Parks and Recreation s05e01 Episode Script

Washington, D.
C.
Take a deep breath, Andy.
[Breathes deeply.]
I mean, you can practically smell the bills becoming laws.
Yeah.
You can taste the sweet sugar of bureaucracy at work.
That building looks like a boob.
- Yeah, well, it's not.
- Oh, yeah, I know.
- It's the White House.
- No.
It's the Capitol.
My amazing lover, Ben Wyatt, is here working on a congressional campaign.
And he took April with him as his intern.
I'm here to visit, but I am also here to work, because I have a very important meeting where I am going to try to get federal funding so we can clean up the Pawnee river.
It's a bit of a fixer-upper.
Romantic reunions, government meetings, self-guided museum tours-- I mean, am I living the dream? I don't know.
Did I also just walk past a food truck and buy myself a waffle sundae? Yes.
Now take out your guidebook.
Oh, I didn't bring a guidebook.
- Oh, I brought you one.
- You did? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
Now throw it away, 'cause Leslie Knope is your guidebook.
I didn't-- I didn't mean literally.
There were some notes in it.
Okay, grab the book, and let's hit the National Mall.
There's a mall? That's awesome.
I need to get some flip-flops.
[Triumphant music.]
Why are we having a conference-room meeting? Leslie's gone.
Ron has taken initiative, and he is leading the meeting.
[Laughter.]
He's not joking.
I wanted to let you all know that I will be throwing the annual Parks Department employee-appreciation barbecue.
You're going to throw the Leslie Knope Employment Enjoyment Summerslam Grill Jam Fun-splosion? That's right.
You are gonna oversee the Popsicle-eating contest, the slip'n slide-a-thon, the watermelon carving, the gazpacho-off, and star in a one-woman show about parks rules and regulations? "Parks and Dolls.
" I got your park right here, its name is Ramsett Park.
All: and its gates are open from dawn till dark.
I am not doing any of that, which is the point.
Every summer Leslie throws a barbecue to thank the Parks and Maintenance staff.
It's horrifying.
Barbecues should be about one thing-- good, shared meat.
There will be no froofy desserts.
There will be no giant-soap-bubble guns.
There will be no adult men in costumes.
And most of all, there will be no [Bleep.]
ing vegetables.
Well, Ron, can we at least have corn on the cob? No.
"In this temple, "As in the hearts of the people for whom he saved the Union, the memory of Abraham Lincoln is enshrined forever.
" Andy, what are you doing? Have you ever seen any of the National Treasure movies? Everything in this city is a clue.
Nothing in that movie is accurate.
Aha! A clue! Check it out.
I think that's just gum.
How do I know this isn't a treasure map just waiting to be unfurled? - Because it's gum.
- That's gum.
Yeah.
So you can see that the color changes about 1/3 of the way up, and it's when construction was actually halted on the monu-- Leslie, this is a really cool penis, but Ben and April are meeting us at the Smithsonian in 10 minutes.
Let's talk on the way.
Which nation? I offered Ron a job last month, and he turned me down.
And it literally broke my heart.
But now I see that this is truly where he belongs.
Way to be, Ron! You're really getting it done, man! He can't hear me.
Okay, let's begin the barbecue.
Oh, hey, little guy.
What are you doing? Oh, no.
Everyone, meet your meat.
All: No! Why are you doing this to us? Well, in my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life.
This is your dinner.
His name is Tom.
[Laughs.]
Burn.
Seriously? I understand that it's hilarious, but that is his given, Christian name.
Tom is very smart and incredibly loyal.
He's basically a dog.
A dog we're going to cook, chew, and swallow.
Dude, there's kids around here.
Good point.
Which one of you youngsters wants to help me drain the blood from this animal? If you do a good job, I'll give you the bladder.
You can blow it up for a fun play ball.
Hey, Ron.
You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you? Not to worry.
I have a permit.
This just says, "I can do what I want.
" I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
It's not a Parks thing.
It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Fine.
Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff.
Let's go, Tom.
No, pig Tom.
[Laughing.]
So I want to see the history of the girl scouts and then Lincoln's pocket watch and the First Ladies exhibit and everything-- I want to see everything.
Andy, get down from there.
Hey, Leslie.
Is this the train from Back to the Future III? - Get down from there.
- I think it is.
Hey, buddy.
Come on down from there for me, please.
Sir, you protect our nation's history, and you're a hero.
Yeah, a hero with something to hide, like probably a treasure map.
Oh, hey.
It's so good to see you.
It's so great to see you too.
Yeah.
Yikes.
Okay, uh, guys, let's motor.
Guys.
Guys.
Let's go get some astronaut ice cream or something.
We were thinking about maybe just-- uh, we-- maybe we were gonna go back to-- We're gonna have sex.
Okay.
You look great, April.
Sorry, hon.
I actually have to go too.
Oh, really? I thought maybe we could sightsee together.
I know.
I have, like, 1,000 meetings.
But I just wanted to come wish you luck before your presentation.
Oh, but you know what you should see while you're here is George Washington's fare-- Farewell address candle stand.
That was the first thing I was going to see.
God, I love you so much.
Come to my office as soon as you're done, okay? Okay.
And it was nice to see you again.
Are you talking to my butt? - [Giggles.]
Yes.
- Okay.
Where is Swanson? Man, I'm hungry.
My legs are tired.
It feels like I just exercised.
Just sit on the ground.
No, Jerry.
It's dirty, and I'm wearing my summer linens.
God, you're such a baby.
Look, I brought a picnic blanket from your house.
That's not a picnic blanket.
That's a Merino wool throw for my Eames chair! Uh-oh.
Do I sense trouble in the Haverford-Perkins household? No such luck, Donna.
Ann and Tom, aka Haverkins, are stronger than ever.
Everyone said it wouldn't last.
And it didn't.
Shocking that our drunken plan to move in together wasn't a success.
- Let's move in together.
- Totally.
No take-backs when we sober up, though, partner.
No take-backs, partner.
[Both laugh.]
After the first day, we realized we had made a huge mistake.
Huge.
However, everyone was being so smug about it, saying there's no way it would last, so we're pretending to still be together.
That way, no one gets the satisfaction of being right, even though they are, but still.
More importantly, I bet Donna $1,000 that we'd be together for another month.
I can't stress this enough.
If she finds out that we broke up, I'll go bankrupt.
Oh, my God.
Food.
Food.
Yes, I am returned.
No.
Not so fast, Shirley.
I just have to thaw the meat, season it, and grill it up.
So it's going to be a few hours.
[All groan.]
No, Ron.
My tummy's rumbling.
It's scary.
Tommy's got the tum-rums.
Ron, Chris Traeger feelings update-- I'm now feeling that your guests are getting a little antsy.
Fine.
I'll skip a few steps and speed things up.
There you go.
Is there at least something to drink? There's beer in the cooler.
What about for the children? You can get water from that water fountain and use it to water down the beer.
Why don't you just give the kids water? I suppose you could do that.
Now, would everyone please back off and just let me cook in peace? These people are soft.
They're grill virgins.
But by the time this day is over, they'll have been taken by the grill and delicately and tenderly shown the ways of flavorful meat love.
Mmm The first time is so beautiful.
Ben and I are a power couple, like the Roosevelts or the Clintons.
I've got a big meeting here.
Ben is off running a congressional campaign.
I mean, the only way we could be more awesome is if we had our own signature dance move.
Oh, wait.
We do.
Three, four.
[Scatting.]
[Door slams.]
I'm Leslie Knope.
I have a 3:00 with Mr.
Jepson.
What's this in reference to? I'm here to present my application for the Federal Riverbed Preservation Grant.
Oh.
Most people just mail their applications in.
[Chuckles.]
I'm not most people.
Mr.
Jepson actually had to step out for the day.
You can just add your proposal to that pile there.
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
I was told I would have a face-to-face meeting with him so I could make my case for my town.
Does he have office hours? He's unavailable for the rest of the week.
But you can just add the proposal.
- He'll get to it.
- Oh Okay.
It's kind of a special application.
Uh, you know, there's a-a CD inside that, uh, plays the sound of a babbling river, and I was going to play that while I gave my presentation.
I was also going to show a DVD that had some images of frolicking river otters.
You know what? I-I'll make sure he reads it.
What city is it for? Pawnee.
Is that Pawnee, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Oklahoma, or Texas? - (Softly) Indiana.
- Okay.
This is amazing.
Look at this.
This whole place is your office.
Nope.
This is my office.
Ben, you're fired.
It's my office now.
Boom.
You heard the boss.
Scram, Wyatt.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd it go? Um, I think okay.
- Yeah? - Okay, I think.
Well, I have a surprise for you.
Uh, there's a swanky D.
C.
Cocktail party at the Hay-Adams, and I got us all on the list.
Wow, look at you.
You're a big shot.
Hey, uh, Benjamin, how fancy is this party tonight? I mean, is this, like, a shorts or a pants kind of gala? - Pants.
- Great.
Could we just real quick stop at the nearest place that has free pants? I know that Ron doesn't want us to eat anything before the meat, but I smuggled in some candy.
Oh, thank God.
I'm starving.
Raisins? It's nature's candy.
Now, they're basically grapes.
So remember to pace yourself.
I can't even follow my own advice.
It's too delicious.
Oh, my God.
Did you put glitter in the laundry detergent? Oh, yeah.
I'm experimenting with some new entrepreneurial ideas.
That one's called "Sparkle Suds.
" Dress loud.
Will you stop putting glitter in everything? This morning you put glitter in the butter.
"Disco Dairy.
" Spread the party.
No, that's not a good idea.
That's terrible.
Well, the target demographic isn't angry, middle-aged nurses.
- Oh--shh, stop it--hey.
- Wait-- Hey.
I'm going to get in line for some food.
Y'all want anything? - We're good.
We're really good.
- Nope.
Just spending a little time with my baby girl.
Ew.
Get off me.
There's so much free food at this party, honey.
I love politics.
Look, I made a shrimp claw.
I'm really proud of you, babe.
Now put your used plate in my purse.
I almost have a complete set.
Really? Oh, my God.
You're so smart.
They say it will pass, but we'll only get $400 million instead of $900 million.
Kate works at the Pentagon and Lacey works for Eric Cantor.
What do you do, Leslie? I was just recently elected.
I'm a councilwoman.
Local government is so important.
My grandma's on the city council in her town.
Gives her a reason to leave the house.
Oh.
Where did you say you were from? It's called Pawnee.
Pawnee, Missouri? Oh, my-- that is so random.
I've been there-- totally cute.
Pawnee, Indiana.
Pawnee, Missouri, is a total craphole.
Ben and I both did some amazing things today.
He scored a victory for the congressional campaign he's working on.
And I was mistaken for Beverly D'Angelo by a Japanese tourist.
So, pretty big day for both of us.
Ron, can I have a burger? I'm hungry.
For the last time, no burgers yet.
I've got ribs, and I've got beef cheek.
Ron, where are my vegan soy patties? Oh, I gave them to the kids.
They love them.
They're skipping them across the pond.
Donna, I got to go to the boys' room.
- Can I have a ride in your car? - Absolutely not.
This barbecue stinks.
I'm saying it.
It stinks.
Do you have any plates or anything? I mean, how are we supposed to eat these rumps? Ron, if no one takes me to the bathroom, I'm just going to have to go in the trees.
All right.
Forget it.
You have ruined a perfectly good barbecue with your demands and chatter.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Does anybody feel like they can't breathe? - I think I need some fresh air.
- We're outside.
God, these women-- they're so smart and accomplished and pretty.
And they're tall.
Why are they all so tall? It's like C-Span and Neiman Marcus had kids or something.
Hey, so there's a couple more people I want you to meet.
Great.
I can't wait to meet, like, five more tall women.
Excuse me, Senators? Ben Wyatt, from Congressman Murray's campaign.
Ben, I remember you from the Kennedy Center.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
I wanted to introduce my friend Leslie Knope-- Senators Barbara Boxer and Olympia Snow.
- A pleasure to meet you.
- How do you do? So, Leslie, what do you do? I am a city councilwoman from Pawnee, Indiana.
But you've probably never heard of us.
We're small and unimportant.
- I'm sure that's not true.
- But it is.
We've got tons of problems.
We're overrun with raccoons and obese toddlers.
Anyway, I'm probably boring you.
I just wanted to say that you are my role models, and, uh, you are incredibly amazing women, and it is an honor to meet you, and I really respect your grace under pressure, [voice breaking.]
And thank you for your time.
Excuse me, Senators.
Uh, Leslie? Hello? - What's going on? - Nothing.
I'm just tired, okay? I saw 24 historical sights in a day, and it's 120 degrees out with 200% humidity, 'cause this is a stupid swamp town.
Okay, that would make anyone cranky.
- I'm not cranky.
- Okay.
I thought you'd enjoy meeting numbers 4 and 26 on Leslie's list of amazing women.
I do.
I did.
You're the most amazing boyfriend ever.
And if you don't get out of here soon, I'm going to punch you in the face.
Journal needs a quote for the profile.
It's fine.
Just go.
I'll see you at your apartment later.
This is Ben Wyatt.
Excuse me.
I just need to get my coat here.
Could you give me a minute here, please? Are you-- are you okay? Can I get you anything? I-I would like you to just leave and give me a little privacy here, please.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I hope everything's okay.
[Scoffs.]
Nosy people have no respect for personal space.
Ann what the hell? [Laughs.]
I put glitter in all your moisturizers and lotions.
I'm calling it "Sparkle Skin", by Annie.
Twinkle, twinkle, big star.
Ann! That is an amazing idea, and I will buy it from you, but never do that again.
That was really expensive moisturizer.
Yeah, well, you ruined all of my clothes.
Well, then, I did you a huge favor, 'cause they stink.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
Oh, hello, lovers.
- Oh.
- Tom! You're amazing! Kiss me more! - Uh-huh.
- All right.
Enough of this.
Y'all broke up a long time ago, didn't you? No.
We're stronger than ever, so It's all right.
I'ma let y'all have this one.
As someone who has lied a lot about various aspects of a myriad of relationships, I respect the effort you've gone to.
Let's call off the bet.
Thanks, Donna.
No problem.
- I guess that's it.
- Yep.
The end of a relationship.
And the beginning of a partnership.
Let's talk "Sparkle Skin.
" Do we know anyone in product development over at Sephora? Good-bye, Tom.
Here's a picture of me and April making out in her apartment.
- Oh.
- Here's a picture of us making out in Ben's office.
This is a picture-- oh, this is us making out-- I don't know where that is, but you can tell that she's sucking on my lip.
[Laughs.]
Traveling.
Making out-- are you okay, boss? No.
Not really.
I know I should be focusing on this river cleanup, but all I keep thinking about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca.
- Who's Hot Rebecca? - [Sighs.]
She's just this jealousy amalgam I created.
I combined all of the giant, dark-haired, smartphone power goddesses into one woman called Hot Rebecca.
- Ah.
- I mean, Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super PACs.
I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat.
[Laughs.]
I don't even know what a bureaucrat is.
Everything's going to be fine with you and Ben, because if I know Ben, he, too, is an amalgam.
- No.
- Yeah.
Point is, you're better than Hot Rebecca.
You're kickass Leslie.
Long-distance relationships are never easy, but you never, ever give up on stuff.
Thanks.
- That's what makes you - Nope.
An amalgam.
Nailed it.
Ron, a word? Are you aware of what's going on out in your department? I am.
My department is pouting because I didn't put on a puppet show based on the funniest email chain of the year.
I would have liked to have seen that show.
My nomination was Jerry accidentally forwards his bank statement to everyone.
[Laughs.]
Classic And depressing.
The point of a barbecue is not to do hokey, office joke theater.
The point is-- The point of the barbecue was to thank the department.
It was an employee-appreciation barbecue.
Ron, I gave you the chance to become assistant city manager.
And you chose to stay here, which is fine.
But if you're going to lead the department, you occasionally have to lead the department.
And I say that as one of your closest colleagues and dearest friends But also as your boss.
I went to our nation's capital this weekend in order to apply for a federal grant to clean up our city's river.
But things move pretty slow in Washington, and I'm not going to wait around.
Now, I was recently reminded by someone that I'm not the type of person to shy away from hard work.
What? Did I-- Do you need something from me right now? No, no, no.
Never mind.
Point is, I'm going to clean up this river by myself.
Every Saturday from 8:00 a.
m.
to 10:00 a.
m.
, I will be here.
Those are my office hours.
If you want to come and talk to me or ask me questions or raise an issue, this is where I'll be.
Let's get to work, Pawnee.
[Applause.]
Oh, my God.
The smell is so much worse when you get up close.
Yeah.
Oh, look, a handgun.
I call it.
- Holy-- - Whoa! Everyone, get in here now! Your work is appreciated.
Eat some corn.
- Wow.
Thank you, Ron.
- Thanks, boss.
- Thanks, Ron.
- Thanks, Ron.
Also, here's Tom.
Aah! It actually smells really delicious.
It really does.
Give me some of Tommy's ribs.
- Oh, heck, yeah.
- Sorry, Tom.
Oh, my God.
That's good.
I mean, if I'd known it didn't go well with the guy from Interior, I-- No, no, no.
You did nothing wrong.
I'm so happy for you and how much everyone loves you and how great you're doing.
I just freaked out.
I'm sorry.
Long distance sucks.
It does.
But we can do this, right? Yeah, definitely.
Can you come visit next month? We can take a proper tour of the sights.
There's only one sight I want to see right now.
All right, I mean, this is getting weird, but, uh, there it is.
I meant the Jefferson Memorial, you perv.
Right.
Sorry.
Sorry, I-I don't, uh-- I'm--I'm just-- Wait.
No, you didn't.
No, I didn't.
[Both laugh.]
- Spin it around and back it on up.
- All right.
The White House-- America's most whitest house-- most notably is where Sinbad lived in the film First Kid.
Sinbad, wow.
The other tour guide never said anything about that.
Do you know why it's called the Oval Office? No.
Because of a man-- Oval Redenbacher - What? - Popcorn inventor.
He used to hang out with John F.
Kennedy.
Excuse me.
Attention, everyone.
This tour guide is the most amazing tour guide there ever was.
Please, step up.
$200 cash up front.