Nurse Jackie s05e01 Episode Script

Previously on "Nurse Jackie" I need to leave and I need to cash in my vacation days.
- Where you going? - Disneyland.
Welcome to rehab.
Can't believe you're gonna get out of this place before me.
See you on the outside? Jackie Peyton, were you sleeping with me for my drugs? Probably.
Jackie was fucking me.
Kevin served me with divorce papers.
He is suing for custody.
Ugh, I just wish they'd get over themselves.
What the hell do you think you're doing? You're being judgmental for someone who just got out of rehab.
I'm 16 weeks.
You're pregnant? How are you? Steer clear of my bloodline.
Wanted.
Roommate.
If you need a place, Zoey, I have a place.
- Yes! - Whoa, whoa! You touch me, you are homeless.
I love my drugs.
They're gonna bury me, and I'm fine with it.
Kids, they break your heart.
Just lost my fuckin' job.
- Go fuck yourself.
- You're fired.
Take a look around, Mike.
I'm still in charge.
- You made it.
- I made it.
I fuckin' made it.
Girls ready? Fi is.
Grace has been in the bathroom longer than should be legal for a teenager.
Grace, come on, honey! How are you doing? Uh, I'm okay, thanks.
How are you? I'm not asking for you.
I'm asking for the kids.
Just give me a break, will you please, Kevin? I'm clean, months and months.
Great.
Mother of the Year.
Look, I know this isn't part of our deal, but is there any way I can get the girls for my birthday tomorrow? I'll think about it.
So someone's having a birthday? Only because I have to.
Not a word to anyone.
How do you not do that in the bathroom? Grace wanted her privacy.
Gotta respect that.
Can we go? - What's with the face? - Picture day.
- No, go wash it off.
- Damn it, Dad.
I'm allowed to wear whatever makeup I want.
Me, too.
All I know is, this stuff doesn't happen when the kids are with me.
Go wash it off or no screens for a week.
I can't believe this.
Father of the Year.
Heads up, you guys! Overturned bus three blocks away! Gambler's Special from Atlantic City.
Where's Jackie? You're gonna be fine, honey.
Still down five grand.
I knew I should have asked for longer maternity leave.
Four and a half months.
Who gets four and a half months? Incredibly brilliant doctors, love.
Oh, it's so good to have you back.
O'Hara, we need your help on this gurney.
Wrong shoes for this.
Ooh, never thought I would miss Cruz.
- I heard that.
- As a doctor.
He was a lousy administrator.
- You are so much better.
- No shit.
You gotta pull the trigger on the new trauma guy.
Already did.
Starts next week.
Yeah, tell them that.
I'll call him in.
What about the new resident that actually does work here? You know I'm the one that hired you back, not the other way around? Yeah, was that before or after my union sued? Don't cloud the issues with facts? Paging Doctor shit, what Roman.
Roman.
Dr.
Roman to the ER.
Dr.
Roman to the ER.
Now, Doctor.
- Shit.
- Tell me about it.
Time to go save some lives.
Coming, Nurse Peyton? Haven't slept in months, my breasts are killing me, and I'm up to my elbows in baby shit.
It's great, isn't it? Yeah.
That's what sucks about the divorce.
I think about Grace and Fi as babies.
Kev was so great with them, and he was so there for me.
- Well, at least you had that.
- Yeah.
'Sup? Wanna go for a coffee? Got a bad head wound here.
- Hey.
Oh, my God.
- Pressure.
- All right.
- Here.
Pressure, pressure, pressure.
All right, Starbucks is on hold.
- Sorry.
- Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
Elvis is in the building.
What? Elvis Page, number one draft pick.
That bus crashed on top of his Bentley.
Jaws of Life, the whole deal.
Oh, if he's injured, such a tragedy.
If anybody's injured, it's a tragedy.
Hello, we're talking Super Bowl.
Phew.
The X-rays will be ready soon, Mr.
Page.
How's the arm feeling? You could amputate this arm, I'm still taking us to the big show.
- See? - Thor, I need you! Good thing there's enough of me to go around.
Uh, nurse.
When that bus flipped over onto my, uh Bentley.
Yeah, I may have been on my way to a party with some party favors.
Look, I don't do drugs, okay? This body is God's gift, but I like for my friends to have a good time.
I'm sure they appreciate that.
Yeah, but the cops were coming and I may have put the favors into condoms and swallowed them.
What kind of favors? A smorgasbord.
Mostly uppers.
Okay.
There anything we can do for that situation, and kinda quick before the team finds out? - How many condoms we talking? - Like, three.
You had three condoms with you? Actually, I had six.
Told you I was on my way to a party.
- Yeah.
- And can we keep this between us? Thor! Your hero here swallowed three condoms filled with drugs.
- You swallowed condoms? - Yeah, strawberry-flavored.
They could burst and you would die a gruesome death and then where would our team be? I asked you to keep this quiet.
You might not want to get your stomach juices too angry.
- You always this nice? - To be fair it is her birthday tomorrow.
And you know how women of a certain age can get.
See? Eddie, come here, I need you.
Oh, God.
I love it when you say that.
This patient needs the strongest laxative you got.
- And fastest.
- I don't know if you got the memo, but I was fired.
What happened? This knucklehead swallowed three condoms filled with drugs.
Yo, yo.
Between us? Stomach juices.
I got a 10-year-old girl with a crushed larynx.
Just shut up.
This machine is slow and confusing enough.
Come on, I need morphine for my burn victim.
Percocet for Mr.
Texas Hold 'Em.
- Come on.
- Shut up.
- Come on.
- Get out of the way.
- Let somebody else try.
- Yeah, let somebody else try.
Step out of the way.
All right, you write everything down.
- Who wants morphine? - Yep, yep, thanks.
- Uh, Percocet? - Here.
- You gettin' this? - All of it.
Who are you? - Who are you? - New nurse.
Old pharmacist.
What are they gonna do, fire me? - Here, this.
- 50 milligrams of Dulcolax.
- You got a constipated racehorse? - Something like that.
Nothing leaves this room till I get back.
Good news, I found something fast-acting.
Bad news, it's a suppository.
Bend over, Mr.
Page.
Zoey needs help right away.
No available doctor to intubate.
Get me a new bag, please.
You're gonna be okay, honey.
Right, here.
Get up to the CT, please.
You're an angel.
Far from it.
Sorry I walked in on you and Kevin.
It's not that big a deal, Zoey.
I know, it's just that I can totally relate because when Lenny and I broke up Seriously, you're gonna compare your three-month relationship with my 16-year marriage? Only the relevant parts.
- Situation? - Lacerations lower back and buttocks.
Glass shards up the wazoo.
Dude, silk.
Uh, Dr.
Roman, you might wanna My patient.
I got this.
Uh, I'm sure you do.
And I'm sure he's in good hands.
Still, you might want to throw a little stitch in there.
Just looking out for your breasts blouse.
Ahem.
Hey.
You got this, right? But of course.
- What the fuck was that back there? - What the fuck was what? Oh, God.
You touch my tit, I will rip your hand off at the spine.
You work on your boob-grabbing Tourette situation on your own time.
From now on, we're gonna finish conversations.
And what is this conversation about? Dr.
Roman has had every bump in the road smoothed over because she's - Hot? - Expecting it.
Next time she's not cutting it, say something.
- I did.
- Then back it up.
This is because of your birthday, isn't it? Nice of him to remember.
I know since I started living with you, space got tight, but it gives me real perspective on you, and I see And I see a patient in two just puked himself.
Stop talking and clean him up.
If I stop talking, do I still have to? Yes, you do.
I'm sorry you had to wait so long.
Today kind of put the emergency back in "emergency room.
" Totally get it.
Some of the people on the bus were pretty messed up and I just had this cut.
It's good to be lucky.
And what is up with the new trauma guy? Army guy.
Top dog at Landstuhl.
Three tours in Iraq, four in Afghanistan.
I'm not asking about his resume.
I'm asking where the fuck is he? I already called him shit, I forgot.
Hey, Kev, it's me.
I'm just checking to see if I can get the girls tomorrow.
It would really mean a lot to me, okay? Call me back? I think Kevin is avoiding me.
Stop worrying.
He's gonna let you have the girls tomorrow, isn't he? Are you still obsessed with pictures of your kids or is it just a baby thing? No, that never goes away.
Grace had her school photos taken today.
Maybe they're online.
Wow, my daughter the hooker.
She's so grown-up.
And so wrong about that eyeliner.
Do you wanna get out of here for a while? Mm.
I swear to God I had no fucking clue how much having him was gonna change my life.
I even vowed to stop using "fucking" as a modifier.
Oh, fuck, that's good.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Fennel, capers, and - And piggy.
Homegrown, happy, lived a full and useful life.
And died for this very moment.
- Excuse me.
- What? Breast-feeding.
I have been gushing like a BP oil rig.
Pumped twice this morning.
To motherhood.
To motherhood.
Hi, Roberta.
How's he doing? Great.
Put him on, love.
Sorry, Jacks.
I'm a walking cliché.
Hi, sweetie.
Your mama misses you so much.
Can you say "mama"? Mama? Ma no, mama? Goo to you, too, darling.
Hey, where the hell are my X-rays? - I gotta get out of here.
- We're still waiting.
Whoa, whoa, sir.
Sir, sir, sir.
I'm sorry, you're not allowed back here.
Yeah, but this woman needs some serious This is hospital personnel only.
Dr.
Ike Prentiss reporting for duty.
- You the new Army doc? - You see this woman? They were admitting her for asthma.
She's about five seconds away from having an MI.
- Wow, you diagnosed that on the fly.
- That's what I do.
Now, with your permission, the woman could use a doctor.
Welcome to All Saints.
All right, just gently roll her.
If you're wondering, I'm ignoring you.
What? Somebody had to clean up that vomit.
I get it.
Sometimes I'm in your space too much.
Like this morning.
Or when you smashed your good dishes after that custody thing with Kevin.
Or when you were on probation and I was always coming home and telling you about all the amazing stuff going on here at work, probably making you jealous.
- How is this helping, Zoey? - Exactly.
Sometimes I think I'm helping, and I'm actually un-helping.
Which is why I'm thinking it's time that I moved out and got my own place.
No, you don't have to do that, Zoey.
I think it's best for both of us.
Broken fifth metatarsal.
Six weeks in this thing.
But my only sport is running.
Yeah, well, life's a bitch.
And no way running is a sport.
Who is that? New trauma guy.
Some big shot Army doc.
How about I just wait for a doctor? - I am a doctor.
- You fucking kidding me? Is there a problem, sir? My doctor looks like a drug dealer.
My patient looks like an asshole.
- Okay if we just move on? - Yeah.
Those tattoos? People you've killed? Actually, they're saves.
Still want another doctor? - I'm good.
- Okay, sir.
Here's the drill.
First stop is Ortho where they will These are just of his foot.
That was his complaint, Doctor.
He was hit by a car, Doctor.
Hard as a rock.
Got to be a liver lac.
Let's tap him.
- Tap him? Let's get him to CT.
- No time.
We have to tap and confirm the bleeding, then get him to the OR.
We haven't tapped in years.
We don't even have that stuff.
Then we improvise.
Scalpel and a Foley.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
This isn't Kandahar.
IV saline.
- What is he doing? - Seeing if there's internal bleeding.
All right, get him to the OR.
Now, now.
Oh, the irony of saving a racist prick's life.
Hardly worth a tattoo, but he's no different than anyone else.
Even you thought I was a bum.
Well, you were filthy.
Okay, so if your Dr.
Cooper or that fuzzy nurse came into your ER after dry walling their basement, you would have thought they were bums.
Right.
Listen, don't beat yourself up.
Just hop down off that soapbox, Nurse Peyton.
It's Jackie.
Ow, that hurts.
Okay, need a little help here.
Just need a nurse.
Zoey, stay.
Go.
I've done this a dozen times.
And I've done it a thousand times.
Step away, Doctor.
Take a deep breath, put your chin to your chest, sip on that water, okay? Excuse me, Nurse Peyton.
My husband's still waiting.
Really? You scanned a bladder tumor before my head trauma? We're down to one working machine with seven patients ahead of him.
- Then get another machine.
- They're $425,000 apiece.
How do you suggest I do that? We have a critically injured patient who has been waiting for two hours.
That woman's tumor is gonna be the same size tomorrow.
- I have to call - No, I get it, I get it.
You're an administrator.
You have to deal with all the red-tape bullshit.
I understand.
Let's not forget why we are really here.
All right, let's cross-reference here.
What've we got? What are you doing? I was helping.
It was an emergency.
Good-bye.
This is a lawsuit waiting to bite my butt.
You're not even an employee.
And I'm sorry, Gloria.
I Which is why I have no choice but to hire you back.
Okay, tell ya what.
Give me two minutes.
I'm gonna go in there and say hey.
I'll be right back.
The X-rays came back negative.
Then I'm outta here.
Well, not so fast.
I had to report the drugs.
Those officers are gonna need to talk to you.
Look, I told you, they weren't even for me.
That's the problem.
Possession with intent to distribute.
- You don't have to do this.
- There wasn't any other option.
I could tell the officers I made a mistake if Let me guess.
You live in Queens, little house, what, $100,000 mortgage? Fine, I'll take care of it for you.
You know what? Fuck you.
You don't know anything about me.
Okay, where do you live? Queens, little house, $110,000 mortgage.
But I'm not interested in taking a nickel from you.
The hospital needs a new CT machine.
Okay, what's that run? $425,000.
$425,000 who do you think I am? We've already established who you are.
Now we're just haggling.
Thor tells me you just signed a big fat contract.
Wonder what they're gonna pay you in prison.
Good-bye, Nike, good-bye, Gatorade, good-bye, "Dancing with the Stars.
" Okay, I'll buy your fucking machine.
What's it do, anyway? Um, it helps us win the Super Bowl.
Tommy, Angelo.
Mr.
Page'll be happy to sign those autographs now.
You have to make Zoey promise no cake tomorrow 'cause she absolutely does not listen to me.
Where are you going? You've been here one day.
Do not even say it.
I want to be with my baby all the time.
That's amazing, 'cause, you know, you're the first mother that ever felt that way.
When you were on probation, spending all that time with your kids It was great.
And then I came back to work, 'cause that's what we do.
There are all kinds of people here who depend on you.
Actually, one person depends on me.
And I have to be there for him.
I don't want my child growing up hating me for being absent.
I want him hating me for being me.
I think you I think you have to slow down.
You have to think this through.
This is a huge step.
Maybe maybe you should talk to a therapist.
A therapist? I'm British.
Jacks, I have thought this through.
I don't want to miss his first words, his first steps, his first anything.
You know me.
I'm rich, narcissistic, and selfish.
I don't want to miss that stuff, and I don't have to.
How nice for you.
It'd be great if we could all just quit our jobs and fly away.
I know you're pissed off.
So when are you leaving? When are you leaving? Today's my last day.
Really? The day before my birthday? I don't think you understand.
You are the only thing standing between me and Oh, hello, baby.
Hello, baby, oh.
Come to me.
Oh, my gosh.
Who's the most beautiful baby? Who's the most beautiful baby ever? Look at you.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Look, I'm good now, all right? And as a gesture of gratitude to All Saints for taking such amazing care of me I'm donating a new CT machine to the hospital.
That's just my way of giving back to my community and the great city of New York City.
Hey, Jackie, it's Kevin.
I know it's your birthday tomorrow, but we had a plan.
And I think you should start sticking to the agreements we make.
So I'm gonna keep the girls.
I already told them.
Have a good one.
Happy fuckin' birthday.