Key and Peele (2012) s05e01 Episode Script
Y'all Ready For This?
Hey, hey, hey, y'all, wait up, hold on.
- Hold on.
Listen up.
Listen up.
- Yeah.
Come on, man.
Y'all ready for this? Yeah! That's right, y'all.
'Cause you know what? We only get one chance.
Let's leave it all on the field today.
Hell, yeah.
We gonna give 'em something they can remember.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do this.
Ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We unstoppable! Yeah! But this is what we worked for, y'all.
It's time to handle our business.
Oh, we're number one up in here.
We the best, of the best, of the best, of the best.
Oh! Don't never let nobody tell you different.
Oh.
Failure is not an option.
We gonna show that we're the best that ever was.
Whoo! This is our time.
This is our moment.
Ah.
We can't let nobody take this away from us.
We a team, y'all.
We got to do this together.
Okay.
I ain't never had no family like this, y'all.
Y'all's my family.
Y'all my brothers forever.
You know I got your back, y'all! And I know y'all got mine.
Whoa! We taking this all the way to the Super Bowl, y'all.
This is our year.
That's right.
This is our destiny.
What? Let's keep doing like we been all season.
If we do what we was trained to do Can't nobody stop us.
We can do anything we set our minds to.
Play this game like it's the last game of your lives.
Crazy crazy Does is crazy Make up for adjustment You jammin' on the verse First one's planned that you want to do All I want But I don't need you Hmm.
You know, let me ask you a question.
Sure.
When you fart Mmm-hmm.
Why don't we just call that a butt queef? You know what I mean? Instead of calling And then, you know, the sound that comes out of - There was a - The vagina, why would we not Forty-five minute silence.
And then that's the first question? I just wanted to know.
Where do we get that word from? How's that gotten past everybody? Okay.
This is beyond the pale, sir.
- Hillary.
- Mr.
President.
It's always good to see you.
I pretended to like you for seven years.
You remember my anger translator, Luther.
Good to see you, too, Mr.
President.
My hatred for you is a pure force of nature that is gonna move me onward to my destiny.
And this is my anger translator, Savannah.
I trust you've been busy.
Bet your arms are tired from stabbing me in the back on the campaign trail.
Saying you don't like my foreign policy? What the fuck, woman? You wrote the damn policy! Shit.
Well, you know how it is to campaign for President.
You know how this shit works.
You do whatever you got to do to get your ass elected.
And right now, you are the dead skunk I got to step over.
Should be smooth sailing to the nominations.
Even you couldn't fuck it up against these assholes.
Well, it's too early to say, of course.
I got this job locked down.
Unless something terrible happens, like you campaigning for me.
Oh, that's b Mmm.
Oh, I got a feeling that come 2016, you and Bill will be back in the White House.
Yeah, you're gonna be busy as fuck doing all the work 'cause I know you're gonna fire them interns.
What? Well, I appreciate having you as an ally, of course.
Eight years ago I had a lock on this job, until you showed up out of nowhere.
- Mmm.
- And you stole it from me.
When you knew damn well it was my turn.
You think I ate all that shit, standing there smiling next to my pussy-hound husband, so I could turn around and become Secretary of State? Guess again, motherfucker.
You got my job and I'm gonna get it back.
And it's not gonna be easy because you screwed the pooch six ways to Sunday.
Folks just as soon vote for a skinned possum as a Democrat.
But that's okay.
Because I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna win this fucking election.
And I am gonna bury you and every goddamn man who ever stood in my way.
- Savannah, take it down a bit.
- And 2016 is gonna Uh, what is wrong with you, girl? You are embarrassing the future President of the United States of America.
Have a little class.
It's always good to speak with you, Hillary.
You a nasty-ass bitch.
Nice to talk to you, Barack.
Fuck you, dream-stealer.
Damn, some people's just too angry.
I was I was on the train one time and there was a dude.
He was drunk.
And my man was Man, put your arm here.
He's, like, like this next to me.
My man was like this.
- My man was going - What? Eww! Eww! And eventually, I was like, "Hey, man.
" - No.
Talking about "eventually.
" - No, you know me.
Like, that That's hard for me.
- "Hey, man.
" - "Hey, man.
" And he was like, "Rah, rah, rah.
" "You've been tiddling my arm for the last half hour.
" "Quit tiddling, man.
" - "Quit tiddling already.
" - "Ain't nobody asked you.
" "Twenty minutes is one thing, but half hour?" "I'ma give you, I'ma give you, hey "I'ma give you 20 minutes to stop that.
" "Twenty minutes max.
" That was really creepy.
Oh, yeah.
Yo.
Hey, yo.
Hey, yo.
Yo, yo.
Excuse Excuse me? Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
I'll tell you one thing, if 9/11st were to happen up on this here plane, psst, don't worry.
We got this.
Oh.
Okay, I have no idea what you're talking about.
He said that if them terries is gonna try something up in here today, like the bounce, boogie, and bump, that we got this shit on lock.
Terr Do you mean terrorists? - Oh, yeah.
- Hell, yeah, baby.
He ain't talking about Teri Garr.
And I certainly ain't talking about no terry cloth.
I mean, if a terry up on this plane, even thinking about trying to do something, we goin' draxx him up.
You're gonna You're gonna what? We're gonna draxxs them sklounst.
I think what my partner's trying to say is if any terries come up in here - We goin' get our berger on.
- Yeah.
Did something happen, or did I miss something? Is this hypothetical, or Oh, we're gonna definitely drop some hypotheticals on that terry's clavicle, 'cause I'm talking 'bout Don't you just wish so? - Don't you just wish in your heart of hearts? - Oh, yeah.
Some terry would come up in here, trying some grab-ass, and the touchy-feely? That's the opposite of what I want to have happen on a plane.
Okay.
That's unfortunate.
Conference.
This was unexpected.
It certainly was.
I'm thrown right now as to who's gonna be our comrade.
- I can still hear you.
- He doesn't have the heart, nor the gumption.
You're literally right next to me, so On three, break.
Three.
Yoo-hoo.
I got an idea, feel free to say no, but can we switch seats? I will not take no for an answer.
Why? That's the combat seat, Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
If you gonna be in the combat seat then you gots to be willing to blast up on some terries.
Because with great power come great responsitrillitrust.
Okay.
I just I just wanted some legroom.
Um Okay, max legroom.
You get yours.
Meanwhile, I'm goin' go Hayden Pantinerry on some terries.
Especially when they get froggy.
Ribbit, ribbit.
- Yeah.
- Um You goin' have to be ready to kidnap a terry.
- I don't - You goin' have to be ready to torture a terry.
I don't think that's necessary.
Absolutely, you have to fireboard those motherjammers.
I don't even understand what that means.
Do you trust me? No.
I'll take that as a yes.
Okay.
Trust.
These terries come up in here trying to act froggy.
Whoo! Then we goin' give them the rainbow connection.
Here, froggy, froggy, froggy, froggy.
Is that a box cutter? Oh, you best believe it, baby.
We gonna be eatin' like Diane Keaton.
Shifax.
Perfectly leg-well.
And if those don't work, you know I'm working up that plan B, brother.
- You have a gun? - Hell, yeah.
They can't detect these mamajamas.
They have a They have a weap They have They They have a weapon! They have a weapon! These guys got a weapon.
Oh, God! Where you at terry? Everybody relax.
We takin' control of this plane.
No, wait a minute, I'm not with them.
The guy on the right is the ringleader.
Aw.
I don't know them.
I don't know them.
I don't know those guys.
I'm on vacation.
Draxx.
Them.
Sklounst.
I think of myself as a male feminist.
- Do you now? Mmm-hmm.
- Okay? But this is so But does that mean, like, if a girl comes over and she's just, boom! She just got like, poof, poof.
Looking like she's hiding a couple of aardvarks back there.
I'm not supposed to look? Aardvarks? You know, just, pow, pow, pow! No, wait a second.
Looking like she's dealing some sauce.
I'm just trying to get over "aardvarks.
" Well, what is What is the sexiest animal - that you would compare to female anatomy? - I would just use a completely A completely different object in the world.
Not even an animal.
Just, like, two Two grapefruits.
Two grapefruit, dude, what you talking 'bout grapefruits? Listen, we're doing it.
We're objectifying women right now as we're doing it.
- Are we? - Oh, my God.
I once met a lass so fine She was drunk on barley wine I'd been to sea for months a three I knew I could make her mine And the lass was past consent So it was off with her we went And we threw her in bed and rested her head And we left 'cause that's what gentlemen do A woman has a right to a drink or two Without worrying about what you will do We say, "Yo-ho" But we don't say, "Ho" 'Cause, "Ho" is disrespectful, yo There once was a girl from Leeds Who I heard was good on her knees So I docked my ship for an overnight trip To take care of all my needs She was fine as the tales did tell And my mast began to swell So I laid her down and raised her gown And performed cunnilingus for an hour or so Always take care of your lady fair 'Cause they deserve as much attention down there We say, "Yo-ho!" But we don't say, "Ho" 'Cause, "Ho" is disrespectful, yo I once had a woman so fair Whose womb contained my heir With a son by my side the seas we'd ride The child she would bear But my girl she was no fool She was working her way through school So I did support when she chose to abort Because it's her body and therefore her choice No, we don't say, "Booty" Unless we're talking 'bout gold We don't look at chests unless there treasure holds With a hat and a feather And a cutlass on our hip We don't ever say, "She" When we're talkin' about a ship We don't say, "Bitch" and we don't say, "Whore" 'Cause that language leads to things like body dysmorphia There was a lady with a golden eye And the doctor said she would die So she emptied her purse to lift the curse And prayed to stay alive She awoke the very next day And in her grave she lay But the scariest part of the story from the start Is I bet you assumed the doctor was a man I am so Women are doctors, too And for a fraction of doubloons We say, "Yo-ho" But we don't say, "Ho" 'Cause, "Ho" is disrespectful, yo There was a slut with tits to here And an ass like 'Cause it's, "Yo-ho!" But we don't say, "Ho" 'Cause, "Ho" is Disrespectful, yo This is 288, I'm investigating the report of a disturbance.
Roger that, 288.
Freeze! Huh, because I got a popsicle, you think Gun! Oh, rats.
Whoa.
Watch out! That black guy's got a gun and he's gonna steal your banana! What? Go.
Go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go go, go, go, go.
Come on.
Sir! You're gonna have to leave the area.
There's been a disturbance.
Go.
For your safety, sir.
Go now.
Please.
Okay.
Go, go, go.
Get going.
Big fuzzy gun! I mean, it's like, it was like, you know, a holiday for people having guns.
God damn it! Mayor's on a warpath.
Who's responsible for this mess? I'm sorry, Chief.
It was me.
Gun! God damn it! Coffee cup.
It's my bad.
Anyway, the last seven came out of nowhere.
If you need to pee, let me pull over and you can pee in this enormous sandbox.
I just don't want you to stop.
Let's go, we're on the way.
But look where you're aiming.
You haven't seen one Oops! "Oops"? What? What's the oops? What was the oop? I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.
And if them terries come up in here, we would stwack it and quack it.
Okay.
I feel like y'all are very excited.
- Yeah.
- Um, I actu
- Hold on.
Listen up.
Listen up.
- Yeah.
Come on, man.
Y'all ready for this? Yeah! That's right, y'all.
'Cause you know what? We only get one chance.
Let's leave it all on the field today.
Hell, yeah.
We gonna give 'em something they can remember.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do this.
Ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We unstoppable! Yeah! But this is what we worked for, y'all.
It's time to handle our business.
Oh, we're number one up in here.
We the best, of the best, of the best, of the best.
Oh! Don't never let nobody tell you different.
Oh.
Failure is not an option.
We gonna show that we're the best that ever was.
Whoo! This is our time.
This is our moment.
Ah.
We can't let nobody take this away from us.
We a team, y'all.
We got to do this together.
Okay.
I ain't never had no family like this, y'all.
Y'all's my family.
Y'all my brothers forever.
You know I got your back, y'all! And I know y'all got mine.
Whoa! We taking this all the way to the Super Bowl, y'all.
This is our year.
That's right.
This is our destiny.
What? Let's keep doing like we been all season.
If we do what we was trained to do Can't nobody stop us.
We can do anything we set our minds to.
Play this game like it's the last game of your lives.
Crazy crazy Does is crazy Make up for adjustment You jammin' on the verse First one's planned that you want to do All I want But I don't need you Hmm.
You know, let me ask you a question.
Sure.
When you fart Mmm-hmm.
Why don't we just call that a butt queef? You know what I mean? Instead of calling And then, you know, the sound that comes out of - There was a - The vagina, why would we not Forty-five minute silence.
And then that's the first question? I just wanted to know.
Where do we get that word from? How's that gotten past everybody? Okay.
This is beyond the pale, sir.
- Hillary.
- Mr.
President.
It's always good to see you.
I pretended to like you for seven years.
You remember my anger translator, Luther.
Good to see you, too, Mr.
President.
My hatred for you is a pure force of nature that is gonna move me onward to my destiny.
And this is my anger translator, Savannah.
I trust you've been busy.
Bet your arms are tired from stabbing me in the back on the campaign trail.
Saying you don't like my foreign policy? What the fuck, woman? You wrote the damn policy! Shit.
Well, you know how it is to campaign for President.
You know how this shit works.
You do whatever you got to do to get your ass elected.
And right now, you are the dead skunk I got to step over.
Should be smooth sailing to the nominations.
Even you couldn't fuck it up against these assholes.
Well, it's too early to say, of course.
I got this job locked down.
Unless something terrible happens, like you campaigning for me.
Oh, that's b Mmm.
Oh, I got a feeling that come 2016, you and Bill will be back in the White House.
Yeah, you're gonna be busy as fuck doing all the work 'cause I know you're gonna fire them interns.
What? Well, I appreciate having you as an ally, of course.
Eight years ago I had a lock on this job, until you showed up out of nowhere.
- Mmm.
- And you stole it from me.
When you knew damn well it was my turn.
You think I ate all that shit, standing there smiling next to my pussy-hound husband, so I could turn around and become Secretary of State? Guess again, motherfucker.
You got my job and I'm gonna get it back.
And it's not gonna be easy because you screwed the pooch six ways to Sunday.
Folks just as soon vote for a skinned possum as a Democrat.
But that's okay.
Because I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna win this fucking election.
And I am gonna bury you and every goddamn man who ever stood in my way.
- Savannah, take it down a bit.
- And 2016 is gonna Uh, what is wrong with you, girl? You are embarrassing the future President of the United States of America.
Have a little class.
It's always good to speak with you, Hillary.
You a nasty-ass bitch.
Nice to talk to you, Barack.
Fuck you, dream-stealer.
Damn, some people's just too angry.
I was I was on the train one time and there was a dude.
He was drunk.
And my man was Man, put your arm here.
He's, like, like this next to me.
My man was like this.
- My man was going - What? Eww! Eww! And eventually, I was like, "Hey, man.
" - No.
Talking about "eventually.
" - No, you know me.
Like, that That's hard for me.
- "Hey, man.
" - "Hey, man.
" And he was like, "Rah, rah, rah.
" "You've been tiddling my arm for the last half hour.
" "Quit tiddling, man.
" - "Quit tiddling already.
" - "Ain't nobody asked you.
" "Twenty minutes is one thing, but half hour?" "I'ma give you, I'ma give you, hey "I'ma give you 20 minutes to stop that.
" "Twenty minutes max.
" That was really creepy.
Oh, yeah.
Yo.
Hey, yo.
Hey, yo.
Yo, yo.
Excuse Excuse me? Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
I'll tell you one thing, if 9/11st were to happen up on this here plane, psst, don't worry.
We got this.
Oh.
Okay, I have no idea what you're talking about.
He said that if them terries is gonna try something up in here today, like the bounce, boogie, and bump, that we got this shit on lock.
Terr Do you mean terrorists? - Oh, yeah.
- Hell, yeah, baby.
He ain't talking about Teri Garr.
And I certainly ain't talking about no terry cloth.
I mean, if a terry up on this plane, even thinking about trying to do something, we goin' draxx him up.
You're gonna You're gonna what? We're gonna draxxs them sklounst.
I think what my partner's trying to say is if any terries come up in here - We goin' get our berger on.
- Yeah.
Did something happen, or did I miss something? Is this hypothetical, or Oh, we're gonna definitely drop some hypotheticals on that terry's clavicle, 'cause I'm talking 'bout Don't you just wish so? - Don't you just wish in your heart of hearts? - Oh, yeah.
Some terry would come up in here, trying some grab-ass, and the touchy-feely? That's the opposite of what I want to have happen on a plane.
Okay.
That's unfortunate.
Conference.
This was unexpected.
It certainly was.
I'm thrown right now as to who's gonna be our comrade.
- I can still hear you.
- He doesn't have the heart, nor the gumption.
You're literally right next to me, so On three, break.
Three.
Yoo-hoo.
I got an idea, feel free to say no, but can we switch seats? I will not take no for an answer.
Why? That's the combat seat, Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
If you gonna be in the combat seat then you gots to be willing to blast up on some terries.
Because with great power come great responsitrillitrust.
Okay.
I just I just wanted some legroom.
Um Okay, max legroom.
You get yours.
Meanwhile, I'm goin' go Hayden Pantinerry on some terries.
Especially when they get froggy.
Ribbit, ribbit.
- Yeah.
- Um You goin' have to be ready to kidnap a terry.
- I don't - You goin' have to be ready to torture a terry.
I don't think that's necessary.
Absolutely, you have to fireboard those motherjammers.
I don't even understand what that means.
Do you trust me? No.
I'll take that as a yes.
Okay.
Trust.
These terries come up in here trying to act froggy.
Whoo! Then we goin' give them the rainbow connection.
Here, froggy, froggy, froggy, froggy.
Is that a box cutter? Oh, you best believe it, baby.
We gonna be eatin' like Diane Keaton.
Shifax.
Perfectly leg-well.
And if those don't work, you know I'm working up that plan B, brother.
- You have a gun? - Hell, yeah.
They can't detect these mamajamas.
They have a They have a weap They have They They have a weapon! They have a weapon! These guys got a weapon.
Oh, God! Where you at terry? Everybody relax.
We takin' control of this plane.
No, wait a minute, I'm not with them.
The guy on the right is the ringleader.
Aw.
I don't know them.
I don't know them.
I don't know those guys.
I'm on vacation.
Draxx.
Them.
Sklounst.
I think of myself as a male feminist.
- Do you now? Mmm-hmm.
- Okay? But this is so But does that mean, like, if a girl comes over and she's just, boom! She just got like, poof, poof.
Looking like she's hiding a couple of aardvarks back there.
I'm not supposed to look? Aardvarks? You know, just, pow, pow, pow! No, wait a second.
Looking like she's dealing some sauce.
I'm just trying to get over "aardvarks.
" Well, what is What is the sexiest animal - that you would compare to female anatomy? - I would just use a completely A completely different object in the world.
Not even an animal.
Just, like, two Two grapefruits.
Two grapefruit, dude, what you talking 'bout grapefruits? Listen, we're doing it.
We're objectifying women right now as we're doing it.
- Are we? - Oh, my God.
I once met a lass so fine She was drunk on barley wine I'd been to sea for months a three I knew I could make her mine And the lass was past consent So it was off with her we went And we threw her in bed and rested her head And we left 'cause that's what gentlemen do A woman has a right to a drink or two Without worrying about what you will do We say, "Yo-ho" But we don't say, "Ho" 'Cause, "Ho" is disrespectful, yo There once was a girl from Leeds Who I heard was good on her knees So I docked my ship for an overnight trip To take care of all my needs She was fine as the tales did tell And my mast began to swell So I laid her down and raised her gown And performed cunnilingus for an hour or so Always take care of your lady fair 'Cause they deserve as much attention down there We say, "Yo-ho!" But we don't say, "Ho" 'Cause, "Ho" is disrespectful, yo I once had a woman so fair Whose womb contained my heir With a son by my side the seas we'd ride The child she would bear But my girl she was no fool She was working her way through school So I did support when she chose to abort Because it's her body and therefore her choice No, we don't say, "Booty" Unless we're talking 'bout gold We don't look at chests unless there treasure holds With a hat and a feather And a cutlass on our hip We don't ever say, "She" When we're talkin' about a ship We don't say, "Bitch" and we don't say, "Whore" 'Cause that language leads to things like body dysmorphia There was a lady with a golden eye And the doctor said she would die So she emptied her purse to lift the curse And prayed to stay alive She awoke the very next day And in her grave she lay But the scariest part of the story from the start Is I bet you assumed the doctor was a man I am so Women are doctors, too And for a fraction of doubloons We say, "Yo-ho" But we don't say, "Ho" 'Cause, "Ho" is disrespectful, yo There was a slut with tits to here And an ass like 'Cause it's, "Yo-ho!" But we don't say, "Ho" 'Cause, "Ho" is Disrespectful, yo This is 288, I'm investigating the report of a disturbance.
Roger that, 288.
Freeze! Huh, because I got a popsicle, you think Gun! Oh, rats.
Whoa.
Watch out! That black guy's got a gun and he's gonna steal your banana! What? Go.
Go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go go, go, go, go.
Come on.
Sir! You're gonna have to leave the area.
There's been a disturbance.
Go.
For your safety, sir.
Go now.
Please.
Okay.
Go, go, go.
Get going.
Big fuzzy gun! I mean, it's like, it was like, you know, a holiday for people having guns.
God damn it! Mayor's on a warpath.
Who's responsible for this mess? I'm sorry, Chief.
It was me.
Gun! God damn it! Coffee cup.
It's my bad.
Anyway, the last seven came out of nowhere.
If you need to pee, let me pull over and you can pee in this enormous sandbox.
I just don't want you to stop.
Let's go, we're on the way.
But look where you're aiming.
You haven't seen one Oops! "Oops"? What? What's the oops? What was the oop? I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.
And if them terries come up in here, we would stwack it and quack it.
Okay.
I feel like y'all are very excited.
- Yeah.
- Um, I actu