Dad's Army (1968) s05e02 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Is it not a fact, Mr Speaker, that many of our younger, fitter men joined the ARP at the outset of the war? Is it not further a fact that when the Home Guard was formed, only the older and less fit men were left? Would it not be desirable for the younger, fitter men to be drafted into the Home Guard, and some of the old warhorses at present in the Home Guard, drafted into the ARP and given the task of telling us to close our curtains? Is the honourable member for Fife Centre aware that in my constituency hundreds of people can't afford curtains? The honourable member has made a most valuable suggestion.
I shall consult with my colleague, the Home Secretary, to see if some exchange of personnel can be encouraged at a purely local level.
But let us not forget that the experience and fighting spirit of these older soldiers has been invaluable.
The Home Guard is at the ready, ceaselessly on the alert.
And make no mistake about it, if the enemy should set foot upon our shores, these men would be most formidable opponents.
Come on, men.
Go to it with a will! I'm not enjoying this very much.
Yon Mainwaring, he's taken leave of his senses! I'm sure this isn't very good for the heart.
What are you grumbling about? After the war, if anyone wants a telegraph pole delivered in a hurry, we've got a nice little business.
Well done.
Don't give up.
You really are doing most awfully well.
Right, gather round.
Now this sort of thing is being done by our toughest troops.
And if they can do it, so can we.
Mr Mainwaring, can I have something to pad my shoulder with, please? -No, you can't.
-It's getting red raw.
I'll have no mollycoddling in my platoon.
The trouble is, Mr Mainwaring, that Jones here spends half his time carrying the pole and the other half dangling.
I was not dangling.
Pikey was the one that was dangling.
I was not dangling.
It was you what was dangling.
I wasn't dangling.
All right, that's enough.
Now, on the command go, I want to see all three sections charge across the field, under the tarpaulin, and then use their poles to get across the stream.
I'll stand a pint of beer for every man in the first section across.
Right, my section's gonna win this.
I could do with a pint of beer.
-Well, don't dangle, then.
-I was not dangling.
MAINWARING: Go! -Try not to look quite so bored, Wilson.
-I can't help but look it, sir.
Crawling under a tarpaulin is rather boring.
Come on now, like lightning.
Come on.
FRAZER: It's you that's going round and round, you silly old fool.
PIKE: Jones! Mr Jones! Mr Jones? Jones? Jones! What is it? We've forgotten the pole! -Get it in.
-WALKER: Right, push! Hurry up, Jones section.
Try to catch up.
JONES: Right, okay, lads.
This should be easy for you, Taffy, like tossing the caber.
-If you don't belt up, I'll toss you.
-Naughty.
Naughty temper.
FRAZER: Hold the pole steady.
We'll shin across.
JONES: We're not shinning, we're walking.
What do you think this is, a circus? I'm shinning! All right, now if we hold hands, and don't look at your feet.
See, you don't look at your feet.
Whatever you do.
Walk now.
What did I say? Don't look at your feet, look up, now.
Look up.
You'll be all right if you look up.
Don't.
Don't look at your feet.
Don't look down! Don't look.
I told you not to look at my feet! What have you stopped for? I didn't say halt.
-Oh.
-Carry on.
MAINWARING: Double mark time! Platoonhalt! Fall out.
-Come in the office, Wilson.
-All right.
He said fall out, not fall down.
I swallowed so much water my legs won't carry the extra weight.
Oh! Goodness me.
That was very tiring, sir.
You're just out of condition.
That's all.
-Are you all right, sir? -Yes, of course.
Pumping the blood so fast makes one a bit dizzy.
All the same, I don't think you should have got them to double the last 200 yards, you know.
I didn't want those chaps who fell in the water to catch cold.
Right, sir.
(STUTTERING) Mr Godfrey can I come to your house and get dry, please? If my mum sees me like this, she won't let me come again.
Afraid we don't have fires on Wednesdays.
Sissy stays in bed all day with a hot water bottle.
We can't get the coal, you know.
Don't worry, you can come around to my place.
-I can let you have a spare uniform.
-Thank you, Joe.
It won't cost you much.
There.
Dear, oh, dear.
That's better.
You're not going to leave those there, are you? No, no.
Of course not, sir.
Of course I'm not.
They really did awfully well, didn't they? I thought it was a shambles.
Jones' section was a joke.
But you must say they were trying awfully hard, sir.
That won't be enough when they come up against Hitler's Prussian butchers.
I think we're gonna have to split this platoon into two halves.
One half for the fit and strong, one for those not up to battle standards.
-I tried that once, sir.
It looked rather untidy.
-How do you mean, untidy? There were two in one half and 21 in the other.
I don't mind telling you, Wilson, that I sometimes wish I had younger men under my command.
Yes, others seem to be thinking on the same lines, sir.
-How do you mean? -This note has trickled down from the War Office, and it suggests that commanding officers look at their men's age and fitness, and get together with the ARP with a view to exchanging personnel.
This is an outrageous suggestion.
-I shall fight that, tooth and nail.
-I quite agree.
Fancy my having to tell Godfrey and Frazer and Jones, ''I have no further use for you.
You are now members of the ARP.
'' I don't think you'll have to do that.
There's going to be a parade and the Area Commander is going to choose which of us ought to go to the ARP and which wardens ought to join us.
What? I'm not having any of Hodges' rabble in my unit.
I quite agree, sir.
I'd leave well alone.
But, if this sort of thing goes on like this, I mean, there's no end to it.
Of course not.
I mean, you say you don't want Hodges' rabble in your unit, but you might find yourself in the ARP and this might finish as his unit.
-See what I mean? -What on earth are you talking about? They'd never give my platoon to a man like Hodges.
He's a greengrocer.
What does he know about the army? -He was in the last lot, you know.
-No, doesn't make any difference at all.
-Very different kind of war, this.
-But he did come face-to-face with the enemy.
He looks pretty fit to me and he's a lot younger than, well, one or two of us.
-Meaning me? -Well, you're not absolutely decrepit.
On the other hand, you're not exactly Aubrey Smith.
Thank you very much.
Then again, you're not exactly Freddie Bartholomew.
It's your duty to be beautIful So keep young and beautIful If you want to be loved Anybody there? Anybody about? Anybody there? (STAMMERING) Yeah.
Wait a minute! -Is everything all right, sir? -Yes, perfectly all right, thank you.
-Sorry to have kept you, Wilson.
-That's all right, sir.
I thought it was stuck.
I thought I'd go round the other way.
No, no, I.
I was just looking at some secret file.
I'm glad you could get here early.
Do sit down.
I've been thinking about that conversation we had yesterday about.
Well, sit down.
And I think as much.
-I said, sit down.
-I'd rather stand, if you don't mind, sir? -What's the matter? -Nothing at all, sir.
I just feel a bit stiff.
That's all.
I see.
Yesterday's exercise leaving its mark, is it? Well, I must confess that I felt one or two twinges, too.
Gets me in the back here, just about here.
Please, please don't do that, sir.
I'm rather ticklish.
Wilson, you're wearing corsets.
Am I right? It's a gentlemen's abdominal support.
Gentlemen's abdominal support, my foot.
It's corsets.
You're a rum-cove.
You wear that uniform like a sack of porridge.
And, in some ways, you're as vain as a peacock.
It's nothing to do with vanity, sir.
I just don't want to be drafted into Hodges' mob.
I'm really rather proud of this platoon.
I think you've done wonders in getting us all together the way you have.
I really mean that.
So I just think it pays, at the moment, not to look any older than one needs.
-I'm sorry, Wilson.
-That's all right.
It's very kind of you to pay that tribute to me.
Very kind.
I realise it doesn't come easy to a cold fish like you.
Here am I pouring scorn on you.
I had no right to, really.
No right at all.
I have to tell you, Wilson, that I, too, have taken some steps to look morevirile.
Oh.
Oh, my God, it's not monkey glands, is it? Nothing as drastic as that.
What do you think of this? Well, it's awful.
No, no, no, no.
It's awfully good, awfully good.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Watch it, Wilson, you might snap your girdle.
Wear a marcel wave In your haIr Take care of all those charms #And you'll always be In someone's arms # The result was I was beneath him, if you follow me.
Just like this.
Now, as true as I'm standing here, peeking out from under the brim of his hat was a wee kiss-curl.
Oh, dear.
That doesn't sound like Captain Mainwaring at all.
Precisely.
It's my opinion the man's gone soft in the head.
I think one of us ought to go into the office and have a butchers.
I'm not going.
I've seen it, I tell you.
You go, Pikey.
You're the youngest.
That's not fair.
No, we ought to dip for it.
-All right, let's dip for it.
Go on.
-All right.
Eenie meenie minie mo, catch a nigger by the toe, if he squeals, let him go.
Eenie meenie minie mo.
It's you, go on.
Just a minute, you haven't finished yet.
O-U-T spells out.
You must go.
It's you.
Now, Pike, you've got to find some way of getting to talk to him and then get yourself down below him in some way so that you can look under the peak of his cap, you understand? -You're not listening to me, boy.
-He cheated.
Never mind that.
Listen, when you go into the office, you're gonna have to make some sort of excuse.
Yeah, I know.
Say that you think we ought to go down to the local regimental barracks and get a bit more practice on the miniature firing range.
Hey, how did you do that? Well, at least we can keep the men as fit as possible.
I suggest we have one extra period of physical training.
-I imagine you'll be taking that, sir.
-No, you will.
I also think, sir, that as well as, and in addition to, also, we should do one hour of bayonet fighting practice, sir.
We don't do it as often as we used to, of yore.
And there's no doubt about it, sir, the cold steel puts fear into the heart of the Bosche.
They don't like it, sir.
They don't like it, especially up 'em, sir.
They don't like it.
I remember a good example of this when I was outside Ypres, I was in a trench -Yes.
-and this big barbarian comes out -and I ''roop'' and.
-That's all.
Yeah, right, I'll make a note of it.
Rejoin your section.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.
-Thank you very much, sir.
-All right, Jones.
Off you go.
-Thank you, sir.
-Well, off you go now, Jones.
-Thank you, sir.
-All right, get out.
-Excuse me, sir.
-Yes, Pike, what is it? -Barracks.
-I beg your pardon? We haven't done it for a long time.
What on earth are you talking about, boy? We.
We ought to go and shoot at the targets with miniature rifles.
Are you all right? Yes.
You wearing corsets? Am I what? I asked you a straightforward question.
Are you wearing corsets? I didn't know we were supposed to.
-Start again, Pike.
-Sir, you mind if I rejoin the platoon? There's one or two things I want to say to the men.
-No.
Go ahead.
-Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Now, Pike.
Well, erm the men asked me to ask you if we could do more of it.
I'm sure they didn't ask you to pray for it.
Stand up! Yes.
Yeah, anyway, erm, we thought if we went down to the local one and borrowed theirs, we'd be better at it.
Because we'd have had more practice with it than they would.
Oh, dear.
How careless of me.
I've dropped your papers on the floor.
Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring, I shall pick them up for you.
Pike, do you mind telling me exactly what you're up to? See, the point is this, he's doing it because he doesn't want us to be split up and drafted into the ARP.
Let's face it, we really wouldn't want to lose him.
No.
At the same time, he is very sensitive about it so please try and not to stare.
Just treat it as something quite ordinary and everyday and nobody will get bothered.
But do please promise me one thing, chaps, don't laugh.
All right, fall into three ranks.
All right, you heard what the officer said.
Come on, in three ranks.
Come on now, get filled in three.
All right, sir.
We are filled in in three ranks, sir.
Thank you, Corporal.
Platoon, attention.
Now, it has come to my notice that certain aspects of my appearance are causing a certain amount of speculation and some hilarity.
Now, I'm not a man about to beat about the bush.
So here it is, straight from the shoulder.
I am wearing a toupee.
A wig, if that makes it any clearer.
So if any one of you want a good laugh at my expense, now's your chance.
'Cause I'm going to show it to you.
Personally, I think it makes him look older.
I'd know you anywhere I'd know that grIn Well, the thing is, Mr Hodges, you might find yourself doing left turns, right turns under Captain Mainwaring.
And, I mean, you don't get on, do you? Don't get on? Blimey, I'd rather serve under Captain Bligh.
Yeah.
Only half a pound of them onions, Mabel.
They're like gold.
Shove them under the counter.
The thing is, if your hair was a bit greyer, you might not look so young and fit.
What do you mean, young and fit? With my heart and my nerves, I'm a physical wreck.
I mean, it's silly, isn't it, to take chances? I've got something here that will make your hair white instantly.
Mind you, it's a bit expensive and I can only let you have an ounce.
But to you, it's a quid.
Now, are you on or not? Well, yeah.
I mean, I don't want to take any chances, do I? Good man.
I'll bring it around right away.
# I-I-I-I like you very much I-I-I-I think you're grand (WIND HOWLING) What's amiss? Can we come in and talk to you for a minute? I'm sorry about the candles.
The blinds are a bit thin for the glare of the gaslight.
I like candles.
They're more romantic.
What would you be wanting? Well, it's like this.
Mr Godfrey and I, we've been looking in the mirror.
And we decided that if the General picks on anyone to go on the ARP, it will be us three because we're three of the oldest.
Man, you're right.
I havnae slept a wink for brooding on it.
Aye.
You know that old Mr Armstrong? Him that passed away last month? -Aye.
-Yes.
Well, you managed to make him look not a day over 60, and he was nearly 97.
Aye, man, they do say I have a rare skill at beautifying the late lamented.
Well? Well, could you make Mr Godfrey and I.
You know, could you do the same for us? Aye, man, that's a challenge and no mistake.
We'd be very grateful.
Yes, and you won't be out of pocket.
Uh-huh.
Away into the next room and lie on the slab.
Pay attention, everybody, please.
Would you please fall in? Quick as you can.
There's good chaps.
Where's Mr Jones, Mr Frazer and Mr Godfrey? I think they're leaving it till the last minute.
When Captain Mainwaring sees them, he's gonna have kittens.
Right there.
All right, come on.
Hurry up.
Come on, chaps, hurry up.
Come on.
Come on, Godfrey.
Oh, there you are.
-Over there.
-Oh, right.
All right, Jones, fall in.
Quick as you can.
Come on.
-Come on, Jonesy.
Come on.
-In you get.
I'm sorry, Sergeant.
Only without my specs, I'm a bit hard of seeing.
That's quite all right.
Right, squad.
Wait for it, Jones.
I'm sorry, Sergeant.
I'm a bit too alert this morning.
Yes, of course you are.
Right, squad, attention.
Is that better? No, it wasn't really much better.
But never mind.
Platoon ready for your inspection, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant.
Now, I think you all know me well enough to know that this inspection by the Area Commander is very much against my wishes.
However, orders are orders.
But if any of you are urged to join the ARP against your wishes, I shall complain to the very highest authority possible.
ALL: Thank you very much, sir.
-I think you'll be all right, Pike.
-Thank you.
And you, Walker.
And.
Who is this? I think that's Jones, sir.
Jones? What on earth have you been doing to yourself? I didn't want to leave you, Captain Mainwaring, nor these brave troops that you captain and I lance corporal.
Private Frazer's fixed me up.
What's the meaning of this, Frazer? (MUTTERING) What did Horace say, Winnie? He's not speaking very plainly this afternoon, sir, on the account that his cheeks is puffed up with cotton wool.
-Did you know about this? -Yes, I did, sir.
But I turned a blind eye to it.
Well, you've no business to.
I'm the only one with authority to turn blind eye.
God.
Godfrey? Whatever has happened to you? Well, it's Mr Frazer's fluid, sir.
It stretches the skin.
This is ridiculous.
He looks like Madame Butterfly.
Get it off at once.
I don't think I can, sir.
How long does it last, Frazer? (MUTTERING) What did he say? He says he's never dug anyone up to have a look.
There you are, Napoleon.
How dare you barge in here in the middle of parade? -What do you want? -Clear off, will you? I just wanted you to know, if you've got any ideas about getting me into your shower, forget it.
Look.
-Very distinguished.
-Not bad, eh? Wait till he tries to get it off.
I can't think why you went to all that trouble.
Why? Because I'd rather look 1 07 than serve under you.
That's why.
I see.
Pity it doesn't show under the hat.
Wellwhat if it doesn't? I'll stoop.
That's what I'll do, I'll stoop a bit.
Yes, stoop.
They're not getting me into your squad, Mainwaring.
The way I'm going on parade, they wouldn't even have me in the Chelsea Pensioners.
Now I don't approve of this ridiculous charade.
But it's too late to do anything about it.
So be it on your own heads.
That was rather witty, sir.
-Just get along, Sergeant.
-Aye, sir.
Attention.
Turn, left, turn.
By the right, quick march.
Left wheel.
That way, Corporal.
Didn't pick any of them.
Looks as if you got away with it.
I sincerely hope so, sir.
I really do apologise.
Congratulations, Mainwaring.
You certainly used your initiative in a crisis.
We do our best, sir.
I didn't see anything, of course.
Hope it comes off all right.
I expect it will.
We've just got it over in time.
Give the old boy three cheers and I'll buy you one in the Fox.
Yes, sir.
Blimey, here it comes.
Number one platoon, three cheers for the General.
-Hurray! -Hip, hip.
Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!