Magnum, P.I. (1980) s05e02 Episode Script
Echoes of the Mind (2)
Diane? No.
Deirdre.
I'm her sister.
What sort of an estate are you running here? That's Magnum.
You'll get used to him.
Well, didn't Deirdre give you my message? Deirdre's here? I'm talking about the mental institution she was committed to for trying to murder me.
Did you ever try and kill her? No! Never.
I swear! You can't have known Diane very long, and already you're doubting her story.
I'll have to kill him, too.
No! No! Last week on part one of Echoes of the Mind.
You're not frightening me, Deirdre.
I'm not trying to, sister darling.
Oh, yes, you are.
You always are.
Deirdre! Michelle? Uh, no.
I'm sorry.
You're obviously expecting someone else.
No, you're the one I was waiting for.
Why'd you come to me? I just felt you were meant to help me.
Hi, dogs.
Kidnapped at five, a father who makes you take shooting lessons and keep a daily diary of suspicious persons.
Well, I'd say it'd be amazing if you and your sister weren't paranoid.
Deirdre's not paranoid.
Tell me more about her.
We may be identical twins, but we're not alike.
We've never dressed alike, thought alike or felt alike.
Why, Magnum.
You're falling in love.
I am not in love with her.
But I'm afraid I could be.
When I got my first look at Elizabeth, I swear to you, Magnum, that I knew that someday she'd be my wife.
Agatha, I have decided to marry.
I will! What? Well, Jonathan? Aren't you going to say aloha or some other quaint island expression? Of course.
Oh.
Aloha.
Excuse me, but we haven't been properly introduced.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Jonathan.
I thought you knew David Billingsworth.
An old friend.
How do you do? How do you do? And my solicitor.
Solicitor? Here to draw up the deed poll, old boy.
Whose deed poll? Yours.
She wants me to give up my title and become Lord Higgins-Ashley.
You, a lord? I'm already a Lord, Magnum.
The Baron of Perth.
She wants me to deed-poll my title because the Duke's title is more prestigious in the peerage.
But I won't do it.
Your phone is ringing.
Thomas, I think I've killed someone.
Diane, somebody broke in here and attacked you.
Please, Thomas, I don't want the publicity.
I'm not gonna let you stay here alone.
Then stay with me.
You think it possible that she imagined all this? I don't know.
Who is it? Jonathan.
Jonathan? What's wrong? May I come in? Of course.
Thank you.
Oh, I must be looking an awful fright.
You look perfectly fine.
Could we have a spot of tea? Of course.
We've known each other how long now? Nine-and-a-half years.
Really? They've been good years, haven't they? Oh, yes.
The polo matches.
The butterfly expeditions.
The theater.
They've been the happiest years of my life.
And the future ones will be even happier.
More complete.
That's what I've come to talk about.
Our wedding? Agatha, you know how important our friendship is to me We'll still be friends, Jonathan.
and that I would never knowingly do anything to hurt you.
Nor I you, my dear.
Damn it.
What? Did I ever tell you about Lieutenant Smythe? The one who was eaten by a tiger? No, that was Lieutenant Freebairn Smith.
Smythe was a young officer with our regiment in Kenya, in the '50s.
Joined up after his sweetheart eloped with an officer from the Highland Fusiliers.
I've always said the Fusiliers were interlopers.
How sad.
Yes.
Well There was a young girl on the post, Penelope Gridley, the adjutant's daughter.
She and Lieutenant Smythe took to seeing each other.
Nothing romantic, mind you.
Just good friends.
They went to the regimental soirees together, rode on hunts, collected butterflies.
Anyway, it was around the time of the Queen's birthday, as I recall, that Lieutenant Smythe received a letter from his old sweetheart informing him that her husband had been killed in a climbing accident in the Himalayas.
Naturally, he wrote back.
One letter led to another, and before he knew it, he'd proposed, and she accepted by return post.
Of course, he had to tell Penny, but when he faced her he found he couldn't.
She learned of his impending marriage through some wives gossiping at a bridge party, I wouldn't want that to happen to you.
Jonathan, when you said you'd decided to marry, it wasn't me? No.
Lady Ashley.
Of course.
Oh, what a silly ninny you must think I am.
Not at all.
I think you're the most wonderful lady I've ever known.
But not the lady that you're going to marry.
Agatha, I Pot's boiling.
I've got some nice new herbal tea from Malaya I think you'll enjoy.
I'll just be a moment.
What's wrong with the Fire Goddess of Pele? Nothing, if you're into kinky pyrotechnics.
Hey, look, this is Higgins' bachelor party, not Magnum's.
Hey, look, would you get that five-eighths socket wrench for me, please? Boy, that was some party.
Remember? Yeah.
Saigon in the summer.
All the Vietnamese and French food you can eat, and all the champagne you can drink, and those Thai dancing girls.
Whoa! Yeah, I'll never forget it.
Especially when that naked chick popped out of that dragon's head, firing that AK-47 all over the place.
How was I supposed to know she was VC when I hired her? Look, Orville, Higgins is from the old school, so he should have an old-school type bachelor party, not one with twins with flaming tassels twirling all over their Oh Oh, cute.
You almost bought yourself a $300 cashmere sweater.
I'm sorry.
Would you mind answering the phone for me, please? Island Hoppers.
- Hi, Rick.
Hey, Thomas.
We were just talking about your bachelor party in Saigon.
You remember? How could I forget? It's probably the only bachelor party in history where the best man ended up with a Purple Heart.
You guys will never forgive me for that, will you? Let me talk to T.
C.
Okay.
T.
C.
Thomas.
I'm busy.
He's busy.
This is important.
It's important.
T.
C: It's always important.
No.
It's always important.
No.
Well, tell him I'll pay him the gas money I owe him.
He says he'll pay you the gas money he owes you.
No.
No.
You said no before he did.
Thomas, what is it that you need? Well, I want him to get the passenger list from U.
A.
Flight 119 that arrived yesterday.
How's T.
C.
Supposed to get a passenger Gloria.
Well, I thought he could ask her, but if he won't even come to the phone Um What if I can get him to ask her for you? Well, then I'd owe you, buddy.
Yeah? Two tickets to the Lionel Richie concert? Rick, I've only got two tickets.
They're the best seats in the house.
Rick, the concert's sold out.
This is blackmail.
I know.
Well, do we have a deal? Yes.
Thank you.
What ever happened to favors for friends? Diane? Diane? Diane? Hey.
I woke up and you disappeared on me.
Diane? No.
Deirdre.
Oh.
Where's Diane? Out shopping, according to this.
I assume you're the Tom she wrote it to.
Oh, I'm Thomas Magnum.
When did you get here? A while ago.
I must say, Diane's taste is improving.
You're much healthier-Iooking than the others.
Where'd she find you? She hired me.
I'm a private investigator.
To do what? To protect her.
Let me guess.
Someone is following her, but she doesn't know who.
Or she hears footsteps, but nobody's there.
Or she's assaulted by a man, but no one can find him.
Which is it? Well, apparently somebody broke in here Apparently? You can't have known Diane very long, and already you're doubting her story.
Evidently, you have brains in addition to a body.
Scotch? No, thank you.
You're gonna need it.
Has she told you about the hospital? I know about the accident.
I'm not talking about that hospital.
I'm talking about the mental institution she was committed to for trying to murder me.
I told you you'd need that drink.
Let's start at the beginning.
Diane and I were kidnapped when we were five.
I hated it.
Everything Deirdre told me about the mental institutions Diane had been in and out of since she was six, of the four suicide attempts, how she twice tried to kill her own twin sister.
According to Deirdre, Diane was a paranoid hysteric who could be shy and innocent one moment, aggressive and sexy the next.
The more she told me, the more I hated it, because it all made sense.
I couldn't leave the stockholders' meeting until it was over.
And I didn't want to risk someone else bringing Diane home.
So no one knows Diane is in Hawaii but you? That's right.
How did you know? I didn't.
Not for certain.
But Diane always liked to escape here when she was troubled.
So, I took a chance.
Just like that? A busy businesswoman flies 5000 miles on a chance? She is my sister.
Yeah.
What flight you come in on? I don't remember.
Why? Doesn't Diane sit on the board of directors? Technically, but I run Dupres Fabrics.
And Diane's life? You know, I don't like these questions or your insinuations.
Why must you control Diane's life? I don't think you've been listening.
Diane has been mentally ill since we were kidnapped.
She couldn't take what they did to us.
It wasn't very pleasant.
But we can't all go to pieces, now, can we? Someone has to mind the store, so to speak, to be responsible.
In our family, that's me.
I've taken care of Diane since our father died when we were 10, and I intend to continue taking care of her, which brings me to the point of our little discussion.
Knowing Diane, she didn't even ask your rate.
However, I'll be willing to pay whatever's fair.
Diane hired me.
She'll have to fire me.
I understand.
You want a bonus.
How much? A thousand? Five? You seem awfully anxious to get rid of me, Deirdre.
What are you afraid of? Nothing.
But you won't believe that until you're satisfied I'm telling the truth.
So, check it out for yourself.
I'll be happy to give you the names of the doctors and the hospital.
Or better yet, ask Diane.
Oh, by the way, a rather well-built Hawaiian dropped a Ferrari off for you while you were asleep.
You must be very good at what you do.
I don't know, man.
She is some tough lady.
It's not my problem.
You either get that passenger list from her or you give me Who won? Who do you think? That's one thing I like about you, T.
C.
Indomitable in defeat, insufferable in victory.
Hey, you know, I was thinking about that passenger list No.
Why not? Because I could lose my job.
Oh, come on, they're not gonna fire you.
You're just a stew.
I am not a stew.
I'm a flight attendant.
And if I were a stew, I wouldn't be just a stew.
Come on, come on, you know what I mean.
Sometimes, Theodore Calvin, your mouth can put your life in real jeopardy.
You know, I like the way your eyes get when you get angry.
Come on, honey.
Don't "honey" me.
Gloria, we're not talking a breach of national security.
I'm just asking for a passenger list Shh! of a bunch of passengers that are already here.
It is a federal offense to give out a passenger list.
Besides, rules are rules.
They're made for a reason.
So, you're refusing me.
Uh-huh, he understands.
Mahi-mahi's ready.
Oh, great! You know, in England we'd have chips with our fish.
You're English.
You what? You mean, we've been together for six months and you've only just worked that out? I'll bet you've been to a bunch of English bachelor parties, right? What kind of girl do you think I am? No, I mean, you know how to throw a real English bachelor party.
Yeah.
Tell Orville how proper gentlemen throw a party for each other.
Oh, you mean like at Boodles or White? What's that? Very old private clubs.
You would like them.
No women allowed.
Well, what are these parties like? Well, they're very elegant affairs.
They're proper rowdy bashes is what they are.
They act like a bunch of schoolboys on holiday without a teacher, I was at one once.
How did you get in? Through a cake.
Popped up.
You know.
Oh, it was all proper.
I was dressed.
Well, sort of.
Sarah! How could you do something so chauvinistic? I was in love.
Did it for a boyfriend.
I got a terrible cold from all the champagne they kept squirting at me, squirting at me with water pistols.
I don't think I wanna hear any more of this.
I do.
You would.
Tell me more about the squirt guns.
Say, if she was willing to pop out of a birthday cake for her boyfriend No! Not even if I promise to Theodore.
Somehow Rick came up with the manifest, so I gave him the tickets.
But also I got him to promise to check on the Dupres family for me, especially on Deirdre.
Two tickets to a Lionel Richie concert should be worth more than just a flight manifest.
Of the 342 names, I recognized half-a-dozen or so.
A famous actress, a cookie maker, two US senators and a TVstar.
Sixty-six of the passengers were members of something called "The Buffalo Chips", and the rest I assumed were just tourists.
A typical flight from the mainland to paradise, only someone on that flight broke into Diane's home and tried to harm her.
At least that's what I wanted to believe.
Thomas.
Hi.
Why did you leave without telling me? Well, didn't Deirdre give you my message? Deirdre's here? Yeah, in your house.
Didn't you see her? Did she talk to you? Yes.
You don't believe her, do you? She lies about me.
Please, tell me you don't believe her.
I don't know.
Diane.
Diane.
Diane, wait a minute.
Just let me go.
I can't.
Not until we talk.
Either you believe Deirdre or you believe me.
You don't even know what she said.
Oh, yes, I do! She said I'm crazy.
That's what she tells every man who shows an interest in me.
All right, then answer me one question.
What? Did you ever attempt suicide? Yes, but she drove me to it.
Did you ever try and kill her? No! Never.
I swear! Never.
I believe you, Diane.
All I wanted was to hear it from you.
Jonathan.
What sort of an estate are you running here? Oh.
That's Magnum.
You'll get used to him.
Is he employed here? In a manner of speaking, he's a bit like The Man Who Came to Dinner.
Americans have such a vulgar way of displaying their affections in public.
Yes.
Don't they? The deed poll will, of course, have to be brought before the courts.
But I don't foresee any problems.
It isn't as if we're abdicating the throne, is it? Elizabeth, do you realize what you're asking me to relinquish? Well, of course, darling.
Your title.
But with your brothers and their children it's hardly likely you'll ever become duke, is it? Well, that's not the point.
It's not? Thank you, Mata.
No.
My family has been in the peerage for almost 800 years.
You're asking me to give up my heritage.
Yes, but Jonathan, it's not a title you ever use.
That's not the point either.
Forgive me, Jonathan.
What is the point? I want you to take my family name when we marry.
With respect, I don't think you quite understand, old boy.
Lady Ashley married into her title.
She may not retain her title should she remarry.
I know that, but she will still be a lady.
The Baroness of Perth.
But she's presently a Duchess.
The Duchess of Ashley.
They're not really the same, now, are they, Jonathan? Perhaps not, but Higgins is a name I'm proud of, proud enough to offer it to you.
Well, thank you, darling.
Yes, well, I'm sure that we can settle this, given a little time.
But let's not let it spoil our tea, shall we? Oh.
Herb tea.
How positively provincial.
Where did you get it? Malaya.
If you'll excuse me, I have some errands to run.
I'll be back in time for dinner.
Well, do try not to be late, darling.
I've asked the cook to prepare a special curry that Winnie used to adore.
I'm sure you'll love it, too.
Yes, I'm sure.
I think he is going to be difficult, Lizzie.
Oh, my dear David, if I could handle a duke I can certainly handle a baron.
Deirdre would play tricks on me.
She'd hide my possessions, tell me that I'd done things I hadn't done.
She would even pose as me and then do terrible things and I'd get blamed for it.
It got so I didn't know what was reality and what was Deirdre's doing.
Finally father sent me to the hospital.
How old were you? Eight.
Didn't the doctors believe you? No.
They said I couldn't face what happened during the kidnapping.
But it was Deirdre.
It was always Deirdre.
And she still does things like this to you? Sometimes.
She said the accident was an attempt to kill her and to commit suicide, but it wasn't.
I just wanted her to leave Ted and me alone.
She was beginning to mix me up again.
So when I left the hospital I came here to get away from her, to put some of my perspective back in my life.
Then things began to happen.
Footsteps, the feeling I was being watched, the dogs.
The man who broke in.
Do you understand, Thomas? Diane, last night, when Higgins left, you fell asleep on the couch.
I was exhausted.
Yeah, and I covered you and I took a shower.
Did you join me? What? Did you join me in the shower and sleep with me? Jonathan.
May I come in? Haven't we been through this once? Yes, I believe we have.
Please, I need your advice.
This is bloody awkward.
Jonathan, whatever it is it can't be any more awkward than last night.
No.
I suppose not.
Where to begin? Why not at the beginning? I was sent down from Sandhurst my third year.
I know.
You know? My cousin Charles Briggs was at Sandhurst with you.
Parker Briggs, your cousin? Yes.
Well, why didn't you ever tell me? Because you've never told me you were sent down from Sandhurst.
I didn't want to embarrass you.
Agatha, I've disappointed the family twice in my life.
I can't do it again.
What on earth are you talking about? Elizabeth wants me to deed-poll my title.
Why, for heaven's sake? Oh.
She doesn't want to give up being the Duchess of Ashley.
Afraid not.
I realize now that I'm not in love with Elizabeth, at least, not the Elizabeth who's here today.
I'm in love with that young girl on the runaway horse who's life I saved in Hyde Park.
I see.
Are you going to call off the wedding? How can I? One doesn't propose to a duchess and then take it back like some Mayfair street peddler.
It's bad form.
What am I to do? She's here.
My family's flying in for the wedding.
Including Father Paddy? He's being positively rude.
Bad manners breed like mosquitoes in the backwaters of the empire.
Lizzie, for the life of me, I fail to see why you're marrying this bloke.
Oh, David.
Do you realize what it's like to be a widow in the peerage? All you ever do is go to Brown's for tea and crumpets, or sit on some ridiculous committee or another to save the Victorian Rose.
Well, it's not for me.
And Jonathan is He's sweet in his own way, and very well connected.
There are many more functions I can go to escorted.
Well, I could escort you.
Lovely.
And what would Millie say? Who? Oh.
Yes.
Millie, yes.
Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the pipes are calling Good evening to you.
Is me brother Jonny about? Your brother? Aye.
Jonathan Higgins.
I'm his brother, Father Patrick McGuiness.
I've flown in from Northern Ireland to perform the wedding.
To what? To perform the wedding.
Are you deaf or Oh.
You must be Lady Ashley.
The blushing bride.
Welcome to the family, darling.
Excuse me.
I've been on airplanes for 17 hours and all they do is give you these wee bottles of whiskey.
You wouldn't have any Irish, would you? I should say not.
Ah, a gin man, are you? Well, to each his own.
Oh.
Did I miss something? Oh, tres amusant, Jonathan.
Oh, the disguise is excellent.
I would never have caught on until you lit the butt end of that cigarette.
Now, that was really too much.
Yes, quite good.
Quite good indeed.
I don't know what the two of you are talking about.
Oh, now, come on, Jonathan.
The jig is up.
I'm not Jonathan.
But I know all the Higginses.
I know the Duke, the Earl Ah, you're talking about me father and brothers.
Half-brothers, to be exact, although I've never liked the term myself.
A brother's a brother, a sister's a sister.
With respect, there are no girls in the Higgins family.
Well, don't tell that to Soo-Ling Elizabeth Whitefeather or Kutama-numba.
I think I'm going to be ill.
Ah, it's prenuptial jitters.
It'll pass after the wedding.
How did the General manage to keep the news of you and the others out of the peerage? Well, I don't think Father bandied it about the club.
But what difference does it make? We're here to celebrate a wedding, not Father's lack of them.
Erin go bragh.
Oh, my God.
That would be a loose translation.
You can tell Jonathan the wedding is off, and he shall be hearing from my solicitors.
Keeping this illegitimate family from me is a breach of promise.
Now, Lizzie, technically, it isn't.
You see David.
He'll hear from me.
Oh, Jonathan, you were wonderful.
I only got close enough to hear the last few minutes, but you had me convinced.
And who might you be, lass? Oh, stop it, Jonathan.
You were absolutely wonderful.
Your performance was Ah, faith 'n' begorrah! Where's me brother, Jonathan? Is that you, Jonny? Oh, my God.
All the way back to her place, Diane didn't speak.
I didn't blame her.
What Deirdre had done to us was not something you could really talk about.
When we got there, Deirdre was out.
In a way, I was relieved.
If she'd been there I might not have been able to control my anger.
I convinced Diane the best thing to do was to go away with me for a while, let time sort things out.
She agreed.
But first, she wanted to have it out with Deirdre.
Alone.
So I came back to pack a bag and wait for her to call.
Everything had happened so fast, I never got a chance to read Diane's diary.
I wish I had.
It read like a text on paranoia.
Each day was a collection of fears, diligently documented descriptions of every stranger she came into contact with.
It was a wonder Diane didn't lock herself in and never venture further than the front door.
Then the diary suddenly changed.
"Met Kioni at Waikiki.
Terrific body.
"Delicious young Polynesian boy.
Took him home" The entry had been written by a different person, but how could that have happened without Diane knowing? We may be identical twins, but we're not alike.
She's left-handed, I'm right.
She's left-handed, I'm right.
She's left-handed, I'm right.
Oh, God.
Rick called with his report on the Dupres.
I knew what he was going to say.
It was the only possible explanation.
Alfred Dupres paid a million-dollar ransom to the abductor of his daughters, and the man was never caught.
Perhaps that's why the family was able to suppress what really happened.
Both girls had been physically and sexually abused, and only one had survived.
Diane.
Since 1961, Deirdre had only lived in the fantasies of Diane's mind.
Going someplace, sister darling? How dare you.
Pardon me? Thomas told me.
Everything you said, everything you did! I must say, Diane, your taste in men is improving.
Magnum seems to be bright in addition to being rather physically attractive.
I should kill you.
Oh, you've tried, sister darling.
No, I never did, I never did.
The car was an accident.
I'm not talking about the accident.
I'm talking about at the institution.
All those little sessions with dear Dr.
Bernard, plotting to get rid of me.
Did you think I wouldn't hear? Wouldn't find out? I never listened, I swear.
I never listened.
I never listened to Ted.
Oh, you listened.
I would never do anything to harm you.
Then why'd you hire Magnum? Why did you give him the diary? I was just so afraid and I thought the kidnapper was following me.
And you know he said he Liar! You hired Magnum to find out about me, to take you back to the funny farm.
Please, Deirdre, stop it.
I'm so frightened.
I You best be, because if I die you'll be all alone.
You do remember what that's like, don't you? Don't go.
Deirdre? Deirdre? Deirdre? Deirdre? Deirdre? Deirdre? Where are you? Deirdre, please don't hide.
Please? I thought you wanted to get rid of me.
No.
Just don't disappear like that.
You know Why? Why? Don't be a fool.
He came to take us back.
But you didn't have to kill him.
Diane? Diane? Diane? Diane! Diane? Sorry, darling.
You really are wonderful, but survival is survival.
Don't let her kill me, Diane.
Run, Thomas, run! I can't, Diane.
Diane? Deirdre's dead.
How's that for dead? She's dead.
You don't need her to survive.
Liar! Isn't that what the doctors told you? You don't need Deirdre to survive.
She can't live without me.
I'm the strong one.
I've always been the strong one.
No.
Diane's the strong one.
She's the one who lived.
No! Deirdre's dead, Diane.
You can live without her.
No, I can't.
I can't control her.
She'll come back.
Maybe not for years, but she'll come back, and when she does, she'll kill you.
No.
You can get her out of your life forever.
You can We can do it together.
I love you.
I love you.
No!
Deirdre.
I'm her sister.
What sort of an estate are you running here? That's Magnum.
You'll get used to him.
Well, didn't Deirdre give you my message? Deirdre's here? I'm talking about the mental institution she was committed to for trying to murder me.
Did you ever try and kill her? No! Never.
I swear! You can't have known Diane very long, and already you're doubting her story.
I'll have to kill him, too.
No! No! Last week on part one of Echoes of the Mind.
You're not frightening me, Deirdre.
I'm not trying to, sister darling.
Oh, yes, you are.
You always are.
Deirdre! Michelle? Uh, no.
I'm sorry.
You're obviously expecting someone else.
No, you're the one I was waiting for.
Why'd you come to me? I just felt you were meant to help me.
Hi, dogs.
Kidnapped at five, a father who makes you take shooting lessons and keep a daily diary of suspicious persons.
Well, I'd say it'd be amazing if you and your sister weren't paranoid.
Deirdre's not paranoid.
Tell me more about her.
We may be identical twins, but we're not alike.
We've never dressed alike, thought alike or felt alike.
Why, Magnum.
You're falling in love.
I am not in love with her.
But I'm afraid I could be.
When I got my first look at Elizabeth, I swear to you, Magnum, that I knew that someday she'd be my wife.
Agatha, I have decided to marry.
I will! What? Well, Jonathan? Aren't you going to say aloha or some other quaint island expression? Of course.
Oh.
Aloha.
Excuse me, but we haven't been properly introduced.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Jonathan.
I thought you knew David Billingsworth.
An old friend.
How do you do? How do you do? And my solicitor.
Solicitor? Here to draw up the deed poll, old boy.
Whose deed poll? Yours.
She wants me to give up my title and become Lord Higgins-Ashley.
You, a lord? I'm already a Lord, Magnum.
The Baron of Perth.
She wants me to deed-poll my title because the Duke's title is more prestigious in the peerage.
But I won't do it.
Your phone is ringing.
Thomas, I think I've killed someone.
Diane, somebody broke in here and attacked you.
Please, Thomas, I don't want the publicity.
I'm not gonna let you stay here alone.
Then stay with me.
You think it possible that she imagined all this? I don't know.
Who is it? Jonathan.
Jonathan? What's wrong? May I come in? Of course.
Thank you.
Oh, I must be looking an awful fright.
You look perfectly fine.
Could we have a spot of tea? Of course.
We've known each other how long now? Nine-and-a-half years.
Really? They've been good years, haven't they? Oh, yes.
The polo matches.
The butterfly expeditions.
The theater.
They've been the happiest years of my life.
And the future ones will be even happier.
More complete.
That's what I've come to talk about.
Our wedding? Agatha, you know how important our friendship is to me We'll still be friends, Jonathan.
and that I would never knowingly do anything to hurt you.
Nor I you, my dear.
Damn it.
What? Did I ever tell you about Lieutenant Smythe? The one who was eaten by a tiger? No, that was Lieutenant Freebairn Smith.
Smythe was a young officer with our regiment in Kenya, in the '50s.
Joined up after his sweetheart eloped with an officer from the Highland Fusiliers.
I've always said the Fusiliers were interlopers.
How sad.
Yes.
Well There was a young girl on the post, Penelope Gridley, the adjutant's daughter.
She and Lieutenant Smythe took to seeing each other.
Nothing romantic, mind you.
Just good friends.
They went to the regimental soirees together, rode on hunts, collected butterflies.
Anyway, it was around the time of the Queen's birthday, as I recall, that Lieutenant Smythe received a letter from his old sweetheart informing him that her husband had been killed in a climbing accident in the Himalayas.
Naturally, he wrote back.
One letter led to another, and before he knew it, he'd proposed, and she accepted by return post.
Of course, he had to tell Penny, but when he faced her he found he couldn't.
She learned of his impending marriage through some wives gossiping at a bridge party, I wouldn't want that to happen to you.
Jonathan, when you said you'd decided to marry, it wasn't me? No.
Lady Ashley.
Of course.
Oh, what a silly ninny you must think I am.
Not at all.
I think you're the most wonderful lady I've ever known.
But not the lady that you're going to marry.
Agatha, I Pot's boiling.
I've got some nice new herbal tea from Malaya I think you'll enjoy.
I'll just be a moment.
What's wrong with the Fire Goddess of Pele? Nothing, if you're into kinky pyrotechnics.
Hey, look, this is Higgins' bachelor party, not Magnum's.
Hey, look, would you get that five-eighths socket wrench for me, please? Boy, that was some party.
Remember? Yeah.
Saigon in the summer.
All the Vietnamese and French food you can eat, and all the champagne you can drink, and those Thai dancing girls.
Whoa! Yeah, I'll never forget it.
Especially when that naked chick popped out of that dragon's head, firing that AK-47 all over the place.
How was I supposed to know she was VC when I hired her? Look, Orville, Higgins is from the old school, so he should have an old-school type bachelor party, not one with twins with flaming tassels twirling all over their Oh Oh, cute.
You almost bought yourself a $300 cashmere sweater.
I'm sorry.
Would you mind answering the phone for me, please? Island Hoppers.
- Hi, Rick.
Hey, Thomas.
We were just talking about your bachelor party in Saigon.
You remember? How could I forget? It's probably the only bachelor party in history where the best man ended up with a Purple Heart.
You guys will never forgive me for that, will you? Let me talk to T.
C.
Okay.
T.
C.
Thomas.
I'm busy.
He's busy.
This is important.
It's important.
T.
C: It's always important.
No.
It's always important.
No.
Well, tell him I'll pay him the gas money I owe him.
He says he'll pay you the gas money he owes you.
No.
No.
You said no before he did.
Thomas, what is it that you need? Well, I want him to get the passenger list from U.
A.
Flight 119 that arrived yesterday.
How's T.
C.
Supposed to get a passenger Gloria.
Well, I thought he could ask her, but if he won't even come to the phone Um What if I can get him to ask her for you? Well, then I'd owe you, buddy.
Yeah? Two tickets to the Lionel Richie concert? Rick, I've only got two tickets.
They're the best seats in the house.
Rick, the concert's sold out.
This is blackmail.
I know.
Well, do we have a deal? Yes.
Thank you.
What ever happened to favors for friends? Diane? Diane? Diane? Hey.
I woke up and you disappeared on me.
Diane? No.
Deirdre.
Oh.
Where's Diane? Out shopping, according to this.
I assume you're the Tom she wrote it to.
Oh, I'm Thomas Magnum.
When did you get here? A while ago.
I must say, Diane's taste is improving.
You're much healthier-Iooking than the others.
Where'd she find you? She hired me.
I'm a private investigator.
To do what? To protect her.
Let me guess.
Someone is following her, but she doesn't know who.
Or she hears footsteps, but nobody's there.
Or she's assaulted by a man, but no one can find him.
Which is it? Well, apparently somebody broke in here Apparently? You can't have known Diane very long, and already you're doubting her story.
Evidently, you have brains in addition to a body.
Scotch? No, thank you.
You're gonna need it.
Has she told you about the hospital? I know about the accident.
I'm not talking about that hospital.
I'm talking about the mental institution she was committed to for trying to murder me.
I told you you'd need that drink.
Let's start at the beginning.
Diane and I were kidnapped when we were five.
I hated it.
Everything Deirdre told me about the mental institutions Diane had been in and out of since she was six, of the four suicide attempts, how she twice tried to kill her own twin sister.
According to Deirdre, Diane was a paranoid hysteric who could be shy and innocent one moment, aggressive and sexy the next.
The more she told me, the more I hated it, because it all made sense.
I couldn't leave the stockholders' meeting until it was over.
And I didn't want to risk someone else bringing Diane home.
So no one knows Diane is in Hawaii but you? That's right.
How did you know? I didn't.
Not for certain.
But Diane always liked to escape here when she was troubled.
So, I took a chance.
Just like that? A busy businesswoman flies 5000 miles on a chance? She is my sister.
Yeah.
What flight you come in on? I don't remember.
Why? Doesn't Diane sit on the board of directors? Technically, but I run Dupres Fabrics.
And Diane's life? You know, I don't like these questions or your insinuations.
Why must you control Diane's life? I don't think you've been listening.
Diane has been mentally ill since we were kidnapped.
She couldn't take what they did to us.
It wasn't very pleasant.
But we can't all go to pieces, now, can we? Someone has to mind the store, so to speak, to be responsible.
In our family, that's me.
I've taken care of Diane since our father died when we were 10, and I intend to continue taking care of her, which brings me to the point of our little discussion.
Knowing Diane, she didn't even ask your rate.
However, I'll be willing to pay whatever's fair.
Diane hired me.
She'll have to fire me.
I understand.
You want a bonus.
How much? A thousand? Five? You seem awfully anxious to get rid of me, Deirdre.
What are you afraid of? Nothing.
But you won't believe that until you're satisfied I'm telling the truth.
So, check it out for yourself.
I'll be happy to give you the names of the doctors and the hospital.
Or better yet, ask Diane.
Oh, by the way, a rather well-built Hawaiian dropped a Ferrari off for you while you were asleep.
You must be very good at what you do.
I don't know, man.
She is some tough lady.
It's not my problem.
You either get that passenger list from her or you give me Who won? Who do you think? That's one thing I like about you, T.
C.
Indomitable in defeat, insufferable in victory.
Hey, you know, I was thinking about that passenger list No.
Why not? Because I could lose my job.
Oh, come on, they're not gonna fire you.
You're just a stew.
I am not a stew.
I'm a flight attendant.
And if I were a stew, I wouldn't be just a stew.
Come on, come on, you know what I mean.
Sometimes, Theodore Calvin, your mouth can put your life in real jeopardy.
You know, I like the way your eyes get when you get angry.
Come on, honey.
Don't "honey" me.
Gloria, we're not talking a breach of national security.
I'm just asking for a passenger list Shh! of a bunch of passengers that are already here.
It is a federal offense to give out a passenger list.
Besides, rules are rules.
They're made for a reason.
So, you're refusing me.
Uh-huh, he understands.
Mahi-mahi's ready.
Oh, great! You know, in England we'd have chips with our fish.
You're English.
You what? You mean, we've been together for six months and you've only just worked that out? I'll bet you've been to a bunch of English bachelor parties, right? What kind of girl do you think I am? No, I mean, you know how to throw a real English bachelor party.
Yeah.
Tell Orville how proper gentlemen throw a party for each other.
Oh, you mean like at Boodles or White? What's that? Very old private clubs.
You would like them.
No women allowed.
Well, what are these parties like? Well, they're very elegant affairs.
They're proper rowdy bashes is what they are.
They act like a bunch of schoolboys on holiday without a teacher, I was at one once.
How did you get in? Through a cake.
Popped up.
You know.
Oh, it was all proper.
I was dressed.
Well, sort of.
Sarah! How could you do something so chauvinistic? I was in love.
Did it for a boyfriend.
I got a terrible cold from all the champagne they kept squirting at me, squirting at me with water pistols.
I don't think I wanna hear any more of this.
I do.
You would.
Tell me more about the squirt guns.
Say, if she was willing to pop out of a birthday cake for her boyfriend No! Not even if I promise to Theodore.
Somehow Rick came up with the manifest, so I gave him the tickets.
But also I got him to promise to check on the Dupres family for me, especially on Deirdre.
Two tickets to a Lionel Richie concert should be worth more than just a flight manifest.
Of the 342 names, I recognized half-a-dozen or so.
A famous actress, a cookie maker, two US senators and a TVstar.
Sixty-six of the passengers were members of something called "The Buffalo Chips", and the rest I assumed were just tourists.
A typical flight from the mainland to paradise, only someone on that flight broke into Diane's home and tried to harm her.
At least that's what I wanted to believe.
Thomas.
Hi.
Why did you leave without telling me? Well, didn't Deirdre give you my message? Deirdre's here? Yeah, in your house.
Didn't you see her? Did she talk to you? Yes.
You don't believe her, do you? She lies about me.
Please, tell me you don't believe her.
I don't know.
Diane.
Diane.
Diane, wait a minute.
Just let me go.
I can't.
Not until we talk.
Either you believe Deirdre or you believe me.
You don't even know what she said.
Oh, yes, I do! She said I'm crazy.
That's what she tells every man who shows an interest in me.
All right, then answer me one question.
What? Did you ever attempt suicide? Yes, but she drove me to it.
Did you ever try and kill her? No! Never.
I swear! Never.
I believe you, Diane.
All I wanted was to hear it from you.
Jonathan.
What sort of an estate are you running here? Oh.
That's Magnum.
You'll get used to him.
Is he employed here? In a manner of speaking, he's a bit like The Man Who Came to Dinner.
Americans have such a vulgar way of displaying their affections in public.
Yes.
Don't they? The deed poll will, of course, have to be brought before the courts.
But I don't foresee any problems.
It isn't as if we're abdicating the throne, is it? Elizabeth, do you realize what you're asking me to relinquish? Well, of course, darling.
Your title.
But with your brothers and their children it's hardly likely you'll ever become duke, is it? Well, that's not the point.
It's not? Thank you, Mata.
No.
My family has been in the peerage for almost 800 years.
You're asking me to give up my heritage.
Yes, but Jonathan, it's not a title you ever use.
That's not the point either.
Forgive me, Jonathan.
What is the point? I want you to take my family name when we marry.
With respect, I don't think you quite understand, old boy.
Lady Ashley married into her title.
She may not retain her title should she remarry.
I know that, but she will still be a lady.
The Baroness of Perth.
But she's presently a Duchess.
The Duchess of Ashley.
They're not really the same, now, are they, Jonathan? Perhaps not, but Higgins is a name I'm proud of, proud enough to offer it to you.
Well, thank you, darling.
Yes, well, I'm sure that we can settle this, given a little time.
But let's not let it spoil our tea, shall we? Oh.
Herb tea.
How positively provincial.
Where did you get it? Malaya.
If you'll excuse me, I have some errands to run.
I'll be back in time for dinner.
Well, do try not to be late, darling.
I've asked the cook to prepare a special curry that Winnie used to adore.
I'm sure you'll love it, too.
Yes, I'm sure.
I think he is going to be difficult, Lizzie.
Oh, my dear David, if I could handle a duke I can certainly handle a baron.
Deirdre would play tricks on me.
She'd hide my possessions, tell me that I'd done things I hadn't done.
She would even pose as me and then do terrible things and I'd get blamed for it.
It got so I didn't know what was reality and what was Deirdre's doing.
Finally father sent me to the hospital.
How old were you? Eight.
Didn't the doctors believe you? No.
They said I couldn't face what happened during the kidnapping.
But it was Deirdre.
It was always Deirdre.
And she still does things like this to you? Sometimes.
She said the accident was an attempt to kill her and to commit suicide, but it wasn't.
I just wanted her to leave Ted and me alone.
She was beginning to mix me up again.
So when I left the hospital I came here to get away from her, to put some of my perspective back in my life.
Then things began to happen.
Footsteps, the feeling I was being watched, the dogs.
The man who broke in.
Do you understand, Thomas? Diane, last night, when Higgins left, you fell asleep on the couch.
I was exhausted.
Yeah, and I covered you and I took a shower.
Did you join me? What? Did you join me in the shower and sleep with me? Jonathan.
May I come in? Haven't we been through this once? Yes, I believe we have.
Please, I need your advice.
This is bloody awkward.
Jonathan, whatever it is it can't be any more awkward than last night.
No.
I suppose not.
Where to begin? Why not at the beginning? I was sent down from Sandhurst my third year.
I know.
You know? My cousin Charles Briggs was at Sandhurst with you.
Parker Briggs, your cousin? Yes.
Well, why didn't you ever tell me? Because you've never told me you were sent down from Sandhurst.
I didn't want to embarrass you.
Agatha, I've disappointed the family twice in my life.
I can't do it again.
What on earth are you talking about? Elizabeth wants me to deed-poll my title.
Why, for heaven's sake? Oh.
She doesn't want to give up being the Duchess of Ashley.
Afraid not.
I realize now that I'm not in love with Elizabeth, at least, not the Elizabeth who's here today.
I'm in love with that young girl on the runaway horse who's life I saved in Hyde Park.
I see.
Are you going to call off the wedding? How can I? One doesn't propose to a duchess and then take it back like some Mayfair street peddler.
It's bad form.
What am I to do? She's here.
My family's flying in for the wedding.
Including Father Paddy? He's being positively rude.
Bad manners breed like mosquitoes in the backwaters of the empire.
Lizzie, for the life of me, I fail to see why you're marrying this bloke.
Oh, David.
Do you realize what it's like to be a widow in the peerage? All you ever do is go to Brown's for tea and crumpets, or sit on some ridiculous committee or another to save the Victorian Rose.
Well, it's not for me.
And Jonathan is He's sweet in his own way, and very well connected.
There are many more functions I can go to escorted.
Well, I could escort you.
Lovely.
And what would Millie say? Who? Oh.
Yes.
Millie, yes.
Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the pipes are calling Good evening to you.
Is me brother Jonny about? Your brother? Aye.
Jonathan Higgins.
I'm his brother, Father Patrick McGuiness.
I've flown in from Northern Ireland to perform the wedding.
To what? To perform the wedding.
Are you deaf or Oh.
You must be Lady Ashley.
The blushing bride.
Welcome to the family, darling.
Excuse me.
I've been on airplanes for 17 hours and all they do is give you these wee bottles of whiskey.
You wouldn't have any Irish, would you? I should say not.
Ah, a gin man, are you? Well, to each his own.
Oh.
Did I miss something? Oh, tres amusant, Jonathan.
Oh, the disguise is excellent.
I would never have caught on until you lit the butt end of that cigarette.
Now, that was really too much.
Yes, quite good.
Quite good indeed.
I don't know what the two of you are talking about.
Oh, now, come on, Jonathan.
The jig is up.
I'm not Jonathan.
But I know all the Higginses.
I know the Duke, the Earl Ah, you're talking about me father and brothers.
Half-brothers, to be exact, although I've never liked the term myself.
A brother's a brother, a sister's a sister.
With respect, there are no girls in the Higgins family.
Well, don't tell that to Soo-Ling Elizabeth Whitefeather or Kutama-numba.
I think I'm going to be ill.
Ah, it's prenuptial jitters.
It'll pass after the wedding.
How did the General manage to keep the news of you and the others out of the peerage? Well, I don't think Father bandied it about the club.
But what difference does it make? We're here to celebrate a wedding, not Father's lack of them.
Erin go bragh.
Oh, my God.
That would be a loose translation.
You can tell Jonathan the wedding is off, and he shall be hearing from my solicitors.
Keeping this illegitimate family from me is a breach of promise.
Now, Lizzie, technically, it isn't.
You see David.
He'll hear from me.
Oh, Jonathan, you were wonderful.
I only got close enough to hear the last few minutes, but you had me convinced.
And who might you be, lass? Oh, stop it, Jonathan.
You were absolutely wonderful.
Your performance was Ah, faith 'n' begorrah! Where's me brother, Jonathan? Is that you, Jonny? Oh, my God.
All the way back to her place, Diane didn't speak.
I didn't blame her.
What Deirdre had done to us was not something you could really talk about.
When we got there, Deirdre was out.
In a way, I was relieved.
If she'd been there I might not have been able to control my anger.
I convinced Diane the best thing to do was to go away with me for a while, let time sort things out.
She agreed.
But first, she wanted to have it out with Deirdre.
Alone.
So I came back to pack a bag and wait for her to call.
Everything had happened so fast, I never got a chance to read Diane's diary.
I wish I had.
It read like a text on paranoia.
Each day was a collection of fears, diligently documented descriptions of every stranger she came into contact with.
It was a wonder Diane didn't lock herself in and never venture further than the front door.
Then the diary suddenly changed.
"Met Kioni at Waikiki.
Terrific body.
"Delicious young Polynesian boy.
Took him home" The entry had been written by a different person, but how could that have happened without Diane knowing? We may be identical twins, but we're not alike.
She's left-handed, I'm right.
She's left-handed, I'm right.
She's left-handed, I'm right.
Oh, God.
Rick called with his report on the Dupres.
I knew what he was going to say.
It was the only possible explanation.
Alfred Dupres paid a million-dollar ransom to the abductor of his daughters, and the man was never caught.
Perhaps that's why the family was able to suppress what really happened.
Both girls had been physically and sexually abused, and only one had survived.
Diane.
Since 1961, Deirdre had only lived in the fantasies of Diane's mind.
Going someplace, sister darling? How dare you.
Pardon me? Thomas told me.
Everything you said, everything you did! I must say, Diane, your taste in men is improving.
Magnum seems to be bright in addition to being rather physically attractive.
I should kill you.
Oh, you've tried, sister darling.
No, I never did, I never did.
The car was an accident.
I'm not talking about the accident.
I'm talking about at the institution.
All those little sessions with dear Dr.
Bernard, plotting to get rid of me.
Did you think I wouldn't hear? Wouldn't find out? I never listened, I swear.
I never listened.
I never listened to Ted.
Oh, you listened.
I would never do anything to harm you.
Then why'd you hire Magnum? Why did you give him the diary? I was just so afraid and I thought the kidnapper was following me.
And you know he said he Liar! You hired Magnum to find out about me, to take you back to the funny farm.
Please, Deirdre, stop it.
I'm so frightened.
I You best be, because if I die you'll be all alone.
You do remember what that's like, don't you? Don't go.
Deirdre? Deirdre? Deirdre? Deirdre? Deirdre? Deirdre? Where are you? Deirdre, please don't hide.
Please? I thought you wanted to get rid of me.
No.
Just don't disappear like that.
You know Why? Why? Don't be a fool.
He came to take us back.
But you didn't have to kill him.
Diane? Diane? Diane? Diane! Diane? Sorry, darling.
You really are wonderful, but survival is survival.
Don't let her kill me, Diane.
Run, Thomas, run! I can't, Diane.
Diane? Deirdre's dead.
How's that for dead? She's dead.
You don't need her to survive.
Liar! Isn't that what the doctors told you? You don't need Deirdre to survive.
She can't live without me.
I'm the strong one.
I've always been the strong one.
No.
Diane's the strong one.
She's the one who lived.
No! Deirdre's dead, Diane.
You can live without her.
No, I can't.
I can't control her.
She'll come back.
Maybe not for years, but she'll come back, and when she does, she'll kill you.
No.
You can get her out of your life forever.
You can We can do it together.
I love you.
I love you.
No!