Hey Arnold! (1996) s05e02 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head.
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
And then the cow
says to the farmer.
Butter? I thought
you said "utter".
(LAUGHS)
(ARNOLD SIGHS AFFIRMATIVELY)
Lila, that's really funny.
Gosh, Arnold,
thanks ever so much.
Here you go, Helga.
Excuse me.
Huh?
I think I just offered you
an invitation
to my costume party
this weekend.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Now, move along.
Would you, sister?
Ingrate.
No. I'm serious, Lila.
You really do tell
the best stories.
Oh, Arnold.
You're too kind.
Ugh!
Well, it looks like
there's only one left.
You go ahead.
Oh, not at all, Arnold.
I'm certain
you should take it.
You sure?
Ever so sure.
Thanks, Lila.
That's really
thoughtful of you.
Wow, Lila those
are really nice bows.
Are they new?
Gosh, no, Arnold.
In fact, I'm certain
I wear them every old day.
Well, today they look
especially nice.
Thank you, Arnold.
You're ever so sweet.
Arnold, forever
under Lila's spell.
Eternally worshiping
her every stinking move.
Constantly enraptured by her,
"oh, so adorable"
sense of humor,
and her selflessness,
and her cute hair accessories.
(SIGHS) And yet,
how I wish I was born
a little miss perfect.
How I longed to be funny,
and kind, and feminine.
How I dream
that I could somehow
be more like Lila.
So that you, my Love,
might blindly
worship me instead.
Wait a minute.
That's a great idea.
If I want to get
Arnold's attention,
all I have to do is
start acting like Lila.
Oh, man. I can't believe,
I didn't think of this sooner.
Now all I got to do is
find Miss Perfect
and get her to coach me.
Teach you to be like me?
I'm sorry Helga,
but I'm certain
I just don't get why.
Oh, look, Lila,
it's real simple.
I've been thinking
a lot about myself lately
and I've decided
it's high time I turned
over a new leaf.
You know,
improve my self-image.
Try to be nicer to people.
Act more sociable.
And, well, I just figured
you'd be the perfect person
to help me out.
You did?
Oh, well, yeah, Lila.
I mean after all
you are the nicest, funniest,
most feminine girl in school.
Gosh, Helga.
I'm ever so flattered
that you feel that way.
And I'm certain,
I'd love to help you out.
HELGA: Lets start with those
funny little stories
you're always telling.
I mean, where do you get
your material?
It's incredible.
I suppose I just
draw from my own
personal experiences.
(CHUCKLES)
Man, that ought to be a snap.
Now, about the way
you're always going around,
acting so nice to people.
I mean, how could
I learn to do that?
Well, I guess you could just
begin by giving someone
an oh, so simple compliment.
Complimenting someone?
(SCOFFS)
All right. Now, how about
this whole acting
like a girly girl routine?
I could really use
a few pointers.
Well, for starters,
you could try and be
less argumentative.
You do tend to get into
oh so many fights
and confrontations.
Non-confrontational.
I like it.
All right, Lila.
Starting tomorrow,
I say you and I put operation
Self Improvement into action.
It sounds oh
too exciting Helga.
I'll see you bright and early.
See you, Lila.
(CHUCKLES MALICIOUSLY)
Lila, what a sap.
What a stooge.
What an unwitting pawn
in my master scheme.
Tomorrow, I'll put
my little plan
in to action, all right.
And I'll have Arnold
falling for me,
before I know it.
STINKY: Morning, Helga.
Morning, Miss Lila.
Have you come prepared
to spin us one of your
spirited yarns?
No, Stinky.
But I'm certain,
Helga must have
an ever so delightful story,
she'd like to share
with us all.
Remember, just stick
to true events.
True life. Got it.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So I'm sitting on the couch
the other night,
watching TV,
when Big Bob walks in
with a bag from Fong Chung's
under his arm.
Miriam is wearing something
silky night gown things,
takes one look at it and says,
"Chinese take out.
I thought you said,
we were going to make out."
(LAUGHS)
Pretty funny, huh?
Oh what? What did I say?
Gosh. That's got to be
the most unseemly
schoolyard tale
I've ever heard.
So the thing is,
I just can't decide,
whether I should go
to the party
as a prima ballerina
or a gogo dancer.
It's simply driving me mad.
This would be an
oh, too perfect time
for a compliment, Helga.
Compliment. No problem.
Well, if you ask me Rhonda,
I think you should go
with ballerina.
That way the tutu
will cover up your thighs
and your legs
won't look as fat.
Oh!
(HESITATINGLY)
What? What did I do?
That's it. She is uninvited.
Ew! Look it's
Helga Pataki
and her big hairy
caterpillar eyebrows.
Helga,
I am ever so certain
that this would be
a good opportunity to practice
being non-confrontational.
Non-confrontational.
Right.
You're so ugly Helga,
you better not sit
anywhere near me
or I might lose my appetite.
(LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY)
Um, Helga are you oh
so certain, you want
to turn over a new leaf.
Harold,
are you all right?
Arnold!
I mean, of course
I want to turn over
a new leaf, Lila.
I just have not being
trying enough
that's all.
Starting right now,
I am going to spend
every waking minute with you.
Until I get it right.
But all right, Helga.
If you're oh so certain,
that's the best thing to do.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING OPERA)
(SINGING OPERA)
And Miriam says to Blob.
"New beeper, I thought
you said zoo keeper."
(ALL LAUGHING)
I just can't decide.
Whether to serve
triangular shaped
finger sandwiches
or square ones.
Its simply driving me mad.
Well if you ask me,
Rhonda, I think
you should go with both.
That way you won't have
to stifle your oh so
wonderful sense of creativity.
(BELL RINGING)
Oh. I'll see you tonight.
Oh, look,
it's Helga Pataki
and her big dumb
billy goat ears.
You better not sit
anywhere near me
or I might get barf
all over the place.
Oh, Harold, it's just
ever so charming
the way you feel
so comfortable
kidding around with me.
Gosh, Helga,
the progress you've made
is ever so impressive.
Gosh, Lila,
thanks ever so much.
HELGA: Oh my beloved,
my most
difficult transformation
is almost complete.
Tonight at Rhonda's party,
I'll finally show you
face to face,
just how funny and nice
and Lila-like I can be.
And then Arnold,
then you'll at last be mine.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(LAUGHS INSIDIOUSLY)
Ouch!
Helga?
Do you like it.
It's to thank you ever
so much for helping me.
Gosh, Helga, I'm certain,
I just love it.
I'm oh so happy
you feel that way, Lila.
And now I'm certain,
I ought to be getting
myself some punch.
Okay, Helga,
I'll see you later.
Hey, Lila.
Hello, Arnold.
Helga! Wow.
Great costume.
Why thank you, Arnold.
And may I say
that your costume
is ever so enchanting as well.
Thanks, Helga.
You're ever so welcome.
Well, I guess
I guess I'd better
go mingle.
Uh. No, Arnold, wait.
I mean, I'm certain,
I have an ever so
amusing joke,
I'd like to tell you
before you go.
Sure, Helga.
Whatever do you call a cow
that is laying
on a barn floor?
I don't know. What?
Ground beef.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, that's
pretty funny.
Gosh, Arnold,
Thanks ever so much.
Would you like to try
one of Rhonda's oh so adorable
finger sandwiches?
Um, Helga, it looks like
there's only one left.
Oh. Well, gosh.
Well, you go ahead.
Oh, not at all, Arnold.
I'm certain
you should take it.
You're sure?
Ever so sure.
Thanks, Helga.
That's really
thoughtful of you.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(BELL DINGS)
Oh, Arnold,
I'm ever so certain,
I can't see a thing.
Just trust me.
You'll be fine
Arnold,
Can I talk to you
for a sec, buddy.
Sure. Don't worry,
I'll be right back.
Certainly.
What are you doing?
Playing pin the tail
on the monkey.
I mean, what are you doing
spending all your time
with Helga Pataki?
I guess
I'm just having a good time
hanging out with her.
Arnold, wake up
and smell the coffee.
The reason you're
hanging out with Helga
is because
she's walking around,
looking and acting like Lila.
Oh, come on, Gerald.
This has nothing to do
with Lila.
Now, I got to get back
to the game.
Whatever you say, Arnold.
So, where were we?
You were
just about to spin me
around Arnold.
ARNOLD: Right, Lila.
What did you call me?
I don't know.
What did I call you?
I'm sure
you just call me Lila.
No, I don't think so.
I'm ever so certain
you did, Arnold.
Well, I'm sorry. I mean,
it's an easy mistake to make.
You know,
considering the costume.
Right. Arnold,
will you excuse me
a moment?
Oh, who am I kidding?
This whole thing
is completely ridiculous.
I mean, so what if Arnold
is finally spending
time with me,
and listening
to my stupid jokes,
and offering to share
his finger sandwiches?
He isn't doing it
because of me.
He's doing it
because I remind him of Lila.
(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
That's it.
I am sick of being
Miss Phony-Perfect anyway.
I'm going back to the party
and I'm going as myself.
No matter what happens.
Helga what happened
to your costume.?
I took it off, Arnold.
I was feeling
uncomfortable.
Oh.
So, still up for a round
of pin the tail
on the monkey?
Actually, it's getting
kind of cold out here.
I think I'm going to go in.
Okay. I guess
I'll just see you
when I see you, Arnold.
Yeah.
Oh, well. I guess
it just wasn't
meant to be.
Arnold's never
going to like me, like me,
and that's just the way
it is.
It was stupid of me
to ever think
I could change that.
(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
Hi, Arnold.
Wherever have you been?
I mean, I'm ever so certain,
I haven't seen you
at all tonight.
I've been
hanging out with Helga.
Helga. Well, gee,
that sounds nice.
Yeah. It was nice.
I mean, sometimes,
Helga can be really mean.
But then other times,
like tonight
she can be pretty okay.
When she is,
then I actually
kind of like her.
Anyway, you want to go
and get some punch, Lila?
I'd love to.
Okay, so he doesn't
like me like me.
But he does like me.
Then that means
I'm half-way there.
Oh!
(DOG BARKING)
It's your grandma's
veal chops, Arnold.
Thanks, Mr. Green.
(CAR SCREECHING)
Grandpa,
are you all right?
I'm fine but my darn car
is in a gigantic hole.
Third time this month
the package ended up in there.
That good for nothing
Councilman Gladhand.
I complained to his office
again just yesterday.
But nothing.
But did you talk to him
in person?
Nah, those politicians
are always at lunch.
Well, it's 4:30,
I'll give it a try.
He's at lunch,
a late lunch.
Boy, oh, boy, that just really
puts the gravy on the whole
lousy brisket, doesn't it?
Maybe it'd be better
if we went down to
his office and talked to him.
That's an idea.
I'm going down there
right now.
Come on, Arnold.
Good luck at City Hall.
Give 'em heck, boys.
(LAUGHS)
Who's going to help me
get my car out of
this hole.
I'm sorry but
councilman Gladhand is still
in his working lunch.
But it's almost
dinner time.
He's in a very important
committee meeting.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
GLADHAND: Oh well, well.
That was a very
productive lunch.
Always happy to help out
a major campaign contributor
like you, Mike.
(LAUGHS)
Uh, Mr. Councilman, sir,
you have some visitors.
Why, this is wonderful,
a concerned young citizen
and a local tradesman.
It's a perfect
photo-op, Lorraine.
We didn't really come here
to take pictures, Councilman.
My name is Marty Green.
I got a butcher shop
on Vine Street.
This is Arnold.
My pleasure
Sure. Nice to meet you.
Now, we came here to complain
about a giant pothole
on our street.
My grandpa's Packard
is stuck in it.
Packard, fine old
American cars.
Yeah, it's a great car.
But about the
pothole problem
Mr. Green,
I promise you that
in no uncertain terms,
my comprehensive problem
solving committee will look
into this pothole quandary
in the most expedient
time frame possible
and make a comprehensive
recommendation for the
quickest possible solution.
Now, I'm off
to a most important meeting.
Upcoming elections.
Three weeks. Vote Gladhand.
Uh, we'll see what happens.
Hey, looks like
Councilman Gladhand is doing
what he said he would.
A board!
A lousy plywood board.
That's his solution.
Uh, yeah, the order
came in right from
Councilman Gladhand himself.
It's a pretty good board,
you know.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
Councilman said
to stick a board there
and the job's done.
Well, it's a little bit
of progress. I guess.
(CAR SCREECHING)
Dang nabbit! Again?
(ALL GASPING)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
(CAR HONKING)
Hey, the lights
just went out.
Transformer is dead.
Thank you Councilman Gladhand.
(GRANDPA GRUNTS)
(BANGING)
Hey, folks, here I am again,
crawling out of
this big stupid hole
that I drove my car into.
We all have
the same complaints.
And Gladhand
just promises things
but doesn't deliver.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
If Gladhand would have
just fixed that pothole,
the old man wouldn't have
driven his car into it.
Yeah!
Wait a minute.
Who are you calling old man?
I know I'm just a butcher,
but this whole situation
is turning into a rotten
stinking piece of beef.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
I know and love
the neighborhood much better
than Gladhand does.
He should fill up
these potholes.
Mr. Green for Councilman.
Yeah!
Wait, I'm just a butcher.
You can do it Mr. Green.
ALL: (CHANTING) Mr. Green.
Okay, I'll do it.
I'll run for Councilman.
Hooray!
Will you help me, Arnold?
Sure, Mr. Green.
So, wrapping up.
We have to
work together.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
So, Mr. Marty Green,
you think you can beat me
in the elections.
Well, sir,
I'm going to try.
And are you going to help
the butcher, little boy?
Arnold is my
campaign manager.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Do you have
any experience, Arnold?
I helped my best friend Gerald
get elected as the president
of the fourth grade.
Impressive. Well,
Mr. Green and Campaign
Manager, Arnold,
I challenge you to a debate
in front of our friends
and neighbors.
So how's next Monday night?
I'll be happy
to debate you,
Councilman.
Uh-uh. The Councilman
is way ahead of me
in the polls, Arnold.
Don't worry, Mr. Green.
The polls can change.
When you're up
on the stage
tomorrow night,
just say exactly
how you feel
about things.
You know, be yourself.
GLADHAND: This election
constitutes a battle
of attitudes,
dispositions and perspective.
There he goes again
with all his fancy words.
Vote Gladhand.
You'll be glad you did.
I can't just be myself
up there in that debate,
Arnold.
He'll eat me alive.
I got to come up
with some fancy words.
I got to out Gladhand,
Gladhand.
I really don't think
that's the best way to do it.
Arnold, I appreciate
your concern
but I'm about to lose
this election.
So I got to do
what I think is best.
I got to get out of here.
(CHEERING)
The next question
in the debate is,
how would you describe
the current condition
of our neighborhood?
Councilman Gladhand.
The current
livability environment
is such in our
specified district
that the inhabitants
thereof enjoy a status quo
that is unwavering
in its comfort
and fruition level.
I say don't go green,
go red, white and blue.
Vote Gladhand.
(CHUCKLES)
You'll be glad you did.
Mr. Green,
same question.
As a member of the,
um, citizenry, of the, uh,
this area, I think, um,
as a lifelong resident
we have to state,
no, explain, um,
in a loud cacophony
(STUTTERING)
What's he doing?
He's not saying anything.
(MARTY CONTINUES INCOHERENTLY)
(AUDIENCE JEERING)
What are you
doing out there?
I took a chance
using those big words
'cause that's what I thought
the people wanted to hear.
Instead, I bored them
all to tears.
And I hate wearing
this three-piece-suit.
I'm not fooling anyone.
No one out there
wants to be fooled.
They want to hear you
just be yourself and talk
about what you know.
And what do I know?
I'm a butcher.
You know a lot of stuff.
You work hard
and you run a business.
Being a councilman
is like running a business.
This may sound crazy
but imagine if
the neighborhood
was like a big butcher shop.
Big butcher shop, hmm?
I could talk
just like myself,
like a butcher.
I like it, Arnold.
I'm a butcher
who's mad as heck
about potholes
and knows about pot roast.
That's good.
Ladies and gentlemen.
We're ready to start
the second half
of the debate.
I, I better get
out there, Arnold.
Good luck.
Thanks, kid.
And thanks for the advice.
You're a good egg.
Um, let me ask you something.
Why you spending
so much time
trying to get me elected?
Because I love
this neighborhood
as much as you do, Mr. Green.
Now I realize
I was trying to use
big fancy words before
but they didn't
really mean anything.
I'm your butcher,
but I also want to be
your councilman.
If you elect me
I will listen to everyone
just like I pay
special attention
to each piece of poultry
when I pluck it,
marinate it, and cook it.
(ALL CHEERING)
MODERATOR:
Councilman Gladhand,
how will you deal with the
persistent pothole problems
in the neighborhood?
(STUTTERING)
The betterment
of our neighborhood
depends on a, a consolidated
joint effort by
all peoples involved.
What are you talking about?
(CROWD JEERING)
(STUTTERING)
Mr. Green, same question.
Our neighborhood
is like a prime cut of meat.
It's special.
You can't just throw
a prime cut on a grill
and forget about it.
And you can't just forget
about the problems
of our neighborhood.
If elected I'll make sure that
all the potholes are filled.
I care about my neighborhood.
It's a prime cut of a place.
CROWD: (CHEERING AND CHANTING)
Mr. Green! Mr. Green!
He's just a butcher.
He's talking about meat.
(CROWD CHEERING)
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Mr. Green! Mr. Green!
MARTY:
Let's not overcook
the important issues.
I don't sell hamburger
and call it filet mignon
and as your councilman
I won't draw a board over
a pothole and called it fixed.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Thank you.
Hey, Arnold.
I respect the fine work
that you did as Mr. Green's
campaign manager,
and so I thought
that I would propose
that we make a pact.
A pact?
I want Mr. Green
to quit the race.
If he does I'll fix
the pothole in front
of his shop tonight,
and I'll throw
a big catered party
for your whole block.
And what about
the other potholes?
What about
the rest of the neighborhood?
I'll form a committee
to study the issue
ex-post facto.
Look, Mr. Green's
not going to quit.
He's a good honest guy
who wants a fair election.
I have to go.
Good luck.
Arnold.
Just try to get
Green to quit, please.
Do you like balloons?
Oh, I've got balloons.
Please, kid?
Please!
(PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
(VOICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PHONE)
Really? Oh, thanks.
Oh, no, I don't like
the sound of that.
You've lost. Almighty!
Actually, everybody,
I won!
(ALL CHEERING)
I want to thank you all
for supporting me.
And I especially
want to thank Arnold
who helped me from day one
and is a really good friend,
and a good guy.
ALL: (CHEERING)
Arnold! Arnold!
Congratulations,
Councilman Green.
Hey, used a new marinade
on this shish kebab.
Want to try it?
Yeah, I would,
Councilman, but I don't
trust politicians
(LAUGHS)
Grandpa
I lost.
Lorraine. Lorraine!
(GLADHAND SOBBING)
Lorraine.
Whoa!