Jersey Shore s05e01 Episode Script

? Figaro Fist pump, pushup, chapstick.
Whoa! I love Italy! Hey! - Going to Italy was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and a dream that I've had my whole life.
- Ooh, look at that butt.
- He's a cutie.
Nice ass.
I think the statue of David's pretty sexy.
I would do it.
She has no underwear on! Italy was a great time, but we all knew there was gonna be drama.
What happened? Where's my boyfriend? Jionni! Nobody knows about this.
Me and Snooki hooked up, like, two, three months ago.
Mike called the unit to call Jionni and tell him everything that [Bleep.]
happened with you and Mike.
- I didn't! - [Bleep.]
You, Mike! - I didn't! - Mike, I'm not kidding! - Oh, Nicole!! - I [Bleep.]
Hate you! Who's gonna be the bad guy? Situation? No problem.
I've roomed with Vinny before, I know what goes down, and they got it in.
[Laughs.]
I ended up in Vinny's bed.
- Did you hook up with him? - Yes.
Oh, Vinny is dead.
Who wants to leave Italy and go to Jersey? [Laughs.]
Let's go to Jersey, bitch! [All shouting.]
[Get crazy by lmfao.]
Dj Pauly Delvecchio! I'm going to the Jersey shore, bitch! All right, we got a situation.
After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.
Go Vinny! Go Vinny! You like the boobs? If you wanna have fun and do something crazy [Speaking Italian.]
Arrivederci! Jersey, here we come! Whoo! - Peace out, Italy.
- Jer-sey! Jer-sey! - Whoa! - Let's go, let's go.
- This is it.
- Yeah, let's do it.
I'm ready to go home to America.
I cannot get a haircut out here, I can't go tanning out here, and the gym sucks; I'm going to Jersey.
? I wanna go home ? yeah ? I wanna go home, yeah we've done everything you could possibly do, I think, in Florence, and we're ready to go be in our element at the Jersey shore.
Me and croc are off to Jersey.
Bye, Italy.
It's been real.
But honestly, I need my homeland of guides on the boardwalk.
Whoo! Holla.
[Flight attendant speaking Italian.]
I just feel like ? ahh I'm so excited to be home.
You have no idea.
- America up.
- Yay! - Mwah.
- Yay, England! I want a big, fat burger.
Remember that, [Bleep.]
.
I'll never leave you again.
We're so excited to see America.
I feel like I was at boarding school, and America's my mother, and I'm coming home to my mother right now.
Feels nice to see signs I can actually read.
Now, I'm letting everybody know in this house right now that I do not care what room I go in.
The legit problem is nobody wants to room with Mike.
Mike seems to get himself in everybody's drama, no matter who it is, he loves to stir up some bull[Bleep.]
.
I don't want him to bring that to our room.
- I want my old bed.
- I want my bed.
I'm the only one in the house that has a I like my bed.
My bed is my bed, and like, I peed in it last year, so who would want to sleep in that bed? So that's the consensus, we're all taking our old rooms? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- [Giggles.]
If that's what it is, that's what it is.
Oh, my God.
This sucks.
Guys, we're going over the bridge.
- Here we come, Jersey! All: Whoo! - Seaside heights, bitches.
- I can't believe it.
We're about to pull up to the house.
I'm gonna throw up! - It's right there! - Aah! [Clapping and shouting.]
Whoo! [Hits ceiling.]
Get the [Bleep.]
out.
- Who's just running upstairs? - I am.
[All cheering.]
[Squealing.]
- Whoo! - Yay! [Both screaming.]
Wow! This is crazy.
Oh, my God! What the hell? - Look at my duck phone! - Oh, my God! Yaaay! It's so clean! Are the hermit crabs still in here? [Screams.]
I can't believe this is happening right now.
Like, I'm finally home.
Yeah! [Screaming.]
Me and Vinny are so excited that Vinny immediately jumps on my bed, and like, dry humps me on my bed, just to break it in like old times.
Oh, I'm so happy this is our room, bro.
There's no way I woulda taken any other room.
Nope.
Flippin' [Bleep.]
, and having temper tantrums, and crying and [Bleep.]
, I won't stand for that, bro.
[Laughs.]
- I won't stand for that.
- Upstairs is the crying room.
- I won't stand for that.
- That's the upstairs room.
I don't even know where to put half my [Bleep.]
.
Ohh I can't believe that I'm living in a room with Mike again.
Who wants to room with Mike? Nobody.
This is like, the divider.
- All right.
- I guess the middle right here.
I've lived with Ron and Sam last year I want nothing to do with you.
Move out the room.
I'll move this [Bleep.]
myself.
[Bleep.]
Off! You psycho! And then I lived again with Ron in Italy, which, obviously, that didn't work out too well.
I don't give a [Bleep.]
about your relationship! You wanna [Bleep.]
do it? [Bleep.]
! [Bleep.]
! Stop it! I don't know, I just I'm just trying to put it behind me.
And, you know, maybe we could be friends again.
Or not.
No problems this time.
Like, I really don't want any issues.
Not with me.
I'll let you do your thing, I don't care.
Let's make sure we're cool.
We're cool.
- Right, Ron? - Yeah.
We're gonna keep the same rooms, but if he does get involved in my relationship, I will be forced to put his bed on the porch.
Just don't get involved in any relationship [Bleep.]
this time.
- I'm I'm I'm cool.
- Thank you so much.
- It's like the never-ending bag trip.
God, you'd think there's Wow.
This is gonna be an issue.
Shoulda took a shot before we did this.
Hey, would you like some room with these bags? I'm not unpacking right now.
I'm over this.
Let's have fun.
Oh, my God! Oh, whoo! Oh, my God! Let's do a pickle shot! Eww, Nicole.
Oh, my God! I never knew how much I missed pickles and pickle juice.
It's like an overwhelming feeling that I can't even explain, I mean, it's just weird.
My two loves.
A shot to the seaside.
Mmm.
- I'm making Ron-Ron juice.
- Ooh, I want a Ron-Ron juice.
Whoo! [Chanting and shouting.]
Jersey! Jersey! Yeah, who would ever thought I'd miss this house? That's a good batch, right there.
Oh, wow, Ronnie.
I should be a waitress.
All: Yay! Whoo! - We're in seaside, bitches! - Cheers to seaside! - Here's to a good summer.
- Here's to a good summer! Seaside! [All cheering.]
- What a good time! - Oh, yeah! I say we hit the boardwalk.
Let's go, let's go.
- We're gonna go to the t-shirt shop first.
We're going to see Danny.
[Fireworks popping.]
Finally, we're hitting the boardwalk.
We all decide to go and check out the shore store, because we are gonna be working there again.
Shore! [All shouting.]
What's up, guys? The guidos are here! This is the palest I've ever seen.
You're all Vinny's color.
I kinda like it.
All: Oh! It's your third year.
I'm expecting you guys to be the pro veterans this year.
Schedule's up here.
So you guys should write it down.
Yo, can I be the press manager? It feels great to be back in the t-shirt shop.
As crazy as that sounds, I can't wait to work again.
- You guys happy to be back? - Hell, yeah.
I wanna hear all the stories about Italy, so I was hoping that tomorrow at, like, 7:00 I'm gonna take you guys out for drinks.
We're gonna go do Captain hook's, all right? Yeah! Captain hook's! Great to be back, my dude! Let's go to the boardwalk! ? It's a celebration ? gonna have a good time yay! - [Laughs.]
- Whoo! Whoa oh, whoa oh, whoa oh Hitting the boardwalk for the first time, one big, dysfunctional family, it's the perfect initiation back.
[All cheering.]
[Snooki screaming.]
- Whoo! - Whoo! Oh, I'm just so happy to be home.
What a good [laughs.]
I have an emergency! I have an emergency! If we don't gtl, it's like the end of civilization.
[Crowd cheers.]
I'm in shock for the first time in my life.
[Crowd cheering, whistling.]
What the hell? Gotta make it happen today, brotha! Gtl, haircut - I'm not even jet-lagged right now.
What's the plan, Sam? Yo, we're gonna make it happen today.
All-American errands today.
All unfinished business will be finished today.
Yeah, 'cause I need to go gmttl.
First thing I wanna do now that I'm back in America is I want to go tanning.
I'm as pale as a ghost.
I'm almost as white as my teeth.
Come on, I'm getting paler by the minute.
- Ronnie, let's roll! - Enjoy your day, fellas! - Oh, my God, have so much fun.
- Get tan! Get tan! Oh, God.
I'd rather go tanning first.
This is a serious situation right now.
We're losing weight, and we're getting pale.
It's like the end of civilization.
You should probably go on a like a medium bed.
[Bleep.]
That, I wanna shock my system.
- You're going hard-hard? I'm tanorexic, bro.
The tanning salon's gonna be coming up on the right-hand side.
I have an emergency! I have an emergency! - We are pale.
- I have an emergency.
All right, what do you wanna do? - Pauly d.
I need a stand-up.
Strongest lotion you have.
And the Max time, and I wanna go twice.
Oh, yeah! Tanning, yeah! I'm like 40 days behind in my game.
I need to get back to business.
You can't gtl in friggin' Italy.
No, you're not tan enough to get in front of me, dog.
Ah, home.
Now I feel better.
Ohh! I feel like I'm in heaven, because now I get to gtl again.
Mainly g.
You super set like this.
Arms'll get jacked real quick.
Hey! Long time, no see! 'Sup, girl? How are you? This is just you, this one bag.
Yes.
I don't know about any of y'all, but I'm, like, the happiest I've been in a while.
Ah, I feel [Bleep.]
good, man.
This is America.
I can breathe, like, I smell the smog, I love it.
Yeah, I love it.
[Phone line rings.]
Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messag oh, come on.
[Scoffs.]
Oh, my God.
I'm missing Jionni so much.
Last time I seen Jionni, it was in Italy, and it was like the worst time ever for us, and then I hooked up with Vinny, and you know, [bleep.]
Just got crazy.
So, honestly, I don't even know what's going on with Jionni.
It's hot in here.
Our air conditioner unless I'm freaking out.
I just wanna hear Jionni's voice.
This sucks.
I haven't talked to him in so long.
I know that feeling.
[Sighs.]
It's been forever since I've seen Roger.
It's horrible.
It's gonna feel so good to get a haircut.
Yo, my bad, we got no no appointment, no nothing.
We just happy to be back.
First day back.
You don't even know what situation did to his head out there.
He looked like one of the three stooges.
- Vinny, you wanna do this? - Yeah, buddy.
Don't make fun of the hair, son.
Vinny been cutting my hair.
- You want a job? - [Laughs.]
I'm so happy to see American barbers that use straight-edge razors, and the right clippers, and they know how to fade, and shape up, and tape up.
We love it.
Yo, you look like a UFC fighter right now.
[Laughter.]
I don't even wanna mess you look mean right now.
Yo, we we looking fabulous right now.
Uh, are we good? We all good.
- I feel good now.
- Aw, I feel real good.
My six-pack will be ready in seven days.
I already feel bigger.
Oh, you look cute.
- 'Sup, gorgeous? - You're mad tan.
Look at his hair.
Turn around.
Turn around.
- Oh, God.
- What the hell? - That's sick, vin.
- And he got a tan.
Look at you.
He's officially a guido now! Vinnie's hair I think it's like a mixture between a mullet, a Mohawk, and a Fauxhawk.
I don't even know what to call that.
But it looks good on him.
Wow, vin.
All right.
Vin's a juicehead! In training.
No.
[Laughs.]
You look good with a blowout.
Yo, let's roll out! I just have unbelievable genetics.
- Holy boobs.
- Let's go! So wait, what is this? We're just going there to hang out? - I'm annoyed.
- We have to go this way.
No, it's the next block.
Danny invites us to Captain hook's for drinks and stuff like that.
Honestly, like, we just got to seaside.
I don't wanna go to a bar and hang out with my boss.
But hopefully he's paying for the drinks.
- Here we go.
- Is that it? It's dead.
That sucks.
How many cars are here? Like, five? Ugh, lame.
I see, like, an empty bar.
And all of a sudden All: Surprise! What the [Bleep.]
? Who is that? Holy [Bleep.]
.
I could not believe my eyes.
- What the hell? - Oh, my God! Snooki's gonna be drinking, and there's gonna be mad drama.
Tonight can get ugly real quick.
You [Bleep.]
idiot, I will start with you.
I'm homesick.
I can't do it.
'Cause I know right now he wants to jump.
I'm about to bounce, bro.
- I wanna say hello to Daniel.
- Is that it? - Here we go.
- It's dead.
That sucks.
What's goin' on, man? All: Surprise! [Cheers and applause.]
Who is that? We walked into Captain hook's I just see everybody's friends and family.
I'm just like Like, is this really happening right now? Oh, my God! - What the hell? - Holy [Chattering.]
Oh, my God.
- What the [Bleep.]
? - You look great, baby.
Love you, pal.
- [Squeals.]
- Hey! My God, like, our family's here.
Everybody's here that we've missed so much.
I see my dad, my best friend ryder, and Jionni.
Oh, my God! [Sobbing.]
I was so excited.
Hopefully this means I've been given a second chance with Jionni.
I just want to be with him.
That's all I ever want in life is to be with, you know, the person that I love, and that's him.
Mm I missed you.
I don't know, like, whether to be happy or sad.
Why, Vinny? I'm just in disbelief.
You know, I haven't seen my mom in so long, I feel.
And I'm literally in shock, I think, for the first time in my life.
Oh Welcome home, buddy.
Stop crying, okay? Oh Just happy to see you, vin.
I don't know, it's just seeing your family makes you realize how much you miss them.
- Dude.
- Surprised? - Uh, oh, my God.
- Worked out amazing, huh? Yeah.
I'm, like, shaking right now.
[Indistinct.]
How are you? Oh, Snooki cookie Bella Pauly d! That's Vinny's uncle Nino.
Uncle Nino's back, he's drunk.
He's hitting on every girl in the place.
- Oh! - Uncle Nino.
[Indistinct.]
Uncle Nino is the ultimate creep.
I feel like he should be in this house with us.
Honestly, he should get the smush room.
My buddy Mike! [Laughs.]
I didn't see uncle Nino.
He's with Mike's family right now.
Like, hey! He forgot what family he's with.
- Oh! - Uncle Nino! Uncle Nino! When you're done talking to your nephew, come meet Vinny! [Laughs.]
Hi, babe.
- How are you? - Good.
Tonight, the only thing I'm really worried about is Jionni.
You have Jionni and Nicole, who haven't seen each other, and there's kinda like unfinished business, and then you have Jionni with Vinny, Jionni with Mike.
It's like, tonight can get ugly real quick.
- Missed you.
- Missed you.
Hi! How are you? - I'm okay, how are you? - Aww, love you.
Awkward.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.
Who else is here? Vinny's sisters.
Have you ever met my daughters? No? I'll bring them over.
I feel bad for Jionni right now.
I would feel like a loser if I was in a room with the dude that slept with my girlfriend behind my back.
Such a perfect couple.
Aww.
What a perfect couple.
Look at that.
- [Indistinct.]
- Whoo! I wish I had a digital camera.
Aw.
I can predict the future, and I will let you know that tonight, um, snooki's gonna be drinking, and there's gonna be mad drama tonight.
Automatically.
Automatically.
I'm so ready for it.
My boy unit's here.
I mean, this is like the perfect storm.
Ryder and unit were witness to myself and Snooki gettin' down two months prior While she's been with Jionni.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I'm gonna go hang out with Jionni.
- No, no, no, stop, stop, stop.
- I like Jionni.
- I like Jionni, but just - I'm gonna go make you're gonna go [Bleep.]
with him.
No, I'm gonna go hang out with him.
I like him.
He's cool as hell.
Everybody knows the story, but it hasn't been confirmed.
Now the witnesses are here.
It's only a matter of time before the truth's coming out.
Hey, what's up, baby? Yo, um, hey, this guy right here is coming back to the crib.
Is that cool? I don't know what's going on, but I don't trust Mike and the unit.
So I don't want him in the house.
What do you think? What is that puss on your face, Snooki? - [Laughs.]
- Shut up.
Smile.
Damn.
You're so annoying, unit, like, who are you? Whatever.
Your [Bleep.]
hair's curly, you look like a [Bleep.]
ass[Bleep.]
right now.
- No, don't make me tell you - You need to gel your hair.
Yo, do you want me to tell you about y - no, stop, stop, stop, stop - I love I can be funny.
I can be very funny.
Tell me about myself.
- I can be very funny.
- I wanna hear it.
- Tell me about myself.
- I wanna hear it.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop - Tell me about myself.
- I wanna hear it.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop Because you [Bleep.]
ride off [Bleep.]
Mexico town, so what the [Bleep.]
do you have to say? - I wasn't making fun of you - No, what do you have to say? You're a [Bleep.]
loser.
It's not funny.
If you didn't have Mike, you'd be a [Bleep.]
loser.
You [Bleep.]
idiot.
Let me know when you want to be funny, and let's get hilarious, you know what I mean? If you wanna start, you [Bleep.]
idiot, I will start with you.
Stop, stop, stop, stop Nicole's just going off, saying really mean things.
It's probably the stupidest thing you can do because this is the key witness to the crime.
Stop.
How are you friends with a person like that? Snooki, I got you, girl.
I got you.
- Oh, you got me? - No, stop, stop.
No, stop - You got me? - I got you, girl.
[Bleep.]
Unit? Your name's [Bleep.]
unit, you moron! I got you, girl.
I got you.
- Okay, unit! Okay, unit! - Keep talking.
I got you, girl.
Okay, unit.
Get real, bitch! I got you so good! Get [Bleep.]
real! Watch your [Bleep.]
, girl! - What! All right! - Jeez.
Get [Bleep.]
real.
You're such an idiot.
Can I talk to you for five seconds? - No, I don't like him.
- Just listen.
Don't instigate, and I won't tell him to instigate, because you know what's gonna happen.
Did I instigate, Mike? This is the most funniest thing I've seen in years him trying to console her.
You love your boyfriend, right? - No [Bleep.]
, you know that.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Ass[Bleep.]
.
- Okay.
But he will say something, Snooki, if you keep saying something.
I promise he won't say anything.
I promise.
You okay? Fine, I just I don't [Bleep.]
like unit.
So just everybody, just be nice.
I think Snooki hooked up with Mike.
At this point, I really believe it.
Just the way she was when Mike was around Jionni, and the way she was when unit got close to them, or unit said anything to her, it's that guilty conscience.
- Was he hitting on you? - No, I just don't like him.
I don't want him near me.
Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Brb.
Oh, my God.
I got a question.
What happened with Nicole and Mike in that room? Nicole and Mike in that room when I was with ryder? What did you see? Did you see anything? Maybe you didn't see anything.
Believe me, I saw everything.
And if she wasn't trying to bring down my night, I'm gonna bring down her night.
- You ready to leave? - Yeah.
All right.
I don't see this turning to be a good night.
Like, I'm actually afraid to go home.
Time for war.
You guys gonna make out? 'Cause that'd be awesome.
Pauly and ry are, like, flirting.
You could tell it's definitely bothering Deena.
Stop.
You don't wanna start, you [Bleep.]
idiot? I will start with you.
How did this turn into so much drama? 'Cause unit's a [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
.
I don't want there to be any drama.
I just told her, "hang out with Jionni" That's what I thought.
"I'm gonna hang out with him, and that's it.
" And then she's like, "I don't care, I hate your friend.
" "I hate your yeah [Bleep.]
Him.
" - Why? - And I'm like because she thinks he's gonna say something.
Yeah, but you [Bleep.]
said it all in Italy.
But not while two witnesses are there.
This party is turning into a disaster.
Nicole and unit are fighting, and Mike's stepping in.
Like, I don't see this turning to be, like, a good night.
- Unit's being a [Bleep.]
er.
- I talked to him.
- Who? - He said unit.
You know what they're trying to do right now.
But he's not, 'cause he didn't.
- He didn't what? - Can you turn the water on? - Yeah.
- He hasn't said anything.
- About what? - About being in that room.
But he said if you keep [Bleep.]
with him, he's gonna bull[Bleep.]
you.
All right, do that, then.
No.
Do you want Jionni involved? Um, obvi, no.
All right, so are we gonna walk away from this at the house? I saw you earlier talking to who you shouldn't be talking to.
And I'm like, Jionni Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes Yo, Ronnie, do you wanna know something funny? All two witnesses are gonna be in the same house, the same time with the boyfriend.
Like, that's [Bleep.]
crazy.
That's, like, ironic.
Poetic.
It's insane.
Nicole shouldn't be blowing up on the unit if he has dirt.
That's like a that's like a bad chess move, right there.
That's checkmate for Snooki.
It's like she should be chillin' she should be licking my ass[Bleep.]
.
Yes, yes, she should be.
But she's not.
Sorry.
I freaked out a little bit.
What happened? I left for literally 15 minutes, and you were all pissed off.
It's bull[Bleep.]
.
Was it about me? Last call.
It was great to see you, my man.
- Yo.
- So good to have you back.
Glad you guys came.
It was a surprise.
- Come back as soon as I can.
Both: I love you.
- Thank you so much.
- You're the best.
- Thanks a lot, man.
- You're the best.
I'm glad you guys were surprised.
- I love you, I miss you.
- I will call you.
All right, bye, mom.
Be good, all right? Honestly, I'm glad that the party's over.
I was already spinning, emotionally.
Just coming home and transitioning from Italy to Jersey, and seeing my family just puts the [Bleep.]
washing machine on overload.
All right, be careful getting home.
- All right, bye.
- Love you.
- Love you.
- Bye, vin.
- Bye, vin.
- Bye.
- You ready to leave? - Yeah.
You ready to leave, go back to the crib? You guys ready to go back to the crib? - Yeah.
- All right.
Let's roll.
Come on.
Ugh.
What's the matter? Let's go, let's go.
It's off to the house, and my boy jonny unit is coming with me.
At any moment, something could pop off.
This is hurricane situation.
Okay? And it's heading straight for Snooki island.
I can't believe unit's staying here.
Go, and take a go straight, and take a left.
Take a left.
Quick.
Come on.
Where are we? What is this? This is my room.
All right, so Where's Snooki? I don't know.
I don't want unit or Mike to start any drama, because they're ass[Bleep.]
, and it's not necessary.
So when the unit's in the house, I'm just gonna go in my room and smush Jionni.
- I have my shoes on.
- Shush.
It will get crazy downstairs, so you need to be prepared.
Oh, I'm so ready.
Do you want a white or a black tank top right now? - I don't wear a shirt.
- All right, all right.
You do what you wanna do.
Yo, it's the best you've ever looked.
- Right? Sick, right? Hell yeah.
- It's nasty.
Um, I have whatever you obviously need.
Face wash, whatever.
Do you need new drawers or not? Yeah, why not? Yeah, yeah, you can take your pants off.
Oh, my God.
Like, let's be real.
I just feel like Mike has, like, gay tendencies.
See, you're getting naked right here, buddy.
Yeah.
Oh, I thought they said go to the bathroom, I was about to No, no.
All right, cool.
I'm getting naked right here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Get me outta here.
Ugh This is just so weird.
Mike normally wifes up his grenades this way.
Is he doing that with unit? Is it supposed to smell like skunk up here? It's not me.
All right, we about to go downstairs.
Just gimme one second, put moisturizer on, and we're out.
Time for war.
Let's make it happen.
My boy unit, he's got all the information I got.
And he wants to blow it wide open.
Especially since Snooki was mean to him tonight.
So I could just sit back and just watch the show.
We need food.
Where is everybody? - What's goin' on? - What up? We're trying to make burgers.
It's not successful.
- Where's Snooki? - She just went to bed.
[Bleep.]
.
Snooki knows what's going on.
So she eliminates Jionni from the equation.
And you wanna know how? Snooks? Uh-oh.
[Bleep.]
.
She hid.
She hid the whole night.
[Speaking gibberish.]
[Laughs.]
What did you just say? Pauly and ry are like flirting.
You could tell it's definitely bothering Deena.
'Cause Deena always wanted to get it on with Pauly.
'Sup, my ninja? Are you guys gonna make out? 'Cause that'd be awesome.
- Nope.
- [Laughs.]
Well? [Laughs.]
You're drunk.
Nah.
You? Oh, man.
Like, Ryder's really riding around town in this house.
Like, seriously.
Vinnie, the unit, now Pauly.
I'll show you where you're sleeping tonight, all right? Okay.
Are we gonna cuddle? Yeah.
Okay.
- What now? - I don't know.
- Let's play.
- What do you wanna do? - I don't know.
- Ciao.
Both: [Laugh.]
- What's up? - Tired.
Bye.
Whatever.
I'm happy.
Awesome.
Well Heh, well Both: [Laugh.]
- What up? - I'm just tired, my dudes.
I'm sorry.
Ryder's looking pretty good tonight, but she's already had sex with Vinny.
And I'm not really cool with Vinny's sloppy seconds.
So I don't know what to do with her.
Wait, could we have fun? - What're you trying to do? - I don't know.
But I don't want to be rude, so.
Whether you're the first man in, or the last man in, ryder.
- Let's do something crazy.
- Yeah.
[Laughs.]
[Hums funeral dirge.]
Nicole has gotta bend jon right now, 'cause she knows Jon's got her.
What's up, Snooki? He tried to break me and Jionni up.
[Whispers.]
Good morning.
What do you wanna wear? You could pick any t-shirt you want.
'Sup, pal? Everybody ride her.
Just like a bus route.
You didn't [Bleep.]
ryder yet, right? Hell yeah.
Oh, yeah, you did.
[Laughs.]
Ryder's [Bleep.]
everybody in the house.
If she [Bleep.]
Ronnie, it's like guido bingo.
- I don't like sloppy 23rds.
- [Laughs.]
'Sup, bro? - Looking for breakfast? - Yeah, definitely.
You got your Metro card? Why, so everybody can ride her? Just like a bus route? [Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
Can we go to get breakfast? - Let's go.
- We'll be back.
Bye.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
That was fun yesterday.
Snooki was mean as hell to him yesterday.
Uh-oh.
- Dun-dun-dun [Hums funeral dirge.]
[Laughs.]
What's happening, buddy? That kid has to be one of the nicest kids I've ever met.
Yeah, he's a good kid.
Come on.
They're trying to [Bleep.]
with me.
I'm gonna go have a cigarette.
Try to be nice while I'm gone.
Let me know if she says anything to you I mean, gives you permission I mean, I want an apology.
I do want an apology.
I never get Mike.
I don't know who he's trying to be today.
Is he gonna be the nice guy, or is he gonna be the [Bleep.]
head that's trying to, you know, [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
Up? I don't like your friend.
You were me you were me you were mean to him last night.
I don't like him.
He's a [Bleep.]
.
I know, but you said some pretty mean things.
Well, [Bleep.]
, he pissed me off last night.
But you definitely said some pretty mean things to him last night.
He's actually a little upset.
You should apologize, 'cause the ingredients of the bomb are here right now.
I mean, Nicole has got to bend jon right now, 'cause she knows Jon's got her.
- Where you going? - I wanna see something.
What's up, Snooki? I'm sorry about last night.
I don't I don't believe that apology.
I didn't mean it last night.
I was drunk, and I was just a lunatic.
I'm sorry.
You know, people get outta line, and they say the wrong things, and sometimes it gets 'em in trouble.
What, so you're gonna do something back to me because I got drunk and said something stupid to you? - No, I - I'm apologizing to you.
I don't like to apologize.
That's not me.
What's not you? Apologizing and admitting that I'm wrong.
But it is you just, like, going off on somebody for no apparent reason? Is that you? When I'm drunk, yes.
Mike knows.
I have a little bit of anger issues.
I'm sorry.
All right, you know what.
Apology's the first step.
I'll take that as a first step.
I apologized to unit, but I don't give a [Bleep.]
about unit.
I only did it because Mike's you know, told me to.
Take it for what it is.
I'm a nice dude.
I know you are.
I'm so surprised that she apologized.
And that was a good move by her.
If we do something now, it's gonna make us look bad.
You know what I'm saying? But we got the whole summer.
So we'll see what happens.
- This [Bleep.]
has some game.
- Yeah, she does.
- Guidos are here.
- Ryder! Did you guys make babies? Yeah, buddy.
We gotta go, so.
- Love you, kid.
- See you, dog.
- I love you.
- Love you.
- See you later.
- Guys talk tonight.
I've been away from my family for a long time now, and I'm a little homesick.
[Clears throat.]
I don't know.
It's it's a weird kind of feeling.
Seeing my mother last night, it kinda like, makes it a little worse I feel.
[Children shouting.]
- 'Sup, bro? - What up? - All right? - No, I feel like [Bleep.]
.
What's wrong? My family.
Depressed? Yeah.
At this point, yeah.
What makes you happy? Know what I mean, something that makes you happy.
Seeing my family, you know, for real.
Not seeing them over here.
Yeah, for one night.
I know.
Like, I need Like, I I need an escape.
You know? I think the fact that Vinny is so taken care of at home by his mom, that's affecting him a lot.
"I'm hungry," his mom cooks him dinner.
"I'm dirty," his mom wipes his ass.
I don't know, I think Vinny needs to kind of man up and, like, move on.
Want me to get you a stripper? [Snickers.]
Nah.
No? Hooker? - Mm-hmm.
- [Laughs.]
God, you wanna do sex? Nah.
[Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
- No, I mean with a hooker.
- [Laughs.]
Oh, God.
Help me.
Oh, boy.
She's battling you! She's battling you! Mike, do you want a shot or no? Whatever you want.
Jionni's buying me drinks all night.
And I'm thinking in the back of my head, like, wow, dude, if you only knew.
[Phone quacks.]
- Hello? - Nicole.
Are you at Aztec? - Yeah, where the hell are ya? - I'm coming.
Yo, you trying to go to Aztec? Yeah, just give me 10, What are you doing? - I might stay too.
- You gonna stay? Yeah.
Wanna go to Aztec? Like, if you wanna go, just pull two chicks real quick.
Whatever you wanna do, bro.
I'm feeling a little better right now.
And I decide to go to Aztec, and maybe develop some seaside momentum.
Ready? - Hey! - Whoo! You made it out! I guess we just wait for the hot girls to come.
Yeah.
Tonight I need to get Vinny a girl to cheer him up, 'cause that'll get him out of his funk, I know it.
But um [Grenades exploding.]
It's a war out there.
There's a lotta grenades.
Oh, boy.
Ew, what the hell? She's battling you! She's battling you! Oh, my God.
I'm [Bleep.]
going home, bro.
I swear to God.
Push them away from me.
I was only gonna stay in Aztec if it's really good, and Aztec is just not good.
Grenades everywhere, and just not worth it if you're not feeling like being in a bar right now.
We're gonna leave.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Did you wanna get her number first? No? I'm gonna wait over there.
Vin's in a funk since our surprise party, and I feel bad for him.
Like, I don't want anybody in a funk.
Because their funk puts me in a funk because they're in a funk, and I don't want anybody to be in a funk.
Is Vinny okay? He's tired.
My man Vinny's not feeling it, so bros before hos.
That's my boy, so I'm gonna leave with him.
Why you look so mad? I'm like, literally, bro, running on "e", and like, if it was worth it, I would've stayed, but - Wanna go back home? - Yeah.
I would just try to get some sleep tonight.
Wanna do that? Sleep tonight, sleep tomorrow night At this point, like, I'm really in a weird place.
I'm sad, I'm anxious, I'm stressed, I'm hyper, I'm tired, and I need sleep.
Your car can only get so far on fumes, you know.
Mike, do you want a shot or no? Whatever you want.
I see Jionni at the bar, and right away, he's like, "Mike, lemme get you a drink.
" And I'm like, "all right, cool.
I'll take a drink.
" Cheers.
All: Cheers! Next thing you know it, like, he's buying me drinks all night.
"Mike, you want a drink?" "Sure.
" "Mike, you want a shot?" "Sure, okay.
" And I'm thinking in the back of my head, like, wow, dude.
Like, if you only knew.
If you only knew it, but he's being so nice right now.
I like my man right here.
I like you, kid.
- Mike's a nice guy.
- Huh? Mike's nice to me.
It's really weird to see Mike, like, buddy buddy with Jionni because last night he tried to break me and Jionni up.
You think Mike's nice, but it's just not real.
I've met him twice, he came up to me.
He goes, "bro, you're the nicest guy I've ever met.
" Why does everyone say that to you? You're not that nice.
I swear to God, he said it twice.
Watch my back with Mike and you.
Why? He's gonna try and, like, be shady.
To me? I can't sleep.
[Chuckles.]
I'm just tired, and depleted, and exhausted, and I'm starting not to think rationally.
'Sup, dude? Vinny just, like, walked out the room.
Like, for Vinny to do that, and not say anything it's not good at all.
Like, all right, lemme go up there and talk to him, and see what I can do.
You all right? No.
- What's wrong? - I can't sleep.
Come upstairs.
My man Vinny is acting real, real, real weird.
He's got some anxiety, um, and seeing the family kind of sparked it a little bit.
So he's in this crazy funk.
My brain just doesn't work anymore, dude, I can't think, I can't [Bleep.]
, I can't sleep.
You know, I'm exhausted.
I have nothing left in me.
I'm homesick, you know what I'm saying? It's [Bleep.]
with me.
I can't do it.
[Clears throat.]
Just try to get through the weekend.
Like, maybe going out, listening to music, being around girls.
You got work tomorrow, and that's bro, I can't [Bleep.]
function in this environment.
I [Bleep.]
Can't.
Relax, bro.
I don't give a [Bleep.]
, bro.
Relax, dude.
You're spazzing out right now, relax.
[Clears throat.]
I'm suffering, dude.
I've never seen Vinny like this.
To this level, like, I seen him homesick before, but I never seen him this bad.
I'm worried for Vinny.
I don't know what else to do to get Vinny out of this funk.
You're making it worse, yo.
Over-thinking everything.
- Just - I'm about to bounce, bro.
- Nah, I think that's - That's a bad decision, bro.
Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.
This is starting to get crazy.
I'm like, how do I talk this kid off the ledge? Because I know right now he wants to jump.
I got nothing left to give, man.
I wanna go home.
When you're coming apart at the seams holding on tight to the rail when you're losing your sight of the dream