Rick and Morty (2013) s05e01 Episode Script

1
C'mon, Rick.
- We're We're almost there.
- Ugh, leave me, Morty.
It's the only way.
Wha Were Wha Were we
Were we Blades in that one?
That's fucking tight.
- Just stay with me.
- [CREATURE ROARS]
I'm I'm scared, Morty.
I can see the end.
I'm a silly man. I'm a silly small man.
I'm I'm sorry I got you into this.
Then how about I get us outta this?
[ALARM BLARING]
- Hello?
- Hey, Jessica.
I-It's Morty. From school.
Oh, hey, Morty. What's up?
Um, I just want to say
that you're really great.
I know the timing never
really worked out with us,
but you're really great and I
wish I got to know you better.
Oh, I mean That's a lot.
Oh, uh, yeah, sorry, I guess I just
No, I just wish you said it sooner.
- Wh-What?
- Yeah, I mean, being nervous
is sort of selfish sometimes, y'know?
- Life support systems failing.
- Yeah, that's a great point.
- Well, what are you doing tonight?
- Tonight?
Yeah. Do you, like, want to
watch a movie or something?
Um, yeah. Tonight. Sounds great.
Holy shit. Holy shit. Come on, come on!
[GROANS] Oh.
- Where are we?
- We're home, Rick.
I-I landed us in the ocean.
The ocean?! The ocean on Earth?!
- Uh, yeah, I-I guess so.
- Oh, shit.
Holy shit. We have to go.
We have to go right fucking now.
- What?
- You touched the ocean, Morty.
- What's the big What?
- Oh, fuck. Shit.
Richard!
You have desecrated the sacred treaty
betwixt land and sea.
Now face the wrath of your
once and eternal foe
- Mr. Nimbus!
- Sorry. Who is that?
- My nemesis.
- What?
My fucking nemesis, okay?
Okay, but what was his name again?
I am Mr. Nimbus!
He's gonna say that a lot.
♪
♪
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
W-Wait, so who is coming over again?
- He said his nemesis?
- Rick has a nemesis?
- I guess.
- Has he mentioned him before?
I-I was gonna ask you.
First I'm hearing it.
Who is he? Like a magic guy?
Rick's science and he's magic?
He's like a-a fish?
- A fish.
- He's not a fish. He's Mr. Nimbus.
He's king of the ocean
and he's a piece of shit.
Are you happy, Morty?
Are you happy you touched the ocean?
He's gonna be here any minute.
Just help me smooth this over
or this guy's gonna become
more trouble than he's worth.
Um, hey, I don't know how much
I can help out tonight, Rick.
Jessica's coming over j-just to,
like, watch a movie or something,
but y'know, t-t-that's a good step.
That's a solid step
to something, y'know?
Truly nobody cares
about your dick, Morty.
The sooner you learn that, the better.
I think you just don't want me happy
'cause then I'll stop doing
your crazy chores.
Trust me, after that ocean fuck-up,
you don't get to do anything crazy.
While I bullshit my way through
this peace summit treaty
with Nimbus, Summer is gonna
dive into the Marianas Trench
to recover the forbidden shell
that gives him his power
because Summer can be trusted.
Let's lick tits.
- Okay, what?
- I don't love that.
Of course you don't, 'cause
you guys aren't getting any.
[SCOFFS] Actually, your father and I
have been very sex-positive lately.
- Eww.
- Dr. Wong suggested we experiment.
We've been watching
pornography. Together.
- Gross!
- I might never come back
- from the ocean.
- Oh, you'll have to tone it down, babe.
- The squares can't handle it.
- [PURRS]
There are suicide capsules
in all of your teeth.
Do what you want with that.
C'mon, Morty. You're on booze duty.
Okay, Nimbus only drinks the good shit.
So just toss this whale-ass
ocean-wine in here
and age it up a few centuries.
So time moves faster in there?
I-I-Is it like a Narnia thing?
I'm not a beaver who believes
in Jesus Christ, Morty.
But yeah, it's pretty
much a Narnia thing.
- Okay, but Jessica
- All you have to do
is bring wine, Morty.
- When do I ask you for anything?
- When do you
I haven't been to a full
week of school in years!
I don't know shit! And for what?
How many enemies do you have to have?
Why is everything a fight with you?
You might want to learn
this early, Morty.
- Life is a fight.
- With Mr. Nimbus?
Are you makin' fun of me?
Mr. Nimbus is an ice-cold
dick killer, Morty.
- [HORN BLOWS]
- Okay, let's go.
That's his magic ocean horn.
Is that Mr. Nimbus?
- Nimbus.
- Richard.
You look like ass.
Let's get this over with.
- I'm sorry. This is the guy?
- Jerry.
Hold on. No. I've seen
you fuck a planet,
and this is the guy you're afraid of?
I like this one, Rick.
He is unbroken. Untamed.
Perhaps he could use a
firmer grip upon his leash.
Okay, that's enough.
I'm calling the police.
- Go ahead.
- Jerry.
- I will!
- Good. I control them.
- Excuse me?
- He controls police, Jerry.
Right, that tracks.
In Dumb World. Police?
A strange horny ocean man is on my lawn.
Well, I don't see how that's
relevant, but we're white.
[SIRENS WAIL, TIRES SCREECH]
Freeze!
Fight.
[ALL GRUNTING]
Fuck.
[ALL MOANING]
Flee.
OFFICER: Let's get outta here.
[SIRENS WAIL, TIRES SQUEAL]
- Shall we, Richard?
- Okay, but how did he
Jesus Christ, Jerry. He's Mr. Nimbus.
- He controls the police!
- Um, hello?
Am I in the right place?
I just saw a bunch of cops
having sex with each other?
Hi! Jessica! Hi! Yeah, yup,
y-you're in the right spot.
Uh, everyone, th-this is Jessica.
This is everybody. Uh, this is
- I am Mr. Nimbus.
- Jesus, Nimbus, just get inside.
Morty, grab the wine.
Yeah, in a minute. C-C'mon, Jessica.
Stand aside.
Unless you are worthy of Nimbus.
[SCOFFS] If that means
what I think it means,
I'll have you know, we
watch porn together.
- Oh!
- Ooh!
Wow, okay! Looks like you
guys just got the nod.
The nod?
Mr. Nimbus has a sense for these things.
I take it you're a sex-positive couple?
Oh, yeah. Very much so.
- We watch porn together.
- Great!
I'll mark you down as
eligible for a threeway.
Here's all the information you'll need.
The king of the ocean wants
to have a threesome with us?
Totally optional.
But a remarkable option to have,
I assure you. Very jealous.
There's a form on the last page
so we know where to
send the gift basket.
So that just happened.
You don't sound upset about it.
Neither do you.
Oh, my God. Is this happening? To us?
I thought this only happened
in New York or on HBO.
- Dr. Wong hasn't been wrong yet.
- You're right.
This is exactly what
she was talking about.
So, uh, yeah. J-Just make
yourself comfortable.
Y'know, ch-choose a movie
or or we can watch
some interdimensional cable if you want.
We now return to "Nintendo 69."
Nintendo, oh, what are you doing to me?
Oh, Nintendo, oh, Nin
Or we can watch whatever, y'know.
Wh-Whatever you're into.
Morty, did I hear you're getting wine?
Yeah, I gotta get some
wine for Mr. Nimbus.
- Got any extra?
- Oh. Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, I'll go get some, just for you.
- Cool.
Hurry back.
- Looks like you could use a hand.
- Oh, hey!
- Yeah, th-th-that'd be great.
- No problem.
- Hoovy? Dinner's ready!
- Be right there, sugar hoof!
Just helping this young
man through a portal
with that crate full of alcohol
that's been here for decades.
Hey, thanks, Hoovy.
I-I really appreciate that.
I-I got a girl over, and
I really, really like her.
- I-I'm just nervous.
- Oh, I know that feeling.
When I first started seeing Bova,
I could only think about all the
ways I was gonna mess it up.
- So what'd you do?
- Oh, I messed it up. [CHUCKLES]
But I found the one
who loves me for that.
Thanks. I-I really needed to hear that.
- Here, t-take one of these.
- Oh, you don't have to.
No, I-I want to.
You have a good day, Hoovy.
You have a great time
with that lady up there.
- Just relax.
- Will do!
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
Bova?
[GASPS]
Why did you leave us, Father?
- Japheth? When were you born?
- [GRUNTS]
I swore to Mother if I ever met you,
I'd avenge her.
It wasn't my fault.
Whose, then? Whose?!
The boy from the magic door.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
- Shall we discuss terms?
- Yeah, fine. Whatever. Terms.
Term number one
I am King of the Ocean.
The place I shit? Go ahead.
Term number two
Stop shitting in the ocean.
No idea [BURPS] what
you're talking about.
Delicious. Another.
Oh, uh, well, I-I was thinking
of using this one for
Morty, just give him
the bottle. God damn.
Another!
Morty, you get the wine?
Hey, Jessica. Um, yeah, sorry.
I just just going back to get it.
Oh. I thought you already went.
I did! I just just got a little busy.
Going right now, again!
You go ahead and fire up that movie!
That's okay. I'll wait for you.
Holy shit, holy shit,
holy shit, holy shit!
♪
I've been waiting for you.
- Oh, wow. Hoovy, right?
- Never say his name!
- [GRUNTS]
- Jesus Christ! Why
- Why is every old guy super jacked?
- [GRUNTS]
Sorry! I'm sorry!
I-I just need the wine!
I'm sorry! Stop it!
- Fucking kill you!
- Ow! Okay, screw this!
[GROANS]
You know what?
- You!
- Yeah, fuck you, Hoovy!
- [GROANS]
- Father?
- It's him! I told you he'd come back!
- Holy shit.
Okay, look, he wasn't
old like 10 seconds ago.
- [GRUNTS]
- Ow! Motherfucker!
[GROANS]
I'm sorry, Father.
I'm sorry we never believed.
He'll come back. Stop him.
Stop him.
♪
♪
Papa, why do we guard the gate?
Because one day, the
dark child shall return.
- And we will be ready.
- [THUNDER RUMBLES]
Delicious.
Where is your wine
boy, Richard? I thirst.
He's getting it. Stop
eating beignets like that.
Participant voids all liability
in the event of death by orgasm?
Are we really ready to
open things this wide?
What if it gets weird?
What if I fall in love with him?
No, no, no, no, no. Damn it!
What was that?
Another scheme of yours, Richard?
I know you're planning something.
It's nothing. Will you
excuse me, please?
What the fuck is going
on? Where's the wine?
Dad was horny and I dropped it.
God, I can't I can't believe
you're fucking this up.
I'm not fucking it up! There
was a guy in the thing and
There's always a guy in a thing!
NIMBUS: Land dwellers do not
keep Nimbus waiting and live.
Be right out! Goddammit.
Do you see this whisper
kitchen "Frasier" bullshit
you're making me do?
Morty, just get the wine.
Beth and Jerry, stop
trying to fuck Nimbus.
- Well, we wouldn't do it here.
- I'll have you know he propositioned us.
He propositions everybody!
Hey, hey, hey, Jessica.
- W-What's up?
- Seems like you're busy.
No, no, no! I ran into a little trouble.
But But But I'll go
get that wine right now.
But you said were going to
get it like twice already.
I-I-I was and I-I'm
getting it right now.
[GRUNTS] Holy shit, it's him!
[TRUMPET BLOWS]
God damn it! What do
you want me to say?!
I-I'm sorry!
♪
[CHEERING]
We finally beat him.
But let's always remain vigilant
because you never know.
He might be back one day.
Okay, Narnia! Let's go.
Let's fucking go!
It is over.
The boy is not coming back.
He always comes back.
You have wasted our lives,
our very futures, on a fantasy!
- A lie!
- I know what I saw.
You saw nothing!
You are a foolish boy!
♪
Those called fools
are the only ones brave
enough to see the truth.
♪
♪
- [GRUNTS]
- [ALL GASP]
♪
[GRUNTING]
- [GRUNTS]
- [GROANS]
Tell me, Father. Am I a fool now?
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
I was born in the pits
that made these stones.
I lost my years building
a temple to a lie.
So I made lies my power.
- And what is power but a lie we
- Aah!
Oh, shit, he's real!
He's real! I was wrong!
I was so wrong! God is real!
[GUNFIRE, SCREAMING]
♪
♪
Wow. Impeccable service.
- Big tip.
- I liked your other one more.
What was his name? Kyle?
- What?
- Nothing.
Can we just sign this thing and go?
Jessica, I-I'm so sorry.
I mean, it's fine. You were only
gone like a couple minutes.
Morty, are you okay?
I'm I'm sorry, Jessica.
We just never seem to
get it right, do we?
No, I guess we don't. [CHUCKLES]
But I'm glad you called me.
Maybe we can start over,
get it right this time.
Yeah. I'd I'd like that.
♪
Thanks for bringing the wine.
Totally worth it.
- Do we need an opener?
- Oh. I'll I'll I'll go get it.
NIMBUS: Mmm.
I do so love to sign
upon the dotted line.
- Shall we?
- Jesus Christ, yes.
And who is your witness?
My witness is the squid.
Really proud of this
SeaWorld theme, aren't you?
Hey, just get a witness, man.
Don't make this about me.
Or perhaps Richard has no one
with whom he can trust his life.
Who truly knows him.
- Save me.
- Fine!
I'll get someone.
Oh, my God. Morty! C'mere.
- I need you for some bullshit.
- Look, Rick,
I've done everything you've asked.
Now can I just have some
time with my girlfriend?
- Your girlfriend?
- I mean, she's not
we kissed,
but I'm just trying to take it slow.
You gotta give these things
time to breathe, y'know?
♪
Do you know why you're special, Adam?
- Because I am The Traveler?
- Yes.
You will be the one to
pass through the door.
You will be the one to end our pain.
But, Mother, what about my pain?
Your pain shall set us free.
It is time to begin.
[WARBLING]
[GRUNTING]
- Again.
- [GRUNTING]
Again!
[GRUNTING]
- You are not ready.
- Please, Mother
Do you think he will show you mercy?
Like he did to us? Again!
♪
♪
- [GRUNTS]
- [GASPS]
Does anyone need anything?
Does Nimbus need anything?
- Holy shit.
- Don't judge.
- We're growing as a couple!
- Aah!
Why is this happening to me?!
For the future!
♪
You dare assassinate Nimbus?
- Sorry. Wait. Who Who is that?
- Get in line, pal!
- [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMS]
♪
- Such a waste.
- M-Mother?
[SCREECHES]
Aah!
[SCREAMS]
Jessica!
You just had to touch the ocean.
Aaah! Shut up!
There isn't time to
It's all fucked and you fucked it!
[SCREAMING]
- Huh?
- You're early.
W-What is this place?
The end. But also a beginning.
- Isn't every end a beginning?
- Stay back!
I don't want your stripped
down Sundance sci-fi bullshit.
- Where's Jessica?
- Jessica.
That was her name, wasn't it?
Thank you, Morty. I had forgotten.
Oh, right.
You'll be needing this.
For the wine.
♪
[GRUNTS]
Oh, shit, we got him!
Can you believe he bought
that fucking tree bullshit?
We fucking got him!
Very well.
If you seek war with Atlantis,
you shall have it.
Oh, I've already been
to war with Atlantis
when I D-Day'd that Mermaid Puss.
I knew that was you!
Prepare my exit parade!
Say goodbye to your precious dry land!
For soon it will be wet! Wet!
Yeah, global warming is
already doing that, asshole.
But sure, yeah, go for it.
Make us slightly more wet!
- Am I a joke to you?
- Yes, you are a fucking joke!
You fucking suck! You've always sucked!
Y-Y-Y know why we
haven't fought in years?
'Cause you're an embarrassment to
me and I don't need you anymore.
I don't need anybody.
All I do is eat ass
and 69 Nintendos, bro.
- Every day.
- Or maybe you hate me
because I am the only man to
see how far you have fallen.
I used to fear you. Respect you.
Now all that's left is pity
for a sad, drunk shell of a man
too afraid to see how alone he truly is.
If Diane were alive today,
what would she think
Don't fucking establish canonical
backstory with me, you Red Lob
- [GASPS]
- Oh, good. You're awake.
I just took some wine!
I said I was sorry.
What the fuck is wrong with you people?!
I have been asking that for centuries.
I was created to study
you, Morty, to know you.
But the closer I looked,
the more I do not recognize myself.
Uh, yeah, man, I really
don't have time for
I have often wondered who
would we be without you, Morty?
Are we anything beyond our hatred?
And when she came,
I thought she would be the answer.
Frozen in time. Forever asleep.
We could not understand her
purpose, so we hid her away.
Why do we always hide
the truths we fear?
- [GROANS]
- I don't give a shit, nerd!
- Let her go!
- Why Why did I clone myself genitals?
- Ow! Ooh!
- I don't care, bitch! Do it!
- Asshole!
- Yeah, guess I am an asshole!
Y'know, sometimes you
gotta be an asshole!
- My grandpa taught me that!
- Okay, okay, okay, fine!
[GROANS]
♪
- Morty?
- Hey, Jessica.
Wow. Must've been some nap, huh?
I-Is that ooze or I'm
not sure what to call it.
It l-l-looks like ooze.
Okay. W-We can catch up later.
♪
[SCREECHES]
What the
- [GASPS]
- Rick! Rick!
- obster motherfucker.
- MORTY: Rick!
- Screw this. What am I even doing?
- Help!
Where are you?
Come back here.
I'm going to make the land wet!
Y'know what, I'd love to see it.
Do it! God, do anything!
Just don't use me as an excuse anymore!
Rick!
Wow. That was intense.
You look stressed.
- We signed the paperwork.
- I must go.
Well, your people have our number!
Your starfish mentioned
some kind of basket?
- Jesus, Morty.
- Stop! No, no!
- Not today! You don't get to
- Can't you go one day without
- What the
- I fucked it up, okay?
It's okay, Morty. That's what you do.
Now lemme Deus Ex Machina
this shit and let's go home.
♪
God, why does everyone
go Cyber-Punk Bird?
So fuckin' hack.
♪
Oh, shit. Well, that's cool.
♪
Okay, we might be a little fucked.
[HORN BLOWS]
Did you think I would let
you die alone, Richard?
[GRUNTING]
♪
♪
I am Mr. Nimbus!
♪
Wow. Phew.
You You still got
time for that movie?
Yes. Time.
I had nothing but time.
Endless time.
At first, it was madness.
Then enlightenment.
Then madness again.
But perhaps it was a gift.
I could see the life of time.
And as I watched the life of time
in all its fleeting, terrible light,
I wondered, had I lived?
Was I just the object
in another's story?
Was that all I ever was?
Could I be more?
I had nothing but time
and still no answer.
Time without purpose is a prison.
I have glimpsed into
the mind of eternity.
Perhaps the mind of God.
And found nothing but silence.
I think we should just be friends.
Oh, yeah. I-I-I get that.
Guess we missed our moment.
Yes. But there will be more.
For both of us.
Goodbye, Morty.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Fuck off! I'm a Time-god!
Fighting by your side again, Richard.
- It was, uh
- Yeah.
Then there is no treaty.
Because there is no war.
Aw, Nimbus. That's
That's really chill of you, man.
Richard. Before you were
my greatest enemy,
you were my only friend.
- Grandpa, I got the shell!
- Shit.
- Okay, Nimbus, look.
- You son of a bitch!
- Betrayal!
- My weapons, Morty!
- I-I-I used them all!
- Grandpa!
Wait, Grandpa, what do I do?
I have the shell. Should I blow it?
Is that I'm I'm
just gonna blow it!
Don't blow it! Destroy the horn!
- What the hell, Summer?!
- You were supposed to destroy the horn!
How was I supposed to know that?
- [GROANS]
- [SIREN WAILS]
NIMBUS: Police!
Take this piece of shit to jail.
I told, ugh, I told you.
He's an ice-cold dick killer!
- Nimbus!
- [TIRES SQUEAL]
Wait. So how can he
Jesus, Summer. He's Mr. Nimbus.
He controls the police!
♪
♪
♪
♪
Jer, I think more than one safe word
sort of defeats the point.
I know, I just wanna make sure
we have every opportunity to stop.
- Super excited about it though.
- Me too, so excited.
Jerry, are we doing this
because we both want this?
Or because it's what we
think the other one wants?
I just wanted to prove
that I love you so much
- I would do this for you!
- Same!
Let's take that prize and get out
before we make a huge mistake.
Getting cold feet?
No.
- Please don't tell Rick.
- He wouldn't understand.
Yes, he would.