Pie In The Sky (1994) s05e01 Episode Script
Squashed Tomatoes
1 S05xE01 "Squashed Tomatoes" Jun 29, 1997 [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
I got it.
Good morning, sir.
If you´d like to park straight ahead.
Henry? - Henry Crabbe? - Sir? Derek Willis.
You remember Bramshill, ´76.
Oh, yes, of course But, uh, what on earth are you doing here? Well, I´m supposed to be sorting out the parking, sir.
The parking? Henry Crabbe in charge of parking? Well, it´s a long story.
But how on earth did that happen? Well, actually, sir, it all started out with a Green Zebra.
- A what? - Green Zebra.
It´s a variety of tomato, sir.
HENDERSON: Go on.
Taste it.
Mmm! Good God.
Something else, innit? Here, try this.
Scotland Yellow.
And this [CLEARS THROAT.]
This is a Brandywine.
Thing is, nobody grows ´em anymore.
Except me, right? So you got to promise to keep schtum where you got ´em.
- Okay, Crabbe? - Yes, yes, yes.
- Morning.
- Hello, Gary.
- Come in.
- Hey.
Mutant tomatoes.
Cult.
Cult tomatoes.
Here.
Try this.
Have a taste of Scotland Yellow.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Top tomato, this, H.
Three tomato salad for starters, eh? All different colors.
Olive oil, balsamic vinegar, basil.
Yeah.
Or rocket salad and Parmesan shavings.
Oh, yes, yes.
We´ll definitely take some of these.
Okay, but remember Don´t say where you got ´em.
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Sally´s here.
Sally, welcome! - How lovely to see you.
- Hi.
Now, this is Gary, who´s our chef here.
Hello.
Gary, say hello to Sally, our new waitress.
Hi.
And this is Henderson, who´s our fruit-and-veg man who occasionally helps out in the kitchen.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Henry, you´re starting a new job too, you know? Don´t remind me.
I´ll try and look in around lunchtime.
Good luck.
Perhaps you could take me through the lunch menu.
Yeah.
In a minute.
This is a Big Boy.
Fancy a slice? Do you think Gary will be all right? Oh, he´ll be fine.
It´s you I´m worried about.
- What do you mean? - This new job.
Don´t let it get to you.
Don´t let Fisher get to you.
- [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
- Morning.
- Good morning, sir.
- Morning, morning.
This, the first Public Duties Squad in the country, is at the cutting edge of the new police service.
Why shouldn´t those who can afford it pay for their policing? Many duties previously carried out by police officers are now outsourced to private firms and individuals.
Now, why not go further? Why not promote this practice from within the service? [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
This groundbreaking initiative of mine is designed to ease the burden on the taxpayer, to generate income which will better equip us to fight the battle against crime.
Jenny, I think a photograph now, don´t you? D.
I.
Henry Crabbe.
Who are you? P.
C.
Jane Morton.
P.
C.
Ed Guthrie.
Any idea what he´s on about? I´m afraid so, yes.
Generating income from our human resources.
Cops for hire.
Policing for those who can afford it.
You heard my press statement.
It´s all quite clear, Crabbe.
What, the Public Duties Squad? It´s public in the sense that public schools are public, I suppose.
Cherrytree Close.
It´s a new housing development for the younger executive and so on.
The first buyers move in in two days´ time, but there´s been opposition to the site and the developers want someone to keep an eye on the place.
That means you and your new squad, Crabbe.
But surely that´s a job for a security firm, sir.
Lion Security were under contract, but they didn´t come up to scratch.
You´re to meet Charles Carver of Drumcastle Developments on-site at 1600 hours.
And remember, Crabbe, you´re working in a service industry now.
You must see the general public as your customers.
You know what that means, don´t you? The customer´s always right? It´s gonna make arresting them rather difficult, isn´t it? Two crumbles and a custard, please, Gary.
I don´t know what you put in that steak and kidney pie, but it certainly does the trick.
That guy on table four, he practically inhaled his.
GARY: Well, it´s the house speciality, isn´t it? SALLY: Who´s she? Her name´s Nicola.
She used to work here.
So why did she leave? - Look, if you don´t mind - I´m sorry.
I didn´t mean to [DOOR OPENS.]
Henry just rang.
He says he can´t pick up the tomatoes until later on, can you do another starter for tonight? Did he say what? Yes.
Onion and something tart.
Onion and anchovy tart.
Right.
I´ll have a word if he´s being difficult.
It´s okay.
If I can´t deal with a stroppy chef, I may as well pack it in now.
HENRY: So you go through the village, stay on the Barstock Road, and then turn left.
GUTHRIE: Sir.
It´s not a bad motor, this, actually.
Nice gearbox.
Good brakes.
From what I´ve heard about your driving, we´re gonna need them.
GUTHRIE: If you´re referring to what I think you´re referring to, I wasn´t driving at the time.
Oh, right.
I remember now.
It was some senior officer, wasn´t it? Yeah.
Then again, you´d know all about senior officers, wouldn´t you? What´s that supposed to mean? Excuse me, would somebody tell me what this conversation is all about? Nothing, sir.
- Just a bit of fun, sir.
- Fun? Well, in future, there´ll be no fun on this squad until I give permission.
- Sir.
- Sir.
You´re here at last.
Where the hell have you been? What do you mean, where the hell have I been? Never mind that.
What about the state of this lawn? You´re supposed to have had it all fully turfed.
I´ve got to buy the turf first, haven´t I? - I got to pay out cash for it.
- Yes, all right.
Can we discuss this later on, please, Dove? All I´m saying is I´m paying out every day and I haven´t had a penny yet.
Turf like that don´t grow on trees, you know? Mr.
Carver? Yes, just Just one moment please.
Please will you just get on with it, Dove? We´ll We´ll sort this out tomorrow.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I´m Charles Carver.
Henry Crabbe, Detective Inspector.
- Good afternoon.
- Ah, uniformed police officers.
A sight for sore eyes.
Well, shall we step into the show home, and we´ll run through your duties? Thank you.
Right.
The downstairs toilet is, uh is here.
And the kitchen is, uh Yes, well, the kitchen is Yeah, that´s right.
It´s just through there.
[RATTLES.]
But, uh, please stay out of the other rooms.
Thank you.
As you know, our first buyers move in in two days´ time, so let´s try and keep the place spick and span, shall we? No treading mud in and out, and so on.
Of course, any breakages will be deducted from your fee.
So there we have it.
Um Ah, yes.
Key to the front door.
- Key to the back door.
- HENRY: Thank you.
A word of advice, Inspector Keep an eye out the back.
Woodfield village is just across that field there, and there are people in the village who are very Well, they´re very anti the estate.
I mean, you bring jobs and housing into the area, and people complain about the view from their bedroom window.
Um, Assistant Chief Constable Fisher said that you´d been having some problems.
But when I checked the records, I found that you hadn´t reported any incidents.
Ah, yes.
Yes.
Well, there, um [COUGHS.]
There were incidents, but as to actual witnesses You see, the fact is the security company just weren´t up to it.
Ah.
And now our policy is to to prosecute.
So, um, you will escort all trespassers off the estate, and I believe the law permits you to use, um, reasonable force to do so.
Mr.
Carver, trespass is not of itself an offense unless the trespasser causes damage.
It´s the damage that´s criminal, you see, not the trespass.
Um, yes [COUGHS.]
Uh, yes, well, I´m not here to debate the, um the vagaries of the law with you, Inspector.
This is private property, and your job is to keep people off it.
Um, here´s where you can contact me, if you need me.
Any problems, and let me know immediately.
Right.
- Goodbye.
- HENRY: Thank you.
Right.
I want you two to go ´round the close.
Check for any damage at all, anything out of place Whether it was done by cowboy builders or by vandals, I don´t care.
Write it down.
Because I will not have that bloke Carver claiming it happened while were here, okay? [BEEPS.]
[BEEPING.]
[SIGHS.]
Sir? Guthrie´s found something in the house next door.
Yeah, they didn´t break in.
The door was unlocked.
Squatters? Well, they´re quite house-proud, whoever they are.
Yeah.
He or she? MORTON: He.
HENRY: Radio, razor.
Hardly an alternative lifestyle, is it? Maybe this is who´s been causing all the trouble.
What, they didn´t realize there was camping in one of their own houses? No wonder that security firm got the sack.
I get the feeling this is the sort of bloke that´ll come back for this stuff.
Oh, that´s a beauty.
I´ll have that one.
- HENRY: Afternoon.
- Oh, uh, hello, Crabbe.
This is, um This is, um - Jim.
- Yes! This This is Jim! Hello, Jim.
Thank you, Jim, and s-see you again soon, Jim.
Thank you, Leon.
Must dash.
- Right.
Bye-bye now.
- Bye, Jim.
You´ve got some really weird people hanging ´round your place these days, Henderson.
Are you sure you haven´t gone back to growing wacky-backy? Didn´t you recognize him? No.
Why? Should I? He´s only our honorable member, isn´t he? He´s only Mr.
James Truman MP.
Oh, really? Yeah, he´s growing his own runner beans.
Grandad´s Multicolored.
Black Emperors.
He´s got some lovely ones coming up.
Mind you, he can´t get enough of my toms! No, well, speaking of which, where are mine? Uh, there´s, um There´s been a bit of a hitch there, Crabbe.
What? What do you mean? Well, s-stocks are low.
There aren´t any ready for picking.
What are you talking a He´s had them, hasn´t he? You´ve given my toms to Jim! K-Keep Keep your hair on, Crabbe.
Keep my hair on?! Look, listen to me.
I´ve had a really bad day today, Henderson.
It´s barely halfway through.
Now you tell me some simpering politician´s gone walking off with my Green Zebras.
Well, thanks a lot! [ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
Two soups, one soufflé, and a liver and bacon, please.
Oh, and the guy on table four would like a potato pancake with his liver instead of mash.
What? Well, I said I didn´t think it would be a problem.
The pancake is for the salmon roe and the crème fraîche.
I thought you could just swap them ´round.
HENRY: The gentleman can have the potato pancakes with his liver and bacon if he wishes, Sally.
But please take those plates in before they congeal.
Right.
New customer at the bar, Sally.
I´ve given her a drink.
Okay.
I didn´t know we had sandwiches on the menu.
Well, I´m a night watchman now, didn´t you know? Oh, my hero! Working nights, eating sandwiches.
Hi there.
So there are no tomatoes on the menu in any shape or form? - I´m afraid not.
- Not even in a salad? There´s a delicious green salad.
Well, would you ask the chef if he has any? Of course I will.
You´re not gonna believe this.
There´s this woman on eight demanding tomatoes.
There aren´t any, I tell her.
And she says, "Ask the chef.
" She´s after tomatoes? Let me have a look.
Bloody Nora.
It´s her.
MARGARET: What do you mean, it´s her? Seen her around my place.
Bet she wants to get her hands on my toms.
HENRY: She´s not the only one.
It´s industrial espionage.
You mean vegetable espionage.
You can laugh, but it´s dog-eat-dog in the fruit-and-veg business! MORTON: Mmm.
What´s in this? Oh, it´s just leftovers, I´m afraid.
Chicken and bacon terrine and green chutney.
- It´s true, then.
- What´s that? - You make great sandwiches.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Have you and Guthrie ever worked together before? No.
Why? Well, you were giving his driving such a hard time on the way over earlier on.
I wondered what that was all about.
You haven´t heard Guthrie´s story? No.
P.
C.
Guthrie drives this very senior officer to a charity do.
The senior officer has a few drinks, feels great, decides that he´ll drive home.
Well, Guthrie says no, and they argue.
Guthrie gives in, sits in the passenger´s seat.
The senior officer drives the car into a field, tells Guthrie to say that he was driving.
Well, Guthrie says no, and they argue.
Guthrie gets out of the car, falls in a ditch, and bangs his head on an old gas stove.
When he comes to, he´s strapped to the driver´s seat, surrounded by uniforms.
Well, it´s a good story.
- Yours is even better.
- Oh, yeah? Go on, then.
Okay.
You were destined for great things.
But a rebellious streak means you never make it past detective inspector.
You spend years going after top villain Dudley Hooperman.
You and Hooperman share an interest in good food and fine wine.
You become friends.
Hooperman bribes you and flees the country.
You open a gourmet French restaurant.
The restaurant makes a fortune.
Hooperman hides the money for you in Switzerland.
Then disaster.
Hooperman´s killed in a plane crash.
You can´t find the money.
So here you are chasing trespassers on a building site.
Well, that´s a good story too.
I particularly like the bit about the gourmet French restaurant.
What´s your story, then? Me? I haven´t got a story.
Oh, I think you do have a story, Constable Morton.
Otherwise you wouldn´t be here.
Well GUTHRIE: There´s someone coming across the field, Morton.
Okay.
Turn the light down.
[MAN WHISTLING.]
He´s going into the house opposite.
Coming your way, Guthrie.
Yeah, received.
[WHISTLING CONTINUES.]
Aah! Come here, you! [GROANS.]
Good evening.
So I get a job at Lion Security.
But we can´t find anywhere to live, so we´re stuck at Kelly´s parents.
Kelly´s my wife, right.
And I´m getting all this grief from her mum.
There´s ructions every night about something.
Is that a sandwich in there, sir? Just get on with it.
So I go out one night and have a beer with the lads.
When I get back, there´s this slight accident with her mum´s china squirrels.
The next day I come back, I´m locked out.
So suddenly I´m homeless.
I´m on the street.
Anyway, we´re working here on the close, so I moved in next door.
Can I have a sandwich now? Oh.
Here.
True story.
You can call my governor.
Don´t worry, I intend to.
And if there´s so much as a scratch on any of these houses, it´s criminal damage, right? Now, I want you out of here tonight, Francis.
Please, sir, don´t chuck me out in the middle of the night.
[SIGHS.]
I must be going mad.
All right, first thing tomorrow morning.
- You still love Kelly? - Course I do.
I want to be with her, don´t I? She´s my wife.
Yeah, and she´s married to you, not her mum.
You´ve got to stand up to them both.
It´s the only way you´ll get any respect.
Stand up to them.
Yeah! That´ll just make things worse.
You´ve got to win her mother over.
- Talk to her.
- Talk to her.
Yeah! Look, the only advice you need to follow is to be out of here by the time I get back tomorrow, okay? Now, Guthrie, you´re on your own till 8:00.
- And keep an eye on him.
- Sir.
Um, Francis Who was causing the trouble? What trouble? You know, the vandalism, trespassing.
I mean, that´s the reason your lot got the sack, wasn´t it? No.
There wasn´t any trouble.
And anyway, we weren´t sacked.
Our governors took us off the job ´cause we never got paid.
Oh.
- Where´s Morton? - Good question.
- What´s that supposed to mean? - Morning, Inspector! Morning! Haven´t you heard about Morton, gov? No, I haven´t.
And don´t call me gov.
Well, they say Morton was, uh, over the side with this chief constable, right.
I mean, some people even say it was the Home Secretary.
Anyway, they´re mad for each other, but he´s married, right.
I mean, can´t leave his wife, can he, ´cause of the scandal.
But by now Morton knows where all the bodies are buried.
She could practically bring the government down.
So he has to do a deal, right? She has to spend a year in obscurity You know, till the dust settles And then she´s back on the fast track.
I´ll tell you, she´ll probably be the first woman commissioner.
Either that or standing for Parliament.
Apparently she hasn´t made up her mind yet.
Guthrie, have personnel made up a psychological profile of you? No.
Why? Thanks very much.
Morning, sir.
DOVE: Oi! They´re only climbing over the back fence! Come on.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Oi! Get those dirty boots off my turf.
[LAUGHTER.]
See? KEN: Oh, look, everyone! Uniformed police.
They must be getting desperate.
You´re all trespassing.
This is private property.
Yes, it is.
And there´s a public highway running right through it.
The highway must be kept open and available for public use at all times.
- That´s right! - Well said, Ken.
There´s a public footpath from Woodfield village running right through here, and they´ve put a house right smack on top of it.
MARGARET: Uh, are you absolutely sure about that, Ken? Are you sure you don´t want to recheck the map? KEN: Of course I´m sure! I hope I don´t have to remind you that obstructing the highway or damaging its surface are criminal offenses under the 1980´s Highways Act.
If you arrest us or use unreasonable force, you may be liable to civil action! [LAUGHING.]
Well, he´s not going to do that! Are you? Madam, I have no intention of doing either.
Are you sure? Sir.
Take over here.
Move back, please.
All right, all right.
We´re going.
We´re going.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
What´s this all about, Mr.
Carver? Uh [COUGHS.]
Well, there there is was [CHUCKLES.]
a slight problem about a footpath.
Um, but we are having negotiations with the county council and things are proceeding as they should, Inspector.
Those, um [SIGHS.]
Those people are trespassing.
Yes, well, I think it´s a little early to start taking a hard line on this.
I would suggest, with your permission, that we let these people cross the property in an orderly fashion.
And then perhaps we can clarify this "slight problem" of yours.
The whole point of you being here is to stop this sort of nonsense.
I mean, what kind of a policeman are you, anyway? The legal kind.
You know I´m in the Amblers Association.
I just haven´t been out with them for awhile.
Ken Wainwright rang and asked if I wanted to check up on some old footpaths.
"What do you like to do with your spare time, Mrs.
Crabbe?" "Oh, I like to go ´round the countryside with my mates, the Stroppy Senior Citizens, and do a nice bit of trespassing.
" I wasn´t trespassing! I didn´t jump over the fence! No, but you were going to.
Look, if had known you were working for them, I´d have talked them ´round.
Honestly I would.
I know Ken´s an irritable old so-and-so, but he knows his stuff.
If he says there´s a public right of way across that estate, there will be.
Look [CLEARS THROAT.]
It´s not my problem.
It´s between the council and the developers.
It is your problem.
You´re working for the developers! Look, I know what to do about this path.
You need a definitive map, and you can find one in the highways department at County Hall.
We can go there together.
Come on, Henry, it´ll be fun! Fun.
There it is.
There, there.
MARGARET: No.
Somewhere ´round there.
- No, it´s - Wait.
[TYPING.]
HENRY: Yes.
That´s Woodfield village.
Here´s the Barstock Road.
Goes through the village, turns right, and the new houses should be just around about there.
And dotted line is a footpath.
Very close.
Right.
Yes, you´re quite right about Cherrytree Close, Mrs.
Crabbe.
When Drumcastle Developments were granted planning permission, we gave them the standard warning that the footpath would have to be protected or diverted.
Why didn´t they just divert it? The developers did apply a couple of times for an order to divert, but there were objections.
They were unable to resolve the objections, so they dropped the application and carried on building regardless.
Thought nobody would notice.
Typical.
So, um, w-what did you do? We served them with a Section 143, requiring them to remove the obstruction.
What, you mean knock the house down? No, fortunately that won´t be necessary.
The footpath runs directly through the house.
Removal of the front and back doors will suffice.
The section gives them 28 days to comply.
Those 28 days run out Uh, d-don´t tell me Tomorrow? Ah, yes.
Spot on, Inspector.
We´ll be there, of course, to make sure they comply.
Still, we shouldn´t have any trouble with you around.
They´re gonna take the doors off the house because of some ruddy footpath? So it would seem, sir.
Tomorrow, in fact.
But tomorrow´s the day Drumcastle hand over keys to the first residents.
Yes, well, that´s why they hired us in the first place So it would appear that Drumcastle had the law on their side.
Jenny? Well, it doesn´t look too good, does it? Police officers working arm in arm with developers who are flouting the law? Good God.
On the other hand, officers standing by while the doors are ripped off some newlyweds´ first home Good-looking couple, are they? Telegenic? I have no idea.
But I know there won´t be any embarrassment about Drumcastle paying for us.
- What do you mean? - Well, they´re broke.
Lion Security never got paid.
Nor did anyone else.
Oh, God Almighty.
Can I suggest D.
I.
Crabbe handles the press on this one, sir? He´s been on the site.
He´s got a good grasp of the situation.
It is only a civil matter, after all.
There´s no need for a senior officer to get involved.
Yeah.
Excellent idea.
Thank you, Jenny.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, look, is it always gonna be this way, or are you just having a bad week? Okay.
Fair enough.
There´s just one thing you ought to know.
Any day now, Nicola will be coming back through that door.
Any day now, she´s gonna wake up and realize she made a big mistake.
I´m sure you´re a very nice person.
But pretty soon Nicola will be coming back to her old job.
Do you see what I mean? Listen, Nicola comes back, I´m out of here No problem.
Thanks.
I appreciate that.
There´s a small, grubby person with compost in his hair headed this way, and that can only mean one thing.
Tomatoes.
- Got your toms, Crabbe.
- Marvelous.
- Green Zebra.
- Yes! We should serve these stuffed.
With bread crumbs, sprig of parsley, touch of garlic, and a spot of olive oil.
And then cooked long and slow in a low, low oven.
GARY: Yeah.
Nice one, Chef.
Mind your backs! Whoa! Henry, there´s someone out there wants to see you.
And then they´re roasted slowly in the oven.
I´ve tried them.
They´re delicious.
- Green tomatoes, you said.
- Yeah, but they are ripe.
They´re a rare variety.
You can´t buy them in shops.
In that case I´d better try one, hadn´t I? Okay.
Oh, yes, I remember.
We met in Henderson´s garden.
This is my wife, Anne.
- Hello.
- How do you do? Mr.
Truman is here specially for your tomatoes, Henry.
Oh.
Henderson tipped me off they were on the menu tonight.
I must say they were delicious! Absolutely delicious.
Well, I´m glad you enjoyed them.
Henderson told me that you´re a bit of a runner-bean fanatic.
Indeed I am.
I´ve got some very rare varieties coming up.
Daniel´s Defiance.
Purple Aztec.
Jim thinks his Black Scarlets are going to be particularly magnificent this year, don´t you, darling? Do you know, I´d be very interested in some runners for the restaurant.
Now, that´s a marvelous idea.
Some of my runners? I am honored! Look, here´s my card.
Thank you.
Give me a ring.
We´ll sort something out.
ANNE: That´s marvelous.
Fame at last, eh, darling? [LAUGHS.]
HENRY: Well, good night, now.
Good night.
Thank you.
- There you go, H.
- Oh! Jeez.
- HENRY: All gone? - Not quite.
Good evening.
My name is Liz Smiley.
I´m from the Ministry of Farming and Food.
Can I have a word with the owner? And with you, Mr.
Henderson? Illegal? Are you saying my toms are illegal? Since the European Directive of 1970, it´s been illegal to sell seed varieties that are not registered on the national list.
Ah, ah! B-But I´m not selling seeds, am I? You´re selling tomatoes with the seeds in them.
That´s not my fault! They´re designed like that! Yeah, I mean, people come here to eat his tomatoes, not to plant them.
Mr.
Henderson, if you agree to stop selling these varieties, we´ll think no more about it.
Alternatively, you could register them.
Oh.
And how do I do that? It´ll cost you £2,000 per variety and then approximately £700 a year from then on.
Two grand! If I had two grand, I´d retire! What is the point of all this? The point is neither here nor there.
Regulations must be kept.
It´s as simple as that.
Yes, but I mean, what´s to become of the Green Zebra? Or the Purple Calabash? Doesn´t the fate of the Tiger Tom stir your blood just the teensiest little bit? Not my problem.
A tomato is a tomato is a tomato, Mr.
Crabbe.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
DOVE: Come on! Come on! Hey, come on! Come on! Please open the front door Now.
Who are all these people? [CHEERING.]
MAN: Well done, everybody.
That´s my door.
Uh, yes, I-i-if I might just say that we are of course deeply sorry for any inconvenience caused to this, uh Caused to this young couple, and we will be making alternative arrangements until this unfortunate, um Well, this this This most unfortunate Well, until we´ve resolved this unfortunate I´m sorry, could I just start that again? [CHEERING.]
FILMER: The Highway Authority did warn the developers of the situation from day one, but they ignored the warnings and failed to take correct measures.
Of course we take absolutely no pleasure in the events of today, but responsibility does lie fairly and squarely with Drumcastle Developments.
[CHEERING.]
Public footpaths are for the public, not for developers to put monstrosities on.
Of course we are all terribly sorry about the young couple who The countryside belongs to everybody! The thin end of the wedge, this is! Landowners and developers think they can ride roughshod over the law! Yes, what my friend is saying is that we´re sure the county council is doing everything I´m 76, and my husband is 78! Oh, look! There´s the stile.
It´s up! Come on, everybody! [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Strictly speaking, this isn´t a police problem at all.
Since we´re aware that things like this can cause tensions in small communities like ours, the police are here to ensure fair play.
In fact, I´m pleased to be able to tell you that the council workers have been allowed to get on with their jobs without any let or hindrance whatsoever.
I think Crabbe handled that rather well.
It was all right, I suppose.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Oh, good morning, Inspector! Now, listen to me.
If you people think you´re gonna go marching backwards and forwards through this house all day, then I´ll have you arrested for holding an illegal rave! Now, move on! I don´t understand it, you know? That bloke from the council said you´d applied to have the path diverted.
Twice.
The same person objected both times.
Who was it? [SIGHS.]
Mrs.
Anne Truman.
You can just see her place through there.
Would that be the old manor house? CARVER: That´s the one.
The new pathway would have been 200 yards away.
And is Anne Truman the wife of James Truman MP? He´s the one that objects.
But it wouldn´t look very public spirited, would it? So she signs everything.
It´s like the M1 ´round here.
Hello, Margaret.
Gary said you might like some lunch.
Oh, that´s very kind.
Thank you.
Are you happy now? What, to see the law being upheld? Yes, I am, actually.
What a lovely kitchen.
It´s so nice not having food everywhere.
Yes, if you´re looking for your woolly-hatted friends, they went thataway.
I´d better check on Ken.
He´s turning into Che Guevara.
Did you know there was a couple making love in the hall? What? Morning, sir.
Oh, it´s you.
This is my wife, Kelly.
We´re together again.
I´m very happy for you.
I met her mum to talk it through.
Then she started slagging me off.
Then I did what you said.
I stood up to her.
I said, "Give me some respect, woman.
" Yeah.
That did the trick, did it? Yeah! She slung us both out.
Yes, well, now you´re both obstructing the highway, so please move on.
I was thinking maybe we could stay here tonight.
Francis, out.
- Problem? - HENRY: No.
Didn´t you say this door was locked? - It is.
- Isn´t that your key? No.
HENRY: "Snow White.
" "The Lion King.
" "Bambi.
" "Stormtroopers in Suspenders.
" Do you know anything about these, Mr.
Carver? [GASPING.]
Anxiety attack, sir.
If you think those If you think those videos are No, Mr.
Carver, we don´t think they´re yours.
Whose are they, then? What about Francis? He was working here.
He was even kipping here on the site.
He copies the videos in there, then moves them in and out whenever he wants.
Lion Security pull out three days early, Francis hasn´t got time to move his gear.
Yeah, so he moves in, sneaks in there, and tries to fill up a couple of suitcases.
Do want me to call CID? I´ll pretend you didn´t say that, Guthrie.
Just find out where Francis is working right now and tell him he can stay here tonight.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[DOG BARKS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
All right.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
- Hello, Mr.
Crabbe.
- Hello.
James is busy with his beans, as usual.
I´ll show you through to the kitchen garden.
Thank you.
- Illegal vegetables? - Illegal, yes.
If they´re not registered on this national list.
It´s all to do with seeds, you see? And the tomatoes have got the seeds in them.
I imagine it´s much the same with runner beans.
Well, if what you say is true, this is rather worrying.
You and I, Crabbe, in our respective positions We have to be ultra careful about such things.
Yes.
Ultra careful.
Which is why I wanted to let you know that Henderson seems to be determined to make a bit of a stand about this.
He seems to fancy himself as a martyr to rare vegetables.
That´s up to him, of course.
Yes.
Oh, yes, of course.
But, um, the thing is, he sees you, as an MP, as a very powerful ally.
He´s convinced you´ll stand by him.
Stand by him? Now, before you do that, sir, I think you ought to know that Henderson´s already had a brush with the law several years ago concerning the cultivation of marijuana.
Now, look here.
I can´t afford to be associated with someone like that.
No, of course not.
But it´s Henderson, you see? He´s such a hothead.
You don´t know what he´s gonna do next.
Someone must persuade him not to do anything foolish.
Surely you have influence over him.
You could talk to him, Crabbe.
Yes, well, I suppose I could give it a try.
Ah.
Of course, if there´s ever anything I can do for you I don´t suppose you caught the lunchtime news at all? - No.
- Ah.
You might have seen an item there about Cherrytree Close.
Now, that´s in, um Oh, it´s in that direction, isn´t it? Yes.
Why? Well, it´s a bit of a disaster in public-order terms.
I was there this morning.
It seems that the developers have built a house directly across a public footpath.
Yes.
Most unfortunate situation, I believe.
Yeah.
Of course, if the developers had been allowed to divert the footpath, none of this would´ve happened.
But somebody objected.
Not very public spirited, eh? I see.
I get the picture.
Oh, what picture´s that, sir? You´ll talk to Henderson, and I´ll be public-spirited? I wouldn´t have thought you´d be anything else, sir.
Guthrie, he´s here.
Received.
Cocky little sod´s brought the wife.
Wait a minute.
The van´s going.
Not gonna get the videos very far without it, are they? Kelly.
Here we are.
Come on.
Let´s have a rest.
I´m not tired.
I don´t mean a rest.
I mean a rest.
Well, let´s get something to eat first ´cause I´m starving.
All right.
Let´s go to the kitchen.
They have wicked packed lunches, these lot.
- KELLY: Yeah? - Yeah.
Guthrie, watch it.
They´re going in the kitchen.
Received.
It´s all going very well, isn´t it, Constable? [SIGHS.]
Yes.
Some of that.
Some of that.
Bit of pie.
And half a bottle of wine.
´94.
Excellent year.
What are you doing here, you great twerp? Hello, Mr.
Dove.
What have you got there? You say a word to anyone about this, and I´ll Before you say a word, Mr.
Dove, I think you ought to know that I´ve had it up to the back teeth with gardeners this week.
Footpaths.
Tomatoes.
I thought you were great on the telly.
Well, thanks.
But I thought you and the woolly hats were best.
Cheers.
Cold chicken, cheese, and biscuits.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- We´re closed! - GARY: I´ll get it.
He doesn´t still think that Nicola´s [GROANS.]
It´s for you, Chef.
HENRY: Oh ho! Welcome to my gourmet French restaurant.
We couldn´t get through on the phone.
That´s because the phone´s off the hook.
Have a drumstick.
Anyway, Fisher wants to see you in his office first thing.
Perfect.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
FISHER: Come.
One job, and you´re already running a deficit.
Drumcastle Developments not paid up, then, sir? You know very well they haven´t.
Well, you know, that footpath is being diverted, so perhaps they might be able to sell a couple of their houses.
Point is, Crabbe, you weren´t supposed to go swanning around the place arresting people.
I´m sorry, sir? That´s for somebody else to worry about.
Anyway, I don´t think you´ll get much chance on your next job.
So here I am.
That´s a crying shame, Henry.
Still, a good story, though.
Oh, God, look at the time.
I must get going.
- Well, nice to see you again.
- And you, sir.
Oh, and give my regards to Jane.
Jane? P.
C.
Morton.
Old friend of the family.
I got it.
Good morning, sir.
If you´d like to park straight ahead.
Henry? - Henry Crabbe? - Sir? Derek Willis.
You remember Bramshill, ´76.
Oh, yes, of course But, uh, what on earth are you doing here? Well, I´m supposed to be sorting out the parking, sir.
The parking? Henry Crabbe in charge of parking? Well, it´s a long story.
But how on earth did that happen? Well, actually, sir, it all started out with a Green Zebra.
- A what? - Green Zebra.
It´s a variety of tomato, sir.
HENDERSON: Go on.
Taste it.
Mmm! Good God.
Something else, innit? Here, try this.
Scotland Yellow.
And this [CLEARS THROAT.]
This is a Brandywine.
Thing is, nobody grows ´em anymore.
Except me, right? So you got to promise to keep schtum where you got ´em.
- Okay, Crabbe? - Yes, yes, yes.
- Morning.
- Hello, Gary.
- Come in.
- Hey.
Mutant tomatoes.
Cult.
Cult tomatoes.
Here.
Try this.
Have a taste of Scotland Yellow.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Top tomato, this, H.
Three tomato salad for starters, eh? All different colors.
Olive oil, balsamic vinegar, basil.
Yeah.
Or rocket salad and Parmesan shavings.
Oh, yes, yes.
We´ll definitely take some of these.
Okay, but remember Don´t say where you got ´em.
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Sally´s here.
Sally, welcome! - How lovely to see you.
- Hi.
Now, this is Gary, who´s our chef here.
Hello.
Gary, say hello to Sally, our new waitress.
Hi.
And this is Henderson, who´s our fruit-and-veg man who occasionally helps out in the kitchen.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Henry, you´re starting a new job too, you know? Don´t remind me.
I´ll try and look in around lunchtime.
Good luck.
Perhaps you could take me through the lunch menu.
Yeah.
In a minute.
This is a Big Boy.
Fancy a slice? Do you think Gary will be all right? Oh, he´ll be fine.
It´s you I´m worried about.
- What do you mean? - This new job.
Don´t let it get to you.
Don´t let Fisher get to you.
- [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
- Morning.
- Good morning, sir.
- Morning, morning.
This, the first Public Duties Squad in the country, is at the cutting edge of the new police service.
Why shouldn´t those who can afford it pay for their policing? Many duties previously carried out by police officers are now outsourced to private firms and individuals.
Now, why not go further? Why not promote this practice from within the service? [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
This groundbreaking initiative of mine is designed to ease the burden on the taxpayer, to generate income which will better equip us to fight the battle against crime.
Jenny, I think a photograph now, don´t you? D.
I.
Henry Crabbe.
Who are you? P.
C.
Jane Morton.
P.
C.
Ed Guthrie.
Any idea what he´s on about? I´m afraid so, yes.
Generating income from our human resources.
Cops for hire.
Policing for those who can afford it.
You heard my press statement.
It´s all quite clear, Crabbe.
What, the Public Duties Squad? It´s public in the sense that public schools are public, I suppose.
Cherrytree Close.
It´s a new housing development for the younger executive and so on.
The first buyers move in in two days´ time, but there´s been opposition to the site and the developers want someone to keep an eye on the place.
That means you and your new squad, Crabbe.
But surely that´s a job for a security firm, sir.
Lion Security were under contract, but they didn´t come up to scratch.
You´re to meet Charles Carver of Drumcastle Developments on-site at 1600 hours.
And remember, Crabbe, you´re working in a service industry now.
You must see the general public as your customers.
You know what that means, don´t you? The customer´s always right? It´s gonna make arresting them rather difficult, isn´t it? Two crumbles and a custard, please, Gary.
I don´t know what you put in that steak and kidney pie, but it certainly does the trick.
That guy on table four, he practically inhaled his.
GARY: Well, it´s the house speciality, isn´t it? SALLY: Who´s she? Her name´s Nicola.
She used to work here.
So why did she leave? - Look, if you don´t mind - I´m sorry.
I didn´t mean to [DOOR OPENS.]
Henry just rang.
He says he can´t pick up the tomatoes until later on, can you do another starter for tonight? Did he say what? Yes.
Onion and something tart.
Onion and anchovy tart.
Right.
I´ll have a word if he´s being difficult.
It´s okay.
If I can´t deal with a stroppy chef, I may as well pack it in now.
HENRY: So you go through the village, stay on the Barstock Road, and then turn left.
GUTHRIE: Sir.
It´s not a bad motor, this, actually.
Nice gearbox.
Good brakes.
From what I´ve heard about your driving, we´re gonna need them.
GUTHRIE: If you´re referring to what I think you´re referring to, I wasn´t driving at the time.
Oh, right.
I remember now.
It was some senior officer, wasn´t it? Yeah.
Then again, you´d know all about senior officers, wouldn´t you? What´s that supposed to mean? Excuse me, would somebody tell me what this conversation is all about? Nothing, sir.
- Just a bit of fun, sir.
- Fun? Well, in future, there´ll be no fun on this squad until I give permission.
- Sir.
- Sir.
You´re here at last.
Where the hell have you been? What do you mean, where the hell have I been? Never mind that.
What about the state of this lawn? You´re supposed to have had it all fully turfed.
I´ve got to buy the turf first, haven´t I? - I got to pay out cash for it.
- Yes, all right.
Can we discuss this later on, please, Dove? All I´m saying is I´m paying out every day and I haven´t had a penny yet.
Turf like that don´t grow on trees, you know? Mr.
Carver? Yes, just Just one moment please.
Please will you just get on with it, Dove? We´ll We´ll sort this out tomorrow.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I´m Charles Carver.
Henry Crabbe, Detective Inspector.
- Good afternoon.
- Ah, uniformed police officers.
A sight for sore eyes.
Well, shall we step into the show home, and we´ll run through your duties? Thank you.
Right.
The downstairs toilet is, uh is here.
And the kitchen is, uh Yes, well, the kitchen is Yeah, that´s right.
It´s just through there.
[RATTLES.]
But, uh, please stay out of the other rooms.
Thank you.
As you know, our first buyers move in in two days´ time, so let´s try and keep the place spick and span, shall we? No treading mud in and out, and so on.
Of course, any breakages will be deducted from your fee.
So there we have it.
Um Ah, yes.
Key to the front door.
- Key to the back door.
- HENRY: Thank you.
A word of advice, Inspector Keep an eye out the back.
Woodfield village is just across that field there, and there are people in the village who are very Well, they´re very anti the estate.
I mean, you bring jobs and housing into the area, and people complain about the view from their bedroom window.
Um, Assistant Chief Constable Fisher said that you´d been having some problems.
But when I checked the records, I found that you hadn´t reported any incidents.
Ah, yes.
Yes.
Well, there, um [COUGHS.]
There were incidents, but as to actual witnesses You see, the fact is the security company just weren´t up to it.
Ah.
And now our policy is to to prosecute.
So, um, you will escort all trespassers off the estate, and I believe the law permits you to use, um, reasonable force to do so.
Mr.
Carver, trespass is not of itself an offense unless the trespasser causes damage.
It´s the damage that´s criminal, you see, not the trespass.
Um, yes [COUGHS.]
Uh, yes, well, I´m not here to debate the, um the vagaries of the law with you, Inspector.
This is private property, and your job is to keep people off it.
Um, here´s where you can contact me, if you need me.
Any problems, and let me know immediately.
Right.
- Goodbye.
- HENRY: Thank you.
Right.
I want you two to go ´round the close.
Check for any damage at all, anything out of place Whether it was done by cowboy builders or by vandals, I don´t care.
Write it down.
Because I will not have that bloke Carver claiming it happened while were here, okay? [BEEPS.]
[BEEPING.]
[SIGHS.]
Sir? Guthrie´s found something in the house next door.
Yeah, they didn´t break in.
The door was unlocked.
Squatters? Well, they´re quite house-proud, whoever they are.
Yeah.
He or she? MORTON: He.
HENRY: Radio, razor.
Hardly an alternative lifestyle, is it? Maybe this is who´s been causing all the trouble.
What, they didn´t realize there was camping in one of their own houses? No wonder that security firm got the sack.
I get the feeling this is the sort of bloke that´ll come back for this stuff.
Oh, that´s a beauty.
I´ll have that one.
- HENRY: Afternoon.
- Oh, uh, hello, Crabbe.
This is, um This is, um - Jim.
- Yes! This This is Jim! Hello, Jim.
Thank you, Jim, and s-see you again soon, Jim.
Thank you, Leon.
Must dash.
- Right.
Bye-bye now.
- Bye, Jim.
You´ve got some really weird people hanging ´round your place these days, Henderson.
Are you sure you haven´t gone back to growing wacky-backy? Didn´t you recognize him? No.
Why? Should I? He´s only our honorable member, isn´t he? He´s only Mr.
James Truman MP.
Oh, really? Yeah, he´s growing his own runner beans.
Grandad´s Multicolored.
Black Emperors.
He´s got some lovely ones coming up.
Mind you, he can´t get enough of my toms! No, well, speaking of which, where are mine? Uh, there´s, um There´s been a bit of a hitch there, Crabbe.
What? What do you mean? Well, s-stocks are low.
There aren´t any ready for picking.
What are you talking a He´s had them, hasn´t he? You´ve given my toms to Jim! K-Keep Keep your hair on, Crabbe.
Keep my hair on?! Look, listen to me.
I´ve had a really bad day today, Henderson.
It´s barely halfway through.
Now you tell me some simpering politician´s gone walking off with my Green Zebras.
Well, thanks a lot! [ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
Two soups, one soufflé, and a liver and bacon, please.
Oh, and the guy on table four would like a potato pancake with his liver instead of mash.
What? Well, I said I didn´t think it would be a problem.
The pancake is for the salmon roe and the crème fraîche.
I thought you could just swap them ´round.
HENRY: The gentleman can have the potato pancakes with his liver and bacon if he wishes, Sally.
But please take those plates in before they congeal.
Right.
New customer at the bar, Sally.
I´ve given her a drink.
Okay.
I didn´t know we had sandwiches on the menu.
Well, I´m a night watchman now, didn´t you know? Oh, my hero! Working nights, eating sandwiches.
Hi there.
So there are no tomatoes on the menu in any shape or form? - I´m afraid not.
- Not even in a salad? There´s a delicious green salad.
Well, would you ask the chef if he has any? Of course I will.
You´re not gonna believe this.
There´s this woman on eight demanding tomatoes.
There aren´t any, I tell her.
And she says, "Ask the chef.
" She´s after tomatoes? Let me have a look.
Bloody Nora.
It´s her.
MARGARET: What do you mean, it´s her? Seen her around my place.
Bet she wants to get her hands on my toms.
HENRY: She´s not the only one.
It´s industrial espionage.
You mean vegetable espionage.
You can laugh, but it´s dog-eat-dog in the fruit-and-veg business! MORTON: Mmm.
What´s in this? Oh, it´s just leftovers, I´m afraid.
Chicken and bacon terrine and green chutney.
- It´s true, then.
- What´s that? - You make great sandwiches.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Have you and Guthrie ever worked together before? No.
Why? Well, you were giving his driving such a hard time on the way over earlier on.
I wondered what that was all about.
You haven´t heard Guthrie´s story? No.
P.
C.
Guthrie drives this very senior officer to a charity do.
The senior officer has a few drinks, feels great, decides that he´ll drive home.
Well, Guthrie says no, and they argue.
Guthrie gives in, sits in the passenger´s seat.
The senior officer drives the car into a field, tells Guthrie to say that he was driving.
Well, Guthrie says no, and they argue.
Guthrie gets out of the car, falls in a ditch, and bangs his head on an old gas stove.
When he comes to, he´s strapped to the driver´s seat, surrounded by uniforms.
Well, it´s a good story.
- Yours is even better.
- Oh, yeah? Go on, then.
Okay.
You were destined for great things.
But a rebellious streak means you never make it past detective inspector.
You spend years going after top villain Dudley Hooperman.
You and Hooperman share an interest in good food and fine wine.
You become friends.
Hooperman bribes you and flees the country.
You open a gourmet French restaurant.
The restaurant makes a fortune.
Hooperman hides the money for you in Switzerland.
Then disaster.
Hooperman´s killed in a plane crash.
You can´t find the money.
So here you are chasing trespassers on a building site.
Well, that´s a good story too.
I particularly like the bit about the gourmet French restaurant.
What´s your story, then? Me? I haven´t got a story.
Oh, I think you do have a story, Constable Morton.
Otherwise you wouldn´t be here.
Well GUTHRIE: There´s someone coming across the field, Morton.
Okay.
Turn the light down.
[MAN WHISTLING.]
He´s going into the house opposite.
Coming your way, Guthrie.
Yeah, received.
[WHISTLING CONTINUES.]
Aah! Come here, you! [GROANS.]
Good evening.
So I get a job at Lion Security.
But we can´t find anywhere to live, so we´re stuck at Kelly´s parents.
Kelly´s my wife, right.
And I´m getting all this grief from her mum.
There´s ructions every night about something.
Is that a sandwich in there, sir? Just get on with it.
So I go out one night and have a beer with the lads.
When I get back, there´s this slight accident with her mum´s china squirrels.
The next day I come back, I´m locked out.
So suddenly I´m homeless.
I´m on the street.
Anyway, we´re working here on the close, so I moved in next door.
Can I have a sandwich now? Oh.
Here.
True story.
You can call my governor.
Don´t worry, I intend to.
And if there´s so much as a scratch on any of these houses, it´s criminal damage, right? Now, I want you out of here tonight, Francis.
Please, sir, don´t chuck me out in the middle of the night.
[SIGHS.]
I must be going mad.
All right, first thing tomorrow morning.
- You still love Kelly? - Course I do.
I want to be with her, don´t I? She´s my wife.
Yeah, and she´s married to you, not her mum.
You´ve got to stand up to them both.
It´s the only way you´ll get any respect.
Stand up to them.
Yeah! That´ll just make things worse.
You´ve got to win her mother over.
- Talk to her.
- Talk to her.
Yeah! Look, the only advice you need to follow is to be out of here by the time I get back tomorrow, okay? Now, Guthrie, you´re on your own till 8:00.
- And keep an eye on him.
- Sir.
Um, Francis Who was causing the trouble? What trouble? You know, the vandalism, trespassing.
I mean, that´s the reason your lot got the sack, wasn´t it? No.
There wasn´t any trouble.
And anyway, we weren´t sacked.
Our governors took us off the job ´cause we never got paid.
Oh.
- Where´s Morton? - Good question.
- What´s that supposed to mean? - Morning, Inspector! Morning! Haven´t you heard about Morton, gov? No, I haven´t.
And don´t call me gov.
Well, they say Morton was, uh, over the side with this chief constable, right.
I mean, some people even say it was the Home Secretary.
Anyway, they´re mad for each other, but he´s married, right.
I mean, can´t leave his wife, can he, ´cause of the scandal.
But by now Morton knows where all the bodies are buried.
She could practically bring the government down.
So he has to do a deal, right? She has to spend a year in obscurity You know, till the dust settles And then she´s back on the fast track.
I´ll tell you, she´ll probably be the first woman commissioner.
Either that or standing for Parliament.
Apparently she hasn´t made up her mind yet.
Guthrie, have personnel made up a psychological profile of you? No.
Why? Thanks very much.
Morning, sir.
DOVE: Oi! They´re only climbing over the back fence! Come on.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Oi! Get those dirty boots off my turf.
[LAUGHTER.]
See? KEN: Oh, look, everyone! Uniformed police.
They must be getting desperate.
You´re all trespassing.
This is private property.
Yes, it is.
And there´s a public highway running right through it.
The highway must be kept open and available for public use at all times.
- That´s right! - Well said, Ken.
There´s a public footpath from Woodfield village running right through here, and they´ve put a house right smack on top of it.
MARGARET: Uh, are you absolutely sure about that, Ken? Are you sure you don´t want to recheck the map? KEN: Of course I´m sure! I hope I don´t have to remind you that obstructing the highway or damaging its surface are criminal offenses under the 1980´s Highways Act.
If you arrest us or use unreasonable force, you may be liable to civil action! [LAUGHING.]
Well, he´s not going to do that! Are you? Madam, I have no intention of doing either.
Are you sure? Sir.
Take over here.
Move back, please.
All right, all right.
We´re going.
We´re going.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
What´s this all about, Mr.
Carver? Uh [COUGHS.]
Well, there there is was [CHUCKLES.]
a slight problem about a footpath.
Um, but we are having negotiations with the county council and things are proceeding as they should, Inspector.
Those, um [SIGHS.]
Those people are trespassing.
Yes, well, I think it´s a little early to start taking a hard line on this.
I would suggest, with your permission, that we let these people cross the property in an orderly fashion.
And then perhaps we can clarify this "slight problem" of yours.
The whole point of you being here is to stop this sort of nonsense.
I mean, what kind of a policeman are you, anyway? The legal kind.
You know I´m in the Amblers Association.
I just haven´t been out with them for awhile.
Ken Wainwright rang and asked if I wanted to check up on some old footpaths.
"What do you like to do with your spare time, Mrs.
Crabbe?" "Oh, I like to go ´round the countryside with my mates, the Stroppy Senior Citizens, and do a nice bit of trespassing.
" I wasn´t trespassing! I didn´t jump over the fence! No, but you were going to.
Look, if had known you were working for them, I´d have talked them ´round.
Honestly I would.
I know Ken´s an irritable old so-and-so, but he knows his stuff.
If he says there´s a public right of way across that estate, there will be.
Look [CLEARS THROAT.]
It´s not my problem.
It´s between the council and the developers.
It is your problem.
You´re working for the developers! Look, I know what to do about this path.
You need a definitive map, and you can find one in the highways department at County Hall.
We can go there together.
Come on, Henry, it´ll be fun! Fun.
There it is.
There, there.
MARGARET: No.
Somewhere ´round there.
- No, it´s - Wait.
[TYPING.]
HENRY: Yes.
That´s Woodfield village.
Here´s the Barstock Road.
Goes through the village, turns right, and the new houses should be just around about there.
And dotted line is a footpath.
Very close.
Right.
Yes, you´re quite right about Cherrytree Close, Mrs.
Crabbe.
When Drumcastle Developments were granted planning permission, we gave them the standard warning that the footpath would have to be protected or diverted.
Why didn´t they just divert it? The developers did apply a couple of times for an order to divert, but there were objections.
They were unable to resolve the objections, so they dropped the application and carried on building regardless.
Thought nobody would notice.
Typical.
So, um, w-what did you do? We served them with a Section 143, requiring them to remove the obstruction.
What, you mean knock the house down? No, fortunately that won´t be necessary.
The footpath runs directly through the house.
Removal of the front and back doors will suffice.
The section gives them 28 days to comply.
Those 28 days run out Uh, d-don´t tell me Tomorrow? Ah, yes.
Spot on, Inspector.
We´ll be there, of course, to make sure they comply.
Still, we shouldn´t have any trouble with you around.
They´re gonna take the doors off the house because of some ruddy footpath? So it would seem, sir.
Tomorrow, in fact.
But tomorrow´s the day Drumcastle hand over keys to the first residents.
Yes, well, that´s why they hired us in the first place So it would appear that Drumcastle had the law on their side.
Jenny? Well, it doesn´t look too good, does it? Police officers working arm in arm with developers who are flouting the law? Good God.
On the other hand, officers standing by while the doors are ripped off some newlyweds´ first home Good-looking couple, are they? Telegenic? I have no idea.
But I know there won´t be any embarrassment about Drumcastle paying for us.
- What do you mean? - Well, they´re broke.
Lion Security never got paid.
Nor did anyone else.
Oh, God Almighty.
Can I suggest D.
I.
Crabbe handles the press on this one, sir? He´s been on the site.
He´s got a good grasp of the situation.
It is only a civil matter, after all.
There´s no need for a senior officer to get involved.
Yeah.
Excellent idea.
Thank you, Jenny.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, look, is it always gonna be this way, or are you just having a bad week? Okay.
Fair enough.
There´s just one thing you ought to know.
Any day now, Nicola will be coming back through that door.
Any day now, she´s gonna wake up and realize she made a big mistake.
I´m sure you´re a very nice person.
But pretty soon Nicola will be coming back to her old job.
Do you see what I mean? Listen, Nicola comes back, I´m out of here No problem.
Thanks.
I appreciate that.
There´s a small, grubby person with compost in his hair headed this way, and that can only mean one thing.
Tomatoes.
- Got your toms, Crabbe.
- Marvelous.
- Green Zebra.
- Yes! We should serve these stuffed.
With bread crumbs, sprig of parsley, touch of garlic, and a spot of olive oil.
And then cooked long and slow in a low, low oven.
GARY: Yeah.
Nice one, Chef.
Mind your backs! Whoa! Henry, there´s someone out there wants to see you.
And then they´re roasted slowly in the oven.
I´ve tried them.
They´re delicious.
- Green tomatoes, you said.
- Yeah, but they are ripe.
They´re a rare variety.
You can´t buy them in shops.
In that case I´d better try one, hadn´t I? Okay.
Oh, yes, I remember.
We met in Henderson´s garden.
This is my wife, Anne.
- Hello.
- How do you do? Mr.
Truman is here specially for your tomatoes, Henry.
Oh.
Henderson tipped me off they were on the menu tonight.
I must say they were delicious! Absolutely delicious.
Well, I´m glad you enjoyed them.
Henderson told me that you´re a bit of a runner-bean fanatic.
Indeed I am.
I´ve got some very rare varieties coming up.
Daniel´s Defiance.
Purple Aztec.
Jim thinks his Black Scarlets are going to be particularly magnificent this year, don´t you, darling? Do you know, I´d be very interested in some runners for the restaurant.
Now, that´s a marvelous idea.
Some of my runners? I am honored! Look, here´s my card.
Thank you.
Give me a ring.
We´ll sort something out.
ANNE: That´s marvelous.
Fame at last, eh, darling? [LAUGHS.]
HENRY: Well, good night, now.
Good night.
Thank you.
- There you go, H.
- Oh! Jeez.
- HENRY: All gone? - Not quite.
Good evening.
My name is Liz Smiley.
I´m from the Ministry of Farming and Food.
Can I have a word with the owner? And with you, Mr.
Henderson? Illegal? Are you saying my toms are illegal? Since the European Directive of 1970, it´s been illegal to sell seed varieties that are not registered on the national list.
Ah, ah! B-But I´m not selling seeds, am I? You´re selling tomatoes with the seeds in them.
That´s not my fault! They´re designed like that! Yeah, I mean, people come here to eat his tomatoes, not to plant them.
Mr.
Henderson, if you agree to stop selling these varieties, we´ll think no more about it.
Alternatively, you could register them.
Oh.
And how do I do that? It´ll cost you £2,000 per variety and then approximately £700 a year from then on.
Two grand! If I had two grand, I´d retire! What is the point of all this? The point is neither here nor there.
Regulations must be kept.
It´s as simple as that.
Yes, but I mean, what´s to become of the Green Zebra? Or the Purple Calabash? Doesn´t the fate of the Tiger Tom stir your blood just the teensiest little bit? Not my problem.
A tomato is a tomato is a tomato, Mr.
Crabbe.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
DOVE: Come on! Come on! Hey, come on! Come on! Please open the front door Now.
Who are all these people? [CHEERING.]
MAN: Well done, everybody.
That´s my door.
Uh, yes, I-i-if I might just say that we are of course deeply sorry for any inconvenience caused to this, uh Caused to this young couple, and we will be making alternative arrangements until this unfortunate, um Well, this this This most unfortunate Well, until we´ve resolved this unfortunate I´m sorry, could I just start that again? [CHEERING.]
FILMER: The Highway Authority did warn the developers of the situation from day one, but they ignored the warnings and failed to take correct measures.
Of course we take absolutely no pleasure in the events of today, but responsibility does lie fairly and squarely with Drumcastle Developments.
[CHEERING.]
Public footpaths are for the public, not for developers to put monstrosities on.
Of course we are all terribly sorry about the young couple who The countryside belongs to everybody! The thin end of the wedge, this is! Landowners and developers think they can ride roughshod over the law! Yes, what my friend is saying is that we´re sure the county council is doing everything I´m 76, and my husband is 78! Oh, look! There´s the stile.
It´s up! Come on, everybody! [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Strictly speaking, this isn´t a police problem at all.
Since we´re aware that things like this can cause tensions in small communities like ours, the police are here to ensure fair play.
In fact, I´m pleased to be able to tell you that the council workers have been allowed to get on with their jobs without any let or hindrance whatsoever.
I think Crabbe handled that rather well.
It was all right, I suppose.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Oh, good morning, Inspector! Now, listen to me.
If you people think you´re gonna go marching backwards and forwards through this house all day, then I´ll have you arrested for holding an illegal rave! Now, move on! I don´t understand it, you know? That bloke from the council said you´d applied to have the path diverted.
Twice.
The same person objected both times.
Who was it? [SIGHS.]
Mrs.
Anne Truman.
You can just see her place through there.
Would that be the old manor house? CARVER: That´s the one.
The new pathway would have been 200 yards away.
And is Anne Truman the wife of James Truman MP? He´s the one that objects.
But it wouldn´t look very public spirited, would it? So she signs everything.
It´s like the M1 ´round here.
Hello, Margaret.
Gary said you might like some lunch.
Oh, that´s very kind.
Thank you.
Are you happy now? What, to see the law being upheld? Yes, I am, actually.
What a lovely kitchen.
It´s so nice not having food everywhere.
Yes, if you´re looking for your woolly-hatted friends, they went thataway.
I´d better check on Ken.
He´s turning into Che Guevara.
Did you know there was a couple making love in the hall? What? Morning, sir.
Oh, it´s you.
This is my wife, Kelly.
We´re together again.
I´m very happy for you.
I met her mum to talk it through.
Then she started slagging me off.
Then I did what you said.
I stood up to her.
I said, "Give me some respect, woman.
" Yeah.
That did the trick, did it? Yeah! She slung us both out.
Yes, well, now you´re both obstructing the highway, so please move on.
I was thinking maybe we could stay here tonight.
Francis, out.
- Problem? - HENRY: No.
Didn´t you say this door was locked? - It is.
- Isn´t that your key? No.
HENRY: "Snow White.
" "The Lion King.
" "Bambi.
" "Stormtroopers in Suspenders.
" Do you know anything about these, Mr.
Carver? [GASPING.]
Anxiety attack, sir.
If you think those If you think those videos are No, Mr.
Carver, we don´t think they´re yours.
Whose are they, then? What about Francis? He was working here.
He was even kipping here on the site.
He copies the videos in there, then moves them in and out whenever he wants.
Lion Security pull out three days early, Francis hasn´t got time to move his gear.
Yeah, so he moves in, sneaks in there, and tries to fill up a couple of suitcases.
Do want me to call CID? I´ll pretend you didn´t say that, Guthrie.
Just find out where Francis is working right now and tell him he can stay here tonight.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[DOG BARKS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
All right.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
- Hello, Mr.
Crabbe.
- Hello.
James is busy with his beans, as usual.
I´ll show you through to the kitchen garden.
Thank you.
- Illegal vegetables? - Illegal, yes.
If they´re not registered on this national list.
It´s all to do with seeds, you see? And the tomatoes have got the seeds in them.
I imagine it´s much the same with runner beans.
Well, if what you say is true, this is rather worrying.
You and I, Crabbe, in our respective positions We have to be ultra careful about such things.
Yes.
Ultra careful.
Which is why I wanted to let you know that Henderson seems to be determined to make a bit of a stand about this.
He seems to fancy himself as a martyr to rare vegetables.
That´s up to him, of course.
Yes.
Oh, yes, of course.
But, um, the thing is, he sees you, as an MP, as a very powerful ally.
He´s convinced you´ll stand by him.
Stand by him? Now, before you do that, sir, I think you ought to know that Henderson´s already had a brush with the law several years ago concerning the cultivation of marijuana.
Now, look here.
I can´t afford to be associated with someone like that.
No, of course not.
But it´s Henderson, you see? He´s such a hothead.
You don´t know what he´s gonna do next.
Someone must persuade him not to do anything foolish.
Surely you have influence over him.
You could talk to him, Crabbe.
Yes, well, I suppose I could give it a try.
Ah.
Of course, if there´s ever anything I can do for you I don´t suppose you caught the lunchtime news at all? - No.
- Ah.
You might have seen an item there about Cherrytree Close.
Now, that´s in, um Oh, it´s in that direction, isn´t it? Yes.
Why? Well, it´s a bit of a disaster in public-order terms.
I was there this morning.
It seems that the developers have built a house directly across a public footpath.
Yes.
Most unfortunate situation, I believe.
Yeah.
Of course, if the developers had been allowed to divert the footpath, none of this would´ve happened.
But somebody objected.
Not very public spirited, eh? I see.
I get the picture.
Oh, what picture´s that, sir? You´ll talk to Henderson, and I´ll be public-spirited? I wouldn´t have thought you´d be anything else, sir.
Guthrie, he´s here.
Received.
Cocky little sod´s brought the wife.
Wait a minute.
The van´s going.
Not gonna get the videos very far without it, are they? Kelly.
Here we are.
Come on.
Let´s have a rest.
I´m not tired.
I don´t mean a rest.
I mean a rest.
Well, let´s get something to eat first ´cause I´m starving.
All right.
Let´s go to the kitchen.
They have wicked packed lunches, these lot.
- KELLY: Yeah? - Yeah.
Guthrie, watch it.
They´re going in the kitchen.
Received.
It´s all going very well, isn´t it, Constable? [SIGHS.]
Yes.
Some of that.
Some of that.
Bit of pie.
And half a bottle of wine.
´94.
Excellent year.
What are you doing here, you great twerp? Hello, Mr.
Dove.
What have you got there? You say a word to anyone about this, and I´ll Before you say a word, Mr.
Dove, I think you ought to know that I´ve had it up to the back teeth with gardeners this week.
Footpaths.
Tomatoes.
I thought you were great on the telly.
Well, thanks.
But I thought you and the woolly hats were best.
Cheers.
Cold chicken, cheese, and biscuits.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- We´re closed! - GARY: I´ll get it.
He doesn´t still think that Nicola´s [GROANS.]
It´s for you, Chef.
HENRY: Oh ho! Welcome to my gourmet French restaurant.
We couldn´t get through on the phone.
That´s because the phone´s off the hook.
Have a drumstick.
Anyway, Fisher wants to see you in his office first thing.
Perfect.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
FISHER: Come.
One job, and you´re already running a deficit.
Drumcastle Developments not paid up, then, sir? You know very well they haven´t.
Well, you know, that footpath is being diverted, so perhaps they might be able to sell a couple of their houses.
Point is, Crabbe, you weren´t supposed to go swanning around the place arresting people.
I´m sorry, sir? That´s for somebody else to worry about.
Anyway, I don´t think you´ll get much chance on your next job.
So here I am.
That´s a crying shame, Henry.
Still, a good story, though.
Oh, God, look at the time.
I must get going.
- Well, nice to see you again.
- And you, sir.
Oh, and give my regards to Jane.
Jane? P.
C.
Morton.
Old friend of the family.