Ideal (2005) s05e02 Episode Script

'This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
' Hi.
Moz, Dinos.
Dinos, Moz.
Nice to meet you.
Likewise.
Aw, isn't he scrummy? Yeah.
Yer make, era lovely couple.
Yeah, I think he might be the one.
And this is? I'm int' kitchen.
Moz.
Jake.
I'm not staying.
I see.
Still not dealin' weed? Still not dealin' weed.
Sugar?No, ta.
I'm on a diet.
Sugar, Dinos? No, thanks, it makes me hyper.
Jake? Sugar? Four, please.
Four teaspoons of white death comin' up.
Did you know, just one teaspoon of sugar contains enough calories to kill a squirrel? Well, summat like that.
What d'you do fer a livin', Dinos? I'm a joiner.
Right.
What about you, Jake, are you a A joiner?No.
No.
So how's Jenny? She persevering with her coma? She's holdin' steady, thanks for askin'.
Oh, well, it could be worse.
It is worse! Me dad's just moved in across the landing.
Oh, there's nowt worse than a relative you can't shake off.
And d'you want me to tell you the best part? Go on.
I love tittle tattle.
He's shacked up with a blind lass.
She's 33, he's 68.
He's told her he's 38.
It's like punk never happened.
Like his style.
Yer can tell me an' me dad aren't related.
He is 100% non-bio.
We couldn't be more different.
Do you want a hand, love? So I suppose with yer bird in a coma, yer biggest challenge is gonna be resistin' the temptation machine.
What you on about? You know, it'll be nigh on impossible stayin' faithful to someone who is now, to all intents and purposes, a blonde cushion.
What would you know about it? Your idea of long-term relationship is leavin' a club wit' same bloke you arrived with.
Me an' Jenny 'ave got summat special, Brian.
It's called true love.
And that means stayin' faithful is a privilege, not a chore.
Don't you feel stuck with her?No! Right, I'm off.
I won't come with yer.
You know what they say - four's a crowd.
He's gonna have to go.
I can't go.
Nicki.
Thought I'd jus' pop in.
Is now the right time? Well, you know me.
I don't think in terms of right times or wrong times.
I think in terms of iffy times.
You're not gonna mention my hair, then?It's a deal.
Baby Sanjeev not wi' yer? Amanda with the weird eyes has taken him to the inflatable room.
What better start can a boy have? Good God.
MUSIC: "Happy" by Client Why don't you show it? Why don't you know it? Are you happy now? You never knew it, you just carry on and do it, are you happy now? Why don't you show it? Why don't you know it? Are you happy now? You never knew it, you just carry on and do it, are you happy now? I'm happy She's happy So why the fuck are you not happy? I'm happy He's happy So why the fuck are you not happy? Why don't you show it? Why don't you know it? It's so awful to see her like this.
How do you cope? Skunk weed and Asda lager both play an important part.
But on the upside, she doesn't nag, or leave wet towels on the bed or put CDs in the wrong cases.
Let's get some air in here.
Smells like a bong graveyard.
I knew you wouldn't stop dealin'.
Is that right, Miss Marple? As a matter of fact, I've gone nearly a week now without dealin' so much as a 16th.
Really?I've had the occasional craving to deal, but nowt I can't handle.
I'm impressed.
I suppose it shows what the love of a good woman can do, eh? A good, unconscious woman.
Bye, Jen! Get well soon.
I've tried the Sleeping Beauty cure.
Yer only supposed to kiss her, you know.
I just wanted to checkyou were looking after her.
I had visions of her wastingaway in her own filth.
She's bin' back from hospital three days.
Exactly.
Hey, I'm gonna be there for Jenny.
A coma's a marathon, not a sprint.
You gonna stayfaithful to her? Yes! Why does everybody seem to think that's gonna be a problem? You have a history of cheating on CONSCIOUS women, so I don't think an unconscious one is gonna put you off your stride.
Says the woman who had an affair with my best mate.
Listen, I know I wasn't here for you when I was living here, but now I'm not here, I am here for you.
OK? Yeah.
See ya.
All right?Hiya.
Where's Leon?Daft bugger fell off his ladder outside Cod Amongst Men.
I'm his sister, filling in for him.
I am so hot.
Make sure you get into the corners.
Hi, Moz.
How are you? Erm, I'm, I'm good yeah.
Hiya! You don't remember me, do you? Yeah, 'course I do.
Really? OK, who am I, then? Well, I don't remember your exact name or Or where we met? Not specifically.
Or when? So what is it that you do remember? I remember yourvibe.
You've got a very memorable vibe.
Oh, OK.
Great.
I was here the other month for Nicki's mother and toddler group, remember? Yeah, yeah.
It's erm Samantha? Susannah? Susan? Sandra? Sandy? Sukie?Helena.
That was gonna be me next guess.
Can I buy an 8th off you?Sorry.
I'm not dealin' any more, Helen.
Helena.
I've gone cold turkey.
Not even weenin' meself off by dealin' in Pokemon cards.
Oh, well, probably just as well.
I've only got a tenner.
I don't know how I would have paid for the rest.
With a kiss or something.
You would have thrown me out on my arse.
That's what I would have done.
On yer arse.
I'll see you around then, Moz.
Yep.
Fuck you! It's my ex.
Rainbow is everything all right? I'm not 'avin' a heart attack I don't know about, am I? I've come about some weed! I've stopped dealin'.
I'm goin' straight.
Workin' for a brighter tomorrow via a rather dismal today.
Somebody bought me this bag of skunk for my birthday and I don't know anybody else who smokes.
Will you get stoned with me? For the greater good.
Here come greetings from the fires of dusk From all the places you never dared to walk You never saw the silent battle zones Beneath your towers and beyond your gardens Was born a walker HE CHUCKLES That is so true.
But in the end, I just wanted to cut his scrotum off with me nail scissors then forcehim to eat his own ballsslowly.
Well, yeahI suppose.
Especially if he was, as you say, always late.
Remember that time they had that spring fete at Brownhill? No? You do.
About seven years back.
It were a really hot day.
You went mental.
Wi' them pinking shears! You do! They had a right good second-hand book stall.
Bloke from Bolton sold me a biography of Noel Edmonds for 50p.
You had one of his ears off! Fissst.
Did I tell yer I bought the allotment next to my allotment? Yeah, you did, yeah, ten minutes ago.
I'm gonna knock two allotments into one allotment.
Two allotment bigger than one allotment.
That's a lot of allotment.
Now we have space, space, space.
Yeah.
Plantin' rhubarb, spinach, marrow, squash, celery, cauliflowerthe list goes on.
Yeah, I bet it does.
I'll just pop to the lavvy.
Think I might have eaten an unripe celeriac.
Happens to us all.
Are you all right? Today you are making me wet, Moz.
What?I want your lips on my neck and your fingers inside me, Moz.
SHE MOANS Today you are looking shocked, Moz.
Where is it you're off, Keith?Me and Dodgy Darren are going to Great Harwood to buy some stolen pigs.
As long as you enjoy yourself.
But listen, don't open the door to any strangers.
You're easily taken advantage of, Carol.
You nearly gave your purse to that chav who bluffed his way in here.
I thought he was from the gas board.
He climbed in through the window.
He said he'd sniffed a gas leak in the street and followed it up the drainpipe.
Never open the door to anyone unless they've got ID.
Never.
OK? OK.
And if you do let folk in, promise me you'll always have a lethal weapon in your hand.
Even with Jehovah's Witnesses? Especially with Jehovah's Witnesses.
I promise.
Aw.
Thanks for caring, Keith.
It's so nice to have a lovely, big, honest man looking after me.
I just don't want anybody else takin' advantage of you.
Thanks for collecting the post.
No, yer all right.
I don't know if there's much of any interest there.
I miss living here.
Sorry.
How's your pregnancy going? Getting a lot of morning sickness.
Especially at night.
And my breasts have got bigger.
Sorry.
I hadn't noticed.
Yer wanna get some coal down ya.
I remember when Nicki were pregnant, she loved coal.
I couldn't shovel it into her quick enough.
Judith, do you mind us asking Are you happy? Living as a gangster's moll? Yes.
No.
Sorry.
No.
You let Cartoon Head walk all over you.
Did he tell you about that? It was just one time.
When I first met you, you were a happy-go-lucky undertaker.
I was a recovering necrophiliac.
Well, yes.
Mind you, I sometimes feel like I'm going out with a corpse.
She's still as sweet and beautiful as ever, but she just lies there.
Completely silent, unblinking, motionless Sounds Unbelievable.
Back in a sec.
Unripe celeriac.
I'd like to plait you.
You are perfect What yer doin'? Just kissing her goodbye.
Sorry.
Not stayin' for tea? Jenny's having new potato and purple sprouting broccoli.
Organic and natural, just the way nature intended.
Through a tube.
I have to go and cook for Cartoon Head.
We're having Crunchy Seaweed Pig.
Should help with the morning sickness.
I think I might prefer Jenny's leftovers.
Hey, Moz, guess what? You're on probation? No.
Well, yeah.
Me probation's at a really good stage, actually.
But, the big secret is We're getting married.
I can't.
I'm spoken for.
No, stupid.
We're having a quiet ceremony on Friday.
At the Town Hall.
Just off to choose the ring.
Congratulations, love.
Gracias! You jammy bastard.
Ta.
You thought about tying the knot with Jenny? What am I gonna do? Push her down the aisle in a wheel barrow? I really love Jenny and I wanna look after her, but .
.
I'm not sure if I can stay faithful.
I can't live thinking I will never again do sex.
It's on me mind all the time.
I can't think straight.
Have you considered masturbation? What an intriguing concept(!) Perhaps you could give me a leaflet to help me make up my mind.
For your information, I have enjoyed many adventures with the Famous Five.
But it's justnot the same as proper human interaction.
One man, one woman, one blurred vision.
Carmel could sort you out.
Before the marriage?No! Sort you out with one of her mates.
Sure.
I know all kinds of great escort girls.
Escort girls? You should go with Kristina.
Kristina's a very natural girl.
The best pre-op I know.
I don't want a pre-op! If I'm paying I want all natural ingredients.
What about Jade? Jade is stunning.
Absolute ringer for Liv Tyler.
Dwarf.
A dwarf? Colin, I just need a shag, that's all.
Not some sexual journey to Middle Earth!She's half price.
I could set you up with Monique.
She offers the GFE.
The Big Friendly Giant? No.
The GFE - Girlfriend Experience.
It's nice, it's not sleazy.
ã300 for the whole evening.
She comes round to see you.
You can chat to her, hold hands with her, get to know her.
Then shag her brains out.
Monique is perfect for you.
She's tender, passionate, genuine.
All the reviews on her website say that.
Or, there's Big Jasmine? 30 quid gets you a snog, a pillow sandwich and a happy-ish finish.
It's not like you're having an affair.
It's just a business deal.
Forget it.
There are three things I don't pay for.
Air, sex and The Big Issue.
So thanks for yer concerns, but I do have some scruples, you know.
Here is a photo of Monique.
Have you got Bluetooth? Soz, Jenny.
I know you're oblivious anyway.
But at least this way you can be oblivious in private.
You're the one for me.
You know that.
I love you truly, deeply, mentally.
You are without doubt, my soul mate and the absolute love of my life.
It's just that tonight, I'm gonna shag a prostitute.
Hello.
Moz? I'm Monique.
Carmel's friend.
Did you find the flat? Well, I'm here.
Yeah, I mean, did you find the flat OK?Yes, I found it OK.
You seem very nervous.
What makes you say that? You're not wearing any trousers.
Erm, can we just chalk this one up to me being an idiot? Way ahead of you.
Cheers.
Can you untie me? Please? Untie me? Set me free? Where's the door key? The key.
Key.
Key? GIRLS GIGGLE I got us a nice bottle of Jacob's Ladder.
Thanks.
I have to say, Monique, this actually feels quite romantic.
Does it feel like ã300 worth of romantic? Because that's what I'll need before we do anything else.
Oh, right.
I'm sorry.
Where are my manners? Trying to kiss a girl without offering her money! Do you take food through a tube? Erm, once in a while.
It makes for quite a relaxing meal.
Thanks.
Shall we slide into bed? Let's stay here.
That way we can combine two of life's greatest pleasures - sex and a good sit down.
Fissst Help! It's an emergency! Shouldn't you?It's HIS emergency! Let him get on with it.
Help me! Good evening.
Go away.
For the love of God let me in! This has got nothing to do with God.
I'm trying to watch The Inspector Lynley Mysteries.
I've been kidnapped.
I'm injured.
I'd love to believe you were but I'm not letting you in.
Ouch.
Have you brought your own chair? I'm not very impressed with this.
Jenny! Jenny, yer all right! No, I'm not all right! I'm shocked and appalledand shocked! You're a cheating bastard, Moz.
Yeah, yeah I am.
And YOU are a cheap tart.
Well, not that cheap actu But yeah, she is.
We've come to see how your Jenny's getting on with her coma.
She seems to be completely back to how she used to be.
Ah, well.
Can't win 'em all.
You have to understand, if Cartoon Head finds out he'll kill you.
The job's yours.
I'm really enjoying being conscious again.
We can't go to the police, a man's been killed.
I've stared through the looking glass.
Fisssst.