8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s05e02 Episode Script
Jack Whitehall, Roisin Conaty and Rob Beckett
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour throughout CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Sean Lock Jon Richardson Jack Whitehall Roisin Conaty Rob Beckett Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the Statue of Liberty weighs 204 metric tonnes? But whatever you do, don't tell her that.
LAUGHTER There are approximately, 1,400 people aged over 100 alive in the UK today.
But that could all change tomorrow if we get a cold snap.
LAUGHTER And Shakespeare invented the word "bedazzled" for The Taming Of The Shrew.
Whereas the word "vajazzled" was invented by Amy Childs, for The Taming Of The Bush.
- LAUGHTER - Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean Lock is often referred to as Locky by his friends, and El Diablo by foreign hitchhikers.
LAUGHTER And I call them "numero siete".
And joining Sean tonight, it's Roisin Conaty! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Roisin Conaty's been on the show before.
I'm not saying she's terrible at spelling but her actual name is Rosie Courtney.
LAUGHTER Up against them this evening it's Jon Richardson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon is really good with numbers, as opposed to women, conversation and emotions.
LAUGHTER We always do jokes about everyone, and the audience laugh, and when we do my ones, everybody laughs.
I heard you go before I'd even finished that one.
HE CACKLES DERISIVELY - I didn't laugh.
- Thank you, Jack.
I shall return the favour.
And Jon's team-mate, it's Jack Whitehall! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jack lost his virginity, in a restaurant owned by Antony Worrall Thompson, and vowed that next time he'd bring enough money to pay the bill.
LAUGHTER - I did laugh at that one.
- Yeah.
- More cos that was a joke about Antony Worrall Thompson than you.
- Did you shag Antony Worrall Thompson? - No! There was no shagging of any Worrall Thompsons or any celebrity chefs.
It was a happy Well, she was happy at the beginning.
LAUGHTER - Did it go well? - No.
It was a disaster.
- What was the? I'm not talking about how I lost my virginity! That's not fair! I don't want to! Which is kind of what they said on the night.
LAUGHTER Jon promises to tell you about his when he loses it.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I know we don't do team names on this show, but if we did I think it would be Brokeback Mountain today.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE People forget that, actually, - those two did a very job of looking after the herd.
- They did.
Jack, you went to a posh school.
- Does it follow you're going to be good at Countdown? - Um I mean, if I can answer in Latin, then, yes.
Is it the same letters, Latin? LAUGHTER From the other side of the tracks Rob Beckett over there.
How do I know? I don't even what it looks like.
I never did Latin.
"Never seen nuffin, guv'nor.
" Jon, people won't know this about you, but you're a big fan of musical theatre.
- What's your favourite musical? - Are you? - Yeah.
You should do a musical.
You should be in Cats.
I would love to see your Rum Tum Tugger.
LAUGHTER - My favourite musical isyou'll know this.
- Yup.
- Say it.
- Aspects Of Love.
- Phantom Of The Opera.
- Phantom Of The Opera.
It's a story that speaks to me, cos it's about a man who isn't attractive on the outside but he has a gift.
And he's in love with a woman, and then by the end of the musical he kills a load of people and then escapes.
LAUGHTER You look a bit like Phantom of the Opera if the mask covered the whole face.
LAUGHTER OK.
Roisin, do you understand the rules of Countdown? I know how to play this game.
The reason I ask - I'm not being rude - we've done the statistics on this, and 43% of the time when you've been on this show you've come up with words that aren't in the dictionary.
I was so thrilled when I heard I was going to be paired with Roisin again, I can't tell you(!) I was just skipping(!) I've got more points on my driving licence than Roisin's scored.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You've described the greatest moment of your life as the moment - you discovered halloumi cheese.
- Yes.
I stand by that, Jimmy.
It's like a meat! But it's a cheese! - It's rancid shit.
- It's incredible.
I nearly cried.
I weeped.
- Was that to give it moisture cos it's so dry? - It's not dry.
- It's quite dry.
- It's not dry.
If, when they sold halloumi, they wrapped it in polystyrene, you genuinely wouldn't know if you'd finished unwrapping or - That is a lie, Jon.
Do you like halloumi? - I love halloumi.
LAUGHTER Pair of pricks.
LAUGHTER Say anything about halloumi, you got me to deal with.
It always falls apart on the barbecue.
Well, don't barbecue it, you cock! LAUGHTER - Fry it.
- Fry it?! - Dry fry it.
You don't dry fry it, love.
You put a little bit of oil in there.
Don't put oil in it, dry fry it, otherwise it does get too soft.
- We've got 'em.
They've cracked.
- Like halloumi cracks.
Always halloumi.
It's ended so many marriages.
No wonder Greek people smash their plates.
LAUGHTER Roisin, I follow you on Twitter and you recently tweeted about a dream you had.
Normally I'm not interested in people's dreams, - but it was sort of an erotic dream - Oh.
Could you tell us more about it? I had a dream I had sex with Ed Miliband.
LAUGHTER That explains that weird face he does.
It made no sense.
I don't fancy Ed Miliband.
But I was having sex with someone and I thought, "Oh, that's Ed Miliband.
" And then I woke up.
Surely you'd find that out before you have sex with him.
No, it sort of became in the dream, mid-sex, like Quantum Leap.
LAUGHTER - Sean - YES! Sorry.
Yes? What did you want to be growing up? Well, I wanted to be a fanny magnet.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, Sean, congratulations(!) Well, you know, like my dad.
- It's a family tradition.
- Was you father a fanny magnet? Oh, God, it's ridiculous.
And my grandad.
I think you're pretty much a fanny magnet.
In fact, I know this fact about Sean, his full name - he abbreviates it on television - is Lock Up Your Daughters.
LAUGHTER Actually, I'm after the mums.
LAUGHTER Jon, have you got a mascot? Well, it's more of a sort of statistic, Jimmy.
The mascot is there to bring you comfort, isn't it, and encouragement? And statistics I can tell you, Jimmy, that, excitingly, I am on the cusp this evening of becoming the most successful Countdown player of all time.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's not Let's not get carried away there in the audience, because "Countdown winner" - that's a great example of when someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
The highest score ever on Countdown is 146.
My highest score is 153.
Smashed that.
The only record I have to beat is the highest total of points currently held by Conor Travers who has 2,279.
And I have 1,390.
So all I have to do is score 890 points on this episode alone and I'll become the most successful player in the history of Countdown.
I wonder how much those guys would have scored if they'd have been playing me.
LAUGHTER - Jack, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I brought a mascot for good luck.
This here.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Is that Kriss Akabusi? - Yeah, that's a cardboard cut-out of Kriss Akabusi.
Life-size.
Kriss is a bit of a hero of mine and I thought I'd bring him along this evening to give us good luck and sort of cheer us on a bit.
- Am I right in thinking he spells his Kriss K-R-I-S? - K-R-I-S.
Not having it.
Very bad heebie-jeebies around people who can't spell their own name.
"Jon" without an H.
Jon without LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE No-one pronounces the H, though.
It's not like when you say it the other way you go, "Jo-H-on".
I can hear it.
Can you not hear it? While we're talking about people taking H out of their name, SEAN, I noticed you applauding pretty loudly there, S-ean.
LAUGHTER Sean is an Irish name.
That's the Irish spelling of it.
Oh, and I suppose that's your excuse as well, Roy-sin.
LAUGHTER Roisin, have you got a mascot? Yes.
It's a bit creepy, my mascot.
Basically, I was trying to get the inspiration from Rachel and Susie, sort of what makes them tick.
So I've got a bit of Susie's hair.
Whoa.
Where is that from?! Her head! LAUGHTER Where did you get it? From Susie! - Willingly donated.
- JACK: Oh, God, what's in the pot? This is Rachel's breath.
LAUGHTER So you've got Rachel's breath.
Yes, I'm hoping that if I digest a bit of them, I'll get good at maths and good at spelling.
OK.
Sean, have you got a mascot? I've got something that I think we all experience at this time of year.
We all got bought books for Christmas.
I got some books I was very happy with.
This is one of my favourite ones, which is I Would.
It's a definitive guide to erotic wood knots.
LAUGHTER You would, wouldn't you? I would, yeah.
Oh, my God! Share the beauty.
- What's that one called? - That's spruce in Autumn.
- No, no - That's helped me get to sleep many nights.
And, of course, my favourite, which is Oxfordshire willow.
And it's a lovely book, and it gets you to appreciate that nature is a bit of a slut.
LAUGHTER The other book I was very pleased with, which is a great book, which is The Loose Women Script Collection.
It's got all the classic episodes on it.
They stand the test of time.
This is cystitis I can't do all the different voices - but it's just all the ladies chatting.
- OK.
"Have you ever had cystitis?" "God, yes.
" "Ouch!" "Yes, I think I caught it from a damp towel.
" "You can't.
" "You can.
" "No!" LAUGHTER "You can't!" "You can, just by your flannels.
" "Toilet seats?" Ad break.
LAUGHTER That's a great comfort in those cold winter months leading into the spring.
It's not often you ask for something and you actually get what you want.
You must have been a very good boy this year.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner it's Rob Beckett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rob Beckett is the only man I know that has to get planning permission when he visits the dentist.
LAUGHTER Rob, when the tooth fairy came when you were a child, what did you do with the money? Did you buy a car? LAUGHTER I got quite a lot of money and I lent it to you to buy yours.
- AUDIENCE: Oooh! - Booyah.
You won't be getting that back.
- You've been on Countdown before with us.
- Yes, mate.
You weren't great at Countdown but how do you think you'll do in Dictionary Corner? Probably not great, either, to be honest.
But it's practice, innit? I'm not from a household where we used to sit round and play Countdown in the front room.
We did other things.
- What sort of things did you do? - Fight.
LAUGHTER - You didn't fight in the front room? - We used to do it in the bathroom cos then you can use the sink.
LAUGHTER I'm not very confident I'll do well in Dictionary Corner cos we didn't do those sort of things at home.
So, if you can't beat 'em, create your own game.
So what I've done is, I'm not going to get really involved in that.
LAUGHTER I'll sort of leave you to it.
What I'm going to do is - That's your favourite book, innit? - Yeah.
So I brought my favourite book, which is this.
It's the World Cup Panini Sticker Album from 1970 to 2010.
- It's got all the stickers from then in print.
- Wow.
Exactly.
And it's a good book.
You can tell when it's a good book when it's got its own house.
LAUGHTER So what I'm going to do is I probably know more footballers than words.
So when you do all your jumblin', I'm going to get some footballers out of it and do that.
It's going to be my game.
Well, thank you.
We'll get on with our "jumblin'.
" What is it called when you look at all the words, all the odd letters up, what's that called? - It's an anagram.
- An anagram.
Word.
I don't want to have a go, but you've got a fault in the system.
I'm fucking looking at it.
I said jumbling.
It needs a word, it needs a name, don't it? - There's no name for that, is there? - He's right.
Let's stop.
LAUGHTER Let's get off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Come on, come on.
JON: I'm staying.
What if we just call it a jumble? - I'll call it a jumble.
- Call it a jumble? - I was happy with "jumble".
- All right, we'll call it a jumble.
- Perfect, that's all I wanted.
I was in with a chance of getting 890 points there.
LAUGHTER And with Rob, of course, is Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie regularly receives queries and questions from members of the Countdown audience, questions like "Why am I so cold?" "Is the war over?" and "Why does my son never visit?" Most little girls dream of being lexicographers.
Was it the same for you growing up? LAUGHTER Ermno, actually I dreamt about working with the best comedians in the country, but it hasn't happened yet.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie Dent! You just got "Dented".
LAUGHTER And in charge of the jumbles, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - What's your worst habit, Rachel? - I'm quite unprofessional at work.
- Yeah, I've noticed that, yeah.
- I often crack up when Nick says something that he doesn't mean to say.
So, at the end of our series last year, we'd finished the quarterfinals and he said, "See you on Monday for a semi.
" Didn't handle that very well.
I thought WE did the late-night version! OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown shower curtain.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! Let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Roisin, you get the first pick of the letters.
- A vowel, please.
- Thanks, Sean! O Consonant.
L Vowel.
A Consonant.
S - You take over, Roisin.
- Consonant, please.
- G - JIMMY GROANS LAUGHTER A vowel.
- E - Consonant, please.
R Another consonant.
P And a vowel, please.
A So, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER What, erm What have you got, Jon? Erlet's try an eight.
- An eight? - Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! Jack? - Six.
- Not bad.
Roisin? - Five.
- Sean? - Six.
- Roisin, let's hear your five.
LAGER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So if you had more than one lager, what would you How would you describe that, what would you say? LAGERS That's how you make a six-letter word.
LAUGHTER I didn't know you could do plurals.
LAUGHTER Even Rob Beckett's laughing at you.
LAUGHTER - Sean, your six? - GROPES.
Oh, God! Jack, your six? - GRAPES.
- Then your eight, Jon? Well, I'm going on the football theme.
Sometimes you call it an "assist".
Sometimes you call it PREGOALS.
LAUGHTER PREGOALS I thought you wanted this record.
You've got to reach for the stars, and you might just touch up a cloud.
LAUGHTER - Susie, is it there? - It's not, I'm afraid.
OK, 6 points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Dictionary Corner, I have two questions.
Susie, were there any bigger words? Rob, were there any footballers? Well, some.
Can I have the pen? No, not that one, the one with the camera on, mate.
I found a Saudi Arabian team from the 2002 World Cup and there's an A and L in there, and I found a few "Als".
There's Al-Mohammadi.
Al-Dossari.
Al-Dokhi.
Al-Ghamdi.
Yeah, a few more.
SoI've got a two.
OK, well done, Rob.
Susie, any longer words? You can have PERGOLAS for eight.
PERGOLAS? Is that BURGLARS that have a little touch up when they're in there? They're those arched structures you get in gardens.
- I haven't got that in my garden.
- What's in your garden? Just a few bushes, barbecue - Fridge.
- .
.
bit of scrap, I'm not going to lie.
Use the scrap to make a pergola.
- It'll impress people when they come round.
- It's not Robot Wars, mate.
LAUGHTER So at the end of that, both teams have 6 points.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon and Jack, you're to pick the numbers.
LAUGHTER Two from the top.
Jon? I agree, yeah.
LAUGHTER Then some from the middle.
And then another one from the top.
- No.
- No? - No.
Don't piss me off, mate.
LAUGHTER You do what you want.
I'm not going to tell you what to do.
You get a 6 and a 9, 10 and a 6, and the big ones, 100 and 50.
- 666! - AUDIENCE: Oooh! OK, well, that looks pretty easy to me, but your time starts now.
The question here is, will Roisin get it? LAUGHTER We're going straight to Roisin after this.
It's the easiest sum anyone's ever had.
Shut up! - I presume everyone else got it.
Did you all get it? - Yeah.
- YES! LAUGHTER I was doing Satan.
Terrifying.
Roisin, did you get it? - Yes.
- How did you do it? 6 x 100 6 x 100 = 600 Erm6 x 10 SEAN: No.
Why not? - Cos then you've used both your 6s.
6 x 100 - I can still make that 660.
- Where are you going to get your 6 from? - Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER I haven't got it.
Sean, how did you do it? 6 x 100 = 600 + 50 + 10 + 6 Yeah.
Well done.
666.
APPLAUSE - Spooky, isn't it? - Jon, how did you do it? 50 ÷ 10 = 5 + 6 + 6 = 11 + 100 + 100 = 111 x 6 APPLAUSE Showing off, though, wasn't it? Showing off.
You both got it right, but that is showing off.
We're both putting the bins out.
It's just like he's doing it backwards like this, moonwalking.
LAUGHTER That is how he puts his bins out, I reckon.
I'm just wheeling them out, going, "There's the bins, they're out.
" Same job's been done.
I genuinely do wheel them backwards.
So that if anything falls out while I'm wheeling it I don't stand in it.
But that's just Everyone does that, right? Oh, God! You're sapping our will to live.
Do you get excited when it's bin day? I wouldn't say excited.
But there's a little, you know It's like Christmas every fortnight.
LAUGHTER Have you ever eaten anything out of the bin? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's why Rob didn't do so well at speed dating.
LAUGHTER "Have you ever eaten anything out of a bin?" She's going, ding! "I'm out!" - What have you eaten out of the bin? - I haven't, I was asking him.
I have.
I've got this habit of picking at food.
And sometimes I'll sweep all the crumbs off the table and I'll go like this My wife will go, "What are you doing?" And I think I've got this part of my brain, like sort of lizard/scavenger bit.
And once, I was on the phone - you know those swings bins? I was on the phone chatting to someone and there was a big bit of tuna that had stuck AUDIENCE: Eww! And I was chatting on the phone, going, "Yeah, yeah, we'll try and organise that.
" And I started picking at it.
My wife was watching and I just picked it up and put it in my mouth.
She went "Oh, my God! What are you doing?!" And I just went, "Well, it's just a natural instinct - "to get food wherever you can.
" - To eat tuna out the bin?! LAUGHTER That was a good question.
- If we were speed dating, we would have hit it off.
- Yes.
And then Rob just looked at me and held my hand and went, "Oh, finally.
" LAUGHTER You'd be the only couple who'd gone to do it up against a skip and then been too full to have sex.
LAUGHTER OK, so time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Rob, what have you got for us? Oh, I was going to show you some of my favourite players - from my World Cup books.
- OK, lovely.
What have you got? - Can I have the special pen? - You may.
- Thank you.
Love the fact he's not allowed it the whole time, you take it off him in case he breaks it.
So that's the kind of guy I want to get from the jumble.
LAUGHTER If I get him - I think I'm on to a winner.
- Rob, how do you pronounce that surname? Um MisterMickey H.
LAUGHTER Also, what I found interesting about this book is I found my favourite player - Cristiano Ronaldo is a great player at the moment.
He's brilliant.
Also, he's become a bit of a sex symbol.
Not so much in 2006.
LAUGHTER That is him.
I tell you what, though, I'm not sure that Nuno Valente went on preseason training.
LAUGHTER That's fat me.
LAUGHTER We've got some other guys.
These are the Colombian goalkeepers.
That's the reserve keeper.
He's got a lot of hair.
And you think, "How do you get to become first-team keeper?" "More hair!" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Wow! The scores at the moment - Sean and Roisin have 16.
So do Jon and Jack.
And here is your teaser.
The words are OILY BINT.
The clue is - the Queen, for example.
That's OILY BINT - the Queen, for example.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were OILY BINT.
The clue was - the Queen, for example.
It was of course, NOBILITY.
OK, time to mix things up a bit.
They've been playing in teams so far, but just for this round it's going to be Roisin against Jack.
- So Jack, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do her.
Please can I have LAUGHTER Hold on.
I need to get into the zone.
You're playing for Jon here.
Jon's trying to get 890 points this evening.
874 now, Jimmy.
I'll have three vowels and four consonants.
And then another consonant.
E O E And then R D S And - Y - Yup.
M Let's have a Let's - A vowel.
- Sure.
Why not? Go crazy.
- A - OK.
And your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Roisin, how many have you got? APPLAUSE - Roisin? - I don't think I have a word.
What do you mean "you haven't got a word"? I don't think I have an ACTUAL word.
DEAD? DEAD? - DEAD's a word.
DEAD's a word.
- It isn't on there.
- It is.
- Is it? - Oh, no.
- I haven't got a word.
So nothing.
Jack, how many have you got? Can you beat none? Well, if she hasn't got a word, I'll go for one.
- OK, you've got What's your one? - I have a six, but I'm not going to play a six.
If there's no need to play a six, I'll play a two or a one.
- Play a six.
- You've got to reach for the stars if you want to touch BOTH: .
.
up a cloud.
You are, at the moment, licking the gutter.
- So, what are you going to go for, Jack? - I'll go for my six then.
- What's your six? - DREAMS OK, six points to Jack and it would appear Roisin doesn't have any dreams.
Aw Well, she does.
There's the one where she banged Ed Miliband.
APPLAUSE Can we have the Jimmy doll? - Be careful with him.
- Ready for this? MIMICS LAUGH: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! APPLAUSE - Don't do that! - Sorry.
- I can feel it when it happens.
Mm Oh OK, Rob, Susie, could they have done any better? - Well, in the football world - Yeah.
Only gone and got a footballer, ain't I? SERGIO RAMOS - Oh! - APPLAUSE Susie, in the world of words, could they have done any better? Yes, SMEARED is there.
OK, so Sean and Roisin have 16.
Jon and Jack are ahead with 22.
APPLAUSE OK, on to our next numbers round.
Roisin, your turn to pick your numbers.
Um, can I have, erm, - one from the top - Two.
.
.
two from the top and the rest from wherever you like, - Rachel.
- Yes, that's brilliant.
Thank you, Roisin.
For this round they are 4, 5.
- Come on, Roisin.
- 3, 8.
- You can do this.
- 25 and 50.
And the target And your time starts now.
OK.
So the target was 473.
Jack, did you get it? Nope.
Jon, did you get it? - Sean, did you get it? - 474 Roisin? No, I didn't get it.
What? What did you get? So, Jon, how did you get 474? Er 50 x 8 50 x 8 = 400 + (25 x 3) = 75 JON: 5 - 4 = 1 Yeah.
Oh, unzip that tent.
Nice.
- Sean, how did you do it? - The same.
Well, seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE - Rachel, can it be done? - It can.
And you can use all the numbers.
If you say 25 x 4 = 100 100 + 3 = 103 103 x 5 = 515 515 + 8 = 523 523 - 50 = 473 JACK: Oh.
Do you see the whole world like The Matrix? ROB: I switch off when someone does sums like that.
I can't keep up with it.
And they're doing it.
I'm not even having to do it and I can't keep up with listening to someone do it.
Like I'm not going to check that.
That could be bollocks.
They just go Fair enough, it seems like it's right.
OK, the scores at the moment, Sean and Roisin have 23, Jon and Jack have 29.
How far off your total are you, Jon? 861 points to go.
WEAKLY: Yay.
And here is your teaser.
The words are EAT VOMIT.
The clue is - you can do it.
That's EAT VOMIT - you can do it! See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were EAT VOMIT, the clue was - You can do it! It was, of course, MOTIVATE.
OK, before we go on, he doesn't work here any more but he keeps on turning up - ladies and gentlemen, it's Joe Wilkinson.
APPLAUSE WHISTLING AND CHEERING All right, Joe, you, um you look a bit different.
Yeah, I've started wearing a beret.
LAUGHTER I've also had my head removed and put in a jar, Jimmy.
Why have you had your head removed and put in a jar? I never really liked my body.
I thought rather than spend a fortune on plastic surgery, just get rid of it.
The idea was to get a new one, but then you fired me, you arsehole, and I ran out of cash.
Luckily, I've still got the old one - I just don't know how to put the head back on.
Still there, you see.
There it is.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE This is Lucy - it's what I call my body.
Lucy.
Say hello to Jimmy.
Ooh.
JACK: Oh, that's quite freaky.
JOE: You try not having a head, mate.
Eh, she doesn't like you, does she? Doesn't like you! Doesn't like you! What you doing? I can't see what you're doing.
What are you? Ugh - I can't see what you're This is the upside, though - when you remove your head, you become much better at Riverdance.
RIVERDANCE THEME PLAYS APPLAUSE Actually, I think I got a bit shitter.
LET'S PLAY COUNTDOWN! OK, on with the game.
Sean and Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
Lucy, are you going to help? LAUGHTER JOE: Fair enough, mate.
Er, vowel, please.
OK.
O.
Consonant.
Vowel.
E Consonant.
C Vowel.
I - Consonant.
- Steaming up, hold on.
- J - LAUGHTER Another consonant, please.
D - Another consonant - Completely missing the glass.
- N - APPLAUSE And another vowel, please.
And the last one - E.
OK, and your time starts now.
Roisin, how many did you get? 4.
4! You don't think it's a word? OK, Sean, how many did you get? 7.
7.
Jon? I think I got a 9! JIMMY DRUMS THE TABLE You genuinely think you got a 9? I genuinely think, no fooling, I've got a 9.
Cos if you get a 9, we're as good as the proper version of this show.
LAUGHTER I think I have a 9, Jimmy.
This is huge.
OK, Jack? I'm so confident in my partner here that I don't have anything.
LAUGHTER - It's all on you.
- It's all on you, big man.
OK, brilliant.
Roisin, let's hear your 4 first.
DEET.
LAUGHTER Like, um Like if you ask for someone's details, but you're trying to be cool.
And you only wanted half their phone number.
- Is it a word? - No.
Sorry.
Um, Sean, your word? JOINTED.
- Good.
- OK, JOINTED's there.
Pretty good.
Jon, have you got a 9? Part the clouds, ladies and gentlemen, Jon Richardson is about to tit up the sun.
LAUGHTER It's a word - do you know what? It's a word I've been dealing with all my life.
It's DEJECTION, Jimmy.
- JACK GASPS - Yes! Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 letters! Sorry, Jon, talk me through how you're feeling? It's the best feeling of my entire life.
Well, you get double points, because you got a 9-letter word.
Jon Richardson, everyone.
ALL CHEER Rob, what have you got for us? Um, I've got a footballer - can I have the pen, quickly? Only one I got, I found PAUL INCE.
I-N-C-E.
LIGHT LAUGHTER Well, I was quite happy with that, but fuck you.
LAUGHTER So, the scores at the moment are Sean and Roisin have 23, but Jon and Jack are way ahead in front with 47.
APPLAUSE Here is your final teaser.
The words are NICE ANUS, the clue is - It can get annoying.
That's NICE ANUS - It can get annoying.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NICE ANUS, the clue was "It can get annoying.
" It was of course NUISANCE.
OK, on with the game.
Jon and Jack, your turn to choose the letters.
You do this.
I, frankly, couldn't give a shit about anything any more.
This game is dead to me now.
Vanquished.
Is this is where we sweep in? Yeah, we swoop in and we both do different nines, we get 36 points and it's great.
- Come on.
- That's what normally happens, anyway.
Nobody's let me down so far.
This is your round, guys.
All vowels.
LAUGHTER SEAN: You're not allowed to do that.
It's cheating.
Two vowels, please.
U O And some consonants.
Like, three.
S L You going to do something, Lucy? R Then two more consonants.
S and N.
- Oh, he's back in the game.
- I can't resist it.
He can't resist it.
Two more vowels.
And another U, and E.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
HE PLAYS JAZZ CHEERING Jack, how many did you get? I'm trying to find a footballer so none yet.
None yet.
OK.
Jon? I'll try a seven.
Try a seven.
Sean? Nothing.
Not anything at all.
Not even I didn't even get one.
He's caught it off me.
Roisin, what did you get? - I think I've got a five.
- Five.
- Or probably not.
- OK, what is your? If this was the Grand National, right, and handicapping of horses, this would be equivalent of 18.
- We should double nines.
- I think if this was the Grand National, we would have shot Roisin some rounds ago.
LAUGHTER What's your five-letter word, Roisin? SOURS.
- Oh, yeah.
- SEAN: Well done.
- We've seen SOURS.
CHEERING SOURS.
Well, let's see if Jon can ruin her dreams.
RUNLESS, like a cricketer who hasn't scored any.
I had the same and it's not there.
Five points to Roisin.
Come on.
CHEERING Rob, could they have done any better? - UNLESS.
- UNLESS.
- For six.
- Unless what? - That's just a word.
- Six.
- Six.
- UNLESS.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Roisin have 28, Jon and Jack have 47.
Now, Jon, in order to get 890, you need to score 843 points.
But, weirdly, today, the conundrum is worth 843 points.
So, this is now a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
This means that you could win.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
I don't like this now.
I don't like this.
So, Jon, you could break the record.
Rub his head for good luck.
For 843 points, here's today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
LAUGHTER BUZZER I got it! - Have you got it? - Yeah.
BRACING.
- No.
EMBRACING.
- Oh.
EMBRACING.
Yeah, but he said BRACING - so they got it wrong.
- No.
- Well, I buzzed.
He buzzed.
AUDIENCE: Oh! AUDIENCE JEER I know.
What I'll do What I will do, Jack has pissed all over Jon's dream .
.
which would be a perfect way to end things but what I'd like to do, we're going to do another one.
- If it's OK with you, Sean.
- The rules are the rules and we should have a go, we'll have a guess.
- Well, he's already said it so - Well, I didn't hear it.
LAUGHTER I genuinely didn't.
I really genuinely didn't.
He said EMBRACING.
LAUGHTER I didn't here that.
I genuinely didn't.
Well, Sean, if you promise to me that you didn't hear it when he said EMBRACING I didn't hear it when you said it then.
No, didn't hear it.
OK, we'll do another crucial Countdown Conundrum.
I said EMBRACING.
So, for 843 points, here's today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
LAUGHTER I've got it.
I've got it.
BELL AUDIENCE: Oh! - That was me.
- JON: I've got it.
PITSTOP.
LAUGHTER It's the wrong answer.
Start the clock again.
Jon, press the button if you know it.
Pissed off! - BUZZER - Jon.
- Is it a word I'm not familiar with? - Yes, yes, it is.
- OPTIMISTS.
- Let's have a look.
CHEERING So, the final scores are Sean and Roisin have 28 points but tonight's winners, with 890 points, Jon and Jack.
Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of this Countdown shower curtain.
CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the Statue of Liberty weighs 204 metric tonnes? But whatever you do, don't tell her that.
LAUGHTER There are approximately, 1,400 people aged over 100 alive in the UK today.
But that could all change tomorrow if we get a cold snap.
LAUGHTER And Shakespeare invented the word "bedazzled" for The Taming Of The Shrew.
Whereas the word "vajazzled" was invented by Amy Childs, for The Taming Of The Bush.
- LAUGHTER - Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean Lock is often referred to as Locky by his friends, and El Diablo by foreign hitchhikers.
LAUGHTER And I call them "numero siete".
And joining Sean tonight, it's Roisin Conaty! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Roisin Conaty's been on the show before.
I'm not saying she's terrible at spelling but her actual name is Rosie Courtney.
LAUGHTER Up against them this evening it's Jon Richardson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon is really good with numbers, as opposed to women, conversation and emotions.
LAUGHTER We always do jokes about everyone, and the audience laugh, and when we do my ones, everybody laughs.
I heard you go before I'd even finished that one.
HE CACKLES DERISIVELY - I didn't laugh.
- Thank you, Jack.
I shall return the favour.
And Jon's team-mate, it's Jack Whitehall! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jack lost his virginity, in a restaurant owned by Antony Worrall Thompson, and vowed that next time he'd bring enough money to pay the bill.
LAUGHTER - I did laugh at that one.
- Yeah.
- More cos that was a joke about Antony Worrall Thompson than you.
- Did you shag Antony Worrall Thompson? - No! There was no shagging of any Worrall Thompsons or any celebrity chefs.
It was a happy Well, she was happy at the beginning.
LAUGHTER - Did it go well? - No.
It was a disaster.
- What was the? I'm not talking about how I lost my virginity! That's not fair! I don't want to! Which is kind of what they said on the night.
LAUGHTER Jon promises to tell you about his when he loses it.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I know we don't do team names on this show, but if we did I think it would be Brokeback Mountain today.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE People forget that, actually, - those two did a very job of looking after the herd.
- They did.
Jack, you went to a posh school.
- Does it follow you're going to be good at Countdown? - Um I mean, if I can answer in Latin, then, yes.
Is it the same letters, Latin? LAUGHTER From the other side of the tracks Rob Beckett over there.
How do I know? I don't even what it looks like.
I never did Latin.
"Never seen nuffin, guv'nor.
" Jon, people won't know this about you, but you're a big fan of musical theatre.
- What's your favourite musical? - Are you? - Yeah.
You should do a musical.
You should be in Cats.
I would love to see your Rum Tum Tugger.
LAUGHTER - My favourite musical isyou'll know this.
- Yup.
- Say it.
- Aspects Of Love.
- Phantom Of The Opera.
- Phantom Of The Opera.
It's a story that speaks to me, cos it's about a man who isn't attractive on the outside but he has a gift.
And he's in love with a woman, and then by the end of the musical he kills a load of people and then escapes.
LAUGHTER You look a bit like Phantom of the Opera if the mask covered the whole face.
LAUGHTER OK.
Roisin, do you understand the rules of Countdown? I know how to play this game.
The reason I ask - I'm not being rude - we've done the statistics on this, and 43% of the time when you've been on this show you've come up with words that aren't in the dictionary.
I was so thrilled when I heard I was going to be paired with Roisin again, I can't tell you(!) I was just skipping(!) I've got more points on my driving licence than Roisin's scored.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You've described the greatest moment of your life as the moment - you discovered halloumi cheese.
- Yes.
I stand by that, Jimmy.
It's like a meat! But it's a cheese! - It's rancid shit.
- It's incredible.
I nearly cried.
I weeped.
- Was that to give it moisture cos it's so dry? - It's not dry.
- It's quite dry.
- It's not dry.
If, when they sold halloumi, they wrapped it in polystyrene, you genuinely wouldn't know if you'd finished unwrapping or - That is a lie, Jon.
Do you like halloumi? - I love halloumi.
LAUGHTER Pair of pricks.
LAUGHTER Say anything about halloumi, you got me to deal with.
It always falls apart on the barbecue.
Well, don't barbecue it, you cock! LAUGHTER - Fry it.
- Fry it?! - Dry fry it.
You don't dry fry it, love.
You put a little bit of oil in there.
Don't put oil in it, dry fry it, otherwise it does get too soft.
- We've got 'em.
They've cracked.
- Like halloumi cracks.
Always halloumi.
It's ended so many marriages.
No wonder Greek people smash their plates.
LAUGHTER Roisin, I follow you on Twitter and you recently tweeted about a dream you had.
Normally I'm not interested in people's dreams, - but it was sort of an erotic dream - Oh.
Could you tell us more about it? I had a dream I had sex with Ed Miliband.
LAUGHTER That explains that weird face he does.
It made no sense.
I don't fancy Ed Miliband.
But I was having sex with someone and I thought, "Oh, that's Ed Miliband.
" And then I woke up.
Surely you'd find that out before you have sex with him.
No, it sort of became in the dream, mid-sex, like Quantum Leap.
LAUGHTER - Sean - YES! Sorry.
Yes? What did you want to be growing up? Well, I wanted to be a fanny magnet.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, Sean, congratulations(!) Well, you know, like my dad.
- It's a family tradition.
- Was you father a fanny magnet? Oh, God, it's ridiculous.
And my grandad.
I think you're pretty much a fanny magnet.
In fact, I know this fact about Sean, his full name - he abbreviates it on television - is Lock Up Your Daughters.
LAUGHTER Actually, I'm after the mums.
LAUGHTER Jon, have you got a mascot? Well, it's more of a sort of statistic, Jimmy.
The mascot is there to bring you comfort, isn't it, and encouragement? And statistics I can tell you, Jimmy, that, excitingly, I am on the cusp this evening of becoming the most successful Countdown player of all time.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's not Let's not get carried away there in the audience, because "Countdown winner" - that's a great example of when someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
The highest score ever on Countdown is 146.
My highest score is 153.
Smashed that.
The only record I have to beat is the highest total of points currently held by Conor Travers who has 2,279.
And I have 1,390.
So all I have to do is score 890 points on this episode alone and I'll become the most successful player in the history of Countdown.
I wonder how much those guys would have scored if they'd have been playing me.
LAUGHTER - Jack, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I brought a mascot for good luck.
This here.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Is that Kriss Akabusi? - Yeah, that's a cardboard cut-out of Kriss Akabusi.
Life-size.
Kriss is a bit of a hero of mine and I thought I'd bring him along this evening to give us good luck and sort of cheer us on a bit.
- Am I right in thinking he spells his Kriss K-R-I-S? - K-R-I-S.
Not having it.
Very bad heebie-jeebies around people who can't spell their own name.
"Jon" without an H.
Jon without LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE No-one pronounces the H, though.
It's not like when you say it the other way you go, "Jo-H-on".
I can hear it.
Can you not hear it? While we're talking about people taking H out of their name, SEAN, I noticed you applauding pretty loudly there, S-ean.
LAUGHTER Sean is an Irish name.
That's the Irish spelling of it.
Oh, and I suppose that's your excuse as well, Roy-sin.
LAUGHTER Roisin, have you got a mascot? Yes.
It's a bit creepy, my mascot.
Basically, I was trying to get the inspiration from Rachel and Susie, sort of what makes them tick.
So I've got a bit of Susie's hair.
Whoa.
Where is that from?! Her head! LAUGHTER Where did you get it? From Susie! - Willingly donated.
- JACK: Oh, God, what's in the pot? This is Rachel's breath.
LAUGHTER So you've got Rachel's breath.
Yes, I'm hoping that if I digest a bit of them, I'll get good at maths and good at spelling.
OK.
Sean, have you got a mascot? I've got something that I think we all experience at this time of year.
We all got bought books for Christmas.
I got some books I was very happy with.
This is one of my favourite ones, which is I Would.
It's a definitive guide to erotic wood knots.
LAUGHTER You would, wouldn't you? I would, yeah.
Oh, my God! Share the beauty.
- What's that one called? - That's spruce in Autumn.
- No, no - That's helped me get to sleep many nights.
And, of course, my favourite, which is Oxfordshire willow.
And it's a lovely book, and it gets you to appreciate that nature is a bit of a slut.
LAUGHTER The other book I was very pleased with, which is a great book, which is The Loose Women Script Collection.
It's got all the classic episodes on it.
They stand the test of time.
This is cystitis I can't do all the different voices - but it's just all the ladies chatting.
- OK.
"Have you ever had cystitis?" "God, yes.
" "Ouch!" "Yes, I think I caught it from a damp towel.
" "You can't.
" "You can.
" "No!" LAUGHTER "You can't!" "You can, just by your flannels.
" "Toilet seats?" Ad break.
LAUGHTER That's a great comfort in those cold winter months leading into the spring.
It's not often you ask for something and you actually get what you want.
You must have been a very good boy this year.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner it's Rob Beckett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rob Beckett is the only man I know that has to get planning permission when he visits the dentist.
LAUGHTER Rob, when the tooth fairy came when you were a child, what did you do with the money? Did you buy a car? LAUGHTER I got quite a lot of money and I lent it to you to buy yours.
- AUDIENCE: Oooh! - Booyah.
You won't be getting that back.
- You've been on Countdown before with us.
- Yes, mate.
You weren't great at Countdown but how do you think you'll do in Dictionary Corner? Probably not great, either, to be honest.
But it's practice, innit? I'm not from a household where we used to sit round and play Countdown in the front room.
We did other things.
- What sort of things did you do? - Fight.
LAUGHTER - You didn't fight in the front room? - We used to do it in the bathroom cos then you can use the sink.
LAUGHTER I'm not very confident I'll do well in Dictionary Corner cos we didn't do those sort of things at home.
So, if you can't beat 'em, create your own game.
So what I've done is, I'm not going to get really involved in that.
LAUGHTER I'll sort of leave you to it.
What I'm going to do is - That's your favourite book, innit? - Yeah.
So I brought my favourite book, which is this.
It's the World Cup Panini Sticker Album from 1970 to 2010.
- It's got all the stickers from then in print.
- Wow.
Exactly.
And it's a good book.
You can tell when it's a good book when it's got its own house.
LAUGHTER So what I'm going to do is I probably know more footballers than words.
So when you do all your jumblin', I'm going to get some footballers out of it and do that.
It's going to be my game.
Well, thank you.
We'll get on with our "jumblin'.
" What is it called when you look at all the words, all the odd letters up, what's that called? - It's an anagram.
- An anagram.
Word.
I don't want to have a go, but you've got a fault in the system.
I'm fucking looking at it.
I said jumbling.
It needs a word, it needs a name, don't it? - There's no name for that, is there? - He's right.
Let's stop.
LAUGHTER Let's get off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Come on, come on.
JON: I'm staying.
What if we just call it a jumble? - I'll call it a jumble.
- Call it a jumble? - I was happy with "jumble".
- All right, we'll call it a jumble.
- Perfect, that's all I wanted.
I was in with a chance of getting 890 points there.
LAUGHTER And with Rob, of course, is Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie regularly receives queries and questions from members of the Countdown audience, questions like "Why am I so cold?" "Is the war over?" and "Why does my son never visit?" Most little girls dream of being lexicographers.
Was it the same for you growing up? LAUGHTER Ermno, actually I dreamt about working with the best comedians in the country, but it hasn't happened yet.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie Dent! You just got "Dented".
LAUGHTER And in charge of the jumbles, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - What's your worst habit, Rachel? - I'm quite unprofessional at work.
- Yeah, I've noticed that, yeah.
- I often crack up when Nick says something that he doesn't mean to say.
So, at the end of our series last year, we'd finished the quarterfinals and he said, "See you on Monday for a semi.
" Didn't handle that very well.
I thought WE did the late-night version! OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown shower curtain.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! Let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Roisin, you get the first pick of the letters.
- A vowel, please.
- Thanks, Sean! O Consonant.
L Vowel.
A Consonant.
S - You take over, Roisin.
- Consonant, please.
- G - JIMMY GROANS LAUGHTER A vowel.
- E - Consonant, please.
R Another consonant.
P And a vowel, please.
A So, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER What, erm What have you got, Jon? Erlet's try an eight.
- An eight? - Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! Jack? - Six.
- Not bad.
Roisin? - Five.
- Sean? - Six.
- Roisin, let's hear your five.
LAGER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So if you had more than one lager, what would you How would you describe that, what would you say? LAGERS That's how you make a six-letter word.
LAUGHTER I didn't know you could do plurals.
LAUGHTER Even Rob Beckett's laughing at you.
LAUGHTER - Sean, your six? - GROPES.
Oh, God! Jack, your six? - GRAPES.
- Then your eight, Jon? Well, I'm going on the football theme.
Sometimes you call it an "assist".
Sometimes you call it PREGOALS.
LAUGHTER PREGOALS I thought you wanted this record.
You've got to reach for the stars, and you might just touch up a cloud.
LAUGHTER - Susie, is it there? - It's not, I'm afraid.
OK, 6 points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Dictionary Corner, I have two questions.
Susie, were there any bigger words? Rob, were there any footballers? Well, some.
Can I have the pen? No, not that one, the one with the camera on, mate.
I found a Saudi Arabian team from the 2002 World Cup and there's an A and L in there, and I found a few "Als".
There's Al-Mohammadi.
Al-Dossari.
Al-Dokhi.
Al-Ghamdi.
Yeah, a few more.
SoI've got a two.
OK, well done, Rob.
Susie, any longer words? You can have PERGOLAS for eight.
PERGOLAS? Is that BURGLARS that have a little touch up when they're in there? They're those arched structures you get in gardens.
- I haven't got that in my garden.
- What's in your garden? Just a few bushes, barbecue - Fridge.
- .
.
bit of scrap, I'm not going to lie.
Use the scrap to make a pergola.
- It'll impress people when they come round.
- It's not Robot Wars, mate.
LAUGHTER So at the end of that, both teams have 6 points.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon and Jack, you're to pick the numbers.
LAUGHTER Two from the top.
Jon? I agree, yeah.
LAUGHTER Then some from the middle.
And then another one from the top.
- No.
- No? - No.
Don't piss me off, mate.
LAUGHTER You do what you want.
I'm not going to tell you what to do.
You get a 6 and a 9, 10 and a 6, and the big ones, 100 and 50.
- 666! - AUDIENCE: Oooh! OK, well, that looks pretty easy to me, but your time starts now.
The question here is, will Roisin get it? LAUGHTER We're going straight to Roisin after this.
It's the easiest sum anyone's ever had.
Shut up! - I presume everyone else got it.
Did you all get it? - Yeah.
- YES! LAUGHTER I was doing Satan.
Terrifying.
Roisin, did you get it? - Yes.
- How did you do it? 6 x 100 6 x 100 = 600 Erm6 x 10 SEAN: No.
Why not? - Cos then you've used both your 6s.
6 x 100 - I can still make that 660.
- Where are you going to get your 6 from? - Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER I haven't got it.
Sean, how did you do it? 6 x 100 = 600 + 50 + 10 + 6 Yeah.
Well done.
666.
APPLAUSE - Spooky, isn't it? - Jon, how did you do it? 50 ÷ 10 = 5 + 6 + 6 = 11 + 100 + 100 = 111 x 6 APPLAUSE Showing off, though, wasn't it? Showing off.
You both got it right, but that is showing off.
We're both putting the bins out.
It's just like he's doing it backwards like this, moonwalking.
LAUGHTER That is how he puts his bins out, I reckon.
I'm just wheeling them out, going, "There's the bins, they're out.
" Same job's been done.
I genuinely do wheel them backwards.
So that if anything falls out while I'm wheeling it I don't stand in it.
But that's just Everyone does that, right? Oh, God! You're sapping our will to live.
Do you get excited when it's bin day? I wouldn't say excited.
But there's a little, you know It's like Christmas every fortnight.
LAUGHTER Have you ever eaten anything out of the bin? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's why Rob didn't do so well at speed dating.
LAUGHTER "Have you ever eaten anything out of a bin?" She's going, ding! "I'm out!" - What have you eaten out of the bin? - I haven't, I was asking him.
I have.
I've got this habit of picking at food.
And sometimes I'll sweep all the crumbs off the table and I'll go like this My wife will go, "What are you doing?" And I think I've got this part of my brain, like sort of lizard/scavenger bit.
And once, I was on the phone - you know those swings bins? I was on the phone chatting to someone and there was a big bit of tuna that had stuck AUDIENCE: Eww! And I was chatting on the phone, going, "Yeah, yeah, we'll try and organise that.
" And I started picking at it.
My wife was watching and I just picked it up and put it in my mouth.
She went "Oh, my God! What are you doing?!" And I just went, "Well, it's just a natural instinct - "to get food wherever you can.
" - To eat tuna out the bin?! LAUGHTER That was a good question.
- If we were speed dating, we would have hit it off.
- Yes.
And then Rob just looked at me and held my hand and went, "Oh, finally.
" LAUGHTER You'd be the only couple who'd gone to do it up against a skip and then been too full to have sex.
LAUGHTER OK, so time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Rob, what have you got for us? Oh, I was going to show you some of my favourite players - from my World Cup books.
- OK, lovely.
What have you got? - Can I have the special pen? - You may.
- Thank you.
Love the fact he's not allowed it the whole time, you take it off him in case he breaks it.
So that's the kind of guy I want to get from the jumble.
LAUGHTER If I get him - I think I'm on to a winner.
- Rob, how do you pronounce that surname? Um MisterMickey H.
LAUGHTER Also, what I found interesting about this book is I found my favourite player - Cristiano Ronaldo is a great player at the moment.
He's brilliant.
Also, he's become a bit of a sex symbol.
Not so much in 2006.
LAUGHTER That is him.
I tell you what, though, I'm not sure that Nuno Valente went on preseason training.
LAUGHTER That's fat me.
LAUGHTER We've got some other guys.
These are the Colombian goalkeepers.
That's the reserve keeper.
He's got a lot of hair.
And you think, "How do you get to become first-team keeper?" "More hair!" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Wow! The scores at the moment - Sean and Roisin have 16.
So do Jon and Jack.
And here is your teaser.
The words are OILY BINT.
The clue is - the Queen, for example.
That's OILY BINT - the Queen, for example.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were OILY BINT.
The clue was - the Queen, for example.
It was of course, NOBILITY.
OK, time to mix things up a bit.
They've been playing in teams so far, but just for this round it's going to be Roisin against Jack.
- So Jack, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do her.
Please can I have LAUGHTER Hold on.
I need to get into the zone.
You're playing for Jon here.
Jon's trying to get 890 points this evening.
874 now, Jimmy.
I'll have three vowels and four consonants.
And then another consonant.
E O E And then R D S And - Y - Yup.
M Let's have a Let's - A vowel.
- Sure.
Why not? Go crazy.
- A - OK.
And your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Roisin, how many have you got? APPLAUSE - Roisin? - I don't think I have a word.
What do you mean "you haven't got a word"? I don't think I have an ACTUAL word.
DEAD? DEAD? - DEAD's a word.
DEAD's a word.
- It isn't on there.
- It is.
- Is it? - Oh, no.
- I haven't got a word.
So nothing.
Jack, how many have you got? Can you beat none? Well, if she hasn't got a word, I'll go for one.
- OK, you've got What's your one? - I have a six, but I'm not going to play a six.
If there's no need to play a six, I'll play a two or a one.
- Play a six.
- You've got to reach for the stars if you want to touch BOTH: .
.
up a cloud.
You are, at the moment, licking the gutter.
- So, what are you going to go for, Jack? - I'll go for my six then.
- What's your six? - DREAMS OK, six points to Jack and it would appear Roisin doesn't have any dreams.
Aw Well, she does.
There's the one where she banged Ed Miliband.
APPLAUSE Can we have the Jimmy doll? - Be careful with him.
- Ready for this? MIMICS LAUGH: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! APPLAUSE - Don't do that! - Sorry.
- I can feel it when it happens.
Mm Oh OK, Rob, Susie, could they have done any better? - Well, in the football world - Yeah.
Only gone and got a footballer, ain't I? SERGIO RAMOS - Oh! - APPLAUSE Susie, in the world of words, could they have done any better? Yes, SMEARED is there.
OK, so Sean and Roisin have 16.
Jon and Jack are ahead with 22.
APPLAUSE OK, on to our next numbers round.
Roisin, your turn to pick your numbers.
Um, can I have, erm, - one from the top - Two.
.
.
two from the top and the rest from wherever you like, - Rachel.
- Yes, that's brilliant.
Thank you, Roisin.
For this round they are 4, 5.
- Come on, Roisin.
- 3, 8.
- You can do this.
- 25 and 50.
And the target And your time starts now.
OK.
So the target was 473.
Jack, did you get it? Nope.
Jon, did you get it? - Sean, did you get it? - 474 Roisin? No, I didn't get it.
What? What did you get? So, Jon, how did you get 474? Er 50 x 8 50 x 8 = 400 + (25 x 3) = 75 JON: 5 - 4 = 1 Yeah.
Oh, unzip that tent.
Nice.
- Sean, how did you do it? - The same.
Well, seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE - Rachel, can it be done? - It can.
And you can use all the numbers.
If you say 25 x 4 = 100 100 + 3 = 103 103 x 5 = 515 515 + 8 = 523 523 - 50 = 473 JACK: Oh.
Do you see the whole world like The Matrix? ROB: I switch off when someone does sums like that.
I can't keep up with it.
And they're doing it.
I'm not even having to do it and I can't keep up with listening to someone do it.
Like I'm not going to check that.
That could be bollocks.
They just go Fair enough, it seems like it's right.
OK, the scores at the moment, Sean and Roisin have 23, Jon and Jack have 29.
How far off your total are you, Jon? 861 points to go.
WEAKLY: Yay.
And here is your teaser.
The words are EAT VOMIT.
The clue is - you can do it.
That's EAT VOMIT - you can do it! See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were EAT VOMIT, the clue was - You can do it! It was, of course, MOTIVATE.
OK, before we go on, he doesn't work here any more but he keeps on turning up - ladies and gentlemen, it's Joe Wilkinson.
APPLAUSE WHISTLING AND CHEERING All right, Joe, you, um you look a bit different.
Yeah, I've started wearing a beret.
LAUGHTER I've also had my head removed and put in a jar, Jimmy.
Why have you had your head removed and put in a jar? I never really liked my body.
I thought rather than spend a fortune on plastic surgery, just get rid of it.
The idea was to get a new one, but then you fired me, you arsehole, and I ran out of cash.
Luckily, I've still got the old one - I just don't know how to put the head back on.
Still there, you see.
There it is.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE This is Lucy - it's what I call my body.
Lucy.
Say hello to Jimmy.
Ooh.
JACK: Oh, that's quite freaky.
JOE: You try not having a head, mate.
Eh, she doesn't like you, does she? Doesn't like you! Doesn't like you! What you doing? I can't see what you're doing.
What are you? Ugh - I can't see what you're This is the upside, though - when you remove your head, you become much better at Riverdance.
RIVERDANCE THEME PLAYS APPLAUSE Actually, I think I got a bit shitter.
LET'S PLAY COUNTDOWN! OK, on with the game.
Sean and Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
Lucy, are you going to help? LAUGHTER JOE: Fair enough, mate.
Er, vowel, please.
OK.
O.
Consonant.
Vowel.
E Consonant.
C Vowel.
I - Consonant.
- Steaming up, hold on.
- J - LAUGHTER Another consonant, please.
D - Another consonant - Completely missing the glass.
- N - APPLAUSE And another vowel, please.
And the last one - E.
OK, and your time starts now.
Roisin, how many did you get? 4.
4! You don't think it's a word? OK, Sean, how many did you get? 7.
7.
Jon? I think I got a 9! JIMMY DRUMS THE TABLE You genuinely think you got a 9? I genuinely think, no fooling, I've got a 9.
Cos if you get a 9, we're as good as the proper version of this show.
LAUGHTER I think I have a 9, Jimmy.
This is huge.
OK, Jack? I'm so confident in my partner here that I don't have anything.
LAUGHTER - It's all on you.
- It's all on you, big man.
OK, brilliant.
Roisin, let's hear your 4 first.
DEET.
LAUGHTER Like, um Like if you ask for someone's details, but you're trying to be cool.
And you only wanted half their phone number.
- Is it a word? - No.
Sorry.
Um, Sean, your word? JOINTED.
- Good.
- OK, JOINTED's there.
Pretty good.
Jon, have you got a 9? Part the clouds, ladies and gentlemen, Jon Richardson is about to tit up the sun.
LAUGHTER It's a word - do you know what? It's a word I've been dealing with all my life.
It's DEJECTION, Jimmy.
- JACK GASPS - Yes! Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 letters! Sorry, Jon, talk me through how you're feeling? It's the best feeling of my entire life.
Well, you get double points, because you got a 9-letter word.
Jon Richardson, everyone.
ALL CHEER Rob, what have you got for us? Um, I've got a footballer - can I have the pen, quickly? Only one I got, I found PAUL INCE.
I-N-C-E.
LIGHT LAUGHTER Well, I was quite happy with that, but fuck you.
LAUGHTER So, the scores at the moment are Sean and Roisin have 23, but Jon and Jack are way ahead in front with 47.
APPLAUSE Here is your final teaser.
The words are NICE ANUS, the clue is - It can get annoying.
That's NICE ANUS - It can get annoying.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NICE ANUS, the clue was "It can get annoying.
" It was of course NUISANCE.
OK, on with the game.
Jon and Jack, your turn to choose the letters.
You do this.
I, frankly, couldn't give a shit about anything any more.
This game is dead to me now.
Vanquished.
Is this is where we sweep in? Yeah, we swoop in and we both do different nines, we get 36 points and it's great.
- Come on.
- That's what normally happens, anyway.
Nobody's let me down so far.
This is your round, guys.
All vowels.
LAUGHTER SEAN: You're not allowed to do that.
It's cheating.
Two vowels, please.
U O And some consonants.
Like, three.
S L You going to do something, Lucy? R Then two more consonants.
S and N.
- Oh, he's back in the game.
- I can't resist it.
He can't resist it.
Two more vowels.
And another U, and E.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
HE PLAYS JAZZ CHEERING Jack, how many did you get? I'm trying to find a footballer so none yet.
None yet.
OK.
Jon? I'll try a seven.
Try a seven.
Sean? Nothing.
Not anything at all.
Not even I didn't even get one.
He's caught it off me.
Roisin, what did you get? - I think I've got a five.
- Five.
- Or probably not.
- OK, what is your? If this was the Grand National, right, and handicapping of horses, this would be equivalent of 18.
- We should double nines.
- I think if this was the Grand National, we would have shot Roisin some rounds ago.
LAUGHTER What's your five-letter word, Roisin? SOURS.
- Oh, yeah.
- SEAN: Well done.
- We've seen SOURS.
CHEERING SOURS.
Well, let's see if Jon can ruin her dreams.
RUNLESS, like a cricketer who hasn't scored any.
I had the same and it's not there.
Five points to Roisin.
Come on.
CHEERING Rob, could they have done any better? - UNLESS.
- UNLESS.
- For six.
- Unless what? - That's just a word.
- Six.
- Six.
- UNLESS.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Roisin have 28, Jon and Jack have 47.
Now, Jon, in order to get 890, you need to score 843 points.
But, weirdly, today, the conundrum is worth 843 points.
So, this is now a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
This means that you could win.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
I don't like this now.
I don't like this.
So, Jon, you could break the record.
Rub his head for good luck.
For 843 points, here's today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
LAUGHTER BUZZER I got it! - Have you got it? - Yeah.
BRACING.
- No.
EMBRACING.
- Oh.
EMBRACING.
Yeah, but he said BRACING - so they got it wrong.
- No.
- Well, I buzzed.
He buzzed.
AUDIENCE: Oh! AUDIENCE JEER I know.
What I'll do What I will do, Jack has pissed all over Jon's dream .
.
which would be a perfect way to end things but what I'd like to do, we're going to do another one.
- If it's OK with you, Sean.
- The rules are the rules and we should have a go, we'll have a guess.
- Well, he's already said it so - Well, I didn't hear it.
LAUGHTER I genuinely didn't.
I really genuinely didn't.
He said EMBRACING.
LAUGHTER I didn't here that.
I genuinely didn't.
Well, Sean, if you promise to me that you didn't hear it when he said EMBRACING I didn't hear it when you said it then.
No, didn't hear it.
OK, we'll do another crucial Countdown Conundrum.
I said EMBRACING.
So, for 843 points, here's today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
LAUGHTER I've got it.
I've got it.
BELL AUDIENCE: Oh! - That was me.
- JON: I've got it.
PITSTOP.
LAUGHTER It's the wrong answer.
Start the clock again.
Jon, press the button if you know it.
Pissed off! - BUZZER - Jon.
- Is it a word I'm not familiar with? - Yes, yes, it is.
- OPTIMISTS.
- Let's have a look.
CHEERING So, the final scores are Sean and Roisin have 28 points but tonight's winners, with 890 points, Jon and Jack.
Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of this Countdown shower curtain.
CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night.