iCarly s05e02 Episode Script

Hiiiiii! I made a lawn! Whoa.
That is a lawn! See, this is why I don't like to leave the house.
- What do we do with it? - Whatever we wanna do.
The possibilities are limitless.
We can play on it, we can sit on it and listen to music.
We can have a barbecue on it.
- We can play badminton! - You play badminton? Heck yeah! Got my own racket and shuttlecock! Sweet.
Ooo, and at night, we can just lay on the grass and just stare up at the stars.
- Yeahhhh.
- Okaaaaay.
Man, wait 'til Sam and Freddie see this.
I bet they love lawns.
- Where are they? - Prolly makin' out.
- Why "eww?" I don't like couples that are all public with the Oh c'mon.
Sam and Freddie have spent years practically hating each other.
I think it's kindaice to see 'em being all No, it's more like Look at this lawn.
This is one sweet patch.
Y'know that's Kentucky chub grass.
Seriously? - Unbelievable.
- You don't live here.
Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you! - Fine.
Talk.
- Okay.
It's not that I don't appreciate what you were trying You walked away again! - Look at my lawn.
- Sam - What are you guys fighting about? - Nothin'.
Mister Fracks gave me a B on my world history paper, and I was mad 'cuz I thought I deserved an A.
That's right.
You told me you were mad at Fracks.
That didn't mean I wanted revenge.
If he's gonna give you B's, why shouldn't I give him B's? - Wait, what'd you do? - I filled his car with bees.
I don't need you to fight my battles for me! C'mon, baby, you wrote a good paper.
I know, but you can't just go around All right, listen.
Sam, Freddie should be able to complain about people to you without worrying that you're gonna put them in a hospital.
I guess.
And, Freddie, even though it's a little extreme to violate a man with bees, you should at least appreciate that Sam did it 'cuz she cares about you.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm sorry.
- Give mama some sugah.
- Okay.
In five, four, three, two I know, you see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one and the time to see the brighter side of every situation some things are meant to be so give me your best and leave the rest to me leave it all to me just leave it all to me - Gibby? - Yep? Whatchoo doin' here? Aren't we rehearsing for iCarly? No, not today.
Well, I heard Freddie on the phone tell his mom that we were rehearsing here after school.
He's somewhere with Sam.
But why would he tell 'cuz Freddie doesn't want his mom to know that he and Sam are dating.
- Why not? - 'Cuz she'd murder him.
Right.
Murder's so not cool.
Anyway - What? - What? - You were gonna say something? - Yeah.
But I couldn't think of anything.
- Okay.
I wanna know - Whatchoo wanna know? - When you first started to like me.
- Okay.
Remember the time I pushed you in front of that bike messenger, and he knocked you down, and your head hit that fire hydrant? Yes.
Well, afterwards, when you were layin' there, moaning, blood comin' out your ear Yeah? I don't know, you looked kinda cute.
Then it was worth the hearing loss.
- Well, yeah.
- Yeah.
Aa-aah! Don't you kids drink those little medium-size smoothies.
- T-Bo.
- What are you doin'? You two are a couple now.
So you get the love smoothie.
And it's free.
- Wow.
- Thanks, Teebs.
- All right.
- That's thirty-six dollars.
What?! You said it was on the house.
Oh, the smoothie's free.
But that's a thirty-six dollar cup.
- Pay the man.
- No! What cup is worth thirty-six bucks?! That's jamaican plastic! - Forget it.
- I can't believe you're bein' so cheap.
I can't believe you're being so pushy.
I can't believe I still don't have my thirty-six dollars.
This is not how boyfriends behave.
- Yes, it is! - Okay.
- Let's go ask Carly what she thinks.
- Let's do it.
Wait.
Wait! What about my thirty-six dollars? Spencer! Spencer! Spencer! Spencer!!! Oh, hey, Carls! Why?! - I was mowin' the lawn.
- It's not a lawn! Then what is it? It's a - Go get the door.
- Why me? Because I need to go get more gas for my mowing machine.
Carly? I'm comin' in and I got a friend.
- Aw.
A puppy? - Yeah! Isn't he cute? Yeah.
He's really cute.
Ya hear that, little guy? Mommy loves you.
Uh, why'd you call me his mommy? Well, y'know, Sam and Freddie are always hangin' out together now Yeah.
And that means you and I are gonna have more time, just the two of us.
Yeah? So I figure sharing a dog will give us somethin' to talk about.
Noooo.
I named him sir licks-a-lot.
That's really cute, but he's your dog, okay? So don't go thinking that I'm gonna have to take Sir does lick a lot.
Good, Carly's here.
Let's ask her.
- After I get some ham.
- What's going on? Some things are more important than ham.
Don't you ever say that to me.
You guys are fighting again? Yeah, and we need your help.
Why do I always have to be the one 'Cuz you're fair and balanced.
Oh.
Okay.
What's the problem? T-Bo gave us a gigantic smoothie, then tried to make me pay thirty-six bucks for it! And I say a gentleman should happily treat his chick to a smoothie no matter how enormous.
For thirty-six bucks I could buy you a whole ham! I'm waiting.
Sam, I'm not buying you a ham.
- Oh, so, oh, you just said - I'm saying that I could buy you a ham.
- Guys, come on.
- So you could buy me a ham.
- Yes.
- But that means you're going to No.
It didn't.
I said it with a C, not a W.
Hey, c'mon! Not in front of our baby.
He's not our baby! You guys What? If a guy really likes a girl and they're dating, I think it's nice for the guy to give the girl an enormous smoothie now and then.
Boom.
But nice girls don't demand things from guys they're dating.
Boom! Boom.
To be a little more polite and patient.
And maybe you need to be a little less stingy with your boy-wallet.
I think that's fair.
Diddy-o.
- Let's go get you that ham.
- Awwww baby.
Ahhhhh.
Oh my God! What happened to you?! Do you guys realize how flammable gasoline is?!?! It's really flammable!!! - Carly! Carly! - Carly.
Hey! - Carly.
Wake up, Carly! - Come on, let's go.
- Carly, come on.
- Come on, wakey-wakey.
What are you guys doing here?! - What's on your face? - What? Nothing.
What mask? The one that you just had on your face.
It keeps me from snoring.
Ya happy? What are you guys doing here at almost 3:00 in the morning?! We were video chatting online And Sam said that her mom is a bigger freak than my mom.
She is! When I was a baby, my mom put a chip in my brain so she could locate me anywhere on Earth! When I was a baby, my mom made me drink bottles full of black coffee! Why? She said it made me dance funny! Both your moms are - Did it? - Yes.
Both your moms are freaks! Okay? Both of 'em.
- Well, mine's freakier! - Mine is! Are you kidding me? How can you possibly say that your mom's freakier? - There is no way.
I've met your mom.
- Sure, your mom's got kind of a little weird side going on, but my mom is insane.
Carly has lived next to my mom for years.
You don't see my mom? Carly, tell her! Tell her! She walks around in her bathing suit all the time.
Have you seen all of her freaky things? Hey hey hey I brought you some Whatcha doin'? Spray painting this butt blue.
- Any reason? - It's for a bit we're doing on iCarly tonight.
- A blue butt bit? - Yes, the blue butt bit.
I brought you some corn juice.
See, I was just hangin' on my lawn, shuckin' some corn, and I thought to myself, "how come no one's ever thought to juice corn?" So I grabbed a juicer Maybe nobody's ever thought to juice corn because most people have brains that function normally.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No.
Here, gimme the cup.
Come here.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Come here.
Come here.
No.
I know.
You didn't do anything wrong.
It's just Sam and Freddie have been bugging me like 10 times a day to referee every little argument they have, and I'm just I'm under a lotta stress.
Okay.
If Sam and Freddie are getting on your nerves, why do you keep helping 'em? 'Cuz they're my friends.
And they're in this new relationship, and I want them to be happy.
- Corn juice is awful! - Isn't it?! Gib-behhh! - Hey, Gibby.
You wanna help me paint - Shut up a sec.
What? After the show, you gotta take the puppy to the vet.
I think he's got an anxious bladder.
- Why me? - He's your dog too! No, he's not! I never wanted a dog! I'm sorry.
Come here.
Oh my God.
I'm a monster.
Shhh.
You want some corn juice? Yes, please.
Heyyyyy, nice butt, Carls.
Thank you.
Hey, how great does Sam's hair look? - He brushed it for me.
- With one a'these.
Hey, you're havin' dinner with us tomorrow night.
- I am? - Yeah.
Sam and I love Italian food, so we made a reservation at Pint's.
I love Pint's! Gibbys are not invited.
Then no corn juice for you.
Don't you guys wanna go to dinner by yourselves, ya know, like, just the two of you? Nah.
Every time we're alone for more than an hour, we fight about somethin'.
So we want you to come with us 'cuz you always come up with smart ways for us to compromise.
And anyway, have you ever had the lasagna at Pint's? No.
It's good? Good? Uh, it is so good that when I die, please buy me naked in a bathtub fulla pint's lasagna.
So you'll come to dinner with us? I guess, but I think it'd be better Ten seconds to iCarly.
Game faces.
In five, four, three, two - I'm a girl named Carly.
- And I'm a girl named Sam.
And if you don't believe we're girls Just listen to us giggle.
Okay, first up on iCarly We're gonna show you how to make adult diapers out of old newspapers.
I recommend the Boston grove! I thought we were doin' the blue butt bit first.
No, we decided to do the adult diaper bit first.
- You never think I'm right.
- You never respect my opinion.
That's insane! Yesterday, I asked your opinion about Am I your girlfriend or not? Carly? While I take a moment to settle this argument, please enjoy this pre-recorded emergency video of Spencer flirting with a watermelon.
Yeah, you are.
Yeah, you're pretty.
Yeah, you're a pretty little melon.
Yes, you are.
What? Nooo, I don't think vertical green stripes make you look fat.
Ayyyy, there's my li'l sis.
You want some chicken? It's moist.
Nah, thanks.
I'm going on a dinner date with Sam and Freddie.
Um, hi.
Hey.
Who's your friend? I dunno.
I met her at the hardware store, and she loves chicken.
Super.
- Carly? Woof woof.
- Come on in, Gib.
What's up? We had a playdate for sir licks-a-lot in the park at 4 P.
M.
And you didn't show up.
I told you I'm not interested in raising a puppy with you.
I'm starting to feel like you're not committed to this whole puppy thing.
I'm not.
Then maybe I should just raise him without you.
I completely support that.
- I'm not gonna argue about this.
- Thank you.
On three? - One - Two Three.
Ohhhhhhhhh.
Carly, how amazing is this lasagna? It's very good lasagna.
Why can't I sit with you guys? 'Cuz me and Freddie are on a date.
- Parmesan cheese? - Sure.
So I'm just supposed to sit here and wait for you guys to have a fight so I can settle it? - Pretty much.
- We'd really appreciate that.
- I'm Paul.
I'm a DJ.
- See ya, Paul.
Wow, that's a lotta parmesan.
What are you, the cheese keeper? No, I'm just saying the lasagna here is amazing, so I don't think you need to shovel nine pounds of parmesan cheese Oh, it's okay, Freddie.
You don't have to pay for the parmesan.
It's not about the money.
Then why don't you stop criticizing me for every single thing Why is it whenever I make a suggestion Carly? Freddie, it's not nice to judge other people's cheese habits.
Sam, that's an insane amount of cheese.
It embarrasses me.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- You ever been sailing? - Go away! Mmm.
Oh, what do they put in this lasagna to make it so incredible? Uh, look, I don't wanna start an argument But you might wanna finish chewing, y'know, before you talk.
What is this, pick on Puckett night? - I said I don't wanna start an argument.
- Well, ya done it.
Carly, is it wrong to tell a person that it's not polite to talk with a mouth full of lasagna? Is it wrong for a person to constantly pick on every little thing I do?! Yes! And yes! You both should be furious with each other! Furious! I wouldn't say I'm furious, - I was - Well you should be furious! What guy wants to go on a date and watch a girl go Ohhhh I'm Sam Puckett Bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah! And how can you sit there and listen to that whiny nub go, myehhhh you're using "too much parmesan Myeeeeh Don't chew with your mouth open Myeeeeh! Seriously, why don't you two just pick up your forks and use 'em to jab each other in the eyes?! Okay.
What are you doing? You're supposed to be helping us solve our problems.
No.
You two should be solving your own problems! Not expecting me to be your twenty-four-seven couples counselor! - I'm also a photographer.
- This close to callin' the cops! You think I wanna sit here at a table by myself having to fix every stupid little problem you guys have?! I could be at home right now eating moist chicken with Spencer and some icky chick from a hardware store! If you guys can't learn to work things out on your own, then you shouldn't be dating at all.
I deserve this lasagna.
This is nice.
Yeeeaaahhh.
And it's a lot more fun hangin' here with you than that dumb girl from the hardware store.
Thanks.
I'm sorry she stole your wallet.
Yeah.
It's okay.
There was only four dollars in it.
Those stars you put on the ceiling look so cool.
Good.
It wasn't easy gettin' 'em up there.
- What about that moon? - Even harder.
That thing weighs like sixty pounds.
Wow.
Yeah, I had to use a buncha big, long screws, **.