The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s05e01 Episode Script

Host the show again This week.
Yes, it's going To be a great week.
Yeah, who are John's guests? Well, on monday, We have the bad boy Of drive-time radio, Don imus.
We have The irrepressible jackee.
And we have one Of the stars of friends.
Really? Which one? George mcatee.
He's a wonderful Character actor.
He played the janitor With the shaky leg On episode 14.
I see.
And on tuesday, In the first 15 minutes, Mr.
Jon stewart Will be interviewing A musician, a journalist, And a sportscaster.
How, may you ask? Well, they're all The same man-- john tesh.
Arthur, when jon stewart's Contract With world-wide pants Expires.
He will be able to go To any network he wants, And we want him here.
You mean, To go on after larry? Well, surely you don't Mean for him to go on Before larry? Well, Of course not.
No.
That would be The news.
Well, the only alternative Is to go on At the same time as larry.
Arthur, We realize that this Is difficult for you.
Yeah? How so? Roger bingham feels Very strongly about jon.
So you're grooming jon? We just wanna make sure We have a backup Quarterback.
Oh, well, That's different, ha.
I thought you wanted Jon stewart As the permanent Guest host.
Arthur.
Arthur.
A permanent guest host Is a backup quarterback.
Ooh, i'm so sorry, Melanie.
I don't follow sports.
I love those earrings.
Well, when is The network so concerned About who jon stewart's Guests are? Well, they just want him To have a good lineup, As do we.
They just wanna make sure They build jon stewart A following.
That's what They did to johnny.
They gave jay bigger And bigger guests So he got high ratings.
The next thing you knew, He was A permanent guest host, And then All of a sudden, There's no johnny.
You really believe that? Yes, i do.
Brian.
Mm-hmm? I got a problem.
You gotta help me with it.
Ok, what's wrong? Well, i don't know Which car To drive home tonight.
My-- my bentley, or my, Uh, my jensen healey.
It's here? [Laughs.]
No, it's coming.
I called elvis costello.
I told him I could not wait Until he did the show To get my new baby, And he's agreed To drop it off, And he's on his way.
[Laughs.]
Oh, wow! You know, hank, You're gonna look Just like james bond In that car.
Do you think? I do.
My god, if this car gets me Just one third the pussy That man got, I die a happy man.
Don't put yourself down.
I bet you get half.
Thank you.
I have a delivery For mr.
Hank kingsley.
There you are.
What-- What took you so long? Oh, i just had to take her out For one more spin.
I found a stretch of The pacific coast highway And, you know, Rrr! Rrr! Rrr! Rrr! Rrr! [Laughs.]
She's a beauty.
I'm gonna miss her.
Why are you selling it, Mr.
Costello? Uh, brian.
It's a good Question.
I don't wanna be One of those sad Male menopause guys, You know, drivin' around In their sports car, You know, looking for pussy.
Nothing sadder.
Be good to her, She'll be good to you.
Thank you, mate.
See you on the show.
All right.
Thanks, mate.
[Laughs.]
He seems like A really nice guy.
Oh, he's a great guy.
He's a terrible Negotiator, though.
Oh? Yeah.
Well, that's-- That's the english Weakness.
I didn't know that.
Oh, sure.
That's why they sold Alaska to us for-- For nothing.
Huh.
You can give him Anybody you want.
What about Juliana margulies? Well, except for her.
'Cause, you know, She flirts with me, The audience loves it.
All right.
Uh, Hootie and the blowfish.
I just skipped their concert 'Cause i knew they were Gonna be on the show.
Jesus christ.
David duchovny? Well, he's A buddy of mine.
I know.
So come on.
He calls me Every night.
I know.
I think he's got A little crush on you.
Larry: by louis farrakhan's Account We have 750,000 here tonight.
[Laughter and applause.]
There's so many, um Things in the news.
Madonna, of course, Had her, uh, baby, And, uh, gee, this is The first time in a long time That someone Was actually trying To get out of madonna.
[Audience laughs.]
Madonna's baby Is already, uh, talking.
Did you know that? Just-- just Already talking.
Calling her, Uh, mom "mama.
" Calling her dad "Sperm donor.
" [Audience laughs.]
You know [Telephone rings.]
[Ring.]
Hello? Duchovny: hello, Uh, mr.
Sanders.
Can i speak To your son, larry? [Laughs.]
Duchovny? Yeah.
How you doin'? Good.
I'm just Watchin' the show.
I'm just bored up here.
Where are you? You know, canada.
It's like the shining up here.
This damn show.
The show's is doing great.
You're doing great.
Oh, well, thank you.
God, well i just Told you that last night.
Yeah, i'm gonna be in Town next week, actually.
That's why i'm callin'.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
Great.
Hey, i'm off All next week.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You wanna Play some ball? Yeah, let's play Some ball.
Yeah, i'm gonna be renting A house out at the beach.
You wanna come, uh, Spend some time out there? Yeah, that'd be fun.
I miss spending time With you, you know.
Talkin' on the phone's ok, But, i, you know, I just miss seein' ya.
Maybe you can come out And spend-- spend an evening Out at the beach.
It's nice out there.
Yeah, i'll come out In the afternoon.
Yeah, and spend the night.
¡hola, jefe! ¡gracias, senoritas and caballeros! And it's a week Of fun in the sun.
You know, These language tapes Are really Paying off for you.
Heh heh heh.
Hey, speaking Of hilarity, Have you read Phil's welcome to the dollhouse sketch? Yes, i did.
I thought It was awful.
You think David duchovny Is, uh, gay? How would i know? I've lost contact With that world Since the death Of randolph scott, But he definitely Finds you fabulous.
Yeah.
Well, you know, He invited me To, uh, Spend some time At the beach house With him.
Well, so what? I've asked you out To the beach before.
I hope you don't ask Everyone you meet Which way My peter teeters.
Artie Sometimes i'll be Talking to the guy, And he literally Gazes at me To the point When i'm finished With the question, I have to ask him again, Because it's like He's lost himself in me.
Do you know what I'm talking about? Huh? Heh heh heh.
Oh, my god, What happened to you? Elvis costello and His piece-of-shit mobile, That's what Happened to me.
Oh, jeez.
I spent last night Out at hollywood park, Begging for jump-starts From race-track scum.
And, uh-- thank you-- This morning I had a delightful hour On the side of the 405, Rehanging the muffler With my goddamn necktie.
Hank, next time That happens, Just call me.
Oh, so you're saying That my car phone works.
Well, what a delightful Sense of humor you have.
Hank, look.
When i bought my honda, It needed $200 of work Right off the bat.
Ok? But then It ran for 3 years Without a problem.
Well, brian, If, uh, i had bought A honda, That would make me Feel better, But i spent twice Your annual salary On this car.
It blows out smoke That smells like A dead horse.
When i touch the cd player And the steering wheel At the same time I get a shock.
And the engine stalls out If i cut a fart.
God! He saw me coming.
Hey, hank, is that Your jensen healy? Yes, it is, And thank you For noticing it.
We were just Talking about it.
It's a limited edition.
Babies made.
Well, that baby Is leaking something, And that something Smells like gas.
Oh, no, no.
See, you don't know.
You're a novice.
What you're smelling Is pure driving power.
But thank you.
Are you sure There's nothing wrong With your car? Of course there's Something wrong.
Get a fucking mop And meet me in the garage.
Ah, friday night Brings us The exciting And still hot Zsa zsa gabor.
Are you guys mad at me? You've been A prince here, jon.
What's wrong? Well, it's like I read the welcome to the dollhouse sketch.
And, uh, there Just didn't seem To be anything What's the word? Funny.
I agree, but I've confiscated Phil's bong, And i can assure you The writing will improve.
What next? Well, artie, I don't want to push this, But it seems like We got 2 things Going on here.
We got the larry sanders show, Which is huge guests And funny comedy, And it's very popular.
Then we have This other thing, Which reminds me A lot of my old show, Which was not as popular, And, in fact, They stopped making.
I mean, the network guys Kept talking about All these huge guests That were coming.
And so they should, Because they love you At the network.
Here's a hot one: The incomparable Charles nelson reilly.
Again? Oh, larry, This just arrived By messengers From david duchovny.
Larry? Larry.
From david duchovny.
Oh, boy, what is it? I don't know.
Are you, uh, staying At the beach with him This weekend? I don't know.
Maybe one fucking night.
Well, i'm just asking, 'Cause he called and asked If you were free, And i, uh-- What did you say? I said you were.
You did.
Ooh, this is nice.
Wow.
You want To try it on? "The truth Is out there.
" What does that mean? It's from the show.
Is there a card? Yeah, here.
You read it.
Ok.
It says, uh "For the beach And those cool--" Do you think he's gay? I don't know.
I wouldn't know that, Larry.
I think he's got A crush on me.
Well, did you do Something to cause it? Yeah, look at me.
I'm gorgeous.
I'm just fucking gorgeous.
Hey, larry.
Oh, hey, brian, Can i talk to you A second? Yeah, sure.
Um, hey, listen.
Uh Do i seem gay to you? What? Well, i know, it's-- It's funny.
Do you? Um, that's hard To say, larry, 'Cause i know You're not gay, right? Do any of your friends Think i'm gay? My gay friends? Ok, sure.
Let's start with them.
Well, um, I don't, uh, I don't think They think about sex When they watch you.
Really? Really, but i haven't Exactly taken a survey.
What about david duchovny? Oh, david duchovny, yes.
Does he seem gay? Well, um A third think he's gay, A third think he's bi, And the rest don't care.
They just want to Kiss him anyways, Which would be me.
Ok.
Thanks.
Ok.
Hey, brian! The security guard's Looking for you.
The gorgeous Security guard? Get over here! Come on.
Sounds important.
Oh, man.
I'm in trouble, And i love it.
$300 for a water pump? Hank! But-- but i-- i Still smell gas.
Hank! Yes! I do realize That the water pump Is not connected To the fuel system, But i just had The mistaken impression That you had a nose.
Tally ho, fuck face! Hank! Hank! Haven't you ever Heard of knocking Before you enter? I'm sorry.
All right.
Calm down.
Ok.
Now just calm down.
Ok! All right.
Now Are you calm? Good.
Now, what is it? Your car's on fire.
God damn it! God damn it! When were you Gonna tell me?! We can still call it welcome to the white house.
Not that hank in a wig Isn't funny.
Just it's a little mean.
This is great.
'Cause i don't want To be a pain in the ass If it's not-- No, no.
It's great.
It gives me An opportunity To finally do Some edgier stuff.
Larry thinks It's interesting To people To watch question time with larry.
Hey Am i interrupting? No, no.
Not at all.
No.
Hey, jon, I'll catch you later.
All right.
Thanks a lot, phil.
It's cool Hey, larry.
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Sorry.
I didn't know You were here.
I would've Come in sooner.
Oh, that's ok.
Just, uhUm Looks like you got A pretty good week here.
Yeah, no.
I'm excited.
I got, uh I'm gonna talk To brent musberger About abc, And then talk To zsa zsa gabor About brent musberger, And then just Ride that crest Right into Charles nelson reilly.
Then i'm gonna hang myself With my own shoelaces.
Ahem.
Um David duchovny? Yeah.
Actually, Artie-- artie Just moved him.
He came in, And he, uh Did he say why? No.
Just seemed Real focused.
Well, you know, He's a buddy Of mine, so Oh.
All right.
I have to Move him back.
And the same with Hootie and the blowfish.
Friends? Uh, well, The blowfish are.
Oh.
I see.
Hootie-- hootie Seems aloof.
Yeah.
You wouldn't Happen to be friends With sally struthers, Would you? [Laughs.]
You're gonna be hilarious Flirting with her, really.
And don't underestimate Charles nelson reilly.
The audiences love him.
All right.
This is an interesting Process, actually.
Normally, i would do this Behind your back, But, you know, You're a good guy.
Uh, excuse me.
Jon, was your car Parked next to hank's? Yeah, thank you.
That's a great spot.
Why'd you steal Duchovny from me? Get off it.
You stole duchovny.
I just took him back.
Well, i had to throw Jon a bone.
Besides, you said duchovny's Making goo-goo eyes at you.
I thought i was Doing you a favor.
Why don't you just let me worry About his little goo-goo eyes? Would you please? Fine.
I'd like to see you try To juggle all this bullshit With the network Crawling up your ass.
You know what This is about? You're just trying To get in good With jon stewart So that when He pushes me out You'll have a job.
You don't know what the fuck You're talking about.
Fuck i don't.
Excuse me, larry.
David duchovny's on line 2.
Oh, larry, Your girlfriend's On the phone.
You better hurry.
He's in a good mood Today.
Welcome back.
Our next guest is, uh, Has always been One of my favorites.
We're always lucky to have him When he's in town.
And his newest release is called all this useless beauty.
Please give a welcome To elvis costello.
Elvis! * I arose and marigold Lay down with curious iris * * Cherry gave to victor * * Her prudence and her virus * * For the sake of purity * * I can recall The time and place * * Between wisdom and murder * * She gave up Her immaculate face * * My poor belated chastity * * Fell foul Of grown-up games * * With false And lovely modesty * * I can recall The names i'll miss * * In the particle of me * * That cares for this * * I betrayed Those little atoms * * With a kiss * * Patience has Her virtue still * What are you doing? I'm mocking him Because he's an asshole.
* I took My better nature out * * And drowned it In the babbling stream * * Took the blossom Of my youth * * And i blew it all To smithereens * * My poor belated chastity * * Fell foul Of grown-up games * * With false And lovely modesty * * I can recall The names i'll miss * * In the particle of me * * That cares for this * * I betrayed Those little atoms * * With a kiss * Take 'em off.
Take 'em off.
* And if you still Don't like my song * * Then you can Just go to hell * * I don't care About right or wrong * * Or if my typewriter Can spell * * But i cannot promise you * * I've said good-bye To childish things * * There's still some Pretty insults left * * And such sport In threatening * * My poor belated chastity * * Fell foul Of grown-up games * * With false And lovely modesty * * I can recall the names I miss * * In the particle of me That cares for this * * I betrayed Those little atoms * * With a kiss * * And for the sake Of clarity * * They're faith, Hope, and charity * * In the particle of me That cares for this * * I betrayed Those little atoms * * With a kiss * [Applause and cheering.]
Elvis costello.
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
Director: clear! So, have you Taken the car up The pacific coast Highway yet? Uh, no, no, not yet.
I thought it might be A good idea To wait until It stops smoldering.
What-- what happened? It leaks-- It leaks gasoline, elvis.
That's what happened.
And when it's hot, That's a problem, Because one minute It is a car, And the next minute It is a goddamn bonfire, You prick.
It's not a car, It's a driving machine.
Man, i should've Learned my lesson When i bought That moped from sting.
There's your problem.
You don't buy Anything from sting.
Oh, save it for your Limey bullshit love songs, Will you, please? You owe me money, Asshole.
Director: in 5 [Sighs.]
It's always nice To be back.
We're back, And, uh, well, We're out of time.
I've got to wrap it up.
I can't believe the time Has gone by this quickly.
I want to thank p.
J.
O'rourke, Comedian kip addotta, And, of course, Elvis costello.
And we'll see you all Tomorrow night.
Of course, next week, Jon stewart will be Guest hosting.
And, uh, you may now flip.
Good night.
[Audience applauding, Theme music plays.]
Director: clear! Uh, larry, David duchovny's here.
Where? He's behind The curtain.
God! Hey, larry.
How you doing? David, hey.
Good to see you.
I got in early, So i just thought I'd drop by and say hi.
When did you get in? I just came in From the airport.
Just now? Yeah.
See if you'd Come by the beach.
If you want To come by.
Listen.
Can i-- Can i talk to you Over here a second? Yeah? Listen.
Um You know, i I am flattered That you are attracted To me and everything, But i don't think I can really respond, Because, clearly, you-- And i support it Completely-- are gay, And i'm straight.
That's, um, i'm-- That's ok.
I'm not-- I'm not gay.
I'm-- i'm also straight.
Well, i'm glad We talked about this.
But sometimes i do Wish that i was gay, Recently, because I find you Very attractive.
God.
Can i talk-- I-- i-- i-- i know that It's not a gay thing, Because the feeling That i have when I'm with you It's the kind of feeling That i normally have With a woman i like.
It's like a warmth Or a buzz.
It's definitely A heterosexual feeling, But it's directed At you.
It's very Confusing to me.
Do you understand that? I'm a little Uncomfortable.
Oh, god, 6:30.
I gotta run.
Larry Just telling elvis how-- Just how wonderful He was out there.
Oh, yeah.
You were great, Great tonight.
Too expensive to bring The whole band? Well, with what you pay me, You're lucky You got the guitar.
And by the way, How crazy is hank kingsley? Oh, he's got a little Mad cow disease.
Ah, we'll keep him Out of england.
Did he just Burn 'em up out there? What, are you kissing His ass now? Why not? Come on, elvis.
I'll buy you A pint of guinness.
Yeah, a spot of ale? Artie: yes! What's the matter With her? Who? Larry, dear boy.
I thought we understood Each other, arthur.
We do.
I told you to make sure Jon stewart Had good guests.
This morning, I get his lineup.
Sally struthers.
Funny.
Zsa zsa gabor.
She's hot.
Charles nelson reilly.
Hilarious.
Jamie farr? And joan embry.
Well, joan's bringing in A 20-foot snake And some wonderful footage Of a cow giving birth To a rare albino calf.
I have seen that Three times.
Oh, calm down.
I'm about to make you Very happy.
Good morning, Mr.
Sanders.
Good morning.
Hey, morning, larry.
Oh, dave, hey! How you doing? This is carol.
This is the friend Who i was visiting On the lot yesterday.
Nice to meet you.
Good morning.
Carol's gonna stay out At the beach house with me.
Oh, good.
Well, Have a good time.
Thanks.
Hey, could you give Larry and i just a minute? Oh, yeah.
Certainly.
Thanks.
You're not upset That i'm taking carol To the beach, are you? Don't be silly.
Of course not.
She's a nice girl.
Oh, good.
Well, i'm sorry I'm not gonna be On the show with you.
What are you Talking about? My agent called, Said the network Went ballistic And they put me back on With jon stewart.
God damn it.
Shit.
Larry? They're just not Supposed to do that.
God damn it! Shh! Shh.
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
God, you're really upset, Aren't you? God, you really care About me, don't you? Are you uncomfortable? A little bit.
Okay, i'll see you.
See you later.
Bye.
Did you see that? Yeah.
Next time, Kick him in the balls.
Yeah, but i looked Angry, right? Oh, really upset.
Yeah, angry as hell.
But i'll tell you, He'll never know That you're the guy That moved him To jon stewart.
Good.
Good.
You know, you talk To people on television, Next thing, They think that you're Their new best friend.
Mm-hmm.
Well, he is A friend of mine, you know.
Well, go with me On this.
It's my job To protect the host From people like that.
Oh, arthur, hi.
Charlie, How you doing, buddy? Fine.
Is jon stewart around? I'm gonna do the show With him again, And i thought maybe He'd like to go out And have a drink And, uh, talk.
He's in The conference room.
Oh, thank you.