F is For Family (2015) s05e02 Episode Script

Okay, little one,
if you can get through the day
without making me puke,
I promise Mommy will get as sick
as you like on the honeymoon.
There's my angel.
Is something wrong?
Oh. Oh, no, Daddy. I'm just so
happy.
Susan, sweetheart,
do you have cold feet?
There's no shame if you do.
No. No, I don't.
You're sure you don't?
I'm sure.
Okay, but it'd be really fine if you did.
What? What are you saying?
I'll give you a thousand dollars
to walk away right now.
- Daddy!
- Three thousand.
A trip to Europe.
Remember that pony you wanted
when you were six?
He's yours!
Just come to your senses
and call this whole thing off.
I'm marrying Frank today!
You know I have issues with that boy,
and here you are,
just throwing your life away
in a rush to marry him.
Who plans a wedding in a week?
I just love him. That's all!
- Well, I hate him!
- Well, I'm marrying him!
And if you can't accept that,
then I don't want to talk to you anymore!
More! More!
More! More!
More! More! More!
Oh, Sue, you're on fire!
Old Franky boy's still got it!
Shut up, Dad!
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love now ♪
All right, this one'll separate
the doctors from the ditchdiggers.
How many quarts of sawdust
can I add to two gallons of chili
before it stops being food
and becomes particleboard?
Kevin Murphy, star pupil.
- Uh
- Uh, uh, uh
Well, this "new you" didn't last long.
You back on the wacky weed?
Oh, stupid!
What a douche.
I'm sorry, Mr. Durkin,
but my grandfather just died,
and it's really messing up my family.
My mom's super tense all the time.
I heard my dad crying
in the bathroom last night,
and when I asked him if he was okay,
he told me to go fuck myself.
I know I'm only 15, but I feel
like if something doesn't change,
I'm gonna wake up one day and be 40
with a shit job
and a rock-god kid who hates me.
And the answer is two quarts of sawdust
or 1.8927 liters of chili.
Kids, I want to tell you
how much I hate your generation.
I don't like your clothes, your haircuts,
or your funky music.
Kevin, I've hated you the most.
But if sitting through 27 years
of my own shattered dream
to make a difference
is what it took to get to this moment,
goddamn it, it was all worth it.
Everyone turn your desk around. Now.
Don't look at me.
Durkin's crying again.
I hope you all overdose!
Okay, kids,
soon we'll be at Fort Rustland,
the birthplace of our fair city,
scene of the historic
Look, a junkie!
That bum is washing his ass
in the fire hydrant!
Keep it down, ya little shits,
or I'll turn this bus around
and drive it right into an oil tanker!
Thank you, Mr. Fitzy.
I said shut the fuck up!
Hey, Maureen. I heard your grandpa died.
Yeah, so?
That's from your grandpa
from beyond the grave!
- That's really fucked up!
- That's the point.
Oh my God, you popped my eye out!
Oh no, I'm sorry!
You're going to jail!
They're gonna give you
the dry end of a mop!
No, please! Don't send me to jail!
Glass eye! Fooled you!
- Stupid bitch!
- Oh, I'll get you.
And then your real eye is gonna pop out!
The only thing that's gonna pop
around here is your cherry, future slut.
Sue, you're the best little sister
a guy could ever want.
Frank, you better take good care of her
or I'll give you the business!
Welcome to the family, Son.
Aw.
If you ever make my little girl cry,
I will tear your tongue out by the root!
You already said that at the altar, Stan.
Jesus, Bob, he fucking hates me.
Of course he does.
You knocked up his little girl.
Uh He doesn't know that yet.
Ooh, then I have to rewrite my toast.
I rented a Baby Huey costume
and everything.
I wanted to tell him, but Sue's terrified
of the bastard. Uh, she's a wreck.
Stress-eating. So sad.
I only do it for the nourishment.
I love eating at weddings.
When everyone hits the dance floor,
so much food is left behind.
I think in my past life
I may have been a seagull.
Oh God, that's good skin.
My dad beat me. This guy's gonna kill me.
The fucking Koreans were nicer.
Don't forget,
even if your real family goes tits up,
you'll always have me
and your Mohican family.
This is my second funeral this week.
I just got shit-canned, Irv.
You gotta get me a new gig.
They need any more sad Indians
to cry about litter?
I I can pretend to give a fuck.
Uh, this place won't be the same
without Rosie talking
about how much he hates this place.
Good for him, he took the buyout.
Now he can follow his heart
and be a full-time alderman.
Not our totem poles!
I talk to them when I'm high as balls!
Jesus, Red, calm down.
We're gonna be okay.
We still have jobs.
We're working for a solid company,
our checks won't bounce,
and we're done with that nine-chinned,
hot-dog-eating fuck Pogo.
That's true. I feel better already.
Goodbye, old friend.
I'll never forget the wonderful times
I spent dropping acid with you.
We never did acid. That was speed.
You got any more of those fuckers?
This is a private conversation!
Thanks to Mayor Tangenti's record
of corruption and neglect,
the Twelfth Ward Rec Center
was just a place to score drugs.
But now, it's a place to score baskets!
And drugs.
But that's not
till after the sun goes down.
I'm so proud of you, Chauncey!
I'm not crying.
It's just my organs shutting down.
Today, backboards.
Tomorrow, hot water above 198th Street!
If it's hot water you want,
it's hot water you're gonna get.
- I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
- Shut up, Gary!
Happy Rustland Heritage Day,
and welcome to the 18th century!
What is that strange yellow buckboard
you rode up in?
It's a bus, dipshit.
On this day in November 1761,
the colonists of Fort Rustland
were tucking into their midday meal
of salted mutton, salt crackers, and salt,
when they were set upon
by hostile Indians.
Sioux? Sioux Indians?
The Shawnees!
They launched a sneak attack!
Oh, look! Maureen and Bridget
have yellow diarrhea!
Need a diaper?
I'm gonna kick you in the box so hard
that you'll never have a baby.
The bloodthirsty savages
viciously stole several ears of corn
the whites had promised them.
Let's beat it. This shit is boring.
Yeah. The French and Indian War
had a much lower casualty count
than later conflicts.
Huh, well, if it isn't the Rustvale Rat.
Oh, you.
Look, it's that mouth-breathing pussy
from Stoughton.
I didn't recognize you
without my stick hanging out of your ass.
Oh, tough talk for a kid
that's about to eat a mouthful of mitten!
Ow.
- You fucker!
- Bitch kick!
No fighting.
I'll summon the constable.
It's 1974, idiot.
They're called "pigs" now.
Get him!
Oh, fuck.
- Run!
- Get 'em!
Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.
What a day to break in new penny loafers!
That was a lovely ceremony.
And your brother Louis is a looker.
Hmm. He's not your type.
Somebody has to be!
Yesterday I thought a man
was giving me the eye,
but he just wanted to tell me
I had lettuce stuck in my teeth.
My dad has been awful today.
He called Frank
a shifty, potato-eating mick.
Well, he's not wrong.
Do you think maybe he knows about,
you know, "the boom in your womb"?
If he did, I'd be a widow by now.
I'll tell my folks
after we get back from the honeymoon.
Tell us what?
There's my grandbaby!
I bought Megan happy paper
from the pop-pop tree!
Aw, it's so good to see you.
- Thanks for coming.
- Of course.
What's wrong?
You made it seem so urgent on the phone.
Well, this is hard for me to say.
Um
- Frank
- You're finally getting a divorce!
I knew it!
- Didn't I?
- Yes, you did.
On the drive down,
he pulled over to stop at a wishing well.
I'm not getting a divorce!
When Frank's dad died,
they left so many things unsaid.
I just don't want that to happen to us.
Oh, Susan, aren't you darling?
We have no issues between us.
Daddy hates Frank!
You always have.
Not always.
Just since the first moment
I laid eyes on the worthless bastard.
I'm glad you're over your funk
and feeling better.
Yeah, you like it when I'm not crying,
don't ya?
Alice? Alice, are you in there?
Oh no, it's my dad!
What's he doing home
in the middle of the day?
Does he have cancer or something?
Peanut, listen,
I I'm so sorry to bother you,
but my pen ran out of ink.
Well, who do we have here?
- I wasn't doing anything!
- Ah, you must be Kevin!
Dr. Erwin Goldman.
Alice says wonderful things about you.
- Dad, stop.
- I I still wasn't doing anything.
There's no need for pretense.
I was young once, back when
the Dead Sea was just sick.
You both have healthy teenage urges,
but I think you're still a little young
to be fully exploring your sexuality.
Perhaps we could go back to my office
and have a group encounter about
Oh, you're so embarrassing!
You left me
in the middle of our session, Dr. G!
I was gonna make a breakthrough,
but you blew it!
Anything I do from here on out is on you.
- Oh, who's this fucking dink?
- Eat me.
Maybe I will.
Uh, wait in my office, Jeffrey.
I'll be with you shortly.
Mmm.
Kevin, would you care to stay for dinner?
I'm making coq au vin.
- Sure, I'm really good at eating dinner.
- Splendid.
Now keep this door open, you two.
Oh my God, I'm gonna run away!
Fellas, my name is Ed.
I don't like to use the word "boss,"
so call me your new "friend in charge."
I know we were rivals in the past,
but if we all work together,
Ala-Hican can be Ala-we-can.
Have an Ala-happy day.
See? Things are gonna be great.
Ed's a marshmallow sandwich.
You don't want to know what that is
on a porn set.
My name is Burke, and I am your boss.
And the first guy who wants to know
whether Burke is my first or last name
can meet me in the parking lot.
You're not working for Mohican anymore.
This is a real airline.
That means you learn this,
front to back and back to front!
That ain't how I read,
and that ain't how I wipe.
All right, calm down!
He's a dick, but he's no Pogo.
Sorry. Go ahead, Burke.
You don't get to call me that.
You will refer to me
as "president of ground operations."
Or POGO!
Oh, this guy can suck all the dicks!
Guys! Guys, come on!
All right, give me a sec,
I'll I'll bring them back.
POGO.
Fuck this place.
Oh, man, that made me feel good.
And angry! And sleepy. And paranoid!
Guys, you can't just walk out
in the middle of a
What the fuck is this place?
We can't work with these assholes.
Look at these fucking rules!
Shirts must be tucked in?
Smile at customers?
What's next? We can't fart in a jar
and put it on a plane to Honolulu?
- How long has this place been here?
- We're gonna take the buyout.
Then we'll become full-time pornographers
in the city of dreams,
Chatsworth, California.
Come on. You can't quit.
We've been through a lot together.
We have a history.
Fuck history.
Hey, that's our next porno.
Tits-topher Columbutt
and Napoleon Legs-apart
tag-team Mary, Queen of Cocks!
It's educational,
and you can empty your balls to it.
Guys, no, you can't leave!
Frank, calm down.
I'm glad you want to us to stay,
but we weren't super dedicated
to our jobs.
Matter of fact, without the union,
we'd probably be in jail.
I've had a rough few days.
Look, give me a chance to talk to Ed.
He's a pushover.
I'll make everything okay.
All right, but if it don't work out,
come with us to Chatsworth.
You could make a killing as a stunt ass!
- Dad, I want you and Frank to make up.
- Ha.
And I want you to do it
at our house on Thanksgiving.
I'd rather kiss Tojo on Pearl Harbor Day.
Dad, this has to stop.
There's so much ill will between you
and Frank, and I'm stuck in the middle.
I just can't understand
what would make you attracted to someone
with that level of anger.
But fine.
If it'll make you happy,
we'll come to Thanksgiving.
- I can be reasonable.
- Great.
- And I want to invite Louis.
- Never in a million lifetimes!
He's gay, but he's your only son.
You two used to be so close.
Dad, you were inseparable.
Oh, Stan, not the buzzer thing.
Remember how you'd do
the Charlie Chaplin walk together?
Louis is your flesh and blood.
You banished him from our family,
and you've got to fix this.
Me? This is on you.
It is not!
Sweetie, I talk to Louis every few years.
He definitely blames you.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
After the Indians' cowardly sneak attack,
the white settlers planned
a brave sneak attack in return.
Over here, I smell them!
The redheaded kid has shit-breath.
They're all redheads.
That's fucking weird, man.
They want to kill us.
Guys, it's time to use
the bully's secret weapon,
being a pussy.
We just got to find a grown-up
to hide behind.
What about that sad lady
with the man's haircut?
Oh, what cologne are you wearing?
I made in my pants.
Oh, you wanna make in my pants?
No, thank you, Cap'n.
Oh, I almost had him.
I'd rather get my ass kicked.
Why'd you have to spear that kid
in the gooch?
I didn't know he'd hold a grudge!
- Shit! We can't get to Amy.
- Yes, we can.
I saw this super funny movie with my dad
for my birthday last year.
It was about this badass red-haired girl
with special powers.
Oh, yeah. Pippi Longstocking.
No, The Exorcist.
We can consign Amy to hell
with your evil eye.
Ed, you got a minute?
For you, Frank, I have two.
I was just listening to Harmo-Nation.
You mean those creepy weirdos
who played the Super Bowl Halftime Show?
I was a Harmo for ten years.
Oh, they're great.
Dead-eyed kids marching with banjos.
- I mean
- that's good stuff.
Do you mind if I eat while we talk?
All right, listen, Ed. Your guy's
coming down too hard on my crew.
You know, we had our own way
of doing stuff that worked good for us,
and we we want to keep doing things
the Mohican way.
You understand.
No, I don't.
Okay, well, if.. if I say it slower?
We had our way
Frank, the "Mohican way"
is why we own you now.
Look at this place.
Your time clock doesn't have a minute hand
and still thinks it's 1961.
We're efficient.
You were inefficient
to the tune of two million dollars
in lost luggage make-goods last year.
Now, now, now, in our defense,
half of that was Lassie.
And we didn't lose her. She just froze.
So, no, Frank.
You fellas have to do what we say.
And I'll need you to come in
for extra unpaid training this weekend.
Ah, my stars, a carrot's just a piece
of candy grown by Mother Earth herself.
Ed, you can't treat us like this. Okay?
We're half of this company.
Carl and Red are ready to bolt,
and I will walk out that door with them.
Pardon my combative language, Frank,
but do you really mean that?
Oh, I am as serious as crotch-rot in July.
This is no bluff.
I want the same buyout Rosie got,
one week for every year.
And I have been here for 20 years.
That's right, you were the first time.
What?
You were fired last Christmas,
and then you got rehired in April.
So, you've only really been here
for six-and-a-half months.
Here's your buyout.
Do you have change for a 50?
Oh my God.
Robert, you are now the proprietor
of one failed family pizza parlor
slash robot-bear titty establishment.
Good to have you on my side this time
instead of threatening
to bury a piece of me
under every stadium in America.
Ah, yes, that was a good threat.
This is the beginning
of a profitable friendship.
It'll be 200 a month for rent
and 800 a month for protection.
Oh, glorious day!
I'm the happiest boy in the world!
I got her fucking spit.
Now we can begin the haunting.
Evil meets evil. Drag Amy down south.
Make that bum take a shit in her mouth.
They have bricks.
How ever shall we get
to the safe haven of our bus?
Is this how scared you felt around me?
That is so cool.
Guys, look at this.
They were outnumbered
and faced impossible odds,
but the heroic white pioneers
used nothing but their wits and guns
to conquer the malnourished savages.
I just got an idea.
Ah.
- Ow, fuck, my breastbone!
- Run!
Whoa!
You're dead!
Oh, shit! Open the door!
Don't go to the angels, Papa! Let us in!
- Open up!
- Open the door!
Ah! No, Father Brown!
Ah!
Hey! Hey, cut it out!
Somebody shoot the bus!
Evil meets evil!
Ah!
- Ugh.
- Holy shit!
The evil eye worked!
Eh, can't breathe.
Somebody phone an ambulance!
Oh, now you know what it's called!
What the hell is going on here?
He threw a plaque at us!
- He started it!
- That's enough!
Okay, what are your names?
Bill Murphy.
Jimmy Fitzsimmons.
Don't you lie to me, boy!
But that's my name!
It's Jimmy Fitzsimmons!
I said don't lie!
Ah!
Die, die, die!
Hot cross buns
Hot cross buns ♪
I wanted to tell you, Daddy,
but I was too afraid of what you'd do.
You were right.
I'll kill that dirty-fingernailed Romeo
who assaulted my baby!
He didn't assault me, and I am not a baby!
I'm 21. I can drink and vote,
and now that I'm married,
I can apply for a credit card.
It better have a high limit, because
you'll never get another penny out of me!
No, Daddy, please!
Hey, Sis, it's time to cut the cake and
Is everything all right?
Your sister rushed into this marriage
because she's going to have a baby.
Oh, Sue, no. It can't be.
Oh, it be!
That grease monkey sullied her.
And in a Ford no less!
You're no longer a part of this family!
Daddy, how could you say that?
You lied to me!
I can't imagine
a bigger disappointment in my life.
Oh, yeah? Well, Louis is a fruitcake!
Uh
You're a what cake?
I will never forgive myself
for what I did to Louis that night.
And I know he hates me because of it.
But you have been just as terrible to him.
How can that be?
Your father hasn't spoken to Louis
in seven years.
Daddy, he's your son! Have a heart!
Why? So he can break it again?
If you can't accept him,
then I don't want you in my life.
- Fine with me!
- Stanley Burl Chilson!
You've already lost a son.
You want to go for a daughter now?
For Pete's sake, not you too.
Darling, I always take your side,
but I don't want to spend
my golden years with just you,
reliving the time
you got a hole in one at Baltusrol.
It was a miracle!
They comped my appetizers!
I just want my family back together.
Now, that's not fair.
You know I can't stand to see you cry,
which is maybe why you're doing it now.
It's not why I'm doing it now!
Okay. Okay, angel.
Please stop crying.
We'll come to Thanksgiving.
Thank you.
And I'll be cordial with my so-called son.
But I get to tell that hole in one story,
and you better not roll your eyes!
Amen ♪
Hail Satan.
Kevin, we like to start our dinners off
by sharing an amusing anecdote
about our day. I'll start.
I was with a patient earlier.
Sort of an odd-shaped man,
looks a bit like a giant thumb.
He compulsively defecates in the woods,
and it all traces back
to a horrible incident
in his childhood when
Ooh.
I'm afraid that means I have
a patient waiting. Emergency session.
But I'll be back in 48 minutes
for our Monday night hootenanny.
- I love singing!
- Dad!
Your mother informed me
you had an incident today.
Why don't you tell me what happened?
My brain went to the Red Place.
Rustland City Mayor Anthony Tangenti
announced a change in plans
for the new elevated tollway
between Whitesboro and Pinkton Heights
late this afternoon.
Mommy did good today, sweetie.
She didn't smoke.
And our family is gonna be
in great shape soon.
Fuck.
The Joseph Valachi Tollway was slated
to go through Little Ireland,
but we found that running it
through the Twelfth Ward
was only gonna displace a few, uh,
undesirables.
The way these people live,
bulldozing their house is a step up.
- Fuck that fucking motherfucker.
- What was that, baby?
I said, "Fuck that fucking motherfucker!"
Just making sure
you're all right.
Woke up this morning feeling fine ♪
There's something special on my mind ♪
Last night I met a new girl ♪
In the neighborhood ♪
Oh yeah ♪
Something tells me
I'm into something good ♪
Something tells me
I'm into something good ♪
Something tells me
I'm into something good ♪
- Something good ♪
- Ooh ♪
Oh yeah, something ♪
Something tells me
I'm into something good ♪
- Oh yeah ♪
- Oh yeah ♪
Something tells me
I'm into something good ♪
Guitar solo!
You're quite the picker, Kevin.
Oh, you're not too bad yourself.
You know, I once sat in
with one of the Kingston Trio.
- I think it was the main one too.
- Whoa! Seriously?
I don't know who that is,
but that is cool.
- Alice, join us.
- Oh, you're so embarrassing.
Sioux? Sioux Indians?