Mom s05e01 Episode Script

1 (laughing) I was just fixing Beverly's disposal.
She told me the funniest joke.
Studying.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? A man will never stop looking for a golf ball.
Hilarious, right? Men are oafs.
Mom, please, I've got my LSATs next week.
- I've really got to study.
- I get it.
Once again, the LSATs are.
.
? Law School Admissions Test.
Oh, sure, L-S-A-T.
Oh, that's an easy way to remember it.
- Mom! - Sorry, sorry, I'll just grab a bite and leave you to it.
(rustling) Can I just say one thing? I doubt it.
I am so proud of you.
- Thanks.
- I mean, look how far you've come, from pregnant high school dropout to wannabe law school student in just 22 short years.
23 if you don't shut up.
Sorry.
Quiet as a mouse.
Hey.
It's a carrot.
I can still hear it.
Sorry.
(coughs) Oh, for God's sake, just finish it.
Ta-da! (phone camera clicking) Now what are you doing? Capturing a precious memory My amazing daughter studying for some test.
LSAT.
LSAT.
Right, LSAT.
I'm leaving now, but if you need anything, let me know.
So proud.
(groans) Didn't support me for 40 years.
All of a sudden, we're the Gilmore Girls.
I have to take these again.
You look really angry.
(Theme Music) - Back! - I didn't make a sound.
I can smell your mustache bleach.
- But I'm thirsty.
- Get in the shower and open your mouth.
- (knock on door) - But first, get the door.
So tiny and so mean.
Like a Chihuahua.
- Hey, baby.
- Nope! Adam's back early! Stall him for a minute.
A minute? Have you seen yourself? - Hey, Adam, when'd you get back? - This morning.
What was I just looking at? Yeah you never want to see how the sausage is made.
(laughs) So, how was your job? Ah, the movie's a piece of crap, but the check cleared, and I got a picture of The Rock carrying me like a baby.
Why are both your shirts off? I don't know, it all happened so fast.
Uh, listen, there's something else I wanted to Adam, I wish I could talk, but I'm cramming for the LSAT on Thursday.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You're making a huge mistake, but, oh, my God! - You think she'll like it? - Yes, it's beautiful.
- I can't believe you're doing this.
- I can't, either.
But six weeks away from your mother felt like six months.
Turns out I wasn't just saying "I love you" to get laid.
- I am so happy for you guys! - Oh.
(laughs) So, how you gonna ask her? I thought I'd take her to the burger shack where we had our first official date.
A shack? You are going to propose to her at a shack? Uh "shack" is misleading.
It's more like a hut.
It's a permanent structure.
Look, this is her first and hopefully last proposal ever.
This is a moment she will remember always.
You're starting to freak me out a little.
Here's what you're gonna do.
There's this restaurant Spetrino's.
We can't afford it, you can.
You want a table in the room with the twinkle lights.
After she finishes the osso buco, you signal the waiter to bring over the Grand Marnier soufflé.
- Yeah, but doesn't that ? - The alcohol burns off.
Anyway, the ring is already hidden in the soufflé, and as he comes up to the table, you get down on one You sit where you are and pop the question.
That's a lot of detail off the top of your head.
I am loaning you my dream.
Don't mess it up.
BONNIE: Adam?! I didn't know you were here.
Enjoy your sausage.
That's a little forward, but I intend to.
- Come on, tell us.
- Not until Jill gets here.
But trust me, this is big.
Bonnie and Adam are getting married.
No.
Not even close.
Actually, before Jill gets here, I really want to say something not nice about her, but it's only 'cause I care.
I think I want to say the same not-nice thing, but it's only 'cause I care, too.
Ladies, she's had a rough couple of months, and it's not for us to judge how she is or isn't handling it.
Well, I'm her friend and, damn it, I'm gonna say something.
Shh, shh.
Here she comes.
Hey! Can I get a strawberry milkshake over here with one straw? (sighs) Scootch over, Wendy.
I thought I did.
So what'd I miss? Christy? Well, Jill as your friend, um, I think I should tell you that Adam is proposing to my mother tonight! - Oh, my God! - MARJORIE: Wonderful! Hey, I guessed that! You want a prize, go to a carnival.
Bonnie, how you doing up there? Our reservation's at 8:00.
BONNIE: Relax.
It's only 8:15.
So that's what pacing is for you.
I'm a little nervous.
Just close your eyes and pretend The Rock is cradling you.
That actually helps.
Hey, why are we schlepping all the way across town to eat? Because I heard Spetrino's is amazing.
Yeah, but we're already late Nobody's fault But, you know, why don't we just go grab a burger? A burger? Christy, she wants a burger.
Nope, no, no, no.
There will be no burgers.
This wonderful man was thoughtful enough to invite you to a beautiful, romantic restaurant.
Millions of women would trade places with you in a minute, so you are going to get out there and have the best damn night of your life! Okay, relax.
If it means that much to you.
And while we're out, may I recommend you (quietly): masturbate? No, I really should study.
(knock on door) NATASHA: Christy, open up.
Your mom told me you're home.
Another reason to hate her.
Natasha, I really can't talk right now.
And you're in.
I need your help.
My caseworker told me I can't get my daughter out of foster care until I get a job.
What the hell am I gonna do? - Get a job? - Doing what?! And now you're sitting.
Okay, let's see.
- What have you done besides stripping? - I was a coke dealer.
So, sales experience.
My job in rehab was to clean the toilets.
Maintenance.
But I bribed other people to do it for me.
Management.
See? You're gonna be fine.
Now I really need to study.
Did you see me stand up there? Well, maybe I can just go back to stripping.
That club near the airport is hiring.
Not the nice one.
All right, I will help you find a job tomorrow.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! (groans) I really should've gone upstairs.
I hope you saved room for dessert.
I'm eight feet tall; there's always room.
But first I got to freshen up.
Uh, can't it wait? FYI, "freshen up" is lady talk for "tinkle," which is baby talk for "take a whiz.
" (chuckles): Fine, go.
It's Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
What the hell is going on? I think someone put a ring in the dessert so he could ask the woman he loves to marry him.
(laughs) I think someone is lame.
Oh, my God, you're the lame guy.
Bonnie Plunkett, will you marry me? (laughs) Yes, Adam, I will marry you.
Excuse me, uh, I could get you another one, but it'll take 45 minutes.
No! I want to see the ring.
I'm so sorry I screwed this up.
Are you kidding? You-you took a romantic moment and turned it into a fire hazard, and that's why I love you.
Got it.
Another reason I love you.
Adam, it's it's beautiful.
Excuse me.
I'm over 50, and a man is putting a ring on my finger.
Nothing? (both laughing) I am gonna make you the best wife.
(laughs) I mean, I'm gonna try.
I think I can do it.
I want to do it.
Can I do it? Of course you can.
Yeah, you're right, you're right, I can do it.
I mean, if I can do sober, I can do marriage.
(both laugh) Of course I have to go to meetings to stay sober.
There's no, you know, marriage meetings, unless you're in counseling, and Uh-oh, I guess we're gonna need counseling.
(laughs) And between drunkie and the wheelchair, I think we know who the shrink's gonna side with.
What's happening? What's happening is this ring comes with expectations and responsibilities.
And if history teaches us anything, that's not my bag! I mean, one night, you're gonna come home for meat loaf, 'cause Tuesday's meat loaf night.
Instead, you're gonna find me face down on the linoleum with a needle in my arm! - Bonnie, breathe.
- I can't.
(grunts) Can't breathe.
Can't make meat loaf.
Can't do this.
Still got to pee.
(grunts) Looks like you dodged a bullet there.
I mean, he's the best thing that ever happened to me, but all these fears just came out of nowhere.
It just took me by surprise.
I mean Are you sleeping? Trying! Hey, you know, part of this is on you.
You knew he was gonna propose.
You could've given me a heads-up.
You're right, I'm to blame.
Good night.
(scoffs) So that's it? You're just gonna abandon me in my hour of need.
And you abandoned me when I was seven; we're even.
Hey.
You were an honorary fireman for a weekend.
Not all kids get that.
- Mom, do you want to marry Adam? - Of course I do.
So call him and apologize.
(sighs) Gee, I don't know.
Then we start the marriage with me in the hole.
- Good night.
- Good night.
By the way, was that restaurant your idea? - Yeah.
- It was pretty good.
- Uh-huh.
- If you ever go, try the osso buco.
They give you this tiny little fork, you can dig the marrow I don't care! I got to get some sleep! Sorry.
It's not like you have anyone to take you.
Thank you so much for coming with me today.
Happy to do it.
I'm supposed to be studying for a test that will determine the rest of my life, but I'm happy to do it.
Oh, my God.
Do I even want to work here? I mean, look what I got to wear.
Brown polyester and grandma shoes.
Hey, don't knock comfortable footwear.
If I could've stripped in these babies, I would've lasted five more years.
- Stop eating sugar.
- But I need it.
No, you don't.
Look, it's perfectly natural to feel scared right now.
I'm not scared.
You should be.
40 is in your rear-view mirror, your kid's in foster care but you can't get her back until you get a legit job, and you're only qualified to sell cocaine and ruin some guy's pants.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
I can't do this.
- No, no, no.
Nobody likes a sad waitress.
Trust me, I know.
Have some sugar.
- (crying): No.
- Sweet'N Low? - No.
- Grape jelly? What-what's the point? I've screwed my life up so much I'll never get it back together.
(sobbing) Uh, I'm supposed to interview Natasha? And here she is.
Your new waitress, hostess or bus person.
Is everything okay? Yeah.
She's just a little overwhelmed.
But let me tell you, Kenny, uh, it has always been a dream of hers to work here.
(sobbing): Hi, Kenny.
In fact, she and I were just talking about how places like Uncle Freddy's have always been the backbone of American family life.
Well, we do pride ourselves on big portions for big people.
I just want to die, Kenny.
(sobbing) Look at that hustle.
Imagine when she has the right shoes.
Okay, Kenny.
We, uh, we look forward to hearing from you.
Wait, Natasha! That's not my car! (knocking on door) - Adam, I - Nope.
Okay.
That answers the question "Are you still mad?" Fortunately, I have a key for such occasions.
(sighs) I am so sorry.
You just caught me off guard.
Please, ask me again.
Bonnie, it's okay.
We don't have to get married.
You can humiliate me as my girlfriend.
No.
I love you, and I want to humiliate you as your wife.
(sighs) Honey, I swear, if I had a time machine, I would go back and make it right.
Really? That's what you'd use a time machine for? I might also make a few sports bets.
Maybe the Cubs.
You wouldn't prevent this? Look, if and when I get the time machine, we can make a list.
Please, ask me to marry you again.
(chuckles) All right, fine.
Bonnie, will you marry No, no.
The long version with all the nice stuff.
(sighs) Bonnie, I love you.
I love you, too.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you, too.
- Will you marry me? - No.
I told my mouth to say yes, but "no" just came flying out.
- What did Adam do? - He rolled over my foot.
And you know what? I deserved it.
I am the worst person in the world.
- Well, you do tend to - Well, to be fair Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
No, you're not.
- What did Christy say? - She doesn't know.
She's out helping Natasha find a job.
Oh.
Isn't that great? She gets a job, gets her kid back, and I'm stuck all alone in an empty house again.
Everybody gets a fairy tale ending except for me.
I want a fairy tale ending.
(sighs) Are you sure about that? Maybe you keep saying no because you've been a horrible person for so long you think you're not good enough for Adam.
Well, that would explain why I've been sabotaging myself.
You should tell Adam that.
- Is he still speaking to you? - Oh, hell no.
But, uh, I might have a work-around.
(panting) Apology accepted.
But wait, there's more.
(panting) Was that the tenth one? Do I get the next one free? You are gonna be getting it free for a lifetime.
- Adam Ulysses Janikowski.
- Not my middle name.
See? There's still things we get to learn about each other.
All I know is that I love you more than anything in the world, so please marry me.
Ah, you are a piece of work, but yes.
- Yes, I will marry you.
- (laughs) (both sigh) (chuckles) Oh, my God.
We're really doing this.
Together forever.
(sighs) Yay.
(door closes) You are looking at the biggest idiot on the planet.
Yep, there you are.
Look what I did.
- You said yes? - Don't make me relive it.
Okay.
I love him so much.
Why don't I want to marry him? (sighs) Because deep down inside you think you're not good enough? Nah, that's what Marjorie said.
(blows raspberries) Mom, what are you afraid of? Evil clowns.
Scratch that all clowns.
Being married to the same guy for the rest of my life.
Why don't you approach marriage like you do staying sober? You know? One day at a time.
Wow.
That's not bad.
- Have you guys set a date? - No.
Then what are you worried about? You can keep this engagement up for years.
Say more.
Think about it.
When has a man ever pushed for a wedding date? It's like a woman initiating butt stuff.
If you don't bring it up, then he won't.
- That's brilliant.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm also gaining a little insight as to why you're still single.
And I'm gaining insight as to why Adam proposed three times.
(chuckles) - Bottom line - Bad choice.
In conclusion you're saying I could just buy bridal magazines, wear my pretty ring and run the clock out? Congratulations.
You're never getting married! Oh, Bonnie, it's beautiful.
Two carat solitaire, a bit cloudy.
This might not be from a mall.
I'm so jealous.
Mission accomplished.
So when's the big day? - June 19th.
- Mm.
Year to be determined.
Ah! Guys, you'll never believe it.
Guess who got an average score on her LSAT? (all cheering) So congratulations are in order? Yes.
Now I can get into the best of the low level law schools.
Oh.
I'm so proud of you.
I always knew you could barely do it.
Aw, thanks, Mom.
You were always barely there for me.
Well, isn't this all balloons and confetti? You got a big career ahead of you, you have a fiancé, you got a husband.
What do I have? Oh, quit your bitching, you selfish, pampered princess.
What? You got a purse that costs more than my car.
You sleep till noon because you don't have to work.
On top of that, you got your hairdresser, manicurist, masseuse, all coming to your house.
You know who comes to my house, Jill? Nobody.
Not even the delivery boy from Golden Dragon.
I got to walk down four flights of stairs to get my kung pao freakin' chicken! So the next time I hear you feeling sorry for yourself, I'm gonna smack you so hard your lip filler's gonna come out your ear! You want some pie? You all finished here? I think we need a minute.
Well, hurry up.
My feet are killing me.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I got Natasha a job.
Oh, that's so nice.