Californication s05e02 Episode Script

Previously on Californication It's yo agent, calling from the coast, with the prospect of a significant payday.
I'll take it.
- [Gasps.]
- Oh, shit.
Man, what are the odds? I end up next to the most beautiful woman in the Tri-state area, and I go and spill a drink in her lap.
Guess we shouldn't ruin it by keeping in touch or anything.
Alas, this one's not your lady anymore, Hank.
- He's like you - Bates.
But awesome.
- How's Becca? - Boyfriend.
Now, I want to kill him, Hank.
We're keeping it simple.
I come in peace, okay? The kid's a loathsome fuckin' asshole.
Great seeing you, dad.
Always a pleasure.
- He wants Hank to come to him.
- Who the fuck is "he"? Samurai Apocalypse.
I need your words.
What the fuck else you gonna do, write another book? Fuck that, let's get paid, motherfucker.
Moody, this is Kali.
Remember this name, Kali, yo.
[Sexy rock music.]
Oh, my word.
I don't think this is such a good idea.
Why? Was I doing something wrong? Oh, no, no, no.
That was world class.
- [Laughs.]
- Some girls are timid and lack focus, but you, you should be in porn.
Hmm? But only if you want to be.
You are not taking this in the spirit in which it was intended.
Mm-mmm.
Mmm.
Allow me to explain.
No, allow me, motherfucker! [Screams.]
Die! Die, motherfucker! Yaaaah! [Grunts.]
- Whoo! - [Sighs.]
Charlie, thank God.
[Sighs.]
You weren't just blowin' me right now, were you? No, sirree, I most certainly was not.
- Not even a little bit? - No.
No.
Your Magic Johnson was nowhere near my oral cavity.
I did just beat off in the shower, though.
Yeah.
I even got a little cum on my foot, right here.
Don't worry, washed right off.
You are a fuckin' animal, you know that? Goddamn L.
A.
I only have dreams like this when I'm here.
Hey, now.
You relax.
Have yourself a cup of black gold.
Hey, you know what we'll do? We will--we will take a walk along the beach, we'll gaze upon some foxy Malibu hard bodies.
Fuck that shit.
Can you get me on a plane back to New York tonight, please? What about Samurai Apocalypse? What about him? He wants you, and only you.
He loves your black ass.
Well, it's always nice to have one's black ass wanted, but I'm not sure if the feelings are reciprocated.
Well, then you'll have to tell him.
That's your job, agent.
He is a very important client, Hank.
- This needs to be finessed.
- And if it isn't? Then I will be very upset with you.
[Sighs.]
And what would that entail, exactly? - I'm not sure exactly.
- [Laughs.]
But it will probably involve not returning your calls in a timely manner.
[Laughing.]
Oh, no.
[Cell phone tune.]
Aw, fuck.
Yo-la.
Becca is really upset with you.
Yeah, that's sort of a trending topic right now.
I just think you should try and make it up to her before you leave town.
White woman, please.
She'll thank me later.
Maybe, but you know, in the meantime, you could kiss and make nice.
[Laughing.]
She's your only daughter.
Oh, thank God.
- What? - [Laughs.]
What are you doin' over there? Are you and Bates playin' grab-ass? - Stop.
- Woman-- - [Laughing.]
Stop.
- Be a professional, for Christ's sake.
Does--d-d-does Becca need an iPad or something like that? - What? - Bye, Hank.
Ka-- Charlie, can you get me an iPad? Most certainly, if you sit down with the Samurai.
You're a real twatty fuckin' cunt, you know that? Twat? Twat? I cunt hear you.
I've got an ear in-fuck-tion.
I'll finger it out later.
You still got some cum on your foot.
Made you look.
[Mouth click.]
[Upbeat music.]
[Hard rock music.]
Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Becca Moody.
Ta-da! [Whistles.]
Ta-da.
Oh, you have one already? I'm not 12.
You can't bribe me anymore.
Well, you can, but you have to adjust for lifestyle and inflation.
I am not tryin' to bribe you, sweetie.
I'm just tryin' to weaken your steely resolve to hate the old man.
I don't hate you.
I'm just disappointed that you don't trust me, and that you can't put aside all your petty judgmental bullshit for the duration of one simple dinner.
That's fair.
[Sniffs.]
But he was kind of a tool.
This is how you say you're sorry? [Sighs.]
You're right.
- Let's--let's switch gears.
- [Laughs.]
What? Mmm.
What, you don't want to man-pound? Not really.
Especially when you put it that way.
Okay, fine, be that way, dude.
- What are you doin' here? - I go here.
Aren't you a little old for college? What are you, on the six-year plan, Stephen Hawking? It's called grad school.
I'm a T.
A.
- It's how we met.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, that's against the rules.
Dad, during your tenure as a college professor, you slept with your T.
A.
, the Dean's wife, and one of your students.
She was a stripper, too.
Way to go, Hank.
Up high.
If you must know, that was a particularly tough time for me.
- I was not well.
- Mm-hmm.
[Sniffs.]
And I have learned from my mistakes.
This is not going as I had hoped.
iPad 2? Very nice.
He tried to bribe me with it.
- You already have one.
- That she does.
Well, I don't already have one.
[Gasps.]
Wow.
Thanks, Hank.
You're really startin' to grow on me.
Pink, though? Is that-- Whatever, I'll take it.
[Laughs.]
Mmm.
[Laughs.]
Put my daughter back on the ground, please.
[Rock music.]
Fredo, how's it hanging? Oh, quite low, sir.
Is the master expecting you? No, this is more of a cold call.
- Oh, do please come in, sir.
- Thank you.
Hey.
What the fuck are you doing here? I might ask you the very same question.
It's complicated.
I'm guessing he doesn't know we're married.
[Laughs.]
You're funny.
And we just made out on a plane.
We were up in the air.
What's the big deal? You know, he has guns, and samurai swords.
I had a dream about you last night.
Really? Mm-hmm.
You know what's funny? That little high school make out session of ours, I can't stop thinkin' about it.
You? Never.
- Ever.
- Hmm.
You have extremely moist lips.
They're like kissable cupcakes.
It's as if sprinkles and crumbs got together - [Laughs.]
- And made sweet love and had these delicious little smoochable cupcake babies.
Hank Moody! 'Sup, nigga? [Laughs.]
Better not be hittin' on my girl.
- I'm not your girl, Calvin.
- Ooh, Calvin? Just playin', baby.
What you doin' here, man? You should be in Starbucks writin' me some funny shit, some funny, quotable shit, too, nigga.
Yeah, uh, that's the thing.
I don't think I can do it.
What the fuck are you talkin' about, man? What, they ain't payin' you enough? No, no, it-it's not the money.
I just don't want to.
Why, because I'm black? No, it's not 'cause you're black.
I love the fact that you're black.
What, it's because I got a white butler? No, I love the fact that you got a white butler.
Alfred is awesome.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
- Respect.
Oh, this is because you hate hip-hop, right? No! Well, yeah, I do hate hip-hop, but that's not why.
Oh, you're just mad 'cause I be dealin' with that crazy-ass pussy, huh? No, I fucked all sorts of crazy pussy, too.
Nigga, you don't be fuckin' the kinda crazy pussy I be fuckin'.
Tell him, Alfred.
Nigger, you don't be fuckin' the same kind of crazy pussy as he be fuckin', sir.
You'd be surprised, both of you.
Yeah, right, like this fine-ass bitch right here.
Will you stop callin' me a fuckin' bitch, please? Come on, mama, just peacockin', baby.
She is a beautiful woman.
True dat.
What's with the use of all this urban patois, man? Hey, it's the A-B-Cs of me, baby.
[Scoffs.]
Aw, fuck.
Yo, I gotta be somewhere, man.
Come with me, yo.
Gimme one day and I'm gonna show you why you want to be in the Apocalypse business, man.
[School bell rings.]
He did what? Are you gonna make her repeat it? I need to understand.
You're saying he took it out.
He took his penis out, and he was masturbating in front of Ava.
- [Laughs.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Masturbating? - [Laughing.]
Poor little Ava.
She's so cute, but she's a little tweaked, though, right? - You gotta admit.
- You can't even call it masturbation, I mean, he's-- he's barely three.
Can you cover that-- cover it up.
Well, his penis was fully erect, and he was manipulating it.
Sounds like he was experimenting.
Or maybe he just intended to be funny.
You know, bring a little sunshine into her day.
I blame you, Charlie.
Like father, like son.
Oh, yeah, right, the day you-- Charlie, Marcy, this is not the time or the place for the blame game.
How can we repair this? Ava's mother was horrified.
- Sure.
- Oh, it's terrible.
And, she's threatening to pull her out of school.
- [Gasps.]
- That would be bad.
We'd rather that not happen, so Perhaps an apology.
How about a sizable donation? Well, that would be helpful as well.
- Done.
- I'm sure.
- Thank you.
- [Mumbling.]
Very helpful.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Great.
You write the check.
I'll press the flesh.
Come on, we have the nanny interviews.
I know, I know.
What happened to Irma? "I put perfect.
" Marcy gave her the axe.
- [Blows air.]
- What? Involve the father, maybe? Are you gonna be paying their salary? No, but she's gonna spend a lot of time around my son, and I should be given meaningful consultation.
Fine.
Fine.
We'll narrow it down.
We'll bring you in for call-backs, okay? - Stuart! - Right, I'm coming.
[RZA's 2 Left Shoes.]
I love my niggas to death down to the last breath but the last breath, I'ma save for myself What the fuck? Don't mess with my music, man.
That's my shit, motherfucker.
That's me.
All right, how am I supposed to know? That could be Run D.
M.
C.
, for all right I know.
Man, you don't know shit about hip-hop, do you? No, I'm more of a classic rock guy, you know, Zeppelin, The Who, Zevon Oh! - Air supply.
- Oh, no.
All that fuckin' dinosaur shit sound the same to me.
See, this is a real ebony and ivory moment here.
We hate each other's music, which makes us different, but kinda the same.
- [Scoffs.]
Uh, huh.
- Feel me? - Yeah, I feel you.
- Want a man pound? - No.
- Little dap? - [Laughs.]
- Gonna leave me hangin'? - Hang, motherfucker.
- Oh, now this I like.
Oh, that's Kali, man.
Fuckin' voice of an angel.
[Kiss.]
- Church.
- I tell you something, Moody.
I been around the world, man, I railed many bitches, man, but this one right here, she's somethin' special, man.
I think she gonna be a big star.
This car is givin' me the fuckin' creeps.
I feel like we're about to roll into the Warsaw ghetto.
Oh, shit, I ain't never been there.
How the fuck is the food? - Scarce.
- [Scoffs.]
Just so I can maintain he's livin' for his life, and in two left shoes livin' for his life, and in two left shoes What are we doin' here? Big Hollywood meetin', man.
Look alive.
- Pete Berg.
- Hey, hey, Sam.
Sss, sss! Lookin' good, man.
Concrete, concrete, baby.
Hank Moody, writer/rapist.
What's up? How you doin'? Good to meet you.
Uh, actually I think we know some of the same people.
In fact, I actually think we've been inside some of the same people, if you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, I think I do know what you're saying, and I think it's creepin' me out.
Yeah, well, uh, we got a meetin', so, see ya.
All right, cool.
I'll be at the bar.
No, no.
Hold on, whoa, hold on.
Nah, he's with me, yo.
He's gonna be writin' my shit.
Oh, come on.
No way, man.
I mean, no disrespect.
Sam, I just did a serious rewrite on the script, I mean-- Yeah, but the shit ain't crackin', man.
I need my shit to crackle, man.
What's the catchphrase? Catchphrase? Uh Killin' bad guys is my business, and business is fuckin' crackin'.
- Killin' bad guys - Bad guys is mybusiness - Both: And business is - Fuckin' crackin'.
- Business is-- - Nah.
I don't know about that, man.
- You know what? - Crackin'.
I'm gonna go drop some heat.
Y'all chop it up, a'ight? What the fuck are you doin'? What is this? What are you talkin' about? Why are you suddenly in my shit? I don't want to be.
I'm tryin' to pass.
This guy won't take no for an answer.
You are a middle-aged white guy.
What the fuck do you know about black culture? Absolutely nothin', but you're makin' Santa Monica Cop? What the fuck does that have to do with black culture? The character was originally from Compton, get it? - [Laughing.]
Whatever, dude.
- You ever been to Compton? Go make your movie.
I'm no threat to you.
Oh really? You're no threat to me? - You sure about that? - Yeah.
- Sure? - Go.
What about Michelle? Michelle? Girl you fucked while I was still goin' out with her.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, uh-huh.
I--I'm sorry, I had-- I had no idea.
Yeah, well, she found out I was fuckin' around on her a little bit.
- We had a little fight.
- Mm-hmm.
She went to a bar in Venice.
She met you, she fucked you, she told me about it in a fucking email.
A very descriptive fucking email, which actually I still have.
Would you like me to read it to you? No! I think that's a terrible idea.
- You sure? - Well, you know, actually, it might be kind of an interesting time capsule for me.
You know, like a stroll down memory--no, actually, no.
Don't, I'm good.
All right? - And--and again, I'm sorry.
- I loved her.
I actually think she was the one.
Then why were you cheatin' on her? It was gonna be the last time, that's why.
It was my kinda final dalliance.
I was ready to hang it up.
I mean, that's how much this girl meant to me.
She actually made me reconsider all the fucked up shit I'd done behind her back.
I'm sorry for your loss, Peter.
Shit happens.
Yeah, well, shit happens.
Shit does, in fact, happen.
Well, hey, maybe that's your catchphrase.
But it's a-- it's a black movie, so maybe it's "Shit be happenin'.
" - Okay, let's go.
- Where? Outside.
You and I are gonna settle this like men.
- Let's go.
- Why? For years, I've been tormented by the image of my girl, the one that got away, getting banged out by some smug fuckin' writer.
Time to make this right.
Let's go.
Let's go! Really? You made a movie about a battleship? - Come on.
- Man, just, - thanks for Aspen Extreme.
- Put your shit out there.
What the fuck y'all crackers up to out here, man? - What up, Pete? - Nah, he fucked one of my ex-girls, when I was still with her.
- Oh, come on.
- Moody, you a fuckin' dog.
- Rapin' and pillagin'? - I didn't know.
Aw, man, I'll kill that motherfucker that touch my girl.
- Get him, Berg! - Whose side are you-- - Uh! - [Laughing.]
Oh! [Doorbell rings.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Ava's mom.
- [British accent.]
Oh, no, I'm-- I'm Charlie Runkle.
Stuart's dad, we spoke on the phone.
No, I'm just the nanny, but come in.
Oh! Oh, oh.
This must be Ava.
Hello, Ava.
[Screams.]
Ava, darling, calm down.
Why don't we go to your room? Hello, Mr.
Runkle.
Hello, Mrs.
, uh-- - Call me Alison.
- And you call me Charlie.
[Door slams.]
Uh, okay.
I just wanted to stop by, in person, and apologize for my son's behavior.
Your son's disgusting behavior.
Ava's cried herself to sleep every night since the incident.
How can we make this better? You're an agent, aren't you? That I am.
U.
T.
K.
You must know my husband, Bruce.
Business affairs at Warners.
Oh.
Uh, of course.
Tough negotiator.
But fair.
Always fair.
Bullshit! He's an abusive sociopath and a casual alcoholic.
- I'm not the biggest fan.
- Neither am I.
Actually, uh, he's kind of a bully, in fact.
Yes, yes, he is, and I have the scars to prove it.
Okay.
Um, a peace offering.
What do you say you and I discuss this further over a glass of Sauvignon blanc? I shouldn't.
But I will.
- Karma's a bitch, ain't it? - It's not karma.
It's just shitty fuckin' luck.
That motherfucker's a good director, too, man.
Hope you didn't fuck my shit up.
I don't care about your shit right now.
- I care about my fuckin' eye.
- [Laughs.]
[Coughing.]
[Slow hip-hop music.]
Why would you strand me here strand me here when you really want to burn that bridge why did we climb so high? - [Sobs.]
- Cryin' motherfucker.
No, I ain't cryin'.
Shut the fuck up! My man, this nigga cryin', man.
Check this shit-- [Yelling and fighting.]
[Gunshot.]
- Whoa! - Oh! When you really want to burn that bridge Off me, nigga! What would you say? Oh! This motherfucker shot me, man! - Hey, look who's cryin' now.
- [Sobs.]
Chase, take that motherfucker to the hospital, man.
[Crying.]
No, man! [Sobs.]
Oh, shit.
I ain't got no fuckin' medical! When you really want to burn that bridge? What does your wife do? She has sex with a very rich movie producer named Stu Beggs.
- Mmm, of course.
Marcy.
- Mm-hmm.
I see her all the time at the bar method.
[Chuckles.]
I had sex with Stu Beggs once.
Yeah, I was his development girl for a short time in the mid-90s.
- Huge penis.
- Yes, I'm well aware.
- Like a bratwurst.
- Okay.
Enough.
He asked me to pee on him.
Really? Did you? Yes.
I had to go.
Seemed silly to just say no.
[Laughing.]
Makes sense.
I don't want to take Ava out of broken arrow.
It's a great school, and it funnels into all the best elementary schools.
That is what they say.
[Clears throat.]
So How do we fix this? What makes boys want to take their dicks out and show them to girls? Uh, I don't know.
Pride of ownership, maybe? Are you gonna take yours out? I'm sorry? Don't you want to show me yours? My penis? Your dick.
Your sausage.
Your cock, whatever you want to call it.
Are you gonna take it out and masturbate for me? Just like your son did in front of my daughter.
[Laughs.]
Why would I do that? Why not? That's right.
Touch yourself.
Oh.
You filthy pig.
You pervert.
Why do you want to show me your dick? That pathetic little excuse for a penis.
It looks like your son's.
Do you fuck grown women with that thing? - [Breathes hard.]
- Are they ever satisfied? How could they be? What's it like To have the desire, but not the right tool for the job? [Breathes hard.]
- [Gasps.]
- Jesus Christ, Lizzie! How about some fucking privacy? - [Gasps.]
- I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! - Oh, my God.
- [Panting.]
Oh.
Clean up in here, you pig.
[Pants.]
[Laughs.]
[Sobs.]
Hey, are--are you okay? I just got fired.
Oh, no.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Don't be.
She was a nightmare to work for.
- Yeah, I got the feeling.
- [Sniffs.]
She hits on everyone, you know.
Messengers, mailmen, gardeners.
I walked in on her and the DirecTV guy once.
She had her finger up his ass.
[Mimicking her accent.]
Up his ass? Yeah, she's really fucked up.
I should say so.
[Closes car door.]
Hey, are you lookin' for a new gig? Yeah, absolutely.
I really need the money - For cooking school.
- Awesome.
People love food.
Yeah.
Well, as luck would have it, my ex-wife is lookin' for a new nanny for our son.
And your son is the one who exposed himself to Ava.
Yes.
Yes, but he's really very sweet.
My guess is, he meant it as a compliment.
What do you think? Any interest? [Sighs.]
Thank you.
[Hip-hop music.]
So look, man, you had a chance to spend the whole day with me.
Know what I mean? See behind the curtain.
So what's this gonna be? No disrespect, but I think I'm gonna have to pass.
I gotta-- Will you excuse me for a second? Hey, Tyler.
Hank.
[Laughs.]
What's up, man? Fancy seeing you again.
This--this is-- this is not what it looks like.
This is my sister.
How's Becca? She's at home with her mom.
She didn't want to come out tonight.
You know, I really dig that about her.
- She know where you are? - Yeah, of course.
I was just texting with her.
Does she know about your sister? Okay, I-- I really like Becca, okay, I do, but life is short, man, you know, and just sometimes, sometimes shit happens.
Is she aware of how loose this arrangement is? I don't know, Hank.
We're just sorta takin' it day by day.
Shit.
You got that look in your eye, like you want to hit me.
Feel free If you want your daughter to hate you for life.
Gotcha! [Laughs.]
Look, is there anything else you want to discuss? No? Okay, cool.
Have a good night.
[Laughs.]
Hey, sis.
[Chuckles.]
What the fuck was that all about? Some guy my daughter's seeing doesn't seem entirely faithful.
I think he's gonna break her heart.
Maybe we should break his legs first.
That was my first impulse, but if I do that, then she's gonna hate me forever.
I have a history of doing the well-intentioned wrong thing when it comes to her.
So Moody's a good father, huh? I like that in a brother.
Me too.
You know what? I'm gonna-- I'm gonna take off.
Peace.
Peace out, nigga.
Good luck on your project.
Just so you know, you're well-represented in this battle of the exes.
I got your back, rapist.
Mucho appreciato, Batesy.
- Ladies.
- Oh, my God.
You've been in town for two days, and you have a black eye already.
Apparently, I had it comin'.
Really? Shocker.
Becca, can I speak with you a moment? No.
[Whispering.]
Go and speak with him.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry, you know? It's not right of me to swoop in here and give you a hard time about your life.
But you have to know it comes from a good place.
You know, a place of wanting to protect you from all the bad shit that's out there.
I know what guys are like.
[Laughs.]
I've been that guy.
I am that guy, sometimes.
It's just so hard to tell the difference between those that have a good heart and the ones that are just out there to win.
He's a good guy, dad.
I know it.
I know it like I know you're a good guy, deep down.
[Cell phone tune.]
Speak of the handsome devil.
[Laughs.]
Hold on a sec, dad.
Hello.
You did good.
It'll be okay.
You sure about that? Can someone take me to the hospital? Why? What's happened? Tyler was leaving some club in Hollywood, and he got jumped by a bunch of gangbangers.
They beat him up pretty bad.
He's at Cedars.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
Of course, come on.
Let's go.
- Um, have you got the keys? - Yeah, yeah.
Sounds like the little turd-fondler finally pissed off the wrong guy.
Old man, take a look at my life I'm a lot like you [Cell phone tone.]
I need someone to love me the whole day through and one look in my eyes and you can tell that's true old man, look at my life I'm a lot like you were