I Love Lucy (1951) s05e01 Episode Script

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy.
" (audience applauding as orchestra plays theme song) Oh, Lucy, this party's a wonderful idea.
I think so.
I still can't think why we're having this party for Ricky.
Oh, it's just something you do in Hollywood, Fred.
When a person finishes a picture, you give a party for him.
Oh.
Oh, gee, Ethel, those hors d'oeuvres you bought are just scrumptious.
Thanks.
But caviar- you shouldn't have done that.
Oh, why not? Well, enjoy it.
After all, how many Hollywood stars do we know? (hammering) But caviar, five dollars a jar.
Ow! Five bucks for a jar of fish eggs?! FRED: Oh, now, Fred! ETHEL: Don't make anything out of it.
Five bucks is five bucks.
Well, it's for a party.
We'll talk about it later.
Look.
(gasps) What a beautiful cake! Isn't it dreamy? Oh, Lucy! Yeah, it's great.
"To my darlin', another Marlon.
" Marlon? Marlon Brando.
Do you know anybody else named Marlon? Sure.
Monroe.
Marlon Monroe! Oh, Fred.
I'm going to get the baby.
I promised him he could come to the party.
I wouldn't want to disappoint the little doll.
Oh, boy.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, now, Fred, no sneak previews.
Well, you'd think I could have one bite.
After all, my life savings are tied up in those hors d'oeuvres.
(all talking at once) ETHEL: Hi, honey.
Oh, hi, son.
He's so sleepy.
Oh, hello, honey.
Here he comes.
Hide the cake.
Hide the cake.
LUCY, FRED AND ETHEL: Happy party to you Happy party to you Happy end of the picture, dear Ricky Happy party to you I bought the caviar.
Aren't you nice! Thank you.
Thank you.
Say, happy party, papa.
Hiya, there, partner.
He's so sleepy.
Hi, my son.
Show him the cake, honey.
Show him the cake.
Oh, look at that beautiful cake! "To my darlin', another Marlon.
" (chuckling) Well, I guess Brando and I do have a lot in common.
Yeah, I can't understand either of you when you talk.
Well, he's got to go back to bed, honey.
You can have your cake in the morning.
Say good night.
All right, son.
I'll save you a nice, big piece.
Aw, he wants to say beddy-bye.
I'll take him.
You take him, honey.
We'll give you a piece of cake in the morning, sweetie.
Honey, we'll give you a piece of cake in the morning.
It's so late.
I thought I was gonna finish early.
Well, I shouldn't have brought him out, but I I'll be right in, son.
I'm sorry, honey.
Well, how did the picture go, dear? Well, everybody seems to think it's going to be a hit- a big hit.
Wonderful.
Well, here is to Hollywood.
Oh, wait for me.
Wait a minute.
Wait for Ethel.
Wait for Ethel.
Here, hon.
Here were are.
Here is to Hollywood.
ALL: Here's to Hollywood.
It's been fun, but it'll be nice to get back home.
Home? Home? Sure.
I'm finished with the picture.
There's nothing to keep us here now.
Well, I know, bu-but we can't leave Hollywood yet.
Why not? Because there are a million things we haven't seen.
The Coconut Grove.
Olvera Street.
Ava Gardner.
The Hollywood Bowl.
Catalina Island.
Ava Gardner.
We heard you the first time.
Oh, we haven't seen the footprints at Grauman's Chinese Theater.
Well, I'm sorry, honey, but I got to go back to work.
I got to go back to work at the Tropicana.
You know, the studio's not paying for this anymore.
I am.
Oh, all right, warden.
When do we leave? Well, just as soon as you can get ready.
How long will it take you? Six years.
Lucy Well, if you're going to bargain, I want to start high.
Come on, Lucy.
Four years.
Come on! Oh, it isn't fair, Ricky.
We haven't seen anything and we have no souvenirs to take home No souvenirs? Well, hardly any.
What do you call this? You got a whole box full of junk.
Junk?! Do you call an orange autographed by Robert Taylor junk? Look at this old, dried-up thing.
You can't even read his name.
The letters are all shriveled together.
Oh, they are not.
It's very clear.
It says (muffled): "Robert Taylor.
" How about this- this old, tired grapefruit? That says, "Richard Widmark.
" It does? Well, it did when it was young.
Right there, in that deep crevice.
Sure, it says, uh, (muffled): "Richard Richard Widmark.
" Robert Taylor and Richard Widmark.
Look at this- an old tin can.
Just a minute.
That is not an ordinary old tin can.
This just happens to be an old tin can that was squashed by Cary Grant's left rear wheel.
Oh, well, that's different.
Yeah, well.
What's this? "Lana Turner's Lipstick Print.
" Which one of you morons is saving this? I am! Give it here before you smear it.
Menus from the Brown Derby.
Yes.
Match covers from Ciro's.
An ashtray from the Beverly Hilton.
So? Chopsticks from the Beachcomber.
You got enough stuff here.
Don't worry.
We have not, Ricky.
We just haven't been anyplace.
Now, you just got to give us more time.
FRED: Come on, Rick.
We really wanted to see where you were making the picture.
You said that you would go with us after you finished.
All right.
All right.
I'll tell you what.
We'll stay one more week.
Good! Great! That's all.
One more week.
That's enough.
Now, we'll start the first thing in the morning.
What'll we see first? I vote for Catalina.
I vote for Grauman's Chinese.
We got the majority.
I got the car.
Grauman's Chinese.
Grauman's Chinese.
Oh, hurry up, Fred.
You've been focusing that thing for We haven't got all day.
All right.
All right.
I'm ready now.
Come on, look at me, Ethel.
Come on, look at me and smile, Ethel.
Make up your mind.
I can't do both.
Watch for the little birdie, now.
One two ETHEL: Fred! Three! There.
I got a good one.
Don't forget to turn it up to the next picture.
Oh, look, Ethel.
Gloria Swanson's footprints.
Oh, doesn't she have tiny little feet? I'll say, about size one-and-a-half, I would say.
Oh, Harold Lloyd! Harold Lloyd's footprint.
Oh, look.
His glasses.
Isn't that cute? How do you suppose they ever did that? Oh, Lucy, Tyrone Power.
(swooning) What are you doing? Comparing my leg to Betty Grable's.
Oh, it looks identical.
Oh, what, to you and me, maybe, but I doubt if it would fool Harry James.
Oh, look.
Joan Crawford's footprint.
Oh, my feet are smaller than Joan Crawford's.
Let me try.
Mine aren't.
Hey! Look, my feet are smaller than Gary cooper's.
No kidding? Yeah.
Look.
Mine aren't.
Oh, here's one for you to try, Ethel- Trigger! Oh, Ethel, look! Oh! John Wayne! Oh, boy, just his footprints give me goose bumps.
We got to go see his new picture, Blood Alley.
I hear it is just wonderful.
I heard it was so exciting.
Oh, he plays the part of a daring adventurer and his block is loose.
John Wayne's block is loose.
It is? Yeah.
Ethel? What? I've got an idea.
I don't like that look on your face.
I'm going to take home a souvenir to end all souvenirs- John Wayne's block.
Well, you'll need it, 'cause when Ricky finds out what you've done, he'll knock yours off.
Now, let's see how we will go about it.
We?! Oh, ho.
Count me out.
I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole.
Oh, now now, listen here, Ethel.
How would you like to be the only woman in New York City with a friend who has John Wayne's footprints under her bed? Not interested.
Well, then, how would you like to be the only woman in New York City who has John Wayne's footprints under her own bed? Every other week.
Oh Okay.
Now, let's see Oh, Lucy, how are we gonna steal a big cement block like that without being seen? It's a cinch.
We'll come here late at night when nobody else is around.
We'll bring a crowbar and we'll pry it up.
Okay.
Now, we'll Ooh, wait just a second.
What'll you do about the space it'll leave? We'll bring some quick-drying cement, fill it in, it'll be dry by morning.
Lucy, you're a natural-born crook.
Thank you, ma'am.
Now, we'll need cement, a bucket, a trawl, a crowbar and a car to make a quick getaway.
Now, is there anything else we'll need? Yeah.
A good lawyer.
Fred! Yes, "Fred!" I heard the whole thing.
You two dames have had some pretty nutty schemes in your time, but this one is regular Bellevue bait.
Oh, come on, Fred.
Help us, huh? I will not, and you're not gonna do it either.
Oh, come on, please, Fred.
Ethel, Ethel, Ethel, never mind.
It's a real crazy idea.
Fred's right.
Just forget it.
I'll go and get the car.
I'd better put you two squirrels back in your cage.
Lucy, what's happened to you? I never saw you give up so easy.
Who's giving up? I just want to throw him off the scent so he doesn't go blabbing to Ricky.
Oh, sorry, Chief.
Now, here's what we're gonna do and this is the way There's nobody around.
Good.
I thought Ricky would never go to sleep.
Oh, Fred was a little restless, too.
He didn't start to snore till his head hit the pillow.
Oh, Lucy, I'm scared.
What if somebody sees us? (sighing) Listen, Ethel, if you're gonna get chicken on a routine souvenir hunt Routine?! Come on.
Okay.
Oh, say, we'd better hurry.
This cement's getting hard.
Really? Maybe I'd better hide this bucket till we need Okay.
it, huh? All right.
I'll put it over here.
All right.
Oh! This is moving it.
Okay.
I got it! I got it.
What'll I do? Now, wait wait till I lift it up a little bit, and then put your fingers right Now wait.
Oh, be careful! Now get a good, firm grip on it.
It's heavier than I thought.
All right, there.
You got it? I got it.
Ooh! That's! Ooh! All right.
I got it.
Ready? Firm grip.
You ready? Somebody's coming! Don't panic.
Maybe they'll walk right by.
Oh, they're coming closer.
(groaning) Ooh, I'm sorry! Hurry up.
Here, wait a minute.
Can you stand it? (groaning) Can you stand it, honey? MAN: Oh, there they are, honey.
I came down here this afternoon and measured them.
I'm bigger than any of these he-men.
Really? Yeah, look.
Gary cooper.
Oh, darling! You're wonderful! I'm bigger than John Wayne, too! You are? Yeah.
Come on, I'll show you.
Oh (chuckling) Good evening.
It was around here someplace.
Pardon me.
Are you sitting on John Wayne? Who, me? No! Are you sure? Positive.
She's sitting on Bill Holden.
She's President of the Bill Holden Fan Club, and once a year she comes here to sit on his signature.
Very funny.
I could have sworn Come on, honey.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, Lucy! Oh, you poor little thing! You ought to try sitting on a crowbar.
Oh! What do I do? Just lift it up so I can get my hand out.
One hand.
Oh Are you all right? Just what I needed- two Chinese back scratchers.
Oh, honey, maybe we'd better forget the whole thing.
Oh, no, I may go home without any fingers, but I'm not going home empty-handed.
Come on now, give me a hand with this.
All right.
Get it out.
Are you all right with it? Yeah.
Yeah.
Huh? ETHEL: Can you tilt it a little for me? Yeah.
This way? Ow! Oh! Oh! Come on.
Got it, honey? Yeah.
Get up together now.
Okay.
All right.
Here we go.
There we go.
Just as I thought: a couple of cement snatchers.
Fred, how'd you know we were here? I thought you said he was home snoring! He was snoring when I left.
What woke you up? You did.
I did? I wasn't even there! That's what did it.
There was nobody poking me in the ribs until I made a rollover.
Now put that down! Oh, Fred, the hardest part is over.
All we got to do is get it back to New York.
Put that down.
Oh, Fred, go on home! I won't move out of here until I've (man whistling) Two cops coming up the block! Oh, easy now.
Easy! Easy! Oh! Put it Who's, who's going first? I will, I will.
Oh, come on, let's hide.
Where? Where? Behind those bushes.
Get in there.
Hurry up, Lucy.
Get in there! Oh! What's the matter? Oh, my foot's in the bucket! First time since I've been on this beat.
Yeah.
There's always some joker trying to fit his feet into the stars' footprints.
Well, it takes Yeah.
all kinds.
Take a look at the side door will you? Yeah.
(whistling) (imitating Gary Cooper): Yup.
Well, Tyrone! Oh! Steve, don't tell anybody, huh? All right.
Oh, boy, that was close.
Come on.
I'll say it was.
Let's get Come on, Lucy.
out of here! Come on.
Hurry up! Come on, Lucy! I can't hurry.
Come on.
It didn't harden?! Oh, didn't it! Well, we can get it off when we get home.
Come on, we got to get home.
Okay.
I'm not going home without this.
Come on, give me a hand.
Oh, Lucy! Come on! Are you two dames out of your head? Wait a minute.
Wait, wait I got it.
Put the Somebody else is coming now! Give me that! Give me! Oh, Fred! Hold it! Look out! Go on, Ethel.
Hurry up! I can't hurry! Wait for me! Here, Lucy.
Come on.
Come on.
Get around her.
Come on.
Okay.
Now run.
Run, honey! Hurry now! Run! Hurry! Hurry! Come on! Oh There! "There" what? Now what do we do? Well, we may have to blast.
Oh, Fred Oh, Ethel, I've just got to get this thing off before Ricky sees it.
He'll kill me.
Oh, brother! If he ever finds out what we've done Well, at least you can get away from him.
I have to stay here and take it.
I'm like a sitting cement duck.
That's true.
Listen, if Ricky should come barging in here, you both pick me up, aim my foot and we'll try to ram him.
Oh, Lucy! Oh, there must be some way to get her foot out of there.
Now, let's everybody think.
What are we gonna do? I don't know, but I'd hate to be the next shoe clerk that waits on you.
(phone ringing) Hello.
Oh, hi, Ricky.
Ricky!? ETHEL: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we were in bed asleep.
Lucy? Lucy who? Oh, that Lucy.
Yeah, she's here.
What's she doing here? Uh, well, she was restless and she couldn't sleep, so she just wandered over here.
(chuckling ) No, I don't think there's any rea Ricky? Ricky?! He's coming over here! What are we gonna to do? Get in bed! I told him we were asleep! All right.
Oh.
(Fred snoring) Fred! Give me a hand with my foot.
"Give me a hand with my foot"! Get it up here.
Hurry up.
Then I got to cover it up.
Careful now, it hurts.
This is heavy! Come on, hurry up.
Go on, way up.
Way up, hurry up, come on, Fred! Come on! Pull up.
Cover it up.
Cover it up.
Now tuck it in, right around there.
Tuck it in.
That's it.
Now get back in bed.
Hurry up.
(snoring) (snoring) Lucy, what are you doing here? Lucy! Yeah, what? Huh? What? Oh, hello, dear.
What are you doing here? Oh, I was restless and couldn't sleep.
Well, come on home.
No, no.
I can't seem to sleep in my bed.
Th-This couch is so comfortable.
Just makes you want to drop right off.
Good night, dear.
Good night, Ricky.
Good night, Rick.
(snoring) I don't know what's going on here, but you're going home.
Oh, no, I'm not! Yes, you are! No, I'm not! Will you two stop yakking and give a fella a chance to get his beauty sleep? You are going home.
Come on.
Oh, Ricky.
(groaning) Are you gaining weight? You feel like a block of cement.
It's all those malts, dear.
Put me back on the couch.
Oh, Ricky, let her stay here.
Put her down, you cad! All right.
Let's have the story.
Story? What makes you think there's a story? Well, the Mertzes are in their beds with their clothes on and you have your foot in what seems to be a block of cement.
I just thought there might be a little explanation.
You'd think so, wouldn't you? All right, Lucy.
Let's have it.
Well, uh, I was restless and couldn't sleep.
You see, I have this foot condition It's sort of a hardening of the arches.
I I'm not buying that.
Lucy, I want you to tell me the truth.
Yeah, well, I can't think with all this cement wrapped around my foot.
Oh, is that where your brains are? Let's see if I Oh, here.
I'll loosen it up for you.
Sure.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Oh, well.
Thank you! Uh, well, come on, let's go home, dear.
RICKY: Lucy! Yes, sir? What happened? Uh Well, I'll tell you what happened.
Well, before you do, I'd better take this.
Well, I, uh We went to Grauman's Chinese Theatre on a routine souvenir hunt, and, uh, while we were there, we, uh, we saw this hunk of cement with John Wayne's footprints on it an-and we decided to-to swipe this hunk of cement and while we were doing it, the cops came along and we got scared and we tried to hide in some bushes and that's just where Ethel had put a a big bucket of cement an-and, uh, and my foot got caught in it.
Well, you've told me a lot of crazy stories in your time, but this is the craziest.
Now, come on, Fred, Ethel.
What's the truth?! She's telling the truth! That's the truth! We got the block of cement right under the bed.
Yeah, we'll show it to you.
It sounded kind of silly when she was telling it, I'll admit.
It's heavy, honey.
John Wayne It's heavy.
ETHEL: Ooh, look out, Fred.
See, Rick? John Wayne.
See? See? See, his footprints.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! Mira! Que tienen una cosa de ir al frente del Grauman's Chinese Theatre y robarse el footprints de John Wayne.
What's he saying? Well, I don't know, but I have an idea it isn't "Hot diggety! Just what I've always wanted.
" Lucy, you're taking that back right now.
After all I went through to get it? No, I don't want to, Ricky! Lucy, you take that back where it belongs.
Come on! Well, okay.
Come on, Ethel.
Give me a hand.
Yeah.
Careful.
It's heavy.
Be careful, Ethel.
Don't drop it.
Look out.
Yeah.
You got it? Yep.
Got it? Yeah.
Okay.
We'll take it back where it belongs, dear.
That's better.
Right under my bed! Come on, Ethel.
Lucy, you come back here! Lucy! (crash) You scared me.
You take that back.
But, Ricky Now, either you take that back or we're all going back to New York tomorrow morning.
(gasps) Take it back, will you! But, I but it's all broken.
Oh, Just the corners are broken off.
John Wayne- you can I don't want to go back to New York! Oh, shut up! Fred, get that cement we've got left.
We can, we can cement in the corners when we put it back in.
Come on, Lucy.
Oh, Ethel Come on now, Lucy! Oh, Fred Come on! Come on! Ricky? Did you put it back? What do you mean, "no"? Why not? Well, Ricky, we dropped it and it broke in ten million little pieces.
What! Where's Lucy? Well, we heard the cops coming again and we started to run and that's how we broke it.
Where is Lucy? Oh, I kind of wanted to get you prepared.
You know, the last time she got her foot caught in a bucket She didn't do it again, did she? Well she just tripped and Lucy? ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: The couple was played by Ms.
GeGe Pearson and Hal Gerard, and the policeman were Clarence Straight and Ben Neims.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.