NewsRadio (1995) s05e01 Episode Script
Bill Moves On
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Okay, I-- I-- Well.
As far as memorial services go, I thought that was very nice.
Yeah.
Very nice.
It's nice.
Yes, it was.
The flowers sure were beautiful.
Yeah, yeah, very nice.
Pretty.
Oh, you know that arrangement they had of-of roses that was shaped like a broken heart? Yeah? Was that, um, supposed to be because Bill died of a heart attack or--? No.
No, Matthew, that was me.
I-I-I sat on it in the limo.
Oh.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, the irony of that would have made Bill laugh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He woulda been all, "Hey, look, it's a broken heart "because I was sitting home watching television and I had a heart attack and died.
" Or something like that, you know.
Dave looked great, didn't he? Yeah, he looked fabulous.
Didn't he? You know, he put a lot of work into that eulogy of his.
Yeah, a lot of work.
Nice work.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Was it just me, or did Dave's eulogy really suck? Totally sucked.
It sucked.
I think, maybe, Dave wanted the eulogy to be so good.
He just tried a little too hard and lost perspective.
Is that why it was two hours and 17 minutes long? You counted? Well, I had to do something to stay awake.
Poor Dave.
Matthew, what are you doing? I'm just arranging, you know, a cup of coffee the way the way Bill liked it.
We used to play this game where if I didn't get him a fresh cup of coffee before the meeting was over, he'd get so mad at me.
Good times, good times.
Well, lookie here.
Hey, Dave.
Hello, everyone.
Your eulogy was the best.
Thanks, but it really wasn't.
Oh, no, it was-- It was totally comprehensive.
It didn't suck at all.
Look, um You guys chose me to speak on behalf of all of us.
I know that I blew it, and you have every right to be angry.
[ALL MUTTERING DISAGREEMENTS.]
What the hell are you doing? Guys, I-I-I said I understand your anger, all right? Dave, Dave, Dave, it's not about the eulogy.
It's just that Matthew got a cup of coffee as a symbolic gesture for Bill and you-- [.]
A re you guys busy? No, no, no, no.
In fact, uh, I was telling Dave uh, how great I thought his eulogy was.
Why don't you tell him now? Right.
Okay.
Yeah, Dave, I really, really, really, really, really, really really, really liked it.
Yeah, um, anyway, ho-how you doing? Are you all right? Honestly, Dave, I don't know.
I just feel-- Oh, who am I kidding? I've never felt better.
How so? Well, okay, between you and me, Bill's really not dead.
Uh, Matthew.
This is all part of his secret plan which he didn't tell anybody except me.
His secret plan.
Right.
See, Bill always said that someday when the time was right, he was gonna drop out of society and move up to Afghanistan and start a boat-chartering company.
You see? You see? So Bill did it.
He finally made his-his-his little dream a reality.
Yeah.
You're right.
Uh, yeah, I guess I guess he really pulled it off, huh? Yes, he did.
Yes, he did.
But I read his book.
Yes.
Yes, you did.
You magnificent bastard.
Yes.
You know, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
Keep this between you and me, okay? Oh, I promise it won't-- It won't leave this room.
Dave.
Uh-huh.
I think, uh, we have a little bit of a problem.
I think Matthew just-- Oh, I know.
He told me about Bill opening up a boat-chartering company in Afghanistan.
Oh.
He told me it was a scuba-diving school in Nepal.
And right about now, I bet Bill's just tooling around some lake up in the Himalayas in his own private submarine.
Right about now, it's about 3:00 in the morning in Katmandu.
Well, in that case, he's probably sound asleep, which is nice, too.
Matthew, can I talk to you just for a few minutes? Sure, Lisa.
What up? You know what? I bet he put the sub on auto-pilot.
That way, he'd catch a few winks before the sun comes up.
Yes.
You know, I hope the air isn't too thin for him up there in the Himalayas.
It is.
It is.
If you take the submarine down to the right depth, it all evens out.
Right.
No problem.
Anyways, um, Lisa? Huh? You wanted to talk to me? What up? Oh, yes.
Just one second, though, because first I'd like to talk to Beth.
And Mr.
James, and Joe, in here.
Alone.
Now.
I am really very afraid of what's going to happen to him when he finally realizes that Bill is gone.
He's probably just having a weird reaction.
I'm sure we all had weird reactions when we found out.
I know I did.
Yeah? What'd you do? Went over my parent's house at 3 in the morning and climbed into bed with them.
Like I used to do when I was a kid.
That's not so weird.
My mom didn't think so, but that was the first time I met her new husband.
He was a little uptight.
Nice guy? Yeah, pretty much.
You know.
He snores too much, but I put a stop to that.
What about you, Mr.
James? I was at home when I got the call.
I mean, the whole situation, heh, got me so angry and confused I sort of punched a hole in the wall.
Did you hurt yourself? No, no, it was just drywall.
Even though, I specifically told my contractor to use concrete.
So, of course that made me angrier.
So I, you know, went outside.
I saw the landscaper's backhoe and I kinda, sorta drove through one side of my house and out the other.
So basically you kinda destroyed that house you've been building for three years.
Yeah, yeah, pretty much.
I mean, thank God.
Thank God I had that tree fort built or I'd, uh, be sleeping on the street right now.
Wow, all I did was go for a really long walk.
Where'd you go? I don't know.
I mean, all over the city, I guess.
And then somehow I ended up standing outside Bill's apartment building, and-- I wanted to make sure he was really gone, you know.
So I figured out which window was his and then I just started yelling, you know, "Bill.
Hey, Bill.
" And then what happened? Well, finally someone opened their window and yelled down, "Shut the hell up, you crazy bitch.
" That's just what Bill woulda done.
Yeah.
I know.
And that just made me think, you know, his spirit lives on in others.
That's sweet.
Uh, what about you, Lisa? Oh, mine's boring.
I-I just got drunk.
Then what? Then I went to sleep.
And what'd you do when you woke up? I got drunk again.
And then I pretty much stayed drunk for, like, three days or four days.
You know, it was a little weird for me, but-- You're drunk right now, aren't you? No.
No, Beth.
I think after four days, I've pretty much gotten it out of my system.
You guys, I am not drunk.
JIMMY: Oh, sure.
I am not drunk.
I am fine.
You're fine.
I am fine.
Don't get belligerent with me.
little lady.
I'm just not drunk.
Come on.
I would not come to work Drunk.
That's just sad.
[.]
Hey, Dave.
What you up to? Uh, just re-editing Bill's eulogy.
You think we're gonna bury him again, son? Mr.
James, If Dave finds it cathartic to work on the eulogy, more power to him.
Cathartic.
Oh, that's a big word for a pie-eyed drunk.
I am not drunk, okay? I am not drunk.
I was drunk.
Yes, I was drunk for four straight days, maybe five.
But I am no longer drunk.
And besides, I seem to remember the two of you throwing back more than a few at the wake.
At the what? At the wake.
At Bill's wake.
Lisa? What? We didn't have a wake for Bill.
Heh.
Right.
Oh.
Well, then, whosever wake it was that I went to yesterday, that was a very good, healthy, healing way to celebrate Bill's life.
Or whose ever life it was.
Excuse me.
You know what's bothering me? What? Well, that no one can bring themselves to tell me to my face that the eulogy sucked.
Well, maybe it didn't.
Bill woulda told me.
Well, that's true.
Even if it was the most eloquent and moving eulogy ever delivered Bill still would have told me.
And you enjoyed that? No, not particularly, but, you know, but I kind of got used to it.
And, you know, now that he's, you know, not here to do it anymore.
It just makes you miss him more.
Yeah, it really does.
Dave, your eulogy sucked.
You're just saying that to make me feel better.
No, I didn't.
If that eulogy had gone on one minute longer, it would have been yours.
That's very sweet, sir.
Thank you.
No, seriously, Dave.
The eulogy sucked.
No.
Really.
You don't need to do this.
It was really, really bad.
Sir, I know you're trying to be nice.
No, I'm not.
I-I-It was the worst thing I've ever been to.
No.
Sir, you just don't-- [.]
Oh, good, everyone's here.
Uh, well, I-I have two surprises for everyone today.
The first one comes all the way from London, England.
Ladies and gentlemen, Catherine Duke.
[ALL CHEERING.]
It's good to see you.
Oh, I caught the first red-eye.
Hey, sweet thing.
Oh, Dave, I'm so sorry.
I missed your eulogy.
Oh, that's all right.
It's okay.
It's available on four 90-minute cassettes.
It sucked.
It was really bad.
BETH: It was long and dull, Dave.
Thanks, everybody.
Thanks.
Uh, the second surprise is that, uh, apparently, Bill asked his lawyer to deliver this envelope to me if anything was to happen to him.
And I wasn't supposed to open it till we were all gathered so let's see what it is.
All right.
I'm supposed to read this aloud.
Now here we go.
"Dear Everyone, If Dave is reading this to you, "I have either been fired or I have passed away.
"Since my formidable talent would preclude the former, "I'll have to assume that the latter is true.
Someone please explain that one to Matthew later.
" I don't get it.
I'll explain it to you later, dude.
Thank you.
He continues: "I know this is strange, "but I just wanted to make sure "that my final wishes are observed.
"Wish number one: I wish I weren't dead.
Jimmy, get your best people on this if you would.
" Uh.
"Ha-ha, just kidding.
" Ha! "Attached, please find, uh, envelopes "containing personal notes for everyone.
"Please have them distributed to the appropriate parties.
"Matthew seems like the ablest man for this very challenging task.
" I'm on it.
Who's got--? [CHATTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey, why don't we read them out loud? You know-- Beth? Okay.
You start.
All right.
Uh.
"Dear Beth: I am sorry "about that time I said that your outfit "looked like something you fished out of the garbage can after the circus left town.
" You know, that's really the only thing he ever said that hurt my feelings.
No! What about that time when he said-- Please, Joe, just let me have the moment? Thank you.
"I meant it as a compliment, but somehow it came out wrong.
" That's very sweet.
"Dear Joe, "I'm sorry I intentionally broke the printer by my desk every Monday morning and made you fix it.
" I knew there was something was up with that printer.
"I only did it because I enjoyed hearing "your voluminous redactions "on the prior weekend's sporting events.
"On more than one occasion, you helped lull me "into my mid-morning nap.
"For that, I am eternally grateful.
Kudos.
The printer shouldn't give you much trouble anymore.
" [SNIFFS.]
I wonder if he knew how much I enjoyed fixing that printer? Oh, I think he did, big guy.
Sure.
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'll-- I'll go ahead.
"Dear Jimmy: What can I say? "The fact that you trusted me enough to share "a few of your deepest secrets with me means a lot.
"I only hope that someday you'll reveal "to the rest of the world the actual culprits behind the assassination of John F.
Ken--" Actually, this one's kind of personal, so I'll go ahead-- Okay.
Uh, "Dearest Lisa: "I'm sorry I was so obsessed "with what you might look like naked.
"I'm even more sorry that I never actually "got the chance to see you naked.
"Please think of me the next time you're naked "because if it is at all possible to become a ghost, "I will be there appreciating you in all of your naked splendor.
" Are you sure you don't have mine? It's mine, Matthew.
All right.
"Dear Matthew: I am dead.
"No matter what I may have told you about my secret plan, "do not get on an airplane "and fly around the world searching for me.
"Also, be assured that this is not just a further ruse to throw everyone off the track of my secret plan.
" Huh.
I'm sorry, Matthew-- Oh, "P.
S.
:" [CLEARS THROAT.]
"The crow flies at midnight.
" What does that mean? Nothing.
Never mind.
It's top secret.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay.
All right.
"David: I suppose I should say I'm sorry "for tormenting you so relentlessly, but I'm not.
"You enjoyed the game as much as I did, "and you gave as good as you got.
"I salute you, sir.
Salud.
"As for my eulogy, please make it as long and boring as is possible.
" Oh, well, see there? You did right by him.
"Anything less than three hours I will consider a colossal failure.
" Oh, Dave, you almost did right by him.
Uh, Catherine.
Well.
This is kind of personal.
Your turn.
Oh, no, no, no.
Go ahead, come on, read it.
Hey, hey, easy there, Lisa.
No one likes a sloppy drunk.
Come on, Catherine.
Go ahead, sweetie.
Okay, well, you asked for it.
"Dear Catherine: I'm sorry "we only slept together that one time.
"I found your love-making technique delicious, particularly the way you--" Just go ahead.
Read that.
Yeah.
Well, there is, uh-- There is another, uh, uh, note-- A note for all of us.
[SNIFFS.]
Uh.
"Anyhoo," he continues, "that about wraps it up for me.
" Um.
Uh, "Farewell, take care of each other, and I'll-- see you all when you get to wherever it is that I am now.
" That's it.
Um.
"Matthew, please collect these notes and burn them immediately.
" Yeah.
Oh, wait, wait.
There's some fine print here.
"P.
S.
: To liven up what I'm sure is an unnecessarily somber day, "I have taken the liberty of treating these notes with a flammable agent which should--" Joe, my office is on fire.
I'm on it.
[ALL SNIFFING AND SIGHING.]
You know what? That-that-- That's kind of nice.
Yeah, it is.
Too bad we don't, uh, have any marshmallows.
Well, I only have one.
Oh, God.
Thank you for everything, Bill.
Oh, uh, not just the stapler.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I think you know what I mean.
Hey, Matthew.
Okay, good night, Dave.
Good night.
Where's Bill's in/out tray? I don't know.
Hi-his tape dispenser? I don't know.
The stapler? Don't know.
Well, where's his coffee cup? In my pants.
Yeah.
I'm just taking it home for safekeeping, you know, in case Bill comes back and needs it.
Oh, and Dave? Uh-huh.
Um, between you and me, uh, Bill did not sneak away to some foreign country to start his own business.
You know, I was starting to suspect that myself.
But don't tell the others that he is actually dead, okay? Because I don't think they're ready to face the truth.
Yeah, okay, I promise.
And one more thing, Dave.
Uh-huh.
If, um, by some incredibly weird turn of events, Bill does come back, don't tell him I put his coffee mug in my pants.
No, no, no.
Good night, Matthew.
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Uh, here, you want his blotter? Um, I would actually rather have the Rolodex file if that's okay.
Yeah, sure.
H-H-How come? Thank you.
Um, because Bill always used to do this thing that really made me laugh.
On the front of the cards is everybody's name and address.
and stuff like that.
And then on the back was a sketch of what he thought they might look like naked.
Let me see yours.
Okay.
Here it is.
Lisa Miller.
Oh, but, wh-why did he draw you with a bikini? Oh, yeah.
Bill made that for me.
He made it out of a Post-it.
Look, it comes off.
Ah! Do you mean-- Don't take the bottom off.
Lisa? Yeah? Um, I know that, uh, that the eulogy was pretty bad, but did it-- Did it really suck? Um, I really couldn't tell you, Dave.
I've been drunk off my ass since 8:00 this morning.
Hello? Is anybody here? Okay, boys, come on in.
It's this one right over here.
Just, uh, take it downstairs.
Put it in the van.
Sir, if you want a desk, I know a guy-- Oh, no, no, thanks, thanks, thanks.
But, uh, I want this desk right here.
All right.
Let's go.
[WHISTLES.]
[.]
Are you okay? Yeah.
Okay, I-- I-- Well.
As far as memorial services go, I thought that was very nice.
Yeah.
Very nice.
It's nice.
Yes, it was.
The flowers sure were beautiful.
Yeah, yeah, very nice.
Pretty.
Oh, you know that arrangement they had of-of roses that was shaped like a broken heart? Yeah? Was that, um, supposed to be because Bill died of a heart attack or--? No.
No, Matthew, that was me.
I-I-I sat on it in the limo.
Oh.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, the irony of that would have made Bill laugh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He woulda been all, "Hey, look, it's a broken heart "because I was sitting home watching television and I had a heart attack and died.
" Or something like that, you know.
Dave looked great, didn't he? Yeah, he looked fabulous.
Didn't he? You know, he put a lot of work into that eulogy of his.
Yeah, a lot of work.
Nice work.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Was it just me, or did Dave's eulogy really suck? Totally sucked.
It sucked.
I think, maybe, Dave wanted the eulogy to be so good.
He just tried a little too hard and lost perspective.
Is that why it was two hours and 17 minutes long? You counted? Well, I had to do something to stay awake.
Poor Dave.
Matthew, what are you doing? I'm just arranging, you know, a cup of coffee the way the way Bill liked it.
We used to play this game where if I didn't get him a fresh cup of coffee before the meeting was over, he'd get so mad at me.
Good times, good times.
Well, lookie here.
Hey, Dave.
Hello, everyone.
Your eulogy was the best.
Thanks, but it really wasn't.
Oh, no, it was-- It was totally comprehensive.
It didn't suck at all.
Look, um You guys chose me to speak on behalf of all of us.
I know that I blew it, and you have every right to be angry.
[ALL MUTTERING DISAGREEMENTS.]
What the hell are you doing? Guys, I-I-I said I understand your anger, all right? Dave, Dave, Dave, it's not about the eulogy.
It's just that Matthew got a cup of coffee as a symbolic gesture for Bill and you-- [.]
A re you guys busy? No, no, no, no.
In fact, uh, I was telling Dave uh, how great I thought his eulogy was.
Why don't you tell him now? Right.
Okay.
Yeah, Dave, I really, really, really, really, really, really really, really liked it.
Yeah, um, anyway, ho-how you doing? Are you all right? Honestly, Dave, I don't know.
I just feel-- Oh, who am I kidding? I've never felt better.
How so? Well, okay, between you and me, Bill's really not dead.
Uh, Matthew.
This is all part of his secret plan which he didn't tell anybody except me.
His secret plan.
Right.
See, Bill always said that someday when the time was right, he was gonna drop out of society and move up to Afghanistan and start a boat-chartering company.
You see? You see? So Bill did it.
He finally made his-his-his little dream a reality.
Yeah.
You're right.
Uh, yeah, I guess I guess he really pulled it off, huh? Yes, he did.
Yes, he did.
But I read his book.
Yes.
Yes, you did.
You magnificent bastard.
Yes.
You know, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
Keep this between you and me, okay? Oh, I promise it won't-- It won't leave this room.
Dave.
Uh-huh.
I think, uh, we have a little bit of a problem.
I think Matthew just-- Oh, I know.
He told me about Bill opening up a boat-chartering company in Afghanistan.
Oh.
He told me it was a scuba-diving school in Nepal.
And right about now, I bet Bill's just tooling around some lake up in the Himalayas in his own private submarine.
Right about now, it's about 3:00 in the morning in Katmandu.
Well, in that case, he's probably sound asleep, which is nice, too.
Matthew, can I talk to you just for a few minutes? Sure, Lisa.
What up? You know what? I bet he put the sub on auto-pilot.
That way, he'd catch a few winks before the sun comes up.
Yes.
You know, I hope the air isn't too thin for him up there in the Himalayas.
It is.
It is.
If you take the submarine down to the right depth, it all evens out.
Right.
No problem.
Anyways, um, Lisa? Huh? You wanted to talk to me? What up? Oh, yes.
Just one second, though, because first I'd like to talk to Beth.
And Mr.
James, and Joe, in here.
Alone.
Now.
I am really very afraid of what's going to happen to him when he finally realizes that Bill is gone.
He's probably just having a weird reaction.
I'm sure we all had weird reactions when we found out.
I know I did.
Yeah? What'd you do? Went over my parent's house at 3 in the morning and climbed into bed with them.
Like I used to do when I was a kid.
That's not so weird.
My mom didn't think so, but that was the first time I met her new husband.
He was a little uptight.
Nice guy? Yeah, pretty much.
You know.
He snores too much, but I put a stop to that.
What about you, Mr.
James? I was at home when I got the call.
I mean, the whole situation, heh, got me so angry and confused I sort of punched a hole in the wall.
Did you hurt yourself? No, no, it was just drywall.
Even though, I specifically told my contractor to use concrete.
So, of course that made me angrier.
So I, you know, went outside.
I saw the landscaper's backhoe and I kinda, sorta drove through one side of my house and out the other.
So basically you kinda destroyed that house you've been building for three years.
Yeah, yeah, pretty much.
I mean, thank God.
Thank God I had that tree fort built or I'd, uh, be sleeping on the street right now.
Wow, all I did was go for a really long walk.
Where'd you go? I don't know.
I mean, all over the city, I guess.
And then somehow I ended up standing outside Bill's apartment building, and-- I wanted to make sure he was really gone, you know.
So I figured out which window was his and then I just started yelling, you know, "Bill.
Hey, Bill.
" And then what happened? Well, finally someone opened their window and yelled down, "Shut the hell up, you crazy bitch.
" That's just what Bill woulda done.
Yeah.
I know.
And that just made me think, you know, his spirit lives on in others.
That's sweet.
Uh, what about you, Lisa? Oh, mine's boring.
I-I just got drunk.
Then what? Then I went to sleep.
And what'd you do when you woke up? I got drunk again.
And then I pretty much stayed drunk for, like, three days or four days.
You know, it was a little weird for me, but-- You're drunk right now, aren't you? No.
No, Beth.
I think after four days, I've pretty much gotten it out of my system.
You guys, I am not drunk.
JIMMY: Oh, sure.
I am not drunk.
I am fine.
You're fine.
I am fine.
Don't get belligerent with me.
little lady.
I'm just not drunk.
Come on.
I would not come to work Drunk.
That's just sad.
[.]
Hey, Dave.
What you up to? Uh, just re-editing Bill's eulogy.
You think we're gonna bury him again, son? Mr.
James, If Dave finds it cathartic to work on the eulogy, more power to him.
Cathartic.
Oh, that's a big word for a pie-eyed drunk.
I am not drunk, okay? I am not drunk.
I was drunk.
Yes, I was drunk for four straight days, maybe five.
But I am no longer drunk.
And besides, I seem to remember the two of you throwing back more than a few at the wake.
At the what? At the wake.
At Bill's wake.
Lisa? What? We didn't have a wake for Bill.
Heh.
Right.
Oh.
Well, then, whosever wake it was that I went to yesterday, that was a very good, healthy, healing way to celebrate Bill's life.
Or whose ever life it was.
Excuse me.
You know what's bothering me? What? Well, that no one can bring themselves to tell me to my face that the eulogy sucked.
Well, maybe it didn't.
Bill woulda told me.
Well, that's true.
Even if it was the most eloquent and moving eulogy ever delivered Bill still would have told me.
And you enjoyed that? No, not particularly, but, you know, but I kind of got used to it.
And, you know, now that he's, you know, not here to do it anymore.
It just makes you miss him more.
Yeah, it really does.
Dave, your eulogy sucked.
You're just saying that to make me feel better.
No, I didn't.
If that eulogy had gone on one minute longer, it would have been yours.
That's very sweet, sir.
Thank you.
No, seriously, Dave.
The eulogy sucked.
No.
Really.
You don't need to do this.
It was really, really bad.
Sir, I know you're trying to be nice.
No, I'm not.
I-I-It was the worst thing I've ever been to.
No.
Sir, you just don't-- [.]
Oh, good, everyone's here.
Uh, well, I-I have two surprises for everyone today.
The first one comes all the way from London, England.
Ladies and gentlemen, Catherine Duke.
[ALL CHEERING.]
It's good to see you.
Oh, I caught the first red-eye.
Hey, sweet thing.
Oh, Dave, I'm so sorry.
I missed your eulogy.
Oh, that's all right.
It's okay.
It's available on four 90-minute cassettes.
It sucked.
It was really bad.
BETH: It was long and dull, Dave.
Thanks, everybody.
Thanks.
Uh, the second surprise is that, uh, apparently, Bill asked his lawyer to deliver this envelope to me if anything was to happen to him.
And I wasn't supposed to open it till we were all gathered so let's see what it is.
All right.
I'm supposed to read this aloud.
Now here we go.
"Dear Everyone, If Dave is reading this to you, "I have either been fired or I have passed away.
"Since my formidable talent would preclude the former, "I'll have to assume that the latter is true.
Someone please explain that one to Matthew later.
" I don't get it.
I'll explain it to you later, dude.
Thank you.
He continues: "I know this is strange, "but I just wanted to make sure "that my final wishes are observed.
"Wish number one: I wish I weren't dead.
Jimmy, get your best people on this if you would.
" Uh.
"Ha-ha, just kidding.
" Ha! "Attached, please find, uh, envelopes "containing personal notes for everyone.
"Please have them distributed to the appropriate parties.
"Matthew seems like the ablest man for this very challenging task.
" I'm on it.
Who's got--? [CHATTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey, why don't we read them out loud? You know-- Beth? Okay.
You start.
All right.
Uh.
"Dear Beth: I am sorry "about that time I said that your outfit "looked like something you fished out of the garbage can after the circus left town.
" You know, that's really the only thing he ever said that hurt my feelings.
No! What about that time when he said-- Please, Joe, just let me have the moment? Thank you.
"I meant it as a compliment, but somehow it came out wrong.
" That's very sweet.
"Dear Joe, "I'm sorry I intentionally broke the printer by my desk every Monday morning and made you fix it.
" I knew there was something was up with that printer.
"I only did it because I enjoyed hearing "your voluminous redactions "on the prior weekend's sporting events.
"On more than one occasion, you helped lull me "into my mid-morning nap.
"For that, I am eternally grateful.
Kudos.
The printer shouldn't give you much trouble anymore.
" [SNIFFS.]
I wonder if he knew how much I enjoyed fixing that printer? Oh, I think he did, big guy.
Sure.
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'll-- I'll go ahead.
"Dear Jimmy: What can I say? "The fact that you trusted me enough to share "a few of your deepest secrets with me means a lot.
"I only hope that someday you'll reveal "to the rest of the world the actual culprits behind the assassination of John F.
Ken--" Actually, this one's kind of personal, so I'll go ahead-- Okay.
Uh, "Dearest Lisa: "I'm sorry I was so obsessed "with what you might look like naked.
"I'm even more sorry that I never actually "got the chance to see you naked.
"Please think of me the next time you're naked "because if it is at all possible to become a ghost, "I will be there appreciating you in all of your naked splendor.
" Are you sure you don't have mine? It's mine, Matthew.
All right.
"Dear Matthew: I am dead.
"No matter what I may have told you about my secret plan, "do not get on an airplane "and fly around the world searching for me.
"Also, be assured that this is not just a further ruse to throw everyone off the track of my secret plan.
" Huh.
I'm sorry, Matthew-- Oh, "P.
S.
:" [CLEARS THROAT.]
"The crow flies at midnight.
" What does that mean? Nothing.
Never mind.
It's top secret.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay.
All right.
"David: I suppose I should say I'm sorry "for tormenting you so relentlessly, but I'm not.
"You enjoyed the game as much as I did, "and you gave as good as you got.
"I salute you, sir.
Salud.
"As for my eulogy, please make it as long and boring as is possible.
" Oh, well, see there? You did right by him.
"Anything less than three hours I will consider a colossal failure.
" Oh, Dave, you almost did right by him.
Uh, Catherine.
Well.
This is kind of personal.
Your turn.
Oh, no, no, no.
Go ahead, come on, read it.
Hey, hey, easy there, Lisa.
No one likes a sloppy drunk.
Come on, Catherine.
Go ahead, sweetie.
Okay, well, you asked for it.
"Dear Catherine: I'm sorry "we only slept together that one time.
"I found your love-making technique delicious, particularly the way you--" Just go ahead.
Read that.
Yeah.
Well, there is, uh-- There is another, uh, uh, note-- A note for all of us.
[SNIFFS.]
Uh.
"Anyhoo," he continues, "that about wraps it up for me.
" Um.
Uh, "Farewell, take care of each other, and I'll-- see you all when you get to wherever it is that I am now.
" That's it.
Um.
"Matthew, please collect these notes and burn them immediately.
" Yeah.
Oh, wait, wait.
There's some fine print here.
"P.
S.
: To liven up what I'm sure is an unnecessarily somber day, "I have taken the liberty of treating these notes with a flammable agent which should--" Joe, my office is on fire.
I'm on it.
[ALL SNIFFING AND SIGHING.]
You know what? That-that-- That's kind of nice.
Yeah, it is.
Too bad we don't, uh, have any marshmallows.
Well, I only have one.
Oh, God.
Thank you for everything, Bill.
Oh, uh, not just the stapler.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I think you know what I mean.
Hey, Matthew.
Okay, good night, Dave.
Good night.
Where's Bill's in/out tray? I don't know.
Hi-his tape dispenser? I don't know.
The stapler? Don't know.
Well, where's his coffee cup? In my pants.
Yeah.
I'm just taking it home for safekeeping, you know, in case Bill comes back and needs it.
Oh, and Dave? Uh-huh.
Um, between you and me, uh, Bill did not sneak away to some foreign country to start his own business.
You know, I was starting to suspect that myself.
But don't tell the others that he is actually dead, okay? Because I don't think they're ready to face the truth.
Yeah, okay, I promise.
And one more thing, Dave.
Uh-huh.
If, um, by some incredibly weird turn of events, Bill does come back, don't tell him I put his coffee mug in my pants.
No, no, no.
Good night, Matthew.
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Uh, here, you want his blotter? Um, I would actually rather have the Rolodex file if that's okay.
Yeah, sure.
H-H-How come? Thank you.
Um, because Bill always used to do this thing that really made me laugh.
On the front of the cards is everybody's name and address.
and stuff like that.
And then on the back was a sketch of what he thought they might look like naked.
Let me see yours.
Okay.
Here it is.
Lisa Miller.
Oh, but, wh-why did he draw you with a bikini? Oh, yeah.
Bill made that for me.
He made it out of a Post-it.
Look, it comes off.
Ah! Do you mean-- Don't take the bottom off.
Lisa? Yeah? Um, I know that, uh, that the eulogy was pretty bad, but did it-- Did it really suck? Um, I really couldn't tell you, Dave.
I've been drunk off my ass since 8:00 this morning.
Hello? Is anybody here? Okay, boys, come on in.
It's this one right over here.
Just, uh, take it downstairs.
Put it in the van.
Sir, if you want a desk, I know a guy-- Oh, no, no, thanks, thanks, thanks.
But, uh, I want this desk right here.
All right.
Let's go.
[WHISTLES.]
[.]