Full House s05e01 Episode Script

Michelle, go to sleep.
You have a big day tomorrow.
This is not working.
I know someone who can't sleep thinking about her first day of kindergarten.
So do I.
How about if I sing you a nice, soft, soothing lullaby? Michelle's getting sleepy Oh, no, she's not She's excited about kindergarten Because she gets milk In a little carton When I need to sleep I get milk and cookies She's got the can't sleep School's starting Too excited about kindergarten Need some milk and cookie blues Oh, yeah That chick knocks me out.
Yeah.
JESSE: Hey, everybody, I'm home! Hey, I'm-- Hey, Comet, it's your Uncle J.
Please, don't get up.
Hey, wake up.
Wake up! Hey, everyone, wake up.
I'm home! - Hey, girls.
I missed you.
- Hi.
Hey, Joseph.
Hey, Michelle.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's 3 a.
m.
School starts tomorrow.
You're making lunches.
Welcome back.
That's it? I've been on tour all summer and that's all I get? Next time, come home earlier.
JESSE: Becky! Beck, I'm home.
Wake up.
Beck, wake up.
- Jess, you're home.
Hi, honey.
- Hey.
It's so good holding you in my arm-- Have mercy.
I know, I look like Frosty the Snowman.
It's just that two weeks ago when I saw you, you looked pregnant.
But now you look enormous.
Enormously pregnant.
I know, it was amazing.
I mean, one morning I woke up, looked down and my feet were gone.
Hey, how you doing, little baby? Daddy's home.
It kicked.
What's it doing up so late? You have to read this book.
It tells you everything you need to know - about having a baby.
- All right.
Chapter one.
I think we already covered that chapter.
I'm out of here, Dad.
Oh, wait a minute.
Come here.
It's my big girl's first day of high school.
- Come sit on my lap.
- Dad.
It seems like only yesterday I was holding you in my arms and I saw my reflection in your little bald head.
Dad, I have to go.
How do I look? Cute.
Cute? You're supposed to say I look way too hot and can't leave the house dressed like this.
I'm sorry, honey.
You look very sexy.
Hola, Deej.
Big Dan.
Hi, Kimmy.
Wow, you look nice today.
Thanks.
My dad said the same thing.
You see, Deej, you don't always have to dress hot to attract attention.
People are gonna like you for who you are on the inside, not how you look on the outside.
I know it might seem weird for me to say this but I think right now you can actually learn a lesson from Kimmy.
Ready, Deej? I have to go back upstairs and change.
Dad wants me to be more like you.
No, no, no.
You just go to school.
Please, make new friends.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye.
All right, right this way.
Bring it on down.
Swing that back end around.
Swing it around.
Right there.
I'm an expectant mother, not a jumbo jet.
Please, the baby can pick up your sarcasm.
- What are you talking about? - I've been up reading that book and it says that the baby can sense everything that's going on.
So starting right now, I want happy voices and soothing sounds.
Don't you think you're going overboard with this? Oh, is that what you think? Hey look, pal, I'm gonna be a father, okay? - Do you know what a big job that is? - Oh, gosh, no, Jess, tell me.
That means I'm gonna be responsible for another human life, okay? And I want it to start out right.
So for now on, carry this around.
[PLAYING ELVIS.]
Jess, I am not going to listen to Elvis 24 hours a day.
I figured that, so.
I bet its little lip's curling up right now.
My God, it heard me call it "it.
" We have to find out if it's a boy or girl.
Now, Jess, you promised that we'd be surprised.
Happy sounds, soothing voices.
No.
Now, Jess, you agreed that we'd be surprised.
But I want you to change your mind.
- It's not gonna happen.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
Don't you worry, your parents aren't always this kooky.
- I'm not changing my mind.
- Yes, you are.
Hey, girls.
Ready for your first day of school? Are you kidding? This year, I'm getting a man teacher and he is a major babe.
Oh.
Fourth grade is gonna be so awesome.
Hey, I look good, I feel good, and I'm wearing a smile that says: "Stephanie Tanner, you're a winner.
" How about you? Are you ready, Michelle? Not as ready as she is.
Are the other kids gonna like me? Oh, of course they're gonna like you.
But to be sure, you should do what I did my first day of school.
See, when all the kids asked me my name, I just went: "Hello, my name is Joey Gladstone.
" And all the kids laughed and we became friends.
Okay, you try it.
Hello, my name is Joey Gladstone.
That's good, but next time try using your own name.
Hello, my name is Michelle Tanner.
Hello, my name is Michelle Tanner.
DANNY: Well, girls, here we are.
This is my school? It's so big! JOEY: Well, you're a big girl now, Michelle.
I'm not that big.
Michelle, you're gonna be fine.
But if you need any help your big sister's right in the same school.
- Right, Steph? - Don't worry, Michelle.
Kindergarten is just like preschool, only without the naps.
Too bad.
I'm good at naps.
Come on, everybody.
Are you coming, Michelle? I don't know about this.
- Come on.
Let's go.
- Come on.
WOMAN: Jason.
Here's your classroom, Michelle.
Doesn't this look like the happiest place on Earth? No, that's Disneyland.
- Hello, I'm Miss Wiltrout.
- Hi, I'm Danny Tanner, and this is Joey.
Mr.
Tanner.
How do you do, Joey? - And what's your name? - Michelle Elizabeth Tanner.
This is my first day at school.
That's okay, it's everybody's first day.
Oh, excuse me.
Please don't climb on my desk there.
Michelle, you have a great first day of school.
I know you're gonna love it.
You'll have fun, honey.
I hope you're right.
And, Michelle remember what I told you about making new friends.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye, Michelle.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Who are you? - My name is Michelle Tanner.
You are a strange kid.
They hate me already.
I'm out of here.
Oh, this is our first one.
I'm so happy.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Have you seen my sister Stephanie Tanner? I don't know about this.
All right.
Let me help you down here.
We'll just sit.
Now, remember, we don't wanna know if it's a boy or a girl, okay? - Okay.
All right, yes, I understand.
- This is an interesting sonogram.
- Boy-- - It's a boy! We'll name him Jesse Junior.
How's his hair? Does he need mousse? I'm not saying it's a boy.
Oh, then it's a girl.
Jessica Junior.
- She's not dating until she's 35.
- I didn't say it was a girl.
What's left? All we wanna know is if the baby is healthy.
Relax.
You don't smoke and you don't drink.
You're doing everything just right.
The babies will be just fine.
See that, Jess? The babies will be just fine.
Now, let's go.
Did you say babies? Did she say babies? That's what I said.
You're having twins.
Who's having twins? You are.
Congratulations.
Jess, we're having twins! Oh, honey.
Twins I just wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl.
Twins.
We're having twins.
That's two babies at one time.
The first baby comes out, then the second baby.
Then we take them home and raise them? That's generally how it works.
Here's your sonogram.
Oh, Jess, this is so exciting.
Our first baby pictures.
See, here's one little head and there's the other.
Sometimes one hides behind the other.
Oh, honey, that's so cute.
They're already playing together.
Any more hiding back there? No.
Oh, this is so exciting.
I've gotta get down to work and tell everyone.
Okay.
I'm gonna stay and ask a few questions.
- Okay.
We'll celebrate tonight.
- All right.
Honey, we're having twins! Jesse, are you all right? Oh, no.
Oh, I'm fine.
No, I'm great.
It's an extra baby, so I'm extra happy.
You know, before I was just responsible for one human life.
Heck, now I'm responsible for two human lives.
I'm fine.
Really.
I mean, I'm so-- Can I just lay down real fast for a second? Could you just click the oxygen on as fast as you can? One of the most exciting things about fourth grade is that we'll be using computers.
Has anyone ever used one? I've used my sister D.
J.
's computer.
She used up the last of the cream rinse in the shower this morning.
That's why my hair doesn't have as much body and bounce as it usually does.
I guess I'll sit down now.
I'm really not a geek.
TEACHER: No one said you were.
All right, another thing we'll be doing is breaking the class into discovery groups.
And here's our first discovery.
Psst.
It's me, Michelle.
I know who you are.
Stephanie, would you like to introduce us to your guest? Not really.
I'm her sister Michelle.
Hi, I'm Mr.
Lowry.
You were right.
He is a major babe.
Why aren't you in kindergarten? Nobody likes me there.
I wanna stay with you.
[CHUCKLING.]
What a sense of humor.
Can I take her back to kindergarten? - Of course you can.
- Thanks.
But try not to teach anything until I get back.
I don't wanna go back.
Don't worry, Michelle.
Your big sister's on the job.
Now, there's no reason why any of those kindergarten kids shouldn't like you.
I mean, you're a terrific little person.
Don't tell me.
Tell them.
Look what I found.
There you are, Michelle.
What happened? That boy said I was strange.
She talks with her hands on her head.
I think I can help here.
May I? Oh, be my guest.
Michelle was just trying to show you kids the cool new way to say hello.
The Bullwinkle way.
Okay, antlers up.
Now, repeat after me.
Good morning, Michelle.
Good morning, Michelle.
Good morning to you.
Wasn't that fun? Let's all thank Michelle for showing us how to be a little bit cooler.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUDS.]
See, Michelle? They like you.
Well, my work here is done.
Good job.
- Stephanie.
- Yes, Michelle? Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Good boy, Comet.
You cleaned your plate.
Now, remember what I taught you.
Attaboy, Comet.
Good dog.
Yes.
You know, Joey, you can learn something from that dog.
- Oh, hey, guys.
- Hey, Jess congratulations, man, you're having twins.
Way to go, buddy boy.
When you do something, you really do it, huh? - Where have you been all day? - I was at the doctor's office.
Your appointment was three hours ago.
I forgot I had a car.
Plus, my head is just kind of jammed.
I mean I-- I mean, you know, having a baby is great but having twins.
Twins are gonna be twice as great.
Twice the love, twice the hugs, twice the kisses.
It's not that simple, Jesse boy.
Twins are twice the feeding, twice the crying, twice the diapers and twice the responsibility.
- Who are you? - I'm your evil twin, Manny Tanner.
You need a shower, Manny.
Jess, twins will mean twice as many "I love you, Daddys.
" You live in a bubble, you Lysol-loving hug freak.
I'm cracking up here.
Come on, Jess.
You're gonna make a great father.
What do you know? You're 33 years old and you wear Scooby-Doo pajamas.
Just the bottoms.
And I suppose you're my evil twin.
Yeah, what was your first clue, Sherlock? Well, you look a lot like me.
Hey, Jess, you can kiss your rock 'n' roll days goodbye.
You won't look cool with a twin on each arm and a spit-up rag on each shoulder.
You know, for an evil twin, you're not very nice.
Oh, good comeback.
- Yeah, it's very funny.
- You know, I'm really sick of you.
You really make me nauseous.
Good comeback.
Would the four of you guys just stop! Oh, thank God, it's just the two of you.
Guys.
You know, Jess, you've been up all night.
- I think you just need to get some sleep.
- No, I don't need any sleep.
Maybe a little nap wouldn't hurt.
Hi, Uncle Jesse, wanna play? Not right now, shorty.
I got a lot of stuff going on in my mind.
Thanks.
Not so fast, mister.
Park it right here.
Michelle, I really don't wanna talk right now.
You always talk to me.
I guess you're right.
I've been spilling my guts to you since before you were able to talk back, huh? Spill those guts.
Well, you heard about this twins thing, right? Yes, I did.
I'm very proud of you.
Thank you, but.
I don't know, I guess I'm just apprehensive.
Appre-- What? Apprehensive.
It means-- It means that I'm nervous about twins.
This has got to be our little secret, okay? Because I'm afraid to talk to the family about it.
You know, they think of me as being so together and in control all the time.
I just don't want them to see me like this.
I don't know what to do.
- I do.
- You do? Stephanie! - What are you doing, Michelle? - Stephanie helped me at school.
She's a genius.
- What's wrong, Michelle? - Nothing.
Nothing's wrong.
Uncle Jesse's apprehensive.
That means nervous.
I'm fine, Steph.
I'm fine.
All right.
No offense, but I think you're just a little young for this problem.
Okay, in that case D.
J.
! - What is it? - Uncle Jesse's apprehensive.
No, I'm not apprehensive.
I'm fine.
Okay, girls, now, this is an adult thing.
No problem.
Dad, Joey, Aunt Becky! Uncle Jesse's apprehensive.
- Jesse's apprehensive.
- I'm fine.
Everybody, I'm fine.
Okay, I'm fine.
I'm just having a bad hair day, that's all.
I'm a little apprehensive about my pH balance.
You said you were apprehensive about the twins.
Here's another new word for you: Blabbermouth.
I know that one.
Jess, I thought you were happy about the twins.
I am.
I'm extremely happy.
I'm happy.
I'm thrilled.
I'm lying.
Becky, I'm scared to death.
Uncle Jesse, you're never scared.
Yeah, well, I've never been a father before.
You know, having one kid is scary enough but the thought of having two? You're the greatest uncle in the world.
Yeah, but being an uncle is easy.
I listen to your problem, throw in my two cents and then I dump the final decision on your dad.
But now, I'm gonna be totally responsible.
My babies' lives are gonna be in my hands.
I make one wrong decision and I screw up two lives.
I'm sorry, Becky you must think I'm a jerk.
No, honey.
I'm just as scared as you.
Oh, great.
Who's gonna take care of our kids? You know, what you guys are going through is perfectly normal.
I was a nervous wreck the first time I became a parent.
Once you hold that little baby in your arms I'm telling you, you can't believe the feeling.
Come on, you two are gonna make great parents.
And just remember, we'll be here whenever you need us.
Jess, for the past four years you've been living in this house and you've been Uncle Jesse.
But now, I'm gonna get to be Uncle Danny.
Your kids are gonna be so clean.
I'll babysit my new cousins anytime, except for Friday and Saturday nights.
And I'll take Friday and Saturday, until I start dating.
I'll help too, but no diapers.
They make me apprehensive.
I tell you, guys, I'm still a little scared but knowing that I got you guys to back me up really makes me feel happy.
Well, honey, I am sure we're gonna make our share of mistakes but one thing is for sure.
No two kids are gonna be loved more.
You count on that.
Oh, you guys gotta see our first baby picture.
Aren't they cute? They'll look a lot better once they get eyebrows.