Reno 911! (2003) s05e01 Episode Script
Jumping the Shark
Ok, it is finally happening.
We are jumping the shark.
[cheering.]
Raineesha: Jumping, jumping.
Jump, jump that shark.
Lieutenant jim dangle will be jumping a shark to fight autism.
[cheering.]
support autism! All: Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
Go, dangle.
Go, dangle.
[air gun.]
Man: Go, jim! Oh, ugh! Oh, god.
Shit! [all yelling.]
Oh my god! I'm gonna throw up! Will you be my life partner? [babbling.]
say yes! Yes! Kid: Faggot! My water just broke.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
[siren.]
Hah! Heh! Mother fucking Cock sucker! What holiday is it? If anyone here objects To this same-sex partnership union, You may speak now Or forever hold your peace.
Whoa, oh.
Uh I, uh I got somethin' to say.
When love asks you to dance, You take it by the hand and you head to the floor.
Leslie, will you dance with me? Until the last dance in heaven.
[whispers.]
I know who the father is.
Sheriff's department! Freeze! Freeze! Get on the ground! Freeze! [gunshots.]
[indistinct yelling.]
D'oh! What? What? [all screaming.]
All right.
[grunting.]
There's a tornado.
No, no, terry.
Crowd: Hell no, we won't blow.
[gunshots.]
Yeah! Oh, he's my friend.
[grunts.]
[gunshot.]
[yells.]
mtv networks Trudy, whispering: I know who the father is.
[laughing.]
man: Oh, wow.
What, did you all think that was real? Come on, man.
Section 501, paragraph "c," "nevada state bylaws prohibit same-sex marriages Between a man, a man, a woman, and a woman.
" It is illegal to marry another man, jim, in the state of nevada.
Therefore, I place your, Uh, would-be husband under arrest.
Oh, what the fuck.
[laughing.]
Second man: Get the- [indistinct chatter.]
Anything you say can and will be used against you- Oh, bro, you're chumming for a lawsuit.
You have the right to an attorney- Lawsuit, bro.
If you cannot afford an attorney, Which I know you cannot- You know I fucking can't afford one.
Welcome back.
Thank you, thank you.
I assure you, to those of you Who have not stayed in our jail recently, It is an effective deterrent.
Jim, I just wanted to say- Speak-talk to me through your attorney.
We speak through our attorney, now.
Ok.
- You remember that, right? - Just doin' my job.
That was part of the agreement.
Just doin' my job.
- Ahem, trudy? - Yes? I believe you had an announcement you wanted to make.
We all know that I went to a sperm bank.
And the father is Someone in this room.
We knew that already.
We knew that already.
Oh.
You said you knew? Oh, I know.
And you're going to lord it over us Like the sword of damocles, like a weapon.
Is this going to become some sort of psychological weapon In your passive-aggressive arsenal of psychosis? Hadn't thought about- but that's a great idea.
That's what it is.
What are your plans for the boy? [mumbling.]
Raineesha: One more time.
[mumbling.]
He's got a rice suit, so No.
Take it from me, You don't want to be on your own with no kids.
Go on and call your baby's daddy out! Do it.
And make him step up to the plate.
Man: Do it.
Do the right thing.
Oh, I'm going to do the right thing.
You better believe it.
So, how much? Ohh, all right.
We can't have anymore children of our own.
Mm-hmm, no.
Ahhh.
So we have one, But we can't have anymore.
After we had her, I got sewed up real.
Very snug, yeah.
So we can't do it anymore.
I'm pretty sure she did it on purpose.
You know what, just because you're buying my baby Doesn't mean I need to know anything about you.
Oh, does he have any makeup allergies? Not that I'm aware of.
Healthy appetite? Very healthy appetite.
He eats like a pig, but not too much.
Has he ever been rendered disqualified Or ineligible from any of the following organizations? Junior miss reno? Uh, no.
The little ladies girls' parade? What are the- what's this? Um, arabian empresses? Of course not.
What is this? These are pageants, we're on the circuit.
Oh, like a carnival, like a freak show? [laughing.]
It's hardly a freak show, no, no.
This is just a pageant circuit.
We want to try and get, uh, get it out there As quickly as possible.
Sexy, sexy kids.
Ohhhh! You break it you bought it.
Oh! Wow! Oh, my back.
Oh, that's a good one.
I think he's sturdy.
Yeah, we, uh What are we clockin' in here, like 9 pounds? No, he's a 10-pounder.
Woooo! If that was a watermelon he'd be 11 bucks.
Yeah, well, um We've got a real porker here, I gotta say- No, no, no, no.
You can slim him down.
- You know what- - how about 14,000? How about 14,000- I think, you know what? We are gonna go in another direction.
Yeah, wow.
You don't want to do that.
- This is a healthy- - we're going to pass.
I'll do-I'll do 8, and I'll throw in a waterbed, Gently used.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, god.
Fucking hell.
[baby giggling.]
shh.
Shit, all right, mommy loves you.
Blah, blah, blah.
[siren.]
Oh hey, whoa! [siren.]
Ok, excuse me, miss.
I gotta-I gotta commandeer this vehicle.
Yeah, uh- I gotta commandeer this vehicle, right now.
I gotta commandeer this vehicle, all right? Y'all have to get out, y'all gotta get out.
- No- - uh I don't- Y'all gotta get out, y'all gotta get out of the car- But look, but look, but look, but look.
Look, look at this.
Sir, based on that- f.
B.
I.
F.
B.
I.
, f.
B.
I.
F.
B.
I.
- Ok- - so y'all gotta get outta the vehicle.
Let me have the vehicle.
So, what is the situation? Yeah, what? Ok, ok, ok, let me just- Ok, you don't need to know the- All the details of the situation.
Let me just put a hypothetical to you, though.
Ok, all right.
Hypothetically, there was a dude, ok? And perhaps that dude was in the middle of robbing A liquor store, right? And maybe he found a safe and he was like, "wow, finally, jackpot.
Couldn't find a safe, finally found a safe.
" Well, then he found a safe and the dude was cooperative, And he got the money, right? And now that dude is fleeing the scene As fast as he possibly can, ok? And you're trying to apprehend him.
I gotta catch that dude, I gotta catch that dude.
What I would say is that that is not an f.
B.
I.
Situation.
That's a police or sheriff situation And we have not gotten that call.
Let me take this one off your hands.
Well, you know what? I'm gonna say thank you for the tip.
Right, right.
So that we can do our job- Oh, no, no, no.
That is real good of you.
But-but did I mention this? Did I mention this about the said gentleman? Ok? I don't know if I had mentioned this.
He is from He's from kenya.
Sure.
Oh! Which makes it an international matter.
Ok? All right? He's a kenyan refugee.
Oh.
All right? He's gonna take that money And turn it into kenyan notes And go back to kenya and take a bunch of little babies And bring them back here and sell them.
Ok- I can't have that.
Y'all ladies come on out of the vehicle.
No, you know what? I'm gonna let- Y'all can move out the vehicle like this.
I'm gonna let you commandeer this vehicle But in the back seat.
Ok, all right.
That's fine, and I'm gonna tell you- And we'll just - you can come down to the station with us And tell us all about everything.
But before we go to the station, How about we get as close to the stateline as we possibly can? I'm gonna say, why don't you give me that, again.
And I'm just going to hang onto it.
Ok, all right, that's fine.
Hang on to it.
But I believe I still have jurisdiction over you As a member of Department of the treasury.
Dispatcher: Unit 14 clear.
Yo! Hi, I'm from the reno sheriff's department.
Our friends at the washoe county animal shelter Have lots of little friends who are currently available for adoption.
This is hector.
He's a male lizard, And he was seized by law enforcement officers From a house where some not very nice things were being filmed.
Hector's good with children And has some on-camera experience.
These little googley eyes have seen some really terrible things.
But hector's ready to put all of that behind him with a new family That's involved in wholesome family-oriented activities And not pornography.
The washoe county animal shelter, Where we "pawto help our 4-legged friends.
Mm-hmm.
I shudder to think What would happen were you to raise a child.
What happened, for example, To that hamster that you had for awhile? He-I put him down the garbage disposal.
By accident.
And what happened to that fern That, uh, clementine gave you, uh For, uh, for - for arbor day last year? I caught it on fire in my bath tub.
And what, for example, Uh, happened to, uh That nice, new tv that you got? It's still working.
It's working as a coffee table, Because I busted it out.
Should not be trusted with a child.
For the best.
I took a bat and I busted it out.
I'm gonna drive drunk whenever I want to Because I don't believe in laws, I say the hell with my parents, And I'm young.
Whoo! Yeah! [moaning.]
Hey there, drunky joe.
It's the ghost of drunk driving.
Come to see you behind the wheel of your tercel.
My goodness, Your breath certainly does smell like firewater.
Blow into this, my harbinger of your fate, A breath-a-lizer.
[beep.]
.
125.
How did you blow a.
125? What are you monitoring? Oh my god.
I didn't know we were really gonna- I didn't think you were really gonna- No, I really did.
You blew.
125.
Uh, yeah.
It's 8:45 a.
M.
I know.
What on earth is that, is that [indistinct.]
? A little bit.
He's 8,500 dollars, But if I sell you my baby, You're not gonna raise him like [hums oriental tune.]
Are you? Uh, what What is I- I'm sorry.
What's that mean? You know, like oriental, and all the "happy new year," Even though it's not really new year, and all that stuff.
Actually the term is an asian pacific-islander american.
Ok, yeah.
Whatever.
But, um - we don't plan on living in china.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass, though.
It just feels weird, you know? Like when you go into a black person's house And you don't know what to talk about.
And you don't know where to look.
Kinda like looking at a blind guy And you don't know where to talk, And It just feels wrong.
Dispatcher: All units, code Code 14, virginia and court.
Ok, fuck.
I gotta get to work.
Oh, ok, uh Ok? I gotta get to work.
All right, all right.
Ok.
All right uh, Uh Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Wrong one.
Here, here, here.
Don't steal that! I know where you live.
Ok? Hang around here for like 20 minutes, I'll be right back.
I'm coming! [speaking chinese.]
You make me laugh, you're funny, You're- uh, me? You're entertaining Yes, you! And so, yeah.
I just have to know.
Are you wiegel's baby's daddy? Don't lie.
Um Did you look at the baby's ears and the nut sack? Because if the ears and the nut sack Are-are real dark, Then it probably is your baby.
But if it's white like the rest of it, it ain't.
Well, when I came out- When I was born, you know, I, you know, I had dark ears and dark nut-nut sack, But, you know, white-looking baby.
That's what I'm saying! Then I changed Yeah.
Because you catch up with The ears and the nut sack.
Right.
Uh, we're on the 395.
Got a report of a jumper.
He's almost out of our jurisdiction, too.
God dammit.
Jumper: Don't even come any closer 'cause I'll do it! It doesn't even matter! Doesn't matter! Job done! Get in your cars and go.
Just step away.
'cause I'm doing it! All: No, no, no, no! You look, you look.
Look, look, look, look, look, look.
Please step back for us.
No, no.
You don't understand what I'm dealing with.
All right, look, look.
I got up this morning.
Right, and I looked in the mirror and I was like, "oh.
Man.
Nah, I can't do this anymore, all right?" 'cause I reached my peak.
I reached my peak.
You know what I'm saying? You look up You-you look at yourself and you're like, "you know what? "I'm the best I'm gonna be.
I'm not gonna get better than this.
" All: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Sir, sir! Look, look, look! Andrew, andrew! We've-we've-we've met you before.
Yeah.
You-you could do much better! Ah, I beg to differ.
You could do so much better! What was the last book you read? Uh, oh, osuperfudge.
See? That's right.
You read that recently? Or did you read that- Have you read it recently? Oh, my god, that's a book you re-read, And re-read, and re-read.
Have you read anything other than superfudge? Is there any other book? That's my- Yes! Yes! There's tales of the fourth grade nothing! Uh, there's, uh, me, margaret! It's me margaret! There's tons of other By the way, there's books There's books not written by judy blume! Andrew, this is bullshit.
This is a plea for attention.
You have no intention of jumping.
You wouldn't jump- right.
Give you $10 if you jump off it right now.
That's offensive! That's offensive that my life is $10.
$10.
10 bucks.
You come here to save my life - I got 5 on it.
I'll put in 20.
I got 25 right here.
At least we're in the ballpark here.
I got 5.
You going once, going twice.
Oh, junior! [andrew screams.]
[thud.]
what the Oh, he's peeing in his pants, Which means he's probably alive, right? Hi! I'm trudy wiegel.
With all the hustle and bustle of today's work-a-day world, Who has the time to make a baby yourself, The old-fashioned way, With all that hard work and messy clean-up? [baby crying.]
This baby is white, full of love, joy, and wonder, And could be yours with just one phone call.
So just call 911 for the reno sheriff's department.
All baby sales are final.
No refunds, no exchanges.
Order yours today while he's still cute! Say, "bye, bye, mommy.
" "bye, bye, mommy.
" I gotta-I tell you, I've got a slight concern about, um If I am the father of wiegel's baby.
And it's a-it's a real simple one, I think it's, uh, the concern every father probably has.
Flipper arms? Oh, for crying out loud.
Oh, terry, terry, terry.
[siren.]
Why am I not surprised? Sheriff's department! - Terry? - Terry! Knock, knock.
Hi.
Knock, knock.
- Guess who? - Who's there? Sheriff's department.
We just said that.
What do you guys want? What do you think? I'm letting you in.
I didn't let - open the door.
Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Both: Sheriff's department.
Hey, what do you guys want? We have a warrant this time, let us in.
Ok, hold on.
I'm just going to go to the kitchen for a second.
- Ok.
Come right back.
- We'll wait here.
'cause we have a warrant.
I'm gonna make you some lemonade.
Ok, open the fucking door first, please, terry.
And we don't have an hour.
Open the fucking mime door.
Good.
[squeak.]
The lady at that house over there- Ok.
Looking out her window, - And seeing- - hi.
What? What did she see? She saw me, uh, totally partying.
Can you describe "partying" for me, - Please, in more detail.
- I got a cake- Mm-hmm.
And then I got my flute- Mm-hmm.
And I go like this.
boo-boo-boo-boo Terry, can I ask you a question? boo-boo-boo-boo What? Is that flute another man's penis? Whoa! Time out.
Ha ha.
No, time in.
No.
- Game [whistles.]
- there's no time outs.
Game in.
There's no time outs in life.
We're back in play.
Well, maybe the flute evolved.
Ok, now we're getting somewhere.
I said maybe, I didn't say it did.
First of all, I'm not gay.
I'm sitting here waiting for my girlfriend to pick me up.
You're waiting for your girlfriend to pick you up.
What's your girlfriend's name again, terry? Seeeeemji.
Both: Seeeeemji? Spelled? S- e-e-e-e-e-m, Silent "j" "I.
" [horn honks.]
Oh, look who's here! Hi, seeeeemji! Hi, baby! What's going on here? Uh, I don't know.
The Why are you guys always harassing him? It's absolutely ridiculous.
Hi, seeeeemji.
Hi, sweetie.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you, seeeeemji.
Hi, I'm seeeeemji.
The "j" is silent.
This is my girlfriend seeeeemji.
Hi.
Hi.
Wow, you're You're a-a An item.
We're a couple.
We're engaged, by the way.
- Wow.
- Congratulations.
I got this at lord of the wedding rings.
It's beautiful, isn't it? Down the street.
You know that store, it's beautiful.
[whispers.]
we're expecting.
You're expecting? Mm-hmm.
Wow! My god! Wiegel: By terry? By terry.
Terry put his wiener- No, no, no.
Inside you? He had, um, we did it, Um, with, um, artificial insemination.
Oh! Because he has a condition now, so we don't We don't actually [whispers.]
have sex in that way.
Oh, ok.
This is a lot of information.
A lot of this is starting to make sense now.
We should probably get going.
When we get in the bedroom We get in the bedroom, And we get nude, and then I can't get hard and I vomit.
Ok.
Ok.
Ok.
All wiegel's little baby does is Stagger around like a retard and look at boobs, So, yeah, it could be mine.
You have made a very good deal for 6,000 dollars.
We're very excited.
Thank you.
We're excited to be parents.
Benson! We're gonna name him benson.
Oh! He looks like a benson! He's a-that's also a great tv show.
Ok.
So, where will, uh, your-your son be living? - We live in tahoe.
- Yes.
- Ooh! Where's that? - Lake tahoe.
It's actually about, uh, 30, 40 miles from here.
It's beautiful! Have you never been? Yeah, my car won't make it that far.
Oh.
You should really visit.
It's gorgeous.
You don't have to actually.
Not us.
Well, you know, the area.
You know, I would come to the area.
- Yes? - Wiegel? Found this by your locker.
Oh, my god.
D.
N.
A.
Test results? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god.
Wiegel, I ain't- I ain't-I ain't got much.
I wish I had at least known.
- No, you know what- - I mean you know what, Like having a- having a- having a kid might, like, Give me reason to-to keep going.
No, no, no.
I thought it'd be best if you didn't know.
Like having somebody to kinda fill My footsteps and keep going.
It's not necessary.
It's not necessary.
I can't believe that for6,000 dolls You're just gonna not even tell me.
How 'bout 10? Sold.
Great.
Oh, I'm gonna be the best mommy ever! Just put, um, "baby" in the memo.
Great.
Delores? Here you go.
Great! Have a great life! Thanks! Bye! Bye, baby! Whoo! 10 g-bombs.
Good work.
That was good.
5 and 5.
I didn't know that you were capable of that.
No, I just did a little cayenne pepper in each eye.
Oh.
You should go into community theater.
No, bunch of fa.
mtv networks Captioned by the national captioning You can't think bad on someone.
That's not how the secrworks.
You can't go, "oh, I hope that person gets killed.
" Andrew, andrew, we're not familiar with the secret.
We have not read the secret.
- We're familiar with you.
- You've gotta get a hold of th.
You have to get ahold of it.
It will change your life.
Get off the bridge, go back to your mom and dad's house, We'll borrow your copy the secret, And you know what, We'll get a little book club meeting a.
[all talking at once.]
I read it.
It's not that good.
You know what? Just 'cause you said that, I'm out of here.
No, no, no, no! He's wrong! He's wrong! [all shouting.]
Sorry! I'm sorry.
I loved it.
We are jumping the shark.
[cheering.]
Raineesha: Jumping, jumping.
Jump, jump that shark.
Lieutenant jim dangle will be jumping a shark to fight autism.
[cheering.]
support autism! All: Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
Go, dangle.
Go, dangle.
[air gun.]
Man: Go, jim! Oh, ugh! Oh, god.
Shit! [all yelling.]
Oh my god! I'm gonna throw up! Will you be my life partner? [babbling.]
say yes! Yes! Kid: Faggot! My water just broke.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
[siren.]
Hah! Heh! Mother fucking Cock sucker! What holiday is it? If anyone here objects To this same-sex partnership union, You may speak now Or forever hold your peace.
Whoa, oh.
Uh I, uh I got somethin' to say.
When love asks you to dance, You take it by the hand and you head to the floor.
Leslie, will you dance with me? Until the last dance in heaven.
[whispers.]
I know who the father is.
Sheriff's department! Freeze! Freeze! Get on the ground! Freeze! [gunshots.]
[indistinct yelling.]
D'oh! What? What? [all screaming.]
All right.
[grunting.]
There's a tornado.
No, no, terry.
Crowd: Hell no, we won't blow.
[gunshots.]
Yeah! Oh, he's my friend.
[grunts.]
[gunshot.]
[yells.]
mtv networks Trudy, whispering: I know who the father is.
[laughing.]
man: Oh, wow.
What, did you all think that was real? Come on, man.
Section 501, paragraph "c," "nevada state bylaws prohibit same-sex marriages Between a man, a man, a woman, and a woman.
" It is illegal to marry another man, jim, in the state of nevada.
Therefore, I place your, Uh, would-be husband under arrest.
Oh, what the fuck.
[laughing.]
Second man: Get the- [indistinct chatter.]
Anything you say can and will be used against you- Oh, bro, you're chumming for a lawsuit.
You have the right to an attorney- Lawsuit, bro.
If you cannot afford an attorney, Which I know you cannot- You know I fucking can't afford one.
Welcome back.
Thank you, thank you.
I assure you, to those of you Who have not stayed in our jail recently, It is an effective deterrent.
Jim, I just wanted to say- Speak-talk to me through your attorney.
We speak through our attorney, now.
Ok.
- You remember that, right? - Just doin' my job.
That was part of the agreement.
Just doin' my job.
- Ahem, trudy? - Yes? I believe you had an announcement you wanted to make.
We all know that I went to a sperm bank.
And the father is Someone in this room.
We knew that already.
We knew that already.
Oh.
You said you knew? Oh, I know.
And you're going to lord it over us Like the sword of damocles, like a weapon.
Is this going to become some sort of psychological weapon In your passive-aggressive arsenal of psychosis? Hadn't thought about- but that's a great idea.
That's what it is.
What are your plans for the boy? [mumbling.]
Raineesha: One more time.
[mumbling.]
He's got a rice suit, so No.
Take it from me, You don't want to be on your own with no kids.
Go on and call your baby's daddy out! Do it.
And make him step up to the plate.
Man: Do it.
Do the right thing.
Oh, I'm going to do the right thing.
You better believe it.
So, how much? Ohh, all right.
We can't have anymore children of our own.
Mm-hmm, no.
Ahhh.
So we have one, But we can't have anymore.
After we had her, I got sewed up real.
Very snug, yeah.
So we can't do it anymore.
I'm pretty sure she did it on purpose.
You know what, just because you're buying my baby Doesn't mean I need to know anything about you.
Oh, does he have any makeup allergies? Not that I'm aware of.
Healthy appetite? Very healthy appetite.
He eats like a pig, but not too much.
Has he ever been rendered disqualified Or ineligible from any of the following organizations? Junior miss reno? Uh, no.
The little ladies girls' parade? What are the- what's this? Um, arabian empresses? Of course not.
What is this? These are pageants, we're on the circuit.
Oh, like a carnival, like a freak show? [laughing.]
It's hardly a freak show, no, no.
This is just a pageant circuit.
We want to try and get, uh, get it out there As quickly as possible.
Sexy, sexy kids.
Ohhhh! You break it you bought it.
Oh! Wow! Oh, my back.
Oh, that's a good one.
I think he's sturdy.
Yeah, we, uh What are we clockin' in here, like 9 pounds? No, he's a 10-pounder.
Woooo! If that was a watermelon he'd be 11 bucks.
Yeah, well, um We've got a real porker here, I gotta say- No, no, no, no.
You can slim him down.
- You know what- - how about 14,000? How about 14,000- I think, you know what? We are gonna go in another direction.
Yeah, wow.
You don't want to do that.
- This is a healthy- - we're going to pass.
I'll do-I'll do 8, and I'll throw in a waterbed, Gently used.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, god.
Fucking hell.
[baby giggling.]
shh.
Shit, all right, mommy loves you.
Blah, blah, blah.
[siren.]
Oh hey, whoa! [siren.]
Ok, excuse me, miss.
I gotta-I gotta commandeer this vehicle.
Yeah, uh- I gotta commandeer this vehicle, right now.
I gotta commandeer this vehicle, all right? Y'all have to get out, y'all gotta get out.
- No- - uh I don't- Y'all gotta get out, y'all gotta get out of the car- But look, but look, but look, but look.
Look, look at this.
Sir, based on that- f.
B.
I.
F.
B.
I.
, f.
B.
I.
F.
B.
I.
- Ok- - so y'all gotta get outta the vehicle.
Let me have the vehicle.
So, what is the situation? Yeah, what? Ok, ok, ok, let me just- Ok, you don't need to know the- All the details of the situation.
Let me just put a hypothetical to you, though.
Ok, all right.
Hypothetically, there was a dude, ok? And perhaps that dude was in the middle of robbing A liquor store, right? And maybe he found a safe and he was like, "wow, finally, jackpot.
Couldn't find a safe, finally found a safe.
" Well, then he found a safe and the dude was cooperative, And he got the money, right? And now that dude is fleeing the scene As fast as he possibly can, ok? And you're trying to apprehend him.
I gotta catch that dude, I gotta catch that dude.
What I would say is that that is not an f.
B.
I.
Situation.
That's a police or sheriff situation And we have not gotten that call.
Let me take this one off your hands.
Well, you know what? I'm gonna say thank you for the tip.
Right, right.
So that we can do our job- Oh, no, no, no.
That is real good of you.
But-but did I mention this? Did I mention this about the said gentleman? Ok? I don't know if I had mentioned this.
He is from He's from kenya.
Sure.
Oh! Which makes it an international matter.
Ok? All right? He's a kenyan refugee.
Oh.
All right? He's gonna take that money And turn it into kenyan notes And go back to kenya and take a bunch of little babies And bring them back here and sell them.
Ok- I can't have that.
Y'all ladies come on out of the vehicle.
No, you know what? I'm gonna let- Y'all can move out the vehicle like this.
I'm gonna let you commandeer this vehicle But in the back seat.
Ok, all right.
That's fine, and I'm gonna tell you- And we'll just - you can come down to the station with us And tell us all about everything.
But before we go to the station, How about we get as close to the stateline as we possibly can? I'm gonna say, why don't you give me that, again.
And I'm just going to hang onto it.
Ok, all right, that's fine.
Hang on to it.
But I believe I still have jurisdiction over you As a member of Department of the treasury.
Dispatcher: Unit 14 clear.
Yo! Hi, I'm from the reno sheriff's department.
Our friends at the washoe county animal shelter Have lots of little friends who are currently available for adoption.
This is hector.
He's a male lizard, And he was seized by law enforcement officers From a house where some not very nice things were being filmed.
Hector's good with children And has some on-camera experience.
These little googley eyes have seen some really terrible things.
But hector's ready to put all of that behind him with a new family That's involved in wholesome family-oriented activities And not pornography.
The washoe county animal shelter, Where we "pawto help our 4-legged friends.
Mm-hmm.
I shudder to think What would happen were you to raise a child.
What happened, for example, To that hamster that you had for awhile? He-I put him down the garbage disposal.
By accident.
And what happened to that fern That, uh, clementine gave you, uh For, uh, for - for arbor day last year? I caught it on fire in my bath tub.
And what, for example, Uh, happened to, uh That nice, new tv that you got? It's still working.
It's working as a coffee table, Because I busted it out.
Should not be trusted with a child.
For the best.
I took a bat and I busted it out.
I'm gonna drive drunk whenever I want to Because I don't believe in laws, I say the hell with my parents, And I'm young.
Whoo! Yeah! [moaning.]
Hey there, drunky joe.
It's the ghost of drunk driving.
Come to see you behind the wheel of your tercel.
My goodness, Your breath certainly does smell like firewater.
Blow into this, my harbinger of your fate, A breath-a-lizer.
[beep.]
.
125.
How did you blow a.
125? What are you monitoring? Oh my god.
I didn't know we were really gonna- I didn't think you were really gonna- No, I really did.
You blew.
125.
Uh, yeah.
It's 8:45 a.
M.
I know.
What on earth is that, is that [indistinct.]
? A little bit.
He's 8,500 dollars, But if I sell you my baby, You're not gonna raise him like [hums oriental tune.]
Are you? Uh, what What is I- I'm sorry.
What's that mean? You know, like oriental, and all the "happy new year," Even though it's not really new year, and all that stuff.
Actually the term is an asian pacific-islander american.
Ok, yeah.
Whatever.
But, um - we don't plan on living in china.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass, though.
It just feels weird, you know? Like when you go into a black person's house And you don't know what to talk about.
And you don't know where to look.
Kinda like looking at a blind guy And you don't know where to talk, And It just feels wrong.
Dispatcher: All units, code Code 14, virginia and court.
Ok, fuck.
I gotta get to work.
Oh, ok, uh Ok? I gotta get to work.
All right, all right.
Ok.
All right uh, Uh Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Wrong one.
Here, here, here.
Don't steal that! I know where you live.
Ok? Hang around here for like 20 minutes, I'll be right back.
I'm coming! [speaking chinese.]
You make me laugh, you're funny, You're- uh, me? You're entertaining Yes, you! And so, yeah.
I just have to know.
Are you wiegel's baby's daddy? Don't lie.
Um Did you look at the baby's ears and the nut sack? Because if the ears and the nut sack Are-are real dark, Then it probably is your baby.
But if it's white like the rest of it, it ain't.
Well, when I came out- When I was born, you know, I, you know, I had dark ears and dark nut-nut sack, But, you know, white-looking baby.
That's what I'm saying! Then I changed Yeah.
Because you catch up with The ears and the nut sack.
Right.
Uh, we're on the 395.
Got a report of a jumper.
He's almost out of our jurisdiction, too.
God dammit.
Jumper: Don't even come any closer 'cause I'll do it! It doesn't even matter! Doesn't matter! Job done! Get in your cars and go.
Just step away.
'cause I'm doing it! All: No, no, no, no! You look, you look.
Look, look, look, look, look, look.
Please step back for us.
No, no.
You don't understand what I'm dealing with.
All right, look, look.
I got up this morning.
Right, and I looked in the mirror and I was like, "oh.
Man.
Nah, I can't do this anymore, all right?" 'cause I reached my peak.
I reached my peak.
You know what I'm saying? You look up You-you look at yourself and you're like, "you know what? "I'm the best I'm gonna be.
I'm not gonna get better than this.
" All: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Sir, sir! Look, look, look! Andrew, andrew! We've-we've-we've met you before.
Yeah.
You-you could do much better! Ah, I beg to differ.
You could do so much better! What was the last book you read? Uh, oh, osuperfudge.
See? That's right.
You read that recently? Or did you read that- Have you read it recently? Oh, my god, that's a book you re-read, And re-read, and re-read.
Have you read anything other than superfudge? Is there any other book? That's my- Yes! Yes! There's tales of the fourth grade nothing! Uh, there's, uh, me, margaret! It's me margaret! There's tons of other By the way, there's books There's books not written by judy blume! Andrew, this is bullshit.
This is a plea for attention.
You have no intention of jumping.
You wouldn't jump- right.
Give you $10 if you jump off it right now.
That's offensive! That's offensive that my life is $10.
$10.
10 bucks.
You come here to save my life - I got 5 on it.
I'll put in 20.
I got 25 right here.
At least we're in the ballpark here.
I got 5.
You going once, going twice.
Oh, junior! [andrew screams.]
[thud.]
what the Oh, he's peeing in his pants, Which means he's probably alive, right? Hi! I'm trudy wiegel.
With all the hustle and bustle of today's work-a-day world, Who has the time to make a baby yourself, The old-fashioned way, With all that hard work and messy clean-up? [baby crying.]
This baby is white, full of love, joy, and wonder, And could be yours with just one phone call.
So just call 911 for the reno sheriff's department.
All baby sales are final.
No refunds, no exchanges.
Order yours today while he's still cute! Say, "bye, bye, mommy.
" "bye, bye, mommy.
" I gotta-I tell you, I've got a slight concern about, um If I am the father of wiegel's baby.
And it's a-it's a real simple one, I think it's, uh, the concern every father probably has.
Flipper arms? Oh, for crying out loud.
Oh, terry, terry, terry.
[siren.]
Why am I not surprised? Sheriff's department! - Terry? - Terry! Knock, knock.
Hi.
Knock, knock.
- Guess who? - Who's there? Sheriff's department.
We just said that.
What do you guys want? What do you think? I'm letting you in.
I didn't let - open the door.
Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Both: Sheriff's department.
Hey, what do you guys want? We have a warrant this time, let us in.
Ok, hold on.
I'm just going to go to the kitchen for a second.
- Ok.
Come right back.
- We'll wait here.
'cause we have a warrant.
I'm gonna make you some lemonade.
Ok, open the fucking door first, please, terry.
And we don't have an hour.
Open the fucking mime door.
Good.
[squeak.]
The lady at that house over there- Ok.
Looking out her window, - And seeing- - hi.
What? What did she see? She saw me, uh, totally partying.
Can you describe "partying" for me, - Please, in more detail.
- I got a cake- Mm-hmm.
And then I got my flute- Mm-hmm.
And I go like this.
boo-boo-boo-boo Terry, can I ask you a question? boo-boo-boo-boo What? Is that flute another man's penis? Whoa! Time out.
Ha ha.
No, time in.
No.
- Game [whistles.]
- there's no time outs.
Game in.
There's no time outs in life.
We're back in play.
Well, maybe the flute evolved.
Ok, now we're getting somewhere.
I said maybe, I didn't say it did.
First of all, I'm not gay.
I'm sitting here waiting for my girlfriend to pick me up.
You're waiting for your girlfriend to pick you up.
What's your girlfriend's name again, terry? Seeeeemji.
Both: Seeeeemji? Spelled? S- e-e-e-e-e-m, Silent "j" "I.
" [horn honks.]
Oh, look who's here! Hi, seeeeemji! Hi, baby! What's going on here? Uh, I don't know.
The Why are you guys always harassing him? It's absolutely ridiculous.
Hi, seeeeemji.
Hi, sweetie.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you, seeeeemji.
Hi, I'm seeeeemji.
The "j" is silent.
This is my girlfriend seeeeemji.
Hi.
Hi.
Wow, you're You're a-a An item.
We're a couple.
We're engaged, by the way.
- Wow.
- Congratulations.
I got this at lord of the wedding rings.
It's beautiful, isn't it? Down the street.
You know that store, it's beautiful.
[whispers.]
we're expecting.
You're expecting? Mm-hmm.
Wow! My god! Wiegel: By terry? By terry.
Terry put his wiener- No, no, no.
Inside you? He had, um, we did it, Um, with, um, artificial insemination.
Oh! Because he has a condition now, so we don't We don't actually [whispers.]
have sex in that way.
Oh, ok.
This is a lot of information.
A lot of this is starting to make sense now.
We should probably get going.
When we get in the bedroom We get in the bedroom, And we get nude, and then I can't get hard and I vomit.
Ok.
Ok.
Ok.
All wiegel's little baby does is Stagger around like a retard and look at boobs, So, yeah, it could be mine.
You have made a very good deal for 6,000 dollars.
We're very excited.
Thank you.
We're excited to be parents.
Benson! We're gonna name him benson.
Oh! He looks like a benson! He's a-that's also a great tv show.
Ok.
So, where will, uh, your-your son be living? - We live in tahoe.
- Yes.
- Ooh! Where's that? - Lake tahoe.
It's actually about, uh, 30, 40 miles from here.
It's beautiful! Have you never been? Yeah, my car won't make it that far.
Oh.
You should really visit.
It's gorgeous.
You don't have to actually.
Not us.
Well, you know, the area.
You know, I would come to the area.
- Yes? - Wiegel? Found this by your locker.
Oh, my god.
D.
N.
A.
Test results? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god.
Wiegel, I ain't- I ain't-I ain't got much.
I wish I had at least known.
- No, you know what- - I mean you know what, Like having a- having a- having a kid might, like, Give me reason to-to keep going.
No, no, no.
I thought it'd be best if you didn't know.
Like having somebody to kinda fill My footsteps and keep going.
It's not necessary.
It's not necessary.
I can't believe that for6,000 dolls You're just gonna not even tell me.
How 'bout 10? Sold.
Great.
Oh, I'm gonna be the best mommy ever! Just put, um, "baby" in the memo.
Great.
Delores? Here you go.
Great! Have a great life! Thanks! Bye! Bye, baby! Whoo! 10 g-bombs.
Good work.
That was good.
5 and 5.
I didn't know that you were capable of that.
No, I just did a little cayenne pepper in each eye.
Oh.
You should go into community theater.
No, bunch of fa.
mtv networks Captioned by the national captioning You can't think bad on someone.
That's not how the secrworks.
You can't go, "oh, I hope that person gets killed.
" Andrew, andrew, we're not familiar with the secret.
We have not read the secret.
- We're familiar with you.
- You've gotta get a hold of th.
You have to get ahold of it.
It will change your life.
Get off the bridge, go back to your mom and dad's house, We'll borrow your copy the secret, And you know what, We'll get a little book club meeting a.
[all talking at once.]
I read it.
It's not that good.
You know what? Just 'cause you said that, I'm out of here.
No, no, no, no! He's wrong! He's wrong! [all shouting.]
Sorry! I'm sorry.
I loved it.