In Living Color (1990) s05e01 Episode Script

- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to another exciting year of.
.
.
[Clears Throat.]
In Living Color.
Or what we call it around here is I.
L.
C.
[Dying Laugh.]
Anyway, I'm gonna be introducing some of the new cast members.
First up, we got Anne-MarieJohnson.
- Thank you.
- [Cast, Audience Cheering.]
[David.]
You better work, girl.
Look all this here.
She's gonna be tellin' us, you know, what's happenin' now, in the heat of the night.
- [Laughs.]
Look out! - They call me Mr.
Tibbs! That's beautiful.
Okay, next up, we got Carol Rosenthal.
A'ight.
We got my man.
.
.
Marc Wilmore.
He's one of the famousWilmore boys.
And last, we haveJay Leggett.
And, of course, you know we got the O.
G.
Staff here.
Jim, Ali.
T'Keyah on bass, Tommy on drums.
And, on backup vocals, Jamie Foxx.
- Good morning, honey.
- Hi, honey.
I see we're having the same old boring breakfast again.
Uh-uh.
Today, we're gonna start our day off with something new.
It's "Rusell Simon" Def StrawberryJam.
[Announcer.]
Yes.
! It's Rusell Simon's Def StrawberryJam.
One bite will turn your familyinto a fresh, fly hip-hop crew.
Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! That's a.
.
.
[Bleeps.]
Good.
.
.
[Bleeps.]
You know, it's about time you served some good food.
.
.
[Bleeps.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, your ugly.
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.
[Bleeps.]
Ain't the only.
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.
[Bleeps.]
Who likes this.
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.
[Bleeps.]
Those.
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[Bleeps.]
kids be puttin' it on their waffles and.
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.
[Bleeps.]
Whoo! Let go of my.
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.
[Bleeps.]
Eggo! You let go of my.
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.
[Bleeps.]
Eggo! No! You let go of my.
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.
[Bleeps.]
Eggo! I'll stick my foot up your.
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.
[Bleeps.]
So deep.
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.
your breath will smell like shoe polish! Oh, you little.
.
.
[Bleeps.]
Can kiss my black.
.
.
[Bleeps.]
- [Kids Shouting, Bleeped.]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! What you little.
.
.
[Bleeps.]
Fightin' over? There's enough of this.
.
.
[Bleeps.]
- For everybody! - Damn! - Damn! - [Hip Hop.]
- Simons in the house! Give it up for my man Russell.
He's dressed like a bum, but he's paid like.
.
.
[Bleeps.]
Look here! We out! Peace! Peace! [Hip Hop Continues.]
[Announcer.]
Yo.
! It's Rusell Simon's Def StrawberryJam.
Also try Miracle "Whip That.
.
.
[Bleeps.]
Salad Dressing and.
.
.
[Bleeps.]
FruitJelly.
With a name like Russell Simons, yo.
! It's got to be.
.
.
[Bleeps.]
good.
Out.
! Peace.
! You ever make the wrong turn, and, next thing you know, you're "in the hood"? And why do they call it "hood"? What is it, like, the entire city's a giant sweatshirt.
.
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and that's the part you pull over your head? What.
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.
is the deal? [Siren Wailing In Distance.]
George.
Look at that.
What? What am I looking at? What? What's the deal with the burnt-out car? The guy's never heard of a trade-in? When they say warm up the engine.
.
.
this is not what they intended.
What.
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is.
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the deal? Jerry, what are we doing here? Look around.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
It's.
.
.
[Nervous Chuckle.]
Where.
.
.
Where are we? I said, "Let's take a cab.
" But, no, no.
You didn't want to take a cab.
Mr.
No Cab.
Mr.
King of the No Cabs.
That's what I gonna call you from now on.
.
.
King No Cab.
What are we doing here? It's, uh.
.
.
[Chuckling.]
[Murmurs.]
Jerry, George.
- What is this? - Thank God, I caught up with you guys.
I've been running for 30 blocks just to find a door to enter through.
Kramer! What are you doing here? I came to get my haircut.
Oh, yeah.
It took me 20 years to realize I had the hair of a black man.
I must be an octoroon.
Don't just stand there, Kramer.
Help us.
Do something.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
You honkies are on your own.
Oh, yeah.
[Chattering.]
What's with the elaborate way black guys shake hands? They smack, slap, wiggle.
What is the deal? Hey.
I haven't seen you in a long time.
I think I'll smack you and slap you and really hurt your hand.
Let me ask you somethin'.
What you doin' up in the projects? [High-strung Voice.]
Yeah.
Yeah, this the projects.
Projects? What teacher assigned this project? Looking at the state of it, I hope they're grading on a curve.
- What? - Don't pay any attention to him.
He's delirious.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
So, if he does say something, it's, uh, delirium.
So don't pay any atten.
.
.
That's why they call him Mr.
, uh, Delirious.
It's looks like your man is dissin' you, brother.
What up? Yeah.
He cold dissin'.
What is "dis"? Is it the opposite of"dat"? And when did we become brothers? Does Mom know about this? Hey, yo! Don't be talkin' 'bout my mother.
What's up? Hey, man.
You-You treadin' on ground zero, you talkin' 'bout this boy's mama.
Why are black guys so protective.
.
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of their mothers? - Hey, man, what did you say? - He doesn't know what he's saying.
He doesn't know.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
So, uh.
.
.
Boy, does he not know what he's saying.
- Boy? Who you callin' "boy"? - [Muttering.]
I didn't mean "boy.
" I don't even know what boy means.
"Girl" I know.
But I don't know from boys.
- Let's get this sucker.
- We'll bum rush your ass! Why do they call it "bum rushing"? Who's a bum? What's the rush? Why would a bum be in a hurry? They have nowhere to go.
They have no pressing engagements.
They're bums.
They should call it " dragging you off and kickin' the".
.
.
Yeah, look, uh, Jerry Seinfeld couldn't make it here tonight.
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so, you know, he asked us to fill in for him.
- You know what I'm sayin'? - Yeah.
Heh, heh.
Fill in for him.
Peep this.
You know, like, when you be washing your laundry and stuff.
.
.
you know, like, one sock end up missin' and stuff.
- Like, what's up with that? You know what I'm sayin'? - [Giggling.]
Yeah.
What be up with that missin' sock? [Hip Hop.]
[Man Rapping.]
[Fades Out.]
[Cheering.]
[Gasping, Stomping Foot.]
[Wheezing Laugh, Coughing.]
Let's keep it goin' for Frankie, the comic with one name.
- Come on, Frankie.
- [Crowd Applauds.]
Our next act hopes to release some of the tension.
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that is grippin' our neighborhood.
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and heal it.
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.
[Coughs.]
With laughter.
So, in the spirit of brotherhood.
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give a big Zodiac Comedy Shack welcome.
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for Sammy.
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.
[Coughs.]
and Kim.
- Come on.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, everybody.
All right.
Boy, I tell you what.
It's good to be here.
Matter of fact, it's good to be anywhere.
Say what? [Laughing.]
You heard what I said, right? All right, well, you know, right now.
.
.
it's time for me to introduce you to my best friend.
I'm talkin' about my main man.
.
.
Kim! Give it up for Kim! Well, say hello, dummy.
[Affecting Asian Accent.]
Hello, dummy! Kim's crazy, isn't he? Now we would like to do a little sketch.
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.
that we call "The Market.
" - [Applause.]
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
[Whistling.]
Yo, man.
Why you always follow me around, man? [Accent.]
You buy something now! Man, I'm telling you.
I'm just lookin', all right? You no looking.
You buy! Man, give me a chance, man.
Damn.
I wanna decide.
I don't feel comfortable with you breathing down my neck.
Then you no liking.
Then you leave! Come in tomorrow! Fine.
I'm outta here.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Now continuing with the healing.
Right now, we'd like to do something that we call "The Liquor Store.
" - [Applause.]
- Thank you so much.
[Whistling.]
Yo, man.
Why you always follow me around, man? You buy something now! Hey, man.
I'm just lookin', man.
You no look.
You buy.
Come on, make my day.
You steal malt liquor! I know! Man, when did I steal malt liquor, man? When don't you? I told you I'm gonna pay for it, all right? Why do I look like to you? Do I look like some kind of dummy? That's why I am watching you.
[Karate Yell.]
All right, man.
Damn.
[Whistling.]
Hey, man! Damn! You no reading my magazine! You buy! This is no library! You buy now! Man, get off my butt.
No.
You kissing my butt.
And I hope, when you apply your lips to my buttock.
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.
you come up with splinter on your tongue.
You no look! You buy! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Have a good evening.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Whoo! Oh, man.
Now continuing on the theme called.
.
.
"Can't we all just get along?" We would like to close with a little dramatic moment.
.
.
I'd like to call "The Riot.
" - [Applause.]
- Thank you.
Whaa! Whaa! You no burning my store! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Of all the crowds we've performed for.
.
.
You been the most recent.
I'm Kim.
And I'm Sammy.
Can't we all just get along? [Karate Yell.]
Peace.
All right.
One more time! Sammy and Kim! [Woman On P.
A.
.]
Dr.
Jones.
Dr.
Klein.
Paging Dr.
Klein.
Okay.
Just fill out these forms in triplicate.
.
.
and the doctor will see you shortly, okay? - [Animal Yelps.]
- What was that? - I don't know.
It sounds like somebody ran over a hyena.
- Eww! Hey! - Whoo! - [Audience Whooping.]
Hey.
- [Whooping Continues.]
- [Man Shouts.]
- Um, can I help you? - Oh, yeah.
'Cause I'm in pain.
I ain't felt pain like this since I got my stomach kicked in in the riots.
Uh, Miss, I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to wait.
- There are about 10 people.
.
.
- You don't understand.
I'm "ret" to blow.
Oh, my! Well, here.
You have a seat.
.
.
and I will get the doctor right away.
You don't have to be puttin' your hands all on me though.
Ooh, shoot.
These contractions is just killin' me, girl.
Ooh, and this makin' my lips so hard and crispy.
Ooh, would you like some? - No, thank you.
- Oh, okay.
- Did you take Lamaze? - No, but I was with Lamar and Lamertin.
I don't know Lamaze.
Ain't he light-skinned and stuff? And he used to pop lock and stuff back in the day? I remember him.
He's good.
He's good.
I'll rock his world.
I sure will.
Why you so scared? Why you be scared? I can't help it.
I'm two weeks overdue.
Oh, girl, that ain't nothin'.
I'm about two months overdue.
I just crossed my legs 'cause.
.
.
and held it in 'cause I wanted me a Capricorn.
That's real.
Ooh, boy, I feel like this baby is kickin' field goals in my stuff.
- [Loud Splash.]
- Oh! Oh! I guess I shouldn't have drank all that Kool-Aid.
Oh, my God.
Your water broke.
Doctor! Quickly.
- Yes, nurse.
What seems to be the problem? - Oh.
[Screams, Yelps.]
I've got you, you little damn pig! Take her off of me.
!What the hell.
.
.
- Get her to the burn unit immediately.
- She is about to give birth.
She looks like a damn moose chewin' ice.
What the hell is this? Grab a net.
I'll get the dart gun.
Doctor.
Doctor, this could happen any second.
Okay, miss.
I'm gonna have to lay you on the table.
- Get on the table.
- All right.
Lay me on the table.
Lay me down.
As soon as I get this bun out the oven, we could really do somethin'.
You ain't turnin' me on.
You gonna have to turn me in.
Oh, Doctor! Her contractions are just a minute apart.
We've gotta hurry.
- Uh, do I have to.
.
.
- [Moaning.]
Oh, uh.
.
.
[Groans.]
Hell, this looks like a good place for a Stick Up.
Uh, Nurse, why don't you just hose her down, and-and.
.
.
I mean, hold her down.
I gotta go prep.
Now you calm down, or I'm gonna have to give you an episiotomy.
Ooh, you nasty.
You ain't touchin' no part of my 'natomy.
You all with that kinky stuff in here.
I ain't in with that stuff.
Let go of me.
This is for men only.
Doctor.
Doctor, we need you stat.
[Chortling.]
Move outta the way, 'cause I'm goin' in! Check it out.
Get all in there.
Ooh, Doctor, you look freaky.
You got all that rubber on and stuff.
I'm down for some "M and M.
" Come on.
Oh, my God! It's the face of Satan! - Do you need anything? - A priest and some holy water! Did you see that? Oh, Doctor.
Look, Doctor, this pain is too much.
I think you're gonna have to do one of them Caesar salad sections on me.
- Give me somethin' for this pain.
- Do you want an epidural? No.
Give me a "scrawberry" daiquiri.
.
.
and some "scrimps.
" You gotta be out of your ugly mind.
Get her some anesthesia.
Oh, you mean Anesthesia.
She over at Darnel's and them house.
- Oh, my God.
I think she's gonna blow.
- Okay.
Okay, now push! - Push! - [Farting Noise.]
Not like that! Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I shouldn't have ate all them chitterlings and stuff.
- Ooh, I feel it comin'.
- We're gonna have to go with this one, honey.
We're gonna have to go.
Set one! Set! Set! [Screaming.]
It's Rosemary's baby! Oh.
Congratulations! It's a.
.
.
Oh, um, it's alive.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
You so beautiful.
You look just like your mama.
[Crying.]
You remind me of Halle Berry.
[Cooing.]
Yeah, baby.
I'm a-rock your cradle, baby.
Now, I just need a little information for the birth certificate.
What's the horse's.
.
.
uh, the father's name? Yeah, man.
Who the hell did this? And why is he free to walk the earth? I don't know, but.
.
.
don't you worry about it, little Wanda.
I'm a-find your daddy.
[Theme.]
Yeah! All right! See ya later, guys! Don't take drugs! Good night! [Continues.]
[No Audible Dialogue.]