Moonlighting s05e01 Episode Script
A Womb With a View
Blue moon detective agency.
Some lowdown no-good nick made off with your dough? We can't solve your case because we don't have a show.
We went off the air at the end of last season management wouldn't listen to reason.
Blue moon's here, though there's one thing we're sans millions of loyal intelligent fans.
Hang in there, it'll be a bit when you won't have to deal with this rerun shut my mouth.
Oh, my goodness.
Got to go.
It's you.
You came back finally.
Some of them said you might not want to but i knew you'd come.
You would not come, you could not come.
And now you're here, our audience.
Hey, everybody, look.
- Our audience.
- Oh, yeah.
Look, oh this is great.
This is the best.
This is: Herbert.
Herbert.
Guess who's here? - Who? - Guess.
I'm about to checkmate myself.
I don't have time for this nonsense.
You don't have to play with yourself anymore.
They're here.
- They.
They who? - They, them.
Oh, them.
Isn't it great? What do you mean? They're back.
Herbert, you're not still holding a grudge, are you? They didn't exactly take me to their bosom last year, you know.
For crying out loud, herbert.
Turn the page.
That was last year.
This is this year.
A new season, a great season.
Your season.
My season? Sounds swell, not a cloud in the sky, bikini weather, folks.
We pack up the wagon, we go to the beach we surf.
- Mr.
Addison.
Don't argue with me, agnes.
It's about time you got an all-over tan.
That's nice, mr.
Addison.
But i've got a feeling we have some work to do.
Come here.
Come over here.
Did i hear you use the ''w'' word? Shame on you.
- My season.
- What? My season.
Have you students been smoking banana peels again? - What's the matter with you? - Look.
- Is that who i think it is? - Yeah.
Ain't it bitchen? Well, i'll be a series regular.
Look, there's cathy and arnold and - don.
- Hymie and don.
- Look, hi, don.
- Nancy.
- There's my friend mark.
- Jordan.
I guess we're back in show business, aren't we? Wait till miss hayes hears the good news.
Yeah.
So, kids, are we ready to roll up our sleeves and make our dialog dirty again? - Yes, sir.
Well, what are we waiting for? Another season, another try to mak e 22 shows before we die a chance for critics to sta/k and steer we know they'// on/y mak e sixteen this year we know they'// on/y mak e sixteen this year but we don't care because we do our part to mak e the programme with wit and heart so go get comfy, unp/ug the phone here come dave and maddie into your home here come dave and maddie into your home another season, another try to mak e 22 shows before we die what are they trying to do? Screw up our chances for syndication? - Heave.
- Heave.
Saw bugs bunny do that once.
Where were we? - About to kick off the new season.
- Right.
My season.
What? Hit it.
Come on, let's do it.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Lights.
Rims.
- Another season - yeah another shot to show the country just what we've got to be there every tuesday night for you without a rerun without a rerun without a rerun except one or two we can't have no rerun because you'// change the channe/ and watch nbc oh, yeah ready.
Good song, good song.
Good commercial.
Let's go right into another one, right away.
Oh, i love this song.
If only i could figure out what this song meant.
Something's up.
Hope she's not gonna vomit again.
Oh, examination time.
I wonder if they're gonna take pictures today.
I'm gonna be twins and nobody told me.
Hello, baby hayes.
Here's the deal, you get the brains but i got to get the good looks.
Excuse me? Maybe i will and maybe i won't.
Who are you anyway? What do you want? I got some bad news for you.
This womb ain't big enough for both of us.
Calm down, baby hayes.
I'm a friend, jerome.
I'm sorry for barging in but there just is no subtle way to begin a visitation.
- What? - A visitation.
You see, i'm an emissary of the creator.
Yes, he's asked me to come visit with you.
Oh, he has, has he? Who is this creator? Creator of what? Why, the creator of everything.
The universe, me, you.
All that is seen and indeed unseen.
All he wants is that you're prepared for your birth.
You are familiar with the concept of birth.
You are aware that you'll be leaving this place.
Leave here? You must be crazy.
What did you do, promise the room to your nephew? Well, it won't work.
I ain't leaving.
No, sir.
You couldn't blow me out here with an a-bomb.
Yes, well i'm afraid that that just won't do.
I'm afraid that this is just gonna have to do.
Because you know what? I ain't leaving.
Why should i? Great climate, all the food you can eat.
No stress, no cares, just kick back give her a little heartburn, play a little handball.
This is the life.
No, i'm afraid it isn't and that's the point.
Life is a bit more complicated.
That's why we must get ready for the other world out there.
What are you talking about? What other world out where? Out there, out there, outside these walls.
Out there.
You know what's out there? Intestines.
You want me to go live in intestines? No, no, not there.
The world.
The world? The world.
Well what's the world? - It's a wonderful place.
Or it can be.
The thing is, you've got to be prepared and that's what this visit is all about.
Every child whose ever been born gets one of these.
Courtesy of the creator.
Why? Oh, because there's a lot of confusion out there.
But whenever a child comes into the world there's always the hope that he or she might make it a better place.
You'd like to be part of that wouldn't you, baby hayes? I don't know.
This other world, you got any brochures, pictures? Yes.
Lots of pictures.
The world has been around an awfully long time.
I think you'll find it fascinating.
Now what you're about to see is a compilation of the thoughts images and impressions experienced by all men since the beginning of time.
Remember them.
They'll comprise your dreams, your nightmares and your imagination.
Do that again.
Oh, i'm sorry.
Outstanding.
So that's all there is to this life stuff, huh? That was merely the beginning.
Like i told you, the world is a complicated place.
Complicated, messy and quite wonderful.
- You mean there's more? - Oh, yes.
We have much left to do.
What i just showed you was merely a sort of astral coming attraction.
- See anything that caught your fancy? - Yeah, sure.
Ice cream, music, girls.
Girls.
Oh, yes.
I was very fond of them too.
Become women, you know.
The creator takes a lot of pride in that.
Which leads me to our next topic.
The birds and the bees.
The moms and the dads.
Pardon? You, baby hayes, are the product of two people's love.
If everything goes according to plan when you're born it's with anticipation on the part of these people.
They're called your parents.
When you were born it is almost always into the arms of these parents.
But at your birth you have neither the powers of speech nor mobility it's best you know as much about these people in whose care you've been placed.
Even when i'm a itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny baby l'm gonna know every thing about my parents? Yes, everyone does.
Well, what happens when i'm old enough to talk? Isn't god afraid i'll spill the beans? Oh, no.
You see as you get older, as you begin to talk and see and understand all these memories your time here, your time with me, they fade away.
Nothing left but instinct and occasional incident of d?jà vu.
You guys got this figured out Well, we've had all eternity to work it out.
This is your mother.
Hubba-hubba.
Good going, god.
Yes, she's quite an extraordinary woman.
Bright, beautiful, a huge heart though oft times she pays it little heed.
It's the creator's hope that your arrival will help amend that situation.
Yes, you're a fortunate child indeed.
Can i see more? What about my dad? Well, there's been quite a bit of controversy about that.
About just who is your father.
Not in here, of course, only out there.
Your father is a fellow named david addison.
Dad.
Your father's a fascinating man.
Smarter than he lets on, deeper.
He has an extraordinary passion for life and an extraordinary passion for your mother.
Make him do something.
- Would you like to meet them? - Yeah.
Where are we? Scene of the crime.
Joke.
I like to do one every century or so.
Never mind.
This is an office building, the place your parents met.
There.
Right on schedule.
That's him.
Dad.
He can't see or hear you.
Well? I think i like him.
- Good morning, ladies.
- Good morning.
Mr.
Addison.
Agnes.
What? Miss hayes wanted to see you in her office when you got back.
Yeah.
Pencil her in a little later.
I have some pressing business pressing.
Mr.
Addison, can i see you in my office for a moment? - Right now'? - Now.
- Mom? - Morn.
Excuse me, ladies.
I believe i hear a mood swing coming on.
Keep your motor running.
Down boys.
Hello, david.
Hello, maddie.
If it's not too, too much trouble would you like to explain yourself? No trouble.
When i was in the 9th grade i had this teacher that l - david there's more silicone in the outer office than in northern california, why? Why not is the question we should be asking.
Why, instead of working, are the men ogling those women like tomcats? - Beats me, which women? - That flock of floozies.
- That bevy of bimbos.
- Mass of maracas.
Not the candidates i'll be interviewing for the job of au pair.
Au pair? What au pair? What a pair.
Can you tell me you can look in that outer office and not see a pair or two pair or three.
As a matter of fact, yours enough.
There's never enough, you see, that's what i'm trying to say.
No one ever listens to what i'm trying to say.
- It was supposed to be a surprise.
- What surprise? The au pair, the help for the bambina.
The bambino.
You honestly expect me to trust my child to one of those.
The poor thing would get dizzy from the bumping and grinding.
That's not very nice just because a woman has an ample bosom legs like there's no tomorrow, a caboose that would make a grown - stop it.
David.
man.
We don't know if any of those women have any qualifications for childcare.
- Sure we do.
- They're here for one reason.
- You know it.
- I don't know anything.
They seemed bright to me in the few moments that i spent with them.
They have excellent references.
- Two were in a david lee roth - get them out of here.
Now.
All right, but i think you're making a big mistake.
Those women are all highly-trained specialists.
Getting tassels to spin in opposite directions? Are you pooh-poohing this idea? - I'm pooh-poohing this idea.
- You can pooh-pooh it if you want to.
It's pretty doggone hard to get them tassels to spin in opposite directions.
Anyway, who says you got to be some blue-haired old biddy to watch kids? That bleach blonde has motherhood written over her.
She said something about a tattoo.
I didn't know that it was look what is the big deal? She doesn't fit your image of what a nanny is, so what? It's for around here.
Kind of an onsite day-care centre.
If the daycare giver happens to be easy on the eyes, so what? - David you are obsessed.
- What? - Pornographic.
Deviant.
- At least i'm keeping up with the times.
I don't need your help.
A daycare centre's fine.
How can we not be concerned for the welfare of the corporate offspring? Why are they talking at the same time? It's called chemistry.
Those women are concerned with one thing only.
Giving, giving, giving.
- Out.
- Wait a minute.
You want me to get out? I try and lend a helping hand around here and do i get as much as a thank you? No.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Disappear, evaporate, dissolve.
With pleasure.
Pleasure's that big blonde thing in the mini skirt.
David addison, i have something else to say to you.
Baby hayes.
Something the matter? Did the noise scare you? Baby hayes, i can tell something's bothering you.
Tell me what's wrong.
That's what divine emissaries are for.
Well, don't take this the wrong way but i don't think i like my parents.
- Oh, come now you don't mean that.
- Yes, i do.
I just don't like them.
Well, that's a shame because they're both going to be sensational parents.
Really.
I know.
I've seen some of the future episodes.
Well, i don't care.
I just don't like them.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Do you know how many babies would give the diaper off their bum to have maddie and david for parents? It's the fighting, isn't it? But baby hayes, that wasn't a fight, that was them.
That's what maddie and david do.
What they've always done.
That was - a fight.
- No.
Let me tell you about those two.
They're old souls.
They've been around for centuries.
I've brought them into the world at least a dozen times myself.
And it's always the same, they meet, they fall in love they spend their lives doing this strange little tango together.
Let me show you something.
Maddie and david's last trip through the world.
And i don't /ik e you.
Oh, yeah.
Then why are you sti// here ta/king to me? Here i am, mrs.
Adams.
- Thought you said you didn't /ik e me.
- I don't.
We//, then you gonna te// me to go away.
I don't hear anything.
I sti// don't hear anything.
I'm confused.
I sti// don't hear anything.
They always do this? Always.
If they didn't love each other, they won't keep coming back for more.
Lucky you weren't born a hundred years earlier the doors were heavier then and made a lot more racket.
Let me show you what i mean.
For 'tis p/ain to any foo/ that it be night and not day.
Day it is if thy husband says it be so.
Perhaps to a wife b/inded by /ove, but mine eyes see c/ear.
Love or no, i be thy /iege and thy /ord that bring home the bacon and provided thee with a roof over they thick sku//.
And for that, by the gods, if i say the moon be the sun than to you good wife, it sha// be so.
Good wife i am in name on/y, good husband.
Thus it is the moon and 'tis the moon no matter what thee said.
'Tis the sun or no s/eep for thee.
'Tis the moon and to bed i'm away.
- The sun.
- The moon.
- The sun.
- The moon! Hope they /ik e these jok es on the moon because that's where you're going.
I wi// not stand for this.
- You wi// not stand.
- This, my cast/e.
- King.
King.
- Some king.
Not even a vassa/ to command in his cast/e.
- 'Tis the moon i choose to see.
- I'// teach you.
- In there i choose to s/eep.
- On your honeymoon, you s/eep there without me unti/ i say otherwise.
- Understand it.
Fine.
- Understand it.
Fine.
Well, why does it have to be like that, always so complicated? No one's sure.
There are a lot of theories though.
Perhaps maddie's afraid that she loves david more than he loves her.
David's afraid of the same thing.
Since they're afraid of being hurt by the other, they act like they don't care.
But deep down they really do care.
Oh, yes, a great deal.
Come in.
- Look, maddie l - david, l you first.
Look, david, i know you probably meant well.
- I might have gotten carried away.
- Might have.
I figured we need somebody to backstop ''mama-rama'' here and if we brighten up the landscape.
What the hay.
What the hay.
You know something.
Whoever the little critter is that gets you for a mom is one lucky bambino.
Or a bambina.
I think you get the idea.
We should be getting back.
Oh, what is that? I don't know but it feels like handball.
Yes, yes.
I think you and david and maddie have a great deal to look - see you after lunch, miss dipesto.
- Okey-dokey.
Damn.
- Double or nothing.
- Pay up.
Herbert.
What are you and macgilicuddy torturing each other about? Nothing, my dear.
Just enjoying a friendly round of water cooler roulette.
Your luck is about to run out, bucko.
Not before your bank account.
Why does it always go on my turn? I need 8.
1 7 from you for miss hayes' baby shower.
I bet that weasel's got this thing rigged.
- Herbert.
- I'm sorry.
What? I need 8.
1 7, your share of the baby gift.
Oh, jeez.
Agnes.
I'm sorry i'm tapped out.
Yeah, i know.
I'll cover your share.
Don't get to chez jay later than 7 p.
M or you'll ruin the surprise.
Listen.
I've been meaning to say something.
I can't make it.
- What? - I've got other plans.
- You what? - Got other plans? Miss hayes is having a baby.
This office is giving her a shower and you're going to be there with bells on.
No, i'm not.
Yes, you are.
If you think i'm going to that shower, you're all wet.
Herbert, why are you being like this? - Like what? - Like this.
This is unreasonable.
Did it ever occur to you that i might have a perfectly valid reason for not attending this function.
- Let's hear it.
All right.
You see, the plain truth of the matter is and i am being brutally frank and frankly brutal.
But the fact is, that i become extremely uncomfortable around women who are in a family way.
Pregnant.
And the thought of spending an entire evening, never mind the 8.
1 7 where the principal topic of conversation will be the whole prospect is too hideous even to contemplate.
You're jealous that women can do something you can't.
Oh, yeah.
I really feel cheated out of morning sickness followed by unfathomable pain which leads to years of being chewed, spit, leaked and pooped on.
No.
No.
Agnes.
Some people are meant to have children.
Your mother, for example.
But me l'd be a flop as a pop.
How can you say that unless you've tried.
Fatherhood isn't something you experiment with.
The responsibility is simply too awesome.
I mean, suppose i did have a kid.
What if i didn't like it or it didn't like me? What if we didn't bond? Oh, herbert.
You're such a worrywart.
You're right, you're right, i am and do l we want to pass along a genetic weakness like that? No.
No, the only honourable thing to do is just chlorinate the gene pool.
Yeah, well it wouldn't be just your gene pool.
Who's to say your oddball genes would be the ones to carry the day.
I mean a baby doesn't have to be the worst parts of two people.
I've always kind of believed that it's usually the best.
And what baby wouldn't want to have your wit.
My wit.
- Do you think i'm witty? - The wittiest and your good looks.
I've never thought of that.
I could really get into your genes herbert quentin viola.
And i yours.
What time? Where? Seven p.
m.
Chez jay, with bells on.
Jerk.
Thank you.
Oh, broccoli.
Lunchtime.
Oh, i trust you had a pleasant sleep.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, i did.
I was dreaming of me mother and father.
Don't look now, pal but i think i'm going to like this life stuff.
Splendid, that will make this next bit of business easier.
What are you talking about? Unfortunately, your parents are not the only people in the world.
There's a planet of people you'll be sharing your lifetime with not all will be as loving as your mother and father.
I don't get it.
Bear with me, baby hayes.
Even though i work in the service of the creator there are some things, some choices that even i don't understand.
What do you mean? Like what? Look into your heart, baby hayes.
No, no, no.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes and look into your heart.
What do you see? I don't know.
Some light places and some dark places.
Indeed.
Good and evil, that's what you see.
That's what you're looking at.
The creator has chosen, for reasons i won't pretend to understand to endow each man with a heart capable of divine goodness and extraordinary evil.
It's a choice, a choice each person makes on his own but whatever choice a person makes has an impact on the rest of the world.
Open your eyes.
From the moment life began until this moment now men have embraced evil with a ferociousness unexpected by even the creator.
The capacity to destroy, hurt, maim and even kill, flies in the face of everything one might reasonably expect of human behaviour.
Greed, lust, jealousy, hatred, stupidity, anger.
These are the fuels of a wayward heart and they are in abundant supply in the world you're about to enter.
But remember, not only are maddie and david your parents but all men and women are your brothers and sisters and the world is all your collective home.
And now you may really open your eyes.
Do you understand what i just said to you, shown you? That's all right.
We'll go to a commercial now.
- Don't these people know? - Surprise.
Congratulations.
Oh, you're awesome.
What's that? That? That's the sound of happiness.
The last and often the most elusive component of this business we call life.
Oh, i don't think i'm too crazy about this life thing any more.
Happiness isn't something you see it's something you feel.
Your first kiss, your first christmas, learning to swim, catching a ball being able to read the sunday funnies all by yourself.
The first time you hear '' i love you.
'' The first time you feel moved to say it yourself.
Well, it's a whole list of things too long to mention.
And a feeling that is impossible to sum up.
But it is something that you almost always feel if you are just willing to do the little bit of work required.
What might that be? Feel.
It's what you're doing right now.
You're scared and anxious.
Well, that's good, that's human.
It's testimony to the fact that you're ready.
Testimony to the fact that everything is turning out as it should.
Feel.
It's the ultimate gift and the ultimate responsibility and the key to the ultimate reward, happiness.
It's getting kind of hot in here.
Doesn't feel quite as comfortable in here as it used to, does it? No.
It's kind of cramped.
It's getting dark too.
The dance is that way, young man and it's your turn to cut a rug.
I've never been wrong about a new soul yet.
It's going to be a wonderful life.
I'm afraid i've got a beam of light to catch.
Goodbye, baby hayes.
Will i ever see you again? Not for a while.
You've got a life to live first.
What about afterwards? What happens then? That, my friend, is a secret.
Yes? Oh, my.
What? What? Call the doctor.
Call an ambulance.
Stay back.
Everybody stay back.
Are you all right, honey? I'll come see you when i'm through here.
What's going on? Where did the happiness music go? What's that sound? A change is beginning, that's all.
Change, what change? David and maddie are no longer destined to be your parents.
What? - David and maddie are no longer - why? I don't know why.
These are decisions made by the creator.
There's no need to be alarmed.
Nothing drastic, happens all the time, everything is proceeding at pace.
You're still going to be born, only to a different mother and father.
You want an answer and i can't give you one.
There are reasons.
Perhaps these people weren't quite ready to be parents perhaps the world wasn't quite ready for this particular family perhaps there's a greater wisdom at work here than mine.
We simply have to trust it and count our blessings.
What blessings? Oh, the gift of life, for one.
You're still going to be born, all souls are born.
Never lost one during a last-minute shuffle yet.
But i love them.
And they would have loved you.
But your new parents you know who they are? There are two potential families being considered and, yes, i know them both.
- Wonderful people, terribly popular.
- Who are they? Depending on what happens in the next few weeks you're destined to be either kirk cameron's little brother or bill cosby's grandchild.
Really? Keep the cosby thing under your hat.
They're self-conscious about the whole pregnancy business.
What about maddie and david? Are they fine.
They are going to be just fine.
Time has a way of healing these kinds of wounds.
Sometimes a love goes stronger.
There really is a reason for these things, you know.
I'm not sure i believe you now.
Well, i haven't lied to you so far, have i? What choice have you got? You can sit around all day feeling colicky or you can grab your coat and get your hat.
What? Grab your coat and get your hat leave your worries on the doorstep come on, we've got to move you to a new womb.
Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street can't you hear that pitter-pat? That happy tune is your step life can be so sweet on the sunny side of the street check this out.
All right.
Come on.
Kid, you can do it.
Right behind you, pop.
I used to wa/k in the shade with those b/ues on parade not bad, jerry.
But i'm not afraid - scared? - Nope.
This rover crossed over - lf i never have a cent - lf i never have a cent - i'd be rich as rock efe//er - i'd be rich as rock efe//er - go/d dust at my feet - go/d dust at my feet - on the sunny - on the sunny - on the sunny - on the sunny - on the sunny - on the sunny - sunny side of the street - sunny side of the street - bill cosby, huh? - Lf you play your cards right.
I can't help thinking that this happened because of something i did or didn't do.
Maybe i should have taken better care of myself.
Don't beat yourself up like this.
You took good care of yourself.
You did great.
You did great.
This is a really terrible thing.
I'm just so glad you're okay.
I was so scared when l just glad you're okay.
Why couldn't it have worked out? I don't know.
It just wasn't meant to be.
It's probably better this way.
I mean, can you imagine me trying to be a mother? Me trying to be a father.
You would have made a great father eventually.
Lousy husband though.
But a great dad.
I don't think i'll ever be the same.
- I don't think we'll ever be the same.
- We'll be all right.
And you're gonna be all right.
It's going to be hard to leave.
- Alone.
- You're not gonna be alone.
I'm gonna be right here with you.
I'm not going anywhere.
Okay? Well, how's the patient? I'd like to change place with just about anyone right now.
I'm sorry.
I know how tough this has been on both of you but the good news is the two of you can start trying again real soon.
Life could be so sweet jerome.
On the sunny jerome.
Sunny side of the street don't you know any other songs?
Some lowdown no-good nick made off with your dough? We can't solve your case because we don't have a show.
We went off the air at the end of last season management wouldn't listen to reason.
Blue moon's here, though there's one thing we're sans millions of loyal intelligent fans.
Hang in there, it'll be a bit when you won't have to deal with this rerun shut my mouth.
Oh, my goodness.
Got to go.
It's you.
You came back finally.
Some of them said you might not want to but i knew you'd come.
You would not come, you could not come.
And now you're here, our audience.
Hey, everybody, look.
- Our audience.
- Oh, yeah.
Look, oh this is great.
This is the best.
This is: Herbert.
Herbert.
Guess who's here? - Who? - Guess.
I'm about to checkmate myself.
I don't have time for this nonsense.
You don't have to play with yourself anymore.
They're here.
- They.
They who? - They, them.
Oh, them.
Isn't it great? What do you mean? They're back.
Herbert, you're not still holding a grudge, are you? They didn't exactly take me to their bosom last year, you know.
For crying out loud, herbert.
Turn the page.
That was last year.
This is this year.
A new season, a great season.
Your season.
My season? Sounds swell, not a cloud in the sky, bikini weather, folks.
We pack up the wagon, we go to the beach we surf.
- Mr.
Addison.
Don't argue with me, agnes.
It's about time you got an all-over tan.
That's nice, mr.
Addison.
But i've got a feeling we have some work to do.
Come here.
Come over here.
Did i hear you use the ''w'' word? Shame on you.
- My season.
- What? My season.
Have you students been smoking banana peels again? - What's the matter with you? - Look.
- Is that who i think it is? - Yeah.
Ain't it bitchen? Well, i'll be a series regular.
Look, there's cathy and arnold and - don.
- Hymie and don.
- Look, hi, don.
- Nancy.
- There's my friend mark.
- Jordan.
I guess we're back in show business, aren't we? Wait till miss hayes hears the good news.
Yeah.
So, kids, are we ready to roll up our sleeves and make our dialog dirty again? - Yes, sir.
Well, what are we waiting for? Another season, another try to mak e 22 shows before we die a chance for critics to sta/k and steer we know they'// on/y mak e sixteen this year we know they'// on/y mak e sixteen this year but we don't care because we do our part to mak e the programme with wit and heart so go get comfy, unp/ug the phone here come dave and maddie into your home here come dave and maddie into your home another season, another try to mak e 22 shows before we die what are they trying to do? Screw up our chances for syndication? - Heave.
- Heave.
Saw bugs bunny do that once.
Where were we? - About to kick off the new season.
- Right.
My season.
What? Hit it.
Come on, let's do it.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Lights.
Rims.
- Another season - yeah another shot to show the country just what we've got to be there every tuesday night for you without a rerun without a rerun without a rerun except one or two we can't have no rerun because you'// change the channe/ and watch nbc oh, yeah ready.
Good song, good song.
Good commercial.
Let's go right into another one, right away.
Oh, i love this song.
If only i could figure out what this song meant.
Something's up.
Hope she's not gonna vomit again.
Oh, examination time.
I wonder if they're gonna take pictures today.
I'm gonna be twins and nobody told me.
Hello, baby hayes.
Here's the deal, you get the brains but i got to get the good looks.
Excuse me? Maybe i will and maybe i won't.
Who are you anyway? What do you want? I got some bad news for you.
This womb ain't big enough for both of us.
Calm down, baby hayes.
I'm a friend, jerome.
I'm sorry for barging in but there just is no subtle way to begin a visitation.
- What? - A visitation.
You see, i'm an emissary of the creator.
Yes, he's asked me to come visit with you.
Oh, he has, has he? Who is this creator? Creator of what? Why, the creator of everything.
The universe, me, you.
All that is seen and indeed unseen.
All he wants is that you're prepared for your birth.
You are familiar with the concept of birth.
You are aware that you'll be leaving this place.
Leave here? You must be crazy.
What did you do, promise the room to your nephew? Well, it won't work.
I ain't leaving.
No, sir.
You couldn't blow me out here with an a-bomb.
Yes, well i'm afraid that that just won't do.
I'm afraid that this is just gonna have to do.
Because you know what? I ain't leaving.
Why should i? Great climate, all the food you can eat.
No stress, no cares, just kick back give her a little heartburn, play a little handball.
This is the life.
No, i'm afraid it isn't and that's the point.
Life is a bit more complicated.
That's why we must get ready for the other world out there.
What are you talking about? What other world out where? Out there, out there, outside these walls.
Out there.
You know what's out there? Intestines.
You want me to go live in intestines? No, no, not there.
The world.
The world? The world.
Well what's the world? - It's a wonderful place.
Or it can be.
The thing is, you've got to be prepared and that's what this visit is all about.
Every child whose ever been born gets one of these.
Courtesy of the creator.
Why? Oh, because there's a lot of confusion out there.
But whenever a child comes into the world there's always the hope that he or she might make it a better place.
You'd like to be part of that wouldn't you, baby hayes? I don't know.
This other world, you got any brochures, pictures? Yes.
Lots of pictures.
The world has been around an awfully long time.
I think you'll find it fascinating.
Now what you're about to see is a compilation of the thoughts images and impressions experienced by all men since the beginning of time.
Remember them.
They'll comprise your dreams, your nightmares and your imagination.
Do that again.
Oh, i'm sorry.
Outstanding.
So that's all there is to this life stuff, huh? That was merely the beginning.
Like i told you, the world is a complicated place.
Complicated, messy and quite wonderful.
- You mean there's more? - Oh, yes.
We have much left to do.
What i just showed you was merely a sort of astral coming attraction.
- See anything that caught your fancy? - Yeah, sure.
Ice cream, music, girls.
Girls.
Oh, yes.
I was very fond of them too.
Become women, you know.
The creator takes a lot of pride in that.
Which leads me to our next topic.
The birds and the bees.
The moms and the dads.
Pardon? You, baby hayes, are the product of two people's love.
If everything goes according to plan when you're born it's with anticipation on the part of these people.
They're called your parents.
When you were born it is almost always into the arms of these parents.
But at your birth you have neither the powers of speech nor mobility it's best you know as much about these people in whose care you've been placed.
Even when i'm a itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny baby l'm gonna know every thing about my parents? Yes, everyone does.
Well, what happens when i'm old enough to talk? Isn't god afraid i'll spill the beans? Oh, no.
You see as you get older, as you begin to talk and see and understand all these memories your time here, your time with me, they fade away.
Nothing left but instinct and occasional incident of d?jà vu.
You guys got this figured out Well, we've had all eternity to work it out.
This is your mother.
Hubba-hubba.
Good going, god.
Yes, she's quite an extraordinary woman.
Bright, beautiful, a huge heart though oft times she pays it little heed.
It's the creator's hope that your arrival will help amend that situation.
Yes, you're a fortunate child indeed.
Can i see more? What about my dad? Well, there's been quite a bit of controversy about that.
About just who is your father.
Not in here, of course, only out there.
Your father is a fellow named david addison.
Dad.
Your father's a fascinating man.
Smarter than he lets on, deeper.
He has an extraordinary passion for life and an extraordinary passion for your mother.
Make him do something.
- Would you like to meet them? - Yeah.
Where are we? Scene of the crime.
Joke.
I like to do one every century or so.
Never mind.
This is an office building, the place your parents met.
There.
Right on schedule.
That's him.
Dad.
He can't see or hear you.
Well? I think i like him.
- Good morning, ladies.
- Good morning.
Mr.
Addison.
Agnes.
What? Miss hayes wanted to see you in her office when you got back.
Yeah.
Pencil her in a little later.
I have some pressing business pressing.
Mr.
Addison, can i see you in my office for a moment? - Right now'? - Now.
- Mom? - Morn.
Excuse me, ladies.
I believe i hear a mood swing coming on.
Keep your motor running.
Down boys.
Hello, david.
Hello, maddie.
If it's not too, too much trouble would you like to explain yourself? No trouble.
When i was in the 9th grade i had this teacher that l - david there's more silicone in the outer office than in northern california, why? Why not is the question we should be asking.
Why, instead of working, are the men ogling those women like tomcats? - Beats me, which women? - That flock of floozies.
- That bevy of bimbos.
- Mass of maracas.
Not the candidates i'll be interviewing for the job of au pair.
Au pair? What au pair? What a pair.
Can you tell me you can look in that outer office and not see a pair or two pair or three.
As a matter of fact, yours enough.
There's never enough, you see, that's what i'm trying to say.
No one ever listens to what i'm trying to say.
- It was supposed to be a surprise.
- What surprise? The au pair, the help for the bambina.
The bambino.
You honestly expect me to trust my child to one of those.
The poor thing would get dizzy from the bumping and grinding.
That's not very nice just because a woman has an ample bosom legs like there's no tomorrow, a caboose that would make a grown - stop it.
David.
man.
We don't know if any of those women have any qualifications for childcare.
- Sure we do.
- They're here for one reason.
- You know it.
- I don't know anything.
They seemed bright to me in the few moments that i spent with them.
They have excellent references.
- Two were in a david lee roth - get them out of here.
Now.
All right, but i think you're making a big mistake.
Those women are all highly-trained specialists.
Getting tassels to spin in opposite directions? Are you pooh-poohing this idea? - I'm pooh-poohing this idea.
- You can pooh-pooh it if you want to.
It's pretty doggone hard to get them tassels to spin in opposite directions.
Anyway, who says you got to be some blue-haired old biddy to watch kids? That bleach blonde has motherhood written over her.
She said something about a tattoo.
I didn't know that it was look what is the big deal? She doesn't fit your image of what a nanny is, so what? It's for around here.
Kind of an onsite day-care centre.
If the daycare giver happens to be easy on the eyes, so what? - David you are obsessed.
- What? - Pornographic.
Deviant.
- At least i'm keeping up with the times.
I don't need your help.
A daycare centre's fine.
How can we not be concerned for the welfare of the corporate offspring? Why are they talking at the same time? It's called chemistry.
Those women are concerned with one thing only.
Giving, giving, giving.
- Out.
- Wait a minute.
You want me to get out? I try and lend a helping hand around here and do i get as much as a thank you? No.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Disappear, evaporate, dissolve.
With pleasure.
Pleasure's that big blonde thing in the mini skirt.
David addison, i have something else to say to you.
Baby hayes.
Something the matter? Did the noise scare you? Baby hayes, i can tell something's bothering you.
Tell me what's wrong.
That's what divine emissaries are for.
Well, don't take this the wrong way but i don't think i like my parents.
- Oh, come now you don't mean that.
- Yes, i do.
I just don't like them.
Well, that's a shame because they're both going to be sensational parents.
Really.
I know.
I've seen some of the future episodes.
Well, i don't care.
I just don't like them.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Do you know how many babies would give the diaper off their bum to have maddie and david for parents? It's the fighting, isn't it? But baby hayes, that wasn't a fight, that was them.
That's what maddie and david do.
What they've always done.
That was - a fight.
- No.
Let me tell you about those two.
They're old souls.
They've been around for centuries.
I've brought them into the world at least a dozen times myself.
And it's always the same, they meet, they fall in love they spend their lives doing this strange little tango together.
Let me show you something.
Maddie and david's last trip through the world.
And i don't /ik e you.
Oh, yeah.
Then why are you sti// here ta/king to me? Here i am, mrs.
Adams.
- Thought you said you didn't /ik e me.
- I don't.
We//, then you gonna te// me to go away.
I don't hear anything.
I sti// don't hear anything.
I'm confused.
I sti// don't hear anything.
They always do this? Always.
If they didn't love each other, they won't keep coming back for more.
Lucky you weren't born a hundred years earlier the doors were heavier then and made a lot more racket.
Let me show you what i mean.
For 'tis p/ain to any foo/ that it be night and not day.
Day it is if thy husband says it be so.
Perhaps to a wife b/inded by /ove, but mine eyes see c/ear.
Love or no, i be thy /iege and thy /ord that bring home the bacon and provided thee with a roof over they thick sku//.
And for that, by the gods, if i say the moon be the sun than to you good wife, it sha// be so.
Good wife i am in name on/y, good husband.
Thus it is the moon and 'tis the moon no matter what thee said.
'Tis the sun or no s/eep for thee.
'Tis the moon and to bed i'm away.
- The sun.
- The moon.
- The sun.
- The moon! Hope they /ik e these jok es on the moon because that's where you're going.
I wi// not stand for this.
- You wi// not stand.
- This, my cast/e.
- King.
King.
- Some king.
Not even a vassa/ to command in his cast/e.
- 'Tis the moon i choose to see.
- I'// teach you.
- In there i choose to s/eep.
- On your honeymoon, you s/eep there without me unti/ i say otherwise.
- Understand it.
Fine.
- Understand it.
Fine.
Well, why does it have to be like that, always so complicated? No one's sure.
There are a lot of theories though.
Perhaps maddie's afraid that she loves david more than he loves her.
David's afraid of the same thing.
Since they're afraid of being hurt by the other, they act like they don't care.
But deep down they really do care.
Oh, yes, a great deal.
Come in.
- Look, maddie l - david, l you first.
Look, david, i know you probably meant well.
- I might have gotten carried away.
- Might have.
I figured we need somebody to backstop ''mama-rama'' here and if we brighten up the landscape.
What the hay.
What the hay.
You know something.
Whoever the little critter is that gets you for a mom is one lucky bambino.
Or a bambina.
I think you get the idea.
We should be getting back.
Oh, what is that? I don't know but it feels like handball.
Yes, yes.
I think you and david and maddie have a great deal to look - see you after lunch, miss dipesto.
- Okey-dokey.
Damn.
- Double or nothing.
- Pay up.
Herbert.
What are you and macgilicuddy torturing each other about? Nothing, my dear.
Just enjoying a friendly round of water cooler roulette.
Your luck is about to run out, bucko.
Not before your bank account.
Why does it always go on my turn? I need 8.
1 7 from you for miss hayes' baby shower.
I bet that weasel's got this thing rigged.
- Herbert.
- I'm sorry.
What? I need 8.
1 7, your share of the baby gift.
Oh, jeez.
Agnes.
I'm sorry i'm tapped out.
Yeah, i know.
I'll cover your share.
Don't get to chez jay later than 7 p.
M or you'll ruin the surprise.
Listen.
I've been meaning to say something.
I can't make it.
- What? - I've got other plans.
- You what? - Got other plans? Miss hayes is having a baby.
This office is giving her a shower and you're going to be there with bells on.
No, i'm not.
Yes, you are.
If you think i'm going to that shower, you're all wet.
Herbert, why are you being like this? - Like what? - Like this.
This is unreasonable.
Did it ever occur to you that i might have a perfectly valid reason for not attending this function.
- Let's hear it.
All right.
You see, the plain truth of the matter is and i am being brutally frank and frankly brutal.
But the fact is, that i become extremely uncomfortable around women who are in a family way.
Pregnant.
And the thought of spending an entire evening, never mind the 8.
1 7 where the principal topic of conversation will be the whole prospect is too hideous even to contemplate.
You're jealous that women can do something you can't.
Oh, yeah.
I really feel cheated out of morning sickness followed by unfathomable pain which leads to years of being chewed, spit, leaked and pooped on.
No.
No.
Agnes.
Some people are meant to have children.
Your mother, for example.
But me l'd be a flop as a pop.
How can you say that unless you've tried.
Fatherhood isn't something you experiment with.
The responsibility is simply too awesome.
I mean, suppose i did have a kid.
What if i didn't like it or it didn't like me? What if we didn't bond? Oh, herbert.
You're such a worrywart.
You're right, you're right, i am and do l we want to pass along a genetic weakness like that? No.
No, the only honourable thing to do is just chlorinate the gene pool.
Yeah, well it wouldn't be just your gene pool.
Who's to say your oddball genes would be the ones to carry the day.
I mean a baby doesn't have to be the worst parts of two people.
I've always kind of believed that it's usually the best.
And what baby wouldn't want to have your wit.
My wit.
- Do you think i'm witty? - The wittiest and your good looks.
I've never thought of that.
I could really get into your genes herbert quentin viola.
And i yours.
What time? Where? Seven p.
m.
Chez jay, with bells on.
Jerk.
Thank you.
Oh, broccoli.
Lunchtime.
Oh, i trust you had a pleasant sleep.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, i did.
I was dreaming of me mother and father.
Don't look now, pal but i think i'm going to like this life stuff.
Splendid, that will make this next bit of business easier.
What are you talking about? Unfortunately, your parents are not the only people in the world.
There's a planet of people you'll be sharing your lifetime with not all will be as loving as your mother and father.
I don't get it.
Bear with me, baby hayes.
Even though i work in the service of the creator there are some things, some choices that even i don't understand.
What do you mean? Like what? Look into your heart, baby hayes.
No, no, no.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes and look into your heart.
What do you see? I don't know.
Some light places and some dark places.
Indeed.
Good and evil, that's what you see.
That's what you're looking at.
The creator has chosen, for reasons i won't pretend to understand to endow each man with a heart capable of divine goodness and extraordinary evil.
It's a choice, a choice each person makes on his own but whatever choice a person makes has an impact on the rest of the world.
Open your eyes.
From the moment life began until this moment now men have embraced evil with a ferociousness unexpected by even the creator.
The capacity to destroy, hurt, maim and even kill, flies in the face of everything one might reasonably expect of human behaviour.
Greed, lust, jealousy, hatred, stupidity, anger.
These are the fuels of a wayward heart and they are in abundant supply in the world you're about to enter.
But remember, not only are maddie and david your parents but all men and women are your brothers and sisters and the world is all your collective home.
And now you may really open your eyes.
Do you understand what i just said to you, shown you? That's all right.
We'll go to a commercial now.
- Don't these people know? - Surprise.
Congratulations.
Oh, you're awesome.
What's that? That? That's the sound of happiness.
The last and often the most elusive component of this business we call life.
Oh, i don't think i'm too crazy about this life thing any more.
Happiness isn't something you see it's something you feel.
Your first kiss, your first christmas, learning to swim, catching a ball being able to read the sunday funnies all by yourself.
The first time you hear '' i love you.
'' The first time you feel moved to say it yourself.
Well, it's a whole list of things too long to mention.
And a feeling that is impossible to sum up.
But it is something that you almost always feel if you are just willing to do the little bit of work required.
What might that be? Feel.
It's what you're doing right now.
You're scared and anxious.
Well, that's good, that's human.
It's testimony to the fact that you're ready.
Testimony to the fact that everything is turning out as it should.
Feel.
It's the ultimate gift and the ultimate responsibility and the key to the ultimate reward, happiness.
It's getting kind of hot in here.
Doesn't feel quite as comfortable in here as it used to, does it? No.
It's kind of cramped.
It's getting dark too.
The dance is that way, young man and it's your turn to cut a rug.
I've never been wrong about a new soul yet.
It's going to be a wonderful life.
I'm afraid i've got a beam of light to catch.
Goodbye, baby hayes.
Will i ever see you again? Not for a while.
You've got a life to live first.
What about afterwards? What happens then? That, my friend, is a secret.
Yes? Oh, my.
What? What? Call the doctor.
Call an ambulance.
Stay back.
Everybody stay back.
Are you all right, honey? I'll come see you when i'm through here.
What's going on? Where did the happiness music go? What's that sound? A change is beginning, that's all.
Change, what change? David and maddie are no longer destined to be your parents.
What? - David and maddie are no longer - why? I don't know why.
These are decisions made by the creator.
There's no need to be alarmed.
Nothing drastic, happens all the time, everything is proceeding at pace.
You're still going to be born, only to a different mother and father.
You want an answer and i can't give you one.
There are reasons.
Perhaps these people weren't quite ready to be parents perhaps the world wasn't quite ready for this particular family perhaps there's a greater wisdom at work here than mine.
We simply have to trust it and count our blessings.
What blessings? Oh, the gift of life, for one.
You're still going to be born, all souls are born.
Never lost one during a last-minute shuffle yet.
But i love them.
And they would have loved you.
But your new parents you know who they are? There are two potential families being considered and, yes, i know them both.
- Wonderful people, terribly popular.
- Who are they? Depending on what happens in the next few weeks you're destined to be either kirk cameron's little brother or bill cosby's grandchild.
Really? Keep the cosby thing under your hat.
They're self-conscious about the whole pregnancy business.
What about maddie and david? Are they fine.
They are going to be just fine.
Time has a way of healing these kinds of wounds.
Sometimes a love goes stronger.
There really is a reason for these things, you know.
I'm not sure i believe you now.
Well, i haven't lied to you so far, have i? What choice have you got? You can sit around all day feeling colicky or you can grab your coat and get your hat.
What? Grab your coat and get your hat leave your worries on the doorstep come on, we've got to move you to a new womb.
Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street can't you hear that pitter-pat? That happy tune is your step life can be so sweet on the sunny side of the street check this out.
All right.
Come on.
Kid, you can do it.
Right behind you, pop.
I used to wa/k in the shade with those b/ues on parade not bad, jerry.
But i'm not afraid - scared? - Nope.
This rover crossed over - lf i never have a cent - lf i never have a cent - i'd be rich as rock efe//er - i'd be rich as rock efe//er - go/d dust at my feet - go/d dust at my feet - on the sunny - on the sunny - on the sunny - on the sunny - on the sunny - on the sunny - sunny side of the street - sunny side of the street - bill cosby, huh? - Lf you play your cards right.
I can't help thinking that this happened because of something i did or didn't do.
Maybe i should have taken better care of myself.
Don't beat yourself up like this.
You took good care of yourself.
You did great.
You did great.
This is a really terrible thing.
I'm just so glad you're okay.
I was so scared when l just glad you're okay.
Why couldn't it have worked out? I don't know.
It just wasn't meant to be.
It's probably better this way.
I mean, can you imagine me trying to be a mother? Me trying to be a father.
You would have made a great father eventually.
Lousy husband though.
But a great dad.
I don't think i'll ever be the same.
- I don't think we'll ever be the same.
- We'll be all right.
And you're gonna be all right.
It's going to be hard to leave.
- Alone.
- You're not gonna be alone.
I'm gonna be right here with you.
I'm not going anywhere.
Okay? Well, how's the patient? I'd like to change place with just about anyone right now.
I'm sorry.
I know how tough this has been on both of you but the good news is the two of you can start trying again real soon.
Life could be so sweet jerome.
On the sunny jerome.
Sunny side of the street don't you know any other songs?