Live at The Apollo (2004) s05e02 Episode Script

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Rob Brydon.
Hello! Hello, Hammersmith.
What an audience.
Wow, this audience is jam-packed with celebrities.
Where have we got, there he is Craig Revel Horwood.
Craig recently had an autobiography out, what a colourful life, mostly orange but nonetheless.
And also where's Rachel Stevens? Hello Rachel, Rachel Stevens is here, ladies and gentlemen, how about that? Rachel, of course, once won the title rear of the year.
Yes, she did, rear of the year.
Not unlike an award, rear of the year, not unlike the award that you won Craig, two years running, arse of the century.
Wow.
Alison Steadman is here.
Alison, I loved you in Nuts in May, I did.
Yes, yes, and who'd have thought an actress of your standing would be willing to get them out for a lad's mag.
She was in Nuts in May, did you not see it? She's doing Loaded for December as well.
I'm joking, of course.
Oh, it's lovely to be here, it really is.
I, myself am very excited.
I recently became a father again.
CHEERING Thank you.
For the fourth time.
Oh, yes, oh, yes.
Now, because I'd already had children I was determined not to fall into the traps that new parents have.
The risk of the false alarm.
Now, this is when a lady gets towards her due date and she gets a little twinge and she thinks the baby might be coming.
She goes to the hospital only to be told it's wind.
I didn't want my wife running off to the hospital, in fairness I should have given her lift, only to be told, only to be told, that it was wind.
So, whenever she'd have a little twinge, I'd say "darling, don't worry, relax.
" Now, with hindsight that was a bad idea.
Nine days before the due date she woke up, she sat on the edge of the bed, she went "Aargh, ooh, ooh, eeeh, eeeh, ohh, ohh.
" I could barely hear the television.
She said "I think it might be today.
" Now, this was terrible news for me because I'm a big golfer and this was a day I'd had in the diary for some time.
I was going to play golf, on this day, with Ronnie Corbett.
I know, it's true, this is a true story.
That's not the sort of thing you scrub out of a diary on a whim, is it? So, I said "look let's just see how it goes.
" But, if anything, by lunch time it had got worse.
And come midday she actually turned to me and she said "Rob" she said, "I don't think you should go.
" Unbelievable.
I didn't know what to do.
I'm not a cold hearted man.
So, I stood there and I was torn, should I stay or should I go? It was a moral dilemma.
So, what I did was this.
I asked myself a question I often ask at times of moral dilemma, "What would Rod Stewart do?" So, there we were on the 14th.
We had a cracking afternoon's golf, we really had.
Ronnie was on fire.
We'd been out there for a few hours and I turned my mobile back on and sure enough there's a message from my wife.
She says "Oh, my God "get home it's started, I've gone into labour.
" Well, I get home, all hell has broken loose.
My wife is in the front room, with the midwife.
It's the television room.
And she's on all fours, right.
It's a Sony 42 inch plasma.
And she's sweating.
She's "arggh its too big, its too big, get it out.
" She wasn't saying that during the conception.
Oh, she's in a hell of a state, she's very uncomfortable.
And the midwife takes me to one side and she says "Mr Brydon", because I insist on that.
She says "Mr Brydon, I've examined your wife, "she's already 8cm dilated, there's no way we'll get to hospital.
"We're going to have to have the baby here.
" Well, this was scary, a home birth, no pain relief you see with a home birth, oh, no, I would have absolutely nothing.
And its different, a home birth is different, you don't lie on your back, you give birth like a mammal.
You give birth on all fours like a bear, very naturally.
And when a child is born this way, the first thing to When a child is born.
Johnny Mathis there.
A ray of hope Flickers in the sky.
Who'd have thought it.
When a child is born that way the first thing to appear is the head.
So, picture my wife, OK, there she is, "Aarggh.
" All across the land Dawns a brand new morn This comes to pass When a child is born.
Now, he didn't do that, he didn't wave his head around like that, OK? I'm just doing that so you can see.
I mean, my God, if he'd done that it would have been horrific.
That didn't happen.
That didn't happen.
But what does happen is the head just hangs there and your wife is there with a little human head hanging between her legs.
A tiny miniature human head.
It's the most horrific thing you'll ever see.
But you can't look away.
She had a tiny human head there.
She had a head there, she had a head here.
She looked like a playing card.
And I'm terrified.
Oh, I'm terrified, I don't know what to do and he looked angry as well.
His face was all scrunched up, he was livid.
I mean, to this day we can't be sure what it was but something had rubbed him up the wrong way in there.
He's just hanging there between her legs looking in the opposite direction.
He looked like a rear gunner.
And I'm terrified, I'm freaking out now.
Now, Alison, here's the thing, you'll love this.
I had said to the midwife, and this is a bit soppy, I'd said I wanted to be the first person to hold our baby.
I wanted to be the first one to make flesh on flesh contact.
I wanted to bond.
It sounds silly but I was hoping for a sort of a Lion King moment.
SINGS OPENING PHRASE OF THE LION KING That's what I wanted.
And if that had gone well.
Hakuna matata.
But I'm freaking out.
So, the head hangs there for about ten, 12 minutes finally the midwife says "it's almost here, its time, if your wife gives one more push, he'll arrive.
" So, my wife went, "urggh," baby went, whoosh.
I I put the TV to mute.
And I leapt across the front room.
And I caught him and I was the first person to make contact with our son, he was a little boy, and he was there in my hands all warm and new and it was one of the most overwhelming things you will ever do.
And I tell you now, I was in pieces, I was in floods of tears, my wife was crying, the midwife was crying, and your mind just becomes a mush.
I mean to this day I can't explain why I did, .
.
what I did, next.
It was so emotional.
Maybe it's because I'm Welsh, I don't know, but I went.
But thank God we hadn't cut the cord.
He shot back.
It was junior bungee.
He ended up lying on the floor .
.
with all this umbilical cord snaking around the room back to his mother, yards of it.
I thought what the hell do we do now? I needn't have worried, calm as a cucumber, the midwife walked over to my wife, she puts her left foot on my wife's right foot and pressed hard and just like a hoover the cord went.
.
pssst And that's why we called him Henry.
Well, ladies and gentlemen let's bring on our first guest.
This is a brilliant comedian, last year won Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Festival.
I love her, I know you will.
Please give a massive Apollo welcome to the superb Sarah Millican.
Hello.
How exciting is this? Are you all having a good night? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Good.
I went out a few weeks ago with a friend of mine who's got a really dodgy husband and I was really ill the next day and I'd only had two glasses of wine.
And I rang her and said "I've got no idea why I'm this ill" and she said "Oh, that'll be Steve he will have spiked your drink.
" I said "really?" She said "Oh, yeah, he spiked mine once with speed, "but I didn't mind so much because I got loads of hoovering done.
" I'll tell you about me.
I live on my own.
When I first decided to live on my own I was talking to my mum and dad.
They don't understand why anybody would want to live on their own.
My mum said "People only live on their own if they've got no friends and nobody loves them.
" Cheers, Mum.
And then my dad made me look up the word hermit in a dictionary.
But he did give me good advice when I was looking for flats.
He said "I don't think you should get one that's got a balcony.
" "What with living on your own there will be a high suicide risk.
" I wonder if I should bear that in mind when I'm viewing properties, you know, is that oven gas or electric? Is that light fitting really strong, will it hold a decent weight? Nine stone? Shut up, ten stone and a half.
And another bloody half.
I went to a friend of mine's recently she said "come round and I'll cook all your favourite food" and I thought what a lovely thing to do for somebody.
So, of course I went round and we had a lovely time.
She cooked all my favourite food and then about three hours later we're sitting on the sofa and out of nowhere she just went "I don't think my lady parts look like other girls' lady parts".
What am I supposed to do with that? I realised then that the whole night had been a ploy, favourite foods my arse, come and look at my fanny.
I said I'm not looking at it, I'm not looking at it.
But if you draw it on a bit of paper I'll have a look at that.
So, she drew it on a bit of paper and I drew mine as well and they were quite similar so she was happier.
She said mine was tidier.
I don't really know what that means but I know I definitely don't want to look at her's now that I know it's messy.
But it could have been worse, we could have just put some paint on and done a potato print.
I've developed a new hobby, some of you probably already do this.
I've started listening in to people's conversations on the bus and the train, it's entertaining.
And I was listening not long ago to two old ladies and they were talking about what they would do if they were men for a day, and I thought this is going to be brilliant because pensioners are by definition bonkers.
But I went out to lunch with a couple of my friends and I thought I'd ask them the same question.
So, my first friend, I said "what would you do if you were a man for a day" and without thinking she just went "I'd have a wank.
" Sounded like she needed to, she sounded awfully tense.
But these old ladies, different generation, in their 80s and one of them just said "Edith, what would you do if you were a man for a day?" The other one said, "Knowing my luck, I'd get a Tuesday and what can you do on a Tuesday?" My second friend I said, "what would you do if you were a man for a day?" She just said "I'd just do everything.
" And I thought she meant in a sexual way and I said "is that what you mean "you'd just do everything, is that what you mean?" She went "No, no, just all the little jobs round the house.
" But I've been trying to go on a diet, I'm not really very successful.
But I find that when I go shopping and I can't get into things, you know when you try clothes on and you are the size you weren't expecting to be.
I just come home and I put on a song and the song is Big Girls Don't Cry, you know the song, there's a couple of versions of it, Big Girls Don't Cry.
Such a load of rubbish that isn't it? Big girls don't cry, yeah they do.
They cry because they're fat, they can't get a boyfriend and because there's no trifle left.
Now, I was on holiday in Spain last year, I'm bragging I know.
And, outside the hotel there was a lovely pool and I wanted to go in the pool, of course I did, but I'm not overly confident with my figure in a swimming costume and I was watching the women walking in the pool.
These were like tiny, you know these wafer thin tiny women and I thought I'm not going to walk in with one of them, if I walk in with one of them people are going to think I've bloody eaten one.
And I wouldn't anyway because there's no meat on them.
So, I decided instead to walk in with the children because kids are all really fat these days, aren't they? If I walk in the same time as a nine year old boy who's got bigger tits than me, nobody's looking at me any more.
Like I say I don't have kids and most of my friends don't have kids but I think if you ask any woman who doesn't have kids what would worry them about having kids, would always be childbirth.
It's quite a reasonable thing to worry about.
From what I understand it changes your downstairs, doesn't it? It changes your downstairs.
I quite like my downstairs the way it is, thanks very much, certainly don't want a bloody extension.
But its bound to change, isn't it? Because you're forcing a person out, that's what you're doing, you're forcing a person out.
I've never forced a person out, I've forced a couple in.
With a shoe horn.
No, it was just me thumb.
You've been an absolute delight of an audience, let me leave you with one, oh.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Let me leave you on one final thing, most generous of you thank you, let me leave you on one final thing, somebody recently noticed I have developed something of a cake shelf.
It's bigger than a muffin top so I call it my cake shelf.
I call it my cake shelf because that's where I keep my cake.
Somebody said to me recently, "are you pregnant?" ohh, I said "only if I've been shagged by Mr Kipling" And yes, it was exceedingly good.
You've been amazing, thank you very much, good night.
Sarah Millican.
The brilliant Sarah Millican.
OK, would you like some more? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I'll take that as a yes.
Next up, one of Ireland's favourite sons with an amazing 12 Edinburgh shows under his belt.
He's seen 12 Edinburgh shows.
One of the most popular comics on the circuit and a lovely man as well, go absolutely crazy it is Jason Byrne.
Hello.
Yeah, it's really good to be in Britain, it's great to be in a place which is as miserable as Ireland, fantastic.
I come from an Irish background from the 70s and 80s.
I was a really weird looking little kid.
I also had a special eye, or a lazy eye, or a bung eye, or, as I found out in Scotland, a cock eye.
That's what I had and I had huge glasses to magnify the special eye.
Just in case children from a distance couldn't see the special eye.
And what do the doctors do they put a patch over my good eye.
I spent half my childhood banging into shit.
I couldn't see anything.
And the boys were quite rough when I was a kid, I used to stand with the girls when the guys were on a swing.
There's loads of young people here, I'm not too sure if you know what a swing is.
A stick and a rope, real recession times, real recession times.
Not like the recession we're in now.
Oh, I can't go on my third holiday, oh, really can you not? You want to be when I was a kid, sitting in a puddle with your best friend.
With my special eye.
Are you enjoying the puddle, Dermot? Yes, I am enjoying the puddle isn't it fun? The blokes built a swing I couldn't get on because I was too scared of breaking my special eye.
It was dangerous, it was like off a 20 foot drop from a tree right down into a dried river bed and over here there was like dead rats, barbed wire, tramps and some petrol for setting fire.
It had to kill you.
That was the rules.
I just stood with the girls with my special eye, just watching it.
"Its dangerous, girls, isn't it? "I'll never get on that.
" Eventually after six months, "just get on it Byrne, just get on it.
" So, I went "right I will, I will get on that swing and enjoy myself.
" And I got up into the tree and I stood on that branch and they swung up the rope and I couldn't catch it because I was seeing two ropes with my special eye.
"I can't get it lads, bring it up.
" One of them had to bring it up, put the stick between my legs, hold me up like this on the branch.
There was guys on the ground going, "is he up there, is he up there?" "Yeah, yeah you can just see his testicles either side of the rope.
" "And the special eye just sticking out the edge there.
" And they let go of me, oh, my God I felt amazing.
I swung across, "yeah, I'm free" and on the third swing, this is no shit, the thing snapped on me.
And me and my special eye into the bushes upside down.
The kids asked me was I OK, I wasn't OK.
I'd hurt my coccyx, I was in bits.
So, now I had to walk home, my coccyx sprained or broken, I didn't know.
My special eye, my patch and my huge glasses.
Tyring to find the road, going "I'm OK, I'll find the road, I'm OK, I'm OK, I'll find the road.
" Got to the edge of the road, this is no messing, got to the edge of the road and I checked the road.
I went "there's no cars that way and there's no cars that way, special eye says to go ahead.
" And I went out and the minute I stood on the road, a car hit me on the hip.
On the hip, this is no joke, spun me up in the air, I did a somersault, landed on the bonnet, spun off, landed on the ground and stood up and just kept walking.
I didn't even know I was knocked down.
I thought my special eye was having an epileptic fit in my head.
"Jesus that was weird.
" The guy in the car was in more shock than I was.
He reversed up, right reversed up, leaned over, wound down the window, wound it down young people, he wound it down.
He leaned across and wound it down, not the master switch, he leaned across with his huge arm and wound it down and the window came down like this and then fell into the door.
And he looked out at me and he went "I just knocked you down son, are you OK?" And I remember looking up with my special eye and just going "I'm not allowed to talk to strangers.
" And walked on! But this is the thing all that time I got knocked down, I got knocked out by a basketball, all these things happened to me but I never really broke anything, never.
And all you young people you take heed of this, until I was 36 that's when I realised I was old and this was when I ripped the cartilage in my knee.
I couldn't believe it.
I needed a quick poo, this is no messing, I ran into the toilet, pulled my trousers down, bent down too quickly and my knee fell off.
No, bungee jumping, parachute stories for the grandchildren.
"What happened to granddad's knee?" "Oh, he was having a shit and it fell off.
" And when you have a shit like that and you break your knee, especially the cartilage, your knee locks, it locks.
I was stuck on the toilet with my trousers halfway down.
I couldn't get up.
I had to call my wife.
Now, I'm with my wife 12 years, it doesn't matter what she sees any more the hate in our marriage couldn't get any bigger.
I had to call my wife, "Brenda!" She came, opened the door, looked at me and went "What?" "I've broken my knee having a shit.
" She looked at me, my loving wife and went, "you idiot!" "I haven't got time for this I've got dinner on.
" But I was stuck on the toilet.
"You'll have to help me up.
" So, she put her arms around me and she went to lift me up.
"You'll have to do something else first.
" She went "I am not doing that.
" So, this is what she did to me instead, she held me off the toilet about an inch and shook me from side to side.
We didn't make love for at least four months after that.
Right, ladies and gentleman, goodbye, thanks very much Apollo.
Goodbye.
Wow! Jason Byrne.
Well, that's it for tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've had a good time.
Thanks to the lovely Sarah Millican and the fantastic Jason Byrne.
This has been Live at the Apollo, I'm Rob Brydon, good night.