Full House s05e02 Episode Script

D.
J.
, D.
J.
, D.
J.
, wake up.
It's Saturday morning.
I'm sleeping.
Then why are you talking? I'm talking in my sleep.
Good night.
You're missing Road Runner cartoon.
[IMITATING ROAD RUNNER.]
Hey, Looney Tune.
Hey, cut the mneeping.
When you reach a certain age, you're just too mature to waste your Saturday mornings watching cartoons.
Michelle, quick.
You're missing the Road Runner.
Wile E.
Coyote just ran off a cliff and he's standing in midair.
Come on, let's go, because as soon as he looks down you know it's gonna be: [WHISTLING.]
How come he doesn't fall until he looks down? That's how cartoon gravity works.
Now, come on, let's go.
[IMITATING ROAD RUNNER.]
Oh, well, I'm up.
[IMITATING ROAD RUNNER.]
Hey, Michelle, look who came over to play.
- Hi, Teddy.
- Hi, Michelle.
So, what are you two crazy kids up to, a little tea party? We're gonna play Terminator 2.
[IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER.]
: Oh, no problemo.
Hasta la vista, baby.
[CHUCKLING.]
Consider that a divorce.
I'm the party pooper.
I'll be back.
Let's play house.
Okay, I'll be the daddy.
I'll be Uncle Jesse.
Uncle Jesse? You should be the mommy.
I don't know how to be the mommy.
- Why not? - I don't have a mommy.
You should get one.
Mommies use fabric softener on your pajamas.
My daddy does that.
Mommies always have good candy in their purse.
My daddy has Wet-Naps in his wallet.
Mommies smell nice and wear pretty dresses.
You got me there.
It's too bad you don't have a mommy.
You're missing something good.
Yeah, you're right.
I need a mommy.
[VACUUM BUZZING.]
Dad, just to save you some more cleaning what's the capital of Ecuador? Steph, wouldn't it be better if you looked it up instead of me telling you? You don't know, do you? Not a clue.
Dad, I have to write a paper about what it's like being another person.
So, guess what.
I'm gonna live in someone else's house for two days and someone else is gonna live here.
That sounds like a neat idea.
So who's gonna live here? Hola, Mr.
T.
Dad, do something.
She's got luggage.
God save us all.
Dad, it's for school.
Every good grade helps me get into college.
You know, a good education is highly overrated.
Just relax.
You guys are gonna have a great time because Kimmy's not really Kimmy.
Kimmy's gonna be me.
And I'm not gonna be me anymore because I'm gonna be Kimmy.
Am I going too fast, Mr.
T? I want my little girl back.
Don't look at me.
She's right here.
Okay, look.
I suppose we can give this a try as long as you can behave like D.
J.
Well, there are a few slight differences.
I don't do housework, homework, or anything else with "work" in it.
Well, enjoy the new me.
Adiós, Tanneritos.
- Bye.
STEPH: Bye.
So, what do we do now? You people like to hug, don't you? - Hey, guys.
JOEY: Hey, Jess.
BECKY: Hi.
- Can you believe it? Jesse and the Rippers got turned down by another record company.
They said our image is too soft.
Where do those jerks get off calling me soft? I'm as tough as anybody.
Oh, hello in there.
How are my little twinsie-winsies? Did I just say "twinsie-winsies"? Yessie-wessie, Jesse.
They're right.
I'm a wuss.
Beck, what am I gonna do? I have a big showcase tomorrow night for another record company.
Well, you and Joey used to be in advertising.
Why don't you get the old team back together and come up with a bad image.
What's this bonehead know about being bad? He watches cartoons all day.
Are you trying to tell me that the Tasmanian Devil isn't bad? - What does he do? - It just so happens he spins around and slobbers.
[IMITATING TASMANIAN DEVIL.]
You're an idiot, but I'm desperate.
- Let's go.
- Idiot? Bye, Becky.
Aunt Becky, can we talk? Sure, sweetheart.
What do you wanna talk about? How do I get a mommy? Um, well, first your daddy needs to fall in love with a nice lady.
How do you fall in love? Well, I fell in love with your Uncle Jesse over a candlelight dinner with flowers and soft music.
Oh, it was very romantic.
Was there kissing? Yes, there was.
Ooh.
Oh, it was just a little good-night kiss that lasted three hours.
How come nobody kisses my daddy? Well, that's a good question.
I don't know.
I mean, your daddy's a great guy.
Okay, so he spends all his time cleaning and he talks too much, especially about himself.
All your daddy needs to do is find a nice lady who's a good listener, and who needs a housekeeper.
Now, I'm sure that she's out there somewhere.
And when he finds her, he'll fall in love, and then you'll have a new mommy.
Do you understand? Yes, I do.
My daddy needs help.
What it's like to be D.
J.
Tanner.
Day one.
I'm about to discover the joy of having a little sister.
Hey, squirt, get me two doughnuts, pronto.
In your dreams.
Don't you get it, kid? I'm the big sister.
I gave you a direct order, now snap to it.
Excuse me, Comet.
Gibbler, let me tell you how this sister thing works.
You're a pain in my neck, and I'm a pain in yours.
It's a jungle in here.
So if you want a doughnut, you march your little bird legs down to the kitchen and get it yourself.
Go ahead, I'll time you.
Ready.
Go.
Go.
You're losing time.
Comet, there goes one human you're smarter than.
JOEY: Jess, it's macho, it's tough.
It's that hard-edge rock 'n' roll image we've been looking for.
I love it.
I hate it.
- Come on, Jess.
It's totally Nelson.
- Ah! I look like Cousin Itt.
Joey, think more on the lines of, like, Whitesnake and Ratt and Poison.
Groups like that.
I need something to grab the audience by their throat and just rip it apart.
Okay, hold on.
I'm getting something.
What are those birds that swoop down that everyone's afraid of? Pigeons? No.
Bigger, darker, scarier.
I got it.
You are Vulture.
- Vulture, I like it.
- Yeah? It's dark.
It's vicious.
It's kind of like a buzzard, but it's got better hair.
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, cover your heads.
Hide your dead and bandage your open wounds.
- Yeah.
- Here comes Vulture.
[IMITATING VULTURE.]
Come on, do it.
Do it.
Vulture.
Scarier.
Darker.
More tongue.
More tongue.
All right, now, children it's time to put away your crayons and clean up your desks.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Oh, yes, Michelle.
- I got crayon on my desk.
Oh, that's all right.
A little cleanser will clean that right up.
Do you like to clean? Oh, yes.
I always say a clean room is a happy room.
My daddy says that too.
[BELL RINGING.]
All right, another day without an injury.
Oh, hi.
Brandon T.
and Brandon L.
, here are your moms.
Oh, and there's Michelle's dad.
Hi, Michelle.
Daddy, guess what.
Guess what.
Guess what.
What? What? What? Miss Wiltrout said a clean room is a happy room.
Sounds like my kind of teacher.
That is very good news.
- Hello, Mr.
Tanner.
- Nice to see you again.
I'll let you two talk.
So how's Michelle doing? Well, she did very well in art class today.
Unfortunately, most of it wound up on her desk.
Hmm.
Well, do you mind if I take this whole thing home and hang it on the refrigerator? I got a secret.
What? Tell me.
My daddy and Miss Wiltrout are gonna fall in love.
They are not.
They are too.
I'm getting a new mommy.
Our teacher's gonna be your new mommy? Watch this.
You know, if you buff these desks with a cheesecloth I think it will bring out the natural luster of the Formica for you.
- I'll make a note of that.
- Right.
Daddy, can Miss Wiltrout eat at our house? Well, sure, I guess if Miss Wiltrout's looking for someplace to eat we'd love to have her over.
How about lunch tomorrow? Well, lunch sounds lovely.
Perfect.
It's a date then.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yes.
Hey, little sis, you know what I learned from trading places with D.
J.
? There's no one I'd rather be than me.
Except maybe Madonna, because she's really rich.
Or maybe Julia Roberts.
People say I look just like her.
STEPH: Kimmy, I'm in the closet.
I've closed the door.
Does that mean anything to you? Yeah, I should talk louder.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH.]
Hey, I like your outfit.
You should, it's yours.
STEPH: D.
J.
, you're back.
What have the Gibblers done to you? Nothing.
I'm just trying to get the total Kimmy experience.
Now, back off, squirt.
I just came back to get my skates.
You didn't tell me it was roller-derby night at your house.
It's me and your dad versus your mom and brother in the ultimate grudge match.
No holds barred, no time limit.
Watch out for my mom.
She hides an eggbeater in her pants.
Got it.
You know, Kimmy, it's kind of fun being you.
Hey, Mr.
T.
, pretty sharp sweater.
Not.
Hey, totally stony dog collar.
All right.
BECKY: Wow.
Danny, you really fit in.
That Mister Rogers sweater didn't give you away at all.
JOEY: Hey, man, I know you dudes.
Wait till you guys see the special effects I rigged.
The guys from the record company are gonna be totally stoked.
Hey, bogus sweater, dude.
Oh, thanks, man.
It's machine-washable.
- All right.
- All right.
Whoa, I gotta go start the show.
Peace, hippies.
Peace, baby.
JOEY: The Smash Club presents the world premiere of Vulture.
[HISSING.]
One, two.
One, two, three! [JESSE LAUGHING.]
Hey, get me down.
It's stuck.
Just sing.
I'll fix it.
[SINGING.]
I wanna rock He wants to rock Joey, get me down.
Joey, get him down You're dead meat.
He's dead meat JESSE: What are you doing? - Hold him for a second.
Just hold him.
Hey, I'm trying to play.
- Get me down! - Be careful, sweetheart.
- Just keep singing, they love you.
JESSE: What? Keep singing, they love you.
JESSE: Whoa! MAN: One, two, three, four! [JESSE CHUCKLING.]
BECKY: Way to go, sweetheart! DANNY: Yeah! Thank you.
Thank you.
Rock 'n' roll, everybody.
Vulture lives.
Oh, come on, Jess, talk to me.
Vulture wasn't that bad.
And the firemen were happy to get you down.
It's their job.
Thanks to you, I got rock 'n' roll's biggest wedgie.
Okay, you don't wanna fly? You could always burrow up from under the stage and be "The Gopher.
" [IMITATING GOPHER.]
The Gopher.
Oh, there's a real tough image.
Hey, ask any gardener who he fears the most.
And if you remember back to the movie Caddyshack, you know [IMITATING BILL MURRAY.]
: you kill those varmints and they always come back.
It's kind of a Cinderella story, you know so I got that going for me, which, you know, it's a plus.
This whole thing was just a big mistake.
I'll go back to being Jesse and the Rippers.
I'm gonna find some record company out there who wants me for me.
And if not, you can always make a living playing Peter Pan.
JESSE: Ah! [DOORBELL RINGING.]
- Daddy, my teacher's here.
Hurry up.
- I'm coming, Michelle.
Here.
Women love flowers.
Well, that's very sweet of you.
Wait a minute.
You look very handsome.
Well, thank you very much.
Now, be nice and don't talk about yourself.
Michelle, I do not talk about myself.
Okay, maybe I do a bit, but that's because when I was 5 I didn't really have any friends.
Daddy.
Okay, you're right.
I'll do my best.
- Well, here I am.
- Hello.
- How are you? - Good.
Hello, Michelle.
- These are for you.
- Dandelions, my favorite.
Daddy is the nicest man in the whole world.
Well, I don't know if I'm the nicest man in the whole world.
Although some people think I might be the cleanest.
In fact, in high school, I founded the F.
J.
A.
Future Janitors of America.
[CLEARING THROAT.]
Well, enough about me.
Why don't we go eat some lunch.
Ah.
This way, please.
Oh, look at that.
Michelle set the table all by herself.
Oh, it looks very pretty.
There's no candles because I can't play with matches.
Isn't he a gentleman? Yes.
He gets a gold star for good manners.
[DANNY CHUCKLING.]
And she also made lunch all by herself.
What do we have here? We have peanut butter and jelly, and milk.
Uh, sweetheart, there's only one glass of milk here.
I know.
Now you could share.
Have a nice lunch.
- Michelle, aren't you gonna eat with us? - You need to be alone.
[CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYING.]
She sure went to a lot of trouble for this.
You know, she's really doing very well in school.
You don't need to suck up like this.
Hey, we Tanners are not suck-ups.
Goody two-shoes maybe, but not suck-ups.
Well, maybe she just wants us to be very good friends.
I guess.
Bon appétit.
Are you in love yet? Oh, dear.
Here, here.
Arms up.
Arms way.
Have a sip of milk.
Mmm, good boy.
That's a good boy.
Thank you.
Michelle what did you just say? I said, are you in love yet? Michelle.
- We're just friends.
- Then you better start kissing.
Your teacher and I are not going to kiss and we're not gonna fall in love.
Now, I'll never get a new mommy.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea this was what she had in mind.
I'll talk to her.
Excuse me for a moment? - Oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
- Thanks.
Oh.
[KNOCKING.]
Come in.
- Hi, Michelle.
- Hi, Daddy.
I think we have to talk.
I think we'd better.
I'm sorry you went to so much trouble today.
I wish I had a mommy.
Well, I know you don't remember but you had a wonderful mommy.
And she loved you very, very much.
It's no fair.
All the other kids have mommies.
Well, I know it might seem like everybody else has a mommy but, honey, the truth is some people just have a mommy or they just have a daddy or a grandma, or a grandpa, or an aunt and uncle.
There's all different kinds of families.
- Really? - Yeah.
What makes a family is when you have people who take care of one another and love each other.
You have a very special family.
You have a daddy, and an Uncle Jesse and an Aunt Becky and a Joey.
I bet nobody in school has a Joey.
[LAUGHING.]
That's a pretty safe bet.
So you see, you and your sisters, you're pretty lucky.
Because you have four people who care about you and love you very, very much.
I love you very, very much.
I love you too.
Come on, let's go have lunch with your teacher, okay? Will I ever get a new mommy? - Well, I hope so.
- Have you met the school nurse? She's very hot.
Really? How hot is she? What color hair does she have? - Hot pink.
- Hot pink.