Comic Book Men s05e02 Episode Script

If you guys could have any sentient car Has to be able to communicate with you.
Maybe even your wife is jealous of the relationship Which car would you guys choose? I would take Goliath from "Knight Rider.
" - That's - I thought it was called KITT! Yeah, it was an evil, sentient, tractor trailer.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
Why can't you just pick KITT? I don't want to pick KITT! I want Goliath.
I don't think your wife's gonna care at all about you you hanging out with Goliath.
She's gonna encourage it.
[laughter.]
- Who would you pick, Walt? - Herbie the Love Bug.
Hold on.
Did Herbie even talk? Only whoever's in the driver's seat can hear Herbie's thoughts.
It's a much deeper intellectual relationship.
Oh, yeah, but [all burst out laughing.]
I mean.
- [laughter.]
- What? What, man? Not you're not impressed? This is from a guy who never maintained his car, blew his engine because he ran out of oil.
He would at least think to me, "Hey, A-hole, change the oil!" "I'm on fire!" [laughter.]
"Someone help me!" [laughter.]
[heroic music.]
[laughs.]
Hello and welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men," the only show brave enough to look up the little green skirt of Doctor Doom.
- I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
- All right, so I haven't been here.
I haven't seen anything in a while.
Illuminate me.
[laughter.]
One of the hottest books in the world In the world right now came through the doors the other day.
[funk rock.]
- Hey, how are ya? - Hey, guys.
I got something I think you might be interested in.
- Oh! - Oh, man.
First appearance of Deadpool.
I've been to several cons over the past year, and you cannot help but run into Deadpool.
I mean, he's everywhere.
Soon to be a major motion picture, I think? Yes.
Would I like Deadpool, do you think? - Like, if I read it.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah? - I think so.
Deadpool just got this sense of humor about him.
Very dark sense of humor.
Out of all the superheroes, like, personality-wise, you're the one that would be closest to Deadpool.
- You know? - Yeah, that's pretty good.
A wiseacre, always got a comment on something.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You're the Deadpool of the Stash.
- [laughter.]
Is he a good guy or a bad guy? Well, he started out as a villain, and it just seemed like he was just this generic assassin.
Then Joe Kelly put his stamp on the character, turning Deadpool into the Bugs Bunny of the Marvel universe, and it worked I mean, Marvel sold tons and tons of copies.
Deadpool, probably the biggest character in comics that's about to break, mainstream.
This movie is going to be massive, so that book, only going up, man.
Been hot for a long time, and like you said, it's about to go nuclear.
My mom is about to know who Deadpool is.
So now, my mom's, "Deadpool? That was a Dirty Harry movie.
" [laughter.]
- Where'd you get it? - I bought that right off the rack in '91.
Did you have any inkling - that it would be as huge as it is? - No.
It wasn't immediate that he took off, his popularity.
There was a time when you could have got this book, you know, in the dollar bins? I mean, I don't know if you know, but along with "Amazing Spider-Man" 300, "New Mutants" 98 from that era, '88 to '91 Those two books, man, are just[pops.]
.
It seems to me like he does know, which is why he's here.
[laughter.]
All right, well, what are you looking to get? I was hoping for 300.
I know it's a hot book.
You can feel the heat coming off of that book.
- I know, it's like - You can get some marshmallows and some sticks and roast 'em right over the book.
I can get a sunburn just looking at it.
Uh This is I'm at a disadvantage here.
He, he knows it's hot.
Think he'd take 150 for it? Um [laughter.]
He's not using the money to buy a hearing aid.
[laughter.]
What do you think? Would you take 150 for it? No, no.
Any chance you'd do 200? Um I think I can do 200.
- Hmm, you got a deal.
- All right! - There you go.
- Thanks, guys, take care.
The educated consumer is the retailer's worst enemy, huh? [laughter.]
[hard rock music.]
Hey, you know what next week is, right? - No.
- It's Mike's 15th anniversary, - here at the Stash.
- Really? - How would you know that date? - I set an alarm on my phone.
It's a big date.
What are we gonna do for him? He deserves something that he will look back upon and be like, "It was worth all the sweat and the tears.
" Puttin' up with Ming.
[Laughter.]
When you can stay at a job for 15 years, and love the job? Damn, man, there must be something special about the job or the person doing the job, and I think in this case, it's both.
I went from being a reservist at the Stash - Customer.
- A customer, getting a very nice discount.
You've been Stash staff for so long, I forgot you were actually a guy who came in to buy comics.
- Yes, sir.
- When I worked there.
I'm like, "Oh, this guy.
" [laughter.]
I mean, we gotta do something great for Mike.
We gotta go big or go home.
As they say.
They say that, right? Yeah, I'd rather just go home.
[laughter.]
I was thinking, rather than, you know, like a tangible object, like a gift, that we give him, like, an experience.
Here's something.
What about taking a ride on the Batcopter? - The Batcopter? - Yeah.
You mean, the '66 Batcopter? - From the Batman movie? - Oh! It's at the Meadowlands Fair.
So we have to go to the Fair to do this? Well, I don't think they're gonna land it here.
[laughter.]
Mike deserves better than a Fair.
Why don't we see if we can get, maybe, uh, a private flight? You know, I'm talking about doing it up right, you know, doing it up real special.
So he feels like he's Batman? Exactly.
So you a big Green Lantern fan? Power of will.
Would you be considered weak-willed if you caved in to the ring? This ring? [laughter.]
With this guy? [laughter.]
Hey, how you doing? How you doing? I'm Louis.
I called about the volume Green Lantern 59.
Right, we got it right here.
Put it aside for you.
Here it is.
Oh, my God, is that the first Guy Gardner? Very first appearance of Guy Gardner.
Oh.
So, you a big Green Lantern fan? Yes.
Yes sir, I am.
Who's your favorite Green Lantern? 'Cause there's plenty of them now.
- Oh, yeah.
- I relate to Guy.
Really? Because, I mean, he's kind of universally regarded as the biggest a-hole in comics.
[laughs.]
It's one of the ways I relate to Guy Gardner.
A lot of my friends think I'm an arrogant S.
O.
B.
, so I guess we pretty much match.
It's rare that you meet, like, the kid who wants to identify with, arguably, like, the biggest dick in comics.
[laughter.]
You know? Oh, the man you love to hate.
Like, he's the Justin Bieber of the DC universe.
Like that's the thing: most superheroes are kinda like, "Hey, what can I do for you?" Guy Gardner's the kinda guy that's like, "What'd you get in trouble in the first place for?" He starts laying into ya.
- It's like getting saved by your dad.
- [laughter.]
Got the green ring.
- Oh, wow.
- This is a replica.
Oh, okay.
I I didn't think it was a real power ring.
[laughter.]
- The real one's at home charging.
- [laughter.]
Let's say a Guardian crash landed, and he had to bring one of us to his spaceship to bestow upon a power ring.
Who's getting the call? Out of us four? Well, what's the criteria? Do you have to be a dick? [all laugh.]
Yeah, so I think you two are gonna be fighting it out.
- Yeah, you guys don't have a chance.
- [all laugh.]
When you think about it, there's actually a lot of jerks who are superheroes.
I can name a couple right off the top of my head.
I mean, you got Tony Stark, Iron Man.
Well, now, I never saw him as a grade-A jerk the way that Guy Gardner is a jerk.
When you put him next to Captain America? - He's a jerk! - Yeah.
- [laughter.]
- Anyone next to Captain America is gonna look like a jerk.
[laughter.]
Who do you think's the biggest jerk in comics, Mike? For me, Reed Richards has always been kind of a What? Mister Fantastic? Why? Why is he a jerk? He turns his best friend into a misshapen monster, and he ignores his stunningly beautiful wife.
- He can't see her! - [laughter.]
All right, so we're looking to get 180 for it.
What about 125? [exhales.]
Nah.
- Come on, don't make a geek angry.
- Nobody's afraid of an angry geek.
- That's what I was gonna say.
- No one.
Damn it.
Not even with a power ring, sorry.
Um, I couldn't go that low.
I could go 160? [sighs.]
Mm Power of will? 135? Would you be considered weak-willed if you caved into the ring? This ring? [laughter.]
With this guy? [laughter.]
All right, 135.
- Deal.
- All right.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Stay pure.
It's not often, right? Characters can pull off being total douchebags.
It's a different era most people don't like d-bags - in this in this day and age.
- Did they ever like 'em? Yeah, I think there was a time in the '80s - Like, Dice Clay? - That's true.
Maybe it's time to bring it back.
Maybe it's time for Green Lantern to be like, "Oh!" [laughter.]
[funky music.]
Hey, Mike! Can you come here a second? Yeah.
Take a seat.
We need to have a talk.
Ah, man.
Mike Did you really think that we would forget your 15-year anniversary? - Oh, man! - Huh? - Check it out.
- Oh, wow! Read that out loud.
I wrote it myself.
"Some words used to describe "your 15 years at the Stash would be: "invincible, "amazing, "incredible, uncanny.
"And after today, you can add the words 'Man without fear' to that list.
" - What does that mean? - It means we got you, not only a card, - but a present.
- No kiddin'? The thing is, it's not here.
We gotta take a short ride to it.
Okay.
I can't tell you how much we appreciate you here at the Stash.
This place couldn't run the way it does without you.
You are the most important cog in the machine, and today we want to show you just how important a cog you are.
Thank you.
Usually, that's insulting, but [laughter.]
Somehow - Somehow - You made it touching.
So let's get your stuff, - 'cause we gotta take a ride.
- Cool, all right.
Right? Let's go.
[hard rock music.]
Oh, wait, look! Look up in the sky! It's your 15th anniversary present! Oh, my God! Is that the Batcopter? You can go back to any time period, ever.
Where do you go to? Walt.
Ah, I'm gonna go back to the '50s.
- Ooh.
- I want to see that "Happy Days" era come to life.
I knew "Happy Days" was going to play a part.
"I just want to meet the Fonz.
" [laughter.]
What about you, Big? I would also go back to the '50s, just to watch him be so disappointed - that it's not what he thinks it is.
- [all laugh.]
"Why isn't this like 'Happy Days'?" Exactly.
I would go back to 1989.
That's when we first started hanging out.
I always think of those as halcyon days.
Getting into comics again, for the first time.
Going to parties and getting thrown out, 'cause we were too old.
But I'd go back to 1989, hang out with us again.
Force my way into that party.
Yeah, I'm going to correct something.
What about you, Zap? I'd go back to the '60s.
One of the most turbulent times in history.
It's something I would've loved to have experienced.
- Like, Woodstock - The draft.
[laughter.]
"This is not what I wanted!" [laughter.]
[rock music.]
What do you guys think is the oddest concept for an animated cartoon? I'm gonna go with, ah, the Smurfs.
Really? That was the most outlandish? - What? - Well, it's pretty twisted when you've got, uh, a group of guys, one female, and this balding older dude in a dress chasing 'em around.
But didn't he he created Smurfette.
Yeah, he created her to infiltrate the Smurf colony, and then she became one of them.
So before Smurfette, it was all dudes? It was all dude action, yeah.
- [laughter.]
- Oh, wow! - What about you? - Ah, oh, man, there's so many of 'em, but I always thought one of the weirdest ones was the little dude from "Diff'rent Strokes" - Gary Coleman? - Gary Coleman, yeah.
There was a cartoon where he was an angel, and he would come down and do angel-y things for uh, for other kids.
It started out as a cartoon, and became reality.
[all laugh.]
Oh, that's horrible.
[laughter.]
[funky music.]
Let's go.
This is it! We're here.
Cool, an abandoned airport.
Nah, it's not an abandoned airport.
This is where your 15th anniversary present's gonna wind up.
You ever dig your own grave, Mike? [all laugh.]
We kept the suspense high.
You know, we didn't tell Mike where we were going.
Just told him we had a gift, and we needed him to come with us.
Were you scared? 'Cause that sounds like something out of "Goodfellas.
" Yeah, Bryan was sharpening an ice pick in the back seat - while we were driving.
- Bam.
[laughs.]
Put a flour sack over his head.
[all laugh.]
"It's too soon!" "All right, let's hire a 20-year-old.
" [all laugh.]
- [helicopter blades whirring.]
- Do you hear that? [helicopter blades whirring.]
No, wait, look.
Look up in the sky! It's your 15th anniversary present! [rock music.]
All right.
Oh, my God, is that the Batcopter? Today, you are gonna be Batman.
We got you a ride in the Batcopter.
Oh, my God! The actual Batcopter? Yes, the actual Batcopter.
The one that was in the Batman movie? Like, Batman '66 movie, not the recent Batman movie.
Yes, the the one used in the '66 Batman movie, not a replica.
It was the actual Batcopter used in the movie.
I was in a helicopter once, and terrifying.
Um, and it was a bubble, like Kinda like the Batcopter.
I remember being a kid, being like, "I wish I could take a ride in the Batcopter.
" One day I got to be in a helicopter.
There's just that bubble thing where you look out, under your feet, you're just seeing the ground? I was terrified I was like, "Please land it again.
"I can't do this, man.
I'm the 'Too Fat To Fly' guy.
"Take me down! Take me down! I'll bring you all down, unless you take us down now.
" [all laugh.]
Were you scared? Absolutely not.
I mean, this is my childhood coming at me, and you know what? I'm ready to put on the little yellow cape, and jump right into Robin's seat.
[hard rock music.]
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! [laughs.]
[helicopter blades whirring.]
- Hey, guys.
- How you doing? Fantastic.
Captain Nock.
Thank you, Captain Nock.
- How are you today? - Thank you.
- How you doing? - How are you today? - Pleasure to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Pedestrian Bry.
- Yes, very nice to meet ya.
Well, gentlemen, I heard that we had a special event? - A very special event.
- Yes, tell me about it.
Oh, fantastic.
Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.
- Behind a counter, ringing up comic books, just so you know.
- No, no, no, I get - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you say "service," it's kind of misleading.
[all laugh.]
That's the original Batcopter, one and only.
- Adam West and Burt Ward sat in there.
- Oh, absolutely.
They both sat in it, of course, for many scenes, as you know, and then years later, Lee Meriwether sat in it many times, Julie Newmar, Yvonne Craig.
- And now Mike Zapcic.
- And now you, yeah.
[laughter.]
Yeah, yeah, so, you guys want to inspect the original Batcopter? - Hell yeah.
- All right, let's go.
Greetings, citizens.
Here we are, flying high above Gotham.
Well, gentlemen, I brought the original Batcopter for you to see.
[rock music.]
Got the instrument panel and all the signatures, autographs from the original cast that have, of course, sat in it and flown in it.
And as you can see, we have the shark repellent, which is a very important part of the original Batcopter, if you remember that scene.
What happened to the Bat Wings? Helicopters are very expensive to keep airworthy, and two things had to go, unfortunately.
One was the wings, and the other was the very large bat logo on the nose.
Mike, what do you think? You ready to go for a ride? Let's rock this thing.
Let's get going.
It was nice knowing you.
[all laugh.]
Before the Millennium Falcon, that is the vehicle that captured my imagination, and it was it was glorious.
And all it was was a helicopter with the Bat Symbol on it, but you were like, [gasps loudly.]
.
That Batcopter, man.
Like, they made a toy of it, when I was a kid, that I desperately wanted.
And it looked exactly like the real thing, but it was real big, 'cause it had to fit those MEGO dolls.
And my mom was like, "No way, man.
" [all laugh.]
"No way.
We ain't that family.
" So, I would imagine, seeing the Batcopter, being of my generation as well Oh, yes.
That must have just been, "[gasps.]
I'm a child again!" [all laugh.]
Clear! [dramatic music.]
This forever puts to rest any speculation about how big Mike's cojones are.
And there was plenty of speculation.
[all laugh.]
Whoa! Feel that power? We are ready.
We are ready.
All right, here they go! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Here they go! Whoa! ['60s action music.]
Wow, it's gorgeous up here.
Amazing.
Look at that.
Greetings, citizens.
Here we are, flying high above Gotham.
[helicopter blades whirring.]
I wonder if he can see me down here.
Do you think that's what he's concerned with? Yeah, he ain't looking at us.
If there's anything he can see, he's like, "Where's Walt?" [laughter.]
"Where's the where's my boss?" - [laughter.]
- "Is he proud?" [laughter.]
How does it feel to ride in the Batcopter? I feel like Batman right now.
That dude's speeding.
Can we force him off the road and give him a ticket? "You're you're a menace, sir.
" This is too cool.
And we're looking into people's backyards.
Hi.
Yes, Batman's watching you.
Okay, Batcopter is shooting an approach for landing.
They're coming in! Touchdown! Captain, thank you so much.
[cheering.]
- Aw, yeah! - Holy crap! - How was it? - It was amazing! Oh, my God! Thank you so much! - Happy 15th, Mike.
- Thanks.
- Happy 15th.
- Amazing, oh.
Nobody deserves a ride in the Batcopter more than you, dude.
You sat in the Robin seat.
You sit in the Robin seat next to Batman every day, man, but this time you got to soar above him, just for a little bit.
And then back down to number two position.
- [all laugh.]
- The only thing about it makes me remotely like, negative Like, him, not me? Like, you didn't think to get me a ride in the Batcopter? We didn't think you'd go up in the Batcopter.
- You're damn right I wouldn't.
- [all laugh.]
That's all the time we have.
Always make sure you got your Bat Shark Repellent.
For "Comic Book Men," I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
In honor of his 15 year anniversary: Biff, bam, pow, zap, zic.
Good night, kids.
[funky music.]