The Grand Tour (2016) s05e01 Episode Script

1
- [slow music]
- [waves lapping]
[wind whipping]
[tense music]
Hello, and welcome to the top of Norway,
and specifically, the third
most northerly football pitch
in the entire world.
[dramatic music]
[wind whipping]
[Richard] How far north are we?
Really far. We're 127 miles north
of the Arctic Circle.
And we're further north
than anywhere in Iceland.
And this isn't just a football pitch
as in just a field.
This is quite proper, isn't it?
- [Jeremy] No, it is.
- [James] Who do they play?
The North Sea Oil Eleven,
The Oil Rig Eleven.
- I don't know. The Trawlermen Eleven.
- Probably whoever passes!
[James] There's no other villages.
- Anyway
- See you tomorrow.
- You go and get the ball.
- I'll go get the ball.
Because I'll explain to the ladies
and gentlemen why we're here.
You see, the thing is, we are here
[laughs] We are here because
[laughs] You nearly took my leg off!
Because throughout the 2000s,
the world of rallying produced some
of the most exciting four-wheel-drive,
four-door, family saloon cars
anyone had ever seen.
And what we want to know is,
which is the best?
[dramatic music]
[Richard] This is my choice.
[dramatic music]
- [door thuds]
- And before we've even begun,
here it is.
The Subaru Impreza is the best.
And that's that.
[dramatic music]
It just is.
- [upbeat music]
- [waves lapping]
[Richard] At this point, James arrived
with one of his favourite things,
a contrary opinion.
That is a fantastic car, Hammond.
The Subaru is superb.
It's not quite as fantastic
as what I've brought,
which is a Mitsubishi Evo.
Yes, and if you're on
an actual rally special stage
or a racetrack, the Evo is brilliant.
But the fact remains, to get home again,
you will take the Subaru
because it's just more suited
to the real world, somehow.
It's more calm.
- Calm?
- Yes.
Who wants a calm rally car?
This twat.
[dramatic music]
[Richard] At this point,
Jeremy demonstrated
that he hadn't been
listening to himself.
- [Jeremy] Hello!
- [door thuds]
Didn't you say that you had
to bring the best rally car?
It is. It's an Audi Quattro.
That's not an Audi Quattro.
- It is!
- Where does it say "Quattro" on that?
- It doesn't.
- Because it isn't one!
- There you go!
- [Jeremy] Listen,
it doesn't say "The Duke of Marlborough"
on the Duke of Marlborough.
But we know he is the
Duke of Marlborough
because his ancestor won a battle.
And that car's ancestor
won a battle. Twice.
- It won two battles.
- You've brought the wrong thing.
It's an RS 4.
- These are rally cars!
- It's an executive car!
Listen, I am older than you two
And old. And older.
- And with age has come wisdom.
- Weight.
- Greyness.
- [Jeremy and Richard laugh]
And weight.
Yeah, it is a bit heavy, I admit.
Is it? They are a heavy car! [laughs]
He said, dodging that one.
[Richard and James laugh]
- [message bell rings]
- Very good.
- Oh, sorry.
- What?
My phone is buzzing.
[sighs] Inevitable, go on.
There is no escape, is there?
There you go.
- Yes.
- [laughs] You knew. Yes?
Mr Wilman.
Right, hang on.
In order to find out which
of your cars is the best,
you will drive across what both the BBC
and The Guardian call
'Europe's last great wilderness'.
[Richard gasps]
You will drive all the way across Norway,
Sweden and Finland,
never once dropping
below the Arctic Circle,
and you must get to Ivalo Airport
near the Russian border
by 5:00 p.m. on Saturday
'cause that's when your
plane back to the UK leaves.
- So we've gotta
- How far is that?
Hold on. We've gotta get to
the finish line in six days.
What is it? Five, six hundred miles?
- Ooh, over a hundred.
- A hundred miles a day?
In the Subaru Impreza! Ah!
It doesn't sound very tricky this time.
I mean, if we were in convertibles
[laughs]
- or in four-wheel-drive
- Or roller skates.
Yes, four-wheel-drive saloons,
near enough.
This isn't a clearing-up shower, is it?
[group groans]
Should we get going?
- Yes.
- Yes.
[Jeremy] Holy cow.
[Richard and James groaning]
[smooth music]
[Richard] We set off, heading east
through the monochromatic
Lofoten Islands.
And at this point,
it's probably a good idea
to warn our non-petrolhead viewers
that you're about to land on Planet Nerd.
Now, I should explain that there have
been 212 different versions
of the Subaru Impreza over the years.
There'd be a new model every year,
and then there'd be a hot
new variant of that model,
and then there'd be
special limited editions
of the hot new variants
of the new model.
And every member of the very active
and committed Subaru community
has their own
very strong opinions
on which one is best.
I'm gonna say it's this one.
2003 WRX STi V-Limited edition and
[phone whistles]
that's the sound
of my Twitter inbox exploding
with all the Subaru owner
community people
telling me I'm wrong.
[engine revving]
[dramatic music]
I know exactly where
Hammond is coming from,
because over the years,
there have been ten iterations
of the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo.
And every one has been available
in various states of tune
and there have been various
accessories and extras
and so on and so on.
But I think peak Evo
arrived with this one.
The Evo VIII GSR.
- [engine revving]
- [phone notifications ringing]
And that is the sound of
everybody on every Evo forum
on the internet ringing up
to tell me I'm wrong.
This Subaru and James' Evo
have exactly 276 brake horsepower.
- [dramatic music]
- [engines revving]
And there was also a rule in
the World Rally Championship
which stated the engine
could have a maximum capacity
of two litres,
it could be turbo-charged.
So this has a four-cylinder,
two-litre, turbo-charged engine.
It's a thoroughbred, it's special.
It's rugged, it's purpose-built,
it was developed for rallying.
It's just the business.
[gentle music]
[Jeremy] I'll be the first to admit
that most fast Audis are a bit hopeless.
But just occasionally,
they come up with a gem.
[engine revving]
There was the original 20-valve
Quattro, the R8, obviously,
the TT RS, and this.
[engine revving]
The 2007 RS 4.
- [dramatic music]
- [engine revving]
The three best engines
ever made, in my book,
are the Lexus V10,
Alfa Romeo's V6, and this,
Audi's 4.2-litre naturally-aspirated
414-horsepower V8.
[engine revving]
[laughs] God, I love V8s.
[dramatic music]
James, how many
World Rally Championship wins
does your Evo have?
Oh, well, I'm glad you
asked me that, Hammond,
because actually I do know. It's 26.
That's impressive. That's a big number.
Here's a bigger number.
Mine has 46, which is many more.
Jeremy, how many
World Rally Championship wins
does your Audi have?
Er
Let me think. It's none.
Yes, none. None at all.
[Richard on radio] What you have done
by turning up at this challenge
in your Audi not-a-Quattro
is exactly the same
as you turning up at your farm
with a Lamborghini Aventador.
Yes, Lamborghini made a tractor,
but that isn't one.
You could take a massive piss
in a Royal Doulton tea cup.
Yes, they did make urinals,
but that isn't one.
It's a damn sight faster than your cars.
Well, it's not.
This is the fastest car
in all environments.
Well, we don't know about rallies
because it hasn't been in one.
[laughs]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Can I just say,
it's not the most wildernessy place
I've ever been to.
I mean, some of the scenery's
pretty spectacular,
but roads, Armcos, telegraph poles.
There's a great many
non-wildernessy things around
for a wilderness, yes.
[Jeremy] Not for the first time,
I'm baffled by the views
of the BBC and The Guardian.
Convinced, however, that we
soon would enter the wilderness,
we pulled up at a car accessories shop
to stock up on important supplies.
[Richard] I'd like to buy
a windscreen wiper
for a Subaru Impreza WRX
STi V-Limited edition.
[Jeremy] Well, I'm gonna see if I can
buy some SD cards to play music.
Shit!
[Richard] Oh! Good God!
There's absolutely no grip!
Right.
- Holy crap!
- [Jeremy laughs]
[Richard] You don't
need to move your legs!
[Jeremy] I thought in the wilderness
- [director moans]
- [Jeremy] Oh. Director down.
- [James] Director down.
- [director] Wow.
We'd run over and help you,
but we can't.
- You all right?
- Oh, yes. Sorry, carry on.
[Jeremy] Slowly and with dignity,
we all worked our way to the entrance.
[Jeremy grunts]
[beep] hell.
[Richard grunts]
No, that hasn't worked at all.
Oh, God, - No, that's not worked.
[Jeremy] Where, mercifully,
we found some friction.
This, I quite enjoy going across.
Look at this.
[Richard]
This is a wilderness, isn't it?
- [Jeremy] This is a
- [Richard] It's about survival now.
[Jeremy laughs] I can see what the BBC
- and The Guardian meant.
- [Richard] Well, yeah.
[Jeremy] What do you need? Subaru?
- [Richard] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Well, what sort is it?
Impreza, which one?
- Outback, Impreza
- [Richard] WRX.
It's a 2003 WRX STi V-Limited edition,
one of 555 made in Japan
to celebrate the
2003 Drivers Championship victory.
Yeah, all right.
- In the World Rally Championship.
- Yes. Is it a G12, G22, G13, G23?
I don't know.
- You don't know?
- Well, I
- [Jeremy] WRX. Here it is.
- [Richard] Yes?
[Jeremy] Got it. V10. Right, SD cards.
Erm, how do you say [coughs]
'SD card' in Norwegian?
[Richard] Erm 'I'm a twat'.
Hello.
SD card.
SD card?
Have you got them?
Because my car is quite old.
Jeremy?
- [Jeremy] What is it?
- Snow grip.
[Jeremy] Well, it's all in Norwegian.
[Richard] Well, I mean,
it doesn't come out in Norwegian.
Well, but we don't know what it does.
Well, it's, I dunno.
Let's think, snow grip.
Yes, I think you spray it on your tyres.
It makes tarmac really slippery.
- Yeah, well spray it on your feet.
- [Jeremy] It's turtle wax.
Why would you put
turtle wax on something?
No, it's made by them.
- Spray it on your feet!
- Spray it on your feet.
- Like that. [imitates spraying]
- The bottoms of your shoes.
- [Richard] Yeah.
- [shop worker] These two?
[Jeremy] Purchases made,
we headed back to the cars.
- [card machine beeps]
- [can spraying]
[Richard] Yeah.
[Jeremy] With me using my inbuilt warm
fluid dispensing system to melt a path.
Shuffle forwards.
Genius.
[gentle music]
[Jeremy] Back on the road,
the black-and-white scenery
became even more spectacular.
Holy shit. Look at that.
[inspiring music]
But there was one blot in it.
Have you noticed this red Volvo
that's been following us
since we left the football pitch?
I see, yes, I saw it then
as we came down there.
Is that definitely the same Volvo?
[Jeremy] With the four rectangular
rally lights on the front of it?
Yeah, it's the same one.
[groans]
Soon, we were getting low on fuel.
How shall we buy petrol
in the wilderness?
Perhaps we shall have to make some
out of tree bark and shale.
Oh, no, it's all right.
Look, there's a petrol station.
[tense music]
And, while we were loading
up with fuel and snacks,
I noticed something.
- James?
- Yes?
[Jeremy] Now, we have made
some left and right turns.
- [James] Yes.
- [Jeremy] And that,
you know what I'm thinking?
Yes.
- Mr Wilman? Yes.
- Mr Wilman has provided us
with a backup car because
he assumes that after
How long have we not been filming?
Three years?
We'll have forgotten how to drive.
And we'll crash into a tree,
which Hammond probably will.
Hammond, we've worked something out.
Look.
- [Jeremy] That's gotta be a backup car.
- [James] It's a backup car.
It's a Volvo three, four,
five, it's the five-door.
My sister had one,
and I'm going to have to say,
it's possibly the worst car
made by Western Europe.
And it's been with us the whole time.
- Yes.
- It is then, yep. It is.
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] As we headed further north,
the weather finally
turned wilderness-ish.
Yeah, snowing.
Snowing. That's what it's doing.
Which put the kibosh on me
demonstrating the superior speed
of my Quattro.
Yeah, we probably can't do
a nought-to-sixty run here.
Can we? 'Cause it's a bit squirrelly.
This is infuriating, actually,
'cause I genuinely do need
to put you two in your place.
I've had a lot of abuse,
I've taken it well, I think,
but now I just need to quietly
and silently put you in your boxes.
Good luck with that.
[steady music]
[Jeremy] Happily, however, after a few,
let's be honest, wrong turns,
we ended up here.
Ooh.
What have we come to?
[Richard] This is interesting.
That's rock.
- [Jeremy] It's a proper tunnel look.
- [Richard] It's been concreted over.
[James] It's like a grotto.
[Jeremy]
That's spray concrete, isn't it?
- Just onto the
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
Ooh.
So, do these lights now come on
like you see in those horror films?
- You're just [laughs]
- Ooh.
[Jeremy] Ha. You know what I'm thinking?
- Er, this?
- Well, it's dry. It's not skiddy.
- It's straight.
- And it's straight.
So, do you want,
are you proposing timed run
or who can achieve the highest speed?
[Jeremy] Well, it would have to be
the highest speed, wouldn't it?
What if
- [group] Whoa.
- [Richard] Is that the end?
[Jeremy] Jesus. This is astonishing.
Somebody's got a sense of drama here.
[Richard] Wow, this is,
you do, it is quite important,
I would say, for comfort's sake,
you stop before this.
No, you'll be fine, though,
'cause there's a gravel trap
to stop you before you hit it.
[Richard and Jeremy laughing]
So we're doing this individually,
'cause you can't do it at the same time.
- What? Oh, no.
- Obviously.
So, we do it one at a time.
[James] How would you actually
record what speed you've done?
We put a GoPro camera on the dash.
- [James] Yes.
- And then that will reveal the speed.
Somebody else goes
in the car with you to verify
- how fast you're seeing.
- No, we're not going
- in a car with you.
- We're not getting in a car with you
- driving towards a wall.
- We're not!
[James] We know you
don't know when to stop.
- Yes, it's gotta be GoPros.
- Right. So I'll go first.
- Yes.
- Actually, you better go second,
'cause it'll be difficult
driving over the rubble
after he's done it.
- [slow music]
- [lights clicking]
[Jeremy]
With all the lights extinguished,
I lined up at the
entrance of the tunnel.
[Richard] Are you feeling brave?
[Jeremy] I mean, I'm looking
That's a scary thing.
You can't even see where
the wall is at the end.
You will when you get there.
- [Richard laughs]
- That's the trouble.
Moments before you arrive, those
As the car spins down the tunnel,
it'll get shorter
as you knock each end off.
- Mm-hmm.
- Until there's just your cabin going
Right. I think he's doing it.
- [dramatic music]
- [engine revving]
Come on, Jeremy. Be brave.
- [tyres crunching]
- [engine revving]
Oh, there's wheel-spin there.
No, I'm not getting any grip.
Oh, my God, the lights
aren't coming on. Oh!
[engine revving]
Oh, sh
Jesus Christ Al-bloody-mighty!
[tyres screeching]
[exhales]
Bloody hell.
How was it?
You're not going to enjoy it.
While I parked my car in a side tunnel
James took his place at the start.
[Richard] Okay, you ready?
- Yes.
- Right.
- Can I just go?
- James May is ready
and will be setting off very shortly.
Brace. Brace. Brace.
Right. I've got the deck chair out
and a good book.
[engine revving]
In your own time, begin.
[engine revving]
That was a brisk start for a James May.
[engine revving]
[tyres screeching]
[car crashing]
[Jeremy] Big one. Big one. Big one.
[crew member] Let's get the medics.
All right, are you okay to stand up?
Okay, hello.
Come with me.
I'm gonna get an ambulance in,
and we're gonna check you out, okay?
[Richard] Oh.
Where is he?
I saw his head clobber
the side of the B pillar.
I mean, he went flying.
You know, that was, he went
in sideways into this wall.
[medic] The other ambulance is here,
so they're gonna
take you in so we can
[James gasps]
[James] It hurts on the back of my back.
[medic] Like where?
Down the centre or middle?
[James] Yeah, um
Yeah, exactly where your hand is.
[Jeremy] How are you feeling?
[James] A bit shit.
Erm, the car's [bleep], isn't it?
[Richard] It's not It's not well.
[Jeremy] You won't drive it out of here.
[James] Okay.
I'm in the Volvo.
- [Richard] So nothing's broken?
- [James] Doesn't seem to be.
Head's not hurt?
No, my neck hurts. I got a big
- [Richard] Whiplash?
- [James] Mm.
[Richard] Well, well done for not dying.
[siren blaring]
[Jeremy] After James
was carted off to hospital,
there was only one thing we could do.
Stand by. Here I come.
[engine revving]
I'm putting it in gear. Right.
Here he comes. Here he comes.
[brakes squealing]
[Richard] Braking, braking. Yeah.
Yeah!
There has been
a disturbance in the force.
You've arrived on all four wheels
- with your trousers still on.
- I know.
Yeah, they haven't had to cut them off.
He's in a hospital.
[chiming music]
With Hammond's run done,
it was time to reveal the results.
Right, I've got mine here.
I'm going about 78 there.
Yeah, just off the 80 mark.
[Jeremy] Just shy of 80, which I think
- is pretty good.
- It's not bad.
But I'm going to surprise you now.
James May's.
[Richard] It's exactly the bloody same.
- [Jeremy] I know.
- [Richard] That's uncanny.
[Jeremy] It is uncanny.
- Actually
- And he's driving a car
which we know is massively slower
than mine, - Yeah.
Which means he did what you usually do
and accelerated for far too long.
He's stolen my thing.
Actually, this is difficult because
you can't put him down as a DNF
- 'cause he did finish.
- Oh, he finished.
It's there.
But I think he,
we'll have to say he lost,
because I finished
and can drive home in my car.
But let's, but first of all, come on, you.
We're both 78.
And that's 32.
- [Richard] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] And that's KPH.
A bit, yeah.
I saw what James did,
and I just thought, 'No, this time'.
Well, I think that
was a good experiment.
- Well done us.
- It's not quite what I had in mind.
[laughs] No, it's
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] With our important work done,
we could have gone to see
James in the hospital,
but we decided it would
be more interesting
to explore these spooky tunnels.
[Richard] What the hell?
Ooh. A cavern.
There's one down there!
[Richard] Wait a minute.
Holy cow.
It's a Cold War submarine base.
No, it's not. It is, it's a sub base.
And it's full of
Marine, with gun, Marine.
What, where, what are they doing?
They're Special Forces.
[dramatic music]
Right. These are landing craft.
He doesn't look very happy.
I think we're in the way.
I'm very sorry!
Oh, what's round here?
Hammond, we may have
driven into an office.
[Richard] What?
[brakes squealing]
[Jeremy] The Special Forces
are looking at us.
Can I just ask, are you Norwegian?
- Sorry?
- Are you Norwegian?
[soldier] I'm not Norwegian, no, no.
Where are you from?
- [soldier] The Netherlands.
- You're Dutch?
[soldier] Dutch. All Dutch.
Dutch? Everyone's Dutch?
- Everyone is Dutch.
- Of course.
Sit rep, the Dutch
and the Norwegians are at war.
The day's just got weirder.
- [bumper thumping]
- Oh, heavens!
[soldier] Hello?
[Richard] Jeremy, you're pulling
a top-secret submarine's
hosepipe with you.
Ah.
[soldier speaking indistinctly]
[Richard] Yeah. Sorry.
- They're Dutch.
- What?
They're Dutch.
[engines humming]
[Richard laughs]
What's staggering me
is not one of them has said,
- 'What on earth
- 'What are you doing here?'
are you doing here?'
My apologies.
Sorry. Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Good luck. Carry on.
[Jeremy] I don't know
who's side we're on.
When we come out, are we on the
Norwegian side or the Dutch side?
[Richard] I'm gonna bear the flag
of whoever's holding the gun.
[Jeremy laughs]
[gentle music]
[Richard] The next morning,
James was still in hospital.
So Jeremy and I got back on the road,
our thoughts very much on
the tragic events of the day before.
It's funny how these things
affect you afterwards.
I mean, that was traumatic,
running down that tunnel
and seeing at the end of it
that fabulous car wounded.
[gentle music]
[Jeremy] I'm just thinking, Hammond.
You know, you've crashed countless cars
over the years
and it doesn't really matter
'cause they're just
metal and plastic and glass,
but the Evo's more than that, isn't it?
Yeah, it's not a car that you crash
or ding in the usual way.
It's a car that gets injured
'cause there's so much passion
wrapped up in it from a lot of people.
And what's worse for me is
I've lost my playmate.
Er
Yeah, I've lost my car's
natural sparring partner,
the one car that could
keep up with it, live with it.
I'm in an Audi Quattro!
It's not an Audi Quattro.
It's not a rally car!
[Jeremy] Stunned by Hammond's criticism,
I made a proposal.
What if I could find
a rudimentary wilderness workshop
and turn it into a rally car?
All right, well, if you
can find one and do that,
I'll do the one thing
I can do to improve my car
and give it more power, then we're on.
So if I yobbify my car
and you up the power of yours,
then they become natural rivals.
[Richard] Then we are talking.
Right. Set sat nav.
[dramatic music]
With our modding plan agreed on,
we hunkered down and headed
for the Swedish border.
[dramatic music]
[James] Socket or spanner?
- Socket.
- This one?
[James] Back where we'd
stayed the night,
I was now out of hospital,
nursing a broken rib
and trying to save the really
badly wounded patient.
Starting from the front,
underneath there,
the radiator is broken and is leaking.
The oil cooler is mangled.
This is the intercooler pipe.
As you can see, the air flow
through that is not going to be
as the manufacturer intended.
This brake calliper actually
cracked in the impact
and now leaks.
This is the drive shaft, which is
Ah, God. [groans]
That is very broken.
Body work is mangled.
This wheel is in the wrong position.
It's not pointing the right way.
The exhaust, it's all now
several inches further that way.
This car is extremely badly wounded,
but it isn't dead.
Let's hope
Ow. I shouldn't have done that.
we can push it back into shape.
[slow music]
[Jeremy] Many miles ahead,
we were in yet another
winter wonderland.
That is pretty impressive.
[slow music]
But there were issues,
chief among which was
the Quattro's satellite
navigation system.
[automated voice]
You are not on a digitized road.
Oh, I am. I am on a digitized road.
Don't be stupid.
[automated voice] Unable to
provide recommended route from here.
You are not on a digitized road.
[Jeremy] Yeah, my sat nav
is saying I'm six kilometres
into the wood on our left.
Well, we're in the wilderness,
'Europe's great last wilderness'.
[chiming music]
[Jeremy]
I suspected that, this far north,
sat nav struggled to see any satellites.
But there was no time to check that out
because of another problem.
[dramatic music]
[groans] Terror.
The speed of the oncoming snowploughs.
No. Oh, no.
- Oh.
- [wind whipping]
That is doing 170.
They are properly committed,
aren't they? Here he comes.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
It's Kimi Raikkonen's winter job.
Eventually, though, we managed
to find the Swedish border,
cross it, and reach the town
I'd been aiming for.
This is the town, Hammond.
This is the town.
There will be a workshop here.
I'd say there's a good chance
there will be.
They'll have snow machines
and ploughs and things
that need mending all the time.
[Richard] Sure enough,
we found a friendly local
who lent us his workshop.
And, after buying some parts
at a wilderness accessories store
Tape
We both got down to work.
Me with some engine-mapping software,
and Jeremy not.
[tools clattering]
[saw whirring]
[tools clattering]
[Jeremy]
How's your mapping coming along?
I'm done. I'm onto physical stuff now.
I'm not doing a lot.
You can really change
the map that quickly?
[Richard] Yeah.
[Jeremy] So you've just entirely
changed this car's brain?
[Richard] The main thing is
we're in the Arctic now.
The air is cold and dense,
much colder and denser
than where this is set up for.
So that means
it's got more oxygen in it.
- So there's more
- The air has?
Yes, the cold air is heavier, denser,
sits there with more oxygen in it.
So that's what you need to mix
with the petrol vapor
to make lovely, big, rich,
juicy explosions in there.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah. Right.
- I'm going to
- James is going
to be horrified when he gets here
to discover that my jack
Where's my jack gone?
Nowhere.
Look at that.
- [Jeremy laughs]
- Moth.
[James] Meanwhile, back in Norway,
progress in my workshop wasn't so good.
[groans]
That bit should be there.
That should be rectangular.
[sighs]
Wow.
Okay, what next?
[tools clanging]
[slow music]
[Jeremy] The next morning,
there was still no sign of James.
But Hammond and I had
had a productive night.
[engine revving]
The yobbification program is complete.
We have the Audi rallying livery.
We have the full Pink Floyd lighting rig.
And there's no denying
that it's a Quattro now
because look, it says
'Quattro' everywhere on it.
[Richard] Where are my keys?
I put them in that bath tub,
so you won't lose them. There.
Oh. Oh, brilliant.
Utter, utter
Has it frozen?
Yes, Jeremy, the bath
full of water has frozen
with my keys in.
I tried to stop it freezing
by weeing in it.
Yeah, that would explain the yellow ice.
You're sick in the head.
But it's funny, it's very funny.
- Well done, really.
- It is? Cause there they are.
- [Richard] Yeah, there they are.
- [Jeremy] It's extra, I didn't
And yet they're not.
It's just, it was cold
last night, wasn't it?
- [Richard] Wasn't it just?
- [Jeremy] Isn't it?
[engine revving]
[chiming music]
[Richard]
Having eventually freed my key,
I was able to savour
the fruits of my labours.
[engine revving]
[Richard laughs]
[dramatic music]
Right, my laptop wizardry
has taken the power up
to 356 horsepower.
[engine revving]
I've upgraded the exhaust,
as you can hear.
[engine revving]
Induction air filter kit.
Launch control. Anti-lag on the turbo.
And the best livery of all
[engine revving]
This isn't just the best car here,
this is now the best car ever.
[engine revving]
I am like a dog with two dicks
and a super yacht.
[engine revving]
[Jeremy] Meanwhile, a few miles away,
I'd come across
something rather special.
A frozen lake with
a race track carved onto it.
[dramatic music]
And it was completely deserted.
Until it suddenly wasn't anymore.
[engine revving]
Yeah, looks like Hammond
has got his keys back.
- [engine revving]
- [dramatic music]
[engines revving]
Oh, my word. Come on!
What a machine!
Obviously, I haven't touched the engine.
There was no need.
It's already a masterpiece.
But I have fitted a
magnificent new exhaust system.
[engine revving]
Listen to that V8 now!
Oh, it's howling.
- [engine revving]
- [dramatic music]
[Richard gasping]
[Richard laughing]
I could crash when I like.
This is my idea of heaven!
[Jeremy] Opposite lock.
Scandi-flick it in.
Holding it
[Jeremy laughing]
This just flatters the incompetent.
I am now fully Swedish.
[engine revving]
[Richard] Getting close. [laughing]
[Jeremy] Right. Hammond, you think
you wanna come past, do you?
Now I'm going to unleash
my secret weapon.
[engine revving]
Ready?
[Richard] Come on, Clarkson.
- [fire blasting]
- [dramatic music]
What the hell?
- [Jeremy laughing]
- [Richard] Whoa.
[Jeremy] You weren't ready for that!
Businessman's car, my ass.
It's my new handmade exhaust system.
And it's designed to
prevent you from overtaking.
[Richard] We're on a frozen lake.
If you melt it, it's just a lake.
Whoa!
[Jeremy] Once I'd finished
barbecuing my colleague,
we pulled over to inspect
the damage he'd done
when he'd headbutted a snow bank.
I've lost half the front of it!
[Jeremy] It looks now like
it's been in a pub brawl.
- Anyway
- More work to be done.
[Jeremy] Hammond then went off
to find the tools he'd need
to mend his car and while he was gone,
I modified one of his modifications.
Anytime, anyplace, anywhere ♪
There's a wonderful drink
you can share ♪
It's Martin ♪
Before Hammond noticed my handiwork,
we received news that
Captain Slow was about to arrive.
And this caused us to wonder, in what?
I'm strangely conflicted
because I desperately want him
to be in the Volvo
and I desperately want him
to be in the Evo.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I want him to be in the Volvo
because he deserves
- to be in the Volvo.
- Yeah.
- Just for hurting the Evo.
- Yeah.
[triumphant music]
- No way.
- [Richard] Oh, wow.
No way.
[Richard laughs]
I am elated!
Hello.
[Jeremy] We are pleased
and angry simultaneously.
[James groaning]
[Jeremy] It's not pretty.
[Richard] No.
It's like Frankenstein's Evo.
- [Jeremy] And it lives as well.
- [door thudding]
What was broken on it?
Well, the intercooler,
radiator, oil cooler,
wheel wishbone,
top wishbone, drive shaft,
chassis rail, door,
exhaust, engine out of alignment.
- You really did hurt.
- [Richard] It's worse than that.
Half the people in the world hate you
- because you destroyed an Evo.
- Mm-hmm.
And people, it divides into
people who like Subarus
and like Evos.
But the other half
of the world also hates you
because you took away
the Subaru's competitor.
- So, everybody hates you.
- Erm, It's still here.
- Yes.
- But you have missed a lot of testing.
We've established that the Audi
is faster than the Subaru, in the tunnel.
And we've established
that it's much more fun
- on a frozen lake and faster.
- Well, no.
- We haven't established that.
- We have.
- [Richard] Well, we haven't.
- We have.
- We haven't.
- Other things you need to know, James.
- Yes?
- Norway is at war with Holland.
- [Richard] Oh, God, yeah. Watch out.
- Is it?
[Richard] Real surprise.
So, where are your cars?
[Richard] Well
- [Jeremy clears throat]
- [Richard clears throat]
Oh, that's actually it?
- Yes!
- Oh, yeah. We've been busy.
- Good on you.
- We've done.
I'm telling you, we have
been really hard at work.
We've done important testing and this.
[James] Anyway, what are we doing next?
[slow music]
[Jeremy] Mr Wilman gave us
the answer to that.
We were going to see which
of our cars was the best
at skijoring, a sport in which
you race round a frozen lake
while towing a skier.
Mad? [laughs] You don't
even know the half of it.
One of them has only got one leg.
What?
But did he lose
the other one doing this?
[Jeremy] Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Hello.
- Good afternoon.
Hi. Good afternoon.
[Jeremy] There then followed a typically
verbose Scandinavian conversation.
Do you do it here because there aren't
very many mountains to ski on?
Yeah.
How do you win?
The fastest wins.
[Jeremy] Soon, though,
the chat started to flow.
You see that snow that,
what's that snowmobile towing?
[Richard] It's taking
a shed out for a drive.
[skier] For fishing.
- [James] What?
- [skier] For fishing, ice fishing.
[James] Oh, it's like a fishing hut.
- [skier] Ice-fishing hut.
- [Richard] Oh, is it on skis?
[skier] Yes.
- [James] So it's a caravan?
- [Jeremy] So, that's like a caravan.
- It's a caravan.
- Yeah, but on skis!
[laughs] That's quite good.
[Jeremy] Distraction over,
we got back to the job in hand.
How fast do normally go?
- [James] What?
- [Richard] What?
- 120.
- I wouldn't do that without a skier.
- That's kilometres an hour, yes?
- Kilometres per hour, yeah.
- But it's still
- That's still 70.
Yes, I wouldn't
- 70 miles an hour?
- Yeah.
Closer to 80.
- What?
- Yeah.
But what? We've never done this.
Yeah, so we won't go that fast,
but you can still enjoy it.
- That's sort of up to us, really.
- That's the problem, it's up to us!
[skier laughs]
We have done a little bit
of driving around this track.
Well, I haven't.
And when you're following the other one,
he doesn't know what he's
gonna do in the corner,
how he's gonna do it,
is he gonna turn early
Well, I don't know what
the car's going to do.
Yeah, but your cars are intact.
- I mean, not
- My Evo.
- No, his isn't, yeah.
- But your cars.
Yeah, he just looked at
the middle pedal and thought,
'No, I don't need that'.
[Jeremy] Still not convinced
this was a good idea,
we lined up for the start.
[dramatic music]
It's the second stupid thing
we've done on this trip.
How cold do you think
it's going to be on skis
at 80 miles an hour?
Unimaginably cold.
Will there be a dribble
of warmth from my exhaust
to keep him warm, do you think?
Yes, but you don't want
to cross the finish line
with some bacon on the end of a string.
[dramatic music]
[engines revving]
Here we go.
- [engines revving]
- [dramatic music]
There's a man in the rear-view mirror
and he's keeping up with me.
That's alarming.
- [dramatic music]
- [engine revving]
Where does it go?
[Jeremy] I'm cutting off Hammond.
[engine revving]
Oh, I've bollocks'ed that.
- Oh, sorry.
- [engine revving]
65 miles per hour, and he's still there.
- [skis scraping]
- [dramatic music]
This is terrifying. I'd rather
drive in that tunnel again.
- [dramatic music]
- [engine revving]
And that's 80 miles an hour
we've just achieved.
I want to catch Jeremy
more than anything else
in the world, but I don't wanna
kill someone else doing it.
[engine revving]
Hammond's gaining, he is gaining.
He wants me to go faster.
He's bloody nuts.
[dramatic music]
I went wide!
- No!
- [engine revving]
No!
[laughs] I have the lead!
- [dramatic music]
- [engine revving]
[James] That was a mistake.
[skis scraping]
[skier grunting]
[James] Shit, I've lost him.
- Right, last lap.
- [engine revving]
Through the chicaney bit.
[engine revving]
Come on!
Mapping's good,
but it doesn't beat cubes.
And I have a lot of cubes.
[engine revving]
[laughs] Come on!
The power of the V8 is mighty!
[Jeremy laughs]
Yes!
[laughs] I got him back!
Did he, oh, I forget to check.
He's still there.
[Jeremy laughing]
[engine humming]
Where is he?
Oh, thank God.
[Jeremy] Having bid a fond farewell
to these foolish men
- Well, thank you.
- Guys, yeah.
- [James] Yes, really.
- It was a pleasure.
- Thank you very much.
- [Jeremy] Thank you. Thank you.
It was a terrifying experience.
I don't know what the Swedish
for 'thank you' is,
- but thank you.
- A great spectacle and incredibly brave.
- [dramatic music]
- [Jeremy] We continued on our way.
[steady music]
And an hour later,
something dawned on me.
This is the first time since we set off
that I've genuinely felt
like I'm in a wilderness.
I mean, there's just
no evidence anywhere
of man's existence.
There's no town. There's no village.
There's no hotel?
Chaps, I'm loving the wilderness, but
where are we going to spend the night?
[Richard] I've been thinking the same.
It's very nice to feel
we're finally out there,
but there's no hotels.
It is getting quite dark as well.
Yeah. Well, why don't you
turn your light on?
I say 'light'.
[James] I have got my light on.
[Jeremy] Would you like to
see my lights, James?
[James] Well, I'm gonna say no,
but, yes, there you go, well done.
[laughs]
[Jeremy] We drove for hours
and there was still no sign of life.
[slow music]
[Jeremy] It's minus six-and-a-half degrees
out there.
[James] Seriously,
what are we going to do?
[slow music]
Come on.
[Jeremy] Eventually, though,
as we approached a wood,
we saw in my headlights
the outline of a building.
- [Jeremy] I wonder what it is?
- [Richard] I don't know.
- [footsteps crunching]
- This is like a survival hut.
This is left so that,
if you're stuck in the wilderness,
you come in and help yourself.
It's got all the basics.
[Jeremy] So this is like a Sami hut?
[James] A pile of wood.
[Jeremy] Meat!
[Richard] Well, it'll all
be frozen, wouldn't it?
Yeah, the meat'll be fine.
We can light a fire.
Yeah, we need to get the fire lit.
[fire crackling]
- [pan clanging]
- [James groaning]
[Jeremy] Are you still
going on about your ribs?
[Richard] Hello! Look at this.
- Oh, bollocks.
- You massive tit.
- What, did he dropped it?
- [meat sizzling]
[James] Yeah, but it doesn't matter.
Yeah! Meaty treat!
Oh, bloody hell, that's fabulous.
- Isn't it?
- Yeah. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
[Richard] We've had a little adventure
out in the wilderness.
[Jeremy] It's true, we are
living a wilderness lifestyle.
But we could be eating Rudolph.
And who are the other ones?
Donner and Blitz,
who were the other reindeers?
Flatulence, Ball Bag and Stingray.
Steve. Robert.
- [Jeremy] Rudolph.
- [Richard] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Donner and Kebab.
- [James] Alimony.
[Jeremy laughs]
There wasn't one called Alimony!
[James] Bob.
[slow music]
[birds chirping]
[door squeaking]
- [panting]
- [door thudding]
[sighs]
- [crowd chattering]
- [birds chirping]
[Jeremy] Guys?
[crowd chattering]
[Richard] What the hell is that?
This turf hut is
the central part of the camp.
One of these was all, it's a,
we've slept in a museum exhibit.
There's a gift shop.
[Jeremy] Jesus.
They've got little
[Richard] There's a petting
They're petting reindeers.
[James] Now, wait, they don't know
- [Jeremy] No, they think
- that we've been in there all night.
I haven't got any trousers on.
Might I suggest you go
and put some trousers on.
- Yeah.
- We can pack up.
'Cause what I'm going to do
is sidle back to the cars.
[James] Oh, I enjoyed
looking at the hut.
- Yeah.
- Did you?
- That was interesting, I think, Hammond.
- [Richard] Yeah, a really good look.
Well worth 10 or 15 minutes
of your time, isn't it?
Again, we thought we
were in the wilderness.
[crowd chattering]
[Jeremy] Hammond!
Oh, I can only imagine
it's some sort of freak weather event,
like a shaft of cold that
I mean, it could have hit any of us.
But it's hit you.
Now, if you get hit
by one of those blasts of ice
- round these parts, it's a lucky
- You did this!
- Well
- Because I put your keys
in ice, you put my entire car
How did you do that?
[Richard] Slowly and whilst grinning.
Sorry. [laughs]
It's pretty, though, isn't it? Look!
[Jeremy] It's undrivable, is what it is.
- [Richard] For now.
- [James] It's an incredible effect.
[Richard] But by June
You are gonna help me
get the ice off that car.
I am. And also, I'm not.
[engine revving]
[dramatic music]
[Richard] What do you think
Jeremy will do
to solve the little conundrum
I may have given him?
How long will it be,
do you think, before he says,
'Right, I'll set fire to it'?
Half a minute?
[flame whooshing]
Yes! This is good.
- Morning.
- [flame whooshing]
This is gonna take forever.
[gasoline trickling]
[flame whooshing]
[blows]
I've overdone it.
Well, he could just talk about it a lot
'cause all that hot air
would eventually melt the ice
on the car, wouldn't it?
[Richard laughs]
Traditional Sami fire extinguisher.
[fire extinguisher blasting]
[steady music]
[James] Hammond and I
headed further east
through the empty landscape,
with me still a bit dumbstruck
about how the Evo had
come back from the dead.
Think what happened to
the front of this car.
The front wishbone was bent
back on itself, but here we are,
temperature absolutely stable,
steering rock steady.
I wouldn't have believed it.
[steady music]
If we were in an old black-and-white
British newsreel,
it would be described as a plucky chap.
But it's more than a plucky chap.
I mean, it's just incredible.
[engine revving]
Soon, Richard and I were nearing
the mining town of Kiruna.
I don't know much about it
apart from the fact
that it hosts the world's largest
underground iron ore mine.
Which suggests it's not pretty?
I'm not expecting Bourton-on-the-Water.
[James] No. Agreed.
Then again, iron ore is very important
and Swedish iron ore
was very significant
to Britain's success
in the Industrial Revolution.
History lecture.
[James] And once the Darbys
had worked out how
to smelt iron with coke
rather than having
to burn charcoal made
from wood, we were away.
There's actually a bit more to it
than that.
That was an over-simplification.
And yet, still,
somehow more than enough.
[slow music]
[James] Eventually,
we arrived in the town itself.
That must be it.
That must be the actual mine.
[menacing music]
[James] Well, one good thing,
as this is a town,
and it's a sort of practical town,
we can stock up on all
the stuff we might need
to continue our journey
through the wilderness.
[Jeremy] Meanwhile,
back at Ice Station Zebra,
I was finally making progress.
[hammer clicking]
Fire, no use at all.
Hammer, only thing that works.
[tool clatters]
Ooh! Movement!
[door thudding]
[exhales]
See, my mother would look at
that hole there in the window
and go, 'Yes, that's clear.
We can go to school now, Jeremy'.
[engine rumbles]
Yes. We are away.
[James] Over in Kiruna,
we had found the most
manly shop in the world.
- Oh, right, this [laughs]
- Oh, hang on.
Whoa!
- No!
- [tools clanging]
That says mining town!
'What do you mine?' 'Iron-ore'.
- That must [groans]
- I'm going to put my car back together.
[Richard laughs]
That is
Have we shrunk or is
everybody bigger than us here?
- I dunno.
- Yeah.
I haven't got my glasses.
[James] It's an ax.
[Richard] Yeah. [laughs]
Oh, hang on, these are like strops.
This is if we get stuck, which we could
'cause we're gonna be in the wilderness.
- Easy.
- These are strops
and winches and things. A ratchet strap.
And we are prepared.
[chiming music]
[James] With our survival shopping done,
we went for a well-earned bite to eat.
It's funny, I don't
generally go for pizzas,
but sometimes
Oh, hello.
You made it.
Oh.
What?
- Would you like some pizza?
- Yes.
- Did you get the ice off?
- Yeah, mostly.
I bet it was fun.
That was a proper challenge.
What did you do?
- Flame thrower, chisel.
- We guessed fire.
I hope you enjoy your pizza.
Shall we call a truce on
silly ice-related pranks?
- No.
- Okay.
You can have a small piece.
- Don't let him have any!
- Small piece, small piece.
- Have you seen this?
- What?
It's a mobile home.
I'll tell you exactly what this is.
The iron ore mine, which you
may have noticed on the way in
- It's hard to miss.
- Mmm.
The seam is going under the town
that they're mining,
and the houses are starting to
- They just disappear in the
- Yeah, they're just falling into the hole.
So they're moving the town.
[Richard] But there was a
whole house on a truck thing.
- They just move the house.
- [Jeremy] Yeah, pick up the house.
They are moving house, literally.
They pick them up, put them on a lorry,
and move them to an area
where the mine isn't.
- [Richard] Wow!
- There, look, you can see.
[James] Yeah.
[Jeremy] There is the seam
and the town is falling down.
It gives me an idea, though.
- What?
- You know those houses
we saw on skis at the lake,
was it yesterday?
- Hmm.
- Mm.
[Jeremy] Well, I know that once we go
Where are we going?
- East of here.
- [James] Yeah?
Towards Finland and into Finland,
it does get more wildernessy
than it has been.
Why don't we get, like, houses
and tow them behind our cars?
What?
- That's just a caravan.
- Actual houses?
No, no, no, on skis.
Well, but we can't possibly
tow a whole house behind us.
[Jeremy] Well, I'm not suggesting
we have a six-bedroom mansion.
So, what are you thinking of?
Something in between
a dog kennel and that.
On skis?
- It's the skis that
- [Jeremy] Yes, it's not some awful
You can make whatever house you like.
That is a smart idea.
So with that and the
provisions we've bought,
- we are good.
- Have you been shopping?
- [Richard] Yeah.
- Oh, yeah,
we've got some fantastic stuff.
[steady music]
[Jeremy] With that settled,
we found a workshop.
And the next afternoon,
the houses were ready.
Let me talk you through my genius,
if I may, Hammond.
- A simple bed, fur blanket.
- Synthetic?
Yeah, and then we've
got a wood-burning stove,
antler lighting here,
and then, external lighting on my porch.
It's a bit big, isn't it?
It's not big!
Well, it is compared to mine.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah!
Traditional Swedish hut.
Perfect in every way, this.
This is what they use.
Look, compact living.
In the middle, this is for cooking.
So, air comes in underneath,
goes out that chimney at the top.
- Yeah?
- Keeps the whole thing warm.
This seat converts into a bed.
- I've got lighting.
- Hold on. What?
You have to sleep in a C shape?
No, no, no, that bit goes in there
and then that comes over there.
This all converts into a bed
when you're in sleeping mode,
but this is sociable,
keep warm, cook food.
[clears throat]
Pretty lights, honestly
Why didn't you make it square, though?
You'd have had more space.
Because they are
traditionally this shape.
You sit around. I actually
have one of these at home.
- Of course you do.
- For real, and it's brilliant.
You have a barbecue in it
with your friends and, you know
[Jeremy clears throat]
Have you just stolen a bus shelter?
Well, my thinking was
that, when I'm in bed,
I can just look at the Northern Lights
without having to go outside.
I wish I'd thought of that.
This is a bit like those people
who go foraging for food.
Isn't it?
You've gone foraging for shelter.
Instead of some mushrooms,
you've come back with a bus stop.
[Jeremy] It's a clever thing.
It's just, I don't particularly want
to look out of my window
and see you doing man things.
I'm not gonna park near you.
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] Unveilings over,
it was time to hit the road.
Here we go.
Ooh, it's going. I have begun.
[engine rumbles]
[Richard] We're moving.
[James] Well, thus far,
everything works. It's perfect.
[engine rumbles]
[James] Chaps? I seem to
have frozen to the ground.
[Jeremy] Richard and I, therefore,
got out to give him a push.
- [door thudding]
- You ready?
- What are you doing?
- Three, two, one, go!
[Richard and Jeremy grunting]
- Yes!
- Yes.
Keep going, James.
- [James] Thank you!
- [Jeremy laughs]
I'm off.
[Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy] It works! It works!
Oh, no. No.
[Richard] Oh, my word [yelps]
[James] Panic. Panic.
[steady music]
It's difficult to describe
the handling of the Audi now.
Worse is one way of saying it.
On the plus side, however,
our grand designs had
solved our housing problems.
And we were now heading smoothly
towards the Finnish border.
I'm a proper nomad
in the snowy wilderness.
I've got my home with me.
Fabulous, it's a roaming village.
[Jeremy] Hello, lovely Swedish people.
Now, the sat nav
is saying to go left here.
No!
[laughs] I nearly rolled my shed there!
[James] Buffeting.
Buffeting.
Oh. Steady.
[steady music]
[Richard] Jeremy, are you
sure about this turnoff?
Yes. I'm not.
To be honest, I'm not,
'cause my sat nav won't admit,
'cause it's German,
that it can only see one
or maybe two satellites.
So, it doesn't really know where it is.
[steady music]
[Jeremy] Thanks to
the Quattro's superior power,
I was soon far ahead
of the two-litre boys.
But my heavy shed
did make my V8 a bit thirsty.
God, I'm gonna need some fuel first.
Oh no, wait, a petrol station.
Whoa. Ooh, deary me.
- [house thudding]
- Oh! Hell!
Shit!
I've crashed into a petrol station
is what I've done here.
[sighs]
Oh, shit.
Morning.
At that moment, my colleague arrived.
[house thudding]
[Richard] Right.
[Jeremy] And kindly volunteered
to help me out of my pickle.
[Richard] Shall I go? I'll stand on it.
Full-right in reverse,
It might just do it.
[Jeremy] You reckon?
Ah. You see?
- Yes?
- Yeah, you're all right.
Keep your hard, hard right in.
[Jeremy laughing]
Okay.
And then go forwards.
All right, with hindsight,
I've made a mistake.
Oh
[Jeremy] Shit!
What did I hit?
All those big metal bins.
[Jeremy] Have I hit the recycling bin?
[Richard] Yes, a number
of them, in fact.
[Jeremy] Oh. no. Look what we've done.
- [Richard] We?
- [Jeremy] It is a village notice board.
Music lessons, they do recorder lessons.
- [Richard] There's a kid's choir.
- [Jeremy] Well, they, they won't notice.
[Richard] Well, they will,
it's on its side.
Oh, it's bloody heavy.
No, we're not gonna,
we're never gonna get that back up.
It's the one thing they've got!
Snow and a notice board.
[Jeremy] Given the situation,
it seemed churlish to
complain about my own damage.
[Richard] Ooh, that's gonna
be breezy in there now.
[Jeremy] So, after Mr Slowly
turned up, we left the scene,
trying to draw as little attention
to ourselves as possible.
[Jeremy on radio]
Chaps, we're going the other way.
Stop. We're going the other way.
[Richard] Well, why didn't you tell me
that before I set off?
No. No. Over-jackknifed.
[Richard] Are we having
a barn dance now?
[slow music]
[Jeremy] Back on the road,
traffic was light.
So, after a few miles,
we got a big giddy.
[dramatic music]
Are you overtaking me, you maniac?
[Richard] Ski-shed racing! New thing!
[laughs]
[Richard] Oh, my God.
Yeah, with hindsight,
that was a mistake.
I've made it angry!
[Jeremy laughs]
[James laughs]
[Richard] Ooh! Bank!
[house thudding]
Oh no, there's a bus shelter
coming up on my inside.
[laughs]
Even James May's bus [laughs]
I'm gonna take him [laughs]
[Richard] Oh, my word.
Oh.
I was a little over-exuberant.
I, yeah
Well, I haven't done
anything funnier than this
in a car for a really,
really, really long time.
[engine revving]
I just hope it isn't that sort of funny
that ends in blood and court cases
and burst arteries.
- [automated voice] Turn left.
- Left turn. Ooh, sudden!
Shit!
Oh, hell!
There's a left turn,
and I've had a accident.
- [Richard] You're a dick.
- [door thudding]
[Jeremy] Nevertheless,
for the second time in two hours,
my colleague did organize a rescue.
So if we get this strop and another strop
and take it to that tree
[James] Stand clear.
[engine whining]
Ooh, a little, a little tug might do it.
Yeah, there you go.
[house crashing]
- Very good!
- Hoorah!
Something we did worked!
[laughs] Something,
like, we did it and it
[Jeremy] I didn't do it.
- We were there.
- We were there when it did it.
[steady music]
There it is, the mighty shed
is once again on the move.
A few miles later, my Amstrad sat nav
finally delivered us
to the Finnish border.
Now, that is Finland over there,
on the other bank of this frozen river.
[Richard]
This is an international border?
[Jeremy] Yes.
So how do people cross
between Sweden and Finland if,
say, it's the summer?
[Jeremy] Yes, you raise
a good point there, James.
This sat nav's taken leave of its senses.
Anyway, here we go.
[dramatic music]
[engine revving]
Hello, Finland.
Yeah, this is a bit more
like the real deal now.
This is the wilderness.
If we get into trouble out here, we
are a long way from anyone and anything.
But it's okay.
We've got our houses with us.
We find a clearing in the woods
and we camp, in the wild.
As we climbed,
dusk gave way to darkness.
And then there was a storm.
[wind whipping]
Now, this has got a bit perilous now.
A, it's gone dark
and B, it's a blizzard.
I mean a proper blizzard.
This is far from good now.
The inside of my windscreen has iced up.
I'm having to
[wind whipping]
[Jeremy] No, this is just hopeless.
I think we should stop here.
I don't think we should carry on.
[Richard moaning]
I'm going in.
I'm gonna get my fire working.
[James] Shall I come and help you?
[Richard] By all means.
Jesus.
Oh, God.
[wind whipping]
[gasps]
Come on.
[flame whooshing]
I might have put
some lighter fluid on it.
Thanks for telling me.
[James] These are so cold.
[wind whipping]
[Jeremy] Thankfully, the next morning,
the storm had passed.
Oh, I'm cold.
Ooh.
Jesus Christ.
[Jeremy panting]
[skis scraping]
[Jeremy sniffling]
Right, what we've done
is camped on the ski run.
And a red run, by the looks of things.
[engine revving]
[engine revving]
[Jeremy grunting]
What the
What the
That's what you get for
encasing my car in ice, I guess.
[Richard screaming]
What?
[screaming]
[house thudding]
Good.
[James moans]
Time to get up.
Where are we?
Now, that's interesting.
It turns out we're in a ski resort.
- [James] What?
- [Jeremy] I know.
Jeez.
Oh, God, it's a good job
we stopped when we did.
I know.
Hammond's already at the bottom.
What? How?
On his skis?
Yeah, and his shed.
His shed went down the bottom?
Yeah, I might have given
a little bit of a push.
- A tiny push.
- You pushed his shed down the hill?
Well, I thought he, 'cause he always
said he wanted to go skiing.
Well, ignore him,
we've got the big problem,
'cause we've somehow
got to tow these down there.
And that's a red run.
[Richard]
Actually, I had the big problem,
because my house was now ruined
and I needed to get up to my car.
This meant using the pulling thing
that skiers use.
And the problem there was, I can't ski.
Skis? No.
More skis.
Snowboards.
No.
Oh, hang on.
Yes.
[machine clicking]
[grunts]
[grunting]
[machine humming]
[groans]
[grunts]
[James] Meanwhile, back at the top,
I was trying to hitch
my car up to my bus shelter.
[engine revving]
Bugger!
Right, my plan, to try and stop
my very long sledge slewing round
is to attach cables to the corner here
and the corner there
and the corner there
and the corner there
to keep it straight.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
[Richard panting]
[engine revving]
Right. Hang on. Right hand down, back,
a bit of left, a bit of right, line up.
[engine revving]
Oh, shit!
Shit!
[grunts] Jesus!
[engine revving]
Ah! No!
Oh.
[Jeremy] This left just me
and two sheds.
- [door thudding]
- [engine revving]
[panting]
- [door thudding]
- [engine revving]
[panting]
- [door thudding]
- [engine revving]
[panting]
Oh, for God's sake.
- [door thudding]
- [engine revving]
[panting]
Right. Oh, it's Hammond.
Hammond? Could you give us a hand?
No.
[door thudding]
[engine revving]
[Jeremy] Having finally
got my shed hitched,
I was ready to go.
Right. Is everything in order?
Traction control is off. Good.
[Richard] Jeremy, are you actually
coming down here today at all?
[Jeremy] I'm coming.
It's very difficult.
Because I've got a shed
on the back of my car.
Lights? Yeah.
Straps are on. Oh, shit!
Traction control is off.
Here we go.
Take this steadily.
That's what I've gotta do, steady.
Keep it straight, Jeremy.
Keep it straight.
[Richard] Er, your shed's on fire.
[Jeremy] How have I done this?
No, stopping not possible.
I'm speeding up.
Trying to put the flames out that way,
like they did in 'Memphis Belle'.
- [flames crackling]
- [engine revving]
All right, I'm gonna try
and understeer my way to a halt.
Oh, God.
[Richard] I think it
might have something
- to do with your flaming exhaust.
- [Jeremy] Shit!
[Jeremy]
Once the fire had been put out
I inspected the damage.
Oh, Christ. Burned.
- [James] Well, at least it's warm now.
- [Jeremy] The straps worked.
- [Richard] Yeah, but
- But, no, no, stop and just,
before you get onto your negativity
Okay?
These straps stopped it.
You know, all the way here,
it was slewing round all the time?
- That solved the problem.
- Good thinking.
- Exactly.
- But as a result of that,
it's survived for you
to sleep in another night.
Oh, well, this has gone well.
- [chiming music]
- [Jeremy] We were all now homeless.
And we had another problem.
[engine revving]
The airport may have only
been a hundred miles away,
but making it on time in Finland,
which has the toughest
speeding laws in the world,
would be tricky.
It did give me an idea, though.
Listen. What we've established
is the Audi is the only car
that can pull a sledge down a red run.
And set it on fire and destroy it.
Yes, yes, yes, but it's
the only one that did it.
Yours didn't.
I'm doing a thorough test on this car.
And actually, to be honest, early on,
May was doing
a very thorough test on the Evo.
So come on, Hammond.
Show us how fast the Subaru goes.
I'm not doing that here.
[laughs]
Why not?
[laughs] Because they are
properly next-level strict on speeding.
They don't just access your records
to see if your car's taxed,
they look at your tax returns
to see how much you earn
and then fine you accordingly.
He's right. They do.
It's true. A Finnish sausage magnate
was fined 116,000 pounds
for doing 80 kilometres
in a 40-kilometre zone.
They are serious about it.
[Jeremy] Come on, Hammond.
You can afford it.
Put your foot down.
See how fast you can make it go.
- [James laughing]
- [laughs] I am not,
even I am not falling for that. No.
- [steady music]
- [engine revving]
[Jeremy] Because of the speed limits,
I was worried we'd miss our flight.
But then I had a brainwave.
Well, we can't go quickly on the roads,
but we can go quickly on this lake,
which actually stretches
a long way towards the airport.
Okey doke. Here we go.
[engine revving]
- Speed and power.
- [engine revving]
[dramatic music]
You see? No speed limits here.
The swine! He cut me off
like a maniac and a yobbo.
You can't get me.
[James] You should try
driving over here. It's all flat.
- Oh, shit!
- [car crashing]
[beep]
[Jeremy] James has
gone through, everyone.
- Shit!
- James has gone through.
[Richard] Don't move.
[James groaning]
- [water trickling]
- [beep]
Shit.
[Jeremy] Can you get out?
Are you on the bottom?
I mean, is he just, is it
the ice underneath him?
It could just be on a rock.
[James] Ow!
[Jeremy] James, what's happened
is your front spoiler
is wedged in what looks
like still-intact ice.
[door thudding]
[James grunting]
[Richard] That's against
a rock or the ice.
[James] Oh, my ribs.
[Jeremy] Right, you're pretty much out,
if you can get on the boot lid.
[James grunting]
I mean, do you think the car
is just sitting on a plate of ice?
No, I think it's just
wedged in some ice.
If it goes down, I'll swim for it,
but we've gotta save the car.
Find a way of dragging the car out.
If you drag the car out,
I'll come with it.
Have you, we got, you've got a tow.
- Something I've
- Yeah, but we can't get
close enough to pull it out with your,
with our cars, can we?
- [Richard sighs]
- No, I'm not driving any nearer.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
I'm not gonna go near, but
Don't drive any closer than there.
We're not going to.
So the tow rope is out.
[Richard] But I have got tools.
Right, let's go
and think what we've got.
- That's halfway up the lights there.
- Yeah, okay, let's look at tools.
Mate, I saw a video, don't laugh.
But you know I like sort of, you know,
recovery and off-roading and stuff?
Yes.
I was watching them do an ice recovery.
[Jeremy sighs]
There's a way of doing this.
You can use a tree as a winch.
Don't go away, James.
We'll be right back.
Oh, no, I was gonna go for a coffee.
[engine revving]
This is a rescue mission.
- [engine revving]
- [dramatic music]
[James] I reckon there's just a chance
this could still go again,
if it didn't hydraulic the engine.
But we've gotta get it out. It's
Oh, God.
I don't believe it's ready to go.
It's a survivor.
- [dramatic music]
- [engine revving]
- So, what's the plan?
- Oh, he's got one.
I don't understand it,
I'm gonna be honest with you.
Saw this on the internet.
[dramatic music]
[Richard] I've gone through.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Right, you have a bridge to escape.
When are you gonna say 'thank you'?
Well, it hasn't worked yet.
[sighs] Is there a way we can get
the car out but leave him there?
[dramatic music]
- [Richard] I reckon that's good.
- [Jeremy] Right. May?
Give this a really good knot
and attach it to the tow bar, yeah?
[James] Yeah, okay.
[James blows raspberry]
Ow!
- [Richard] You're on.
- Yes? [groans]
[Jeremy] Is that it, Hammond?
[Richard] Yeah. It's built.
[Jeremy] What?
So it's just a log in a hole?
- [Richard] Yep.
- [Jeremy] Tied to another log?
[Richard] Yep.
[Jeremy] And you reckon
that's gonna be enough
to pull a ton and a half of car that's
[Richard] Oh, yeah.
[Jeremy] I think that log
in the middle's turning.
[Richard] Yeah, it's supposed to.
- [Jeremy] Oh, is it?
- [Richard] That's the winch.
The log in the middle turns
and winds in the rope.
[Jeremy] Actually, Hammond,
you know what?
- [Richard] It's working.
- [Jeremy] It's working!
I mean, I'm genuinely staggered,
'cause that is ice,
but, yeah, look at that.
Right, we've gotta get him off.
[James] Can you put
the log between there
and the driver's seat?
And then I can climb across
the door to the nice bit, onto the land.
[Jeremy grunting]
[Jeremy panting]
- [James grunting]
- [Jeremy] He is rescued.
[James] Right, thank you.
[Jeremy] Did the engine,
as far as you know, go under water?
I don't think it did.
[Jeremy] So we've got to try
and keep the engine above water.
- Let's do it.
- Let's just do it.
[Jeremy] We have got to just
get cracking, seriously.
[slow music]
[Richard] We started winching,
praying that whatever
was holding the car up
would keep the engine out of the water.
[log creaking]
[James] What's the breaking strain
of the rope?
[Richard] I don't know. It's just rope.
[car creaking]
Oh, shit, it's gone in!
The car's gone in at the front.
Okay.
[Richard] It's dropped off the edge?
[Jeremy] Yeah.
Right, we really have got
a bit of a rush on now
'cause the engine's in the water.
[Richard] Okay.
- It's moving! Look!
- [James] It is!
[Richard] Once the back
of the car was far enough out,
it was time for
the next part of my plan.
[Jeremy] Like this?
- Hammond?
- [Richard] Yeah, that's correct.
Jeremy, are you ready?
[Jeremy] Two secs.
The car's moving!
- It is under tension now.
- The car's moving.
Ooh, brake lights.
Why have the brake lights just come on?
[Richard] Electrics. Fusing.
[Jeremy] Right. James?
- [James] Yeah?
- [Jeremy] Your engine is out.
The biggest problem is,
it's stuck on the frame.
But, as it was now out of the hole,
I could get close enough to use my V8.
[James] Stop. Stop.
Right, you're on. There you go.
[engine revving]
- [Richard laughing]
- Another one.
[engine revving]
- That'll do it. That'll do it.
- That is out!
What a car this is.
It's yanked the Evo out.
It's saved the Evo's life. You beauty.
But the question was, had it?
[Richard and Jeremy sighing]
- Oh.
- Oh, shit.
- Look at the off headlamp.
- [James] Oh, God.
[Jeremy] Right, well,
what you've got, James,
plainly, is some work to do.
- [James] Yep.
- Hammond, what you and I have got to do
is catch this plane home.
Yes. Team comes first.
[Jeremy] The team comes first.
We have been a team.
[James] Thank you for that.
We'll see you in something.
- Volvo.
- [engine revving]
[dramatic music]
[Richard] I can't see him
fixing that this time.
It's a tough little car, that Evo,
and I love it, but I think it's dead.
[dramatic music]
We are running late for this plane!
Come on, come on.
- [dramatic music]
- [engine revving]
The lake gave way to fast forest tracks.
Which were the perfect environment
to sum up our cars.
If I can liken them to dogs,
and I think I can,
the Evo is like a rescue dog.
It's been appallingly mistreated
by its irresponsible owner,
and you sort of love it for that.
Then there's the Subaru,
which is like an endearing
but ultimately quite annoying terrier.
[barks, pants]
[engine revving]
And then there's the Audi Quattro,
which is like a Labrador,
brilliant at absolutely everything.
[engine revving]
A Quattro is not just for Christmas.
[engine revving]
A Quattro is for life.
- [dramatic music]
- [engine revving]
I'm not saying the Subaru
can do everything,
adapt to fit the captain of industry
and the bar-brawler within you.
It doesn't. You have to change
to fit it, and that's the point.
The most mild-mannered vicar in the world
could leave the pulpit
with kind words for his flock,
hop into a Subaru Impreza,
and he would drive, well, like this.
[engine revving]
Ooh, 'cause that's what it does!
[engine revving]
[dramatic music]
We then got on
with our charge to the plane.
Right, that is the perimeter fence
for the airport.
[Richard]
Somewhere in there is our plane.
[engine revving]
I'm now in Where Eagles Dare.
[dramatic music]
Oh, my word. A machine!
- [dramatic music]
- [engine revving]
What an arrival.
- [engine revving]
- [dramatic music]
- That's gotta be it.
- [dramatic music]
- [engine whirring]
- [slow music]
- Fancy plane!
- Yeah. Nice finish line.
- Isn't it?
- [door thudding]
[Jeremy] We'd actually got here
faster than expected,
which meant we now had
a bit of time to kill
while waiting for James.
I was just thinking, driving along,
if your car was originally
designed to do rallying,
it's going to be pretty good,
whatever it is.
How would you know?
Well, it wasn't designed to do rallying,
- was it?
- It was!
Did you look in your rear-view mirror
at any point in the last 40 minutes?
Yes, there was an enormous Audi in it,
but not a rally car.
Your problem is
you're not very observant.
What?
What?
- Did you do that?
- [Jeremy] Yes.
Have you done the doors as well?
- Yes.
- Oh, bloody hell.
And your windscreen.
Oh, come on, I thought I looked cool.
- You did.
- [Richard] No, it didn't!
Everyone was going,
'There's a Martin Clunes fan'.
- [Richard laughs]
- Or Martin Bashir.
Revelations dealt with,
we then waited to see
what James would arrive in.
And a short while later
Is that him?
- And if it is
- What's he in?
Is it the Mitsubishi?
Or is it the Volvo?
Is that the Volvo?
[James] It was the Volvo.
And I wasn't in it.
[triumphant music]
What? Oh, my God!
Yes, what a car!
That is extraordinary!
[Jeremy] How the bloody hell
is that possible?
[laughs] It's totally wounded,
but it's here!
[slow music]
[Jeremy] We worried
when we began this journey
that it'd be a bit nerdy.
But it wasn't.
And we sincerely hope
that all of you have found
these rally-bred titans
as amazing as we have.
[inspiring music]
You beauty.
They're cars that put up
with all of our nonsense,
never once losing their majesty.
[engine revving]
But there's absolutely no doubt
about the real hero of this adventure.
[brakes screeching]
[car crashing]
The Evo died, not once but twice.
[car crashing]
No way.
And both times, it rose from the dead
- [engine revving]
- and soldiered on.
[Richard] Oh!
[Jeremy] That's why the Evo
and its traveling companions
are exactly the sort of cars a show
like this is honoured to honour.
[slow music]
Hi, there.
[engine whirring]
[crew member]
Shore to Jeremy, Richard, James.
- [man] They're here.
- [man #2] Why have they gone down there?
[man #3] They're getting further away.
- [man #3] I'm losing them.
- [man #4] What?
[engine whirring]
Guys, you're supposed
just to taxi round.
What the
[crew member] They're not supposed
to be on that. That's a prop.
They're not supposed to take off.
- They're supposed to be on that one.
- [engine rumbling]
Sub extracted & improved by
[steady music]