One Foot in the Grave (1990) s05e01 Episode Script

# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # Amazing the adverts they put in the local ''Cane my young traffic warden's bottom'' ''Listen to a housewife moan'' I can do that any day ''Hear my massive 46-inch breasts'' Hear my massive 46-inch breasts? How? What's she got, cowbells on them? ''Available via PIN number'' Rang one of these numbers up once It's about as erotic as Amy Turtle Well, that's that read from cover to cover Madness Unutterable madness Now, then What have we got here? I don't What in the name of bloody hell? What was the last thing I said to you before I went out about keeping an eye on the weather for me? How am I supposed to put these on? Spin round like Wonder Woman? I'd throw these socks away except they'd probably keep coming back Unbelievable! Did you see this? What I just found in one of those crackers you bought? No But do please tell me Question ''What's the difference between Victor Meldrew ''and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?'' Answer ''They're both useless tossers'' Can you believe that? Inside one of those crackers Where did you say you got them? I can't remember Cardigan Crescent, I think, the Happy Shopper Happy Shopper? Do you know what? Somebody has been tampering with these Poking these things in the end with the end of a screwdriver or something Bastards Same person or persons unknown I presume who were responsible for this little piece of unpleasantness I found this afternoon Sticking out the top of our wheelie bin if you please Mrs Blithery at number 25 nearly had a heart attack, thought we were leaving dead bodies out for the dustmen Just kids, I expect, playing pranks Pranks? It doesn't even work Look, it's got, ''What's the difference between'' And then it says we're both useless tossers How is that the difference? That's not the difference That's what we've got in common Now, if it said, ''Why is Victor Meldrew like a chef ''who keeps dropping his pancakes? Because we're both useless tossers,'' then it would work It'd be a proper joke then, but it doesn't I mean, it's not even logical They haven't even taken the trouble to think it through properly -before poking the bloody -Yes, all right! Can we drop it now, please? Don't know how many of these things are circulating out there, now do we? Evil little buggers Still haven't got over them sticking that live frog through the letter box Nor has the frog Wondered what it was croaking away in my bath water yesterday morning Thought at first it was that beans and toast I had for breakfast Yes, well, of course, most people would realise it was a frog as soon as they'd picked it up, instead of spending two minutes trying to squash it onto a new bar of Palmolive Is there a cup left in here for me? Oh, well, when you've finished with the Cadbury's fondue But it felt like a piece of soap in the water and I hadn't got my glasses on Anyway, how was your day? You're late back Buses up the creek again? I didn't come straight back I told you I was going to stop off to give old Mrs Tebbings another driving lesson Taking a bit of a risk, weren't you? Going out with her after dark Woman's got precious little sense of direction as it is What's that supposed to mean? Well, how many people do you know who sit in the lavatory facing the cistern? It took six lessons to stop her putting her hands in front of her eyes whenever she went downhill All is well so long as she's happy to pay me a few quid I suppose it gives her an interest in life Especially now her cat's getting a bit old and past it Now that its eyesight's going Chased a mouse upstairs into the bathroom last week, ended up nearly choking to death on a pumice stone She said she's thinking of getting it contact lenses Contact lenses? For a cat? How? What's she gonna do? Show it a chart with different sized tins of Whiskas on? Of course, you know the story, it wasn't even her cat in the first place It just turned up in her garden one day with a little metal disc in the collar saying, ''If found, please return to so and so at this address'' -Know what she did? -Sent them back the collar If you've ever heard anything so daffy So, what are you thinking? Is it the Peugeot still? Or the Astra possibly I'm not sure God Three months, is it, now? I still can't believe anyone would steal your car outside a garden centre in Purley I know Just when I thought we were never gonna get rid of the bloody thing! Yes, it's been a complete disaster from the day we first bought it Never knew what was going to seize up next And then Oh, the bliss when we came out of that tea shop and discovered that some poor sod had nicked it It was like having a very unpleasant boil lanced Do you realise Do you realise that for the first time in our lives we're actually going to benefit from an insurance policy? (TELEPHONE RINGING) I'll get it (TYPING ON KEYBOARD) Are you nearly finished in there for tonight? Seven hours you've been at it now I said don't you think it's time you were taking Denzil out for his walk? Oh Well, that's just perfect, isn't it? What's the problem? There are other things he needs to do out there besides walk, you know I'm not blowing this presentation to Leibnitz and Wang for anything If I get this contract, it could mean the difference between life and death We could drop the price on this house and move next door to something vaguely human Something that has a reflection in a mirror VICTOR: Oh, no! What What do you mean? This is the absolute bloody limit I mean For God's sake VICTOR: In the name of sanity! Oh! Tell me that I'm still asleep, that this is just a bad dream You're not asleep It's not a dream They've found our car! And it's not my bloody fault! After three months? Whereabouts? Whereabouts? Finland Are you stark raving mad? Finland? That car couldn't get to Finchley! What did they do? Tow it there with a team of reindeer? I'm just telling you what he said He said a local woodcutter found it abandoned in the middle of a forest still with our plants and boxes of Phostrogen on the back seat He said they've kept his name and address in case we want to give him a reward Give him a reward? I'll give him a bloody thick ear if I ever see him! Who would want to go to Finland in the first place? I don't know! Here, ring Judith Chalmers While I go and put your socks in the grill pan! Thank you Thank you, St Total Bastard, the patron saint of insurance companies I don't know why I bother Is it drivable still or what? Well, it's supposed to be, according to (EXCLAIMING) Look at this For crying out loud MARGARET: The man who sold it to us did say it was a very fast-growing variety Fast-growing variety? I mean, you think they'd have had the sense to prune it now and again Look at it Clings like bloody Super Glue, this stuff Yes, well, Patrick and Pippa have offered me a lift in So I think they're having lunch with one of his business clients or something Ready when you are, Margaret Coming -You need anything while I'm out? -Yes You can see if Halfords do a large and very hungry goat -Thanks a lot, Pippa That's just the job -You're very welcome Oh, Patrick, don't forget your presentation Oh, Margaret, I know what I meant to say I think I've got a pair of Y-fronts belonging to you at home They must have blown across into the garden the other night Thought when I was ironing them, I didn't think Patrick had a pair with a blue waistband Anyway, I put them to one side in the bedroom -Pop them round later, all right? -There's no rush Bye, then I hope it all goes well for you Look, is that them? A blue waistband? What's the matter with you? This is the mother of all nightmares you pray will never happen I'm about to go into the most important business meeting in my career wearing Victor Meldrew's underpants You what Oh, you didn't put Anyway, look -Come on, they've seen us -I can't move My entire genital area has gone into trauma For goodness sake, pull yourself together and remember who you're meeting This must be how John Hurt felt with that alien in his stomach Little buggers (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Mrs Blithery, how are you today? (CAR HORN HONKING) (TYRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING) Bloody car Finland of all the places It's a wonder we haven't heard from the astronauts in the space shuttle ''Hello, Mr Meldrew ''We just found a D registration Honda up here orbiting the earth ''We think it might belong to you'' Oh, by the way, I forgot to say I solved the mystery of that practical joker You know, the rubber hand and the crackers and the frog and everything Apparently, it was that Mr Grimwade's children You know, two doors down from the post office Do you know them? I can't say as I do, no No, I didn't remember him Anyway, he came up to me in Asda's today and said he couldn't apologise enough for their behaviour and he was gonna make certain that it never happened again, which I thought was very decent of him Oh, no It depends if they take any notice We'll be finding severed heads under the rockery now, I expect, before long Ruddy vandals I thought the weatherman said it was gonna be a bit warmer tonight -What were you looking at? -Nothing Where's my cup of tea? What were you looking at? I think Mr and Mrs Aylesbury are having one of their parties Oh, no! (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, God I can't take much more of this! (MUSIC STOPS) Ahh (THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING) Oh, in the name of mercy! (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS) God! Good God (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS) It's more than flesh and blood can stand! I don't know how on earth you can sleep through it Margaret? Margaret! What? I was just getting off then Not an ounce of consideration for anyone but themselves Look at that There's half a dozen of them on the front lawn now doing Chuck Berry duck walks Shut up! Oh, come back to bed No one else in this street is remotely bothered, only us (SIGHS LOUDLY) Oh, hang on Here's one that's got away I'm gonna have that Come here, matey That's got you! Now where's that safety pin? That's made you feel a whole lot better, has it? Very slightly, yes It's getting on for 3:00 They can't go on for much longer Another half hour and they'll all have packed up and gone home Just have a bit of patience (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS) (BIRDS CHIRPING) Don't tell me they've stopped I can't have had more than an hour's sleep in the entire night Well, at least it's Sunday today We've no reason to get up before lunch time Just be thankful for that That's a nice thought (TELEPHONE RINGING) MAN: Good morning.
Mr Meldrew? Speaking It's Mr Foskett Oh, you're joking? Here's a memory test for you, Mr Meldrew.
I wonder if you can cast your mind back over 1 7 years to Mrs Mosley's guesthouse in Western-Super-Mare? And I wonder if you remember the small man with the moustache who had to walk through your bedroom every night to get to the toilet? 1 7 years ago last summer it was.
How about if I say the name Mr Foskett? Mr Foskett, fancy hearing from you after all this time Well, you said if I was ever in the vicinity to be sure to look you up so Yes Obviously I wouldn't just descend on you without giving you a ring first.
No, no, so where are you at the moment? I'm outside your front door.
Yes, I'm on the mobile.
They're wonderful things, aren't they? (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, sorry, I just knocked your doorbell.
He's here He's outside Yes.
I thought I better give him a buzz first, make sure he's still alive.
He'll not thank me otherwise Yes, hang on a minute, Mr Foskett We'll be right down That's all we needed Where are my trousers? What are we? Cursed this bloody weekend? Mr Foskett, as I live and breathe Are you well? You're sure I've not caught you at an awkward moment or anything? My God You lost some hair Still, we've all of us changed, haven't we? There's me now, the father of two Can you believe it? Sometimes, you know, I do believe Mrs Meldrew -Remember me? Face from the past -Mr Foskett My gosh Well, come on, Victor, are we going to let them in? Oh, yes Yes, in you come That's it I was just saying I can't imagine being without them now Young David and Martin They really light up my life They give me Oh, I don't know, such a sense of purpose, a fulfilment that words can't express Yes, well, why don't I go and make some coffee? Have you had any breakfast at all yet? Since we were down here visiting my wife's sister, who's just moved into a little cottage in Wigston Parva, just off the 51 20, I don't know if you know it Anyway, I thought, why not? Of course, you hesitate at first 'cause people don't always wanna see you after 1 7 years For all I know, you may be praying you never set eyes on me again I think it's nice if you can meet up with people, don't you? However long it's been Oh, by the way, that address you gave me doesn't actually exist I thought that a bit odd at first, but Well, I expect I must have copied it down wrong somewhere along the line Anyway, thank goodness for the old phone book, eh? 'Cause here I am So, how you been keeping? You still got that job on the security desk? No As a matter of fact Of course, it was just after that summer holiday that my wife left me Penelope, for another man To say I couldn't deal with it, oh, that's the understatement of all time You know that feeling when the world just seems to stop turning? I lost me job, was on all sorts of medication, and in the space of three years I tried to kill meself 1 3 times, which I won't depress you with now Six attempted overdoses, two exhaust jobs, three times I tried to jump off the roof, but they always talked me down I expect that begs the question of how serious you are and, of course, I won't show you the scars on me wrist Look at that Actually it's a miracle I survived Anyway, one day in she walked, the new love of my life Loretta We got married, had two of the loveliest children on this earth I can't believe what it's done for me It's a shame that she's got a migraine today I'd love you to see her sometime Anyway, enough of my life story What's been happening to you all this while? -Ah, well -Oh, that was a funny old place, wasn't it? That guesthouse Do you remember that mynah bird that used to impersonate Kenneth Wolstenholme? which, of course, is quite a turn-up for the books, after 46 years to find you're allergic to Sellotape So, then they had to transfer me to the invoicing department where I stayed for another seven months and that was that I didn't really mind when the time came I've never been short of outside interest And, of course, my passion for antique dentures remains undiminished Are there anymore of those jam tarts? Hmm? What? Oh Hang on Healthy old appetite they've got for their age, haven't they? Yes, I think it must be nigh on 300 pairs I have now It's been a long while since I counted them last -Sorry? -My collection of false teeth I don't suppose that's something that interests you Bit of an obscure hobby, really Yes No I mean, no, no, no, it sounds absolutely fascinating Yeah, well, the oldest set I've got dates back to the 1 830s and belonged, we think, to an Italian nobleman who had a rather unusual contour to his upper palate Perhaps if you've got an afternoon free, you'd like to come up and have a look Yeah, that would be a treat indeed, Mr Foskett -Actually, I don't want to be slightly rude -Oh, my goodness me, is that the time? Oh, talk about outstaying your welcome When I go rattling on, I don't know Yes, that's all right I just have to make a quick phone call, if I may, to see how Loretta and the boys are getting on and then I'll be on my way -Yes, right -Right (SIGHING) What did you say? -Sorry? -Loretta and the boys? Yes, my two sons, David and Martin I mentioned them earlier Don't you remember? Well, yes, but they're in there surely What, my two sons? No! My boys are only three and four I hope they've got better table manners than those two Well, I assumed You mean, they're not your grandchildren? Grandchildren? You two! Who the bloody hell are you, for goodness sakes? -Ian Grimwade -Neil Grimwade -Grimwade? -What the hell are you doing in my house? Dad told us to come round He said we had to apologise for freaking you out with the frog and the snowman and all that You've eaten half the food in our larder! You gave it to us Get out! Go on, you greedy little gannets Coming round here like a swarm of army ants Get out! Get out! Can we have our hand back? You'll get my hand if I ever see you round here again And you can keep away from our garage in future as well while you're at it! You miserable old git! Don't go in there for a minute I'll get that dustpan Something the matter? You all right? She's gone Gone? Gone where? She's left me She didn't say where Just told her sister to tell me that it wasn't working anymore and the boys would be better off without me She didn't have a migraine after all Sorry Are you okay? You look a bit faint No, I'm fine I'll just have a glass of water, if I may (CRASHING) I was wondering if we should ring for a taxi or something Is he out of the bath yet? I think he must be having a good soak up there I thought it best not to disturb him I suppose -He hasn't locked the bathroom door? -Why? The man's tried to kill himself 1 3 times as it is A thing like this I mean Well, you could see how close to the edge he was What if he gets in the medicine cabinet? Oh, for goodness sake You've been watching too many soap operas What's he gonna do? Hang himself with some dental floss? VICTOR: God Don't move! Just stay perfectly still! There's no point, Mr Meldrew There's no point anymore Just stop, just for a second, while we talk about this (WHISPERING) I'll phone the fire brigade (SCREAMING) River Bank Yes I don't know It sounds as if we may be too late already Try not to move Get the ladder I'm coming back Please hurry! And with the cost of office space these days, it means a considerable saving in overhead, which I am more than delighted to reflect in my proposed fee Anyway, here we are If you are agreeable, the nerve centre for the new auditor of Leibnitz and Wang Do either of you have any questions? No? Fine Well, let me take you back down, then, and give you both a top-up Did you bring that bag in with the chicken? I did, yes -Did you lock the car up afterwards? -I didn't, no Did you remember to leave the keys in the ignition? I did, yes God knows why people keep bringing the bloody things back ''Excuse me Did you know you left your keys in the car? ''Someone could easily steal it like that, you know'' Chance would be a fine thing What's that? Someone tried to deliver a parcel apparently They've left it next door (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Ah, Mr Meldrew Are you well? I gather that you've got a package for us? Hmm Oh, yes Yes, now, where did I put that now? In this drawer here? Oh, no No, that's not it, is it? No, that's the letter I received this morning from Leibnitz and Wang, the company which I had dared hope might put a rather lucrative business deal my way That is, of course, until they popped round last Sunday to finalise one or two details and were somewhat taken aback not so much by the hideous sight of a naked man dangling outside my office window, as by the hideous sight of what was dangling from the naked man Following which, in time-honoured fashion, they said that they would let me know And lo and behold, this morning they did Still, never mind, as they say Now if I could just make one small suggestion, perhaps a stronger lock on the door of your laboratory might stop them escaping next time Yes, I'm sorry if Oh, I remember The front room Almost forgot PATRICK: Ah, yes Here we are I thought it might be a new consignment of human organs or something so I kept it in the hall Manage that all right? -Yeah Thank you very much -No No, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew I think warped is the word that springs to mind You deliberately let him think they turned you down just to make him feel awful Yes MARGARET: What on earth Ermhang on a minute (VICTOR GROANING) What the hell is it? -You didn't send away for anything, did you? -There's a letter here The post mark's all smudged You can't see where it's from ''Dear Mr Meldrew, we would like to inform'' Oh, it's from Oh, no It's Mr Foskett After he left here on Sunday, you remember? With that police officer They took him back to the station for a cup of tea to try and calm him down It says, ''About 8:30, he left the interview room to go to the toilet ''and threw himself out of the window on the seventh floor ''Prior to that, apart from the break-up of his marriage, ''the only thing he talked about was how kind and generous you and your wife ''had been to him that day ''and how nice it was to think you were so genuinely pleased to see him ''after all those years ''Before he died in hospital, he asked if we could arrange ''for the enclosed to be passed on to you as it was something you had expressed ''such a fascination for when you last spoke to him'' I suppose you can see why they do it The people across the road just spend all night laughing But the only thing you can do to stay sane is laugh Yes See the funny side of things Yes I mean, if we couldn't laugh at all this, we'd be committing suicide Yes Where are the sleeping tablets? In the cupboard by my bed Right (THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING) # So if you chance to meet him when walking round the town #Just shake him by his fat old hand and give him half a crown # His eyes will beam and sparkle He'll gurgle with delight #And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might #