Keeping Up Appearances s05e02 Episode Script
The Mayor's Fancy Dress Ball
( theme music playing ) RICHARD? I KNOW THAT VOICE.
DO YOU REMEMBER THE WINSLOWS? NO.
THEY'VE OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
THEY CAME TO ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS, AND THEY'VE NEVER INVITED US BACK.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
I THINK I CAN.
IT MUST BE AN OVERSIGHT.
THEY'RE NOT THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO'D COMMI A BREECH OF MANNERS.
YOU MUST RING THEM FOR A CHAT AND DROP A HINT, RICHARD.
- ME? - I'D DO IT MYSELF, ONLY I'M NOT THE SOR OF PERSON WHO GOES FISHING FOR INVITATIONS.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
GOOD, THAT'S SETTLED THEN.
ROSE IS ALL EXCITED.
WE ALL KNOW THAT.
MOST OF THE MALE POPULATION KNOWS THAT.
SHE'S ENGAGED.
YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE THE ETERNAL OPTIMISM.
SHE THINKS THIS IS THE REAL THING.
IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW BY NOW, SHE NEVER WILL.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE ENGAGED? THOSE WONDERFUL HOURS AT THE BACK OF THE BAKERY.
THAT WASN'T ME! RICHARD! I WONDER WHAT THE VOICE OF GOD SOUNDS LIKE.
ISN'T IT TIME WE HAD OUR INVITATIONS TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL? I DON'T SUPPOSE WE'LL GET ONE THIS YEAR.
OF COURSE WE WILL.
WE'VE ALWAYS HAD ONE.
WHEN I WAS AN OFFICER OF THE COUNCIL, BUT I'M RETIRED NOW.
THAT'S NO EXCUSE.
IT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS IF WE DIDN'T GET AN INVITATION TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
AND RICHARD? ISN'T IT TIME WE MADE OURSELVES KNOWN TO OUR NEW NEIGHBOR? HAVE WE GO A NEW NEIGHBOR? OH, YES.
A MRS.
DONAHUE.
SHE WAS A PROCTOR.
YOU KNOW, "PROCTOR'S PICKLES.
" HER FATHER IS VERY HIGHLY PLACED IN CONDIMENT CIRCLES.
I HAVEN'T NOTICED ANYONE MOVING INTO THE ROAD.
IT'S IN THE NEXT ROAD.
AND THAT'S A NEW NEIGHBOR? IN ANOTHER ROAD? I DON'T SEE THA AS A BARRIER.
SHE'S STILL WITHIN OUR POSTCODE.
- HOW ENGAGED? - SHE'S ENGAGED.
YOU'RE EITHER ENGAGED OR YOU'RE NOT.
ROSE IS ENGAGED.
HAS SHE GO A RING? I MEAN, HAS SHE GO ANOTHER RING? SHE JUS SHOWED IT TO ME.
IT'S LOVELY.
SHE MUST HAVE MORE ENGAGEMENT RINGS THAN THERE ARE IN WILLIS' WINDOW.
SHE HAD MORE THAN I HAD WHEN SHE HAD ONE.
I COULDN'T AFFORD AN ENGAGEMENT RING.
DIDN'T STOP YOU WANTING ALL THE PRIVILEGES THOUGH, DID IT? MIND YOU, I MUST SAY YOU'VE SLOWED DOWN A LOT SINCE.
GOOD NIGHT, DAISE.
COME ON, MICHAEL, COME ON.
STIFFEN THE SINEWS.
DUTY CALLS.
MRS.
BUCKET-- "BOUQUET.
" "BOUQUET.
" OH, HAVEN'T YOU AN INVITATION FOR ME? WHY WOULD I INVITE YOU ANYWHERE? I MEAN, AN INVITATION TO THE LORD MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
- IT MUST BE IN THERE.
- OH! NO.
SORRY.
PLEASE CHECK AT THE SORTING OFFICE THAT YOU'VE NOT OVERLOOKED MY INVITATION TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
DRINK UP, ELIZABETH.
I WON'T BE A MOMENT.
BUT AS YOU ARE FIVE MINUTES EARLY FOR COFFEE THIS MORNING, I HAVEN' QUITE FINISHED MAKING MY CAKES.
RICHARD WON'T BE JOINING US YET.
HE'S HAVING A CHAT WITH THE MAYOR AT THE TOWN HALL.
LUCKY RICHARD.
I THOUGHT I'D BETTER SEND HIM ALONG PERSONALLY.
( clattering ) THE MAYOR WILL BE SO DISTRESSED WHEN HE REALIZES OUR INVITATIONS ARE LATE.
- INVITATIONS? - TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
WE ALWAYS GE AN INVITATION TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
( dishes clattering ) IT'S THE HIGHLIGH OF THE MUNICIPAL YEAR.
IT'S VERY EXCLUSIVE.
( sighs ) I'M SURE IT IS.
LAST YEAR I WEN AS CLEOPATRA.
RICHARD WEN AS MARC ANTHONY.
BUT QUITE FRANKLY, HE WAS SOMETHING OF A DISAPPOINTMEN AS A ROMAN.
HE NEVER QUITE GOT CONTROL OF HIS JAVELIN.
I STILL HAVE THE SCAR.
PERSONALLY, I DON'T CARE IF WE'RE NOT INVITED.
I HATED BEING A ROMAN.
IT WAS DAMN DIFFICUL JUGGLING WITH THAT JAVELIN AND THE BUFFET.
ARE YOU ON THE LIST? I DON'T SUPPOSE WE ARE NOW THAT I'VE RETIRED.
- BUT HYACINTH WANTS TO GO? - VERY MUCH SO.
I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST.
THANKS, PAUL.
THIS WILL MAKE LIFE SO MUCH EASIER FOR ME.
NOT DRINKING, ELIZABETH? I THOUGHT I'D LET IT GET COOL.
I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
TRY IT.
OH, YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT THE WINSLOWS.
OH, YES! YOU KNOW, THEY'VE NEVER RETURNED MY INVITATION.
WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, I MAY HAVE OVERDONE I AT MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPER.
THE POOR DEAR WAS PROBABLY SO OVERWHELMED BY THE GRACIOUSNESS OF THE EVENING, SHE FEELS SHE CAN'T COMPETE.
YES, I EXPEC THAT MUST BE IT.
- OH, BISCUIT! - OH, THANK YOU.
- ( phone ringing ) - OH, EXCUSE ME.
IT'S PROBABLY SOMEONE VERY IMPORTANT.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU, ROSE.
IT'S MY SISTER ROSE.
SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES, SAUNA AND ROOM FOR A PONY.
OH, ROSE, I AM PLEASED FOR YOU.
OH, AND I DO HOPE THAT THIS IS THE ONE.
YOU CAN'T KEEP FLIRTING WITH MATRIMONY.
MY SISTER ROSE HAS JUST BECOME ENGAGED! A POLISH PERSON? WELL, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, DEAR, I'VE NOTHING AGAINS POLISH PERSONS.
BUT COULDN'T YOU FIND SOMEONE NEARER? OH, HE LIVES HERE.
COULD YOU PUT DAISY ON FOR A MOMENT, DEAR? DO HELP YOURSELF, ELIZABETH.
ONSLOW LIKES BROKEN BISCUITS, DOESN'T HE, DAISY? NOW, DAISY, WHAT IS ROSE DOING MARRYING A POLISH PERSON? IS HE SUITABLE? WHAT'S HIS NAME? NOBODY KNOWS HIS NAME.
WELL, SHE MUST LEARN TO PRONOUNCE IT.
SHE PREFERS TO USE HIS NICKNAME? WHAT IS HIS NICKNAME? "CUDDLY CHOPS"? NOW, DAISY, YOU TELL ROSE IMMEDIATELY THAT SHE MUST LEARN THIS GENTLEMAN'S NAME.
WE CANNOT HAVE A CUDDLY CHOPS IN THE FAMILY.
HER SISTER ROSE IS ENGAGED.
YOU REMEMBER ROSE-- EYELASHES CONSIDERABLY LONGER THAN HER SKIRT.
LIZ, DO NOT DISTRACT ME WITH TRIVIALITIES.
LIFE IS DARK AND BURDENSOME.
OH, EMMET, YOU'VE BEEN DIVORCED FOR 18 MONTHS NOW.
I THOUGHT YOU GOT OVER IT.
OH, I GOT OVER THAT.
THAT WAS A MERE TRIFLE.
IT'S FRANKENSTEIN'S MOTHER NEXT DOOR.
( laughs ) WHAT'S SHE DONE TO YOU NOW? SHE'S THREATENED TO COME TO MY DRESS REHEARSAL.
SHE'S VOLUNTEERED TO "HELP" WITH MY DRESS REHEARSAL.
- ( Elizabeth laughs ) - ( plays "Funeral March" ) MAYBE SHE'LL HAVE MORE ON HER MIND, NOW THAT ROSE IS MARRYING A POLISH PERSON.
A WEDDING! SHE'LL BE GOING TO THE WEDDING-- IN POLAND! ( sighs ) OH, HYACINTH COULD BE AWAY FOR WEEKS IN POLAND.
THE POLISH PERSON LIVES HERE.
HE'S GOT NO RIGH TO LIVE HERE.
WHAT'S A POLISH PERSON DOING LIVING IN ENGLAND? THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH PEOPLE TODAY, THEY'RE ALWAYS WANDERING ABOUT.
NO ONE SITS STILL.
INCLUDING YOU.
LOOK AT YOU.
( doorbell ringing ) IF THAT'S HYACINTH, TELL HER I'VE GOT RABIES.
AND MY BITE IS FATAL.
RICHARD.
HAVE A DRINK.
ISN'T IT A BIT EARLY? THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE, FOR WHOM IT IS NEVER TOO EARLY.
THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO DESERVE A DRINK AT ANY TIME.
JUST A SMALL GIN AND TONIC THEN.
GO AND HAVE A LARGE ONE, DAMN IT.
IF ANYONE DESERVED A LARGE ONE, IT'S YOU.
I'VE BEEN SENT ROUND BY HYACINTH.
HYACINTH? SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO MAKE YOUR DRESS REHEARSAL.
IT TURNS OUT TO BE THE SAME NIGHT AS THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
( laughs ) WE'LL BOTH HAVE A LARGE ONE.
LIZ, MAKE US TWO LARGE GIN AND TONICS.
HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN IF HE DOESN'T MIND, WHY SHOULD OUR HYACINTH MIND? SHE DOESN'T THINK IT RIGHT YOU CALLING HIM BY HIS NICKNAME, ESPECIALLY THAT NICKNAME.
NOT IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED.
OUR HYACINTH WANTS TO TRY PRONOUNCING IT.
THERE'S TOO MANY ZEDS IN IT.
YOU'LL HAVE TO LEARN IT, IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED.
I KEEP TRYING TO LEARN IT.
I WAS TRYING SO HARD, I NEVER NOTICED WHAT HE WAS UP TO.
THAT'S HOW I CAME TO BE ENGAGED.
WHY DIDN'T YOU WORK YOUR WAY IN SLOWLY? WHAT'S HIS FIRST NAME? THAT'S NEARLY AS BAD.
SHE NEEDS HIS LAST NAME.
SHE'S GONNA BE MRS.
WHATEVER HIS LAST NAME IS.
"WHATSIT!" I'M GOING TO BE "MRS.
WHATSIT.
" THAT'S ABOUT AS NEAR AS I CAN GET.
I GOT I WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE.
HE SPELLED IT FOR ME.
HE'D HAVE HAD TO SPELL I FOR YOU.
NOBODY IS GONNA MARRY YOU FOR YOUR SPELLING, ROSE.
I MANAGED TO MAKE MY WAY THROUGH LIFE, THANK YOU.
IF LOVE HAD A WRITTEN EXAMINATION, YOU'D HAVE HAD TO ENTER THE CONVENT.
I CAN SPELL IT.
NOT TONIGHT, DAISE.
IT'S ONLY TUESDAY.
IT'S HERE! I TOLD YOU.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT SAYS? "WHATSIT.
" DEFINITELY "MR.
WHATSIT.
" ARE YOU SURE WE'RE ON THE LIST? HYACINTH, I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES, WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
WELL, I THINK IT'S VERY SHORT NOTICE.
THEY APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.
IT SEEMS WE WERE OVERLOOKED.
ANYWAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? JUST HAPPY IN A MODEST SORT OF WAY.
NO, I MEAN THE FANCY DRESS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? - WELL, NOT A ROMAN.
- OH, NO, DEAR.
I COULDN' LET YOU LOOSE AS A ROMAN AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY TOLD YOU, RICHARD, BUT YOU WERE VERY DISAPPOINTING AS A ROMAN.
I EXPECTED MORE OF A HINT OF BRUTALITY-- IN THE BES POSSIBLE TASTE, OF COURSE.
YOU SEE, DEAR, YOU QUITE FAILED TO CONVINCE ME THA YOU'D CONQUERED GAUL.
NEVER MIND THOUGH, DEAR.
COME ALONG.
COME AND CHANGE.
GET INTO SOMETHING SMART.
WE'RE GOING FOR A WALK.
- WHERE TO? - DOES IT MATTER WHERE TO? WE NEED TO WALK MORE.
YOU'LL FIND THE EXERCISE'LL DO US GOOD.
- YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING.
- GO ON, GET CHANGED.
OH COME ON, LET'S GO! ( low ) THE KEYS! GIVE ME THE KEYS, LIZ.
ARE YOU SURE YOU CLOSED ALL THE WINDOWS, RICHARD? I DEFY ANYONE TO FIND AN OPEN WINDOW.
WAS THAT EMMET? HE MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING IN THE HOUSE.
NO, DEAR.
I'M AFRAID IT'S ME.
I RATHER THINK I'VE SEN HIS SENSES REELING.
DEAR EMMET.
I'M COMING, RICHARD.
( doorbell rings ) - HAS SHE GONE? - YES, IT'S ALL CLEAR.
YOU CAN COME OUT NOW.
- BUT SHE DID SEE YOU.
- I COULDN'T GET IN.
I NOTICED THAT.
SHE THINKS YOU'RE HALF IN LOVE WITH HER.
- WHY ARE WE GOING THIS WAY? - HMM? IF WE WANT TO WALK, WHY DON'T WE GO INTO THE PARK OR SOMETHING? OH, RICHARD.
EVERYBODY WALKS IN THE PARK.
PECULIAR PEOPLE WALK IN THE PARK.
NO, IT'S NICE DOWN HERE.
WE'LL GO THIS WAY.
I'LL ALWAYS BELIEVE ONE SHOULD GO ONE'S OWN WAY.
I'VE NOTICED WE NEVER GO MY WAY.
HMM? HAVE YOU DECIDED WHAT YOU WANT TO BE? WHEN I GROW UP, YOU MEAN? DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
I MEAN YOUR FANCY DRESS.
OH! IT USUALLY DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU WANT TO BE, - AND THEN I FIND SOMETHING THAT GOES WITH IT.
- OH, RICHARD, YOU MAKE IT SOUND AS IF I PRESSURE YOU INTO THINGS.
I THINK I MIGHT GO AS MARIE ANTOINETTE.
WELL, I'M NO DOING LOUIS XIV.
- I'M NOT WEARING SILK TROUSERS.
- OH, RICHARD! YOU CAN WEAR YOUR PLUS FOURS UNDERNEATH.
OH, I LIKE NUMBER 10.
WHY THAT ONE? IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE OTHERS.
NO, IT DOESN'T, DEAR.
IT HAS AN INDEFINABLE SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
HYACINTH, IF YOU ARE GOING AS MARIE ANTOINETTE-- WELL, I AM.
I HAVE MY HEART SE ON MARIE ANTOINETTE.
MAYBE I COULD GO AS THE EXECUTIONER.
OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
IT HAS A CERTAIN APPEAL, I AGREE.
LET'S TURN ROUND AND WALK BACK.
- WHY? - HUMOR ME, RICHARD.
HYACINTH, TELL ME NOW-- WHO IS AT NUMBER 10? SHH! I BELIEVE IT'S THE DONAHUES.
DO YOU REMEMBER? I TOLD YOU.
SHE WAS A "PROCTOR'S PICKLES.
" I THOUGHT IF WE BUMPED INTO THEM, IT WOULD BE NICE TO WELCOME THEM TO THE AREA.
WELL, I'M NOT PASSING NUMBER 10 ALL AFTERNOON.
I WOULDN'T DREAM OF DOING ANYTHING SO SILLY.
GOOD.
JUST A COUPLE MORE TIMES AND THEN WE'LL CALL IT A DAY.
WHAT'S WRONG? NOTHING.
WHAT'RE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR? I LIKE LOOKING AT YOU.
I LIKE SITTING HERE AND THINKING IT'S ALL MINE! IT'S ALL MINE! HOW MANY OF THOSE HAVE YOU HAD? IT'S MY FIRST.
WELL, DON'T HAVE ANY MORE.
WHAT ARE YOU SMILING FOR? I WAS JUST THINKING WHEN OUR ROSE GETS MARRIED AND SHE LEAVES, IT'LL JUST BE THE TWO OF US.
DAISY, I AM NO JUST A PLAYTHING.
WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IN A LODGER.
THERE NOW.
I'M SURE THE WALK DID US GOOD.
23 TIMES PAST NUMBER 10.
THAT WASN'T A WALK, IT WAS SENTRY DUTY.
I LIKED NUMBER 10.
I WAS MERELY ADMIRING THEIR GARDEN.
I DON'T SEE WHY.
IT'S JUST A GARDEN.
OF COURSE IT'S NO JUST A GARDEN.
IF YOU WERE ONCE A "PROCTOR'S PICKLE," YOU DON'T HAVE JUST A GARDEN.
OH, I DO NEED A CUP OF TEA.
WHAT A GOOD IDEA.
DON'T TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.
YOU HAVE TO GO INTO TOWN.
WHAT ON EARTH FOR? TO ORDER OUR COSTUMES FOR THE FANCY-DRESS BALL.
AND DO INSIST-- I WANT TO BE MARIE ANTOINETTE.
THEY HAVE MY MEASUREMENTS ON FILE.
AND DO BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU CHOOSE FOR YOURSELF.
I DON'T WANT YOU IN TIGHTS, RICHARD.
I GET VERY EMBARRASSED IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBORS WHEN YOU'RE IN TIGHTS.
WHEN HAVE I EVER BEEN IN TIGHTS? THE YEAR YOU WERE ROBIN HOOD.
I WAS FRIAR TUCK, YOU WERE ROBIN HOOD.
- ARE YOU SURE? - DON'T YOU REMEMBER? SHERIDAN BECAME ILL BECAUSE HE COULDN' BE MAID MARIAN.
OH YES, I DO REMEMBER.
POOR SHERIDAN.
HE BROKE OU IN SPOTS.
ONLY IN THE NICEST PLACES, OF COURSE.
AH, SPOIL YOUR LUNCH.
OH, KID! COME HERE, COME HERE! POP THIS IN THAT LETTERBOX FOR ME, WILL YOU? HOW MUCH? YOU'RE GONNA GROW UP TO BE A MONSTER, AREN'T YOU? 50p.
FOR MRS.
BUCKET? FORGET IT.
WAIT! COME HERE.
A POUND.
LET'S SEE YOUR MONEY.
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU'LL BE SORRY.
SMART KID.
( ringing ) THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
SHERIDAN! HOW PSYCHIC OF YOU TO RING MOMMY.
DADDY AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT YOUR SPOTS EARLY YESTERDAY.
- NO MORE MONEY THIS MONTH.
- HMM? AND MOMMY'S BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU AGAIN THIS MORNING.
I WAS CLEARING OU A DRAWER, AND I FOUND YOUR FIRS LITTLE SEWING KIT.
IT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MOMMY'S EYE.
IT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MINE.
I SA ON THE DAMN THING.
NOW YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE CAUGHT US, DEAR.
WE'LL SOON BE OFF FOR OUR WALK, YES, WE GO EVERY DAY NOW.
MMM.
MOMMY'S ON NODDING TERMS WITH A "PROCTOR'S PICKLE.
" YES, A MRS.
DONAHUE.
HER FATHER'S VERY BIG IN CONDIMENT CIRCLES.
"ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OVER £10.
" OH, RICHARD! I'M SORRY, DEAR.
THERE'S AN INTERFERENCE ON THE LINE.
NOW I'M AFRAID YOU'VE CAUGHT MOMMY WHEN SHE'S VERY DISAPPOINTED.
IT'S THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL THIS EVENING, AND I WANTED TO GO AS MARIE ANTOINETTE, BUT DADDY COULDN'T GE THE COSTUME.
WELL, I HAD TO TAKE WHAT THEY'D GOT LEFT! I'M SORRY, DEAR.
THERE'S ANOTHER GREMLIN ON THE LINE.
WHAT'RE YOU DOING, LIZ? I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE GARDEN.
NO, NOT YET.
I WANT TO SEE HYACINTH IN COSTUME.
WHAT ARE THEY GOING AS? SHE WON'T SAY.
IT'S NO MARIE ANTOINETTE-- I'VE GATHERED THAT MUCH.
ALL SHE NEEDS IS A CRUFT'S FIRST PRIZE ROSETTE AND SHE COULD GO AS SUPREME LADY CHAMPION.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THOSE.
OH, EMMET! QUICK, QUICK! THEY'RE GETTING IN THE CAR! GOOD HEAVENS! OH, I WOULDN' HAVE MISSED THA FOR THE WORLD.
Hyacinth: I FEEL RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE IN THIS COSTUME, RICHARD.
Richard: YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE WHAT THEY HAD.
- IT WAS THESE OR NOTHING.
- ( engine sputtering ) Hyacinth: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DEAR? Richard: I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.
IT'S DOING IT ALL BY ITSELF.
( engine sputtering ) RICHARD, HOW CAN YOU BREAK DOWN ON ME LIKE THIS? ( car backfires ) HELLO, ROSE.
YOU'VE JUST MISSED HYACINTH.
THEY LEFT FOR THE TOWN HALL.
YOU'LL CATCH THEM IF YOU HURRY.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S WORTH THE EFFORT.
I DID WANT HER TO MEET MY FRIEND, MISTER "WHATSIT.
" MRS.
BUCKET? IT'S "BOUQUET," MRS.
DONAHUE.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY HUSBAND? RICHARD, COME AND MEE MRS.
DONAHUE.
HOW DO YOU DO? WELL I REALLY CAN' STAY OUT HERE ALL EVENING.
I THINK I CAN HEAR MY TELEPHONE.
I'LL CALL YOU, MRS.
DONAHUE.
I DO HOPE YOU'LL GRACE ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
IS QUEEN BOADICEA HAVING TROUBLE WITH HER CHARIOT? DO PUT A JACKET ON, ONSLOW.
YOU'RE BEING OBSERVED BY A "PROCTOR'S PICKLE.
" ( backfires ) THANKS FOR THE LIFT, ONSLOW.
I'M SORRY YOU CAN'T STOP.
YOU'VE HARDLY SAID A WORD TO "MR.
WHATSIT.
" SHE SAID A WORD TO ME.
I DON'T THINK IT WAS ANCIENT BRIT.
YOUR WORSHIP.
( blasts ) OH, YOUR WORSHIP.
I WAS HOPING TO SPEAK WITH YOU ABOUT A LITTLE FUNCTION I SHALL BE HOLDING.
JUST A FEW FRIENDS OF THE RIGH SOCIO-ECONOMIC BALANCE.
OH, I KNOW! HOME, RICHARD.
I WILL NOT SHARE MY THRONE WITH THOSE IMPOSTORS.
( theme music playing )
DO YOU REMEMBER THE WINSLOWS? NO.
THEY'VE OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
THEY CAME TO ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS, AND THEY'VE NEVER INVITED US BACK.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
I THINK I CAN.
IT MUST BE AN OVERSIGHT.
THEY'RE NOT THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO'D COMMI A BREECH OF MANNERS.
YOU MUST RING THEM FOR A CHAT AND DROP A HINT, RICHARD.
- ME? - I'D DO IT MYSELF, ONLY I'M NOT THE SOR OF PERSON WHO GOES FISHING FOR INVITATIONS.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
GOOD, THAT'S SETTLED THEN.
ROSE IS ALL EXCITED.
WE ALL KNOW THAT.
MOST OF THE MALE POPULATION KNOWS THAT.
SHE'S ENGAGED.
YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE THE ETERNAL OPTIMISM.
SHE THINKS THIS IS THE REAL THING.
IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW BY NOW, SHE NEVER WILL.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE ENGAGED? THOSE WONDERFUL HOURS AT THE BACK OF THE BAKERY.
THAT WASN'T ME! RICHARD! I WONDER WHAT THE VOICE OF GOD SOUNDS LIKE.
ISN'T IT TIME WE HAD OUR INVITATIONS TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL? I DON'T SUPPOSE WE'LL GET ONE THIS YEAR.
OF COURSE WE WILL.
WE'VE ALWAYS HAD ONE.
WHEN I WAS AN OFFICER OF THE COUNCIL, BUT I'M RETIRED NOW.
THAT'S NO EXCUSE.
IT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS IF WE DIDN'T GET AN INVITATION TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
AND RICHARD? ISN'T IT TIME WE MADE OURSELVES KNOWN TO OUR NEW NEIGHBOR? HAVE WE GO A NEW NEIGHBOR? OH, YES.
A MRS.
DONAHUE.
SHE WAS A PROCTOR.
YOU KNOW, "PROCTOR'S PICKLES.
" HER FATHER IS VERY HIGHLY PLACED IN CONDIMENT CIRCLES.
I HAVEN'T NOTICED ANYONE MOVING INTO THE ROAD.
IT'S IN THE NEXT ROAD.
AND THAT'S A NEW NEIGHBOR? IN ANOTHER ROAD? I DON'T SEE THA AS A BARRIER.
SHE'S STILL WITHIN OUR POSTCODE.
- HOW ENGAGED? - SHE'S ENGAGED.
YOU'RE EITHER ENGAGED OR YOU'RE NOT.
ROSE IS ENGAGED.
HAS SHE GO A RING? I MEAN, HAS SHE GO ANOTHER RING? SHE JUS SHOWED IT TO ME.
IT'S LOVELY.
SHE MUST HAVE MORE ENGAGEMENT RINGS THAN THERE ARE IN WILLIS' WINDOW.
SHE HAD MORE THAN I HAD WHEN SHE HAD ONE.
I COULDN'T AFFORD AN ENGAGEMENT RING.
DIDN'T STOP YOU WANTING ALL THE PRIVILEGES THOUGH, DID IT? MIND YOU, I MUST SAY YOU'VE SLOWED DOWN A LOT SINCE.
GOOD NIGHT, DAISE.
COME ON, MICHAEL, COME ON.
STIFFEN THE SINEWS.
DUTY CALLS.
MRS.
BUCKET-- "BOUQUET.
" "BOUQUET.
" OH, HAVEN'T YOU AN INVITATION FOR ME? WHY WOULD I INVITE YOU ANYWHERE? I MEAN, AN INVITATION TO THE LORD MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
- IT MUST BE IN THERE.
- OH! NO.
SORRY.
PLEASE CHECK AT THE SORTING OFFICE THAT YOU'VE NOT OVERLOOKED MY INVITATION TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
DRINK UP, ELIZABETH.
I WON'T BE A MOMENT.
BUT AS YOU ARE FIVE MINUTES EARLY FOR COFFEE THIS MORNING, I HAVEN' QUITE FINISHED MAKING MY CAKES.
RICHARD WON'T BE JOINING US YET.
HE'S HAVING A CHAT WITH THE MAYOR AT THE TOWN HALL.
LUCKY RICHARD.
I THOUGHT I'D BETTER SEND HIM ALONG PERSONALLY.
( clattering ) THE MAYOR WILL BE SO DISTRESSED WHEN HE REALIZES OUR INVITATIONS ARE LATE.
- INVITATIONS? - TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
WE ALWAYS GE AN INVITATION TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
( dishes clattering ) IT'S THE HIGHLIGH OF THE MUNICIPAL YEAR.
IT'S VERY EXCLUSIVE.
( sighs ) I'M SURE IT IS.
LAST YEAR I WEN AS CLEOPATRA.
RICHARD WEN AS MARC ANTHONY.
BUT QUITE FRANKLY, HE WAS SOMETHING OF A DISAPPOINTMEN AS A ROMAN.
HE NEVER QUITE GOT CONTROL OF HIS JAVELIN.
I STILL HAVE THE SCAR.
PERSONALLY, I DON'T CARE IF WE'RE NOT INVITED.
I HATED BEING A ROMAN.
IT WAS DAMN DIFFICUL JUGGLING WITH THAT JAVELIN AND THE BUFFET.
ARE YOU ON THE LIST? I DON'T SUPPOSE WE ARE NOW THAT I'VE RETIRED.
- BUT HYACINTH WANTS TO GO? - VERY MUCH SO.
I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST.
THANKS, PAUL.
THIS WILL MAKE LIFE SO MUCH EASIER FOR ME.
NOT DRINKING, ELIZABETH? I THOUGHT I'D LET IT GET COOL.
I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
TRY IT.
OH, YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT THE WINSLOWS.
OH, YES! YOU KNOW, THEY'VE NEVER RETURNED MY INVITATION.
WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, I MAY HAVE OVERDONE I AT MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPER.
THE POOR DEAR WAS PROBABLY SO OVERWHELMED BY THE GRACIOUSNESS OF THE EVENING, SHE FEELS SHE CAN'T COMPETE.
YES, I EXPEC THAT MUST BE IT.
- OH, BISCUIT! - OH, THANK YOU.
- ( phone ringing ) - OH, EXCUSE ME.
IT'S PROBABLY SOMEONE VERY IMPORTANT.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU, ROSE.
IT'S MY SISTER ROSE.
SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES, SAUNA AND ROOM FOR A PONY.
OH, ROSE, I AM PLEASED FOR YOU.
OH, AND I DO HOPE THAT THIS IS THE ONE.
YOU CAN'T KEEP FLIRTING WITH MATRIMONY.
MY SISTER ROSE HAS JUST BECOME ENGAGED! A POLISH PERSON? WELL, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, DEAR, I'VE NOTHING AGAINS POLISH PERSONS.
BUT COULDN'T YOU FIND SOMEONE NEARER? OH, HE LIVES HERE.
COULD YOU PUT DAISY ON FOR A MOMENT, DEAR? DO HELP YOURSELF, ELIZABETH.
ONSLOW LIKES BROKEN BISCUITS, DOESN'T HE, DAISY? NOW, DAISY, WHAT IS ROSE DOING MARRYING A POLISH PERSON? IS HE SUITABLE? WHAT'S HIS NAME? NOBODY KNOWS HIS NAME.
WELL, SHE MUST LEARN TO PRONOUNCE IT.
SHE PREFERS TO USE HIS NICKNAME? WHAT IS HIS NICKNAME? "CUDDLY CHOPS"? NOW, DAISY, YOU TELL ROSE IMMEDIATELY THAT SHE MUST LEARN THIS GENTLEMAN'S NAME.
WE CANNOT HAVE A CUDDLY CHOPS IN THE FAMILY.
HER SISTER ROSE IS ENGAGED.
YOU REMEMBER ROSE-- EYELASHES CONSIDERABLY LONGER THAN HER SKIRT.
LIZ, DO NOT DISTRACT ME WITH TRIVIALITIES.
LIFE IS DARK AND BURDENSOME.
OH, EMMET, YOU'VE BEEN DIVORCED FOR 18 MONTHS NOW.
I THOUGHT YOU GOT OVER IT.
OH, I GOT OVER THAT.
THAT WAS A MERE TRIFLE.
IT'S FRANKENSTEIN'S MOTHER NEXT DOOR.
( laughs ) WHAT'S SHE DONE TO YOU NOW? SHE'S THREATENED TO COME TO MY DRESS REHEARSAL.
SHE'S VOLUNTEERED TO "HELP" WITH MY DRESS REHEARSAL.
- ( Elizabeth laughs ) - ( plays "Funeral March" ) MAYBE SHE'LL HAVE MORE ON HER MIND, NOW THAT ROSE IS MARRYING A POLISH PERSON.
A WEDDING! SHE'LL BE GOING TO THE WEDDING-- IN POLAND! ( sighs ) OH, HYACINTH COULD BE AWAY FOR WEEKS IN POLAND.
THE POLISH PERSON LIVES HERE.
HE'S GOT NO RIGH TO LIVE HERE.
WHAT'S A POLISH PERSON DOING LIVING IN ENGLAND? THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH PEOPLE TODAY, THEY'RE ALWAYS WANDERING ABOUT.
NO ONE SITS STILL.
INCLUDING YOU.
LOOK AT YOU.
( doorbell ringing ) IF THAT'S HYACINTH, TELL HER I'VE GOT RABIES.
AND MY BITE IS FATAL.
RICHARD.
HAVE A DRINK.
ISN'T IT A BIT EARLY? THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE, FOR WHOM IT IS NEVER TOO EARLY.
THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO DESERVE A DRINK AT ANY TIME.
JUST A SMALL GIN AND TONIC THEN.
GO AND HAVE A LARGE ONE, DAMN IT.
IF ANYONE DESERVED A LARGE ONE, IT'S YOU.
I'VE BEEN SENT ROUND BY HYACINTH.
HYACINTH? SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO MAKE YOUR DRESS REHEARSAL.
IT TURNS OUT TO BE THE SAME NIGHT AS THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
( laughs ) WE'LL BOTH HAVE A LARGE ONE.
LIZ, MAKE US TWO LARGE GIN AND TONICS.
HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN IF HE DOESN'T MIND, WHY SHOULD OUR HYACINTH MIND? SHE DOESN'T THINK IT RIGHT YOU CALLING HIM BY HIS NICKNAME, ESPECIALLY THAT NICKNAME.
NOT IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED.
OUR HYACINTH WANTS TO TRY PRONOUNCING IT.
THERE'S TOO MANY ZEDS IN IT.
YOU'LL HAVE TO LEARN IT, IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED.
I KEEP TRYING TO LEARN IT.
I WAS TRYING SO HARD, I NEVER NOTICED WHAT HE WAS UP TO.
THAT'S HOW I CAME TO BE ENGAGED.
WHY DIDN'T YOU WORK YOUR WAY IN SLOWLY? WHAT'S HIS FIRST NAME? THAT'S NEARLY AS BAD.
SHE NEEDS HIS LAST NAME.
SHE'S GONNA BE MRS.
WHATEVER HIS LAST NAME IS.
"WHATSIT!" I'M GOING TO BE "MRS.
WHATSIT.
" THAT'S ABOUT AS NEAR AS I CAN GET.
I GOT I WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE.
HE SPELLED IT FOR ME.
HE'D HAVE HAD TO SPELL I FOR YOU.
NOBODY IS GONNA MARRY YOU FOR YOUR SPELLING, ROSE.
I MANAGED TO MAKE MY WAY THROUGH LIFE, THANK YOU.
IF LOVE HAD A WRITTEN EXAMINATION, YOU'D HAVE HAD TO ENTER THE CONVENT.
I CAN SPELL IT.
NOT TONIGHT, DAISE.
IT'S ONLY TUESDAY.
IT'S HERE! I TOLD YOU.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT SAYS? "WHATSIT.
" DEFINITELY "MR.
WHATSIT.
" ARE YOU SURE WE'RE ON THE LIST? HYACINTH, I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES, WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL.
WELL, I THINK IT'S VERY SHORT NOTICE.
THEY APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.
IT SEEMS WE WERE OVERLOOKED.
ANYWAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? JUST HAPPY IN A MODEST SORT OF WAY.
NO, I MEAN THE FANCY DRESS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? - WELL, NOT A ROMAN.
- OH, NO, DEAR.
I COULDN' LET YOU LOOSE AS A ROMAN AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY TOLD YOU, RICHARD, BUT YOU WERE VERY DISAPPOINTING AS A ROMAN.
I EXPECTED MORE OF A HINT OF BRUTALITY-- IN THE BES POSSIBLE TASTE, OF COURSE.
YOU SEE, DEAR, YOU QUITE FAILED TO CONVINCE ME THA YOU'D CONQUERED GAUL.
NEVER MIND THOUGH, DEAR.
COME ALONG.
COME AND CHANGE.
GET INTO SOMETHING SMART.
WE'RE GOING FOR A WALK.
- WHERE TO? - DOES IT MATTER WHERE TO? WE NEED TO WALK MORE.
YOU'LL FIND THE EXERCISE'LL DO US GOOD.
- YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING.
- GO ON, GET CHANGED.
OH COME ON, LET'S GO! ( low ) THE KEYS! GIVE ME THE KEYS, LIZ.
ARE YOU SURE YOU CLOSED ALL THE WINDOWS, RICHARD? I DEFY ANYONE TO FIND AN OPEN WINDOW.
WAS THAT EMMET? HE MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING IN THE HOUSE.
NO, DEAR.
I'M AFRAID IT'S ME.
I RATHER THINK I'VE SEN HIS SENSES REELING.
DEAR EMMET.
I'M COMING, RICHARD.
( doorbell rings ) - HAS SHE GONE? - YES, IT'S ALL CLEAR.
YOU CAN COME OUT NOW.
- BUT SHE DID SEE YOU.
- I COULDN'T GET IN.
I NOTICED THAT.
SHE THINKS YOU'RE HALF IN LOVE WITH HER.
- WHY ARE WE GOING THIS WAY? - HMM? IF WE WANT TO WALK, WHY DON'T WE GO INTO THE PARK OR SOMETHING? OH, RICHARD.
EVERYBODY WALKS IN THE PARK.
PECULIAR PEOPLE WALK IN THE PARK.
NO, IT'S NICE DOWN HERE.
WE'LL GO THIS WAY.
I'LL ALWAYS BELIEVE ONE SHOULD GO ONE'S OWN WAY.
I'VE NOTICED WE NEVER GO MY WAY.
HMM? HAVE YOU DECIDED WHAT YOU WANT TO BE? WHEN I GROW UP, YOU MEAN? DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
I MEAN YOUR FANCY DRESS.
OH! IT USUALLY DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU WANT TO BE, - AND THEN I FIND SOMETHING THAT GOES WITH IT.
- OH, RICHARD, YOU MAKE IT SOUND AS IF I PRESSURE YOU INTO THINGS.
I THINK I MIGHT GO AS MARIE ANTOINETTE.
WELL, I'M NO DOING LOUIS XIV.
- I'M NOT WEARING SILK TROUSERS.
- OH, RICHARD! YOU CAN WEAR YOUR PLUS FOURS UNDERNEATH.
OH, I LIKE NUMBER 10.
WHY THAT ONE? IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE OTHERS.
NO, IT DOESN'T, DEAR.
IT HAS AN INDEFINABLE SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
HYACINTH, IF YOU ARE GOING AS MARIE ANTOINETTE-- WELL, I AM.
I HAVE MY HEART SE ON MARIE ANTOINETTE.
MAYBE I COULD GO AS THE EXECUTIONER.
OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
IT HAS A CERTAIN APPEAL, I AGREE.
LET'S TURN ROUND AND WALK BACK.
- WHY? - HUMOR ME, RICHARD.
HYACINTH, TELL ME NOW-- WHO IS AT NUMBER 10? SHH! I BELIEVE IT'S THE DONAHUES.
DO YOU REMEMBER? I TOLD YOU.
SHE WAS A "PROCTOR'S PICKLES.
" I THOUGHT IF WE BUMPED INTO THEM, IT WOULD BE NICE TO WELCOME THEM TO THE AREA.
WELL, I'M NOT PASSING NUMBER 10 ALL AFTERNOON.
I WOULDN'T DREAM OF DOING ANYTHING SO SILLY.
GOOD.
JUST A COUPLE MORE TIMES AND THEN WE'LL CALL IT A DAY.
WHAT'S WRONG? NOTHING.
WHAT'RE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR? I LIKE LOOKING AT YOU.
I LIKE SITTING HERE AND THINKING IT'S ALL MINE! IT'S ALL MINE! HOW MANY OF THOSE HAVE YOU HAD? IT'S MY FIRST.
WELL, DON'T HAVE ANY MORE.
WHAT ARE YOU SMILING FOR? I WAS JUST THINKING WHEN OUR ROSE GETS MARRIED AND SHE LEAVES, IT'LL JUST BE THE TWO OF US.
DAISY, I AM NO JUST A PLAYTHING.
WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IN A LODGER.
THERE NOW.
I'M SURE THE WALK DID US GOOD.
23 TIMES PAST NUMBER 10.
THAT WASN'T A WALK, IT WAS SENTRY DUTY.
I LIKED NUMBER 10.
I WAS MERELY ADMIRING THEIR GARDEN.
I DON'T SEE WHY.
IT'S JUST A GARDEN.
OF COURSE IT'S NO JUST A GARDEN.
IF YOU WERE ONCE A "PROCTOR'S PICKLE," YOU DON'T HAVE JUST A GARDEN.
OH, I DO NEED A CUP OF TEA.
WHAT A GOOD IDEA.
DON'T TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.
YOU HAVE TO GO INTO TOWN.
WHAT ON EARTH FOR? TO ORDER OUR COSTUMES FOR THE FANCY-DRESS BALL.
AND DO INSIST-- I WANT TO BE MARIE ANTOINETTE.
THEY HAVE MY MEASUREMENTS ON FILE.
AND DO BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU CHOOSE FOR YOURSELF.
I DON'T WANT YOU IN TIGHTS, RICHARD.
I GET VERY EMBARRASSED IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBORS WHEN YOU'RE IN TIGHTS.
WHEN HAVE I EVER BEEN IN TIGHTS? THE YEAR YOU WERE ROBIN HOOD.
I WAS FRIAR TUCK, YOU WERE ROBIN HOOD.
- ARE YOU SURE? - DON'T YOU REMEMBER? SHERIDAN BECAME ILL BECAUSE HE COULDN' BE MAID MARIAN.
OH YES, I DO REMEMBER.
POOR SHERIDAN.
HE BROKE OU IN SPOTS.
ONLY IN THE NICEST PLACES, OF COURSE.
AH, SPOIL YOUR LUNCH.
OH, KID! COME HERE, COME HERE! POP THIS IN THAT LETTERBOX FOR ME, WILL YOU? HOW MUCH? YOU'RE GONNA GROW UP TO BE A MONSTER, AREN'T YOU? 50p.
FOR MRS.
BUCKET? FORGET IT.
WAIT! COME HERE.
A POUND.
LET'S SEE YOUR MONEY.
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU'LL BE SORRY.
SMART KID.
( ringing ) THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
SHERIDAN! HOW PSYCHIC OF YOU TO RING MOMMY.
DADDY AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT YOUR SPOTS EARLY YESTERDAY.
- NO MORE MONEY THIS MONTH.
- HMM? AND MOMMY'S BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU AGAIN THIS MORNING.
I WAS CLEARING OU A DRAWER, AND I FOUND YOUR FIRS LITTLE SEWING KIT.
IT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MOMMY'S EYE.
IT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MINE.
I SA ON THE DAMN THING.
NOW YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE CAUGHT US, DEAR.
WE'LL SOON BE OFF FOR OUR WALK, YES, WE GO EVERY DAY NOW.
MMM.
MOMMY'S ON NODDING TERMS WITH A "PROCTOR'S PICKLE.
" YES, A MRS.
DONAHUE.
HER FATHER'S VERY BIG IN CONDIMENT CIRCLES.
"ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OVER £10.
" OH, RICHARD! I'M SORRY, DEAR.
THERE'S AN INTERFERENCE ON THE LINE.
NOW I'M AFRAID YOU'VE CAUGHT MOMMY WHEN SHE'S VERY DISAPPOINTED.
IT'S THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL THIS EVENING, AND I WANTED TO GO AS MARIE ANTOINETTE, BUT DADDY COULDN'T GE THE COSTUME.
WELL, I HAD TO TAKE WHAT THEY'D GOT LEFT! I'M SORRY, DEAR.
THERE'S ANOTHER GREMLIN ON THE LINE.
WHAT'RE YOU DOING, LIZ? I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE GARDEN.
NO, NOT YET.
I WANT TO SEE HYACINTH IN COSTUME.
WHAT ARE THEY GOING AS? SHE WON'T SAY.
IT'S NO MARIE ANTOINETTE-- I'VE GATHERED THAT MUCH.
ALL SHE NEEDS IS A CRUFT'S FIRST PRIZE ROSETTE AND SHE COULD GO AS SUPREME LADY CHAMPION.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THOSE.
OH, EMMET! QUICK, QUICK! THEY'RE GETTING IN THE CAR! GOOD HEAVENS! OH, I WOULDN' HAVE MISSED THA FOR THE WORLD.
Hyacinth: I FEEL RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE IN THIS COSTUME, RICHARD.
Richard: YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE WHAT THEY HAD.
- IT WAS THESE OR NOTHING.
- ( engine sputtering ) Hyacinth: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DEAR? Richard: I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.
IT'S DOING IT ALL BY ITSELF.
( engine sputtering ) RICHARD, HOW CAN YOU BREAK DOWN ON ME LIKE THIS? ( car backfires ) HELLO, ROSE.
YOU'VE JUST MISSED HYACINTH.
THEY LEFT FOR THE TOWN HALL.
YOU'LL CATCH THEM IF YOU HURRY.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S WORTH THE EFFORT.
I DID WANT HER TO MEET MY FRIEND, MISTER "WHATSIT.
" MRS.
BUCKET? IT'S "BOUQUET," MRS.
DONAHUE.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY HUSBAND? RICHARD, COME AND MEE MRS.
DONAHUE.
HOW DO YOU DO? WELL I REALLY CAN' STAY OUT HERE ALL EVENING.
I THINK I CAN HEAR MY TELEPHONE.
I'LL CALL YOU, MRS.
DONAHUE.
I DO HOPE YOU'LL GRACE ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
IS QUEEN BOADICEA HAVING TROUBLE WITH HER CHARIOT? DO PUT A JACKET ON, ONSLOW.
YOU'RE BEING OBSERVED BY A "PROCTOR'S PICKLE.
" ( backfires ) THANKS FOR THE LIFT, ONSLOW.
I'M SORRY YOU CAN'T STOP.
YOU'VE HARDLY SAID A WORD TO "MR.
WHATSIT.
" SHE SAID A WORD TO ME.
I DON'T THINK IT WAS ANCIENT BRIT.
YOUR WORSHIP.
( blasts ) OH, YOUR WORSHIP.
I WAS HOPING TO SPEAK WITH YOU ABOUT A LITTLE FUNCTION I SHALL BE HOLDING.
JUST A FEW FRIENDS OF THE RIGH SOCIO-ECONOMIC BALANCE.
OH, I KNOW! HOME, RICHARD.
I WILL NOT SHARE MY THRONE WITH THOSE IMPOSTORS.
( theme music playing )