Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e01 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) ( movie projector whirring ) ( airplane engine running ) ( sirens blaring ) You've come back.
You've come back alive.
Oh, darling, darling.
It was just a routine flight.
But it's over now.
All over.
Your 50 missions are up, my darling.
You're safe.
No, my dear.
I've got to fly tomorrow, and the next day and the next.
until it's really over everywhere.
You do see that.
Don't you? You big lug.
I guess that's why I love you.
( musical fanfare playing ) KLINK: Light, light, lights.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
And now perhaps Hogan and you others are wondering how I'm able to show you this latest product of Hollywood.
Well, partially it's due, of course, to my generosity.
Let's hear it for his generosity! Marvelous! We're very grateful! Thank you.
But an equal share of the credit must go to the all-conquering German Luftwaffe.
You see, an Allied plane carrying this film strayed over our sacred borders and was, of course, shot down immediately.
Everybody's a critic.
( laughs ) I suppose, Hogan, that was meant to be a witticism.
Well, as a serious student of the cinema, let me assure you, that the acting of Byron Buckles transcends all cultural barriers.
Exactly! Herr Kommandant.
Never have I slept less in any picture.
Thank you, Schultz.
Yeah, nice talking to you, Commandant.
We watched your movie.
That's enough for one night.
Not quite! Gentlemen.
It is always been my dream to record with a camera, for the whole world to see, the true story of Stalag 13.
The humane treatment.
The total acceptance by the prisoners of the New Order.
And now, to use a film vernacular, I am just about ready to roll them! Yeah, yeah.
Fine.
Thanks for the news item, Commandant.
Any other flashes for us? Yes, just one more.
Schultz! Bring in the new prisoner.
Immediately, Herr Kommandant.
This new prisoner, Hogan, was shot down, along with the film that you have just seen.
I've had some talks with him today about my own little cinematic project.
And I'm pleased to announce to you, that he has indicated his total cooperation.
Gentlemen, may I present Major Byron Buckles.
Hello, chaps.
Anyone for autographs? Why couldn't they shoot down Lana Turner? Well, we just can't let him do it.
I mean, how's it going to look? America's sweetheart making a propaganda movie for the Nazis? Colonel Hogan will think of something.
I have confidence.
The trouble with Colonel Hogan, is he's too soft-hearted.
If America's sweetheart is a traitor, we've got to do away with America's sweetheart.
Right, Carter? I pretend I'm taking a picture but instead, inside the camera, I've got a .
37- millimeter cannon, sawed off.
You don't think that's a little messy? Oh.
I'm glad you're all here.
We've got a problem.
CARTER: Right, sir! How about putting some cobra venom in his cologne? What are you talking about, Carter? The movie star, Byron Buckles.
We'll take care of him, sir.
Who cares about him? We've got more important stuff.
Kinch and I been down in the radio room.
London's on to us to blow up that bridge There's too much flak for the bombers to get through.
Yeah, and so many troops around here we can't get through.
Anybody got any ideas? Hey, how about an exploding fountain pen, sir? What is it with you, Carter? ( knocking ) Oh, boy.
Colonel Hogan! A matter of great importance.
Later, Schultz.
Hmm.
Now.
Will the prisoner please come in? Danke.
Carry on, men.
I don't intend to stand on rank.
For your information, Buckles, a colonel outranks a major.
Colonel Hogan.
Kommandant Klink has placed Major Buckles under my personal and special protection.
I'm directly responsible that nothing, absolutely nothing, happens to Major Buckles.
Nothing is going to happen to Major Buckles? Of course not, Schultz.
Just like nothing happened to Benedict Arnold.
Because we didn't catch him.
Carter, I'm warning you! Furthermore, I'm imploring you.
I don't quite understand, chaps.
I mean, my record is perfect.
Appeared three times in two years at the Hollywood Canteen.
My men are upset with you, Buckles, for doing a propaganda film for the Germans.
They are? It sounded like such a good part.
Get him out of here, Schultz.
My orders are to remain with this man at all times.
At all times! I'm very happy for both of you, but be together somewhere else.
We got work to do.
Work to do? What kind of work? Please, don't tell me.
Wait a minute, Hogan.
I'm beginning to get your drift.
You mean that public relations-wise, it might be bad for my image to make this film, huh? It's Colonel Hogan.
And I couldn't care less.
I like that.
I like that.
I like a man who looks after my interests.
Very good, Hogan.
I won't do it.
Wait a minute.
Do it.
I'll be the director.
What?! Hold on, Colonel.
Why? Colonel, you're going to direct a German propaganda movie? That's right.
Excuse me, please, Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Hogan, I know from experience, when you decide to do something which looks good for the Germans, it's bad for the Germans.
Am I right? Keep going, Schultz.
Now, what's bad for the Germans, you're about to explain to my personal charge, the movie star, Major.
It's possible.
But I have strict orders not to let him out of my sight! What do you think you should do, Schultz? I know nothing! I see nothing! Nothing! I think I shall place my camera right here so as to feature the chief speaker.
You, Kommandant? Who else? To write, produce, direct and act.
It is remarkable, isn't it? And then, a camera move, picking up Byron Buckles, side by side, with me leading the happy prisoners in the Horst Wessel Song.
Oh, Hilda.
Get every word of this, while I'm in white heat.
There will be a small part, Kommandant, for a woman? Of course, my dear.
But you see, in the picture business, we must have interviews, tryouts, readings, tests, late conferences to establish the necessary rapport, you understand, my dear? Oh, perfectly, Herr Director.
Excellent.
Excellent.
( knocking ) Go away! I could make you a star.
Pardon me, Herr Kommandant.
Schultz! Get out! I'm not to be disturbed.
I know, Herr Kommandant, and I sympathize with you, Herr Kommandant, but Major Buckles Schultz, you were not to leave him out of your sight! That was a direct order! Exactly, Herr Kommandant.
Which is, when he insisted on seeing you, I brought him with me.
Schultz! Ahh, Commandant, I'm glad we're not interrupting.
Business, business, business, That's our commandant.
Hogan! Out! What can I do for you, Major Buckles? Oh, I believe you know my secretary, Fraulein Hilda.
Enchanté.
Hogan, I want her in the picture.
Hogan, you want her in the picture? Why Hogan? Well, my dear Klink, I found our director.
But of course you know all about his background, about which you've told me.
What? What did I tell you? Your knowledge of cinematic history.
Of course.
Hogan.
You'll read for me, of course, Hilda? Oh, any time, Colonel Hogan.
Are your quarters going to be free tomorrow night, Commandant? No! Major Buckles? Naturally, we won't work from a script.
Hogan likes to create on the set.
Create on the set? Which leaves us with only one major role to fill.
What is that? Someone to play the part of the Commandant.
Someone to play my part? Uh, maybe Berlin can help us out.
Good thought.
But gentlemen, I thought in order to bring the necessary authenticity to the role, that I would consent to play the part.
Definitely not the type.
Definitely.
But gentlemen No, it calls for authority, old man, bearings, stature.
( clears throat ) Schultz! Dismissed! Hmm Shultz Let me hear you read that line.
With pleasure.
Schultz! Dismissed! Oh, that's better.
That's much, much better.
Yeah.
Commandant, will you lend him your monocle, please? No! And I will not be browbeaten by prisoners! I will write this picture.
I will direct it.
I will produce it, and I will play the part of Klink! Otherwise, there is no picture! No picture.
Um, Commandant I, uh, know how you feel, Commandant, but the movie world is a jungle.
We're dealing here with a star.
But it was all my idea, my dream, Hogan.
I know it was.
But he doesn't need you.
You need him.
I will not submit to blackmail.
The picture is off! I admire a man of principle.
It's a good thing you haven't told Berlin about the film.
But I did.
They're sending cameras, film crews.
Stick to your guns, and, I must say, sir, it's been a pleasure to know you.
Hogan, you have to help me.
It's going to be tough, sir.
Have you ever worked with a star before? No, never.
Monsters.
Come on.
Uh, Major.
Major, I'm sorry, but the Commandant is adamant.
Hogan? His name must remain on the screen as producer.
In fine print, of course.
What else? In return, he's agreed to let me write and direct.
Schultz will play the Commandant.
Hogan.
Might I say, Major Buckles, Colonel Hogan, Kommandant Klink, I think it sounds very fair.
Schultz! Get out of here! Would you try that? Schultz! Get out of here! Oh, that's better.
That's much, much better.
Yeah.
Well, that's show business.
All right, all right, quiet, everybody.
Quiet on the set! Quiet! All right, now, here's the action.
The prisoners-- you-- have arranged a surprise birthday party for their beloved commandant, Colonel Klink.
How nice.
You're Schultz.
He's Klink.
Oh, yes,- I'm Schultz.
He's Klink.
But naturally.
Now, Klink is lured here on some pretense by Schultz, who opens the door and says ( clicks heels ) What do I say? Achtung, Achtung.
Achtung-- with a smile.
I'm sorry about that.
I just do not seem to feel the part.
But I will get it.
I will get it.
Ach tung! Thank you, Schultz.
All right, all right.
Places, everybody.
Places, everybody! Quiet! HOGAN: Very bright, very happy.
All right, roll 'em.
Action.
Ach Ach Keep it rolling 'til he gets it.
Ach Ach Tung! Tung.
Achtung-- of course.
* For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow * * For he's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny.
* ( cheering ) ( chuckling ) Happy prisoners, glad to be the wonderful world of the Third Reich.
( chuckling ) Oh For me?! BUCKLES: And there's more to come, Commandant, as the prisoners express through their own simple handicraft their gratitude for your hospitality and political guidance.
Oh, how wonderful! Crafted out of their own mess tins, a scale replica of the battleship Bismarck.
Oh! The unsinkable Bismarck! Cut, cut! Hogan, Hogan, this man is completely impossible.
I cannot work with him.
It is my scene.
It is my birthday.
Why does he have to destroy my battleship? In all my pictures, the finished film-- by contract-- must be at least 60% close-ups of me.
All right, all right.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Achtung! Very good.
Later, later.
KLINK: Achtung, Achtung! General Burkhalter is here.
Klink, what is going on here? General Burkhalter, what a pleasure to see the General.
Always so nice to see you, sir.
What is all this, Klink? And why are you out of uniform? Or has Berlin finally caught up with you? ( both chuckling ) Nothing like that, General Burkhalter.
We're just doing a little play-acting, as you can see.
Needed a better type for the commandant, General.
Welcome to Stalag 13, General.
KLINK: Quiet, Schultz! Just a little documentary that I am producing, General Burkhalter after I persuaded the actor, Byron Buckles, to, uh, give us, full cooperation.
Uh, he is the one sitting right over there.
Very amenable.
I am here only because of a wire from Colonel Hogan.
Hogan? How can a prisoner send a wire, Hogan? A very good question, Sergeant Klink.
Actually, General, I have this parade sequence in mind: hundreds of marching happy prisoners.
We certainly need a more imposing figure to take their salute.
Excellent idea, Hogan.
And the General wouldn't be tied up at all.
We could do it in a day.
This afternoon, sir.
HOGAN: Well, actually, I had more of a commitment in mind.
Lovely costume on Hilda, isn't it, sir? Um, you see, we need a more sure hand on the production reins.
Perhaps if you could give us a week.
Production reins? Hogan, the General is much too busy for that.
You are much too busy, aren't you, sir? This is much too important a project, Klink, to leave it to a Sergeant.
Right? Very good, General Burkhalter.
( chuckles ) Work that into the script, Hogan.
In my career, Hogan, I have worked with dogs.
I have even worked with small children, but never with a scene-stealer like Schultz.
HOGAN: Let's not lose sight of our purpose.
We're using that film for a reason-- a very important reason-- to Allied High Command in London.
Now, whose side are you on? Mine.
That's why I'm a star.
Why don't you step outside, Colonel? We can persuade him easy.
No trouble at all, Colonel.
Forget it.
Buckles, it may have escaped your attention, but there's a war on.
A joint enterprise.
No free passes to Hollywood stars.
Furthermore Strike all that.
Buckles, look on it as your greatest role.
My greatest role? Academy Award time.
I'll do it.
How would it be if, uh No.
It won't do.
What we need is a big finish.
Really big.
But the parade.
Static.
Static? Static.
Something showing the love and devotion of the prisoners.
Not only toward the Commandant, but toward the Third Reich.
Something big, dramatic.
Action, action.
Film is action.
Film is action-- how true.
I've got it.
The prisoners form a military unit, and go behind Allied lines to blow up a bridge.
Take that down, Hilda.
To go behind their own lines to blow up their own bridge? What a grasp of a concept, sir.
KLINK: But how can we be sure they will come back to Stalag 13? Mind like a steel trap.
That's the beauty of film, sir.
We use a-a bridge close to camp.
Say the one 20 miles south of here.
You cannot blow up that bridge, Hogan.
That bridge is very important.
It is the most closely-guarded bridge in Germany.
What a producer.
We only use the bridge for filming, sir.
We even use fake explosives.
The actual explosion is done with a miniature.
Six feet long.
But to film in the restricted area? Yeah, lucky our producer's a general.
Oh, yes.
Well, but, uh Yeah.
Cinematic history in the making.
What'll we call our outfit? The Klink Brigade.
That doesn't quite make it, does it? Mm-hmm.
Um, let's see.
The Burkhalter Brigade.
That's it.
The Burkhalter Brigade.
I like it.
All right, the film is rolling.
Move in on the bridge.
HOGAN: Wire the TNT.
This good enough? A little further, Major.
Good.
I always work with doubles, you know? Always.
Why couldn't Hogan give me a double? Authenticity for your performance.
I think he's insane.
Will you hold this, please? It won't go off, will it? Probably not.
I think I'm insane.
Do you actually know Esther Williams? What's the matter with him anyway? I never worked with a director who made things so complicated.
You know, audiences won't follow a complicated story.
It's the old Hogan touch.
See, if he didn't keep Klink and Burkhalter kind of stirred up and confused, they might figure out what's really going on.
Ready, Kinch? Ready.
LeBeau, Newkirk? I'm all set.
Just yours now.
Fire! ( gunfire ) What was that? It was a rifle shot.
Colonel Hogan thought it might make things seem more realistic.
Why didn't he tell me? He's got a lot on his mind.
A lot on his mind? Is he aware that in this business the making of a star takes a minimum of eight years and millions and millions ( gunfire ) If I'm going to die at least let it be in a close-up.
Now they got you surrounded, Buckles.
( gunfire ) HOGAN: You're determined to blow the bridge.
You're getting ready to push the detonator down.
( gunshot ) HOGAN: Hold it, hold it! Cut, cut.
It's wrong, wrong.
Hogan, what is the matter? Uh, it just doesn't sing.
Sing? Sing.
Oh.
Oh.
There's an element missing.
It just doesn't build.
Of course.
Of course what? The gallant allies, the staunch companions.
They should be in the scene.
Who are they? It's symbolism.
Hands across the sea.
The defenders of the Third Reich.
Together again for the roaring climax.
Burkhalter! HOGAN: Klink and Schultz! It sings! Okay.
Everybody set? HOGAN: All right now, with your buddy standing guard around you Fire.
( explosion ) Great shot, just great.
Just what we needed to sell the picture.
Hogan! Never mind the picture.
What about the bridge? That was unfortunate, sir.
But you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
You tricked us, Hogan.
You were using real explosives.
I believe it was furnished by you, Commandant.
Schultz, that was your responsibility.
As a Commandant, I cannot follow up every detail personally, Herr Kommandant.
I will have all your heads! All of them! Uh, begging your pardon, General, but I think we're all in this together.
Especially since we have such marvelous footage of you setting off the explosion.
Destroy the picture! Anything you say, sir, anything.
Uh, uh.
That still leaves the bridge, or what's left of it.
I will tell Berlin the complete, entire truth.
And then kill myself.
Don't you have anything in your mind, Hogan? A high-flying bomber, secret weapon.
Can't be seen nor heard.
But how could they fly that high? It's a secret.
I like it.
Schultz, keep out of this.
What do you think, General Burkhalter? I hate it.
And then I will take killing myself.
Excellent.
Any loose ends? Hogan, Hogan, are you aware that during the last shot this man had his hand over my face? We'll simply have to shoot it all over again.
Major, forget it.
Sorry you won't be with us any longer, Major.
Well, I'm terribly sorry myself, old man.
Exchanging me for three German generals, you know.
Good break for you.
Oh, not really.
I insisted on it in my contract before I enlisted.
Mr.
Buckle, would you tell Betty Grable Carter says hello? Right.
Well, bye-bye, chaps.
Buy bonds.
Clever turn of phrase, Major.
Just came to me.
Like to work with you again sometime, Hogan.
If you're ever in Hollywood after this whole We can have lunch.
Bless you.
Major Buckles, your car is waiting.
Well, carry on, chaps.
Oh, Major Buckles, may I say that appearing with you on the silver screen has been the high point Bless you.
Uh, one for our collection, Major, before you leave? Uh, but of course, old chap.
Has been the high point of my career at Stalag 13, which has not been without KINCH: Okay? Hold it.
unbelievable episodes.