The Nanny s05e01 Episode Script

Previously on "The Nanny" Miss Fine, Niles just had a heart attack.
( Gasps ) Oh, I'll tell you.
It really makes you think, doesn't it? How unpredictable life can be? That's right.
That's why you have to live every day to the fullest.
You never know when it's going to be your last.
Nope.
( Applause ) Fran: Oh, Mr.
Sheffield.
( laughter ) Niles, I'm so glad you're awake.
How are you feeling? Is there anything I can get for you? Well, I would like another pillow.
Of course.
( Screaming ) ( laughter ) I'll tell you, Niles, if I don't talk to someone soon, I'll get an ulcer.
Yes, and God knows your health should be what's foremost on our minds.
( laughter ) Niles, when I was in that hospital bed with Miss Fine I just lost all self-control.
I I I became like a like a wild animal.
I just threw her down on the bed and practically, my God, I practically ravaged her.
And he was so gentle, he was like a little lamb.
( laughter ) I was so intoxicated.
My head was railing.
You know, he sat on a Demerol needle? ( laughter ) Didn't even know.
Then what happened? Then? We got to second base.
( Gasps ) Oh, Fran, I only hope that happens to me someday.
Oh, sir, I only hope that happens to me some day.
( laughter ) I tell you, Niles, if CC hadn't walked in when she did, I don't know what would have happened.
Well, how do you stop yourself when you're about to make love to a beautiful woman? Well, usually I wake up.
( laughter ) I I'm just afraid, Niles, that Miss Fine might I might have left her with the impression that things were moving a little faster than they really are.
What am I supposed to do? Well, you could admit that you love the woman and marry her.
Or you could invent some stupid ploy like redecorating the room to distract her and buy yourself more time.
Good, that's good.
Let's do that one.
( laughter ) ( laughter ) Fran, I really have to go.
But, Val, I have so many more things to tell you.
You're my best friend.
I need you.
Miss Fine.
Ciao.
( laughter ) Miss Fine, I have to talk to you about our relationship and the way it seems to have escalated.
Now wait a minute here, you said "our relationship" and "escalated" in the same sentence.
Should I book a hall? ( laughter ) I discussed this whole thing with Niles and he suggested I invent some stupid ploy to distract you and try to slow things down.
( laughs ) Did you fire him? ( laughter ) But I said "I don't want to distract her.
" I say "Let this relationship grow, let it blossom.
" She's a beautiful woman, "she's warm, tender, caring" My God, this room looks shabby.
( laughter ) Eh? You know, I don't think it's been redone for ages.
Say, would you like to redecorate it? - Me? - Great! Wonderful! Take all the time you need.
I don't care if it takes weeks, months, a year and a half would be perfect.
( laughter ) Oh, my God.
This sucks.
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran.
Surprise! I got a pecan coffee cake.
Oh, what's the surprise, Ma? You brought it all the way here and then arrived home? ( laughter ) Oh.
Look at Miss Cocky Comedienne now that she's got a boyfriend.
( laughter ) Oh, Ma, it's over.
Mr.
Sheffield does not want to deal with what happened.
In fact, he gave me some stupid project just to distract me.
Well, you just make him deal with it.
How, Ma, by getting on my hands and knees and begging like some desperate, lonely loser? Although they say that third time's the charm.
( laughter ) Well, if he thinks redecorating is gonna change He's letting you redecorate? - Yeah.
- He wants your taste in his house? Which room? I'll give you a hint, the one with the refrigerator.
The bedroom.
( laughter ) The kitchen.
Ay, the heart of the home.
Mazel tov, darling, he's moving your relationship to the next level.
Ay, but, Ma, when am I gonna get to the ultimate level with him already? You mean, the wedding.
Okay.
( laughter ) What are you doing? This spice rack is not going to go with your new motif.
Oh, this is so exciting.
You're going to have a ring on that finger before I can say, "Do you people move refrigerators?" ( laughter ) So, Niles, when did the doctor say you can start working again? Oh, could be four weeks, six months, a year ( laughter ) You know, one of the reasons why I didn't move into a dorm is because we have a butler.
( laughter ) Hi.
Oh, Miss Fine, you shouldn't be carrying such a heavy load on your own.
- Niles? - Margaret.
- Brighton.
- Gracie.
- Fran.
- Sit! Oh, hi, Ma, what are you doing back here? A mother can't come by to say hello to her daughter? ( laughter ) Darling, why are you lugging all that stuff? I raised you to be a pointer, not a schlepper.
Why don't you call your big shot decorator cousin Sheila from Forest Hills? Who, by the by, has just finished doing the entire Kennedy compound.
George Kennedy, Ma.
( laughter ) And, besides, if I want to prove to Mr.
Sheffield what a great wife I can be, I have to do this whole thing myself and show him that I can be a real Martha Stewart.
This, by you, is a role model? Why? Where is Martha Stewart today? Divorced.
Well, Mr.
Sheffield's wife decorated this entire house all by herself.
And where is she today? ( laughter ) I rest my case.
( laughter ) Okay, Ma, now, before I make a total fool of myself, what did you tell cousin Sheila? That I own this house, I'm married to Mr.
Sheffield and I have a butler? No, I told her you're a nanny.
( laughter ) What are you, stoned? ( laughter ) Hi! ( Applause ) - Hi! - Hey! I hope you're not getting makeup on my Valentino original that I got from Bergdorf's.
No, I just smeared a little on your knockoff from Loehmann's.
( laughs ) So, Sheila, how's your sister Claudine? She should only rot in hell.
She never paid me back the $2,200 dollars I loaned her to pay off her car, that lowlife piece of trash.
( laughter ) Well, Sheila, why don't you talk to her? I'm too nice.
Meanwhile, I ran into cousin Meryl in Central Park and she was all over Naomi Tempo's husband.
- Oh! - Yep.
And you didn't call me? ( laughter ) You know, I don't like to gossip.
( laughter ) So, Sheila, did your father ever come back from picking up a pack of smokes 20 years ago? Ma.
What? I'm not so nice and I like to gossip.
( laughter ) So, Sheila, I'll tell you I was sorry to hear about you and Mitch.
Why did he leave you? What? I couldn't leave him.
( laughter ) All right, why did you leave him? I'm not going to stay when somebody dumps me.
( laughter ) So, look, I brought you a sample of the wallpaper, here, the motif I want to use in your cucina.
( laughter ) Oysters I don't know, where have I seen this before? Red Lobster.
Well, you told me you wanted things to heat up between you and Mr.
Sheffield.
It's a vomitose pattern.
It's an aphrodisiac.
Does it come in fabric? ( laughter ) - Oh Franny.
- What? I'm just looking at this, it puts me in the mood, you know, and I start to miss Mitch.
( Crying ) - Clock! - Oh.
Yeah, yeah, I see a big clock right over that door with, uh, the accentuation of two giant pairs of antlers.
A major aphrodisiac.
Since when are antlers a major aphrodisiac? Hello? Horny? ( laughter ) Oh, God, I miss Mitch so much.
( Crying ) Cabinets! ( laughter ) What have you got? Decorator's Tourette's? Franny, I really thought that Mitch was the one.
And when I met him, right away I wanted him to like me so much I started making plans right away for a nose job, a boob job, a liposuction.
Well, it's a good thing you didn't get all that done ( laughter ) by a quack.
You look fabulous, honey.
Gorgeous.
- Don't I? - Yes.
The thing is, Franny, I know he really loves me.
Give him a chance.
He'll come around.
It's like me and Mr.
Sheffield.
As God as my witness, I have never pushed.
( laughter ) You just give him some time.
Time? Forget about it, we were friends for four years before we even went to second base and right away after that he dumped me.
No, not right away, I mean first he asked me to redecorate a room in his house.
( Gasps ) ( laughter ) I can't feel my left side, my arms are numb.
Mr.
Sheffield asked me to decorate this room right after we got to second base.
Oh, why doesn't he like me? ( laughter ) Oh, it's not your fault, honey.
It's just the men in this darn culture.
Why don't they appreciate confident, vital women? Well, they do if she's 20.
Well, what are women in our late 20s supposed to do? ( laughter ) And if it's this difficult for us, what's it like for poor older women? How the hell are they gonna find a man? Congratulate me.
I'm engaged.
( laughter ) Fran: Oh, my God.
That's gotta be at least three carats.
And that's the small one.
Take a look at this one Sammy got for me.
Aw! See, that's why it's good to marry someone 89.
He forgot he bought me this one.
( laughter ) Oh, yeah, that Sammy's got incredible taste.
Who's Sammy? ( laughter ) The guy you're engaged to.
I'm engaged? ( laughter ) Oh, I gotta tell the girls in the home.
Hey, Esther, Polly, I'm getting Married.
Ooh.
I'll tell you, Sheila, our 85-year-old grandmother is getting married before we are.
What does she have that we don't? Removable teeth? ( laughter ) I can't believe Mr.
Sheffield is dumping me.
Look at this, it's his favorite little teapot.
( laughter ) Whoops.
Franny, I cannot believe that you did that when this lovely vase is so much more expensive.
( laughter ) Hahaha.
- Men.
Who needs 'em? - Yeah.
( Phone ringing ) Mitch! ( laughter ) ( grunts ) How many was that? One.
( laughter ) - What do you say we take a lunch? - ( door closes ) ( laughter ) He is making me hold his sweaty ankles while he does sit-ups.
And he's wearing really baggy shorts.
Are you getting the picture here? ( laughter ) Now, Brighton, the man has just had a heart attack.
We have to try to show a little more consideration.
- Daddy? - Why did you say "daddy"? That way he's going to know I'm out here.
Sir, my tea's lukewarm, would you mind? ( laughter ) Fran, Mr.
Sheffield is not going to dump you.
You and Sheila do not lead parallel lives.
Does she still have that stupid best friend? ( laughter ) Oh, I am so getting dumped.
Now, meanwhile, this room is stunning.
But where's the aphrodisiac effect? I don't see it.
( Gasps ) Oh, my God.
( laughter ) Whoa, that working out is paying off big time, mister.
( laughter ) Pick you up at 8:00.
Wear something - Velcro? - ( growls ) ( laughter ) Toriello.
Looking good.
( laughter ) Well, at least somebody's getting some use out of my new cucina.
( phone ringing ) Hello? Hey, cous, guess who's in the Caribbean getting Bain de Soleil'ed? ( laughter ) Sheila: Oh, yes.
Ooh, yes.
Oh, Mitch.
Mitch! She got back together with Mitch.
I'm going to get back together with Mr.
Sheffield! Franny, you're going to have to find yourself a new decorator, because Mitch wants me to quit my job.
And I never have to work again.
( laughter ) Oh, I have to work, I just have to find a new career.
Mitch says my taste nauseated him.
( laughter ) Can you believe that that's why he broke up with me? Well, we're together now, and I've never been happ Oh, my God.
- You gotta take this out of here.
- I can't.
What do you mean you can't? What's the matter with you? Are you Mrs.
Sheffield! A psychic, please, God.
Oh, Miss Fine, I have to say I think the kitchen is now my favorite room in the house.
Welcome to the Fine family.
( laughter ) Perhaps we should have dinner here from now on.
Or dessert.
( laughter ) So you like what you see? Lovely.
Maybe I should do you in the dining room.
( laughter ) I should have you do the dining room next? Are you sure, Mr.
Sheffield? That's a pretty big step.
I had half a cup of coffee left.
( laughter ) Where were we? Miss Fine, about what happened in the hospital Save it, honey, you think I didn't know that you concocted this whole decorating scheme just to distract me? But you really didn't have to come up with such a ruse.
Don't you think that we're both above that? ( laughter ) Miss very Fine.
( laughter ) These drapes won't fit with your new motif.
( laughter ) ( applause ) Here, put something in your mouth.
You got lipstick on your teeth.
You got chocolate on yours.
( laughing )