Key and Peele (2012) s05e02 Episode Script

This is Joey Blunts in the morning.
Yo, Joey Blunts here, 101.
3 KBeats Yo, hey, everybody, man.
We still tripping on that last segment - That was crazy! - Wardrobe malfunction.
Y'all are crazy.
I can't tell you no more.
Like, y'all dirty, but she's crazy.
- Would you do that, Meatball? - Look, man I grew up in the hood, all right? So, no.
No, he would want to, but he can't do it 'cause of that fat ass.
Oh! Why y'all always clowning on Meatball? Meatball! - You brought it up.
- For real, though.
You're a lesser person.
Y'all got Y'all two got to stop playing.
- Meatball! - Lady J with me here, Meatball.
- Meatball.
- This is top of the hour.
I'm Joey Blunts.
We'll be right back.
- Whoo! - Meatball.
How do I stay so young? I don't.
Your skin deserves the best.
And so do you.
Try our new rejuvenating formula.
One thing is for sure KBeats 101.
3.
Meatball, Meatball! Crazy crazy Does is crazy Make up for adjustment You jammin' on the verse First one's planned that you want to do All I want But I don't need you So, dude, I swear to God, man.
Stewardesses Be looking hot to me.
I don't care how old, what shape.
I'm just like, let's - Let's go.
- Du Let's go.
- Let's go.
- I'll meet you at the toilet.
Bring me an Advil and some ginger ale.
"Can I get you anything else?" Yeah, you can.
I've had One time, I had, like, a sinus infection when the plane was coming down, and shit, this one My girl was just like "I know.
I know.
I'm so sorry, babe.
" She was like, "I know.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
" Okay, all right.
He's disgusting.
Bernard? He's disgusting.
He's not even flight crew.
He's an airplane technician.
I mean, come on.
That's it And he talks too much.
That's why I like you.
You don't talk.
You just listen.
It's good.
Okay.
And the captain has turned on the "fasten seat belt" sign.
Got a little turbulence coming up.
Should be no problem.
Just remain in your seat until the sign is turned off.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Okay.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Hi, excuse me.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I'm gonna need you to take your seat.
The "fasten seat belt" sign is on.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom for a second.
- I'll be right back, okay? - Yeah, yeah.
I understand what you want to do.
Unfortunately, I'm gonna need you to observe the "fasten seat belt" sign.
That'd be much appreciated.
Right, it's just, I read on the Internet that it's not against the law for me to go to the bathroom while the "fasten seat belt" sign is on, so "Seat belt" sign is on.
But is it against the law, though? The light is on.
Is it against the law? You see that there's a picture of a seat belt on that sign.
I know, but is it against the law, though? The "fasten seat belt" sign is on.
- But is it against the law, though? - Sir.
- But is it against the law? - "Seatbelt" sign is on.
- But is it against the law? - "Seat belt" sign.
- But is it against the law? - It's on.
- Law.
- "Seat belt" sign is on.
- Legal.
- "Seat belt" sign is on.
- Lawful.
- "Seat belt" sign is on.
- Sir, you're being difficult.
- Law.
- You're being very difficult.
- Law, law, law.
- Seat belt, seat belt, okay.
- Law, not illegal, not illegal.
Legal.
- Fasten - Legal.
- Fasten your seat - Legal.
- Sir.
- I have to piss.
And I have to shit in the toilet.
Can you lower your voice? I have to piss, and I have to shit.
Okay, lower your intensity.
You're louder than me.
- You're yelling in my face.
- You're um Sir, you're the one who I think needs to tone it down right now.
You are screaming at me.
You're hurting my eardrums.
That wasn't a word.
You're not saying a word there.
This is a word.
- That's not - That's a word.
That's not a word.
That's a tongue trick.
Okay, sir.
Sir, sir.
- If you would like to - I would not like to.
I would not like to sit down.
What I'd like to do is go take a shit in the bathroom.
Because It's not Against The law So I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Okay? Mark With a K.
Argh! And your captain has turned off the "fasten seat belt" sign.
Feel free to move around the cabin.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Ding! Wow.
Good to see you, old boy.
- Yes.
- How was Kenya? I love Kenya.
Absolutely adore the place.
You know, it's so important - to protect them, you know - Oh, yes.
The few untouched tribes left.
- Indeed.
- Yes.
And while we're on the subject, I've got something of a confession to make.
Oh, dear.
While I was down there, I caught the attention of a young Maasai woman.
- You didn't.
- She took me for an exotic, sophisticated superman of sorts and developed something of a liking to me.
Well, isn't that always the way? Yes, it is.
And it's quite awful, Gerald.
She came down to my hut wearing nothing but a fertility headdress And carrying a husband stick, and, oh, I had to participate in the customs.
Well, you'd be morally irresponsible if you did not participate in the custom.
You could destroy their entire social structure.
Oh, I felt so terrible about it.
Of course you did, Gerald.
- I felt terrible seven times.
- Oh, dreadful.
But, you know, Gerald, I, too, have a confession.
- Do tell.
- Remember several years ago when I went to the Amazon? - Yes.
- Yes.
Well, I accidentally packed a lighter in my satchel.
Oh, my.
Yes, well, one day, I absentmindedly lit the flint, and the entire village took me for a god.
- Oh, no.
- Yes.
Every sundown, as I was being fellated by all the young women of the village, which is the local custom, I felt completely embarrassed by the entire affair.
I can only imagine in some vivid detail, but you can't deny the local custom.
You absolutely cannot deny the local customs.
You can't deny the local customs.
One thing you must do is adhere to the local customs.
You must adhere to the local customs.
You must adhere to the local customs.
- Local customs must not be denied! - Do the local customs.
It's, oh, the least one can do.
It all reminds me of the time I was in Papua New Guinea and I introduced the local tribe to the French term ménage à trois.
After that evening, a couple of the local men called me, "Papua.
" Oh, dear.
Whoops-a-daisy! Whoops-a-daisy, indeed.
It's getting harder and harder to protect the local tribes from the influence of the outside civilization.
I know exactly what you mean, old boy, exactly.
And I must confess that the last time - I was deep in the bush in Australia - Yes? I ended up deep in bush in Australia.
Boo-yah.
Well, where are you off to now, old boy? I'm off to Tanzania.
Tanzania, make sure that you go during an eclipse, because then everyone will want to have sex with you.
Mmm.
Hmm.
Regrettably.
Do you think you are Do you think you are a sexist? Um, uh Much to my chagrin, yes, I am.
- You are.
- I am.
I try not to be, but I am.
- And that's good that you know that.
- Oh, yeah.
'Cause I'm If anything, I'm sexist against men.
We sexualize women As soon as possible.
It's the first thing we do.
I took a women's studies class in college, and we were in a discussion - with the professor - I know, I know Ah, you got in a woman's studies class, dog.
No, no, no, Jordan.
I know what you're doing, dog.
Yeah.
- Get a little extracurriculars.
- Oh, my God.
We gots to do uh"Anybody wanna work "on this project at my house afterwards?" That's some nice shit, dog.
What if we told y'all that once a month, half the human race is in pain? And The other half Don't wanna hear shit about it? - I'm Shaboots Michaels! - I'm T-Ray Tombstone! Welcome to Menstruation Orientation! Oh, no, you don't.
Now, we know you don't want to hear about it.
But they don't wanna have it, so sit your ass down and listen for once in your life.
Today we're gonna talk to all you men about what happens to your women when they're on their periods and why it's important to Be sensitive to that shit.
Don't say "chillax," "relax," "calm down," and "how come?" Don't say "ass," "fat," "grumpy," or "cranky.
" They ain't cranky.
They got blood coming out of their vaginas, y'all! That's some biblical plague shit, y'all! That would be like once a month if you had locusts flying out of your dick for a week! Your ass wouldn't be cranky.
Your ass would be like Oh, fuck! My dick! So be nice to your bitches when they bleeding! If you ain't getting 'em shit Get the fuck out they way! - They got cramps! - They got headaches.
They got weight gain! And every time they pee, it's like The Shining in the toilet.
- Be supportive.
- Be empathetic.
But whatever you do Do not try to solve it! Don't even bring that shit up! When women be hanging out together, their periods will sync up.
Vaginas be communicating.
They got their own vagina language.
Talking about If you find yourself around a group of women and they all have a backache Back away slowly.
What's that in your pocket there, Shaboots? Recognize this, motherfuckers? That ain't space dynamite.
That's a tampon.
Learn what your bitch has to go through.
First, you put this piece in your vagina! Then you push this part into the first piece! Then you throw this part away! Do that several times a day for a week every goddamn month! It's the worst thing ever, all the time! It's much worse for them than it is for you to hear about it.
Them periods is important.
That's how the body gets rid of the old eggs so it can cook up them new ones.
So listen to what's going on with your female emotionally and Get your bitch some chocolate! Don't call her a bitch, but Get your bitch some chocolate! Chocolate.
Chocolate! It's weird being in a relationship this long, when you start to go on, like Double dates with other couples.
Mmm-hmm.
I'll go an entire night and not even realize that my girlfriend - hated this bitch.
- Right.
I'll be like, "Oh," 'cause there was a whole subplot.
I feel like I've been in that situation before.
I'll tell you, I had one situation where there was a guy that I ended up I'm gonna just be straight I'm gonna be straight about it.
I'm like, "This dude seems pretty interested "in what I do for a living.
"I don't give a fuck.
" Oh, shit.
"About what he does for a living.
" Oh, shit.
"I don't want to hear about actuarial tables.
" Calling him off.
There's no way that he can win.
No.
Mmm-mmm, no.
So, anyway, um What did you think of the season finale, Game of Thrones? Right? - That was - No, no, no.
I'm reading the books.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
And he reads slow.
- We can never talk about it.
- You're in trouble.
We're never gonna talk about it.
Okay.
- Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
Hey, has anybody seen that new Russell Crowe thriller? 'Cause let me tell Ah.
Sorry, it's just We're going tomorrow, and I don't want to know - a thing about it.
- She's Doesn't want to know a thing.
- Got you.
Okay, all right.
- Sure, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
How Who won the game? That I'm I'm gonna watch it later.
- Oh, you're - Oh, you have a DVR? - I got it - Sorry, okay.
Mum's the word.
- Yeah.
- So - So - Yeah.
What's the weather gonna be like this Sorry, it's uh We're having a barbecue this weekend, and I don't want to stress about the weather - No, of course you don't.
- We just Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, yeah.
This three-bean casserole is I'm so sorry, babe.
I just - I hadn't tasted them yet.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Really looking forward to it.
You know? Don't talk about the ingredients, I know.
Yeah.
It's a surprise for your mouth.
- Yeah.
- Really.
Oh, uh You know that commercial with Okay, never Oh.
Okay.
Never mind.
- It's probably best.
- Yeah.
Oh.
No, it's fine.
Cheesecake.
- What? - Eh? We got cheesecake.
- I mean - Oh, yeah.
No, I'd love some cheesecake.
- Let's do that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay, cheesecake.
I mean, I've been watching my cholesterol intake, but what the hell, right? We're all gonna die someday anyway, right? - What? - Honey.
- Wow.
- Come on.
Are you kidding me? You just ruin it every time! I'll see you at home.
- But wait a second.
- So rude! Now, how would you not know that that was taking place? Father, please hear our prayer for the poor.
Thank you, Father.
Yes.
We beseech You for the disenfranchised, the less fortunate, and those that suffer.
Yes.
Show us Your will so we can continue to do Your work.
Yes.
I've come to answer your prayers.
Listen carefully to my instructions.
Hallelujah! Thank you so much.
I want you to sell everything you own And immediately begin service to the poor.
Just want to clarify.
Um So, everything? Yes.
Rid yourself of all earthly possessions.
Oh, shit! This house is haunted! It's a ghost! Go, go, go, go, go! It's Insidious.
Oh I see what they did there.
Is there any religion where you literally I mean, the ceremony is just, like, five seconds Once a month.
You hit it, and you're just like "I'm good for two months.
" That's the other thing.
You can stockpile them.
You do a bunch in a row? - Do a bunch in a row.
- Stockpile them.
Like, if I spent a day just doing Never have to do it again.
Done, you're set.
Buddy, you might've worked something out there.
This is how I think you could get some followers there.
I think so too.
I'm gonna just keep going to jerk churches and dancing around and screaming.
I'll do that.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.
Cheers, John O'Rourke.
Not bad for an Irishman - Dirty Irishman.
- Dirty Irishman.
Hey He's a He came at me like a goddamn troll.
Or an Irishman.
Irishman, troll Synonymous!