House of Lies s05e01 Episode Script

1 Previously, on House of Lies There's an 87% likelihood - that we're gonna sleep together, so - Ha! To the blower-uppers.
Right now we're at five to one.
- You guys did it.
- I love you.
We're the team from Galweather.
Other people do what you do without leaving a swath of destruction.
Skip Galweather really wants me out of the business? - Let's push his ass out.
- What the hell are you doing? Just leaving you a little present.
You ripped away my name from me! I'm gonna start my own shop.
What if I could deliver some - incriminating financial record? - Absolutely.
Who the fuck let the Feds in on this thing - in the first place? - I told her about the books.
- I had a good thing going.
- We need to just get through this transition, and then you should leave.
Marty, I'm pregnant.
You're having another kid.
You don't even acknowledge it.
I really want to stay.
That's not I mean, no.
Who's gonna do all your work? And ethically questionable flirting with clients? I'm gonna miss you, too, Clyde.
Word on the street was that you were looking for a new position.
The CFO position? I'm going to offer it to you.
I took the job at Davis/Dexter.
- All I want - Is what? You.
Well, I'm a king bee Buzzing around your hive Mine! Mine.
Well, I can - Make honey, baby - Mine.
Let me - Come inside - Mine Oh Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
- I'm young and able - Mmm mwa! Mine, mine To buzz all night long - I'm young and able - Mine To buzz all night long Well, when you hear me buzzin', baby Some stingin' is going on Mine! Mine.
Mine, motherfuckers.
All mine.
Oh, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, I have a grievance.
Oh great.
- I really do.
- I can't wait to hear it.
Because you are gonna love this, okay? I put in all the paperwork to Building Services.
Go, keep talking.
And Clyde just took Jeannie's office! - And it's mine! - Oh! It's mine! Mine.
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
All this shit is mine.
Yeah.
For better or worse.
- Wait.
Marty, wait, hold on.
- What? - Don't listen to him.
- What? - Just pretend he's a bug.
- What? He just stole it.
He took it in an obvious coup d'état.
- He's actually harassing me.
- An attack on me.
A coup d'état in an office? You didn't see what I saw.
That's ridiculous! We all know that Jeannie's office is where your right-hand man Marty! Marty! Marty, that guy called again.
Who won't leave his name He said that you're - a fucking idiot if you don't call - Oh, I'm a fucking idiot? - That's what he said.
I wrote it down.
- Okay, well, tell him he's a fucking idiot, and if he calls again, hang up on his ass.
- Now, I'm gonna go in - But he's been calling every ten minutes.
I'm gonna go in my Stop.
No.
He's actually calling every five minutes now.
No! Shit.
I mean, how do I define myself? I mean, what is me versus what is mine? Do I define myself by how I feel? By my actions? By the number of people who love me? No, probably not that.
Or maybe I define myself by what I have.
Yeah.
'Cause if y'all ain't been payin' attention, I got a fuck-ton of shit! Yeah, let's go with that one.
I mean, that's healthy, right? And Doug, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'll hang up on him, but he's gonna call back.
That was odd.
Um, wait, this isn't over.
- I-I just have a couple more points.
- It is over.
- "Couple more points"? - I think Oh and look where I naturally fall - Marty's right-hand man.
- Now switch seats.
Oh, fantastic.
That makes sense.
Get out of my seat, please.
Oh, fine.
Now, uh, Marty, do you mind if my mentee JR sits in - on this meeting? - I'm not your mentee.
See that? We already have that typical mentor/mentee banter going on.
You know, like, "Don't embarrass me in front of Marty or I'll get you fired.
" That kind of banter.
- Because it's funny.
It's funny stuff.
- Yeah.
Well, you are well aware of the fact that I assigned JR to this consult, right? Of course.
I just think that without my mentorship, he may not necessarily be in the sanctum sanctorum.
Mm.
You're talking about the conference room, right? - I think he means the conference room.
- Why don't you back off, thief.
- I'm not a thief.
- Yes, you are.
And I don't see you helping struggling young associates - learn the ropes around here.
- I'm not struggling.
You mean I don't force myself on some young new hire who can't tell you to fuck off? He tells me to fuck off all the time! Doug, shut the fuck up.
Thank you, Marty.
Jesus Christ! Uh, you can shut the fuck up, too.
- Ooh - You know what? - Share the goddamn office.
- Yes! Thank you.
- No, no, no, no, that's not happening.
- Oh, you're gonna share the goddamn office.
- No, that can't happen! - JR, you get their old office all to yourself.
- No Doug? - No Doug.
- Davis/Dexter.
Let's go.
- Well, from what I understand, your former business partner and current co-parent and newly appointed Davis/Dexter CFO Jeannie van der Hooven - has actually - Wait a second, van der Hooven? - Sounds Dutch, right? - It is Dutch.
- Oh, is it? - And totally irrelevant.
What we want to know is Who is this Jeannie van der Hooven, all right? - What does this CFO want? - Sure.
Okay, thinking out loud.
Let's know some facts.
Well she had a kid out of wedlock, right? Write that down.
How about this? That's true.
How about this? She got her business partner sent to federal prison.
- Hilarious.
- Well, okay, so she's mean and slutty let's write that down, JR.
Write that down.
I actually heard she had a sex tape.
- She does! Bing-bing-bing - Ooh, do you want to see it? I'll show it to you right now.
These aren't quite the facts I was talking about, you fucking idiots.
- JR, please.
- Okay.
Well, she hasn't really given us an agenda, which leads me to believe that she's fishing for us to either arrive at her pre-bake, or she wants us to give her some kind of point of view that she hasn't yet conceived of.
So I go to Davis/Dexter.
What are some assumptions we can make about what they want? Pulling from some B-school friends who work there, I wouldn't say that the CEO Teddy Grammatico was really looking for much in the way of change.
They've been pretty stick-in-the-mud since Grammatico took over.
Yeah, well, why would they change? The P-and-L's - are outstanding.
- Look.
Davis/Dexter is rolling in profits, and they have a solid reputational standing of coming out of the financial crisis without any major scars.
- So why change, right? - Nice.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Just makes me nervous, right? You know why.
I mean, what's her play? What does she want from us? Corporate Jeannie is fucking terrifying.
- Yeah.
- And on top of that, she knows all our "wittle" tricks.
So Well - I'm scared.
- Yeah.
Marty, I think you're gonna have to hold me.
- Jesus, get away from me.
- Yeah.
I'll just go to my new office, - 'cause if I'm in their first, it's mine.
- No, that's not true! - That's not true! Shotgun! Shotgun! - Yerp! Yerp! White people, right? Uh, yeah.
Hey, man.
Drop a beat.
Bust a groove, man.
- Huh? - Yeah, let's make it hot.
Go.
Black bait.
Don't ever take the fucking black bait.
Jesus! Fucking fell for the black bait? It's Kaan and the Associates! - Aw.
- Ah, I loved your early stuff, but I feel like you went downhill after you lost that cute lead singer.
Jeannie, seems like a bit much for a day at the office, huh? Speaking of offices, after I did all my due diligence I filled out all the paperwork Clyde just walks in and starts squatting in your old office.
- Wow, I am 100% not interested.
- 'Cause it's so uninteresting.
I'm not done.
But then I put my foot down, and now we're sharing.
- Really? - No! Yeah! Still not interested.
Hey, Jeannie, where's the, uh, boyfriend? Named Mark.
Eh.
- Ooh - Mark! He works in the other complex, in R&D.
I'm sorry, I can't take you seriously.
There's a man playing with your hair.
What is this? I have to give a presentation to 500 of the pharmaceutical reps.
I know it's absurd, but they really eat it up.
Are you serious? - I've seen these before! - Yeah.
No, no, these things are amazing.
- I love these.
I love these.
- Yeah.
So what's gonna happen is, - we're gonna be there, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Up front.
- Just cascading singles - at your vagi - Yeah, they touch, - and then security kicks you out.
- No.
You can stay the hell in here and do your job.
Aw, it's a show.
No.
We got to see it.
I'm serious you're not allowed in the auditorium.
Okay.
So we've got some initial thoughts about your financials Uh, it's just anecdotal stuff, really, you know, uh, soft-backed number Marty, please just give it to me straight.
Okay.
Uh, Grammatico's gonna want - a stay-the-course scenario.
- Well, I want to go balls-deep in R&D.
What? Why? Because that's what we should be doing, - even though Teddy doesn't know it yet.
- Why the fuck wouldn't you just tell us that from the start if all you wanted us to do is rubber-stamp your agenda? Oh 'cause I wanted to see if you could come to it on your own.
And because I can.
I told you she'd be as much of an asshole as any other client.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Oh.
So, um, I ran a spreadsheet on all the patents running out over the next five years, and the profit-loss continuum is pretty fucked.
If we continue to count on our greatest hits Blood pressure meds and boner pills We're gonna drive right off a cliff.
Yeah, here's the thing, though, Jeannie.
You are saying, "Yes, yes, yes," but your CEO is saying, "No, no, no.
" Well, that's 'cause he's afraid of the board.
And I'm oh, shit! See, I'm leaking.
Great.
Come on.
Oh, God, I'm having a swirl of emotions.
Listen, I really need you guys to back me up on this, Marty.
Teddy thinks you're a genius.
So back me into a reverse-engineered model - that supports my move, okay? - Hey, Jeannie.
- Whoa, whoa.
- It's not up for discussion, Marty.
- I really need him on my team.
- Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie.
I feel like you're not hearing me.
- Jeannie! - Could you just convince him That is not our baby.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, hand her off.
Sorry.
- That's okay.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
Yeah.
That looked a lot like our baby.
Yeah, it did.
Oh, I left her at home today.
- She's with the nanny.
- Oh.
Well, now I got to go pump.
She didn't bring her today? Yeah.
- See, this is what I'm talking about.
- Doug - That's why they can't be present.
- Don't start.
Do not It's starting to make more sense.
Am I wrong? Ladies and gentlemen of the Davis/Dexter Southwest Division Sales Force please put your hands together for the chief officers of your very own Davis/Dexter! My name is Norman Peters, I'm the CMO And all the sucka emcees know how I flow Oh, it's almost too good.
It's like it's like a beautiful dream.
But we're awake.
It's like a waking dream.
- Erectile dysfunction is not a joke - Is not a joke One in four men suffer, the studies show But Davis/Dexter has the cure to make the ladies say Oh So what you waitin' for? It's called Climaxicor We're going door-to-door to sell Climaxicor S-Dub sales reps All across the land Pay attention to the lady with the mike in her hand I'm MC Jeannie van der Hooven My threads are dope and my rhymes are groovin' A brand-new product line is what we're movin' 'Cause the latest biotech is already proven - Yo, here at Davis/Dexter I'm the CFO - I'm the CFO I'm the one who counts the money, makes the profits grow But let me turn it over to the man you all should know He's at the top of his game and about to blow MC Grammatico, Teddy is his name And for all the scratch you're makin' He's the one to blame With a beat so fresh it's hard not to rhyme Our meds outpace competitors most of the time - I'm the CEO - CEO Believe I don't mind To save happy marriages one pill at a time So what you waitin' for? It's called Climaxicor We're going door-to-door To sell Climaxicor I have seen the soul of white people.
- Oh! - And they should put it back.
Welcome, Southwest Division Sales Force! Are you ready to make an ungodly amount of money? God bless Davis/Dexter.
Saving the world, one penis at a time.
As you can see, all our resources go into repackaging patents we already have, squeezing a few more bucks out of them.
So this Climaxicor is not a new drug? No, it's a time-released version of Urjacor, our flagship ED drug.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Okay.
Oh, my God, Douglas.
Jesus, Doug.
Just ask me for a sample.
Okay, I will.
May I have a sample? Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Careful with it.
You're not going to need that much.
- Hey.
There you are.
Hi.
- Hi.
I was just giving Doug some pills for his erectile dysfunction.
- I'm just curious, that's all.
- Oh.
Hey, be careful with that.
It's very powerful.
Okay, thank you, Mr.
Fielder.
I know a little something about boners.
Hey, wasn't she great today? Forget about it, she was amazing.
- And you looked hot up there.
- Was I as hot as Norm? No, no, nobody could be as hot as Norm.
- Was Norm this one? - The one that Oh, yeah, then he he Oh, Norman.
All right.
- Well, I should, uh, get back.
- No.
Spend a few more hours in an empty lab waiting to get fired.
Um, nice to see you.
And I will see you tonight.
- Okay.
- Okay? One more, one more, one more.
- Wow.
- Oh.
Double-up.
- Wow.
- Jeannie.
How'd you finally end up with such a great guy? - How'd? I didn't hear - After I'm not done with my sentence.
After being with the greatest guy of all, Marty Kaan? You finished? You got a black baby together.
And Doug gets the office.
- Really? - No.
- Yes.
- Oh.
That is so unfair.
I'm thinking of having a black baby Yeah, that meant a lot.
Oh, my God.
I I already have 207 likes.
Wow.
Now you're really somebody.
Yeah.
Okay, I want you to try this.
Mm-hmm.
That was good.
You're so lying right now.
I mean, it looks good, but is it totally vegan? Yeah, dude, it's beyond vegan.
It's raw vegan.
Raw vegan.
What? I mean, it's awesome.
You know, you're not actually living a healthy vegan lifestyle if you drink.
That's interesting.
Yeah, no, that's worth a discussion.
Is it? Well, I think everything in moderation.
No, don't, don't, don't bother.
He's got the conviction of the newly brainwashed.
No, actually, straight-edge is not brainwashing, okay? It's it's a philosophy and a lifestyle.
"Don't smoke, don't drink, don't fuck.
I mean, at least I can fucking think.
" - Wow.
Right? - Ho-kay.
I mean, 'cause why quote Schopenhauer when you can quote Minor Threat.
Exactly.
Hello.
Incoming.
Baby sis.
How is she? - She's good.
Phew.
- Good.
Time to get out of this stroller.
- You can take her out.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- There you go.
Hi.
Yes.
How are you doing? Are you smiling or are you farting? You look hot.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
You look amazing.
Thank you.
How's the job? Um you know.
No idea.
It's fun.
Hard.
Confusing.
Oh.
I don't know.
Um, I should get going.
Come on, Jeannie.
Female friendship is the new black.
I will definitely think on that.
But I do have reservations.
For dinner.
I have reservations for dinner.
Right now.
All right, I love you.
- Bye-bye.
- Oh.
By the time I come back, I expect her to be as cool as you, okay? Good-bye.
Okay.
I can do that.
- Bye, baby girl.
- Oh, kiss.
Okay.
- Jeannie, Jeannie.
- Yes.
Marty, Marty.
- Hey.
- What? I don't treat your boyfriend like an asshole.
Well, my boyfriend's not an asshole, - so that's the difference.
- Okay, really? So she makes a gesture of friendship and that's just traumatizing to you? Oh, my God, Klare wants to be my friend.
- Really, what the - Sorry.
She's lovely.
Christ, she's a vegan chef spokesmodel? First of all, it's raw vegan.
And she's an Instagram lifestyle personality.
Blech.
I hope she gives good head.
I'll take that as a yes.
Or a no.
God, you're good.
I know.
You guys, she-she she crapped.
- Whoops.
- Crap? - Bye! - No, no, no.
Mmm.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
You make me dinner, you are having me do things that some of them I've only read about.
I could really get used to this.
I think I might.
You Me, too.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, I feel the same way.
Whatever that is.
Right, no, whatever I mean, me, too.
- Right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you want some more wine or anything? I want some you.
Yeah, the wine can wait, right? I mean, that stuff gets better with age.
Marty Mark y, Marky, Marky.
Did you just call me Marty? No.
Did I slur? I think I'm just tired and a little drunky.
Mm.
So you did or you didn't? I mean, 'cause I totally get if you did.
Get it.
- Who You know, I Did you - Right.
And it's okay.
It's okay with me.
Fuck, it's not okay.
I did.
I'm sorry.
You know, it's totally weird, and it sometimes freaks me out.
God, I'm really sorry.
It's okay, I accept it.
I really do.
I mean, people do weird shit, right? And sometimes it's shit that's hard to explain.
I mean, for people who don't understand it, you know, it could be unforgivable.
So you call me Marty, it's, uh s-super weird.
But it's also a turn-on.
You know? So does that make me weird? Am I the weird guy here? Maybe.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I Oh, I'm sorry.
I just I just like your voice.
Mm.
You know? It's part of who you are.
And you turn me on.
Hey, you know, I called my, uh, third-grade teacher "Mom" once.
Uh, n and not in a purely sexual way.
I'm kidding, but she was hot.
Uh, my teacher, not my mom.
But my mom was not an unattractive lady.
You know, when, uh the sun is hitting her just Babe? Oh, goody, Klare's in the kitchen.
What are you making? Don't worry, I'm not gonna poison you with any cashew cheese.
- Yes.
- Just coffee.
Just coffee, huh? Mm-hmm.
You know, there are, uh, there's better ways to wake up.
Really? Really, really.
Well, what about Roscoe? Roscoe? - Yeah.
- Which one is he again? No, that kid sleeps like a rock.
I got to drag his ass out of bed.
What about your dad? Now, he might walk in.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
You're on.
Tell me something good.
You're gonna love this.
Clyde, tell her something good.
Sure.
Hey, Jeannie, that jacket looks amazing.
- You look hot today.
- Mm, and those shoes.
- How are we doing? - Not good.
Teddy Grammatico actually has a long and well-documented history of failing upwards while lateral-passing the blame to other shareholders.
Yeah, he's a stay-the-course guy - all the way.
- Okay.
I have been talking to, um, some of the influential board members.
Oh Uh, Whip Huxton.
Oh, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say not a Jew.
Uh, that is a terrible idea, Jeannie.
- Come on.
- Eek.
No board members.
Listen, you make an end run around the CEO and go to the board, it's gonna look like you're gunning for his job.
Hello? No, I am trying to save Teddy from his own lousy business plan.
If he finds out that you're talking to board members, he's going to shit his bespoke pant Oh, it's the Kaan and Associates Dream Team.
Hey, Teddy, how you doing? - How's it going? - Very good.
Figuring out a way for Jeannie to make us even more money? That is exactly what we were doing when you walked in.
And if I may say, sir, we are crushing it.
Absolutely crushing it, so I don't know who you are.
Forgive me, sir.
Doug Guggenheim.
Yeah.
You know what, let me just jump in and, uh, spin Davis/Dexter's journey line the way I see it, and I think that's gonna shed some light on Marty, I want you to know it's very important that whatever you bring in regarding financials has to be bold-letters dazzling.
This is the first outside modeling the board will have seen since I took over nine months ago.
Is that pretty clear? Jeannie? - Marty? - Ye Bold-letters dazzling.
That's what we do, Teddy.
- Helvetica bold.
- Doug Or Futura.
Definitely something sans serif.
- I got him.
I apologize.
- I have a meeting.
Um, Marty, I'm thrilled you're aboard.
Jeannie raves about you.
- Oh, thank you, Teddy.
- Thank you.
We're gonna crush it, man.
Hello.
Wh-Where are you? Are you armed? Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Shit.
Look, I'll be back as fast as I can, okay? You guys, make this shit better.
Marty.
- Make it better? - I'm unsure of what "better" means in this context, Marty.
- Really? - We'll make it better.
See that? That's why Clyde gets the office.
What, for that?! I can make it better.
Right hand.
Skip "Fucking Shit In My Briefcase" Galweather.
Marty "Blew Up My Fucking Life" Kaan.
Hey.
Aw.
You know Doug Guggenheim still uses that briefcase? Well, it's a very nice briefcase.
Yes.
Sans shit, but yes.
So, uh, called me about 14 fucking times yesterday.
Is this about the Sadie Hawkins Dance? I want to buy you, Marty.
Um, okay, let me let you in on a little nugget of reality, Skip.
It's been a while since your people could, you know, buy my people.
Yeah, I You know what I'm saying.
I think you knew - before you even sat down.
- Yeah.
I want to buy K and A.
Well, I appreciate that you have bounced back, Skip, but I just don't think you got the scrilla, papi.
- I'm sorry, the what? - The scrilla the money.
No, I-I don't I don't think you quite understand.
I represent a consortium.
The Kohl brothers.
Think you might have heard of them.
Uh, Hitler One and Hitler Two? Yeah, they're adorable.
- Yeah.
They got the, uh - Scrilla.
- Scrilla.
- That's good, but why would I want to work with them? I mean, when I've spent the last ten years trying to get out from under.
You're a little slow on the uptake today, Marty.
No, not working with them or me or the company.
We are talking about the big payday.
We pay you to walk the fuck away and never look back.
It's the age of consolidation, Martin.
I'm sure you know, the universe it's dying.
Yeah, I do.
I mean, all those brilliant stars out there are fading away into glowing embers.
And what does that mean? In the smaller sense, you know, in the in the sense of our smallness, our littleness, our infinitesimality, what does it mean? It means that we've got to do everything we can to get bigger, to huddle together in the coming darkness, to rage against the dying of the light.
That-that was it? That was the pitch? You want to buy K and A because the universe is dying? Yeah.
That, and your company is very conveniently undervalued.
Just a little.
Yeah.
Now-now you're getting to it.
You want a fucking deal, Skip? Well, no, my group is willing to wildly overpay.
Okay, well I want to thank you.
I do.
Because I've been thinking a lot lately about what is me? You know, what is mine? H-How Who the fuck am I, you know what I mean? How do how do I define myself? It's just coming into focus that I define myself by motherfuckers like you.
By conflict, is what I'm saying, by opposition.
By the way that I just grind on my enemies until eventually they are just dust that I walk on.
So that's me.
You know? And I'm gonna get my company so pumped up, that my valuations are just jacked, and when they're that high, then, maybe, we can talk about me selling my company to a couple of fascist pricks like the Kohl brothers and then walking the fuck away from everything I've built.
Maybe we'll do that then.
So unlike you to be a whimpering little whining bitch about business.
I know.
I That's usually your thing.
I got the drinks, Marty.
Great.
Oh.
Okay.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Skip? Yeah? Go fuck yourself.
Back at you.
It's like peace and comfort My knees get buckled I drop some sweat on my Nike sweats I might waste it all at the mall today Hey, ego, check yourself, don't wreck yourself I'm a go-getter, I reckon so That's the greatest feeling Like a halo on a angel Dodgin' crooks, makin' moves Thank you, ma'am, stack a hand