iCarly s05e01 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Hey.
- Have you heard from Sam? - Nuh-uh.
She skipped school again? Yes.
Three days in a row.
No one's heard from her, she won't answer her phone or What's happening here? Me getting fat! Look, I can barely get my jeans past my butt slabs.
Those are my jeans.
Well Yeah, I know.
I'm really worried about Sam.
So call her mom.
I can't she's in Tijuana having laser hair removal.
- From what part of her body? - I didn't wanna know! How are we gonna find Sam? Will you just talk to Freddie About it? No.
I'm not gonna talk to Freddie about Sam until he admits to me that they kissed.
These pants are squeezing me in ways you can't understand.
Why won't Freddie just tell me that he and Sam kiss These are Carly's pants, okay? Mistakes were made.
Maybe you should take 'em off.
Good call.
Where's the olive oil? - In the bathroom where you left it.
- Yep.
Oh, the squeezing is.
I'm really gettin' worried about Sam.
- I mean it's been three days since - Since you two kissed?! Yeah.
I know.
I saw it with both my eyes.
You guys were talking and then she kissed you.
And you didn't stop her.
Why didn't you tell me? You should've told me.
Do you like her? Is this a new chapter in our lives? What's goin' on? Do you have any fruit? I don't know, But if I do you can have it, you know why? 'Cause I don't keep things from you! I didn't tell you 'cause even I don't know what it means.
She just kissed me.
- Well, where is she now?! - I don't know! - I've called her, I've texted - What? That's your idea face.
- What's your idea?! - Come here.
What's going on?! You can track the location of a pear phone if you know the user's password.
Do you know Sam's password?! Yes.
Well, good.
Tell me.
I can't say it out loud.
It's icky.
Fine, I won't look.
You type it in.
'Kay.
Okay.
Let's find her phone.
- Locating, tracking and - Where is she?! I have to click the items.
- Well, do it.
- 'Kay.
- Uh, okay.
It's - Troubled waters Mental hospital?! Mental hospital? Gibbehhh.
- 'Sup people? - We're going to a mental hospital.
Yes! - Bye, Spencer! - Wait! Bring back some more olive oil! Oh, God! In 5, 4, 3, 2 I know, you see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful it's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one every time just see the brighter side of every situation somethings are meant to be so give it your best and leave the rest to me leave it all to me leave it all to me leave it all to me just leave it all to me Hi.
Welcome to troubled waters.
How can I help you? Um, we're here to see Sam Puckett.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Miss Puckett isn't accepting visitors.
Listen, we're like really close friends with Sam.
Can we please just talk to her for a minute? - Just for a minute? - Promise.
No.
Will you quit starin' at me? Please get me some beryllium nitrate and four metric tons of ionized quadrazine.
Sorry, I don't roll that way.
Hey, distract the nurse so we can go find Sam.
Can you do that? Uh, Gibbehhhh.
Good.
You can kick me anywhere you want below the waist.
And I won't feel it.
Why not? My pants are made of neutronium cotton.
You don't believe me? Kick my thighs.
Kick 'em hard.
We We don't want to.
Liar! Oh my goodness.
Are you all riiii ahhhh! - You look that way! - I'll look this way! - No - Okay.
Just go, go, go.
What is the matter with you? Excuse me, is Sam Puckett in this Sam! Hello, Carly.
- What do you want? - To find you! What are you doing in this mental institution?! Finger-painting.
What do you think? It's a beautiful finger.
Thanks.
Who put you in here?! - I put myself in here.
- What? Why? 'Cause my head's jacked! I'm bonkers! Do you know? What, that you kissed Freddie? - Shut up! - I think it's awesome! - I think it's great.
- No-no-no-no-no-no.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Why are you freaking out? - No, no, no, no.
Weee-ooo - What happened? That boy jumped me! No, I fell.
Fell?! - You leapt over my desk and - Miss Pelvin, please.
Why don't you go to the ladies' room and clean up? You look a mess.
Oh.
All right.
You've got to get me out of here.
- I must get back.
- To where? The future.
The fu Shut up.
It's true.
I'm from the year 2077, and I can prove it.
How? Because I remember meeting you on this very day.
No, you don't.
Seriously? Yes.
And if I remember this meeting correctly, About 20 seconds from now, I grab your nose and twist it.
No way.
Well, I can't be sure.
This day did happen a long time ago.
But I'm fairly certain that Whoa! How'd you know that was gonna happen? I told you.
I'm from the future.
Would you like to know more? - I have cookies.
- Let's go.
Accept it, Carls, I've lost my mind.
What, you think that just 'cause you like Freddie - Don't say it out loud! - It's alright to say it out loud! No, it's not! - Sam loves Freddie! - Quit it! Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie! - Sam loves fre - There you guys are.
You get out.
Lickin' my hand won't make me let go.
Sam, come on.
Just Why does your hand taste like peanuts and mud?! 'Cause yesterday I was outside playin' in the mud, eatin' peanuts.
I'm gonna leave this room, go wash my tongue, And you two talk.
I don't hear talking! Why'd you come here? To figure out why you checked yourself into a mental hospital.
- You wanna know why? - Kinda.
- 'Cause I hate you.
- Then why'd you kiss me? Because I I like you.
So you hate me, and you like me.
Now, you see why I need to be in here? I got problems.
I can't think straight, I can't eat, I just I don't Sam, we have hot quesadillas if you'd like to Look, Sam, I get that you're feeling a little Who cares? So I kissed you.
So So maybe I do like you a little bit, but it doesn't matter 'Cause there's no way I'd ever "go out" with you.
Or be your little girlfriend and dang this place makes good quesadillas.
- Can I have one? - No.
Can we talk about the kiss? Yeah, actually, let's never talk about it, all right? Sam Don't kill me.
I was just gonna say, no matter what happened that night, or what you're feeling right now, I'm telling you Off.
You're not any more mentally unstable than you have been your whole life.
You really mean that? I do.
'Kay.
Let's get outta here.
Good.
Sure.
And in the year 2041, the entire state Of California Kerplunk, into the ocean.
Those poor celebrities.
He's not from the future! - Is! - Gibby, you watch your tone.
You are speaking to the future vice president of the United States.
He is not speaking to the I'm gonna be vice president? Yeah, who believes now? Carls, come on, we're blowin' this joint.
Excuse me.
You can't just leave.
I can do whatever I want.
What's wrong? That patient's trying to escape.
- I'm not trying to escape.
- She checked herself in here.
And now I'm checkin' myself out.
Now go get my bag or no tip.
You're under 18 years of age.
You can't leave this place without permission from a parent.
Dude, my mom's in Tijuana having laser hair removal.
- Where's your father? - You tell me! Sir,you have to let her leave.
We're doing iCarly tomorrow night.
- I what? - It's a popular web show.
It can't be that popular if I've never heard of it.
It's not for old people.
Look! She stays.
- Dude! - You people leave.
- Get 'em outta here.
- Hey! - You kidding me? - Hey, paws off! I'm the future vice president of the United States! Have one.
They're still warm.
Oh, very nice.
That looks yummy.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Are those your book club ladies? Yes.
You guys talkin' about a book? No.
We're just exchanging recipes.
Recipes for what? Fruit tarts.
Okay, everyone out! No more fruit tarts for today.
Buh-bye, ladies.
Buh-bye.
- Thanks for coming.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- See you next week At Stephanie's.
- Thankyou.
Okay.
All right.
Just So, were you like kidding.
when you texted me "with Sam at mental hospital"? - Nope.
- And she's still there.
- Can I have some fruit tarts? - Sure.
So why is Sam at troubled waters? She thought she was insane for kissing me.
- So she wants to be there? - Not anymore.
But they won't let her leave without a parent going there and signing her out.
Well, we know tons of parents.
One of Sam's parents.
Oh.
I can't believe poor Sam is stuck in that place.
And how are we gonna do iCarly tomorrow night? Guys! Duh! Just get some lady to go there with you and say she's Sam's mom.
And have her sign Sam out.
No! I am not dressing up like Sam's mom.
We weren't gonna ask you to.
- I wanna do it! - Oh.
- Fine.
- Okay.
I'll get my boobs.
Hey Caleb.
- Caleb! - What? The TV's not on.
Ugh.
It's about time.
You guys got my mom? Sorta.
In here, Mrs.
Puckett.
Hello, Sam.
Bleh! Hey, mom.
How'd your laser hair removal go? Great.
Now I'm smooth as a dolphin.
- Ma'am, this is Sam's mother.
- That's right.
She's here to sign Sam's release papers.
Release papers.
All right.
You'll need to fill out this form and sign at the bottom of page two.
Yeah, of course.
Spencer? Ah-hah.
No, I'm Pam Puckett a woman.
Spencer, come on.
It's me, Gary Bervin.
I went to law school with you for three days.
No, no.
You have me confused with someone else that isn't me, Pam Puckett.
Goodbye.
Man, you're still hilarious.
Hey, what up with the wig? No, don't pull my hair! That's no way to treat a lady.
Seriously, stop it.
Gary.
Gary.
Quit it, Gary! Oh, what? Okay, okay, now what's goin' on? That man is impersonating a woman.
I just wanna get outta here! You can't leave without a parent's approval! Listen! We gotta start iCarly in like 30 minutes I love iCarly! You see how many mental patients love iCarly? Just let her leave.
Not until her mother walks through that door and signs a release.
But all right Why don't we just do iCarly from here tonight? You are not doing a web show from this hospital.
Let 'em do iCarly! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! See, everyone agrees! - No, we don't! - Shut up! Who said that?! You let 'em do iCarly here, or I'm gonna tell everyone your secret.
What secret? You know.
I say they do iCarly right here! Thirty seconds.
I'm wearing neutronium cotton pants.
Kick my thigh.
I won't even feel it.
Dude.
No, I'm not no.
You chicken, aren't you? You're too chicken to kick my thigh.
You chicken? He's a chicken.
You're too chicken to kick my thigh.
You Oh! Oh! I didn't even feel that.
Don't touch it.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 One! Hey-dee-hooo! - People call me Carly! - People call me smooth and refreshing.
And this be iCarly.
Now crank that whistle! - Hey, Sam.
- A'yeeeessssssss? This isn't the iCarly studio.
Well, it sure isn't, Carls.
- Because tonight - We're coming to you live from troubled waters Mental Institution.
- If you have mental issues - You'd be crazy to go anywhere else! Warning: In the year 2029, Aliens capture Ryan Seacrest.
Now, tonight on iCarly, We're gonna start out by having Gibby sit on some Sushi, And then he will try to identify what kind of fish it is.
Fingers crossed for salmon.
Uh, actually, we're gonna do something else first.
'Kay.
Then I'm goin' back to the men's room.
What do you mean we're doin' somethin' else first? Okay.
So you fans of iCarly who wanna see Sam and Freddie get together.
- Carly, I don't think it's a good - Shush! Now, the problem is, Sam thinks it's insane for her to like Freddie.
'Cause it is.
But we wanna hear from you.
Four years from now, Virginia and West Virginia will merge to form one huge Virginia.
Settle down, Virginia.
Now we wanna hear from you, the fans of iCarly.
So if you think Sam's insane for liking Freddie or not Just video chat us right now.
Here at iCarly.
com.
- Dude - Here's Wavy Becca.
- Hey, iCarly! - Hi.
- Hey.
- 'Sup.
I think Sam and Freddie would make an awesome couple.
Okay.
So to clarify, You don't think Sam's insane for liking Freddie? No way! Freddie's hot.
Yeah, let's not get carried away.
Okay.
Next up we have Goopy Gilbert.
Hey, Goopy Gilbert, what do you think about Sam and Seddie! Seddie! So you think Sam and Freddie should be together Seddie! Thank youuu! Okay, look, I don't care how many iCarly fans say I'm not insane for liking Freddie.
- I know that I'm - Wait, wait, wait.
Let's take one more chat.
- No, I don't wanna - Just one more.
Here, hold this.
- You be nice.
- Just Hey, it's me Freddie.
So, uh, a lot of people have been talkin' about whether Sam and I should, you know, go out with each other.
And it's like everyone's wondering if Sam is crazy for wanting to.
But nobody asked me how I feel.
- We talked about it.
- No, you talked.
You told me how you feel while you ate a quesadilla.
The quesadillas here are amazing.
Shh! Anyway, yeah, it's important how Sam feels, But how I feel's important, too.
Okay, Benson, we get it.
You wanna humiliate me on the Web in front of millions of people.
Go ahead and just do it.
I don't care.
Get back at me For all the mean things I've You mean that? Mm-hmm.
So I guess we're both insane.
So now what? Seddie! Gilbert, dinner time! Spaghetti! And goodnight.