The Conners (2018) s05e01 Episode Script

1
Come on, slowpokes!
We got a honeymoon to start!
Uh, wasn't me.
Not like I was packing lingerie.
He knows what he bought.
And I lost the receipt,
so I guess I'm stuck with it.
I can't believe you guys
are going together.
Well, Ben found a great deal,
and better a double honeymoon
than no honeymoon.
Hm.
Maybe.
No. No. You know what?
It's gonna be great.
I-I did a lot of work
on myself this year,
and I'm gonna be positive.
Feels wrong, makes me kinda sweaty,
but I'm gonna do it.
Anyway, here's where we're going.
It's a lovely two-bedroom cabin
on the lake near the dunes.
There's no reception.
Oh. Fine by me.
The only signal I need is right here,
and it is flashing green.
This is so weird.
I never thought I'd be going on
a honeymoon with my Aunt Jackie.
Aww! That's sweet.
No, no.
I mean I never thought
you'd be going on a honeymoon.
What's that supposed to mean?
No, no. I-It's great. It's great.
Just Just kind of a shocker, right?
I mean, even you've got to admit
your romantic life's
been kind of a dumpster fire.
Ben: [Chuckles] Right? I mean, holy cow.
You couldn't make a relationship work
if you gave it a salary
and a company car.
[Laughs]
You know, you're barely family.
And yet here we are, right?
You've got Neville and whatever
brain-eating cow virus
he picked up at work
that's making him love you!
[Laughter]
Fingers crossed for no cure!
[Laughing] That's funny! Yeah!
Aunt Jackie finally
trapped herself a man,
but he's only got part of his brain.
So if he tries to run away,
he'll just go in circles.
[Laughter]
Hey.
It doesn't take a whole brain
to love you. Mwah.
♪
♪
♪
Boots and saddles, Harris.
Boots and saddles.
Oh, we're all gonna be out
of town at the same time,
so somebody be sure to arm
the security system.
It's on.
Harris, do you realize
this is one of the last times
we'll ever share a room?
'Cause at Mom's new place,
we each have our own.
Harris: Yeah. About that.
Mom, I know we planned on me moving in,
but I decided it's better
if I don't live with you.
Hey, you know what? It's okay.
You don't owe me.
But when you were little,
you wandered off into the park
a couple times.
I set my coffee down
and went looking for you.
Didn't have to.
Becky: Wait, Harris.
I know we talked about getting
a place together.
And I love you.
You're like a daughter to me.
But I just can't afford it right now.
No, no. It's not that.
I don't want to live with you either.
Well, you lose because I said it first.
So, where you gonna live?
With Grandpa and Louise.
I'm sorry.
Is there another Grandpa
and Louise who invited you?
I promised my Louise privacy.
You said I was always welcome here.
That's when you said you were leaving.
I'll talk to her
when she comes off the road.
Okay! Load up!
Hey, how'd you guys decide
on a water park?
Beverly Rose won a half-price
coupon from her preschool
because her knowledge of colors
is exemplary.
Banana, yellow. Beet, red. Beer, brown.
The last one's me.
Thanks for avoiding
living with me again.
It'd be nice to have an older sister
who could give me advice once in a while
or be there for me during hard times.
But it's fine.
I've gotten used to being an only child.
[Sighs]
♪
Oh! You know what?
You're lighter
without all the negativity.
Oh! Well, that answers the question
"How much does a personality weigh?"
- Oh, wow!
- Jackie: Oh!
Oh, Neville!
Oh, my God! Neville!
Our room is huge!
It It really is.
- Let's go see what our room is like.
- Yeah.
You guys, there's no other bedroom.
That's the bathroom.
But the pictures online showed
two separate bedrooms.
- Ah.
- Oh, God. They are separate.
They're just on top of each other.
Well, we need to get another cabin.
There were no other cabins.
Oh.
And the deposit is nonrefundable
because it was a last-minute deal.
[Sighs]
God. You know,
you'd think you could trust
a website called
"You Get What You Pay For."
All right. Look.
It was a really long drive.
Let's just figure it out in the morning.
We have two beds. That's the main thing.
Yeah. Let's just unpack all of
our stuff later and just relax.
Darlene: Right.
We get to chill in a super-cute
room with people we love.
You guys, let's just watch a movie.
Oh, no. No.
I'm on the miracle honeymoon
that no one thought that I'd ever have.
So I think I'd rather watch the
movie playing in my man's eyes.
Don't know how the three of us are
gonna get close enough to see that.
But if you guys need
the distraction of the TV, sure.
We just want to be together,
and that's enough.
Yeah. Us too.
We don't need distractions.
We spend a lot of our time
just talking to each other.
Oh, you need to talk?
I think that sometimes
people need to do that
when they have problems
in their relationship.
I talk when it's quiet.
Just Just
No. We don't have to either.
I once spent a whole weekend
with my head on Ben's chest
just, like, listening to his heart beat.
Mm-hmm. I thought I was having
arrhythmia from my sinus pills.
But everything we do is super romantic.
Mm-hmm. [Smooches]
I got to pee.
Even that. [Smooches]
Aww! That's great.
But have you ever fed Ben cake
in a bathtub filled with champagne?
No, because I don't want to get
an infection.
Uh, I don't want to interrupt
the love talk,
but all they have is this bar soap.
Well, that's okay. I love bar soap.
Do you love it used?
'Cause this one has a hair
that goes all the way around it
like a ribbon.
All right. Maybe we should
just get settled in.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Well, why don't you and Ben take
the nice cozy loft,
and Neville and I will
snuggle up together down here.
Don't worry.
I can control myself for one night.
Although, I don't think anybody
should blame Neville if he can't.
[Laughs]
Well, if he can't,
just mention that I found the hairy soap
sitting on an old, used Band-Aid.
That pretty much shut me down
for the night.
♪
[Sighs] Come on.
You've been pouting all day.
Is this still about me living
with Grandpa?
Don't be a little bitch
and ruin our vacation.
I'm gonna run a bath.
There was a diaper floating
alongside me in the lazy river.
It's not always about you.
[Water running]
I saw this on Instagram
while we were driving up.
Okay, so that little jerk Logan
didn't tell you he had a new boyfriend.
What's the big deal?
I thought you guys split up months ago.
I didn't tell Mom,
but we never stopped talking.
We were planning on me going
to live with him in Oklahoma someday.
I didn't know that.
But you dodged two bullets.
He was a bummer and Oklahoma.
Oklahoma looks nice in
this photo of Logan making out
with someone who's not me.
Well, hey. We g We got a mini fridge.
Maybe there's something in there
that'll cheer you up.
You ever had a $12 Twix bar?
Candy isn't gonna help.
What are you doing?
That's a beer! Put that back!
No.
Don't kid around. It's on a sensor.
You have 30 seconds to put it back
or they'll know you took it.
I'm not kidding around.
This is gonna make me feel better.
Okay. I know where you're at,
but you're too young to drink.
And I'm gonna catch hell if you do.
Then leave the room,
and you're not part of it.
[Scoffs] God. You're really
gonna do this, huh?
Yeah, I am.
All right. Well, here's the deal.
You wanted a big sister who
helps get you through things,
- so that's what we're gonna do.
- Oh, gee, thanks.
Now you're gonna lecture me
about how it's gonna get better
and I'm gonna find somebody else.
No. We're gonna drink.
You're gonna do this anyway, so
it's better you do it with me.
But we're not drinking
that low-carb backwash.
Here.
Swap this remote for the tequila.
I brought margarita mix.
Tastes better. More healing power.
You packed margarita mix?
I'm at an indoor water park
with my family.
This is what I packed first.
What I said about you not
being there for me
I take it all back. I love you.
Oh, God.
You're not gonna be
that kind of drunk, are you?
♪
I can't fall asleep at 8:00 p.m.
[Sighs]
Maybe we could see
if there's a really boring movie
playing on Neville's eyes.
Hey, do you think
that Jackie and Neville
are more in love than we are?
No. Why would you say that?
I don't know.
They're just so giddy around each other.
Well, look.
We're not giddy people.
You know, I'm from a Nordic background,
and you're shut down emotionally,
so we express our love
by not showing it.
Yeah. Right. We're not demonstrative.
Yeah.
We don't need to prove to everybody
how much in love we are.
- We just know it.
- Yeah.
Ah.
Remember that time we held hands
at the county fair?
Yeah. That was weird.
I felt like an idiot.
Me too.
[Exhales deeply]
Well, but why is it bothering me so much
that Jackie's trying to prove
that their love is better than ours?
She's being so competitive.
Hey, it's apples and oranges.
They're all touchy-feely, and we're all
"Don't be rubbing on me when I wake up."
- Mm! [Laughs]
- Night.
Night?
It's our honeymoon.
Well, yeah, but
Well, but if you don't do something
on the first night of
your honeymoon, it's bad luck.
Where'd you read that?
The bathroom wall at The Lunch Box.
Just do it. Come on.
We'll be really quiet.
Well, are you sure we can be quiet?
I mean I'm kind of a screamer.
Can't make any noise
if your mouth is busy.
Ooh! [Laughs]
Neville: [Laughs] Jackie!
- [Jackie laughing]
- Come on.
- [Both laughing]
- Stop! Stop!
[Laughs]
What's that?
[Metal creaking]
Oh, my God. Am I hearing
what I think I'm hearing?
Yes, you are.
[Exhales sharply]
You know what? I know what this is.
They're trying to prove
that they're more passionate
than we are.
Let's just be really quiet,
and once they see we're not
taking the bait, they will stop.
Fine.
[Creaking continues]
If you love me, you will
hit me with that canoe lamp
and knock me out.
Well, sure, but then who's gonna
hit me with the canoe lamp?
♪
You should have seen, Dad.
When that chunky kid and his dad
crashed into Beverly Rose
at the end of the slide,
she rode the wave like a pro!
I heard the kid Augustus Glooped himself
on the next tube ride down.
Oh! Did you get through
to Harris and Mark?
Uh, kind of.
I called, and Harris answered,
"Conner's Insane Asylum.
Best place to drop your nuts."
And then Mark laughed hysterically
and started singing "Oklahoma!"
and they hung up.
Well, I'm glad they're having fun,
but they better get over here
for dinner.
"Drop your nuts."
That was your mom's joke.
You think the young ones
aren't listening, but they are.
♪
I think that album changed my life.
Morrissey got me through
a lot of breakups.
He's not just sad.
He's also bitter
and occasionally petty and vengeful.
That's what spoke to me.
Me too.
I-I feel like you and I are
Are so close now.
We're sharing something
so profound together,
on the same level.
I know.
You know, I've always wanted
to get you drunk
and make you listen to Morrissey,
but you just wouldn't
have got it until now.
Yeah.
Man, when I was 10, I was so shallow.
I was gonna run away when I was 16.
And I heard that album, and
it made me realize
how scary the world was.
Plus, I knew you'd need someone
to help get you through it.
You didn't go because of me?
Yeah.
And now I can't leave
because you're finally fun.
You think I'm fun?
That means we're friends! [Sobs]
Yeah. Yeah.
There's tissues in the bathroom.
- Oh.
- [Water squishing]
Oh, God. I cried so much the rug's wet.
Crap. How long ago
did I turn on the bathtub?
[Water running, knock on door]
Everything is overflowing.
Where do I throw up?
The sink. Newbie.
Dan: Open the door!
Oh, hey, man. What's up?
What the hell's going on in there?
The front desk called and said
the room below you is flooding.
Yeah. Even the
The rooms are water rides.
It's a really great hotel.
Okay. Be right over in a minute.
[Knock on door]
Take the chain off the door
or stand back and I'll do it myself!
Uh, a-all right.
It'll just take a-a second.
The chain is stuck. It's super weird.
[Bottle thuds]
Hey.
Oh. I'm gonna need yours, too.
- That's weird.
- [Water squishing]
Our fridge only had alcohol.
Yours is filled with shoes
and a clock.
You guys were drinking straight tequila?
Who do you think I am? Of course not!
I brought a mix.
Mark doesn't drink.
And trust me,
you don't start with tequila.
Ah. From what I saw in there,
he knows that now.
Okay. Everybody pack up.
I don't want to get hit for the damages.
I'll grab Mark. Oh!
And grab those puffy hangers.
I told Louise I'd bring her a gift.
[Metal creaking]
[Whispering] We've got to do something!
I don't know what you just said,
but we have got to do something.
I really don't want to get involved
in a conversation with them about this.
Oh, I know, right? It's so awkward.
I guess she's just trying to
make the best of her honeymoon.
Heard her make the best of it
three times already.
[Sighs]
Maybe we should cough,
and then they'll realize
we're actually awake and get the hint.
[Creaking continues]
- [Clears throat]
- [Coughs]
[Creaking continues]
- [Coughs loudly]
- [Coughs loudly]
[Creaking continues]
All right. They're not going for subtle.
[Bag thuds]
Jackie: What's your problem?
Go back to sleep!
Uh, we haven't been to sleep.
We can hear everything.
Well, I'm sorry, but it's our honeymoon.
Our love is so strong, we just
got caught up in the moment.
The moment? It's been an hour
of giggling and squeaking.
I think I heard crying at one point.
Oh, that was me. I got a foot cramp.
[Whispering] Not really.
I was just so happy.
You're just jealous because clearly
there's more excitement
in our relationship.
Then be excited in the bathroom
with a towel under the door
or outside in the woods.
I mean, what kind of freaks are you?
And who said, "Poke me
with your pitchfork, devil"?
That's none of your business.
And what kind of freaks are you,
listening for an hour?
Okay. You know what? Look.
This conversation is going nowhere good,
- and neither is this honeymoon.
- All right. You know what?
Let's just leave.
I'm gonna call an Uber.
Yeah. Good.
Because you obviously can't
handle a real loving couple.
I'm glad you're going.
Yeah, because now
you can leave the door open
and give the raccoons a show.
Raccoons have seen it all.
They're not gonna
And never mind. You're being sarcastic.
♪
Becky: It takes a lot longer to
drive back when you have to stop
every 10 minutes
so Mark can lean out the window
and spread sunshine all over the place.
I'm sorry. I've never been this sick.
I'll get to you in a minute.
I didn't want to yell
in front of the kid,
but what the hell were you
thinking, letting Mark drink?
He's got a bright future
and a liver
we're all gonna need a piece of.
[Door opens]
What happened to the side of the car?
You guys sideswipe a deer?
And what's wrong with Mark?
Your kids went all Hunter S.
Thompson in their hotel room.
Huge drinking binge.
And they flooded the place.
Why are you guys back?
Oh, a couple wild animals
got into the room,
and apparently it was mating season.
Could you guys give us a second?
What the hell were you guys thinking?
And why are you drinking
all of a sudden?
I still care about Logan,
and I saw that he has a new boyfriend
and that he's forgotten about me.
So Harris and I got drunk.
Okay. Look. I-I'm sorry about that.
But having your heart broken
doesn't mean
you get to be self-destructive
and irresponsible.
Look, I know we've modeled nothing else,
but still, you have seen
good families on TV.
Go easy on him.
He could have done a lot worse things
than drinking and flooding a bathroom.
Listen. This is totally
unacceptable, okay?
You are grounded for two weeks,
and you have no phone.
- Please don't take my phone.
- No.
We need it to stage photos
of him on Instagram
looking like he's doing great
after Logan dumped him.
All right. Then we'll take your phone.
I'm taking somebody's phone.
It's not her fault.
I was gonna do it anyway.
She was just trying to be a friend.
Wow. Sticking up for each other.
That's new.
Okay. This one time, all right?
You're still grounded for two weeks,
but you can have the phone.
But this better never happen
again, okay?
Thank you. Can we go listen to music?
There's an album I want to throw up to.
That's it? That's all you're gonna do?
Are you sure you don't want to
buy him a bottle of wine
to celebrate their new friendship?
There's a bigger picture here, Becky.
They finally have a relationship.
If that took a couple of drinks one time
to get that to happen, then so be it.
♪
Hey.
What are you doing back so soon?
Um, after you left, they
found out the loft was empty,
and they booked somebody else into it.
But I brought some stuff you guys left.
Sweater. Toothbrush.
Oh, and your prudish attitude
about making love
in the same room as a relative.
Why were you trying so hard
to prove that you're
a better couple than us?
How can you even ask me that
after all the hurtful things
you said about me going on a honeymoon
and how nobody would ever
want to be with me?
That's how the Conners show love.
We find each other's emotional
wounds and we pour salt in.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No. I know all that.
Aunt Jackie's a lunatic.
Aunt Jackie's a screw-up.
How could Aunt Jackie ever find
somebody to love her?
I've dealt with those issues
my whole life.
I don't need to hear it from you
and the rest of the family.
I deserve better.
You do.
Maybe I just saw how happy
you and Neville were
from the moment you got together.
You know, Ben and I had
so many ups and downs
before we got married,
and I guess I just
felt a little insecure.
Well, maybe I did try a little too hard
to to show that Neville and I
are crazy in love.
Yep.
[Chuckles]
Well, it was a long road
to healthy relationships
for both of us, but hey, we made it!
Yeah, we did.
[Laughs]
All right. So be real with me.
Were you guys really going at it
for an hour,
or were you just making noises
to impress us?
Actually, it was longer.
I put a pillow over his face
for the first part,
but that was just partially
for your benefit.
Uh, J My fault for asking.
- Okay.
- We can
Why do I have to wash the car now?
- My head is killing me.
- That's exactly why.
How you feeling, buddy?!
- Don't do that.
- [Laughs]
Ben, cut him a break.
Mark, this might make you feel better.
It's one of those funny videos
of the goats that you like.
[Goat screaming]
[Laughs]