Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s05e02 Episode Script

1 SHANIA: Let's go, girls.
[SHANIA TWAIN'S "MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!" PLAYS.]
Come on.
I'm going out tonight, I'm feeling all right Gonna let it all hang out [SNIFFS, COUGHS.]
Want to make some noise, really raise my voice Yeah, I want to scream and shout [MARIA CRYING.]
[SIGHS.]
- No inhibitions, make no conditions - Babe, it's your turn! MARVIN: Sorry.
Just dealt myself a hand of Solitaire.
- Get a little out of line - I haven't had a glass of wine in 10 months, - so let me have this buttery Chard in peace.
- I ain't gonna act politically correct - Roger that.
- Okay.
I only want to have a good time I've missed us.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
The best thing about being a woman - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- What are you doing?! What are you doing?! - Is the prerogative to have a - [SIGHS.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Wine and Shania? I got here just in time.
You need to Zuo Yue Zi.
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat I'm sure Zuo Yue tea is great, and definitely worth sneaking into my house, scaring me, and breaking my glassware, but I'm a coffee person.
Zuo Yue Zi isn't just tea.
It's a Chinese custom where your mother, or your mother-in-law, or your selfless friend takes care of you after you've given birth.
Oh, that's sweet.
And it looks like I came just in time because your body has obviously been through a trauma.
But don't worry.
Zuo Yue Zi will help you heal and re-balance.
Isn't that what this is for? [LAUGHING.]
Come on.
That's funny, isn't it? I'm still funny, right? Good ol' Funny Honey.
I haven't slept in 36 hours.
That's exactly why you need me to Zuo Yue Zi for you.
Louis' mother did it for me, and it was a lifesaver.
I'll cook all your meals, make sure you get plenty of rest, and I'll be an extra set of hands with Maria.
I can't ask you to do all that.
You're so busy with your family and your book.
What book? Please, let me help you.
Besides, this might be the only opportunity I have to Zuo Yue Zi for someone because I have no daughters, and my sons will probably all marry strong women who I will be too old to overpower.
It's a tempting offer, but I don't need help.
I've got Marvin.
[LAUGHING.]
There's Funny Honey! No, he helps with the cooking Don't worry.
Breakfast is on the grill.
[CLIP, CLIP.]
Okay.
Let's try your Zuo Yue Zi.
Fantastic.
Thank you, Honey, for being the otherwise disappointing white daughter-in-law who is too weak to fight me off.
[GRUNTING, PANTING.]
The Weather Channel is counting down the storms of the century, and this is what you're watching? Hey! "Pumping Iron".
[CHUCKLES.]
This movie inspired my very first bowl cut.
Eddie and I want to start lifting weights.
Don't get too big.
We're not buying you new shirts.
We know.
We just wanted to get stronger than Grandma.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
I can't hold on.
My arms feel like Jell-O.
[GRUNTS.]
She is deceptively strong.
She doesn't slice a watermelon.
She rips it open with her bare hands.
Hey, Dad, since Mom's over at Honey's for a while, we thought we could turn her office into a gym.
I don't see why not.
She's not using it anymore since her book was a total fail I-I mean, she's not using it anymore.
It's so great that mysterious billionaire bought all the copies of Mommy's book and insisted she retire.
She told me Tom Clancy paid her so she could stop writing because he feared the competition.
You two are such idiots.
The mysterious billionaire was Tom Clancy.
- Oh! - Uh, yep, that's exactly what happened.
- [GRUNTING.]
- [SIGHS.]
I'll be in my room.
I can't concentrate with all this grunting.
Hey, Dad, want to hop on the muscle train with us? I'd love to, but since your mom's busy with Honey, this is my chance to spend some Q with number three.
[CHUCKLES.]
Quality time with Evan? Because your mom hogs him to herself all the time? Cool.
Hey, Emery, want to go make a smoothie? As Arnold says [AS ARNOLD.]
"First you bulk, then you shred.
" Lunch time.
I made you a special fish soup with red dates and Goji.
It's full of iron to help restore your broken body.
I wouldn't say it's broken.
Of course, your splintered body.
Try it.
How do you know all this? Grandma Huang did this for me three times.
It was either learn about Goji or listen to one of her arm wrestling stories.
Mmm, that's good.
"Good"? It's fantastic! [CHUCKLES.]
[SLURPS.]
Mmm.
You're spoiling us Jessica.
You sure you don't want me to thaw us out some strip steaks for dinner? - Please God, no.
- No.
I've already started on a sesame oil soup for dinner.
You're staying for dinner? Oh, God bless you.
Huh, soup for dinner? Slurps up! Oh, and thank you for the socks.
They're very cozy.
Well, it's important for new mothers to keep their feet warm.
Grandma Huang gave me those during our first Zuo Yue Zi.
I threatened to push her down the stairs so many times in those socks.
[SPOON CLINKS.]
I don't know if it's the Goji or what, but something's happening.
I think I feel my milk letting down.
Surrender to the Goji.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Okay, I'm gonna lift it.
I would argue we already worked out by moving all those boxes of Mom's novel from here to Grandma's garage.
Guess we don't want to overdo it.
Exactly.
You know, for a billionaire, you'd think Tom Clancy could come pick up his own books.
- Hmm.
- Hey, bud.
What you doing? Reading? Trying to.
Ooh, "Churchill: Lad to Legend.
" Big book.
Big man.
Dad, can I help you with something? No, I just thought we could hang out, me and you.
- Uh, I don't really "hang".
- Sure you do! I see you in here with Mom all the time hanging, chilling, maxing, relaxing.
- But that's different.
- Why? Come on.
You know why.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why? Because I'm more of a "Mommy Guy".
Everyone knows that.
All right, Winston, there's only steerage on this steamer to Calcutta.
Let's see what you do.
[MARIA COOING.]
[SIGHS.]
Hmm.
Welcome back.
- [GASPS.]
- You were running in your dream.
Jessica? I'll go make your next herbal tea.
Oh, no.
No, no, that's okay.
Really, between the soups and the herbs and the nap, I feel completely refreshed.
[GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Where are you going? I thought I'd get the stroller, take Maria out for some fresh air.
I am sorry, Honey, but you can't.
During Zuo Yue Zi, the new mother can't leave the house for a month.
- What? - That's what it means.
Zuo Yue Zi "Sitting the Month".
I'm going to be here, in your house, helping you heal the entire time.
30 days? And 30 nights! - - [REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS.]
Ah, ah, ah! The less you move during this time, the better for your pelvis.
What do you need? Just a glass of ice water.
I burned my tongue on the tea.
I'm sorry, but cold food and drink aren't allowed during Zuo Yue Zi.
They're a shock to the system.
Here's breakfast.
Oh.
The same soup? Every day? Oh, there are small changes.
Next week, we introduce White Dahlia Root.
Jessica, I so appreciate you wanting to "Sit the Month" with me, but I can't let you do this for 29 more days.
It's too much trouble.
Nonsense.
What else do I have going on? Off the top of my head your husband - He's fine.
- your boys - Perfectly fine.
- your book? What book? You are my priority right now, and I want to finish what we started.
It's called "Sitting the Month", not "Sitting the Day and a Half.
" Yeah, I kind of wish you had translated that in the beginning.
Please, just let me give you this gift, as a friend.
Okay, but do you think I could have some fruit for breakfast instead of the soup? You can have this in four hours after it's warmed to room temperature.
There you are.
Come on.
Time to work out.
What do you think I'm doing? MAN: Work it.
Tae Bo, the revolutionary combination of Taekwondo and boxing.
Well, what about weight lifting? We can't just jump to the pump.
It's not safe.
We have to master our body weight.
Before I lift iron, I got to know how to lift Eddie.
Work it.
Do it again! Go! Whoa! Tae Bo! The revolutionary combination of Taekwondo and boxing.
Yeah, it's a great workout.
Grab a seat.
My sweatbands are in the wash.
Hey, can I ask you guys something? Evan said he's more of a "Mom Guy", which [SCOFFS.]
I mean, that's crazy, right? Evan's not a "Mom Guy".
- He's definitely a "Mom Guy".
- Total "Mom Guy".
Really, you guys know it, too?! So it's not your mom hogging Evan.
It's Evan choosing to hang out with her instead of me.
Dad, we're working out here, so Okay, with your mom away, I've got 30 days to turn Evan into a "Dad Guy".
All we need is some classic, all-American father-son QT.
[AIR RUSHING.]
Isn't this great? Since we both love our hair, I got this attachment so we could style side-by-side and, you know, bond.
Maybe turn you into a "Dad Guy".
What? I said I thought we could bond! What?! - [CLICK.]
- [RUSHING STOPS.]
Sorry.
I was just saying how nice it is that we both love styling our hair.
We have that in common.
- I don't style my hair.
- Of course you do.
- I just wash and go.
- [GASPS.]
Wow.
You're blessed.
Just like Mom.
Mind if I go read? Churchill is entering his crotchety phase.
His jowls are about to come in.
If I can't take a shower, can I at least wash my hair? Please? Sorry, no.
Bathing of any kind is prohibited during Zuo Yue Zi.
- But why? - [SIGHS.]
Some say it's to keep your good bacteria, others say it's to maintain body heat.
I'm not sure which, but I'm not gonna argue with thousands of years of Chinese culture, are you? I mean, no.
I guess not.
But Sounds like you're arguing with Chinese culture.
I don't ask you why you kiss the Blarney Stone, do I? [CHUCKLES.]
She's got you there.
Now, now, it's only natural to question something that is so powerful.
So I got you the latest issue of "Sitting the Month-ly".
The crosswords are super easy.
Every answer is "baby".
- [MARIA FUSSING.]
- I'm gonna go put Maria down for a nap.
Okay, Jessica is up to something.
I just can't figure out what.
I mean, she's being way too nice, she won't leave me alone, she's not talking about her favorite topic herself.
I don't know what's going on with her, but I'm worried.
Well, I'm not.
I'm loving this.
Nice Jessica, free child care, barely having to chew your food.
Plus, I'm down to my pre-baby weight.
Pre-Nicole.
[LAUGHS.]
This is the life, man.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[SIGHS.]
Watching all that Tae Bo made me thirsty.
- Restorative smoothie? - Hell yeah, bro.
Got to get that muscle repair.
Rip, tear, repair.
Care to add some watermelon? [GRUNTS.]
We got to start working out.
Since our salon session was such a bust, I thought we'd try an activity we both could enjoy storm chasing.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Can we do this another time? Maybe when there's a cloud in the sky.
I just got a 3,000-piece puzzle of the Cliffs of Dover.
Or as Winston called them, "Britain's Front Gate".
A puzzle?! I love puzzles! [SCOFFS.]
All these cliffs look alike.
- [SIGHS.]
- That's the fun part.
You know, I can finish this myself.
Probably faster.
No way.
This is our quality time.
Just you and me.
Stop! You don't need to force it! I'm not.
I like spending time with you.
I was talking about the pieces.
Oh, yeah, um me too.
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
"Sorry, cold air is forbidden".
She turned off the AC? Yeah, isn't it great? Oh, this heat is working wonders for my joints.
Check it out.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Torpedo squats.
You don't touch another woman's AC in Florida.
That's it.
I'm taking a shower.
- [SCREAMS.]
- I knew you'd be tempted.
Also, shh.
Screaming isn't allowed during Zuo Yue Zi.
Jessica, I love that you want to help me, but this has gone too far.
You need to leave.
Sorry, I can't do that.
Why? What is going on with you? I know you.
You're my best friend.
Something's going on.
Just talk to me.
Fine.
I didn't want to tell you this, but you are very weak.
You hit your Zuo Yue Zi wall very early.
Most people don't break until Day 20.
Jessica, you are acting crazy.
It's way past your nap time.
Why don't you go lie down, and I'll go make us some tea? [SCOFFS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[SIGHS.]
[HUMMING.]
I added a pinch of Swallowwort.
It'll help that temper! Honey? [GASPS.]
We got a runner.
Honey? Are you here? If you come back, I'll give you an ice cube.
[SIGHS.]
[WATER RUNNING.]
I knew it.
So weak.
Aha! [SCREAMS.]
Um you didn't see this.
Everyone knows you use leave-in conditioner, Louis.
Sure, but which brand? Pantene.
Have you seen Honey? She escaped! After four days? She hit that wall early, huh? Yes, and I was doing it the nice way rolling out the rules slowly so she wouldn't freak out, hiding her shoes so she couldn't escape.
But she did escape.
In socks.
Like a desperate orphan.
Think, Louis.
If you were a weak white woman who wanted to feel better, where would you go? Talbots? Anyway, I'm happy you're here.
I need to talk to you.
You have two minutes while I think about where to find Honey.
Go.
Okay, I've been trying to turn Evan into a "Dad Guy" by spending quality time with him, but it's not working.
And now I'm worried.
Maybe I'm not an "Evan Guy".
Please, you think I'm an "Eddie Guy"? You don't have to be a perfect match with your son to have a relationship with him.
- Hmm.
- You'll find some common ground, probably when you least expect it.
Like how Eddie and I discovered we both like to kick anthills.
I don't know how you two can do that.
The ants work so hard on those hills.
My point is, there's no such thing as "quality time".
Time is time.
Huh.
Thanks.
You know, I never thought about it like The backyard! I bet Honey wanted to give herself a nice hose shower.
- [AC UNIT HUMMING.]
- [CRUNCHING.]
Ah.
I have missed salt.
Mmm.
Thank you for hiding me, Jenny.
No problem.
Jessica will give up soon, right? I mean, it's nice that she wants to help me heal, but this is just too much.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I'm sorry.
I only understood "Zuo Yue Zi".
It's not you who needs to heal.
It's Jessica.
Why would Jessica need to heal? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Hey, a new puzzle, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Lot of corners on that one.
Only four.
Same as every puzzle.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, I'm sorry for trying to force all this quality time on you.
I was just hoping to turn you into a "Dad Guy".
I may not be a "Dad Guy", but you're still my dad.
And it was nice of you to do all that stuff.
Annoying, but nice.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um, well, if it's okay with you, I'm just gonna watch TV over here while you do your thing over there.
I'd like that.
- [CRASHING.]
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
"Twister"? This movie is the worst.
Such an inaccurate depiction of weather.
That first tornado wasn't even a supercell.
Why chase it? Well, what do you expect from a movie where Bill Paxton leaves Jami Gertz? Come on.
That woman is delightful.
And a doctor! Talk about a catch! Look at this.
This is so ridiculous.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know.
I hate it.
[SCOFFS.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Ha! I knew you would come back eventually.
To my own home? You caught me.
Do you know how dangerous it is to stop sitting the month early? You won't heal properly.
Now we need to start all over again.
We do, actually.
Only this time, how about you take a seat and I make the tea, okay? So, I talked to Jenny.
I think I know why you're doing this.
Because you're broken and I'm helping you heal.
No.
Because you need to heal.
I am so sorry.
Look, I know you don't want to talk about this right now.
But when you do, I'm here.
I need to get over my book.
Is that it? It's a good start.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
What is this? This is sangria.
This is how Southerners sit the month.
The fruit tastes like wine.
I'll make us a pitcher.
All right, boys, guess who's ready to get his Bo on? Boys? - [AIR RUSHING.]
- Boys? So sorry.
We should have asked.
We're just trying to find our optimal workout hair.
Although, now that we look so good, it seems like kind of a waste to ruin this hair by working out.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mind if I cut in? [CHUCKLES.]
[AIR RUSHING.]