Black-ish (2014) s05e02 Episode Script

1 DRE: It's often been said, "A man's home is his castle.
" We do everything necessary to maintain and protect our property.
[Sword strikes.]
[Cellphone chimes.]
The only problem is, you can't control what other people do with their castles [Indistinct shouting.]
which can really suck if you happen to be the castle-owner next door.
- [Sword clatters.]
- Yep.
That's what's been happening in my kingdom.
Ugh, will you look at this? Hey, Dre, what ya doing? - Come on, Janine! - Oh, I'm sorry.
I wanted to talk to you, and sometimes when I knock on your door, I feel like you guys pretend not to be home.
We don't pretend not to be home.
We pretend we can't hear the door.
All right, uh, is this Is all this Airbnb people? Yeah, the Kellys really screwed us when they decided to rent out their house.
I mean, these people leave pizza boxes on the lawn, they they park in front of my driveway.
Last weekend, there was a party.
I found human poo in my garden.
It could've been an animal.
Ohh, Dre, I think I know the difference.
[Chuckles.]
I can't believe I'm agreeing with you, but [sighs.]
this does need to be handled.
That's why I'm talking to all the neighbors, - and we are gonna call the police.
- Nope! Good luck with your white-people fight.
Keep my name out of it.
You guys wouldn't believe what Janine just asked me to do.
She tried to get you to call the police about those renters.
How'd you know? Blond hair? Always outside? I know a snitch when I see one.
She's right to want to do something, though.
You know, I was running by that house this morning, and a couple of the guys were catcalling me - Hmm.
- saying I was sexy.
Hmm.
You've just been waiting for a way to get that story out? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[Laughs.]
And I'm gonna tell it when I get to work, but seriously, that house is a problem.
Okay, well, calling the cops is not an option.
- Okay.
- The Johnsons don't snitch.
- That's right.
- Okay.
Wait, I thought Johnsons don't eat leftovers.
No, that's just because Dad doesn't leave enough for leftovers.
Junior, I wanted Cheddar Bunnies instead of Goldfish.
Ooh, that new kid, Wyatt, he loves Cheddar Bunnies, too.
[Scoffs.]
What?! Shut up.
I don't even know Wyatt.
I don't even know if he eats.
All right, I got to go to the hospital, guys.
There's been a horrible bus accident.
Bye.
- POPS: All right, Bow.
- JUNIOR: Bye, Mom.
- Bye.
- Yeah, you do.
You gave Wyatt all of your snacks yesterday.
[Whispering.]
Shut up! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
My baby girl has a crush on a boy.
[Baby talk.]
Yes, she does.
[High-pitched.]
You've got a crush on a boy! - Kindly unhand me, Mother.
- Unhanding.
Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.
My neighbor won't leave me alone.
Oh-ho! Been there.
But lookit, Dre, you got to tell her, say, "Hey, we're both married.
This has got to end, Jocelyn.
You know, eventually, your husband's gonna come home from war.
" Okay, your life is disgusting.
And it's not that.
She wants me to call the police on an Airbnb on our block.
- No, she don't.
[Scoffs.]
- Yes, she does.
What's the big deal about having renters on your street? Yeah, and where do you have to be from to think that your neighborhood is a vacation destination? [Laughs.]
Really, just call the cops.
I'm not gonna do that, all right, because Black people, we don't snitch.
That's right.
We do not.
I once was tied up in a basement with a phone that only dialed 911, and I still refused to snitch on my captors.
- Mm-hmm.
- They say, "Snitches get stitches.
" Unfortunately, so do non-snitches.
- Oh, my God.
They stabbed you? - Worse.
When I finally got home, I tried to cut a bagel.
Six stitches in my palm.
But I never snitched on that bagel.
Calling law enforcement is not snitching.
And besides, as a landowner, it's actually one of your constitutional rights.
Just doesn't feel right.
Okay, let's say your house catches on fire.
What do you do? - You call the fire department, right? - Mm-hmm.
If your son falls and breaks his leg, you call the ambulance, right? If your yacht ran aground full of cocaine and prostitutes, you'd call a Senator.
I'm just saying.
Make the system work for you.
- Ooh, I am slaying in this one.
- Uh-huh.
Ugh, but my eyes are closed.
Oh, no, I got you, sis.
Just use that Top Shot thing.
All right.
And boom.
Check it out.
It automatically loses the sleepy-slay pic and chooses the best one.
- Crisis averted.
- Thank you! - [Chuckles.]
- Mm-hmm.
Boy, bye boy, hi.
- Right.
- What are we doing? Ooh hi.
Are we posting pictures for Wyatt? [Chuckles.]
Let me see.
[Grunts.]
Let me get in here.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
[Chuckles.]
Let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see! - [Gasps.]
That one's beautiful.
- What?! How you gonna put me out there like that? I didn't put you anywhere! You don't see that wonky eyebrow? Diane, you have Mommy's eyebrows.
You do.
So just delete that one that Mom liked and post that one.
- Um - [Cellphone chimes.]
[Gasps.]
He liked it already! - No way! [Gasps.]
- Yeah! Oh, my God! Ah, ah, okay.
Everybody calm down.
You know what you need to do? You need to like one of his pictures.
[Gasps.]
Oh, should she, Mom? - Yes! - One or two or maybe all? - Oh, two.
- Why not all of them from this year? - Right? - Oh, my God! Yes, yes! And that way, he will know that you are interested.
[Laughs.]
- Are you messing with me? - Yes, I am.
- What? - Okay, Diane, if you really want this to work with Wyatt, just do what I say.
- Okay.
- Text, "You're so funny.
" No, that's weird.
But next, you text him, "Sorry, wrong person.
" - Ooh, yeah.
- No, that's No, don't.
- That's manipulative.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- That's weird.
- [Gasps.]
Shh! - Wait, what? - He texted back.
- No, he did not! - Already? And he asked if I wanted to go to ice cream on Saturday! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [Screeching laughter.]
Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice creeaaam! Ice cream.
[Singsong voice.]
We are going to ice cream with a boy.
We are You're closing the door.
- Wait.
- Congratulations.
Thank you so much! DRE: What the hell? Hey, Dre, someone's blocking your driveway.
Pretty aggravating, huh? Maine plates, too.
[Groaning.]
Aahh! I wish there was something we could do.
What do you want me to do about it, Janine? I'm just saying.
I mean, they're right over there.
They gave that guy a ticket for putting his trash in my can.
Seems extreme.
All right, maybe, maybe.
Look, if you wanna keep your sweet ride parked on the street tonight, you know, fine by me.
Hope no one tries to key it.
Anything else we can help you with, ma'am? No, no, I'm okay.
Thank you.
Unless my friend Mr.
Johnson needs something.
Uh Well, this guy's kinda blocking my driveway.
Kind of? You can't even access your property.
This is some real Maine [bleep.]
.
You want it towed or ticketed? I thought that was your choice.
You're the homeowner.
You're the boss.
What are you doing? Can you believe how far this Airbnb lady parked her car in the street? It's got to be over 3 feet.
Hey, want to help me measure it before I call it in to the police? Whoa.
I-I thought Johnsons don't snitch.
Don't be ignorant.
All right, it's not snitching when you're a homeowner.
Oh, uh Okay, cool.
[The Isley Brothers' "It's Your Thing" plays.]
Here you are.
Drive safe out there.
It's your thing Do what you wanna do I can't tell you Who to sock it to It's your thing Go, Dre, go! Do what you wanna do [Alarm beeping.]
- Time.
- I can't tell you - [Ringing.]
- Who to sock it to - DISPATCHER: 911, what's your emergency? - If you want me to love you - Maybe I will - Uh, oh, hell no! - Light 'em up.
- All right.
It ain't no big deal You need love now Just as bad as I do Makes me no difference now Who you give your thing to All right.
Everybody say "lemonade"! - Lemonade! - Lemonade! [Camera shutter clicks.]
As I drove my steel steed through my kingdom, I heard the much-too-loud merriment of peasants.
[Music plays in distance.]
But I was secure in the fact that my castle would always be protected by my ever-ready knights of Sherman Oaks, who were only a three-digit call away.
A three-digit call I could not make in this instance.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, hey, sweetie.
Hi.
Aah! Bloop, bloop! Look.
I found a couple of options for you that might be great for your ice cream situation.
- That's okay.
- Oh.
Zoey already picked something out for me.
Okay, I mean, that's fine.
It's so cute.
Okay.
Let's see.
Oh, yeah.
I guess that's cuter.
Maybe I could do something cute with your hair.
Zoey already told me what to do with my hair, so Oh.
Got it.
It's a sister thing.
Yeah.
I-I thought we were doing the, like, communal female empowerment "sister" pbht! thing.
[Chuckles.]
I'll head out, then.
Sounds like Zoey's got it under control.
I'll close this.
Yep.
- Yeah.
It's fine.
You can close it.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay, sweetheart.
Love you.
[Door closes.]
[Cellphone chimes.]
What?! Um [Sighs.]
[Ringing.]
Hey, this is Zoey.
Leave a message.
- [Voicemail beeps.]
- Hi, Zoey.
He just asked if we should split it or if he should pay.
What do I say? You know what? Just call me back.
Bye.
New problem I started chatting, and then I bailed, and I'm pretty sure he saw the bubbles, and then I saw his bubbles, and then they went away.
So please help me.
I mean, he should pay, right? Yeah.
He should be able to take care of a woman.
Well, you know, I don't want that! I don't want him to take care of me.
I'm an independent woman! I am, right? Zoey, just please tell me what kind of woman I am! [Sighs.]
[Quietly.]
This is Diane.
[Indistinct conversations, music plays in distance.]
- Ah, hey, neighbor.
- [Chuckles.]
- How's everything? - Uh, pretty loud, don't you think? So, when did the cops say they were gonna get here? Uh, they didn't because I didn't call them.
Dre we have to call them.
I-I have to get up early tomorrow for my Tinder date.
No, just going hiking and then we're gonna have sex.
[Laughs.]
No, here, seriously, blow up the spot.
You know you love to call the police, Drop-A-Dime Dre.
Yeah, drop the dime like it's hot! - Come on.
- What, you don't like free music? Oh Oh, I got it, I got it.
Right.
Don't want to call the cops because they're Because they're ashy? - No! No.
- What? Because they're African-American Blacks.
Okay, okay.
All right, you're right.
All right, I don't want to call the cops on them - because they're Black.
- All right, I get it.
You grew up with them.
Okay.
- I got your back.
I will call for you.
- No, you don't.
When you call the cops on Black people, things can escalate quickly.
Well, what I'm I'm just supposed to do nothing? Yeah, you're not in danger.
You're just feeling uncomfortable.
And that's how you end up in a viral video as the next Barbecue Becky.
I cannot go viral.
Those memes do nothing but zero in on your weaknesses, and I'm I'm mostly weaknesses.
- Good call.
- Uh-huh.
Hey.
Why aren't you dressed? Wyatt texted me, and I didn't know how to respond.
Oh.
Zoey promised that she would help me, but I couldn't get in touch with her.
Ah Okay, well what did you write back? I panicked and sent some random emojis that ended with a New Zealand flag and a Steve Harvey mustache.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
He freaked out and bailed on ice cream.
Oh, honey.
Oh.
- Oh, sweetheart.
- [Sighs.]
It's okay.
What does it mean when you don't want to seek revenge on someone? It means that you liked them a lot.
It's okay, sweetheart.
[Music playing in distance.]
- Uh, Dad? - Hmm? What are we doing? Devante can't go down with all this music, and he's a little too young for all the explicit lyrics.
Look, he's barely a year old, all right? He doesn't even understand the words.
Oh, all right.
So I guess you're fine with his first words being the A-word or the B-word.
Or "skeet skeet skeet.
" Do something about this.
Look, you got two options.
One, you could do nothing.
Two, if you was a man, you'd go out there and you'd talk to them.
I'm a man.
- You know what? - [Tablet thuds.]
And I will go over there and I will talk to him, man to man.
Go ahead.
Man to many men who have been drinking.
You know what? Uh maybe I'll take the dog with me.
Damn it, why couldn't I have a pit bull? Stop watching that baby so much.
It's weird.
Uh, hey! Hey, uh Is that that, uh That that new Lil Uzi Vert? You know, uh Y'all having, uh, kind of like a front-yard thing.
We're kind of a backyard-thing kind of neighborhood.
But it's all good.
I'm Dre.
I'm Dre.
I'm, um, from up the block.
What up, sir? You know, I just You know, I just wanted to, uh, just give you the heads-up.
You know, some of the neighbors, they be trippin', you know, 'cause 'cause your music your music's kind of loud.
Uh, d Damn, man.
We We weren't even thinking about it, man.
Uh yo, go tell Sean to turn it down some, all right? Huh.
All right.
Okay.
You know, appreciate this.
- Edwin.
- Oh, okay.
- What's up, Edwin? - We're just in town for the weekend - pre-gaming before we hit the club.
- Which club? You know, I might I might hit it, too.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
All right.
Hey, uh, I just want to, uh thank you guys, you know, for being, uh, so cool.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it.
Yeah, all right.
Wasn't so damn hard.
I didn't even need that damn dog.
[Police siren chirps.]
[Sirens wailing.]
All right.
Shake that speed up - No one moves.
- Oh, okay.
Breathe in, breathe out Shake that speed up Go fast, slow down [Police radio chatter.]
Hey, wait, Dre.
What did you do? What did you do?! I told you, "Don't call the cops.
" I couldn't have called them! Whenever I smoke my cataract medicine, I always lock my phone in the safe because of last time.
Dad, what's going on? Son, just go back in the house, all right? Somebody called the police, and we have to work this out.
Okay, just go home.
It wasn't "somebody.
" I-I called the police.
[Siren chirps.]
Why would you call the police? I-I just did what we do when the neighbors are loud.
But did you know that they were Black? Describe them? Uh Black, Black, Black, Black.
Yeah, all Black.
Is that how you said it?! But you said it's okay to call the cops if you're a homeowner.
[Sighs.]
Man.
We really need to talk.
Come on.
ZOEY: This lobster roll is insane.
I promise to never eat at a place without wheels again.
Seafood in a hot truck 3,000 miles from Maine.
Mm, what could go wrong? Right? Good evening, Zoey.
- Mom.
- Mm-hmm.
Um w-wow.
You're You're at a place I'm at.
Diane has been trying to get in touch with you.
Oh, I was gonna call her back.
Do you understand what happened tonight? What? Wyatt canceled.
He canceled ice cream with Diane.
Nooooo Who's Wyatt? Go away.
Okay, it it's not that big of a deal.
I figured she had it handled.
She chose you to be there for her, and you promised that you would be.
You're just coming down on me because she wants my help and not yours.
Okay, I get that you're in college now, Zoey, and you can pop by the house and pick up clothes and drop your little smart-ass comments whenever you want.
Fine.
But you cannot fly in and out of your sister's life.
Do you hear me? She's 13 years old! That was her first date! Zoey! You have a responsibility to be there for her and treat her better than some skirt that you just left behind! That's what you did! Um, Dr.
Johnson? I'm so sorry about before.
I brought you some tots.
Thank you, and gimme the lobster roll.
Oh, but I JACK: So, you're mad at me for calling the cops? Look you know, I should've made it clear to you that we're not just homeowners.
We're Black homeowners, and because we're Black, we have to look at things through kind of a dual lens.
You know, we need to think about every situation and how it should go normally, and how it could go 'cause we're Black.
Like, being asked to sit on the curb while they checked your ID.
They didn't ask any of the white people to do that.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Yeah, it's different for us, baby boy.
It's like those two brothers that were handcuffed while waiting for a meeting at Starbucks.
Or that Ivy League student who was harassed for napping in a common area.
- Those were all somebody's kids.
- Just like you.
And it makes me sick to think that someone would call the police on you just because they thought you didn't belong there - because of the color of your skin.
- Mm-hmm.
And it scares me to think of what could happen.
See, calling the police on Black people ain't nothing to play with.
Yeah, I-I get it now.
But can I still call the cops on white people? Can't say yes, but I won't say no.
I still can't believe it.
- Hmm? - One second, Diane's small enough to be swaddled in the palm of my hand, and next thing you know, she's talking about her first date.
Well I'm still a little shook that I'm having one-on-one race conversations with Jack.
Mm.
- The twins are growing up, babe.
- Mm-hmm.
- With Zoey and Junior - Mm-hmm.
we can get through this with the twins.
Now, good thing we don't have to do that again.
[Laughs.]
Amen.
[Devante cries.]
- [Whispering.]
Oh, my God - Ah.
Why do we keep forgetting about Devante? No, no, it's fine, though.
It's fine.
[Whispering.]
Junior's got it.
- That's weird.
- [Crying continues.]
JUNIOR: I'm coming, Devante! Yeah, it's weird.
[Crying continues.]
You know, next time, when I say I'll be there, I'll actually be there.
I promise.
So, what are we doing about the whole Wyatt situation? Well, if he can't accept me for my Steve Harvey mustache emoji, then he doesn't deserve me at my dancing lady emoji.
- Boom.
- I'm out on Wyatt.
- [Chuckles.]
Tell it.
- [Slurping.]
[Exhales sharply.]
That name Wyatt It's a pretty cool throwback name, huh? Junior, that's not what we're doing.
- No.
- We're the other way.
Why are you even here? Oh, well, you know, I'm still doing the whole gap-year thing.
- Yep.
- All my friends are away at college.
I'm a bit lonely.
Sweetheart No, it's all good 'cause we've got each other.
And there is nothing weird about this.
[Slurping.]