The Goldbergs s05e01 Episode Script

1 Back in the '80s, my life changed forever when I saw the movie "Weird Science.
" For a geek like me, nothing was cooler than two social outcasts using their tricked-out computer to create a magical dream-woman.
Was it absurd? Sure.
Did it stop me? No.
[Adam speaking gibberish.]
By the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads? Ceremonial.
- Cut.
- So how'd we do? May I just point out how incredibly flawed the gender politics of all of this is? Please don't judge me.
I just have an unhealthy desire to live in each and every John Hughes movie.
I'm just hoping this actually works and we magically create a foxy babe for me to smooch on.
Wait, you do realize none of this is real.
Let Dave Kim have this.
Show time! [Knock on door.]
It worked? Yes! I built an Erica.
Hey, weirdos.
I'm leaving for college in 30 minutes, and I need my bras.
Ew! I put it on my head! You told me these belonged to your grandma.
Which is not much better now that I saw it out loud.
Okay, I'm off to college.
Adam, I'll miss you.
Dave Kim, the opposite.
You keep telling yourself that.
[Gags.]
I particularly related to the brother dynamics.
Wyatt was bullied by Chet, and I had to live with Barry.
Hey, that's my serving of fruit for the day.
Oh, then maybe you should have some punch.
Ow! Okay, morons.
We're only gonna be gone for three days.
Try and be alive when we get back.
All right, that's everything.
Whoa, what's all this stuff? When I went to college, all I brought were some flip-flops and a cookie.
Hold on, Shmoo.
There is one thing you forgot.
Time to give Mama all the kisses.
Oh, come on, dude.
Really? It's what we've done every first-day of school since kindergarten.
Now, give me all the kisses so I can store 'em away for a rainy day like little love-acorns.
No, I don't even remember how to do it.
Easy.
Eskimo kiss, butterfly kiss, cheek kiss, cheek kiss, and one last kiss for your palm to ball up and stick in your heart.
Gotcha.
Well I am gonna put this in my bag for later.
Don't put my kiss in your dark duffel bag.
Take it out and put it in your heart.
Stick my kiss in your heart.
I don't want the kiss, Mom.
Okay, okay.
Stop.
I will take your precious kiss out of the dark bag and put it in my heart.
Fake out It's gone.
No! I caught it, and I'm throwing it back to you.
- No, take it back.
- You take it.
- Take this kiss, Mom.
- You keep it.
I'm not going to college with a kiss.
- You're killing me.
- Quit it.
I don't want it! This is gonna be a long car ride.
Weird science It was August 27, 1980-something, college move-in day, or for my mom, the end of the world.
I can't believe we're already moving you into college.
It seems like only yesterday, I was trying to get your preschool teacher fired for letting you smell those toxic markers.
I hate this humidity.
It feels like someone opened up a dishwasher mid-cycle in my pants.
You can change your swampy chinos when you get to Erica's room.
Got it.
Listen, I know it's hard to say goodbye, which is why I'm giving you a very generous three hours to part ways.
Cool? Not cool.
I need 6 to 20.
Mom, look around.
Where are we right now? D.
C.
School of the Arts.
And who got in off the wait-list last-minute, enraging Dad 'cause he lost his deposit at Emory? - You.
- Point is, I know it goes against everything you stand for, but you have to say goodbye.
Bye.
Bye, now.
Ta-ta.
See you on the flip-flop.
What are you doing? Practicing the different ways of saying goodbye.
It's gonna be very hard when that day comes.
- That day is now.
- Leave that.
Go get the rest of your stuff out of the car, and I'll help you unpack.
Hello.
By any chance, are you Erica Goldberg's R.
A.
? Yes.
I'm Srini.
You must be Erica's mother.
Don't worry.
Your daughter's in great hands.
Ah, that is so good to hear.
Now shut your [bleep.]
mouth and do everything - I'm about to tell you.
- Oh, dear.
You might be the other kid's R.
A.
, but when it comes to my little pickle, you're me.
It's your job to see that she's fed, well-rested, and regular.
Actually, I'm pretty sure my job is to hand out pamphlets and make sure no one's being loud after 10:00.
Not anymore.
Here's a variety of medicines to help with Erica's allergies and sour tummy.
Now, if flu season comes early this year, how's your chicken soup game? Soup's really not my area.
I'm more of a resident advisor.
You have a freezer in your mini-fridge.
Keep this in there in case of emergencies.
I can take out the tiny little ice tray, but I'm still not sure that would fit.
You have given me zero confidence that you are up for this important task.
I agree.
I'm not up to it.
Oh, there she is.
There's my baby.
Erica, this is Srini, your R.
A.
.
Hi.
I'm Erica.
I hope my mom is behaving.
Um, she's, uh Ah So, what room am I in? Um, 103 with Erica Coolidge.
Oh, no.
You're both named Erica.
Please don't be mad.
It's crazy how much you care.
Erica, you're in very good hands.
(Music playing) Hey! Hi, I'm your roommate, apparently also Erica.
Like, hi.
I totally fer sure call top bunk, mostly 'cause your dad already took the bottom.
Oh, your roomie's a valley girl.
Just like in that movie where everybody's rude and unlikable.
She'll be gone very soon.
Anyway, it's nice to finally meet.
- Fer sure.
- Fer sure.
- Fer sure.
- Fer sure.
- Fer sure.
- Fer sure.
Or whatever.
I'm not mocking your people.
Aw.
This is so great.
You two are gonna be best friends for the rest of your Oh, no! Is that a hot plate? That has got to go.
You're gonna burn the place down.
You know, that's how Buddy Holly died.
Bevy, Buddy Holly died in a plane crash.
We don't know there wasn't a hot plate on that plane.
She'll be gone soon, Erica.
Just hang in there.
She's totally a barf bag, but I'll manage.
I was actually talking to myself.
Sorry I called your mom a barf bag.
No, no.
Your instincts are good.
While Erica couldn't wait to lose my mom, my brother was trying to find love.
Prepare yourselves, ladies.
The impossible is now possible.
Barry Goldberg is on the open market.
Um, what is this? Your destiny.
So, who amongst you is ready to battle in a Thunderdome-like cage match for my affection? Dude, what world do you live in? You're, like, a 2 at best.
Naturally, Barry was delighted by the flirtation until he realized just bad he got burned.
Like always, he took it out on me and my pudding cup.
Why? Huge news, baby brother.
My senior year of awesome begins now.
I've got a three-part plan to achieve legendary status.
Step 1, lock down a new girlfriend way hotter and smarter than Lainey.
I'm realistic, which is why I've allotted 48 hours for her to find me.
It's in her court now.
Step 2, become starting varsity power forward? Weren't you kicked off the basketball team in 7th grade? Well, Coach McCoy said I could join the team after I learned how to pass.
But he died, so the ball-hog's back.
Next? Wait.
Step 3 is me.
What does that even mean? I've penciled you in for a daily display of dominance and humiliation to boost my visibility in front of the more popular, meaner kids.
It's so detailed.
Purple nurples, dead arms, swirlies, butt hat.
What's a butt hat? Aw, I hate this hat.
Take it off! Show's over, folks.
You did good work today, champ.
Love you.
Well, we now know what a butt hat is.
This is bad.
Without Lainey around, Barry's gonna concentrate all his horrible energy on me.
Well, there's only one thing left to do Find him a new girlfriend.
- Let me help.
- Don't.
He has a wildly unrealistic view of his general appeal.
Lainey fell for him, right? She was a unicorn.
There's no way we'll ever find someone so blind to Barry's idiocy ever again.
Well, maybe I can.
Just give me a list of the things he's looking for and we can find him a girl.
I'll try, but he doesn't really open up to me besides his butt cheeks to make a hat.
Yeah, I wouldn't keep bringing that up.
As I enlisted Jackie to help find a girl for Barry, Erica had finally found peace in her dorm, or so she thought.
Oh, there you are.
I have something special for you.
Um, that's like every lame R.
A.
pamphlet that exists.
Please, just take them.
And maybe, please, let your mom know that I gave them to you.
Sure.
Wow.
Right in front of me.
I just met a totally radical guitarist, so don't wait up.
Really? 'Cause I thought that we could hang out and get to know each other.
I feel like I already know you because your mom's been telling me, like, a lot of stories.
Why are my parents still here? Your dad napped and then took a cab back to the hotel.
He's a sweaty man.
Anyway, like, bye.
Erica knew it was time to send my mom home Ta-da! but my mom brought our entire home to her.
This seems concerning.
I made it look just like your old bedroom so you wouldn't get homesick.
Oh, I even brought Donnie, your favorite new boy in the neighborhood.
He's a New Kid on the Block, he doesn't belong here, and neither do you.
Just please go.
Oh, I can't leave now.
It's dark outside.
- So? - So, I have horrible night vision and can't get behind the wheel.
You have a perfectly good bed back at your motel.
You need to get in the car and go.
And miss a turn and hit a semi and flip the car and end up pinned under the steering wheel while the station wagon burns around me? Is that what you want for your mother? It was classic Bev guilt, which totally worked.
College is fun.
While Erica settled in for a co-ed nightmare, Barry was dreaming about his old flame, Lainey Lewis.
Hey, handsome.
Just for fun and no other reason, what qualities are you looking for in a lover? Wait, why are you asking me about beautiful bikini babes? I just thought, maybe, I could help you find a new girlfriend to start your year of awesome.
What would I let someone who wears my butt as a hat set me up with a girl? As expected, Barry wasn't biting, so I had to get creative.
Too bad, 'cause my plan was to "Weird Science" you up a hot girl.
Dude, a computer can't really do that.
It can do anything.
Did you know a computer just defeated the world's greatest chess champion? - In chess? - Yes! No! Why wasn't I told?! Stupid Dan Rather! Just jot down some things you might like in a lady, and I'll use list to whip you up a hot babe of your liking.
While I'm excited to put all my eggs in this basket, I still need scientific proof.
Mr.
Connelly! It's a scholastic emergency! Come as fast as you can.
You're a really good science teacher.
- I got a question.
- No, no.
- Don't bother the man.
- Zip it, little nerd.
I need to talk to the big nerd.
Sir, in your expert scientific opinion, is it possible for me to "Weird Science" up a girlfriend? It was game-over.
Scientifically speaking My teacher always took science seriously.
Absolutely.
Until he didn't.
I knew it! Watch out, Kelly LeBrock.
Big Tasty's comin' for ya.
Why would you lie like that? Between you and me, I have a butt-wad of an older brother, too.
You know, I'm using that movie to find him a girlfriend so he won't beat me up.
Would he actually fall for that? Dude, come on! Let's go make me this girl already.
Every week, he surprises us.
Whoo! Year of awesome! My mom was so psyched to be spending the first night of college with Erica, she literally couldn't sleep.
Okay, stop.
What are you doing? Assembling your safety credenza.
First aid, fire ladder, canned foods, powdered milk, and a handheld siren to alert rescuers when you're caught in rubble.
It's really loud.
Want to hear? I am in college.
I don't need any credenzas.
Now go to bed before someone finds out that you're still here.
Evening, Erica.
I wanted to inform you and Erica of tonight's freshman mixer that the school has mandated me to throw.
"Jamaican' Me Crazy" party? Ya, mon! This doesn't come naturally to me.
Can this be over, now? As long as you're there.
The kids you meet tonight might end up being your friends for life.
Of course, my college friends are now doctors and lawyers while I pursue a foolish dream of making art from everyday garbage.
Like Nick from "Family Ties"? It was my idea first.
Anyway, uh, thanks for the invite, but I have company in here already.
As in romantic company? Why do you care? I just don't know what I'm gonna tell your mother! She got to you, didn't she? You've been compromised.
Srini betrayed me! Open that door.
No way! No one can ever know about this shameful night.
[Alarm rings.]
Is that a fire alarm? I hear a fire alarm.
Mom, relax.
This is college.
Kids pull alarms every two seconds.
No, you're right.
You're right.
I'll just hang here and keep a low profile and I smell smoke! Move! Follow the sound of my hand siren to safety! Oh, dear.
Oh, my.
Mom was right.
Hot plates and dumb college students do not mix.
Please refer to the pamphlet on fire evacuation I provided earlier Or just run for your lives! (Music playing) Make a hole, people! Make a hole! Make a hole! Erica Dorothy Goldberg, you come find your mama! College is fun.
While my sister's freshman year went up in flames, I had to bring Barry's cool new girlfriend to life, or at least make it seem like that.
Show-time.
Let's get weird.
What are my responsibilities here, again? I needed bras, and you're the only guy I knew who could get them.
Time to hack into NASA.
And hack in to NASA we did.
All we needed was my trusty modem, a little luck, and my girlfriend on the other end pretending to be the most powerful space agency in the world.
It's working! We're making a lady! With Barry on board, it was time for the next phase Figure out his taste.
As you can see, NASA needs to know exactly what your dream-girl looks like.
Again, this is just between me, you, the American space program, and no one else.
That makes me feel safer about opening up to you.
- Sure.
- Tell NASA she has to have Heather Locklear's eyes, Julia Roberts' smile, Delta Burke's top stuff, Bo Derek's hair, but most important, Chuck Norris' sense of justice.
- Oy, vey.
- Time to make that button and make that closet explode with lightning and hot ladies.
But, naturally, Barry's dream woman didn't exist, so I had to get him back on track.
Odd.
It's not working.
What the hell, man? You promised me a lady.
I already spent a fortune on candles and erotic oils! I think the computer just needs more data, for example, grounded, realistic qualities you could find in women you'd see in everyday life or at our school.
Give me that typer! I'll punch in all the lady data it can handle.
(Music Playing) This list is ridiculous.
How am I supposed to find a girl who likes "sensual karate" and "can kick a 50-yard field goal"? Good news is he's looking for a very specific kind of gal.
"Ability to communicate with dolphins and a savage tan"? Adam, this list is insane.
Look, this began with me worrying about my physical safety, but now I think Barry really needs this.
Okay, sure.
I'll try to find someone with Morgan Fairchild's side-butt.
I don't even know what that is.
I believe in you.
While I put my faith in Jackie, my sister was losing faith that my mom would ever leave.
So, I guess it doesn't matter if I go on record and say, "I'm sorry.
" No.
I allotted you a very fair three hours to say goodbye.
Instead, I'm forever known as the girl who had her mommy sleep in her dorm on the first night of school.
Honey, this is college.
There's no judgment here.
[Laughs.]
You let your mom sleep over on the first night? Oh, that is very memorable.
[Chuckles.]
In a negative way.
[Laughter.]
That's it.
You are leaving right now, and never coming back.
The sun's up, so there are no excuses.
I might have out-stayed my welcome, but that's because saying goodbye is so hard.
No! I'm supposed to be making life-long friends, and you took it away from me because you refuse to say goodbye.
Fine.
I'll go.
Right after brunch, and then we'll spend a few hours at the Smithsonian, and then to top it all off, you have to give mama all the kisses.
You can forget about getting all the kisses.
- Not even butterfly? - No! Surely, Eskimo kisses are still on the table.
You will never again experience the warm nose-love of our chilly, Native friends.
That is literally the worst thing a daughter has ever said to a mother.
[Groans.]
As Erica swore off coming home forever, I swore Jackie and I had found the perfect girl for Barry's senior year.
Barry! Great news.
I have a girl for you.
Yes! I knew science was real.
I don't think that was up for debate.
I meant Jackie found someone.
You gave her my lady recipe? That was for NASA's eyes only! I know.
But she found someone who's got everything you asked for.
Right? Um, I didn't hit everything on your list, but at the top, you asked for a girl, and I got that part.
That's not nothing, mister.
I got goosebumps! Let's stop talking and bring out our mystery girl.
Hey! [Giggles.]
Carla? Are you insane? She's a loose cannon, and not the good kind like a vigilante cop who endlessly frustrates his commissioner.
It's true.
The court-appointed psychiatrist gave up on me.
I didn't even know you liked me.
I don't.
But he dated Lainey, and she's my rival, so I'm taking what's hers.
Give me her address so I can send her photos of us in love.
No.
I don't want this aggressive loony toon as my special lady.
- Well, that's all we got.
- Thanks, Adam.
You've officially made a mockery of our plan to have a computer print out a girl for me.
Oh, my God, dude! "Weird Science" isn't real! There will never be a year of awesome or girls fighting over you in a Thunderdome, and you're not gonna live with Cathy Ireland! All you are is Barry! Believe me.
I know.
And I know that movie's just a movie.
Then why did you I just wanted to believe things would be okay.
That That Lainey wasn't a fluke.
That someone would actually love me again.
- Barry - No.
You're right.
Looks like I'm back to being me.
Thanks to me, Barry had hit rock bottom, so it was time for me to get him back on top.
What's this? I've revised your daily ass-kicking schedule for your year of awesome.
Go away.
I don't need your pity.
Before you reject my offer, I think you'll agree that I've really jazzed up your options.
- No.
- Yes.
You get to pants me in public, and not just anywhere, at the first pep rally of the year.
In front of the entire school? That'd be the Holy Grail of younger-brother humiliation.
Indeed.
And I'm offering it to you wearing this.
Sweat pants? That's a loose garment ideal for pantsing.
But it gets better.
It really did.
I then presented Barry with the ultimate little-brother sacrifice, my drawstring.
The uncinched sweats will be loose beyond your wildest dreams.
Have you gone mad? To get you back to your rightful place on top, I would rip the drawstring from every loose-fitting pant I own.
Wow, you really are a good brother.
But None of this changes the fact that Lainey's gone and I'll never find anyone like her.
Listen, "Weird Science" might not be real, but you'll find your dream girl.
I know it in my heart.
- You think? - Of course.
Someone's gonna see what Lainey saw in you, what I see in you, and that's a legend.
Thanks.
I don't know whether to give you a hug or a butt hat.
Both sound very uncomfortable.
Let's start with this.
With that, I helped Barry realize that he could still have an epic senior year, even if it wasn't quite what he imagined.
Morning, or whatever.
Same clothes.
Fun night? From what I hear, not as fun as the night you had with your mommy? So, want to help me take down all this crap? That day, Erica finally got her new start by letting go of the past.
But sometimes that's not so easy.
That's a cute photo.
It was the first day of kindergarten.
I was so scared, and she stayed with me the whole day.
That's a good mom.
Damn it, why do I miss her? Seriously, something's wrong with me.
I mean, yeah, your folks are weird and intrusive, but they were here.
My parents were too busy to come.
And that's bad? I didn't think it was until I saw your mother cared enough to bring your home right here.
You're lucky.
And, thanks to Erica, Erica realized how fortunate she really was.
"Bad night vision"? Really? That is a real thing.
I hear my dad complaining about it all the time.
Hey.
[Gasps.]
My baby's back! Mom, I'm just here to say goodbye.
So, you don't hate me? Look, I know I've been pushing you away since we got here.
I guess it's just easier to do that than actually accept that this is it.
So, now what? And so, after everything, my mom got exactly what she wanted.
The idea that leaving for college was just as hard for my sister as it was for her.
And one last kiss in your palm for you to ball up and stick in your heart.
Just half a chance Make sure that one night you're here But next night, you're not As for Barry, well, he realized his senior year could be a little easier if he teamed up with me.
Here you go, little bro.
Tenderness Tenderness Tenderness It's kind of sweet how you look after your little brother.
Yeah? Um, yeah.
Thanks.
In the end, you'd be surprised what a little help from your loved ones can do for you.
No matter how far away you are, you can always keep a little piece of home close to your heart.
Tenderness Oh, hey, Jackie.
Are you staying for dinner? I'm making chicken-fried chicken Parm.
Thanks, but I should just get going.
- Eskimo kiss.
- Eskimo kiss.
- Butterfly kiss.
- Butterfly kiss.
- Cheek kiss.
- Cheek kiss.
And one last kiss in your palm so you can ball it up and stick it in your heart.
I, uh, taught her all the kisses.
You don't mind, do you? Oh.