Live at The Apollo (2004) s05e01 Episode Script
Jason Manford, Michael McIntyre
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight Jason Manford! AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES Hello.
Hello, how are you? AUDIENCE CHEERS Lovely, here we are.
Hammersmith Apollo.
Live at the Apollo.
Yeah.
AUDIENCE CHEERS That's right.
Fancy London, the capital and that.
Oh, yeah.
Like coming down here.
Who's from London? Give us a cheer.
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES Quite a few.
Quite a few.
That was probably the longest conversation you've ever had with a stranger! They just don't like chatting.
I was at Euston the other week, there was a fella reading a book, I'd seen this book in WH Smith, I quite fancied it.
So I wandered over, I went, "All right, mate? Is that book any good, "cos I've been thinking about getting it.
" Now, in Manchester, that wouldn't be a weird thing to do, OK.
I mean, it would be weird if a bloke was reading, you know, like in public, you know.
I was like, "Is that any good that book?" He looked at me like I'd gone, "All right, mate, can I have a little tickle of your bollocks?" What? I just, "What about if I just hold them till the train comes, is that all right?" What? Well then! And you're very impatient down here, very impatient.
I mean I was on that underground tram network that you've got, right.
Or as in the North we like to call it "witchcraft".
It's not natural.
It's not natural.
Weird.
Don't trust it.
I was down there, I was running for a tram, I'm going to call it a tram.
I was running in the tube and this fella sprinted past me, dead fast, satchel hit me in the head, and he was running for the tube, and the doors closed and he went mental, like proper like, "Oh, my God! I can't believe it, I've just missed it.
I'm going to be late for work! "This has ruined my day! Oh, here's one.
" That's right.
There's one every two bloody minutes.
I've been doing telly a little while, and there's some things that you notice.
Recently, about three times, I've been recognised in the street.
It's well exciting.
In Manchester, the first time it happened, this bloke crossed the road to meet me.
He goes, are you Jason Manford? I was well chuffed.
I was in front of a few of me friends, "Yes, I am.
Yes.
" He went, "Oh, I work with your dad.
" LAUGHTER No need for that, is it? So here we are, we've got some celebs in as well.
Give a cheer for the celebrities.
AUDIENCE CHEERS There they are.
Who have we got here? We've got Sophie from Big Brother.
Hello.
Not too bad at all.
Yes, a little cheer there from people who remember Big Brother.
Is it weird now, walking around without that Geordie bloke doing the voiceover? Because that's what I imagine I would miss the most.
Even now.
"Sophie is sat at the Hammersmith Apollo.
"Jason is on stage trying not to look at Sophie's boobs.
"And failing.
" Jessica-Jane Clement on the back there from The Real Hustle.
That's a top show.
We love that.
Hello there.
I tell you what, Jessica, I think it must be hard for any bloke to chat you up in a pub.
I mean, you're a lovely girl, of course, but that must be hard for someone to go, "I think I've seen you on the telly.
Can I buy you a drink?" "Yeah, let me just put a piece of paper over that pint glass.
"Two-pound coin.
Let me get two straws.
" "Forget it! I can't be arsed.
" We've got Lee Dixon.
Hello, Lee Dixon.
Arsenal legend.
CHEERING A Manchester City fan, of course, Lee Dixon, like myself.
And he went to the same school as my dad.
He never should What's that? I'm not the same age as your dad.
You're not the same age as my dad.
He left about ten years before you joined but he still taught you everything you know.
"Oh yeah, old Dicko, oh yeah.
" Never met you, never met you, but you're best mates.
He never shuts up about it.
My dad, not Lee.
Lee's never mentioned it, to be honest.
You've gone into punditry, Lee, rather than coach? You didn't fancy being a football manager? Not at all.
No.
Fair enough.
There's a lot of stress.
I know, I've been playing Football Manager for about 15 years.
It's a tough game, honestly, that is a tough game.
Have we got Football Manager fans in? CHEERING You single lads knocking about it's not a It's not a game that keeps a relationship together, is it, that? My wife hates it.
Sometimes I wait for her to drop off, I'll get my laptop out, I'll have a little game.
She'll wake up, "What are you doing?" "Just looking at porn.
" She hates it that much, it's horrible.
She's like, "It's not even a proper game, it just clicking.
" I'm like, "It's tactics, tactics.
"Man management and everything.
" You know what I mean.
I probably shouldn't wear a suit.
That's probably too far.
Stencil my initials into my pyjamas.
Do press conferences in the bathroom.
That's too far.
It takes over your life, that game.
I love it because I was on a train a little while ago, it was all packed, so I started having a game on my laptop.
And I was Manchester City, I was playing Manchester United.
It was a big game, I was 2-0 up.
Got to the 89th minute, 2-1, they got one back.
92nd minute, 2-2.
OK? 97th minute, they won 3-2.
OK, it's very realistic.
They 3-2, OK? Final whistle goes.
The bloke sat next to me turned around, he went, "Ye-e-eah!" It's like, "It's my game, you knobhead.
" "I've not even saved it.
Ha!" It takes over you.
I did a gig at Manchester City and I met a load of the players and it was well exciting.
It was last year, it was Robinho, Richard Dunne.
I met Micah Richards, the defender, and I was a bit rude to him, OK.
I was like, "All right, yeah.
Not bothered.
" My dad, who was with me, went "You were rude to Micah Richards.
" I says, "I don't know why.
" It was only when I got home I realised.
On Football Manager, he turned up late for training a couple of times.
That's sad, innit? Oh! All right, Billy Big Bollocks, turn up when you want, will you? Exciting news - I've recently become a dad.
Ten weeks ago my wife gave birth.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah.
Thank you.
That's right.
My wife gave birth to two little girls.
Two little girls.
And excited.
It's exciting.
The hardest thing with twins, of course, is picking your favourite.
You know, that's the hardest thing.
I go for the one that's not crying, a lot of the time.
No, the hardest thing is the lack of sleep.
That's what everyone says.
I've been getting three, four hours sleep a night, so has my wife.
And, I mean, famously, of course, Margaret Thatcher she got by on four hours' sleep a night.
And that sort of goes some way to explaining why she was a proper, miserable bitch.
Right.
Because Honestly, right CHEERING Exactly, I mean I sometimes wake up after four hours' sleep and want to close a couple of mines, you know what I mean? That's how angry I am.
Take milk off children.
Give it here! The one time you know you're not getting enough sleep, right, there's two times it happens, one time is when you look in the mirror and you can see what you're going to look like in 15 years' time.
You're not getting enough sleep! The other time is when you hear one of the most beautiful sounds in nature, birdsong, OK, at half-past four, 5.
00 am in the morning, and all you can think of is Shut up! Shut your little beaking mouth! You little feathery bastards! That's when you need to have a lie-in at some point.
Someone needs to come and relieve you.
One of the things I found amazing while my wife was pregnant, and, not amazing, that sounds bad - is how much you actually fancy her while she's pregnant.
OK.
It's phenomenal, it just strikes blokes.
You see your wife, I saw my wife, I think, "Phwoar!" Yeah.
"Oo-oo-arr!" Mainly because her boobs go massive, right.
LAUGHTER That's convinced me that God is a woman, because only a female would make those boobs the best looking they've ever been, yet too sensitive to do anything with.
You forget yourself sometimes, as well.
I forget myself.
I remember, come in one night, it was 2.
00am.
I got into bed.
I had to be up at seven.
And my wife was out here, like just before she popped, and she turned over, in the night Beep, beep, beep.
And she she nudged me awake, complete mistake, but I forgot for a second, I just forgot myself, and I woke up, I went, "Argh! That's so frustrating!" And she was up straight, bolt upright, over me.
Eyes red in the darkness.
"Oh!" "Frustrating, is it?" Luckily I had my wits about me, I went, "Just frustrating not being able to help you.
" I don't know where it came from, but I got away with it.
I'm enjoying being a dad.
There's obviously stuff I'm going to have to learn.
You know, stuff that nobody teaches you.
Even little things, like how to wrap a baby up in a blanket.
Nobody teaches you that.
You know, we're not good at wrapping, you've seen us at Christmas.
You know what I mean.
All presents are 40% Sellotape, aren't they? And you're not allowed to use tape on a baby.
It's out of order.
OK? The blanket's hard.
Nobody teaches you.
You wrap it, you think, "That seems all right.
That's fine.
" Pick it up, blanket's still there.
How's this happening? My brother rang me.
He says, "Are you having trouble with the blanket?" I went, "How did you know?" He says, "I had the same thing.
" Good tip - it's a lot like doing a fajita.
Hey! He's bang on as well, isn't he? Ba da-da-da, da-da-da-da da-da-da-da.
Guacamole, salsa, there's the lot.
A bit of Sudocrem.
But I look at my dad, and my dad's got to a point now where nobody polices anything that he says or does.
And I can't wait to get to that point.
He's allowed to insult anybody and everyone just goes, "Huh! What are you like?" You know, that's the point that I want to get to.
My brother's just finished college.
He's looking forward to the life that he's got in the future.
He's thinking about going to Australia, OK, for a year out, OK.
My dad, he goes, "What you want to do that for?" He says, "I just, you know, I just want to find myself.
" My dad says, "What if you find him and he's a knobhead as well?" No repercussions.
He's allowed to do that.
We're on a flight back from Spain last year.
The Tannoy, right, the woman comes over the Tannoy, she says, "Can all passengers be aware, "we won't be serving peanuts on this flight "because there's somebody on the flight with such a severe allergy "that if it gets into the air-conditioning, they will be really ill.
" 25 minutes into the flight, I turn around, my dad Eating a pack of peanuts he smuggled on board, himself.
I said, "Dad, what you doing?" He went, "I'm starving.
" I said, somebody's really ill.
He says, "Unless it's the pilot, I don't give a shit!" They can do what they want.
Ladies and gentlemen, this next act is a big mate of mine, I've known him since we were doing little clubs in the middle of nowhere.
He's performing to half a million people this year, all over the country, unless you're from the Tax, then it's just 12.
OK.
Please welcome Michael McIntyre! Lovely.
Bravo! Hello, good evening! Thank you.
Hello, Hammersmith.
I'm going to refer to you as Hammersmith.
Where's Lee Dixon? CHEERING I follow a bit of football.
I was watching Sky Sports News today, there's a football manager, he's called Alan Knill.
He's the manager of Bury or something.
Knill is his surname.
K-N-I-L-L.
What a great name if you're involved in football.
If he has a son and doesn't call him "Juan" he's missed a major opportunity for comedy.
Don't you think? This is my eldest, "Juan Knill".
I did that.
MICHAEL LAUGHS But I've got Sky TV now, which is excellent.
You can pause live TV.
There are people at home now who can just pause it, and it's a perfect pause.
Not the old, sort of, 1980s VHS pause.
That was a very different story.
LAUGHTER You couldn't even see what you were watching in 1980s pause.
People who weren't moving would start moving.
He wasn't even moving in this scene.
People in paintings would come to life.
"I'm in a painting!" But then once you pause, it's quite exciting cos you can watch it back in x2, x6, x12, x30, which makes boring programmes quite entertaining.
Like in the tennis, you can forward the changeovers, watching Andy Murray eating a banana in x12 is quite exciting.
I watched Deal Or No Deal in x30.
It really whizzes along.
I watch all TV.
I watch TV just to slag it off.
The Dragons' Den winds me right up.
I know you're rich, Dragons, you don't need to bring your cash with you! They sit there, with cash on their tables.
"I'm so tremendously wealthy.
Oh, my bank accounts are full.
"I've had to bring additional funds with me tonight.
" "What about you, Theo Paphitis, have you got money on your table? "Oh, I'm completely loaded.
I've thrown money up onto my table.
" "What about you two Dragons?" "We've got a lot of cash.
" "All right, bring in the first poor person, let's see what they've got.
" They come in, trembling.
"Hello, Dragons.
"Please can I have some cash "for the ideas in my brain.
" "I feel sick just looking at poor people.
" "The state of her clothing.
"For that reason, I'm out.
What about you, Theo Paphitis, are you out?" "I will be out, but I'm going to humiliate the bitch for 15 minutes.
"Then I will declare, that I too am out.
" I'd like to go on Dragons' Den.
With a shotgun.
Just stand there, pointing it at each of them, individually, till one of them goes, "What's your idea?" "Put that cash in this bag.
" You get no equity.
I like some TV.
I watch it till the bitter end, literally like the early hours, till the signing zone, the deaf zone.
That's when you know it's probably time for bed, you know.
When there's somebody in the corner, signing.
You feel a bit like, "This isn't really for me.
" They almost look at you like, "You could have watched this in the day, it's probably bedtime for you.
"Deaf people have been asleep all day to stay up for this, have some respect.
" I like it when there's no dialogue and they watch TV with you! I was watching the Blue Planet, this is a show with David Attenborough, where they discover creatures from the ocean, for the first time.
Fish that were only just discovered and they were naming them on the show.
So he was going, "Here we have the newly-discovered 'diplanotinikoffs'".
And the signing guy was going LAUGHTER He resorted to impersonating the fish.
Looks hilarious.
The fish was swimming, he was underneath going This is the third time I've done this show and, let's be honest, as they pop up on television, you can know which year it is by how much weight I've gained.
I can only imagine a few years when we will see the "O".
Erm, I've tried! I've tried to lose weight.
I've tried to get fit.
I've tried everything.
I got a Nintendo Wii.
They said that was good.
I got the tennis game.
You play it in the living room and you literally run around playing tennis.
Ungh! I tend to grunt.
Ungh! I'm quite unfit.
Even in chess.
Ungh! After a while you realise you're just as good, if not better, lying on the sofa, eating a hamburger, doing that.
If there's an area of my body that doesn't require a workout, it's going to be the wrist, I have to be honest with you.
It's been practising religiously for some years now.
Isn't it amazing how many sports just require your wrist.
Darts.
Badminton.
And snooker.
Although I can't play snooker any more, ever since somebody told me it's like tossing off a man behind you.
That sort of LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE MICHAEL LAUGHS Talk about ruining a sport in one sentence.
MICHAEL CHUCKLES I bought a Hoover from Comet.
I felt the need to try the Hoover outin the shop.
Comet is a place that sells electricals.
Everything in the shop needs to be plugged in, but nothing is actually plugged in in the shop.
So it's filled with people trying things out not for their primary function.
People are buying fridges on the strength that it opens and it closes.
And it's silver.
I was buying a Hoover and I felt the need to hoover up the shop a bit.
It wasn't plugged in.
I just wanted to feel the weight of it.
I went down the aisle.
Somebody else was trying their Hoover and hoovered past me.
"Hello.
Good Hoover.
" That's my hoovering technique, I walk with my Hoover.
There are two distinctive styles of hoovering.
either you hoover like me, where you walk with your Hoover.
MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER Then when you reach the end you hoover round, follow in behind.
MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER Or you stand your ground and hoover out.
MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER Then pick a new position completely at random.
Hoover out again! I like the Hoover challenge when there's something in the carpet that could ruin your Hoover.
A nail or a paperclip.
You see it, you spot it.
You square up to it.
This could be dangerous for the health of my Hoover.
You know what you should do, you should pick it up and not risk it.
But the excitement of living life on the edge overwhelms you.
MICHAEL IMITATES INTENSE MOTOR POWER Then you wait for the noise.
Tka-tka-tka! Tka-tka-tka! I didn't say anything.
I like it when it's hose time.
You can't get in a nook.
It's time for the hose, get the hose out.
Get the hose, stand up the main Hoover.
Hose time.
Even though you know what a Hoover does, it sucks, it's a vacuum, you feel the need at this moment to hoover yourself.
I don't know why.
You feel the excitement building within you.
HE IMITATES VARIED MOTOR POWER WhoooArgh! Just trying to spice up an otherwise boring day.
So we're drinking tonight? People drinking? Having a drink? CHEERING I drink after the show.
I like a glass of wine.
I like a glass of wine after the show.
A nice glass of wine.
I'm not an expert in the field of wine.
Most of us aren't, let's be honest, but we pretend to be in restaurants.
Very important to keep up the facade in a restaurant, that you all know about wine.
Nobody does.
You know red colour and white colour.
That's pretty much all.
You'll discuss it with your fellow diners, "Bottle of wine? Red? Red? Red? White or red? All right, bottle of red.
" Waiter comes over.
"Can I geev you ze wine list?" He may as well say, "Would you like ze book of gibberish?" "I would.
" Ignore all wording, focus entirely on prices.
"This one.
" You have no idea what you're doing, you picked one at random.
You don't even have the confidence to say it.
"Ooh! I want this one.
" "Ah, a fine choice.
" The waiter knows nothing about wine.
"I have no idea if it's a fine choice.
" Then they show you the bottle, this is an important part of the process.
You have to stop your conversation to stare at a bottle.
Cos it's all part of the bullshit production.
We all have roles within it.
Stare at bottle bit.
It's the only part of the meal they show you the source of where it's coming from.
You don't order a hamburger and they come out with a Polaroid of a cow.
"Zis is a cow.
Is this what you want?" "Yes, it is.
" "Kill it and put it in a bun and then bring it back to me.
" Then they'll open the wine in front of you.
"Who wants to try ze wine?" This is the horrific moment.
Who wants to take the lead role in the bullshit production? Nobody wants to do it.
"I don't want to do it, please, not me, not me.
" Somebody normally gives you up.
"You do it.
" "OK.
I will take the lead part.
" They pour a little bit in, step back wait for your verdict.
You have no idea what you're doing.
Everyone is staring at you.
Some people panic at this moment and just stick their face in it.
I don't know why you need to smell wine before drinking it.
You don't listen to a CD and rub it to your ear before.
Ah! Yes.
That is wine.
Everyone should have some.
It looks like Ribena, but I confirm it tastes winey, like other wines I've had in the past.
I thought you were tasting it to see if you liked it, like a taste test, but apparently it's to see if it's corked, which means it's off.
They're asking you to determine whether it's off or not, and if it's off, they'll give you another bottle.
I'm paying for this.
Why don't you ascertain whether it's off or not and not give it to me if it's off? It's not like you wanted coffee and they come up with the milk, "It smells funny, will you try it?" Cheesy! But you go along with it cos it's the done thing to do.
There's a lot you go along with in restaurants.
A lot of nonsense.
Bread and water? "Like some bread and water for the table?" The table's having a better night than I am.
I can get this in an orphanage.
Bring me actual food, please! But you go along with it, cos you're in a restaurant.
You order your main course.
"Would you like any side orders?" Why would I want satellites of food surrounding the food? Give me food on a plate and I'll put it in my face.
Is it supposed to make you feel like you're eating less? "Yes, I'd like some mashed potato behind me.
Put them behind me.
"Some carrots in a drawer.
"Keep your spinach in the loo, behind the cistern, no one will know.
" "Be careful, plate very hot.
" What a complete nonsense that is.
What you should say is, "Well then, get me one that isn't.
"I don't want to burn myself, I just want lasagne, not jeopardy.
" "Can I, do you mind?" But you just take it.
"OK, I'll be careful not to burn myself when I'm eating.
" My wife, she warned me about it.
"Be careful, it's a hot plate.
Just get the food in your face without touching it.
" Just where would you draw the line? "There are razor blades in the lasagne.
" "OK.
I'll be careful with my brain.
" They always offer you coffee at the end of a meal, regardless of the time of day.
Literally, at dinner, it can be 11:30 at night, bedtime is next for up for you.
"Can I get anyone a coffee?" I mean, this is a nonsense.
If my wife said to me at home, at 11:30 at night, "Would you like a coffee?" I'd go, "Piss off!" "Are you referring to the drink we use to get us out of bed in the morning? "The high-caffeine drink that fuels the rest of the day? "You want me to have that now before bed? Is this some kind of experiment?" In a restaurant, "Yes, I think I'll have a latte.
A latte for me.
"Do you want anything, darling?" "Double espresso for me.
" Three o'clock in the morning, "Are you up?" "Of course I'm up, I'm completely wired!" "I was thinking of going to work! Now! And waiting!" "Can I come?" "Let's run there! Let's RUN there!" CHEERING AND WHISTLING But it doesn't matter what you order, anything, the mainstay of any meal will be salt and pepper.
Salt and pepper have done so tremendously well in the herb and spice arena.
They're our favourites, by a distance.
They just wait on the table, don't they? Arrogantly assuming "Whatever you want to prepare, you're going to need us, "either myself or my dear friend, Pep.
Isn't that right?" "Right you are, Salty.
" But there are other herbs and spices.
Oregano, thyme, rosemary, cumin.
Paprika! They're all lined up in the cupboard in the kitchen at home, waiting.
Sometimes the cupboard door opens, they see Salt and Pepper, "Look at them, the bastards! "What have they got that we don't have? I just don't get it.
"You ever been out of the cupboard, Oregano?" ITALIAN ACCENT: "Once for bolognese in 1988.
"They said it was an experiment, I don't think it worked.
" "What about you, Cumin? You ever been out of the cupboard?" ASIAN ACCENT: "I used to live with them at the roadhouse, and they never took me out of cupboard.
"Then they moved here, put me back in cupboard.
No.
" "What about you, Paprika?" HUNGARIAN ACCENT: "I fell out once.
"They just put me back in.
The wrong way round.
"Seven years, seven years I was like this.
"Every day I would pray.
"I would pray it is goulash day.
"But it is never goulash day.
"I've still got the plastic on my head.
Why did they buy me? I don't understand it.
"What about you on the end? Who are you?" EFFEMINATE VOICE: "My name is Five Spice.
" "You ever been out of the cupboard, Five Spice?" "I'm not just one spice.
"I'm five spice.
I'm five times as good as all of you.
" "Yes, but have you ever been out of the cupboard?" "I have been used in recipes.
For thousands of years.
" "Yes, but have you ever been out of THIS cupboard?" "No.
" NORTHERN ACCENT: "Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, "but the fact is, I've overheard your conversation, it's winding me right up.
"I have been in this cupboard for longer than all of you put together!" "Sorry, who are you?" "John West, Tuna, nice to meet you.
" Ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much indeed.
Good night! Thank you.
Thank you, Apollo! Thank you.
Hey, that was all right, wasn't it? CHEERING AND WHOOPING Ladies and gentlemen, Michael McIntyre! AUDIENCE CHEERS EXCITEDLY God love him.
We'll see you again soon, good night, God bless, I've been Jason Manford.
Bye-bye, thank you.
Hello, how are you? AUDIENCE CHEERS Lovely, here we are.
Hammersmith Apollo.
Live at the Apollo.
Yeah.
AUDIENCE CHEERS That's right.
Fancy London, the capital and that.
Oh, yeah.
Like coming down here.
Who's from London? Give us a cheer.
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES Quite a few.
Quite a few.
That was probably the longest conversation you've ever had with a stranger! They just don't like chatting.
I was at Euston the other week, there was a fella reading a book, I'd seen this book in WH Smith, I quite fancied it.
So I wandered over, I went, "All right, mate? Is that book any good, "cos I've been thinking about getting it.
" Now, in Manchester, that wouldn't be a weird thing to do, OK.
I mean, it would be weird if a bloke was reading, you know, like in public, you know.
I was like, "Is that any good that book?" He looked at me like I'd gone, "All right, mate, can I have a little tickle of your bollocks?" What? I just, "What about if I just hold them till the train comes, is that all right?" What? Well then! And you're very impatient down here, very impatient.
I mean I was on that underground tram network that you've got, right.
Or as in the North we like to call it "witchcraft".
It's not natural.
It's not natural.
Weird.
Don't trust it.
I was down there, I was running for a tram, I'm going to call it a tram.
I was running in the tube and this fella sprinted past me, dead fast, satchel hit me in the head, and he was running for the tube, and the doors closed and he went mental, like proper like, "Oh, my God! I can't believe it, I've just missed it.
I'm going to be late for work! "This has ruined my day! Oh, here's one.
" That's right.
There's one every two bloody minutes.
I've been doing telly a little while, and there's some things that you notice.
Recently, about three times, I've been recognised in the street.
It's well exciting.
In Manchester, the first time it happened, this bloke crossed the road to meet me.
He goes, are you Jason Manford? I was well chuffed.
I was in front of a few of me friends, "Yes, I am.
Yes.
" He went, "Oh, I work with your dad.
" LAUGHTER No need for that, is it? So here we are, we've got some celebs in as well.
Give a cheer for the celebrities.
AUDIENCE CHEERS There they are.
Who have we got here? We've got Sophie from Big Brother.
Hello.
Not too bad at all.
Yes, a little cheer there from people who remember Big Brother.
Is it weird now, walking around without that Geordie bloke doing the voiceover? Because that's what I imagine I would miss the most.
Even now.
"Sophie is sat at the Hammersmith Apollo.
"Jason is on stage trying not to look at Sophie's boobs.
"And failing.
" Jessica-Jane Clement on the back there from The Real Hustle.
That's a top show.
We love that.
Hello there.
I tell you what, Jessica, I think it must be hard for any bloke to chat you up in a pub.
I mean, you're a lovely girl, of course, but that must be hard for someone to go, "I think I've seen you on the telly.
Can I buy you a drink?" "Yeah, let me just put a piece of paper over that pint glass.
"Two-pound coin.
Let me get two straws.
" "Forget it! I can't be arsed.
" We've got Lee Dixon.
Hello, Lee Dixon.
Arsenal legend.
CHEERING A Manchester City fan, of course, Lee Dixon, like myself.
And he went to the same school as my dad.
He never should What's that? I'm not the same age as your dad.
You're not the same age as my dad.
He left about ten years before you joined but he still taught you everything you know.
"Oh yeah, old Dicko, oh yeah.
" Never met you, never met you, but you're best mates.
He never shuts up about it.
My dad, not Lee.
Lee's never mentioned it, to be honest.
You've gone into punditry, Lee, rather than coach? You didn't fancy being a football manager? Not at all.
No.
Fair enough.
There's a lot of stress.
I know, I've been playing Football Manager for about 15 years.
It's a tough game, honestly, that is a tough game.
Have we got Football Manager fans in? CHEERING You single lads knocking about it's not a It's not a game that keeps a relationship together, is it, that? My wife hates it.
Sometimes I wait for her to drop off, I'll get my laptop out, I'll have a little game.
She'll wake up, "What are you doing?" "Just looking at porn.
" She hates it that much, it's horrible.
She's like, "It's not even a proper game, it just clicking.
" I'm like, "It's tactics, tactics.
"Man management and everything.
" You know what I mean.
I probably shouldn't wear a suit.
That's probably too far.
Stencil my initials into my pyjamas.
Do press conferences in the bathroom.
That's too far.
It takes over your life, that game.
I love it because I was on a train a little while ago, it was all packed, so I started having a game on my laptop.
And I was Manchester City, I was playing Manchester United.
It was a big game, I was 2-0 up.
Got to the 89th minute, 2-1, they got one back.
92nd minute, 2-2.
OK? 97th minute, they won 3-2.
OK, it's very realistic.
They 3-2, OK? Final whistle goes.
The bloke sat next to me turned around, he went, "Ye-e-eah!" It's like, "It's my game, you knobhead.
" "I've not even saved it.
Ha!" It takes over you.
I did a gig at Manchester City and I met a load of the players and it was well exciting.
It was last year, it was Robinho, Richard Dunne.
I met Micah Richards, the defender, and I was a bit rude to him, OK.
I was like, "All right, yeah.
Not bothered.
" My dad, who was with me, went "You were rude to Micah Richards.
" I says, "I don't know why.
" It was only when I got home I realised.
On Football Manager, he turned up late for training a couple of times.
That's sad, innit? Oh! All right, Billy Big Bollocks, turn up when you want, will you? Exciting news - I've recently become a dad.
Ten weeks ago my wife gave birth.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah.
Thank you.
That's right.
My wife gave birth to two little girls.
Two little girls.
And excited.
It's exciting.
The hardest thing with twins, of course, is picking your favourite.
You know, that's the hardest thing.
I go for the one that's not crying, a lot of the time.
No, the hardest thing is the lack of sleep.
That's what everyone says.
I've been getting three, four hours sleep a night, so has my wife.
And, I mean, famously, of course, Margaret Thatcher she got by on four hours' sleep a night.
And that sort of goes some way to explaining why she was a proper, miserable bitch.
Right.
Because Honestly, right CHEERING Exactly, I mean I sometimes wake up after four hours' sleep and want to close a couple of mines, you know what I mean? That's how angry I am.
Take milk off children.
Give it here! The one time you know you're not getting enough sleep, right, there's two times it happens, one time is when you look in the mirror and you can see what you're going to look like in 15 years' time.
You're not getting enough sleep! The other time is when you hear one of the most beautiful sounds in nature, birdsong, OK, at half-past four, 5.
00 am in the morning, and all you can think of is Shut up! Shut your little beaking mouth! You little feathery bastards! That's when you need to have a lie-in at some point.
Someone needs to come and relieve you.
One of the things I found amazing while my wife was pregnant, and, not amazing, that sounds bad - is how much you actually fancy her while she's pregnant.
OK.
It's phenomenal, it just strikes blokes.
You see your wife, I saw my wife, I think, "Phwoar!" Yeah.
"Oo-oo-arr!" Mainly because her boobs go massive, right.
LAUGHTER That's convinced me that God is a woman, because only a female would make those boobs the best looking they've ever been, yet too sensitive to do anything with.
You forget yourself sometimes, as well.
I forget myself.
I remember, come in one night, it was 2.
00am.
I got into bed.
I had to be up at seven.
And my wife was out here, like just before she popped, and she turned over, in the night Beep, beep, beep.
And she she nudged me awake, complete mistake, but I forgot for a second, I just forgot myself, and I woke up, I went, "Argh! That's so frustrating!" And she was up straight, bolt upright, over me.
Eyes red in the darkness.
"Oh!" "Frustrating, is it?" Luckily I had my wits about me, I went, "Just frustrating not being able to help you.
" I don't know where it came from, but I got away with it.
I'm enjoying being a dad.
There's obviously stuff I'm going to have to learn.
You know, stuff that nobody teaches you.
Even little things, like how to wrap a baby up in a blanket.
Nobody teaches you that.
You know, we're not good at wrapping, you've seen us at Christmas.
You know what I mean.
All presents are 40% Sellotape, aren't they? And you're not allowed to use tape on a baby.
It's out of order.
OK? The blanket's hard.
Nobody teaches you.
You wrap it, you think, "That seems all right.
That's fine.
" Pick it up, blanket's still there.
How's this happening? My brother rang me.
He says, "Are you having trouble with the blanket?" I went, "How did you know?" He says, "I had the same thing.
" Good tip - it's a lot like doing a fajita.
Hey! He's bang on as well, isn't he? Ba da-da-da, da-da-da-da da-da-da-da.
Guacamole, salsa, there's the lot.
A bit of Sudocrem.
But I look at my dad, and my dad's got to a point now where nobody polices anything that he says or does.
And I can't wait to get to that point.
He's allowed to insult anybody and everyone just goes, "Huh! What are you like?" You know, that's the point that I want to get to.
My brother's just finished college.
He's looking forward to the life that he's got in the future.
He's thinking about going to Australia, OK, for a year out, OK.
My dad, he goes, "What you want to do that for?" He says, "I just, you know, I just want to find myself.
" My dad says, "What if you find him and he's a knobhead as well?" No repercussions.
He's allowed to do that.
We're on a flight back from Spain last year.
The Tannoy, right, the woman comes over the Tannoy, she says, "Can all passengers be aware, "we won't be serving peanuts on this flight "because there's somebody on the flight with such a severe allergy "that if it gets into the air-conditioning, they will be really ill.
" 25 minutes into the flight, I turn around, my dad Eating a pack of peanuts he smuggled on board, himself.
I said, "Dad, what you doing?" He went, "I'm starving.
" I said, somebody's really ill.
He says, "Unless it's the pilot, I don't give a shit!" They can do what they want.
Ladies and gentlemen, this next act is a big mate of mine, I've known him since we were doing little clubs in the middle of nowhere.
He's performing to half a million people this year, all over the country, unless you're from the Tax, then it's just 12.
OK.
Please welcome Michael McIntyre! Lovely.
Bravo! Hello, good evening! Thank you.
Hello, Hammersmith.
I'm going to refer to you as Hammersmith.
Where's Lee Dixon? CHEERING I follow a bit of football.
I was watching Sky Sports News today, there's a football manager, he's called Alan Knill.
He's the manager of Bury or something.
Knill is his surname.
K-N-I-L-L.
What a great name if you're involved in football.
If he has a son and doesn't call him "Juan" he's missed a major opportunity for comedy.
Don't you think? This is my eldest, "Juan Knill".
I did that.
MICHAEL LAUGHS But I've got Sky TV now, which is excellent.
You can pause live TV.
There are people at home now who can just pause it, and it's a perfect pause.
Not the old, sort of, 1980s VHS pause.
That was a very different story.
LAUGHTER You couldn't even see what you were watching in 1980s pause.
People who weren't moving would start moving.
He wasn't even moving in this scene.
People in paintings would come to life.
"I'm in a painting!" But then once you pause, it's quite exciting cos you can watch it back in x2, x6, x12, x30, which makes boring programmes quite entertaining.
Like in the tennis, you can forward the changeovers, watching Andy Murray eating a banana in x12 is quite exciting.
I watched Deal Or No Deal in x30.
It really whizzes along.
I watch all TV.
I watch TV just to slag it off.
The Dragons' Den winds me right up.
I know you're rich, Dragons, you don't need to bring your cash with you! They sit there, with cash on their tables.
"I'm so tremendously wealthy.
Oh, my bank accounts are full.
"I've had to bring additional funds with me tonight.
" "What about you, Theo Paphitis, have you got money on your table? "Oh, I'm completely loaded.
I've thrown money up onto my table.
" "What about you two Dragons?" "We've got a lot of cash.
" "All right, bring in the first poor person, let's see what they've got.
" They come in, trembling.
"Hello, Dragons.
"Please can I have some cash "for the ideas in my brain.
" "I feel sick just looking at poor people.
" "The state of her clothing.
"For that reason, I'm out.
What about you, Theo Paphitis, are you out?" "I will be out, but I'm going to humiliate the bitch for 15 minutes.
"Then I will declare, that I too am out.
" I'd like to go on Dragons' Den.
With a shotgun.
Just stand there, pointing it at each of them, individually, till one of them goes, "What's your idea?" "Put that cash in this bag.
" You get no equity.
I like some TV.
I watch it till the bitter end, literally like the early hours, till the signing zone, the deaf zone.
That's when you know it's probably time for bed, you know.
When there's somebody in the corner, signing.
You feel a bit like, "This isn't really for me.
" They almost look at you like, "You could have watched this in the day, it's probably bedtime for you.
"Deaf people have been asleep all day to stay up for this, have some respect.
" I like it when there's no dialogue and they watch TV with you! I was watching the Blue Planet, this is a show with David Attenborough, where they discover creatures from the ocean, for the first time.
Fish that were only just discovered and they were naming them on the show.
So he was going, "Here we have the newly-discovered 'diplanotinikoffs'".
And the signing guy was going LAUGHTER He resorted to impersonating the fish.
Looks hilarious.
The fish was swimming, he was underneath going This is the third time I've done this show and, let's be honest, as they pop up on television, you can know which year it is by how much weight I've gained.
I can only imagine a few years when we will see the "O".
Erm, I've tried! I've tried to lose weight.
I've tried to get fit.
I've tried everything.
I got a Nintendo Wii.
They said that was good.
I got the tennis game.
You play it in the living room and you literally run around playing tennis.
Ungh! I tend to grunt.
Ungh! I'm quite unfit.
Even in chess.
Ungh! After a while you realise you're just as good, if not better, lying on the sofa, eating a hamburger, doing that.
If there's an area of my body that doesn't require a workout, it's going to be the wrist, I have to be honest with you.
It's been practising religiously for some years now.
Isn't it amazing how many sports just require your wrist.
Darts.
Badminton.
And snooker.
Although I can't play snooker any more, ever since somebody told me it's like tossing off a man behind you.
That sort of LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE MICHAEL LAUGHS Talk about ruining a sport in one sentence.
MICHAEL CHUCKLES I bought a Hoover from Comet.
I felt the need to try the Hoover outin the shop.
Comet is a place that sells electricals.
Everything in the shop needs to be plugged in, but nothing is actually plugged in in the shop.
So it's filled with people trying things out not for their primary function.
People are buying fridges on the strength that it opens and it closes.
And it's silver.
I was buying a Hoover and I felt the need to hoover up the shop a bit.
It wasn't plugged in.
I just wanted to feel the weight of it.
I went down the aisle.
Somebody else was trying their Hoover and hoovered past me.
"Hello.
Good Hoover.
" That's my hoovering technique, I walk with my Hoover.
There are two distinctive styles of hoovering.
either you hoover like me, where you walk with your Hoover.
MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER Then when you reach the end you hoover round, follow in behind.
MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER Or you stand your ground and hoover out.
MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER Then pick a new position completely at random.
Hoover out again! I like the Hoover challenge when there's something in the carpet that could ruin your Hoover.
A nail or a paperclip.
You see it, you spot it.
You square up to it.
This could be dangerous for the health of my Hoover.
You know what you should do, you should pick it up and not risk it.
But the excitement of living life on the edge overwhelms you.
MICHAEL IMITATES INTENSE MOTOR POWER Then you wait for the noise.
Tka-tka-tka! Tka-tka-tka! I didn't say anything.
I like it when it's hose time.
You can't get in a nook.
It's time for the hose, get the hose out.
Get the hose, stand up the main Hoover.
Hose time.
Even though you know what a Hoover does, it sucks, it's a vacuum, you feel the need at this moment to hoover yourself.
I don't know why.
You feel the excitement building within you.
HE IMITATES VARIED MOTOR POWER WhoooArgh! Just trying to spice up an otherwise boring day.
So we're drinking tonight? People drinking? Having a drink? CHEERING I drink after the show.
I like a glass of wine.
I like a glass of wine after the show.
A nice glass of wine.
I'm not an expert in the field of wine.
Most of us aren't, let's be honest, but we pretend to be in restaurants.
Very important to keep up the facade in a restaurant, that you all know about wine.
Nobody does.
You know red colour and white colour.
That's pretty much all.
You'll discuss it with your fellow diners, "Bottle of wine? Red? Red? Red? White or red? All right, bottle of red.
" Waiter comes over.
"Can I geev you ze wine list?" He may as well say, "Would you like ze book of gibberish?" "I would.
" Ignore all wording, focus entirely on prices.
"This one.
" You have no idea what you're doing, you picked one at random.
You don't even have the confidence to say it.
"Ooh! I want this one.
" "Ah, a fine choice.
" The waiter knows nothing about wine.
"I have no idea if it's a fine choice.
" Then they show you the bottle, this is an important part of the process.
You have to stop your conversation to stare at a bottle.
Cos it's all part of the bullshit production.
We all have roles within it.
Stare at bottle bit.
It's the only part of the meal they show you the source of where it's coming from.
You don't order a hamburger and they come out with a Polaroid of a cow.
"Zis is a cow.
Is this what you want?" "Yes, it is.
" "Kill it and put it in a bun and then bring it back to me.
" Then they'll open the wine in front of you.
"Who wants to try ze wine?" This is the horrific moment.
Who wants to take the lead role in the bullshit production? Nobody wants to do it.
"I don't want to do it, please, not me, not me.
" Somebody normally gives you up.
"You do it.
" "OK.
I will take the lead part.
" They pour a little bit in, step back wait for your verdict.
You have no idea what you're doing.
Everyone is staring at you.
Some people panic at this moment and just stick their face in it.
I don't know why you need to smell wine before drinking it.
You don't listen to a CD and rub it to your ear before.
Ah! Yes.
That is wine.
Everyone should have some.
It looks like Ribena, but I confirm it tastes winey, like other wines I've had in the past.
I thought you were tasting it to see if you liked it, like a taste test, but apparently it's to see if it's corked, which means it's off.
They're asking you to determine whether it's off or not, and if it's off, they'll give you another bottle.
I'm paying for this.
Why don't you ascertain whether it's off or not and not give it to me if it's off? It's not like you wanted coffee and they come up with the milk, "It smells funny, will you try it?" Cheesy! But you go along with it cos it's the done thing to do.
There's a lot you go along with in restaurants.
A lot of nonsense.
Bread and water? "Like some bread and water for the table?" The table's having a better night than I am.
I can get this in an orphanage.
Bring me actual food, please! But you go along with it, cos you're in a restaurant.
You order your main course.
"Would you like any side orders?" Why would I want satellites of food surrounding the food? Give me food on a plate and I'll put it in my face.
Is it supposed to make you feel like you're eating less? "Yes, I'd like some mashed potato behind me.
Put them behind me.
"Some carrots in a drawer.
"Keep your spinach in the loo, behind the cistern, no one will know.
" "Be careful, plate very hot.
" What a complete nonsense that is.
What you should say is, "Well then, get me one that isn't.
"I don't want to burn myself, I just want lasagne, not jeopardy.
" "Can I, do you mind?" But you just take it.
"OK, I'll be careful not to burn myself when I'm eating.
" My wife, she warned me about it.
"Be careful, it's a hot plate.
Just get the food in your face without touching it.
" Just where would you draw the line? "There are razor blades in the lasagne.
" "OK.
I'll be careful with my brain.
" They always offer you coffee at the end of a meal, regardless of the time of day.
Literally, at dinner, it can be 11:30 at night, bedtime is next for up for you.
"Can I get anyone a coffee?" I mean, this is a nonsense.
If my wife said to me at home, at 11:30 at night, "Would you like a coffee?" I'd go, "Piss off!" "Are you referring to the drink we use to get us out of bed in the morning? "The high-caffeine drink that fuels the rest of the day? "You want me to have that now before bed? Is this some kind of experiment?" In a restaurant, "Yes, I think I'll have a latte.
A latte for me.
"Do you want anything, darling?" "Double espresso for me.
" Three o'clock in the morning, "Are you up?" "Of course I'm up, I'm completely wired!" "I was thinking of going to work! Now! And waiting!" "Can I come?" "Let's run there! Let's RUN there!" CHEERING AND WHISTLING But it doesn't matter what you order, anything, the mainstay of any meal will be salt and pepper.
Salt and pepper have done so tremendously well in the herb and spice arena.
They're our favourites, by a distance.
They just wait on the table, don't they? Arrogantly assuming "Whatever you want to prepare, you're going to need us, "either myself or my dear friend, Pep.
Isn't that right?" "Right you are, Salty.
" But there are other herbs and spices.
Oregano, thyme, rosemary, cumin.
Paprika! They're all lined up in the cupboard in the kitchen at home, waiting.
Sometimes the cupboard door opens, they see Salt and Pepper, "Look at them, the bastards! "What have they got that we don't have? I just don't get it.
"You ever been out of the cupboard, Oregano?" ITALIAN ACCENT: "Once for bolognese in 1988.
"They said it was an experiment, I don't think it worked.
" "What about you, Cumin? You ever been out of the cupboard?" ASIAN ACCENT: "I used to live with them at the roadhouse, and they never took me out of cupboard.
"Then they moved here, put me back in cupboard.
No.
" "What about you, Paprika?" HUNGARIAN ACCENT: "I fell out once.
"They just put me back in.
The wrong way round.
"Seven years, seven years I was like this.
"Every day I would pray.
"I would pray it is goulash day.
"But it is never goulash day.
"I've still got the plastic on my head.
Why did they buy me? I don't understand it.
"What about you on the end? Who are you?" EFFEMINATE VOICE: "My name is Five Spice.
" "You ever been out of the cupboard, Five Spice?" "I'm not just one spice.
"I'm five spice.
I'm five times as good as all of you.
" "Yes, but have you ever been out of the cupboard?" "I have been used in recipes.
For thousands of years.
" "Yes, but have you ever been out of THIS cupboard?" "No.
" NORTHERN ACCENT: "Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, "but the fact is, I've overheard your conversation, it's winding me right up.
"I have been in this cupboard for longer than all of you put together!" "Sorry, who are you?" "John West, Tuna, nice to meet you.
" Ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much indeed.
Good night! Thank you.
Thank you, Apollo! Thank you.
Hey, that was all right, wasn't it? CHEERING AND WHOOPING Ladies and gentlemen, Michael McIntyre! AUDIENCE CHEERS EXCITEDLY God love him.
We'll see you again soon, good night, God bless, I've been Jason Manford.
Bye-bye, thank you.