The League s05e01 Episode Script

In a world where a man meets a woman, comes Andre.
Andre.
And Trixie.
Trixie.
Is this his wedding invitation? And this summer, they meet up in Top Groom.
Is she still allergic to his semen? Yeah.
Yup.
They should have called it Risky Jizzness.
Missionary Impossible.
Cum Far and Away from My Vagina.
Thighs Wide Shut.
Cum Man.
That doesn't make any sense.
It's Rain Man, but with cum.
A Few Good Semen.
You can't handle my cum! Whoa! So, please celebrate with us this Labor Day weekend.
In Los Angeles, the City of Andrels.
Oh, God.
That's terrible.
He's plowing her with his little angel donger.
Even in the afterlife, he's got a substandard peen.
All right, let the Sacko punishments begin.
I live for this.
There he is! Ruxin! Bam! Hello, Ruxin.
Hey, guys.
It's time.
Time for what? This is your day, bud.
Really? Here's Sacko! You're not supposed to wear the outfit.
Yeah, right.
You try not putting this thing on.
Taco, it's for him.
And, Rodney Ruxin, I can think of no better way to start off Sacko season than with your first punishment, which will include said Sacko suit with said Sacko balls, walking into a vegan restaurant, reading this.
"Don't you want me in your mouth?" Yeah! You know what I'm thinking? No.
Excuse me? No, I won't do it.
Okay, dum-dum here is really not getting it.
Listen to me, Ruxin.
You put the head on like this.
And then you run at people like this.
Check out my balls! You're gonna want to get the balls right up in there.
Oh, my God! No! Nice! Yes! You son of a bitch! Just like this, Ruxin.
How do you like that?! Yeah, I think I'm good.
No, no, you're not good.
You have to fulfill the Sacko duties.
Tell him he has to do it, Jenny.
Yeah, if you don't fulfill your Sacko duties, you're not in the league.
Ow, my fake testicles! Well, then I guess I'm not in the league.
I guess I quit.
What? Deuces.
You're quitting? Quit? Kevin, I had another accident in the suit.
This one's worse than McGibblets.
Hey! What's happening, fellas? Hey.
Nothing that interests you.
You're not in the league anymore.
Can't I just hang out with my bros? Your feigned disinterest is bullshit.
Top Groom reporting for duty.
Oh, boy.
That's right, it's me, Maverick, with a very important message to RSVP to my wedding, okay? You guys are the only people who have not RSVP'd to the wedding.
Because of that, your selection of avatars is gonna be pretty bad, so We're not doing wedding avatars.
We really don't want to have anything to do with this.
Why are you doing this in L.
A.
anyway, by the way? Uh, because Trixie's a huge fan of old Hollywood, and I am a huge fan of destination weddings.
Top Groom is old Hollywood? Totally.
But I get where all this is coming from.
Even though I'm getting married, I'm gonna be there for you a thousand percent.
You know what? Let's take it easy.
I think 30% is fine.
I'll take 20% and zero percent on weekends, please.
No, I'm giving you guys my all.
That's why I designated a room in my house to be my man cave.
That's right.
How many dudes can you fit inside your man cave? Normally like four, but I could probably fit about six or seven.
I bet you could stuff a bunch of dudes in that cave if the entrance is right.
Ideally I'd have men coming in and out all day long.
What's inside the man cave? Is there carpeting? Nope, all hard wood.
The man cave is all about hardcore fun action.
But what if a dude wants to, like, leave a cream pie in your man cave? Oh, my God, I would love it.
I'd actually request all of you bring cream pies to my man cave, 'cause you know I got a sweet tooth.
Oh, we got a message from Ted.
Ooh, nice.
Video message.
All right, Ted, what you got? Can you move that bottle so I can see the screen? No, this is league business.
It doesn't concern you.
I say we let him watch.
Behold, your champion.
I thought Ted was black.
I haven't seen you all in a while, but what better way to reconnect than by you all kissing my perfectly tanned, Californian championship ass.
Well, at least he's still a cocky dick.
I don't remember him being that good with sand.
Now, you're not gonna get ripped like me by working out only five minutes a day.
And you're not gonna get rich like me by working only five minutes a day.
But you can win a fantasy league filled with a bunch of idiots by spending only five minutes a day.
Honestly, winning was so simple.
The only thing easier is Andre's sister.
Come on.
She's such a slut.
The Ted draft will be held in California.
California? So I will see you all in Cali, bitches.
Learn how to draft.
California, a little sunshine, and by the way, there's already something that we have to do in California.
The wedding thing, right? Uh-huh, a little combo? Oh, yeah Destination draft.
No, destination wedding.
Destination draft.
It sounds better.
Yeah.
Ruxin, what do you think? Well, I'll probably go to the wedding, but I'm not in the league, I don't really give a shit about the draft.
Yeah, right, right, you don't care.
Ruxin, remember to pick your avatar.
Groot is still available.
Well, what do you mean you don't have room in your league? Right, that's why a 13-person league would be awesome.
You know what? I'm glad I fired you last month, Neil.
Go suck a D.
Yeah, I'm in.
Buddy, for real? Yeah, I'll be in your Domination League.
Ah, bro, you are not gonna regret this.
You are gonna love being in the Domination League.
Right, right, right.
Hey, man, where's your toilet paper? Wait, are you in my house right now? Yes, I'm in your house? Are you in the guest bathroom? Master bathroom.
Why didn't you use the guest bathroom? 'Cause I'm family? Oh, you know what? I'll just used this monogrammed toilet paper that's here.
No, Rafi, those are monogrammed towels I got for my wedding! Oh, God, it's like wiping peanut butter out of a shag carpet.
We want this cake to pop.
People are sick and tired of cakes that are sweet.
Right.
Yes, sweet is old fashioned.
It is passé.
We want to do something that people will remember.
You guys, I have some bad news.
We're not gonna be able to do the remote controlled flying cake that dogfights and shoots chocolate bullets.
When were you gonna tell us this? When did you think to tell us this? Right now, I thought would be a good time.
I just What are we gonna do now? I feel Wait a second.
I'm getting an idea.
What if we have a cake that you cut open and inside there's a cake.
No, a pie.
No Donuts! Oh! I'll check and see if that's something that we can do, and I'll get a couple more samples.
You're so smart.
You're so smart.
Wait, um, before I go, any allergies I should be aware of? No.
No.
Great.
Thanks.
Can we have some real talk for a sec? Absolutely.
I'm a little stressed out about this whole best man thing.
So I was thinking about maybe doing, like, a Bachelor style competition Oh! to figure out who the best man could be.
I love that.
And people love competition.
I'm so glad that I was able to jump that idea off you.
Well, I love you.
I love you.
Infinity.
You know, I was actually thinking maybe we could even have the draft over the wedding weekend, all the guys, everybody.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, no.
No, this is our special, happy, wonderful wedding weekend.
We're getting married.
You're not getting married to your league.
No.
You're right, I won't, we won't have the draft.
Mm.
I promise.
Thank you.
Ooh, what's this?! So this is a hamachi crudo cake Hello.
with salmon roe.
Mmm! Ooh! That wasabi? Yeah.
Wow, a fish cake.
That's really Still burns a little bit.
Babe, people are gonna love this.
Bad news.
I talked to Trixie, and she vetoed the draft for wedding weekend.
She doesn't have that power.
Absolutely not.
No! No.
We're having the draft.
Ted wants to have the draft in California.
That's where we're having it.
Yeah, but I'm the groom.
Yeah, but Shiva Bowl champion trumps groom.
Every time.
Second? That does not Come on.
But you're putting me in a really uncomfortable position here.
Just relax, okay? It's very simple.
Friday night is the bachelor party.
Guess who's not gonna be at the bachelor party? Ah, Andre.
No.
Trixie.
So we can draft there, and she won't know about it.
Secret draft.
Yeah.
No, no, no, guys.
That bachelorette party is at the exact same time, so So it looks like we'll be drafting while you have to have sex with Trixie.
What? There isn't gonna be any sex at the bachelorette party.
>I've had sex at every bachelorette party I've ever been to.
Oh, uh, film it.
You'll want those memories.
Good call.
Oh.
To the secret draft.
Secret draft.
Ooh Fine, but I'm not that comfortable with this.
Ah, who gives a shit? So, Andre, what's going on? Why the last-minute invite? This best man thing has been killing me.
Where is everybody else? But I made a decision.
Oh, no, no, get up.
Get up, please.
Pete Eckhart, will you be my best man? You're offering me a rose? It's not a rose.
It's a brose.
And this is a broposal.
Oh, Andre, I am so flattered.
And as much as I would love to be your best man, believe me, nothing would bring me more joy I just think about the other guys.
I mean, how would they feel? There could be a lot of hurt feelings, Andre.
A lot of jealousy.
We all love you so much.
And that's why I think it would be prudent if you chose Taco.
Pete.
Ruxin.
Kevin.
You're so wise.
Yeah.
Good talk.
Andre I will be your best man.
What? Yeah.
That way, you can go back to the guys and say, "I couldn't possibly pick between the four of you, so I went with Jenny.
" That's a great idea.
Yeah.
Then none of my bros will be upset.
Right.
Instead of my goose, you're gonna be my gander.
Yeah.
This is gonna be fun.
Not for you, but for me.
For you, it's gonna be a lot of hard work.
No, I mean, I think I the day of, I just stand there and I give you the ring.
I help with the bachelor party and Sex tips? I need 'em.
Dirty stuff.
Oh, God.
Nice sweats, Gander.
Stop looking at my ass, Ruxin.
Los Angeles-- loosely translated to "Lost Angels.
" And this weekend is gonna be a Andre spectacular.
I'm talking about performance art, I'm talking about a gypsy carnival.
Oh, what is this? Whoa! Hey! Hey, guys.
How are ya?! Good to see you.
Good to see you, man! How are ya, Taco? Ted used to just crush ass in high school.
I did.
We called him "lady killer.
" I did.
Crushed.
Crushed 'em.
Hey, Sacko.
How you doing, buddy? I'm not The Sacko.
I'm not in the league.
Oh, really? Yeah.
It's a shame.
He's gonna miss a hell of a draft and bachelor party.
Draft on the down low.
Uh, everyone, cheers, please.
Wow.
Thank you so much, Ted.
Bubbly.
You look amazing.
What have you been up to? Yeah! Thank you.
Thanks.
Just, uh, clean living.
Lost, you know, 72 pounds.
Whoa.
I mean, what's going on with you? You come out here, you get all skinny.
You don't come visit us in Chicago.
Well, no, I've had a crazy few years, and I actually wanted to tell you about it.
Um, I have AIDS.
Seriously, I do.
Oh.
Lady killer, huh? No.
Wait-- you have AIDS or HIV? No, no, I had HIV.
Now I have AIDS.
Full-blownsies? Yep.
I'm so sorry, Ted.
Uh Not a big deal.
I'm the same Ted, all right? I'm feeling great, I've been taking my cocktail.
So everything's good.
Honestly, I've never felt better.
I just want you to know that, as a doctor, if you ever need anything, I am more than happy to Andre, AIDS doesn't need a calf implant.
Everything's fine.
Cheers! Okay.
To AIDS.
To forgetting about it.
To forgetting about it.
What AIDS, right? I drank out of all those glasses.
Mm! What? Okay, that's What? I'm kidding! I'm kidding.
I think it's awesome that you have AIDS.
I mean, you get to use that special lane on the highway.
Oh, no, that's HOV.
Ah, HOV.
Now that's the disease you want.
Whoa-whoa! Whoa! Oh, shit.
Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! You invited Rafi to your wedding? No, I didn't.
He found out about it.
Ooh-ooh! Rafi's here! Hey.
Take this to my room.
Oh, Jesus! Don't What'd I miss? Sorry I'm late.
Ruxin made fun of Andre's shirt and Ted has AIDS.
Nice shirt.
Seriously? Wait a minute.
What? Yeah.
Dude, you got the AIDS? Yep.
I'm about to do you a real solid here.
All right.
Every morning, take a baby aspirin, okay? If you're gonna fly, take two.
That's it? Boom.
That shit will be gone in a month.
Yes! Welcome! Who's ready to draft? Wow, Ted, amazing.
Good to see you.
Yeah.
Ladies, uh, could we, uh, get my friends lubricated, please? Thank you.
Well, nothing says bachelor draft like scantily clad women in Sticker Bitch shirts.
Yes.
Guys What? this is supposed to be a secret draft.
Andre, it says "Secret fantasy draft.
" Bold letters just screaming it.
I know, but everyone will know it's a secret.
Secret draft! Secret draft! Quiet! Shh! Quiet! Come on, please! Okay, so are we all here? Are we ready? Uh, yeah, Chuck's in rehab again, though.
Well, that just leaves What? Sir? What? Would you like to join us for the draft? Oh, I'm not drafting.
I'm not participating in the fantasy football league this year.
Really? You're gonna stand five feet from us and you're not gonna draft? Yeah, I'm in Los Angeles to celebrate the union of the two classiest, most tasteful people I know.
Hey! Yeah.
You are so full of it.
I'll be at the bar drinking alone.
Guys, he's really missing out because this is gonna be a draft to remember.
I guarantee you.
There he is.
What? You guys are familiar with the bone-crushing power of the of the Year J.
J.
Watt? Yeah.
He's the bachelor, huh? That's the guy.
Uh, indeed I am.
I've seen, uh, a lot of bachelor party punishments in my day, and this is the worst, the worst I've seen.
Okay, first of all, it's not a punishment, and I'll have you know it's part of the Rob Kardashian collection, so yeah.
Oh, that's why you look like a blind kid at his first rave.
Drinks are here.
Everyone drink up.
The champion declares this draft party in session.
Thank you.
Very generous.
Ted is just hanging out with J.
J.
Watt like it's a normal thing, like they're friends.
I got to say Ted has improved somehow.
Full-blown Ted has a better life than we have.
Kevin, he has AIDS.
We should be so lucky.
Yeah, I would like the AIDS-vantage that Ted has.
Now, let's face it.
Full-blown Ted's got a less restricted sex life than Andre.
To Ted.
Ted! I'll drink to that.
What's this-- a dumb dildo convention? Where are you pulling these hot dogs from? Pocket dogs.
I always got a hot dog in my pocket-- you want one? I don't want any pocket dogs.
Okay, fine.
I don't even want to be in this league.
Do you know what I mean? Who does? Domination League-- now we're talking.
Now you're playing with the big boys.
Yeah.
Speaking of Mm-hmm.
You're not posting at all on the message board.
Everybody's freaking out.
Rafi, from what I can tell, the message board is just a chat room for a bondage Web site.
You're not wrong.
What is that? Oh, good, you brought the drugs.
No, this is Ted's AIDS cocktail.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I put two and two together.
That guy doesn't win a championship for eight years, and then he starts to take these little babies and wins one, huh? Do we all see what's going on here? Please, do not take those.
Oh, I already took them.
What? Yeah, I ate a whole bag full.
A lot.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Are we ready to start the next year of my championship? Ruxin, last chance.
Are you in or out? I'm out like white blazers.
Nice one, man.
Up top.
I'll never touch your hand.
Yeah, that's a good call.
There's something really messed up with my nails.
I'll just manage two teams.
You're not taking Ruxin's spot.
No, no, no, you guys.
Come on.
Look who you're dealing with.
I took care of it.
What? Is he gonna do it for real? He's gonna do it.
How many teams are we working with? We're rocking We're solid.
We keep it tight, you know? eight.
Eight? That's pretty weak.
But I'll do it.
Yeah! Yes! J.
J.
Watt! Aw, man, I don't know who that is.
As the Sacko commmmissioner, I would like to propose one rule change.
I know we all love the name of our beloved Sacko trophy, but I have discovered one name that is is even more symbolic of that which you do not want to be.
I give you the Ruxin.
What? Oh, my God! That is horrible.
Look at that.
Oh, my God, you captured his vinegar strokes.
With an ode to his herdsmanship.
Wait, why is there a statue of Joe Paterno with my name on it? Here, come here, let me hold it.
Here you go.
Oh, man.
Yeah, I don't touch that.
Joke's on you because I'm the one who's cumming.
It looks like his head sat in gum.
When you're in a Domination League, we're talking 12 teams, PPR.
This is a keeper league, so if you got a QB you like, you got a cute girl that one of us knows, you want to keep her, you're allowed.
All right, you're up, J.
J.
First pick for Ruxin, make it pretty.
I think this team needs a defense, and I think it's gonna be the Houston defense.
Yes! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Yes, defense! No, no, no, you animal! You got a problem with the Houston D? No, I don't have a problem with the Houston D.
You know, I think J.
J.
doesn't have too much time, so we should let him just take his second round pick.
Cool, cool, cool.
Hey, Blaire, come on in.
Hey, what's up? How you doing, man? Good to see you.
Blair Walsh, kicker for the Minnesota Vikings.
Of course.
Close, personal friend.
Go ahead, take a pick, pal.
First pick in the second round.
What does this team need? Adrian Peterson probably.
I think maybe the kicker.
Yes! How about Blair Walsh? No no! A defense in the first round, a kicker in the second round? This is insane! I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Oh, that's right, you're not in the league anymore.
Fine! I will do whatever you want.
I will rejoin the league, okay? Okay, but you are going to take that team as it is.
Fine, I'll still whip all your asses.
Even with the Houston D and the Blair Kick Project here.
Not before you do your Sacko punishments.
Recognize this guy? Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
Where the hell do you think you're going? I'm going to rejoin my league.
Excuse me? Because last I checked, you joined my league! Yeah, and I'm unjoining your league.
You can't unjoin the Domination League! You have sworn yourself to the hands of these people! So what? I vouched for you, okay? This looks bad on me! This dishonors me, and all I have is my honor! Oh, right, you're like a samurai, huh, Rafi? I am a samurai! Rafi, your toilet and your goddamn kitchen occupy the same metal tub.
Just like a samurai! These things itch.
Things I do for my friends.
It's just ridiculous.
Oh, my God! Yeah, you got Ruxin.
I'll do whatever you guys want.
Just, Andre, keep your hands away from my tush, okay? No promises.
Who's that? What the hell is this? What the hell? Welcome to the Domination League.
We doing the draft? No, we're not doing a draft.
It's a league meeting.
Jesus, Spazinelli, we told you it's obviously not the draft-- we don't have gerbils or hot sauce.
We have nothing, I mean We don't have anything.
We should use our deeper voices.
Yeah, use the deep voices, guys.
I think the deep voices are only when we have the masks on.
Well, we didn't No one clarified it before The masks are exactly how we were gonna do it You're Dirty Randy.
Yeah! Wait, Russell? Yes, it's me.
No, it's a porcelain murder doll.
You guys, I'm not in the Domination League.
Oh, but you are in the Domination League.
The only way to get out of this league is to die.
Or be killed.
Bow! Bloh! Bow! You can never leave.
It's like the Hotel California.
Exactly.
But with more teeth and puss.
Wasn't the Hotel California kind of a sad, puss-y place? Okay, it's exactly like the Hotel California.
Only less douchey Don Henley bullshit.
Do not insult Don Henley! You guys need to get your act together! And until you do, I'm not gonna be in this league! You're not going anywhere! You're not anywhere, pretty boy.
You're not going anywhere, pretty, pretty boy.
You just checked in to the hotel.
Spaz! Spaz, we moved on.
What is wrong with you? Everybody, shut up.
Ruxin, you need to be punished for shunning the Domination League.
Prepare to be hunted.
And then we're gonna skin you and wear you like a coat.
Chill out, Spaz.
Spaz.
Spazinelli, calm down, these are just paintball guns.
I'm so confused.
Are we actually gonna kill him or not? No, we're not gonna kill anybody.
Is that a trident made of dildos? I do not know what a trident is, but these are dildos.
Hey, Ruxin.
Run, rabbit, run.
Oh, God, Rafi, please, please! Make it stop! It'll stop when you're dead.
Are we using our deep voices or our normal voices? I think this one's broken, guys.
Please, no!