The Office (US) s05e01 Episode Script

Episode 5x01 "Weight Loss" (1.
01) All right, everybody.
This is your last meal.
So eat up.
From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom.
We need to keep our starting weights high.
So we can lose more.
This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches.
Whichever branch loses the most weight gets 3 extra vacation days.
- What should we do with the leftovers? - I'm taking the dumplings for my wife.
No, this is your last meal.
There will be no leftovers.
I can bring these to my shelter.
I'm taking my dumplings.
There.
Take those home to your wife.
- Dwight, Dwight! - Michael, it's time! Hit the scales, everybody.
Get right on that black platform.
This way.
Step it up.
Don't go breaking my scale.
I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding.
Because I really want to have washboard abs.
The first time Angela sees me naked.
Ex-squeeze me.
No, I will ex-squeeze you.
OK everybody, get used to this.
Because we are going to be standing here briefly every monday for the next seven mondays.
Wait a minute.
One more bite of eclair each.
Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Really? Nothing? You all need to learn some portion control.
Wait a minute.
Pam is on the scale.
Pam-cake, no.
We would love your extra poundage, but you're going to be leaving us next week, so Vamos.
- OK.
- Vamos, Pam.
- Dunder Mifflin Family only.
- Family only.
All right, got it.
You weigh 226 pounds? - Almost, Kevin.
- Not almost though, Holly.
I mean, not close to 200.
- Math is hard.
- Yeah.
Just We'll just keep going.
All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast - and a case of Diet Coke.
- Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.
Stanley, come on.
I forgot something in my car.
I'll see you guys up there.
I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons.
The truth is I have lost a little of my speed.
A little of my fire.
Here's what I used to look like.
Look at those biceps.
We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.
And arch your back.
And slowly bring up your head.
- Jimbo.
- They moved the shower? Did you see Holly's butt? Nope, I didn't.
- You know why? - Why? Cause most of the time friends don't talk about other friend's butts.
- I know.
- But what have you learned about her? I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year.
I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds.
I learned that she has read Lonesome Dove three times.
- Nice.
- And that her butt refuses to quit! Well, I tried.
You have You have to agree with me.
That's insane.
- I'll just go later.
- I thought you had to pee.
If you're into yoga, I take a great Bikram class in Dickson City.
Thanks, I should check that out.
Also, and no pressure, the teacher, he's a catch.
- Actually, I'm a lesbian.
- I'm gay.
- I'm not a lesbian.
- I don't know why I said that.
- Stupid joke.
- What's the joke? There is no joke.
I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately, and I'm not really looking to date, so Maybe I should switch to women.
You think it's a choice? I'm gonna head back to my work area and just I'm messing with you, Holly.
I knew that.
So you have the directions? You have a toothbrush? - You have a cell phone charger? - I have everything.
Tomorrow I start a three month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York.
I will be a little fish in the Big Apple.
What up, 212? Fax this for me.
Come on, she goes to New York in like, 10mn.
It's not gonna take her If I don't see you again, goodbye.
Well, actually I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind.
Ang ela.
Under my Angerela - What? - Hey, check it out.
This is The Breakers.
Newport, Rhode Island.
Huge awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic.
And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper.
Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.
This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.
I don't care.
How do you feel about Maine? I'm on it.
I'll see you later, love.
We done good in there, half-pint.
That was the last time, Dwight.
I mean it.
Monkey I have a fiance I very much like.
- What happened? - I wrote you a goodbye poem.
It's really long.
I left it up in my office.
Could you please wait till I go get it? - I should really get going.
- No! The last word is "seagulls".
- I'm sure it was really lovely.
- I took a lot from other poems.
- Call me when you get in.
- OK, bye.
- All right, call - No, Michael.
Why haven't I proposed yet? Actually, Pam and I talked about it, and we just decided that Well, we didn't want to spend the first And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement.
Something in her past, I guess.
Not really sure of the whole story.
Something about a guy who used to work here.
Same places as last week.
- Doesn't matter.
- Yes it does.
This is about weight displacement.
We have to have the same weight distribution.
Right here.
There we go.
Let's move that up.
There we go.
Fancy meeting you here.
All right.
OK, everybody smile.
You lost 31 pounds.
- All right! - Yes! Can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly.
And I think I know why.
It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.
I'm Mc Mike Scott And I am hot She's Dj Jazzy Flax And she is the best All those sucker branches Can suck our fat Dunder Mifflin.
This is Ronnie.
I don't really know Ronnie.
But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years.
And eventually declare my love for her.
Sorry I'm late.
I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery.
Which is my terrible segue into our course: Expressive typography in new media.
I'm in the wrong class.
Some of you may remember from last semester.
I am professor Monaghan and Looks like I'm boring someone already.
- No, I just - Please sit down.
- You're shaking.
Are you all right? - Just leave me alone! I am on the third day of my cleanse diet.
All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and water, for all three meals.
I just bought some bikinis online, size 2.
So Gonna look amazing! Hi, can I help you? I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow.
- Hey, Jan.
How's the candle game? - Hi.
Great, yeah.
Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names.
Remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil? Cool.
Thank god they found her too.
They found her? Hey, Jan.
Hello, baby! How are you? Good to see you.
Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't.
Come on, let's go in.
When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he lead us to believe that he was the father by telling us that he was the father.
Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet? - That's his ex.
- She's very beautiful.
Yes, she is.
And clinically insane.
So listen I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number.
Listen, dummy, it's not that hard.
All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet.
A g.
d.
monkey could do it.
I don't understand why you can't do it.
You do not talk to him like that! But he's an idiot! - He is not an idiot.
- Thank you, Holly.
He is mentally challenged.
But he's doing a super job here.
Wait, back up.
Do you think that I'm retarded? Dwight Holly, that is very offensive.
I'm sorry.
So Since my little lady has such particular impossible to perceive taste, I have made non-refundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales.
Hot air balloons over Napa Valley.
World-famous Walt Disney's Epcot center.
Scuba Diving Wedding in the Bahamas.
And the Wilkes-Barre Marriott, ballroom C.
Dangerous, tacky, sharks, haunted - Hurry, we have to make this fast.
- Let's do this thing.
I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows.
I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30.
That's how I sleep at night.
All right, I am connecting.
And you are not there.
Did you install it right? How about this? Go to applications - I can see you! - All right! This is so cool! So what is going on, girl in the computer? Lunch with a girl from my hall.
Ceramics class.
Then dinner by myself.
I'm gonna watch HGTV, and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.
Can you turn the girl off, please? I'm trying to get some work done.
No way! Pam Beesly! Hey, everybody, look, Pam! Pam! Say hi! Say hi to Pam.
Don't we all look skinny? Almost dropped you.
Can you put me down? I'm getting nauseous.
Pam, I would like you to meet Ronnie.
We call her Rice-a-ronnie.
She is hilarious.
She is wonderful.
A beam of light in this dark, dark office.
Not really so much.
All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day.
The nerve.
Calm down, weirdo.
It's just a joke.
She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? Is that she can't find those little colored paperclips I like so much.
- Would you help her find 'em, please? - They're on the supply shelf.
Let's go.
We are following Pam to the supply shelf.
Let us go.
New york is so exciting.
I love my classes.
The city's awesome.
Can you give me back to Jim now, please? OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts.
for a grand You all gained five pounds back.
Damn it! Come on! Oh, my god! Come on, Bernard.
- Here we go.
Everybody on.
- All right, we're set.
Still good.
You guys lost a pound.
You lost one pound.
I was under IV for two days at the hospital.
I lost 4 pounds.
I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost 4 pounds.
Angela, you'll go to the supermarket and get the New York cheesecake.
Make sure it's the generic one.
It's Stanley's favorite.
Yes, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee.
I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.
How's it going? - It's going well.
- Good.
I have a crazy idea.
What if we did fruit instead of cake? Cake? Who suggested cake? Phyllis.
We lost weight today.
I think it's OK to reward ourselves once in a while.
Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis.
What is wrong with these people? They have no will power.
I went I once went 28 years without having sex.
And then again for seven years.
Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country? - Shotgun weddings.
- That's not what that is.
Fright.
Being scared to death.
- Obesity-caused illnesses.
- Obesity-caused illnesses.
Thank you.
Holly's right.
People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days.
This is about a very cool H.
R.
initiative That if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity.
- So how much are we gonna lose? - I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Yes! All right.
Who else? Angela, can I put you own for 10 pounds? No, my doctor wants me to gain weight.
If you gain weight, you will die.
I want you to live forever.
I want us all to live forever.
How are we gonna do this? Cryogenics.
Beer me five.
This is how we're gonna do it.
I'm asking each of you to lose 5 pounds.
That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
All right, I'm taking off.
- Booty call.
- Nope, just going to see Pam.
- Maybe put up some shelves.
- Wait a second.
I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.
OK, thank you for this.
- You want more? - No.
I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things.
It's not my problem.
"A thousand-year-old church in the continental United States.
"There has to be a rainbow.
- "24-hour veterinarian on call".
- That is very important to me.
So I have work to do.
Just do it.
Sweetheart.
Just so you know, I don't care where we get married.
I'll marry you right here in this building.
I'll marry you in the parking lot.
I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane, in the middle of a snowstorm, on top of a monsoon.
All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.
I know I haven't made this easy on you.
That's so rude of me.
Have you seen, Pam's new art? It's right there.
Check it out.
Just when I've begun To get myself together You waltz right in the door It's a pretty lame party.
Does anyone want to dance? 'Round your little finger Here you come again Collins has pitched a near-perfect game so far.
And popped up Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk.
So I'm in here waiting it out.
Stanley, Michael's not here.
You can eat a slice of your birthday cake.
I don't like cake anymore.
Why not, dawg? Taste changed.
Now all I like is Baklava.
Michael, we have a situation.
They should not be in that room.
- That's so lame they didn't invite us.
- You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them.
Let's go mini-golfing.
Yeah? Could I have a rain check on the mini golf? I actually have a date tonight.
It'll probably be a total disaster, but I think you'll have fun because men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time.
Not that guy who murdered his mother.
He was not so handsome.
- Also Kevin.
- You know what? We're pretty much done here today.
Why don't you just take off early? Really? That's sweet.
- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
Holly doesn't need luck.
Everyone that meets her instantly loves her.
Party's over! You are so busted! OK, everybody.
Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit? - You said fruit, Michael.
- And what is that? Cake.
You know, we're gonna have to try a little bit harder if we are going to win this thing.
Happy birthday, Stanley.
It's king of a good news, bad news situation.
The bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week.
But the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are.
So corporate upped the prize to 5 days.
So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off.
- What? - Nothing.
It's just some of us are taking this really seriously.
I swallowed a tapeworm last night.
It's going to grow up to 3 feet inside of me, And then eats all my food so that I don't get fat.
And then after 3 months, I take some medicine and then I pass it.
Creed sold it to me.
It's from Mexico.
That wasn't a tapeworm.
How's my favorite branch doing? All right.
Ronnie was Things were at an all-time sad here.
But then I got an email from Ryan that he was coming back to town.
And I called the temp agency, I told them, "I will pay you any amount.
"Just give me Ryan Howard.
Give him to me.
"I want him.
I need him.
" - And you got a goatee.
- I did.
Did you get that after you helped me move - and you saw mine? - Yes.
Gooo-atee! Fire-ed guy! That's really funny.
- Great to see you, Kev.
- You too.
I'm keeping a list of everyone who wrongs me.
So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry.
Kevin just made the list.
I wanted to apologize for how I treated you last year.
I lost sight of myself.
And now that I've quit the rat race, I realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history.
I've even started volunteering.
Giving back to the community.
That's great.
You're talking about your court-ordered ommunity service? I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
But he did, right? - All right.
- All right.
Well, you lost zero pounds.
No change.
On the brighter side, you gained zero pounds.
You know what? I can't do this by myself, people.
Kelly and I are the only ones who either passed out or almost passed out.
Damn it, I need these 5 days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking? Let's just all try and work harder, OK? No, I want names! This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life.
I haven't had a very hard life.
- So how was your date? - 8.
5.
I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt.
But he's cute, right? What's wrong? Close the door.
- This is your fault.
- No.
Your stupid "friend zone.
" I should've been lovers with her first and then friends.
That was terrible advice.
Terrible advice! You know my seduction method.
I like to get in there and get my hands dirty.
You sabotaged me.
You sabotaged me, man.
Attention! We only have a few weeks left, and most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
How much weight have you lost? - I'm hardly the problem.
- You're definitely the problem.
This is what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna randomly select 3 names, and these 3 people will get liposuction.
Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin.
And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.
Hello, Ryan.
You look well.
I wanted to say I'm sorry for treating you bad the past couple of years.
I was in my mid-twenties, and I was going through a lot of stuff.
I think I never really processed 9/11.
I want you to know I've changed.
- Cool.
- We should get a drink later, catch up.
Pick me up around 8:00? That is so sweet, But I'm dating Darryl still, and we're, like, crazy in love, so Well, maybe I'll see you around.
It's a small office.
Hey, Phyllis, do you have a minute? Listen I'm really sorry about what I said before, OK? I was way out of line.
Yes, you were.
But you know what? I want to make it up to you.
There is a surefire sale, but it's a two-men job.
Interested? Split the commission? I'll drive.
Dieting's only half of it.
Saunas.
And exercise.
Although I know everybody loves going to the gym.
The dreadmill.
Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone will be lunch, actually.
But it will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider coworkers.
My god OK.
Everybody just act normal.
Don't say anything.
What? My ex-girlfriend, she's right behind you.
- Really? Where? - Just hide me.
No, don't look Was it the age difference? Actually, kind of, yes.
I just didn't like eating dinner that early, so Listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends.
Are you insane? God, what happened? There was no client.
Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse 5 miles away and pushed me out of the car.
I had to walk home with no money and no phone.
And you burned over 1,000 calories walking home.
And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest.
- Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! - You left me in a bad part of town.
Yeah, I took your purse.
What are you worried about? You look great.
I can definitely see the difference.
Phyllis Vance for David Wallace.
"Dunder Mifflin wants to make it clear "That Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate.
"Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits "or extreme weight-loss strategies "as was clearly stated in the official" Shake! Hello, everybody! - What are you doing? - Fair question.
I say, I say, I say, sit down, Holly! I'll take it from here.
I am beautiful.
They are beautiful.
He is beautiful.
This big fat pig is beautiful.
It's my sumo suit.
I just didn't inflate it all the way.
I'm so glad that I bought instead of rented.
Body image.
We are here because there is something wrong with society.
See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but - maybe something's wrong with you.
- If it's me, society made me that way.
Now I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, "Why are you dressed in a plus-size suit?" Because you're kind of doing Michael Klump.
How do you know Michael Klump? It's your "making fun of fat people" character.
How dare you! Michael Klump is a celebration of fat people.
I think of him as more like a monster.
What about, "I say, I say, I say, I sit on you"? No.
It goes look.
I say, I say, I say, I sit on you! No! You know what? Fat people, are not monsters.
Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject? Case in point.
Look at the outside of this building.
It is ugly.
But you come inside, and it is beautiful.
Just like this unappealing fat suit.
Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, - man.
- Vamping.
- Why don't you just sit down, please? - I've been sitting all day.
We're doing this because of you.
So why don't you just go stand somewhere else.
Hey, shaved? - I did.
- Why? So in the year 2000, Fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave.
Some blame it on the new air conditioning system that was installed.
Some on the high-powered lights.
Others feel that fungus is due to - Nice.
- Quiet, please.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk 5 miles, which for her, is basically a death march.
She should thank me.
OK, Phyllis, thank Dwight first.
- Why should I have to thank him? - You're right.
- Dwight, do it.
Just say it, OK? - I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.
Finally! Right? Phyllis, you must be exhausted from standing on those gams.
Why don't you have a seat? Let's all clap at Phyllis.
Michael Klump wants to remind you that corporate Their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight.
But more importantly, what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy and in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly.
Back, back! Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair.
Come on, stand up on your chair.
Stand up, stand up, stand up.
Somebody help her.
Here we go.
I want you to look at her.
She's a beautiful Indian woman.
Why? What makes her beautiful? Everything.
She's perfect.
- I like her nails.
- OK, be more specific.
I like her finger nails.
I like her purple dress.
- What about her looks? - Hell of an ass.
What else do people like? I wonder what people like about me.
Probably my jugs.
Kelly, will you just agree to stop this madness and stop trying to kill yourself? I hate dieting.
I hate it so much.
I hate this worm inside of me! I want you to know Kelly, look at me.
I want you to know that you are beautiful.
You are truly, truly beautiful.
Give me a hug.
Summer's going great.
Just spent two hours listening to Michael Klump.
I have a weird pain in my left side that I'm convinced is an ulcer.
My girlfriend lives in New York, and I haven't seen her in 10 days.
How's your summer? Ryan, look.
Shaved off my goatee.
I am goate-less.
We are the goate-less brothers.
How was friday night? I had a good time, but it's been 3 days and no call.
I even have 2 tickets to see Counting Crows for tonight, so.
He'll call.
Oscar, enough with the girl talk please.
You guys lost 4 pounds.
- Hey! - I say we have a parade.
Excellent.
Good job.
So it turns out tonight is my nephew's tee ball game, and I kind of missed the first three, so You've already disappointed him so much.
He can't be expecting a lot from you.
I know.
I suck.
Yes, you do.
- Dwight says hi.
- I do not.
I do not say hi, Pam! - Now he's saying hi louder.
- All right, listen, we're still good for this weekend, right? No tee ball games, recitals, karate tournaments? - Can you got to IM? - OK.
What are you writing about me? I'm gonna write you both up for not working.
I'm gonna write you up for not working.
OK.
Well played.
Neither of us will write the other up for not working.
- Did he call? - I just got off Kendall? I heard you talking to Oscar about that guy.
- What happened? Did he call? - No.
- Really? - No.
And you know what? I even got two tickets to see Counting Crows tonight as a surprise.
Why do guys not call when they say they're gonna call? I don't know.
I always call everybody back right away.
But he'll call back, though.
Give him to the end of the day.
He'll call.
If he doesn't, he is loco.
Thanks, that's sweet.
Anyways, seems like we lost to Utica by only 8 pounds.
At least everyone lost weight.
That's all that really matters.
Wait, could we have till the end of the day? So we're only 8 pounds behind Utica.
Now I know it's a stretch, but, we could weigh ourselves again at the end of the day - and maybe win this thing after all.
- Leave it to me, boss.
I can get this whole office to make weight.
It's gonna be a little toasty in here.
A good old-fashioned sweat lodge.
Andy Bernard does not lose contests.
He wins them.
Or he quits them because they're unfair.
- Is that healthy food? - Nope.
We're trying to win a contest here, Kelly, please? Michael, I just scheduled lunch with a client, - so I might be back a little late.
- OK, that is fine.
Just water, and be back by weigh-in.
- OK? - Perfect.
I hate to even ask cause you've been so accommodating - about all the wedding stuff - Your wish is my command.
Is there any way our first dance can be to my favorite song? The little drummer boy.
Of course! - Really? - Yeah.
It's a great song.
I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway, you know? And you know what? The guys already know it, so it's easy breezy.
The guys? I didn't tell you? Here Comes Treble, Class of'96 was available for our big day, so I booked 'em.
I don't think that And they're collectively my best man.
And they're crashing with us for 3 weeks, so - totally works out.
- I don't know if I want your old college a capella group to be our wedding band.
OK, I hear you, sweetheart.
But this is a deal breaker.
But you know what? You're gonna love these guys.
Carl one, Carl two, Broccoli Rob, Sparerib, Doobie, Lunchbox.
Boner Champ.
That's me.
Pubie Lewis and the News.
Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle.
Sandwich.
These are the best best men a guy could ever hope for.
Let's talk about this later.
This is not halfway.
I did the math.
I had to drive way longer than you.
Montclair would've been closer, so you have to buy lunch.
What are you doing? I just I can't wait.
Oh, my god.
Pam, will you marry me? Oh, my god! So? Yes! God! Where is Jim? I'm calling it.
Guess that's curtains for the yoga guy.
- Really? - Yeah.
I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing was that he was a complete stupid idiot.
Oh, man, I really wanted to see them.
- I know.
I love Counting Crows.
- Look at where my seats were.
Really? That's a shame.
A shame to waste these.
I want to buy them from you.
- Michael, you don't have to buy them.
- No, I do.
I want to.
Trust me.
I really do.
All right.
Just I want you to just forget about 'em, OK? Case closed.
Can I pay you tomorrow? I have like a $60 limit on my ATM, so - Yeah.
- Is that good? - What's up, everybody? - What are you smiling about there, smiley pants? - You're late.
- Wet tuna! - What's up, Meredith? - Nothing.
- You're dripping on me.
- Darryl, would you do the honors? - Sorry, guys.
- No.
I don't want to hear moaning.
This is a good day.
You guys accomplished something big.
You lost a ton of weight literally.
A lot of weight.
And I don't care what any stupid scale says.
You guys are all gigantic losers.
I don't know about anyone else, but it was a good summer for me.
I lost 7 pounds.
And you know what? I'm just gonna take I went ziplining in my third day in Costa Rica.
I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right.
I broke my neck.
And I've been in the hospital I still haven't seen the beach.
It's nice to have visitors.