Drunk History (2013) s05e02 Episode Script

1 (Patriotic music) They fuckin' punch him, and stab him, and Rasputin's yelling, I can't fucking die! I got two fucking dicks! W.
C.
Minor volunteers to help write the Oxford English Dictionary.
This is what I was born to do! (Laughter) Space exploration has its roots in Jack Parsons' mumbling occult rituals while snorting blow off of his friend's boobs.
- Have you ever - been friends or known someone that you're like, Oh, this is, like, a real, like, fucking dangerous mind and I don't want to be around? Oh, yeah, I've dealt with a Rasputin before.
- You have dealt with a Rasputin? - Yeah.
I know girls like that where I'm like, I know how you get.
Like, I don't want to accidentally do crystal meth.
- Right.
- Like, I just don't want - to accidentally do that.
- Yeah.
To people that you you think that you should trust, but you really shouldn't.
To you and me.
Yes.
Hello! Hello, everybody of the Comedy Central world, my name's Chris Romano.
And today, we're going to be talking about the dangerous mind of Rasputin.
Nostrovia.
Nostrovia.
The story of Rasputin.
He leave his house at 23 and says, I got to wander the wilderness of Siberia in Russia.
And at the time, I believe, that was called a a strannik.
A strank? A strannik was just a is a is a religious wanderer.
So he became, like, a strannik, and became A strannik.
Right.
Exactly.
He became a strannik.
And so he When he is out one night and he hears girls, like, playing outside, like girls laughing, like, real horny.
(Laughs) (Falsetto) Oh, fuck.
(Normally) Eh, oh fuck.
So he sees three women skinny-dipping in the fucking pond and dives into the pond with them.
Eventually, one thing leads to another, and he fucks each one of them.
(Ostentatious Romantic music playing) Has a great time.
(Garbled) So Rasputin decides, he's like, look, I want to go to fucking St.
Petersburg, 'cause that's the capital of Russia.
There's a fucking ton of women there, and I'm going to fuck until I get enlightened, until my fucking head explodes.
He goes to St.
Petersburg, and he's immediately introduced to Tsar Nicholas.
Course, he got a beautiful, beautiful wife, Tsarina Alexandra, and their son, poor little Alexei.
This little poor little hemophiliac bastard who he can't even bump if he bumps into a couch, he's gushin' blood.
Right? That's embarrassing for the family.
It's kinda gross.
Hey! Rasputin! Alexei's bleeding? Is there anything you can do? Rasputin goes, Hey, relax, relax.
He sits with Alexei for a little bit.
Eventually, he stopped bleeding.
He seems to be getting better.
Then he's like, Holy shit, did you just cure fucking hemophilia? So, of course, the goddamn fucking the tsar and the tsarina are super fucking happy.
The czarina is like, Look, I gotta set you up with with a fucking house and shit to fucking do this out of.
Like, this is amazing.
And it will be away from the rest of the fucking St.
Petersburger aristocrat aristocross Aristocr Aristocrocity.
Aristo aristocrate? Aristo What's the fucking Aristocrat, aristocrat-acy? Aristo (Laughs) I need a fucking word.
Aristo the fucking rich fucking pieces of shit that don't want you to do this.
He he starts having these crazy fucking parties.
He really, truly believes like, when I pull my dick out of here, you're going to see something you've never seen before.
It's going to be enlighten.
Um, my dick's full of hope.
I call it the Obama Hope Syndrome.
(Laughs) Also, FYI, no husbands allowed.
This is a fucking BY-don't-B bring your fucking husbands.
(Laughter) Should we get in the hot tub? - Sure.
- Oh, fuck, this hot tub feels real good on my on everything.
(Laughs) So, by 1916, everyone's soon slowly finding out like, Oh, these fucking parties aren't just to go fucking drink and have fun.
They're going in to fuck Rasputin.
Finally, this guy, Felix, he's like, Here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to invite that fucking prick Rasputin to fuck my wife.
No way he's not going to fall for that.
This fucking horny bastard loves cake.
I'm going to fucking put some cyanide in his cake, and fucking let this fucking idiot eat eat his death.
I'll watch him fuck my wife and die at the same time.
It'll be great.
But also, the worst.
So they feed him some cake.
They watch him eat the cake.
They sit back and go, Oh, he's dead.
They look back at him, two minutes later, he's finished the whole fucking cake, not dead.
They go, What the fuck is going on? That was a fucking horse-load of fucking cyanide.
- How the fuck is this guy not dead? - Oh, wow.
Besides pussy, this guy loves wine.
We're going to dump some fuck cyanide in his wine.
And they go, Hey, cheers! Let's fucking drink to fucking fucking my wife.
Thanks so much for doing this.
They look back at him, he's drinking all the fucking wine.
He stands up, having a fucking jovial time, and everybody's like, What the fuck is going on here? Why the fuck isn't this piece of shit dying? And then they go, You know what we need to do? Felix pulls out a revolver and fucking raises it, and shoots him in the back.
(Dramatic music) Fuckin' Rasputin falls down, and they go, He's fucking dead.
Stay down here and party and fuck your own wife for once, you fucking asshole.
They all go back, celebrating, Felix turns back around, all of a sudden, he's fucking grabbed from behind, turns around and sees that it's fucking Rasputin with his arms around his neck, choking him to death, and immediately starts freaking out, going I didn't fucking kill him! I didn't fucking kill him! And Rasputin's yelling, I can't fucking die! I got two fucking dicks! I got two fucking dicks.
You can't kill a two-dicked man.
You can't kill him.
(Laughs) His cards come running to his aid, pull out their revolvers, and shoot Rasputin, each one time in the back.
That makes it four shots in the back.
He again rises and They're like, This motherfucker is crazy.
They fucking beat him to death.
They fucking punch him, and stab him, They get a carpet.
They roll him up in the carpet.
They take him to a bridge and dump him over the side into the fucking water.
And then, morning, when his body washes up along the shore, frozen to death, they fucking finally realize, Wow.
This is the first time I've ever thought that maybe, just maybe, that Rasputin is human.
He's not a god that we all thought he was.
He's a human being, just like every one of us.
On the count of three.
- Okay.
- Is there a way for your [bleep.]
to just make its way out of your pants and we stand up on the count of three and we see your cock? I'll do it for you.
Thank you.
- On the count of three.
- Ready? One - One.
Two.
- Two.
(Both) Three.
- Cheers, Doug.
- Cheers.
(Laughs) Hello.
I'm Doug Jones, and today we're going to talk about W.
C.
Minor, the most important man behind the most important book in the English language.
That that's not what you wanted.
No, but I love it.
Okay.
In 1863, W.
C.
Minor graduated from Yale Medical School as a surgeon and joined the US Army.
He had blood in his hands and he was trying to put people's brains back into their heads, and he was like, Oh, my god, this is [bleep.]
up.
This is messing up my head.
They diagnosed him with delusional paranoia.
I gotta get out of here.
I'm going to move to London.
February 17th, 1872, W.
C.
Minor wakes up in the middle of the night in a paranoid fit.
He grabbed his gun.
He thinks that a man has broken into his home and is trying to kill him.
He runs outside.
At that very moment, George Merrett was on his way to work at a brewery, like, do-do-do-do-do, I'm on my way to work I got six kids My wife, Eliza, is pregnant Ain't life glorious He turns around, he sees W.
C.
Minor run out of his house with a gun.
Minor shoots George Merrett, fatally wounding him dead in the neck.
W.
C.
Minor get entered into the Broadmoor Asylum for the Criminally Insane.
So because W.
C.
Minor was a prestigious doctor, he get special treatment in the asylum.
They give him two cells.
They reunite him with all of his possessions.
He has so many books that he takes his second cell and turns it into a library.
However, he's still racked with the tremendous guilt over this murder.
So W.
C.
Minor contacts the murder Um He wrote to his, uh, He want he wrote to his victim's widow, Eliza Merrett.
Eliza pays Minor a visit.
He said, Thank you for coming today, Mrs.
Merrett.
Um, should I say Miss Merrett, now that you're single? (Laughter) Too soon.
Too soon.
All of a sudden, she notices behind him the guy's got a lot of books.
So she says, like, I notice you have a lot of books.
What kind of books do you got? Nothing much.
Just a bunch of, like, interesting books by people like Jonathan Swift.
She's like, I love Jonathan Swift.
"Gulliver's Travels"? That's like, my favorite book.
He's like, Me too.
Like, OMG.
You you're just like me.
She starts coming to visit him at the asylum, like, once a month.
Every time, she brings a bundle of new books for him.
He's giving her some books from his library.
This is crazy.
This is the guy that murdered her husband, and they're, like, have a book club? What? In one of these bundles of books there's a notice from a man named James Murray.
Hear ye, hear ye.
All y'all bibliophiles out there, listen up.
I am writing the very first Oxford English Dictionary.
We're looking for volunteers to submit your words, along with quotations from the English literature.
W.
C.
Minor sees this notification, he's like, This is what I was born to do! W.
C.
Minor writes in to James Murray and says, Will you please see it in your heart to allow me to "contribut-ee" to your great Oxford English Dictionary? And they kinda look at this letter, and they're like, Yeah, dude.
Of course.
Here's the list of words.
Bonnet.
Boner.
Bona fide.
He takes this list of words and he's like, Okay.
I'm like a search engine I'm gonna, like, spend the next year of my life going through hundreds and hundreds of books, looking for uses of these words.
The years go by.
W.
C.
Minor is like, doing so much work, and getting so much joy out of it, It's giving him so much purpinizes purpose in his life.
So finally, after years of correspondence, they finally meet face-to face.
They sit down and they chat.
And these guys completely hit it off.
They share their love for the rich complexity of the English language.
They're like BFF overnight.
And James Murray gave him his six completed volumes of the Oxford (Laughs) English Dictionary, and said, Thank you for your hard work and dedication.
You dedicated all uh, so much of your life to the Oxford English Dictionary.
And he's like, You're welcome.
W.
C.
Minor contributed somewhere in the neighborhood of about 200,000 quotations for the Oxford English Dictionary.
The end.
Let's cheers to him.
W.
C.
! Stay tuned for more "Drunk History.
" Oh! (Drunken laughter) (Laughter) Here, can I tell you something that's really honest to god, you won't like this.
So these - Oh, God.
- Boots.
Have been in my garage.
The last time I went in my garage, do you know what I found? No.
Black widows.
Oh, fuck! (Laughs) I'm glad you find it funny that there could be a oh, what the [bleep.]
is that? There's something in that one.
(Laughs) You have to be so careful! Yeah, I have to be careful.
(Laughs) Let's do it, man.
Hello.
Hello.
My name (laughs) is Duncan Trussell.
And today, we will talk about Jack Parsons.
Uh, Jack Parsons was always interested in rockets and explosives.
1937, Jack Parsons (Sighs) Just say it.
- I got it, I got it.
- Just repeat it.
I [bleep.]
got it! Derek.
In 1937, Jack Parsons, Ed Forman, and Frank Malina were doing rocket tests at Devil's Gate Dam.
So, they ended up inventing something called the JATO rocket, and sure enough, the United States military caught wind of this and came to them, and the military was like, You guys seem to know what you're doing.
Why don't we get together and work on better explosives than what you guys are blowing up by the dam? Jack Parsons got a bunch of money.
He buys a mansion in the heart of Pasadena, and while this was happening, he came into contact with Aleister Crowley.
He was considered one of the great occultists of our age, who teaches Parsons about sex magic.
Right.
Like, this is do you know about sex magic? No, but yes, please.
Okay.
Let me tell you.
Now, sex magic is like, the idea is, like, cumming orgasm ejaculation.
This is the essence of what makes life happen on this planet.
That moment of orgasm is so powerful, if you experience an orgasm while focusing your intention or will, you can make magic happen.
You can make things happen.
Let's summon spirits and hump.
For a long time.
And that's what was happening.
He's doing these occult rituals and he is fucking all day long, cumming and cumming and cumming and casting spells, and in the end of the day, he's going to work, and he's like, Hey, man, you guys care if I do a fucking magic spell before we launch this missile? They're like, all right, dude, I guess so.
We're trying to fucking make the planet better.
And he's intoning this thing called the Hymn to Pan.
Oh, I, Pan, I, Pan.
So he is out of his gourd, but they're doing great, and his fucking friends are like, Let's start a company.
We'll call it JPL: Jet Propulsion Laboratory.
Oh, wow.
One of the founders of, like, the one of the corp the companies that is responsible for space exploration today.
If you know what [bleep.]
Saturn looks like right now, the rings of Saturn, the Cassini fucking probe around it, the Mars rover, all of this has its roots in Jack Parsons in a mansion in fucking Pasadena, mumbling occult rituals while snorting blow off of his friends' boobs.
And (Laughs) It's outstanding.
So, and a fellow shows up by the name of L.
Ron Hubbard.
He's this sci-fi writer with crazy stories, he's very charismatic, and Parsons is like, hey, man, you're awesome.
Do you have any interest in having sex with my wife? And Hubbard is like, Yeah.
L.
Ron Hubbard just starts fucking Jack Parsons' wife.
And Jack Parsons is like, I like you, you're my friend, L.
Ron Hubbard.
Let's just have sex and do sex magic while I, like, blow up rockets! He's partying so fucking hard.
But then the FBI visit Jack Parsons, and they're like, Hey, um You have military-grade weapons clearance.
You're also into the occult.
You're doing magic spells.
You're going to Communist meetings, and we've heard that you might want to, like, sell some of this information to the Israeli military.
So, uh, we're going to take away your military clearance, because you can't fucking do that.
So, he lost his military clearance.
He says to L.
Ron Hubbard, What do we do, man? We're running out of money.
I don't know what I'm going to do, and Hubbard is like, I think I know what you can do.
You we will start a boat business, and you will give me the last of your money, and I will go to Florida with your wife, and we will be fine.
And Parsons is (laughs) is like, okay.
Sure.
I trust you, man.
You're my best friend.
Who couldn't trust someone like you, L.
Ron Hubbard? (Laughs) And he gives him $20,000! I love you so much I love you too, Derek.
Hubbard goes to Florida with Jack Parsons' wife.
And Parsons is like, Wait, I haven't heard from L.
Ron Hubbard in a few days.
So, he calls L.
Ron Hubbard, What's going on? Like, what's going on? Sorry.
You fucked up, and I'm with your wife, on a boat, going to F out of Florida's wherever Florida is.
And Jack Parsons is like, No.
Fuck that.
I'm a wizard.
I'm a fucking wizard.
And Jack Parsons cast a spell.
Om (Mumbles incantation) (Continues mumbling incantation) But that's just your interpretation.
Yeah.
That's probably the spell - I would imagine he did.
- Yeah.
Who knows? And then it starts (Laughter) Something in that vein.
Oh, check, please.
He called up a storm, and Hubbard and Betty had to turn around 'cause the storm was too powerful to proceed.
And L.
Ron Hubbard gave him his money back, but took his wife, and started a religion called Scientology.
Um And then, in a garage, while experimenting with some explosive chemicals, he exploded himself in Pasadena, killing himself.
Is this proof of what we love kills us? No.
It's proof that if you're fucking around with fulminate of mercury, don't drop it.
There's no magical thing here.
Don't do speed and fuck with explosives.
(Laughter) (Stately music)