New Girl s05e01 Episode Script

Last spring, I knelt, as I do now, and altered both of our lives forever.
And ever since then, I'm sure you've been wondering when I was gonna make this part official.
Nicholas Miller, will you do me the honor of being my best man? Oh, hey.
I'm glad you're up.
I've got something important to ask you.
- I'm ready.
- Would you Hold on a second.
I need coffee.
Here's one.
Aw.
Thanks.
Mmm.
Mmm.
This just all feels so sudden that, uh - I don't know what to say.
- Just say yes.
Well, I want to say yes.
I really do.
But I'm sorry.
I'm just not there.
I think that you are there.
But I think it scares the hell out of you.
In my heart, I don't know if I'm your best man.
Nick I need you to get there.
Do you want to be my maid of honor? Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes! Blindsided?! How the heck you gonna feel blindsided?! We've been best friends ever since college! Are you snickering? Za-zam! Was it worth it? Oh, it was worth it.
Would've paid double.
All right, get up.
You stupid bastard.
Come here.
Of course I'll be your best man! All right! These rings are the first of a dozen accessories that are gonna unify the bridal party.
As you can see from my preliminary vision board, our wedding will borrow equally from the holy trinity of Liz Taylor, Jackie O and The Power Gays.
- Oh, I'm scared.
- You should be.
Guys, look at us.
A year ago, we were spinning around like cows in the movie Twister.
Now look at us.
You guys are engaged.
You're a minority owner of the bar.
I'm the maid of honor who's made of honor.
That joke works better on paper.
- Yeah, probably.
- And this guy is the cop who freaking saved a freaking kid's life.
Help! - I'm stuck! - Hey! Help! Thanks, Officer.
- Call an ambulance.
- I feel fine.
For me! You know, Channel 4 is calling me the Carport Hero.
I just I just really hope it sticks.
It's not a big deal.
This is our year.
The Chinese zodiac says it's the Year of the Monkey.
I say it's the Year of Us It's the Year It's the Year Of Us Us Thanks so much for your help, Jess.
She is she is alarmingly in the dark.
Maybe it's a cultural thing.
You know, we saw the British coming.
India did not.
Are you nervous to meet Cece's mom? No.
Cece said her mom is really excited that her sexy little bronco has finally met a cowboy that can tame her.
Paraphrasing.
And I'm really excited to meet the woman that Cece came out of.
Not paraphrasing.
I like your confidence.
Meeting Big Mama P is huge.
Her approval means everything to Cece.
Mom, this is my new friend, Jess.
Secretly, she's a romantic, 'cause she used to be a Bollywood dancer and Mr.
P's parents forbid them from marrying.
Hot.
Continue.
When they saw her perform, they were so moved, they gave their blessing.
Dance can be so powerful sometimes.
Ugh, don't I know it.
That's why I booked L.
A.
's premier Bollywood dance troupe, - MaHotMoves Gandhi.
- MaHotMoves Gandhi.
She's gonna love you.
I gotcha.
Okay.
I'm gonna go check on the best man.
I'm sure he's handling whatever task you gave him just fine.
He's so bad at everything! Look, he's just one of those rare heterosexual men who does not have a knack for wedding planning.
I'll never understand men like that.
I can't pick up Cece's mom from the airport! It's too much pressure.
You said I only had to do the easy best man stuff.
You're picking someone up from the airport in a car.
Not outer space in a canoe.
It is easy, Nick.
- Then why don't you do it? - I can't pick her up.
Tonight is one of the most important nights of my hair's life, and I need a shampoo.
Not a cut.
They'll try and cut it, but I won't let them.
Getting a day-of cut would be insane.
Unless, of course, Julian's working.
Julian won't be working though.
You keep fireworks in your car? What are you, a little Chinese boy? - He's your carport hero, baby - Carport hero, baby - He can take away your pain - Stand by you forever He can take Your breath away.
Stop treating me like this, okay? I'm no different from anyone else.
Officer Bishop, it is an honor to live in your building, sir.
That's Glen, too, man.
Glen hates everybody.
Glen flips off kids.
Guys, look, quit it, okay? you're treating me like I'm special, and I'm not.
It's me.
Winnie the Bish! The Bish with the wish! And my wish is to have fun! Which is exactly why I'm not gonna confiscate the fireworks behind your back.
Yeah, you got me, Officer Bishop.
You can have it.
I also want you to have this Jesus wig.
- You know, wigs aren't illegal.
- I know.
But I think it would look awesome on you.
- So do I.
- Put it on.
Fine.
- Whoa.
Whoa! - Whoa.
Whoa! - Beautiful! - Winston, you look so handsome.
- Oh, my God.
- It looks even better than I thought.
Flight 262 from Mumbai, your luggage is now arriving at baggage claim 2.
Yes! Yes! - Take five.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
So, I just got a voice mail from my mom, 'cause she is at the airport.
Did you did you fly her in for the party? Yes.
Yeah, I did.
It was supposed to be a surprise, but Are you so happy? Oh, excuse me.
- Oh, it's just um - Hey, Nick.
Hey, Jess.
Guess who did it.
Me.
I got Cece's mom.
I was even on time.
Really? You can speak with her? How? What are you talking about? No, Jess, I-I need to talk to you now.
Um, okay.
I got to go.
Jess says hi! Do you prefer the windows down or the AC? Wow, you look just like Cece! Yeah.
It's amazing, yeah.
I own it myself.
White zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.
What is going on? Whatever it is, it can't be that bad.
Jess, I haven't told my mom that I'm getting married.
Okay.
Okay.
It's gonna be fine, 'cause I'm your maid of honor, and I will be there with you tonight every step of the way.
'Cause this is the Year of, of Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, Jess! Oh! Oh! I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.
The doctor said I'll be good as new in no time.
I know I don't look like somebody who should be questioning somebody else's judgment, but maybe you should have told your mom you were getting married.
I know.
I'm just so worried that she is not gonna like Schmidt.
And then she won't give us her blessing which would kill me.
Oh, she'll love him when she meets him.
Schmidt is not exactly what my mom had imagined for me.
You know, she wanted someone maybe not so white? Oh, he is so white.
Remember when the power went out, and we put him in the window to keep the planes away? What is Schmidt gonna think when he finds out? We are gonna get her blessing, or I'm not your maid of H.
Those stairs may have broken my body, And with that, I rise.
Honey, you're not You just need to Yeah, relax.
Okay.
You definitely can't go to this party.
I got to go and tell him.
I got to go tell him before she gets there.
I'll call Nick, and I'll have him stall her.
Okay.
I don't think I can.
You have no idea how anxious this woman is to get to the party.
No, no, no, I told you, we're not there yet.
You got to stay plugged in.
You're such a pill.
Well, just take her to the mall, get her some soft serve.
Be sure to save your receipts.
I'll reimburse you from the party fund.
Got to go.
Mrs.
Parikh, can you keep a secret? I'm going to kill this soft serve nonsense.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna play laser tag! What are you doing?! We're gonna play laser tag! It's a fun American game! It's a fun game! Groomsmen! Yeah.
Mmm.
Ah.
Love each and every one of you sons of bitches.
Now, who are you? I'm Groomsman Number Two.
Big Schmidt, Schmidt's cousin.
I'm Robby, Groomsman Number Four.
I am the ex-boyfriend of the bride, and a weirdly close friend of the groom.
I'm Number Five, J.
Cronkite Valley-Forge.
CFO of Associated Strategies, LLC.
I'm 62 years of age, was recently widowed, and I believe earnestly that if we can all work together this wedding season, we will get more boom-boom than a TNT factory.
Yeah! Thank you for your time.
Thank you for your time.
I have a brief statement from G3, who could not make it here tonight.
It says, "Dear Jess, I can't fly in for every damn party.
"I will see you at the wedding.
" If you know Coach, that's exactly how he - "Wedding.
" - Yeah, yeah.
And then he always goes, "Coach.
" Now, me, myself, I am Winston Bishop.
Officer Winston Bishop? The Winston Bishop? The Carport Hero? I knew it was you.
I saw you on TV, man.
Officer, you make me want to be a better man.
I'm gonna stop, uh, peeing in my ex-wife's mailbox.
No, seriously, everybody, calm down.
Act normal around me.
I'm a fun guy.
I do pranks.
Uh, Cece's last wedding? The badger that fell down and almost killed a bunch of people that was me! I'm Prank Sinatra, baby! Old Brown Eyes.
Ain't no prank like a badger prank, because a badger prank got badgers, and it's dangerous as hell! Ms.
Parikh.
Who are you? Oh.
My goodness.
Of course.
I must be completely unrecognizable to you from the countless photos you must have seen.
In honor of your visit, I stood the humble recipient of a professional shampoo.
So you're the man who's marrying my daughter? Sure am.
No wonder she didn't tell me that she was engaged.
Oh.
Oh, no, then.
I'm assuming she was afraid I would disapprove.
- But now that you've met me - I disapprove.
Strong disapprove.
Let's take a moment to applaud your daughter's instincts.
No, no, no.
Look, Schmidt.
Mom.
I'm sorry.
I can explain everything.
Presenting Cece's mom! - Except for that.
- I'm her mom.
- You're her mom? - That's my mom.
- Then who are you?! - Not her mom.
That's her mom! A dumb little boy you are! Yeah.
Hello.
So, does Cece's mom love Schmidt, or what? Which Cece's mom? The real one or the one I may have kidnapped? Th-The real one? Anything for Officer Bishop! The Carport Hero! Thanks, Glen.
Sorry to army crawl into your home like that.
We come from a country of 400 million men.
Let's say half of them are no good.
Another half, very ugly.
That's still 100 million eligible men.
Sure, ten percent are gay.
Puts us at 90 million men.
Ms.
Parikh, I love Cece.
Cut it in half again just for fun.
- Cece, when were you gonna tell her? - I'm sorry.
On our wedding day when we were standing beneath our custom hybrid mandap-chuppah? I'm so sorry.
I just I wanted the moment to be right.
I'm sorry.
We meet again.
Hello! Is anyone here?! Jess? Winston! Oh, thank God! I need your help.
Hey, Jess, let me ask you something.
Uh, I'm a fun guy, right? I mean, I have a way about me.
Winston, look at me, look around.
Does your thing seem important now? You're the Carport Hero.
Now I need your help.
No more Carport Hero! Tonight, I'm Prank Sinatra.
No.
No! You didn't play a prank You are the worst prankster in the world! Every prank you do turns out either too big What is it? Did you register me as a sex offender? or too small.
How'd this blueberry get in here? I don't You should have saw your face! He did not see that coming.
Just like no one's gonna see what's coming tonight.
Nothing should be coming tonight.
I'm sorry, Jess.
The fuse has already been lit.
The lion has spotted the gazelle.
The doo-doo is already mid-flight to the fan.
The silly hounds have been released.
I repeat: the silly hounds have been released.
Just take me to Cece and Schmidt, please.
I did a prank.
I did a Oh.
I hope the scooter fits in the elevator.
There's an elevator? I'm trying to find out where to return you.
You have pepper spray? Why didn't you use that on me? All right, I'll talk to you later.
Well, Cece's mom hates me.
Like Jay Z, I have 99 problems.
But unlike Jay Z, I have zero caveats.
I know, and I'm sorry.
Okay? I'm sorry I screwed up my easy job.
And stop being so mean to me, or I swear to God I'm gonna fall in love with you! Where you going? Come back.
Let me make it up to you.
I know that I said I wanted the easy job.
But screw that.
I'm the best man, Schmidty.
I want the hard jobs.
I can handle it.
So what do we got? What do we need? We're past hard at this point.
We're well into impossible.
It's an unfixable situa Schmidt, I did not just drive to watch you give up.
Especially not In the Year of Us.
Look at yourself.
Look around us.
- Maybe this isn't our year.
- I have a plan.
And whatever it is, I'm in.
I got this guy's back.
Don't think we actually need - I know, but I'm in, is what I'm saying.
- That I mean Whatever it is, I want in.
- Okay, whatever.
- I want in.
- Schmidt, how important is this to you? - Have I made that clear? - That I want to be, like, a third.
- You can be in.
You're in.
- You're in.
- Thanks.
That's all I wanted her to say.
Are you willing to do whatever it takes? Of course.
I also didn't love the tone that, like, "I'm in, but who cares that I'm in?" Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention please? I'm Jessica Day.
I'm the maid of honor, but when I fell down the stairs, I wished I was made of rubber.
Uh This one goes out to the secret romantic in the audience.
Just a little reminder that love conquers all.
Follow me, follow me.
Follow me! Think they're all really friends? You know, I mean, when the dancing day is done? Hey.
That was great.
Fantastic.
Wonderful.
Where'd she go? Mrs.
Parikh? Please, wait.
Stop.
Look.
It was my idea.
I thought we could sway you with the power of dance.
You really think a dance is all it takes? Mom, I know that Schmidt is not what you imagined.
Or what I imagined.
I never thought I would fall for the slim-hipped ghost of Tom Cruise.
None of us did.
Quiet, Chair.
But I love him.
He makes me so happy, and I'm gonna marry him.
I will not give my blessing.
Cece, Schmidt Oh, God.
Crunch.
Ah Shoot me.
You have my blessing.
You have my blessing, too.
Mine, too.
Oh, come on, Not-Cece's mom.
That would've been awesome.
It was a natural three.
You got to finish.
We'll get her on board.
I promise.
Oh, she's gonna get hers.
No, no, Winston, no.
What did you do? No pranks.
Such bad timing.
Hey, Mrs.
Parikh.
Check your shoe.
Tickle foot! I put a feather in your shoe! Too small, dude.
Way too small.
I've revised my vision.
Honey, without my mom's help, I don't think we can afford to parachute the rabbi in.
Well, that's why I've pared it down to only the things that matter.
That's great.
We can throw a wedding on a budget.
This is our year.
We can do anything.
Now, who's gonna take me to the john? - Not it! - Really? - You're the only girl here.
- I can't.
It hurts my back.
Who keeps giving her juice? You're in a senility scooter; use a diaper! And it took a long time To find you But I finally found you.
That's a good tickle.
Oh.
Easy, Winnie.