Spin City s05e01 Episode Script

The new deputy mayor late on his first day.
Cut him some slack.
This city's a mess.
Anyone could be late with the traffic jams, slow buses, broken-down subways.
If only there were a group of people whose job it was to fix those things.
I'll give him five minutes, then I'm the new deputy mayor.
Got my speech all ready.
That's your opening "hello, single ladies"? Carter, he's got to show.
Ever since Mike left, I have been doing two jobs.
I don't sleep, I spend every waking minute in this office, I look terrible.
You look great.
I know But the only straight guys that see it are Stuart and Paul.
Don't worry.
He'll be here, and Paul can stall the press.
John Travolta was in "Pulp Fiction" with ving rhames.
Ving rhames was in "mission: Impossible" with tom cruise.
Tom cruise was in "a few good men" withKevin bacon.
Am I wrong? Paul! Paul! Paul! We're familiar with Crawford's success in Washington.
We're also familiar with his checkered past.
I can't help but wonder if you're hiding something.
Look, the only reason that Charlie Crawford isn't here is because he's at a high-level meeting.
Charlie, what did you say your last name was again? Whoa let's not rush things.
Seriously, I think they're talking about you on the tv.
I assure you Charlie Crawford is in the building.
Damn it.
I'm still on Stockholm time.
Inga, I'm sorry.
I have to run.
I hope you understand.
No, it's fine.
Thank you for flying air Sweden.
Thanks for the upgrade.
He's gonna be here, right? Carter, you told Charlie it was 10:00 A.
M.
? In New York? Yes.
Can I be deputy mayor now? No! No! Hi Charlie Crawford.
Sorry I'm late really sorry.
I assume you have a good excuse? I reall don't think we should get into it.
I really think we should.
Last night flying home from Stockholm oh, don't tell me you met some stewardess and ended up going back to her hotel.
Oh, God! And that how I learned that I was allergic to beets.
Okay? O-okay Oh, thank God.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, presenting the new deputy mayor for the city of New York, Charlie Crawford.
Thank you, Paul.
Hello, I'm Charlie Crawford, and I'm very excited to be here at city hall.
To come home to where I grew up and work with such a fine mayor really means a lot to me.
I'm sure you all have a lot of questions.
Why were you late? Well, let's just say my delay wasAirline related.
Oh, I'd like to state for the record that I'd gladly fly air Sweden again maybe Friday night around 7:00? Charlie, what about the rumor that you once considered running a senate campaign for actor Alec Baldwin? That was just talk over quite a few beers one night.
When I woke up the next morning, I realized I had actually been talking to Billy Baldwin.
Those Baldwin brothers should wear numbered shirts.
We have plenty of time to get to know each other, and I look forward to that, but right now, I got a lot of work to do.
So Paul will take it from here.
Thank you.
Paul! Paul! Paul! Please, please, you heard the man he thought he was talking to Alec Baldwin Who was in "glengarry Glen Ross" with Jack lemmon, who was in "jfk" with Kevin bacon! Didn't I tell you guys he'd get here and he'd be great? You were great.
Thank you.
Really, really great.
All right, let's cut the bull.
I know what you're all about a flashy smile, a clever sound bite, and everyone loves you.
That's not gonna work around here, mister.
You seem nicer in your e-mail.
I a nicer, but I have hundreds of tollbooth workers about to go on strike, so you'll excuse me if I don't offer you a headset and warm towel.
All I'm saying is, you're the new quarterback, so don't drop the ball.
You know sports? Yes! I also drink beer and play poker.
I'm just a tattoo away from being your dream girl.
You know, usually I have to date a woman befo she treats me this way.
And you're funny, too super.
I recommended you to the mayor for this job because I know you're good and I heard you changed.
I have changed.
For God's sake, you're wearing air Sweden wings on your shirt! Hey! I earned these.
Mr.
mayor? Ooh! Hi.
Sit down, sit down.
Sir, about being late this morning I'm sorry, I'm having trouble waking up these days.
I moved the alarm clock across the room.
You know get up, turn it off? But after two days, I just moved my bed over there.
I see from your bio that you're "relaxed, easygoing, and comfortable at work or play.
" Sir, that's the j.
Crew catalog.
Oh, yeah, here it is.
I am impressed with your work as a political strategist.
But I have also read the tabloids, and I am aware of your past transgressions the drinking, the carousing, the honky-tonking.
I'd like to think I did more tomcatting than honky-tonking.
Well, I am sure you're the right man for the job.
My former deputy mayor, Mike, and I had a special relationship which would be difficult to duplicate, but I'm willing to give it a shot.
Look, this just isn't working out.
We could just give you a severance package and send you on your way.
How long have you been working here? About 11 minutes.
Well, based on our time together, I'd be happy to write you a letter of recommendation.
I appreciate that, but I don't think there's anyone left to read it.
I burned a lot of Bridges in Washington And one car.
This is my last shot.
Perhaps it would be easier for me if I called you Mike.
I'd like to start with a clean slate, sir, so if you don't mind, I'd prefer if you called me Charlie.
I appreciate your candor, Mike.
Good news, sir I spoke to the lawyer representing the workers.
They have agreed terms.
She's coming in this afternoon.
Caitlin, you are doing a fantastic job! Thank you, sir.
That means a lot to me.
It's all about making people feel specialMike.
Who's this guy think he is?! First he hangs me out to dry at the press conference.
Now he's late to his own staff meeting.
We got to make it clear who's running this show! We can't let him take any of our turf! I keep forgetting are we the jets or the sharks? Just count me out of your petty little games.
Charlie is obviously going to look to me for guidance and counsel, and Carter's gonna be there for him.
I guess it's just me and Paul standing against the new guy.
You and me, buddy united we stand, divided we f hiya, Charlie! How are you?! Let's make that a one-time thing.
Okay, before we start, I thought we could spend a little time getting to know each other.
Caitlin sent me a memo to get me up to speed on you guys.
Carter It says here you've done a lot of great work on community programs.
I don't, uh, think of it as work.
I think of it as more of a calling.
In a word, I'm a helper, a doer.
I can't see spending my life in any other way.
It also says you don't mind talking about it.
Now, Paul okay, enough of this witch hunt! Look, every reporter in town is pestering me to get the first interview with you.
Okay, what do you want to do? I-I'm sorry.
I'm not accustomed to being listened to.
Tell you what you pick the reporter.
You're the press secretary.
It's your domain.
Yes, it is.
It's my domain.
I have a domain.
Stuart, it says here you're involved in the war on pornography.
You're reading that wrong.
It's the war on the war on pornography.
I thought that was a typo.
Charlie! You're not gonna yell at me again? 'Cause I got to warn you I'm a crier.
I was a little harsh this morning, but I'm happy now.
The toll collectors are going back to work.
I'm going to sign the contracts.
Want to come with me? Can I bring a date? You're right I might meet someone there.
I'm glad we were able to come to an agreement.
If the collectors picketed, the city would be gridlocked.
I'd hate to have to look down and see that from my helicopter.
Well, I guess all I need is a pen.
I don't believe it! What are you doing here? I'm the mayor.
I've been here the whole time.
I thought I would never see you again, and I wish I hadn't.
You're egotistical, insensitive, and you know what else? You're a selfish lover! Now, that crosses the line! Excuse me! My pen! We used to date.
Apparently, it ended poorly.
What is wrong with that woman?! And how does she know what I'm like in bed? Actually, sir, she was talking about me.
Miss Calvin and I sort of have a history.
Oh, you're the selfish lover.
A word of advice, son there is no "I" in "orgasm.
" Guys, we have a problem here.
Tomorrow the toll collectors are planning to block all the Bridges and tunnels.
Mike would never have let this happen.
Not you, Mike Mike Mike.
Nice work thanks to you, by noon tomorrow, are gonna be stuck in Manhattan.
You are so negative.
You see 8 million people trapped on an island.
I see the opportunity for a giant mixer.
I know this is serious.
This is not the way I wanted to start here.
I'll do whatever I have to to fix this.
You've got to talk to Joan.
If I talk to this woman, she's gonna flip out.
She'll get that crazy look where her eyes are daggers and she wants to bore a hole through that's it! I am calling her right now, and you two are gonna work this out end of story.
What if she wants to sleep with me? She looked like she wanted to knock you down and rip your eyes out.
That's usually how it starts.
Paul I need you to set up a press conference to announce the mayor's new plan to end poverty.
Oh, please.
I don't have time for your petty, little requests.
I got to pick a reporter to talk to the new boss.
See, that's my domain.
Ugh! My domain.
Now, what did Charlie say was your domain, hmm? Oh, that's right nothing.
Sooner or later, Charlie will come to me for help.
A moment of crisis will present itself, and then It's Carter time.
Excuse me, Paul.
Let me ask you why do you think Charlie would let you make a decision? Why would he let me make a decision? Why would he let me make a decision? Oh, my God! He's setting me up to fail so he can dump me, bring in his guy! He's got a guy? They've all got guys! And you know where his guy is?! Waiting in the wings, chomping at the bit! Oh, God, if I don't pick the right reporter, it's "goodbye, city hall, hello, refrigerator box"! It's not even a challenge anymore.
I just talked with Joan.
She's gonna be here in 15 minutes, and I've convinced her to talk to you.
I don't think I can pull this one off.
What's the problem? I can't talk about it.
It's personal.
If I'm not mistaken, that sounds like a cry for Carter.
We're gonna need a second.
Charlie Let's talk about this as a group.
The truth is, there are parts of our relationship I don't remember.
Which parts? Beginning, middle, end.
Is there anything at all you remember about this woman? I don't think so.
Oh, you're such a pig.
Wait! That's sparking something.
You can forget someone that hot? I wonder if I've ever forgotten a woman I've had sex with.
Why don't you check your credit-card receipts? I'm surprised you had the guts to do this, considering you broke up with me by leaving me a note.
I had so many complicated things to say, I wanted to write them down.
"Joan later.
" You had it laminated? I keep it in my purse so I'll remember how much you hurt me and we had just gotten back from that trip to Mexico.
I love acapulco.
We went to cancún.
At least the weather was great.
It rained all week.
But it gave us a lot of chances to sit in restaurants eatingTacos? Right.
Yes! So, Joan, this is great.
I've often thought of Mexico and the times we've spent in other places eating Food of that land.
Look, for old time's sake, could you cut us some slack and put an end to this tollbooth strike? Oh, you like quick, easy endings, don't you like the way you ended our relationship? It's not gonna be like that this time.
What do you want? I want to know why you left me, what you were thinking and feeling when you did, and what you thought of me.
A lot of that's implied in here.
You are going to give me closure! I need to have the breakup I never did so that I can move on with my life! Okay, I can do that.
Joan I was in a really weird place back then.
Don't even think of saying, "it's not you, it's me.
" Could you excuse me for a moment? Basically, she wants you to give her the perfect breakup.
I'm meeting her for dinner in two hours, and I need to remember what happened between us.
You know, sometimes with amnesia patients they use shock treatment.
Caitlin, flash the blouse bunnies! Stuart! Did you ever think that it makes Caitlin uncomfortable when you constantly draw attention to her winnebagos?! Carter! I'm sorry.
He's rubbing off on me.
You have spent your entire relationship with this woman lying and manipulating.
Let's keep that going.
I know exactly the kind of line women go for.
Wait! Go! Tell her, "I left you because I was afraid I could never be the man you needed me to be.
" Impressive it took me the whole weekend to come up with "Joan later.
" Oh, what's going on in here? We're trying to come up with a good breakup line.
"I'm sleeping with the gardener.
I'll be taking half your money"? No? Worked on me.
How's he doing? It's hard to tell.
Look at that loser over there.
He has been ogling you all night.
Oh, my God! He sent you over a drink.
Ha! Call the lame police.
That's for you.
Don't save my seat.
When I looked in my heart, I was afraid I could never be the man you needed me to be.
That's it? That's all you've got? I'm sleeping with the gardener and I'll be taking half your money.
I don't know what made me think you could be honest with me! What about the strike? You came here like I asked you to, so I'm not gonna hold the city hostage.
Thank you.
You've gotten what you wanted: New job, new life.
But you know something, Charlie? You haven't changed.
Wait! You want me to be honest? I'll be honest.
I don't remember you.
I don't remember our relationship.
I barely remember 1994.
I'm still trying to figure out why I have the words "ace of base" tattooed on my ass.
Back when you knew me, I drank heavily, and I was good at it.
I had groupies and a tour bus, and I wasn't even in a band.
I know that I hurt a lot of people, and you're one of them, and I'm sorry.
Maybe you're someone that would've been right for me, but I'll never know that, and that's my loss.
Now that I have everyone's attention, we're still waiting on rolls.
Thank you.
Call me.
Are you crying? It's just she's so hot And he had sex with her.
Hey.
Hey.
I just want to thank you for talking to Joan.
I know that must've been really hard for you.
Yeah, it was.
She stuck me with the check.
Joke all you want, but what you said was really moving.
I guess I got numbers from the waitress, the hostess, and the guy that was hitting on Carter.
That's it.
You win.
I can't pick a reporter.
I-I'll just clean out my office.
Paul, the two best guys are Martin from the post and Johnson from the daily news.
Pick one go with your gut.
Johnson.
We're going with Johnson.
Congratulations you made a decision.
I did.
I made a decision on my own.
I'm decisive.
I'm your guy.
Of course, I'd have gone with Martin.
Ohhh! I hear the tollbooth strike is off.
The morning commute is gonna be back to its usual slow crawl.
Another problem solved.
It's moments like this that make me glad I decided not to run for the senate.
I love being mayor of this city.
I love the people.
I love the way the park smells on a fall day.
I love the free apples you get outside every Korean market.
SirThose aren't free.
Let him go.
Thank you, Caitlin.
You, too, Charlie.
Thank you.
Sir you called me Charlie.
Don't let it go to your head, Mike.
Here's a list of my meetings for tomorrow.
Did you traumatize any of these people? NoNoNo.
I'm gonna skip the 3:00.
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.