Futurama s05e01 Episode Script

Crimes of the Hot Hurry up with the water.
I'm steaming inside my own shell, I am.
It's that hot, it is.
Man, it's hot.
How hot is it? It's so hot, I poured McDonald's coffee in my lap to cooI off.
Johnny Carson said it.
No, Nibbler! Don't drink the pooI water! It's full of chlorine.
Lightweights.
Oh, wait, chlorine.
Perhaps this movie will help take our minds off the heat.
Focus! GlobaI Warming or: None Like It Hot! You're probably wondering why your ice cream went away.
Well, Suzie, the culprit isn't foreigners.
It's globaI warming.
- GwobaI wap-po? - Yeah.
Meet Mr.
Sunbeam.
He comes all the way from the sun to visit Earth.
Hello, Earth.
Just popping in to brighten your day.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la.
And now I'll be on my way.
Not so fast, sunbeam.
We're greenhouse gases.
You ain't going nowhere.
Oh, God, it hurts! Pretty soon, Earth is chock-full of sunbeams their rotting corpses heating our atmosphere.
How do we get rid of the greenhouse gases? Fortunately, our handsomest politicians came up with a cheap last-minute way to combat globaI warming.
Ever since 2063, we simply drop a giant ice cube into the ocean every now and then.
Just like Daddy puts in his drink every morning.
And then he gets mad.
Of course, since the greenhouse gases are still building up it takes more and more ice each time.
Thus, solving the problem once and for all.
- But- - Once and for all! Well, we just need one of those big ice cubes.
Call the losers who were supposed to deliver it.
- Hello? - President Nixon here.
I'm hiring you losers to deliver the ice.
And hurry up.
I'm sweating like J.
Edgar Hoover trying to squeeze into a new girdle.
You heard the good news, everyone.
Save the Earth, et cetera, et cetera.
Bye.
- Wait.
Where do we get the ice? - The what? Oh, Halley's comet, of course.
The only sufficient source of ice cubes that don't have bugs in them.
Wow.
Mining a comet.
That sounds fun.
Yes.
There's no safer occupation than mining.
Especially when you're perched on a snowball whipping through space at a million miles an hour.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Safe.
Deploying ice drill.
Wow.
That ice dispenser's so big the ice crushes you.
- Yakov Smirnoff said it.
- No, he didn't.
Activating ice drill.
Oh, my God! It's out of ice! Like some outer-space MoteI 6.
Completely out of ice? This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it.
Also life.
With Halley's comet out of ice Earth is experiencing the devastating effects of intense global warming.
Morbo is pleased but sticky.
The scorching heat has melted the polar icecaps causing floods of biblical proportion.
They called me crazy for building this ark.
You are crazy.
You filled it with same-sex animal couples.
Hey! There are parts of the Bible I like and parts I don't like.
Direct your pity now to the African turtles seen here migrating to cooler homes in Holland.
That poor turtle.
- Bender, are you crying? - No.
Never.
Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace amongst the Dutch tulips.
I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool.
Windmills do not work that way! Good night! Well, everybody, I just saved a turtle.
What have you done with your lives? You went all the way to Holland already? Bender, a turtle isn't yourself.
Why do you care about it? Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself.
Like poor little Shelly here.
What could you possibly have in common with this walking soup mix? For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell.
But lead a rich, inner life.
And also well, you know.
You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers? No.
It's just neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back.
What? I've seen you get up off your back tons of times.
- Those times I was slightly on my side.
- Interesting.
Maybe we should test this erectile dysfunction of yours, Bender.
No, that's not necessary, really.
I think I hear my factory recalling me.
That's what I get for sharing my vulnerability with you.
Calling all scientists.
There will be a worldwide conference on global warming in Kyoto, Japan.
I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine.
You've got a degree in baloney.
- Professor Farnsworth, you're a scientist.
- Forget it.
I'm not going.
I have my reasons.
Shut up, all of you! Strange.
You haven't acted this suspicious since I found the "ape bones" in the basement.
My hip hurts.
I'm in the middle of cooking a turkey.
I have warranty cards to fill out.
I am not just making excuses.
All right, I'll go! I can't believe it! I love you! It's Professor Hubert Farnsworth! He's looking sharp in a standard white lab coat and dark slacks.
His wristwatch is a Casio.
Thank you all for coming.
It is my pleasure to introduce the host of the Kyoto Global Warming Convention.
The inventor of the environment and first emperor of the moon, Al Gore.
I have ridden the mighty moon worm.
Good for him.
My fellow Earthicans, as I discuss in my book, Earth in the Balance and the much more popular Harry Potter and the Balance of Earth we need to defend our planet against pollution, as well as dark wizards.
Sure, blame the wizards.
That's why I'm offering a bag of moon sapphires to the first scientist who can solve this problem once and for all.
Ah Ooh - Lovely, aren't they? - Sapphires? With those, I could open the gate of Girash.
First up is Professor Ogden Wornstrum.
Wornstrum! Ladies and gentlemen, I have placed in orbit a giant mirror that will reflect 40 percent of the sun's rays, thus cooling Earth.
Observe.
Problem solved.
That's a little bright.
All right.
What else we got? Professor, you're a professor.
You must have some ideas.
Absolutely not! I won't speak.
I've got nothing to hide.
- Our next speaker is Professor- - I demand the floor! - Yes, it's your turn to speak.
- Well, nuts to me.
I'm taking the stage.
I know the source of the greenhouse gases but in my shame, I've kept it secret for 75 long years.
Oh, it haunts my memory still.
- Professor, no! Don't do it! - Don't do what? Don't use this memory ray so I can remember what happened back then? It was October 17 at 1:54 p.
m.
and 14 birds were flying by the window.
I was working at Mom's Friendly Robot Company.
Back then, robots were slow-moving, stiff and a little on the uptight side.
Oh, dear, might I favor master with a tender kiss on the forehead? Oh, I've failed again.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
The company's owner pressured me to create a sportier robot.
Stop! It wasn't easy.
But by sacrificing fuel efficiency, I succeeded.
- What was that? - A flaming burp.
- Does it always do that? - It's not always a burp.
We still have one problem, though.
This robot would never meet emission standards.
Crap spackle! We'll just call it a sport utility robot and classify it as a light truck.
Well I suppose the environment can take one more for the team.
What a fool I was! If only I had made the effort to develop a cleaner-burning robot but I was tired and in love.
Take me now, you stud.
Oh, this is all my fault! That's awfuI, professor.
Especially the making-out part.
Yeah, I didn't need to hear that.
All modern robots descend from my originaI smog-blasting designs and that's the cause of globaI warming today.
So the robots are to blame, as I suspected.
We are left with only one possible course of action, grim though it be.
I got a good feeling about this.
We must immediately and permanently shut down, dismantle and destroy all robots! - Wait! Surely there's a better- - The conference is over.
I must go now to help collect cans on Jupiter.
Peace out, y'all.
Destroy all robots! Destroy all robots! - Poor Bender.
- Be brave, my friend.
Come on.
You've got to come out of your chest sometime.
Would you do it for a Bender snack? Ah-ha! - Gotcha! Let me go! I don't even want the stupid beer.
Yes! You tried to trick me into coming out of my chest.
But who has the beer now? I've got maiI.
It's a party, apparently.
Do you like to party? To boogie down? Well, I'm throwing an all-night beach rager for my robot pals.
It all goes down this Saturday on the isolated Galápagos Islands where there will be no escape from the fun.
All robots must attend! Strange.
Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man, throw a party? One of the most sociaI events imaginable? It's a trap is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots.
- I don't hear any gasping.
- We all figured that out.
- Oh - Well, I'm off.
We can hide you.
We'll pile fruit on you and claim you're a bowI.
- No.
I'm going to the party.
- I won't let you! Fry, as you know, there are lots of things I'm willing to kill for.
Jewels, vengeance, Father O'Malley's weed whacker.
But at long last, I've found something I'm willing to die for.
This mindless turtle.
Bender, this world isn't good enough for you.
Not even close.
Goodbye, everybody.
Don't touch my stuff after I'm dead.
It's booby-trapped! Oh, yeah, baby! Come on.
Come on, baby.
Poor guy.
Maybe you'd feeI better if I had a drink.
Crummy keg, it's completely tapped- - Oh, you're a robot.
- Don't stop.
- Ew! - Attention, happening robots.
Who's got what it takes to party with Nixon? You fellas enjoy yourselves for the next two hours and be sure not to leave the island for at least two hours.
I'm going out to pick up some smokes.
Really good smokes.
Two hours.
Okay, headless body of Agnew, let's blow this joint.
Do you want to dance? - No, I'm not really in the- You know you want to.
Per your orders, I modified my mirror to fire a colossaI electromagnetic pulse at the Galápagos.
Every robot will be instantly and painfully terminated.
Now, for your part of the bargain.
Very well.
Agnew, you belong to Wornstrum now.
I'll say goodbye now.
There ain't no turtles where Daddy's going.
Don't tell anybody, but Nixon's about to shut all the robots off and- What? We're gonna die! We're going to the great beyond.
Nixon's not bringing the smokes.
Shut up and pay attention to me.
Bender.
Look, I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone here.
Except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot.
But we need to be shut off! Especially you, Hedonism Bot.
- I apologize for nothing.
- We pollute too much! We're destroying the world and killing the turtles! - To hell with the turtles! - No one insults the turtles! Come on, you! Let the games begin.
Everyone listen! Ah! Damn! I've devised a way to save you and stop globaI warming at the same time.
Granted, you're all blasting out greenhouse gases.
You're one to talk.
But we can use those very gases to save the planet.
If you all vent your exhausts directly upward in one burst it should thrust the Earth further from the sun, thus cooling it.
By my calculations, we'll need the full force of every last robot.
So quickly, everyone point your exhaust vents straight upward.
Now vent.
Vent like the wind! Harder! Harder! Why isn't this working? Some lazy or polite robot is holding it in.
Help! Help! A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished.
Oh, the Jedis are going to feeI this one.
I'm sorry, buddy.
At least we'll die on our backs, helpless.
What the hell are you doing? Hey, are you trying to make me look bad? Ah-ha! I'm even greater than I thought I was.
And now to fulfill my destiny! Fire! - What the-? - We missed! Professor, for saving the Earth and foiling me I proudly, yet angrily, present you with Earth's new highest honor: The Polluting MedaI of Pollution.
Thank you.
I deserve this.
Hey, professor? Now that the Earth's orbit is further from the sun, won't that make the year longer? Why, yes.
One week longer to be exact.
In that case, I hereby declare it Robot Party Week! All right, baby!