Scrubs s05e01 Episode Script

Since my apartment's roof collapsed, I was living at a hotel.
But that's not the only thing that's changed around here.
I'm an attending, a licensed badass.
Elliot actually works at a different hospital.
She's trying to lay low at first.
And Turk and Carla are trying to make a baby.
Here you go, baby.
I know you love foreplay, but I have five minutes, so I made you a sandwich.
That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
- Over here, Turk.
- My bad, baby.
Yep! Life was different.
Hey! Did you take my Porsche from the valet? This didn't feel like my scooter.
Ow! Look, no harm done.
Here are your driving glasses, here's your driving scarf and here are your driving gloves.
Fine, here's your driving sock.
I didn't care, because now that I'm an attending, I had picked out a whole new look.
- Good morning, colleague.
- Oh, absolutely not.
What, Tall, Dark and Scary? I can wear whatever the hell I - What are you doing? - This is my imaginary warning light.
When it starts blinking, a situation has ten seconds to resolve itself before I flash white with rage and kill someone.
One, two, three, four seven, eight, nine and ten.
I had trouble getting my babyGap T-shirt off.
- It'll happen.
- Ow.
OK, I'm gonna I'm gonna go with "ow.
" How depressing is it being you? Seriously.
Would you equate it more to being a Cub fan, or to, say, being born without lips? - Born without lips.
- I know a guy.
- His house just burned down.
- How sad.
He was smoking in bed.
He shouldn't smoke, 'cause he looks ridiculous.
"I have a snake face.
" Listen, today if you bother me, could you do it without being around me? I have new interns starting.
Can you imagine what it's like to see this place through their eyes the first time? - Something on your shirt, kid.
- Huh? Oh.
Ha-ha! Classic! Hey Sparky, it's five dollars a minute to stare in public.
It's free in private You're gonna love it here, sport.
- Get out while you still can.
- Hmm.
Seriously, get out while you still can.
Junior, have you seen Johnny? Alzheimer's patient, likes to tackle people? Mmm, mmm-mm.
Has anybody seen Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient? Hey! You must be Keith.
Don't look so nervous, buddy.
I got your back.
Who am I? I found him.
# I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # I'm no Superman # Someone's close enough for a hair-mussing.
Dynamite bangs.
Hey, guys.
Follow me.
Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me.
If you're desperate, we're lucky.
This is a city hospital, there are heroin addicts who are quite adept at this.
Did you find a vein, there, Reverend Mayhem? - No problem.
- Good work, buddy.
Stay in school.
- Mr.
Kellerman, how're you feeling? - Not great.
Well, that's probably why you're here! Ha! Humor is a great icebreaker for patients, OK? Follow me.
Mr.
Kellerman has congestive heart failure.
Lisa, I want you to start him on diuretics, OK? We'll loosen up some fluid around his lungs.
The good news is he'll go home tomorrow.
The bad news is if he's not here, he won't move up the heart transplant list.
See, in medicine, there are lots of Catch-22s, a phrase made famous, I believe, by an old fisherman who would stay out fishing until he caught how many fish? Anybody? That's right, 22.
- See, in 1492, Columbus - Newbie! If you loved the sound of your very own voice any more, you would probably sit in a little room all day and sing to yourself.
Oh, you guys can skedaddle.
Booga-booga-booga! I love interns.
Gentlemen, a reminder: As attendings, you are expected to turn in your paperwork and your required urine sample by tomorrow.
I'm not planning on doing any paperwork.
I did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your driver's-side car door.
Your lips, my ass, they should meet.
Dorian, after four years, I hope you are no longer following in his footsteps.
I turned in my paperwork already, but I'm gonna wait till tomorrow to turn in my urine sample out of respect to the fellas in the lab There's an asparagus issue.
Now there's an answer that warrants a half-sincere pat on the shoulder.
Thanks, Dr.
Kelso! He said "half-sincere," I think it was full-sincere.
Feel my shoulder, it's warm.
Lindsay, by you reaching the level of attending physician, you've somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to.
Obviously there was no vote.
Because if there had been, you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, "Nay, oh, dear God, one thousand times nay!" That being said, it's my obligation to let you in on the organization's one and only bylaw: we're men.
Yes, we are.
The women are men.
The children are men.
The men, of course, men! So I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five man cards.
Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you.
I don't need your approval or your stupid man cards.
Although the lettering is darling.
Have you ever done calligraphy? - Thank you.
- Damn it! That night, since we were low on cash, Turk snuck me into the movies.
One, please! We talked about my living arrangements.
- Are you sure? - You shouldn't stay in a hotel, so stay here until you find a place.
Carla was psyched to get rid of me.
Are you gonna tell? I don't know.
What do you think? Turk? Is that you? - Yes.
I'll be right in, baby.
- OK.
Dude, you left your gym shorts in here! Look, I gotta sex her up.
I'll be back as quick as I can, so it'd be about a hour and a half.
Wait! Could you just quickly scratch my nose? Ahh.
Ooh.
OK.
OK.
Don't zip me up! Turk! Turk! - I'm a little sick of the Turks.
- Excuse me? Not you, Omar.
I love your people.
I'm talking about their lovey-dovey crap.
Babe, I borrowed your backpack this morning and my change fell out.
Maybe someone or something had to gnaw a hole in it to keep from suffocating.
Maybe someone already apologized for that about a hundred times.
- Absolutely no lovers' quarrels.
- Damn it! Elliot, what are you doing here? She hasn't talked to anybody at her new hospital.
- How did this become about me? - The Turks are sneaky.
Not you guys.
I think Omar took my pudding.
Mmm.
Hey, Keith! Can I get your pudding? Uh.
Interns.
You should be excited about meeting people over there.
You could totally reinvent yourself.
You're right! I'm gonna tell them I am the most perfect doctor ever who never needs anyone's help with anything! That'll end well.
Dude! This guy's unbelievable! OK, for some reason, Mr.
Kellerman's fluid situation isn't getting any better.
I think we should be more aggressive.
Keith? - Uh - Why don't you go get a Lasix drip.
Other way, Keith! Oh, Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy," never "bangin' double-Ds.
" There's so much paperwork.
My dad was a veterinarian, and he never had to do any.
Sometimes I wish this place were more like a horse hospital.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Larson, but I do not like the look of that leg.
We would have better hours.
All right, gang, get out of here.
Hey, everybody? Great work today.
How do you bother someone without being around them? That is the question.
Dorian, I'm paying you to work, not stand around acting like the Fonz.
Perfect.
Being Turk's secret roommate was going great until now.
Turk? I'm leaving for work.
You've worked on your Turk impression since college.
- Time to shine! - Turk? I'll be thinking about you until the second I see you, right now, I'm doing my business.
Don't forget to use the Glade! Dude! That's the best it's ever sounded! - I thought she was gone? - Nah, she came back for a quickie.
All this baby stuff, I feel like she rushed me into it.
I'm not sure I'm ready.
Get ready, she's been off the pill for a week.
What have you done? Think she'll be mad? Dr.
Reid? Need some help? I don't need anyone's help.
Stop running! Doctor, do you know where the Foley caths are? Sir, I know where everything is.
Be right back.
Stupid coffee robot! Frick! Don't sweat it.
I used to hide here when I worked at this place.
I'm on a fellowship now.
Foley cath, please.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Could you also grab a number six needle? Ahh.
Frick fricky frick frick! Nice ass, grandma! That screaming patient would have to wait.
I had bigger problems.
Hey, Keith! I just called upstairs to see how Mr.
Kellerman was doing.
Get this: the nurse told me you never even started him on a Lasix drip.
Lisa! Imagine my surprise when she told me you never even increased his diuretic in the first place! I'm forced to ask, are you people trained killers? Say something, Keith! I uh If he gets bad enough and we have to put him on inotropes, he'll jump to the top of the transplant list and get a new heart.
They're messing up on purpose? Who told you guys to do this? There's a lot of ways to get caught.
Sometimes you get caught because you couldn't slip your wife her pill, so you had to feed her one of your special homemade brownies.
- What's that? - Oh, that? That's a tiny marshmallow with writing on it.
Still, if you don't panic, you can get away with it.
Just doing some inventory sir.
That's why I'm glad you work here, sweetheart.
Come on, guys.
Who put you up to this? As for me, I caught my culprit because he made the classic mistake of returning to the scene of the crime.
And all because I, too, had been eating Turk's homemade brownies.
Angie, my buddy down in the lab just told me that your urinalysis came back positive for the birth control pill.
So, I will be taking one of these.
- Thank you! - Damn it! Keith, look at me.
Did he specifically tell you to disregard my orders? What the hell.
I was doing this and mouthing "I'll kill you," which I will if you don't get out of here.
Go on, get.
I saw it first.
Long day.
Newbie, I did tell them to ignore you and let Mr.
Kellerman get worse.
And you wanna know something? I'd do it again.
- Bye, Elliot.
- Look I know I agreed to have a baby, but you were offering sex at the time.
I would have agreed to anything! Carla, no.
No! She knows I can't eat without my strawberry milk.
You should've let her fork me! I think that's how you got into trouble in the first place! What's up! Euphemism five! His vocabulary's gotten so much better! - Elliot, why are you here? - Oh, I have to make Kelso think I work here so he doesn't have me arrested for stealing supplies.
What would you have done if you couldn't give Carla the pill? - I'd have faked it.
- Guys can't fake it.
Really? Does this sound familiar? "Oh, baby, we're going all night.
No, wait, don't move! - Sorry.
" - Way too familiar.
- Hey.
- Thank you.
Know what I've been doing? Besides listening to my Alanis Morissette CD to get pumped up to talk to you? Here.
- Yep.
- I've been thinking about how you would take Mr.
Kellerman's life into your hands - without talking to him.
- Well, I did talk to him.
He did.
Patients who stay low on the heart transplant list die waiting for one.
This way, he moves up to the top.
Come on! - Then why didn't you tell me? - Because you're an attending now.
That doesn't just mean a fat bank account, expensive new toys and a lawyer on retainer for when you kill a prostitute.
From now on, the buck stops with you.
I know you have occasionally bent the rules in this dump over the last couple of years because you knew when the crap started raining, it was gonna fall on my head.
But now, the only way for you to stay out of the trouble storm is for you to go by the book.
And I got news for you on that front: By-the-book attendings kill us up here.
I couldn't tell you about Kellerman 'cause I don't know what type of attending you're gonna be.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to prove myself.
You know what? This is my last one.
Here, take it.
Whatever happens to this poor guy is on you.
The next morning was not good.
Carla was not talking to Turk, Elliot had dropped by to help not talk to Turk and I was sneaking out in my undies because my clothes were in the dryer.
- J.
D.
? - Morning, friends! Who's ready for some java? - Are you wearing boxers? - Yes, I am, Carla, because I know when Turk's sad, he likes me to come over in my boxers, because he likes to call me his "honky Adonis.
" And that's what friends do.
They bought it? Are we that gay? - What's that? - Oh, that's my new driving sock.
You can borrow.
Actually, J.
D.
's been living here secretly.
- Turk, why? - Get those judgmental eyes off me! J.
D.
didn't want to, I begged.
- Is that true? - I didn't say that.
- J.
D.
can do my voice.
- Hey, it's getting good! Well, thank you! I lost it.
You three are ridiculous.
I'm just here to grab a ride to work.
At a hospital where you don't actually work! And you? How am I to tell you I'm not ready to have a baby when you're excited? And you secretly moving back in here? Now, I really don't love being den mother to you three It's like crack to me.
Still, let me ask you something.
Why are you three so afraid of moving on? You're still eating those brownies! I don't wanna get pregnant! Shoot.
So you're going to the university for a transplant! Well, come back and see us, OK? Who is responsible for not treating that man? Well, I was going to treat him, but I lost my stethoscope, and that's He's my patient, Bob! I'm responsible.
Dr.
Dorian, I have kept my mouth shut about the recent sexual harassment complaints because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk, or, say, asking his secretary just once to dress up as a geisha girl - and call him Kelso-san - What? Nothing.
But now I need to know, is this the type of attending you're going to be? - I guess so.
- Anything else? I could tell him there's nothing in my cup and I'm pretending to drink to seem nonchalant No.
but I was thinking about what Carla said about moving on.
And I wasn't the only one.
Well, at least there's one attending around here I can count on.
The hell with it, Bob.
I don't work here! Have a good one.
- I hate this place.
- It hates you, Bob.
That's it.
All my birth control pills are gone.
Not exactly.
That Fig Newton you're about to eat is not only fat-free, but it's baby-free.
I just don't get it, Turk.
Look, we had sex 20 times in eight days, and I bet it's because you sensed my hesitance.
- I just want a baby so badly.
- Why? What's it gonna be like having a baby? Dr.
Cox says it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.
Awesome! Right? And I come from a big family, and I love that.
Me too! And every time we sit at the kitchen table, I feel like someone's missing.
I can see him.
- J.
D.
! - Gotta make a quick twosie.
This explains a lot.
Hey! Meet your volleyball team.
They're terrible.
Newbie! I heard your voice.
Thanks for nothin', ass-face.
I'm gonna go ahead and give you back one of these man cards.
You deserve it.
Wow.
Wanna hug? You held on to it as long as you could.
I'm gonna have a good year, aren't I? Anything can happen.
And I knew he was right Excuse me.
for all of us.
Dr.
Reid, are you joining us for lunch today? Anyone want half a tofu-cheese sandwich? Repeat after me: boy, boy, boy, very tall boy.
Boy, boy, boy, very tall boy.
- Boy, boy - Boy, boy very tall boy.
very tall boy.
Good night, Keith.
Hey, keep your head up, you're doing a good job.
Thanks for everything, Dr.
Dorian.
Who am I?