That '70s Show s05e01 Episode Script

( Phone Ringing ) Hello? Donna, it's you! How's California? Have you run into Johnny Carson yet? No.
I read he won't eat corn.
What? Oh, Eric.
Oh.
No.
No.
I know he wants to talk to you.
He hasn't heard from you all summer.
I'll get him.
Eric! Ow! Eric.
Eric, are you in the bathroom? ( Eric ) Yes.
- Well, get off, because- - Mom? Mom.
When this door is closed, it's my sacred alone time.
Okay? Think of it as church.
- But, I- - Mom.
! Fine.
Gets up at noon, sits on the toilet until dinner- What kind of summer is that? ( Rock Group Singing ) ( Ends ) ( Man Shouts Greeting ) Well, you made me lose my concentration.
Now I'm gonna have to go back there in about an hour.
I just wanted to tell you Donna called.
Her number's on the pad by the kitchen phone.
What? Why wouldn't you say something? And I'm staying out of this, but if you'd eat a little bran you could've taken that call yourself.
( Whistling ) - Where's the notepad? - Here.
Quit twitchin'.
What? There's no number.
Dad.
( Whistling Continues ) Step away from the vehicle.
Isn't it a little early for you to be hopped up? - Empty your pockets, now.
- Get the hell out of my pants! Got it.
What the hell is wrong with him? He has low self-esteem because you are too domineering.
Red, you're gonna let Forman get away with that, man? He just felt you up.
Where's the foot in the ass? - Unless you're getting too old.
- Shut it.
And go shave that thing.
You look like a damn Hungarian.
- ( Stereo: Rock ) - It's ringing.
- ( Singsongy ) It's ringing.
-( Line Ringing ) Oh, my God, it's ringing.
And Eric chickens out again.
Quack, quack, quack.
Forman, what's the problem? It's just- I want to tell her to come home, that I miss her that I love her.
I mean, it's too much to say over the phone.
Look, Eric, just write her a letter.
That's how I broke up with Michael.
Yeah.
I was able to take my time and come up with good synonyms for ''cowardly, won't-marry-me loser run-away-to-California jackass.
'' Jackie, I'm charismatic in person.
I've got these awesome hand gestures.
And, uh, I kind of, like, waggle my eyebrows when I talk.
Wait.
You do that on purpose? Thanks, you guys.
That's-That's helpful.
( Continues ) You know what? That's it.
I'm going.
I'll just show up in California and, like, blow her mind.
Yeah.
I mean when the Empire killed Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle, did he just call 'em up? - Oh, God.
- Oh.
No.
He hopped on the Millennium Falcon and he paid a little visit to the Death Star.
Wait a minute.
Do chickens go quack, or did I mess that up? I sat at my mom's house for three hours.
Eric still hasn't called.
Hey, you know what might make you feel better? Playing pinball over there.
I don't have any quarters.
Hey, Kelso.
You know what might help me? If you could tell me how you got overJackie.
You rememberJackie, don't you? - Who's Jackie? - Uh Jackie was my dog.
She died in a Big Wheel accident.
No, Annette.
I meantJackie, his ex-girlfriend.
Uh, also dead.
- She's not dead.
- What's going on here? - Why are you lying to me? - No, no.
I'm not lying,Jackie- Annette.
Look, baby.
Well, my work here is done.
You want to go to California to get Donna? You can't go to California.
But I have to tell Donna I love her and that she should be back here with me.
Oh.
Well, that's sweet.
I think it would sound especially good on the phone.
But don't call till after 7:00 when the rates go down.
Well, I can't call her.
I mean - did Luke Skywalker- - Oh.
Would you stop.
Luke Skywalker this.
Luke Skywalker that.
I'm sick of hearing about that little fruit.
Luke Skywalker is not- He and Leia clearly- I- Mom, Dad.
- This is important.
- ( Red ) No.
No California.
You know what's important? School.
You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.
Luke Skywalker would've buckled down.
Forman, there's a flight to California in four hours, and you're on it.
Before you get all gushy, we didn't pay for it.
We stole the money from your secret stash in the Scooby-Doo thermos.
You guys know about Scooby-Doo? It was a good try, but you should have known that eventually I would need to take some cocoa on the go.
Well, thanks, you guys but my parents will kill me.
- No, Eric.
We'll cover for you.
- Yeah.
Believe me.
I got no problem foolin' whitey.
Hyde, you're white.
( Scoffs ) Barely.
Eric, if you love her, you have to go.
You're right.
I'm gonna do this.
Damn it, I'm goin'.
I gotta go pack.
Hey, let me help.
I love putting together outfits.
- Finally.
- Yeah.
I thought they'd never leave.
You know, Steven, it was really nice of you to get that ticket for Eric.
This usually works a whole lot better when you don't talk.
Look, Annette.
You're way more important to me than Jackie ever was.
I mean, you're blonde.
You're beautiful.
You practically never wear a whole shirt.
I'm sorry.
It's just the thought of you with somebody else got me really upset.
I'm really upset.
Which is why I propose that we do something special and romantic.
Let's do it.
Michael, I don't do that.
- I'm a virgin.
- What? A coincidence.
Me too.
So let's do it.
First-timers, yeah.
You know what? I'm gonna go cool off.
- Kelso- - Ah-ah, one second.
She's coolin' off.
Look.
I was wondering if you and Annette could maybe discuss your plans to do it or not do it when I'm not around.
But you're never not around.
You're always here.
You're like a carbuncle.
Kelso, you don't even know what a carbuncle is.
Well, I know it's gross, and it doesn't go away.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
It's just I don't know anybody else.
California people are freaks.
Like that guy.
You can't smoke that out here! I miss Eric.
That guy even looks like Eric.
Oh, my God.
Eric! Donna! Kelso, what the hell are you doing? Winning.
I oughta- I- I can't believe you came here for me.
Of course I did.
Donna, I love you.
And I have so much to say, but I- You guys can French all you want.
I totally won.
- Hey, Red.
- Good day, Mr.
Red.
Wait a minute.
Where's the other idiot? Other idiot? Do we know another idiot? - Where's Eric? - Where's Eric? Where are you, man, and who wants to know? The U.
S.
government, that's who.
Like, I read by 1 984, the government will have tracking devices on all of us.
And after that, they're gonna jam electrodes in our brains so they can read our memories.
Damn U.
S.
government.
''Damn U.
S.
government''? Without our government, you'd be stuck in Siberia now suckin' the juice from a rotten commie potato.
Let me tell you something.
If the U.
S.
government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass you say, ''Thank you and God bless America.
'' He's so easy.
And then after Michael threw up, I told him ''You're not supposed to eat the plastic wrapping.
'' And that's how we met.
Wow.
That's- That's like Love Story.
Wow.
I wish there was more to talk about.
Bye.
Would you look at her.
She's so hot, she could be a robot.
''A robot''? Whatever.
Look.
You have the van, and we want to go home.
No.
Uh-uh.
I can't leave Annette.
I love her.
You don't love her.
I love parts of her.
I mean, unlikeJackie, she believes in me.
Okay.
I told Annette I wanted to be an astronaut and she said that she thought I could.
To be fair, she wants to be a lady astronaut.
I mean, come on, guys.
Just give me a few hours.
Okay? If- Look.
This girl is beautiful, and she believes in me.
And if I can get her to put out, she'll be three out of three.
Right now, she's only two out of three.
And I'm sorry, but 50% just ain't gonna cut it.
Okay.
Look, Steven.
These last few weeks with you have been really dirty and really wrong.
Jackie, talking is for people who have something in common.
Oh, good God.
You kids switch partners more than square dancers.
Uh, no.
It's not what you think.
We're not together.
Then what's going on in my kitchen? Um Eric's in California.
Jackie, you just totally burned Forman.
That was so badass.
So, Annette, I'm just saying that I'm leaving in a couple hours.
So I guess the question is what, oh, what can two virgins do to kill an afternoon? Well, there is something.
But it's kind of wet and dirty.
Sold! Having fun? No.
I mean, these are our last hours together and you're not nude.
So all you care about is sex? I thought there was more to you than that.
But there isn't.
But there is.
I believe in you.
- Stop saying that.
- But I do.
Damn.
All right.
Start digging the moat.
( Waves Crashing ) I was so scared that I'd never feel like this with you again.
I mean Eric, after last year- - Donna.
- I- About Casey and all that stuff? I don't care.
Okay? I just want to be with you.
You know, all summer I hated California.
But now that you're here, it's, like, amazing.
This is the most romantic night of my whole life.
Yeah, I know.
Me too.
I have sand in my crack.
- Yeah, me too.
- Oh.
Eric, I want to go home.
( Eric Chuckles ) Hey, Kelso.
How was your date with Annette? We went to a carnival.
I won her six stuffed animals.
Then we shared a giant pretzel.
And then I walked her home, and she gave me a good-night kiss on the cheek.
You know, in Wisconsin if you win a girl a giant purple rhinoceros she puts out! ( Pops ) ( Engine Rewing ) ( Horn Honks ) So, my folks have no idea I was gone.
- No idea.
You're golden.
- Ah.
- Oh.
Hyde! - Hey.
You got a beard! You look so old.
Of course I look old, man.
Party more than you.
Work more, drank more, and slept with way more chicks.
I'm exhausted, man.
Fez, my little man! How was your summer? Well, I saw a boob and a half down by the pool.
Yeah.
Pool boob.
Nice.
Look.
Donna, I know you're nervous about seeing people at school after running away and all but I want you to know it's all under control.
I told everyone you went away to have a baby.
- What? - Yeah.
It was badass.
Oh, yeah.
I say badass now.
Hi, Daddy.
Don't you ''Daddy'' me.
Although it does sound good to hear those words again.
- Bob.
- Right.
You're in big trouble, young lady.
Now get home now.
Move.
Well I guess that's what happens when you, uh, disobey your parents, huh? Hey, why the long faces? Did you think that I- No, no.
Funny story.
True story.
I'm walkin' home from the library and who should drive by? Kelso and Donna.
Back from California.
Where they were.
Not me.
Oh, hey? They know.
What do you have to say for yourself? I- I brought you a seashell.
Just get in the house.
( Mock Sobbing ) Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in? Oh, yeah.
And it was worth it.
- ( Car Chase On TV) - Oh, not this again.
I told you, it gives me needs.
Fine.
We'll be upstairs.
Too late.
- Why are we watching this? It's stupid.
- You're stupid.
Man, I've been gone all summer and I get back, and everything is just the same.
I guess nothing ever changes around here.