Bewitched (1964) s05e02 Episode Script

Anybody home? "Darling, Tabitha and I have gone to the" Cousin Samantha and Tabitha have gone to the store.
Let me out.
Let me out.
Quiet, you wretch.
Sam? Yes, sweetheart.
Would you fix me an omelette? I'm hungry.
I' II be right down.
Oh, this is going to be a riot.
Honey? Boy, am I starved.
What was that for? You said you were starved.
Serena, what a lovely surprise! Is that Serena? How would you like to come to a neck-wringing party? I forgot my grocery list.
Now I'm glad I did.
Drat and double drat.
Darrin.
Aren't you gonna be late for your golf game? With her here, I think I'd better stay close to the house.
- Well, why don't we all go in the - Let me out! Let me out! What in the world was that? Let me out! Let me out! Cool it, Malcolm.
Malcolm? Darrin, go play golf.
Serena, so help me All right now, Serena.
Now that Darrin's gone, I want the facts.
- Who is that bird? - He is not a bird.
He's Super Fink.
- Aren't you, Malcolm? - Let me out! You know, you' re getting to be a bore.
Malcolm.
Isn't that the warlock you've been going with? "Been" is the correct tense.
- What did he do? - I' II tell you what he didn't do.
He didn't tell me he was married.
And if I know you.
You didn't bother to ask.
Serena, I will thank you not to use our home as a hideout.
So take your bird and get out of here.
What's that? It's Brunhilde.
Oh, she's tracked us down.
Thought you'd get away from me, eh? You little fool.
Now, Brunhilde Where is he? - I'm afraid you've made a little mistake.
- No.
Correction! You have made a mistake and it's not a little one.
- Now, if you'd just quiet down - No! You quiet down.
In the old days, they'd have put you away for husband-stealing.
The olden days.
I think that's exactly where I' II send you you wolfette.
Blow the winds And thunder crack Roll the years a century back Vixen, begone and mak e the switch Begone with the wind, you little witch I hope Darrin's going to be broad-minded about this.
Malcolm.
I know you' re here.
You show yourself or I' II whip up a tornado and blow you out! Sorry.
I knew it.
Brunhilde, my dearest.
You have saved me from a terrible fate.
This little witch apparently developed an incurable yen for me and when I refused to yield to her advances she cast a spell over me.
- Feel my hand.
It's still quivering.
- Oh, my poor dear.
And all this time, I thought you were philandering.
My dear, how could you think such a thing? Well, come along.
We' re going home.
I bet when the mice see her, they jump on chairs.
Look what they've done to you, you poor child.
Carpetbaggers! You need any help, honey? L - Where am I? - Oh, you do need help.
- This is New Orleans, child.
- New Orleans? What am I doing here? Well, I'd say not too good, if I'm any judge.
- Where you from? - Well, I'm from I can't remember.
- Well, what's your name? - My name is Now, look, child.
A pretty thing can't wander around the city not knowing her whereabouts or "whoseabouts.
" You better come home with me.
I' II get you clean clothes some food for you to fat up on.
Now you just come along with me, honey and I'm gonna take you home.
Aunt Jenny.
Contrary to gossip, I am not running a home for wayward girls.
But the poor thing is so frail and lost and all.
Can't she stay until her remembrance come back, Mr.
Rance? The answer is no.
She's been fed, now send her on her way.
She won't be no trouble.
I' II see to that.
And what are the neighbours going to say? An attractive bachelor like myself harbouring a young girl under my roof.
They gonna say, you are the most generous the most kindest gentleman there is.
My neighbours? Well, who cares what them no-accounts say.
Now she's outside waiting to thank you for the vittles.
- Can't you at least say hello? - No.
But I'm sure I shall have no peace until I do.
- Bring her in.
- Thank you, Mr.
Rance.
That silly woman.
It's ridiculous.
Every stray cat that comes wandering by, she just This is the young lady, Mr.
Rance.
And this is Mr.
Rance Butler.
My dear.
My house is your house for as long as you like.
Perhaps even longer.
This is a nightmare.
A nightmare! Oh, Sam! Will you stop whining and let me concentrate? Now I have to remember that incantation word for word.
Blow, ye winds And thunder crack How could this happen? Vixen, begone and mak e the switch I go out to play golf.
When I come back, my wife's in the twilight zone.
Links to jinx! Begone with the wind You little witch That's it! - Which? - Oh, well.
It's close enough.
You see, it's your average Beauty And The Beast curse.
If she gives a willing kiss to a mortal, she'll return to the present.
Now listen, Serena.
Sam's not kissing any mortal unless it's me.
Exactly, darling.
You mean, I gotta go back? - Exactly, darling.
- Yeah, exactly, darling.
Oh, now, it's really very simple.
By using the same incantation I can send you to the same time and place.
Serena, this better work.
but I wouldn't want to live there.
I find her, she kisses me and that's it? - Right.
- I'm ready.
There's just one little thing I ought to mention.
- Samantha won't know you, of course.
- Of course.
What? How could she? You haven't been born yet.
I' II be a perfect stranger to my own wife? Stranger, yes.
But hardly perfect.
Serena, if they ever put a price on your head, I' II gladly pay it.
Oh, you make such a big deal out of nothing.
Here goes.
And hang on to that picture.
You' II need it.
Blow, ye winds and thunder crack Roll the years a century back - Why, Rance! - How beautiful.
You sitting there magnolias waving in the breeze those happy voices singing.
Happy? - They love me, you know.
- Really? Then why do they keep singing "Massa's in de Cold, Cold Ground"? What are you doing home from work? You left an hour ago.
Well, a man is entitled to some leisure moments.
Besides I couldn't bear being separated from you any longer.
Oh, why, Rance, what a thing to say! We've known each other for such a short time.
Long enough for me to know I've fallen quite in love, I'm afraid.
Oh, why, Rance, you can't be serious.
You don't even know my name.
So what? Neither do you.
My dearest say you' II marry me.
If only I knew who I was or where I came from.
Oh, my Darling, what does it matter? Let's simply say that you've been reborn that you come to me with no ties, no past.
Only a future.
Rance.
Rance, let me go.
Please! Is it too soon? No, but your stickpin's killing me.
Curses.
I'm sorry, my dear.
Oh, my poor child.
I've overexcited you.
I know the very thing.
I' II have Aunt Jenny bring you some sassafras tea.
Please don't.
But it' II calm your nerves.
Have you ever tried it? Yes.
And I'd rather be nervous.
Strange girl.
- Hello.
Is this the Butler plantation? - Yes, it is.
- Are you Aunt Jenny? - Depends.
- Is you a bill collector? - No.
- I'm Aunt Jenny.
- I was told you found a young lady wandering and you brought her here.
- A blonde, pretty? - That's right.
I'd like to see her, please.
Won't do you no good.
She's taken.
- Taken? - I happen to know from over-listening that Mr.
Rance is going to marry her.
What? And if he do, guess who's going to get a raise for bringing that lovely child home? He can't marry her.
She's already married to me! Guess who's going to be looking for a job.
Excuse me.
Aunt Jenny! What's all this ruckus? Mr.
Rance, you about to commit bigotry.
Mr.
Butler, my name is Darrin Stephens and I'm looking for - Sam! - Sam? Sam? - Who are you? - Sir! What is the meaning of this? She doesn't remember me, because of what's happened, but I'm her husband.
But as soon as she kisses me, it' II all come back.
Pucker up, Sam.
Don't you dare touch me! See? Doesn't that prove we' re married? Sir, take your hands off that lady.
Why, this is preposterous! If you can prove your claim, then do so.
If not, then get out! All right.
Take a look at that.
Now where would I get that, if I weren't her husband? Why, you could have secured this in any number of ways.
Boy, are you a tough customer.
I didn't want to do this, but you' re forcing me to.
Sam, take off your dress.
I beg your pardon! Dear sir, what is the meaning of this? Put me down and I' II tell you.
She has a mole in the middle of her back.
I' II be the judge of that, sir.
Take it off.
You are certainly no gentleman, sir.
I'm not trying to prove I'm a gentleman just that I'm your husband.
- Sir, I don't know who you are or why you insist upon making this claim but I cannot stand by and watch her humiliated any further.
- Out you go, sir.
- No, wait! Wait! Aunt Jenny, get your sassafras tea.
If I see your foolish face around here again l' II have you horsewhipped.
You Yankee.
Whatever happened to Southern hospitality? My apologies for my violent outburst but obviously the man is a fraud.
He called me Sam.
Which proves my point.
What sort of a name is Sam for a beautiful young lady? Sam? What a strange name.
Darrin.
That's even stranger.
He's right.
They love him to death.
Please, Sam, don't scream.
I promise I' II explain everything to you.
Will you promise not to scream? All right.
You promised and a lady never breaks her promise, right? Sam, what l I didn't break my promise.
You' re the one who screamed.
You' re darn right You' re darn right I did.
That hurt.
Look, we' II never get out of here unless What? You again? Somebody's going to get horsewhipped.
Unhand her, you.
Are you all right, my beloved? What is the meaning of this, sir? - You want me to go fetch the sheriff? - That won't be necessary, Jenny.
Oh, That's right.
We' re all civilized human beings, and - Don't stand there.
Get the sheriff! - Here.
What is this for? I never attack an unarmed man, sir.
- Who's armed? - Why, you polecat! You pick that up and defend yourself or I' II run you through.
Okay, but you' re contradicting yourself.
En garde.
Rance, no! Let him go.
Why are you wasting your pity on this cur? Now wait a minute.
I think if we just sit down and discuss this like civilized human beings - You, Yankee! Polecat! Oh, Rance.
Look what you've done! Oh, you poor thing.
Are you hurt? - Just a flesh wound.
- This man needs a doctor.
He doesn't need a doctor.
He needs a tailor.
On your feet, sir.
- Don't you touch him.
- Why are you protecting that polecat? I don't know.
He's seems so So helpless.
So innocent.
So So what? Where'd they go? Where did who go? The young lady and that Yankee.
I didn't see no young lady and no Yankee.
- You didn't? - No.
Come to think of it, neither did I.
Serena, cut that out.
Hi, coz.
How's the big hero this morning? Fortunately for you, he doesn't remember a thing.
I put a spell on him so he' II think it was a dream.
Very clever.
Boy, did I have a terrible night.
And it doesn't look like much of a morning either.
Good morning to you too.
Did I have a nightmare! I dreamt some old witch put a curse on you and put you back 100 years.
I had to go back and rescue you.
- Is that weird? - It certainly is.
And you were in it too, somewhere.
You changed this guy into a bird, and his wife She was the one who put the curse on you.
I had to climb up a wall to get to you.
The trellis broke.
I fell right on my That's funny.
Sweetheart, why don't you sit down.
Have your cereal.
Wait a minute.
How come I got a bruise right where I fell in the dream? Or would you prefer pancakes and sausages? And what's Sunday's paper doing here when it's only Saturday? It is Sunday, isn't it? And it wasn't a dream! Darrin, it's all over now.
I wouldn't say that.
I could have been killed.
Not to mention the sabre duel.
I've got a good mind never to speak to you again after what you Sabre duel?