NewsRadio (1995) s05e02 Episode Script
Meet the Max Louis
Okay.
Um, I mean, there's probably no good time to, uh-- To bring this up, but I think we really have to start thinking about hiring a new on-air person.
You mean, Bill's replacement? BETH: No, Matthew.
No.
Dave knows that no one could ever replace Bill.
Then why is he hiring a replacement? Well, I haven't hired anyone yet, all right? I've been looking at a lot of résumés, I've narrowed down the candidates.
But I thought we should discuss it as a group.
Well, you thought wrong! All right.
You know, maybe we should, uh-- Maybe we should move on to other business, huh? You know, um-- You know, apparently, due to an unforeseen revenue surplus, uh, there's money in the budget to purchase this bright, shiny rubber ball.
Huh? Which bounces.
[GASPS.]
Huh? Matthew, did you hear that? A shiny rubber ball that bounces.
Whee! Can I be excused now? Wow, I can't believe the rubber ball didn't work.
I know.
At least we don't have to worry about him swallowing it now.
Oh, yeah, by the way, I gotta work on everybody's computer today.
Oh, any reason in particular? Nothing to worry about.
But if I don't work on them by Wednesday, they're all gonna totally freeze up.
Today is Wednesday.
I thought today was Tuesday.
Mm.
Oh.
Well, in that case, all your computers are gonna totally freeze up today.
Joe, why? It's nothing big.
It's just that whole Year 2000 Crisis thing.
The what? The Year 2000 Crisis.
It's a global electronic catastrophe caused by computers that aren't able to process dates ending in 2000.
That's the one.
I thought they called it the Year 2000 Crisis because it was supposed to happen in the year 2000? Yeah.
But when I built the computer system here, I-I started with the actual birth date of Jesus, so we're gonna catch it a little early.
Joe, Jesus was not born Yeah? Well, I got a birth certificate that says different.
Wait-- Wait a minute.
Shouldn't this be an official day off, Dave? You know what, Dave? That's not such a bad idea.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
[.]
[.]
Joe, you said the computers were gonna freeze up.
Why did Beth's explode? Yeah.
"Freeze up" is an electro-technical term for explode, Dave.
I did not know that.
Uh-huh.
So are you saying that there's a danger that all of the computers are going to explode? Oh, it's gone far beyond that, Dave.
Every electronic device in this office is connected together in one synergistic web.
It's as if we're living in the mouth of an immense supercomputer.
Wow, That's almost poetic, Joe.
Mr.
James, I advise you to put that coffee pot back inside the machine.
Oh.
Do you want me to unplug that for you, Joe? No.
No! [ALL PHONES RINGING.]
Don't answer that! Why not? That's why not.
So I assume we'll be without phone service for the rest of the day? Us and everybody else in the 212 area code.
That was cool.
Dave, are we going to have this meeting? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, and Beth, don't answer the phones.
Why would I do that? Okay, now, I've, uh-- I've narrowed down the candidates for a new on-air person to, uh, these two, but I just, you know, thought we should make the decision as a group.
Oh, I have an idea.
Oh, what? Go to hell.
Ah.
Well, anyone else have anything? Um, how many résumés did you look through? About a hundred.
Who are the finalists? Uh, well, we got these two here.
We've got Jack Callaway, who's been with the number one news radio station in L.
A.
for eight years and he's been nominated for two Peabody Awards.
And he has a total afro.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Look, Jack-- Jack comes very highly rec-- My name's Jack Callaway.
Bow down before my wondrous afro.
That's not fair, Joe.
[WITH HIGH VOICE.]
Fight the power.
We'll come back to Jack later.
Good idea.
Now our second candidate is a very experienced woman, uh, Janice Sanburger.
Hamburger.
[ALL LAUGH.]
She's a veteran of three major market stations, and, uh, Miss Sanburger-- Hamburger.
Speaking of hamburger, this guy's pretty cute.
Uh, yes, but too bad he's in the reject pile.
This guy's name is Skye Maximus.
What a dork.
Well, this little lady calls herself June Showers.
Look at this stupid fool, Frank Peterson.
Stupid fool.
You know, the people on the reject pile are there for a reason.
Oh, come on.
What's the matter with a comparison shopping? Look at this guy.
He can't even spell his own name right.
Look, Max Lewis.
Beth, that's how you spell Max.
Really? With an x? Yes.
Yeah, we've all had our fun.
Can we please-- Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Listen to this.
"1985-86 'Indianapolis Morning Zoo' Co-anchor: Bill McNeal.
" Oh, let me see that.
You know, I think this guy played, uh-- Played golf with me and Bill one time.
Wait a minute.
You mean, he was a friend of Bill's? That's nice, but he's never done news.
That's why he's in the reject pile.
Matthew, did you hear that? What if we hired someone who was a friend of Bill's? Bill would have wanted that, right? I don't know.
This guy looks like he's just pretending to be a friend of Bill's.
We can't hire someone just because he may have been a friend of Bill's.
Okay.
Hang on, everybody.
Dave, let me see you outside, please.
Dave, I really think you should consider this Max Lewis guy.
Well, I did consider him, but he's just not qualified.
Dave, it's not about qualifications, it's about chemistry.
Look, there's a whole group of people in there who miss Bill very much.
Maybe hiring a friend of his will help us ease over this rough patch.
Perhaps.
But it doesn't seem right to hire someone because the mob dictates it.
Yeah, well-- Well, ring, ring, hello? Don't you know the benefits of getting along with the mob? No.
All right, let me tell you.
Take that mob of villagers that chased Frankenstein through the streets.
Now, wouldn't it have been smarter for Frankenstein to pick up the torch and help the villagers hunt down some other freak? That's a very good point, sir.
Thank you.
All right, everybody.
Shh.
[WITH RASPY VOICE.]
I really dig your enormous forehead, big boy.
[WITH LOW VOICE.]
Why, thank you.
I do have five Peabody awards.
Ooh, what are we waiting for? Let's get cooking.
Ooh.
Ooh.
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
Well, back to the matter at hand.
Yes, which is hiring Bill's friend, Max.
Yeah.
Actually, I wanted to make another pitch for Jack Callaway.
Well, Max does have a pretty impressive résumé.
He's had 37 jobs in 20 years.
Sounds like a veteran.
Sounds like a drifter.
If we don't go with Jack, there's Janice Sanburger-- Hamburger.
--who has been nominated for, uh, three Peabody awards.
Yes, but Max Lewis has actually won a Peabody award.
Look, all we know is that he worked with Bill.
We don't know for sure that they were friends.
Really? Then why does he list Bill as a reference? I don't know, I didn't notice.
You know, Dave, truthfully, Bill wasn't always the easiest person to like.
I mean, we loved him, but a lot of people found him kind of abrasive.
Anyway, if this Max Lewis guy was Bill's friend, he's probably just the kind of easy-going, laid-back kind of guy we'd want in the office.
Well All right, let's give Max a shot.
All right? Hey.
[PAGER BEEPING.]
Pagers.
Everybody, give me your pagers.
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Matthew, pager, pager! What? [MUFFLED EXPLOSION.]
Never mind.
That tickled.
[.]
All right.
The guard called up from the lobby.
Max Lewis should be here any second.
This is quite a welcoming committee.
Yeah, would have been, but the Jimmy James' Stunt Driving Team got caught in traffic, so [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Shh.
Here he is.
JIMMY: Hey, Max.
On behalf of all of us at WNYX, wel-- [CRASHING.]
I'm on it.
Right this way, Max.
And, again, I'm terribly sorry about that whole elevator fiasco.
Oh, don't be silly.
I enjoyed it.
It was fun.
I'm always up for something new and exciting.
And that's why they call me "Can-Do Max Lou is.
" Yes.
That's why I think I would be a great addition to your operation, Doug.
It's Dave.
Here's my picture and résumé.
I think you'll find I'm highly qualified and handsome.
Well, I-I know that you are.
That's why I hired you.
So, what sort of a person are you looking to hire, Doug? Dave.
Well, you can hire this Dave fellow, but I can tell you this, he's no Max Lewis.
No, Max.
I don't think you understand the situation.
This isn't a job interview.
What? Well, just-- All right, just give me a chance.
No-- No, no, Max.
Look at my interests.
It really isn't necessary.
No, please.
I don't really.
I can't.
No, just give me a chance.
All right.
All right.
Special interests.
Um, tai chi.
That is correct.
I studied under the tutelage of Master Ten Shuck Sung.
That's very impressive.
Uh, avid swimmer.
Freestyle, if you please.
Bowling.
Lifetime average: One-- Two-ninety.
Uh, and country line dancing.
I'm gonna need your help on this one.
No, that won't be necessary, Max, really.
Now, look, Doug, I know you're thinking, "How could one man be fired "from 37 different jobs? How is that possible?" Honestly, Max, it hadn't crossed my mind.
But how is that possible? That's not important.
What's important is I've done it all.
Rock, country, chat, Yes.
hard rock, soft rock, soft country, soft country chat.
Yes, Max, I know.
But around here, we pretty much just do all news all the time.
All what? All news.
How often? All the time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bill never mentioned that.
Oh.
Now, were you guys very close? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Great guy.
Yes, he was.
Did you know he was always the first person to call me whenever I got fired? He called a lot.
Uh, welcome aboard, Max.
I know the rest of the staff can't wait to meet you, so why don't-- Wait, wait-- Does this mean I'm hired? Yes, yes.
Yes, it does, Max.
Wow, I can't believe I pulled that off.
It is rather astonishing.
Who the hell do you think you are? [.]
[.]
Joseph, I don't know how you expect me to get any work done when you're on my computer.
You never do any work.
All you do is play computer solitaire.
Yeah, well, one man's computer solitaire is another man's bread and butter.
What? I don't Just-- Can you get off my computer, please, so I can play? Look, I can't.
Your computer's frozen up.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Here.
What are these? It's a real pack of cards.
Play real solitaire.
But I can't.
I just-- I don't-- Oh, yeah, those look kind of familiar.
Just-- Just play.
Go ahead.
[SIGHS.]
Wow.
For the first time, this whole Year 2000 thing is really starting to scare me.
Uh, Lisa? Yeah? Lisa, I'd like you to meet Max.
Max, this is Lisa, our other anchor.
Your co-anchor.
You'll be working with her in the booth there.
It's nice to meet you, Max.
Hello, fellow co-anchor lady.
I was thinking maybe you could show Max around.
Sure, I'd be happy to.
Great.
I'll be in my office if you should need me.
Hey, don't worry about us.
We'll be just fine.
[MAX CHUCKLES.]
Help.
I don't know how to do it.
Do what? All news, all the time.
I've never done this.
Oh.
It's really very simple, actually.
Then why am I having a panic attack, the dark-haired radio person? I-- Lisa, first of all.
Okay, I don't have time for names.
I need a desk.
Okay.
Use mine.
Here, use my desk for now.
Just sit down.
Oh, okay, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Hey.
This isn't my stuff.
Hey.
Hey.
Now, tell me everything you know about news.
Pronto.
What about it? Everything.
I know nothing about it.
I need information.
I need it five minutes ago.
This isn't helping.
I gotta find somebody to help me.
You.
Who are you? What do you do? I'm Joe.
I'm the electrician.
No time for names.
Just tell me about the news, electrical man.
That crap they air and pretend it's news or the real news the government thinks we're too stupid to understand? You're obviously useless and probably drunk! You are obviously tense, so why don't you just take a deep breath and relax.
Okay? Okay.
I don't have time to breathe.
Let's just stop with the chitchat and give me some information I can use because-- Oh, hello, kitty.
Who have we here? Beth, this is our new anchor, Max Lewis.
Max, Beth.
Hello, Barbara.
Beth.
Why do you people insist I learn your names? What are you trying to do to me? You're it.
Oh, I get it.
You people want me fired.
No, we don't.
Then why all the head games? You know, if you want, I have some muscle relaxers that I use for menstrual cramps.
Uh Hey, uh Eh, no.
No, I gotta stay focused.
Oh, God.
God gave me this chance.
I'm gonna blow it! He's gonna can my ass in half a second.
[SOBBING.]
Is everything okay out here? Golden, my main man.
Golden.
[.]
No, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.
I just hired him, there's no way I'm gonna turn around and fire him.
Why not? It's not like he's not expecting it.
He's just a little nervous.
No, Dave, he's not nervous, he's a masochist.
The guy loves to suffer.
Lisa's right.
LISA: Yeah.
Only a matter of time before he shows up in a hair shirt and one of those black leather zipper masks.
That's a good point.
The thing is that we're upset about the fact that he won't even bother to learn our names.
Face it.
Max Lewis has been a deadweight around our neck for far too long.
He's only been here two hours.
Did anybody do a background check on him? No.
Unfortunately, the CIA field office was closed today so I didn't have the opportu-- [MUFFLED EXPLOSION.]
Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
I forgot you keep your fax machine in there.
You know, I hate to have to say this, but I will.
You guys picked him.
You'll just have to live with him.
Whoa, slow down there, David.
You can make me work with him, but there's no way I'm living with him.
[.]
Ah, Max, good.
I wanted to talk to you.
Oh.
Listen, Doug.
You gave me a chance and I blew it.
So fire away.
No, I'm not gonna fire you.
If you need help, I'll help you.
I'll be you, you be me.
"Max, you're fired.
" Now you.
"No, it's 38 jobs.
Please.
Max, Thirty eight.
" Max, sit down, all right? You're-- You're not fired, all right? You're not fired.
All right? In fact, I came here to make a rather bold pronouncement.
Max.
You will not be fired today.
Ah.
Tomorrow.
No.
Nor tomorrow.
In fact, Max Lewis, you will not be fired for the next two weeks.
You heard me right, Max.
For the next two weeks, nothing you do will get you fired.
[SIGHS.]
Two whole weeks of worry-free employment? That's right.
Hey.
Maybe I can actually move out of the Y.
Max, with two weeks of guaranteed employment stretching out before you, you can relax.
Be yourself.
I think we'll all be happy with the results.
Okay, I-- Okay.
Thank you, Doug.
I can do this.
I-I know that you can, I know.
Now, I've brought in some, uh-- Some news copy I'd like you to go over and let me know-- Mm.
Is-- Is this a work-related conversation? Yes.
Oh, well, Can it wait? I'm having my lunch.
I just figured that while you're eating, you could go-- You know what? I'd hate to point this out, but paragraph 4-E of the 1987 OSHA Workplace Bylaws clearly states that an employee is entitled to one uninterrupted lunch hour and two 15-minutes breaks during each eight-hour work day.
Yes, technically, that's true, but in news radio-- [MUTTERING.]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Now, Max-- I'm sorry.
I would love to talk, but I'm kind of a stickler about constitutional rights.
Just who I am.
[.]
Uh, everyone? You win.
I see things your way.
I am going to fire Max.
You can't fire him.
No.
I don't think that's a good idea.
JOE: Don't do it, dude.
LISA: Don't fire him, Dave.
He got to you, didn't he? What did he--? What did he do? What did he say? How did he--? What-- what? What evil game are we playing, little man? Dave, Hm? I know I've been more against this Max character than anyone, but, you know, I've done a lot of stupid things in my time.
No, no, no, I have.
And now that I've gotten to know him, I think he's kind of a smart guy.
Based on what? Well, Dave, if you're gonna get technical on me, I should point out that I am eating my lunch.
No, no, no.
No, no.
All right, all right.
I think that perhaps we have all lost sight of why we are here.
Lisa, you know what? I should point out that I still am eating my lunch.
Shut up, Matthew.
We're here because we're a radio station.
Yes, we're friends.
Yes, we love each other.
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
But first and foremost, we are a radio station.
And your point is? My point is, if he's any good on the air, we keep him.
If he's not, we fire him.
That is a good point, but how we'll be able to tell if he's any good on the air? Well, we could listen to one of our own broadcasts.
Does anybody have a radio? A what? BETH: I've got one.
MAX [ON RADIO.]
: The tariff increase, but recent declines in trading with depressed Asian markets made it inevitable.
Nice voice.
Clean pipes.
Before I go on with the news, I would like to read a personal message to the listening audience.
Okay, here it comes.
Get ready to cut the feed, Joe.
Let me, uh, start off by saying that I've had a rather spotty professional career.
To be frank, I've been fired a lot.
Too many times to count.
Okay, 37.
But so far, the people here at WNYX haven't fired me.
In fact, they even let me on the air, which is promising.
And so, whatever the future may bring, I'd like to take the time now to offer my profoundest thanks to the whole gang here.
The station's owner, Mr.
Jameson, Barbara, the red-headed temptress, Beautiful Brown-Haired Journalism Woman, Tall Skinny Guy With Glasses, Electrical Man, of course.
And especially the man who has given me the confidence to be myself, my new news director, Dave Nelson.
And most importantly, I promise to do the best job I can.
And in doing so, honor the memory of my dear friend, Bill McNeal.
Now, on with the news.
The State Assemblyman, Bruce Sparks Okay.
We keep him.
Bipartisan consensus-- I'm sorry, Doug Nelson.
Thanks again, Doug.
[.]
[.]
Um, I mean, there's probably no good time to, uh-- To bring this up, but I think we really have to start thinking about hiring a new on-air person.
You mean, Bill's replacement? BETH: No, Matthew.
No.
Dave knows that no one could ever replace Bill.
Then why is he hiring a replacement? Well, I haven't hired anyone yet, all right? I've been looking at a lot of résumés, I've narrowed down the candidates.
But I thought we should discuss it as a group.
Well, you thought wrong! All right.
You know, maybe we should, uh-- Maybe we should move on to other business, huh? You know, um-- You know, apparently, due to an unforeseen revenue surplus, uh, there's money in the budget to purchase this bright, shiny rubber ball.
Huh? Which bounces.
[GASPS.]
Huh? Matthew, did you hear that? A shiny rubber ball that bounces.
Whee! Can I be excused now? Wow, I can't believe the rubber ball didn't work.
I know.
At least we don't have to worry about him swallowing it now.
Oh, yeah, by the way, I gotta work on everybody's computer today.
Oh, any reason in particular? Nothing to worry about.
But if I don't work on them by Wednesday, they're all gonna totally freeze up.
Today is Wednesday.
I thought today was Tuesday.
Mm.
Oh.
Well, in that case, all your computers are gonna totally freeze up today.
Joe, why? It's nothing big.
It's just that whole Year 2000 Crisis thing.
The what? The Year 2000 Crisis.
It's a global electronic catastrophe caused by computers that aren't able to process dates ending in 2000.
That's the one.
I thought they called it the Year 2000 Crisis because it was supposed to happen in the year 2000? Yeah.
But when I built the computer system here, I-I started with the actual birth date of Jesus, so we're gonna catch it a little early.
Joe, Jesus was not born Yeah? Well, I got a birth certificate that says different.
Wait-- Wait a minute.
Shouldn't this be an official day off, Dave? You know what, Dave? That's not such a bad idea.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
[.]
[.]
Joe, you said the computers were gonna freeze up.
Why did Beth's explode? Yeah.
"Freeze up" is an electro-technical term for explode, Dave.
I did not know that.
Uh-huh.
So are you saying that there's a danger that all of the computers are going to explode? Oh, it's gone far beyond that, Dave.
Every electronic device in this office is connected together in one synergistic web.
It's as if we're living in the mouth of an immense supercomputer.
Wow, That's almost poetic, Joe.
Mr.
James, I advise you to put that coffee pot back inside the machine.
Oh.
Do you want me to unplug that for you, Joe? No.
No! [ALL PHONES RINGING.]
Don't answer that! Why not? That's why not.
So I assume we'll be without phone service for the rest of the day? Us and everybody else in the 212 area code.
That was cool.
Dave, are we going to have this meeting? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, and Beth, don't answer the phones.
Why would I do that? Okay, now, I've, uh-- I've narrowed down the candidates for a new on-air person to, uh, these two, but I just, you know, thought we should make the decision as a group.
Oh, I have an idea.
Oh, what? Go to hell.
Ah.
Well, anyone else have anything? Um, how many résumés did you look through? About a hundred.
Who are the finalists? Uh, well, we got these two here.
We've got Jack Callaway, who's been with the number one news radio station in L.
A.
for eight years and he's been nominated for two Peabody Awards.
And he has a total afro.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Look, Jack-- Jack comes very highly rec-- My name's Jack Callaway.
Bow down before my wondrous afro.
That's not fair, Joe.
[WITH HIGH VOICE.]
Fight the power.
We'll come back to Jack later.
Good idea.
Now our second candidate is a very experienced woman, uh, Janice Sanburger.
Hamburger.
[ALL LAUGH.]
She's a veteran of three major market stations, and, uh, Miss Sanburger-- Hamburger.
Speaking of hamburger, this guy's pretty cute.
Uh, yes, but too bad he's in the reject pile.
This guy's name is Skye Maximus.
What a dork.
Well, this little lady calls herself June Showers.
Look at this stupid fool, Frank Peterson.
Stupid fool.
You know, the people on the reject pile are there for a reason.
Oh, come on.
What's the matter with a comparison shopping? Look at this guy.
He can't even spell his own name right.
Look, Max Lewis.
Beth, that's how you spell Max.
Really? With an x? Yes.
Yeah, we've all had our fun.
Can we please-- Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Listen to this.
"1985-86 'Indianapolis Morning Zoo' Co-anchor: Bill McNeal.
" Oh, let me see that.
You know, I think this guy played, uh-- Played golf with me and Bill one time.
Wait a minute.
You mean, he was a friend of Bill's? That's nice, but he's never done news.
That's why he's in the reject pile.
Matthew, did you hear that? What if we hired someone who was a friend of Bill's? Bill would have wanted that, right? I don't know.
This guy looks like he's just pretending to be a friend of Bill's.
We can't hire someone just because he may have been a friend of Bill's.
Okay.
Hang on, everybody.
Dave, let me see you outside, please.
Dave, I really think you should consider this Max Lewis guy.
Well, I did consider him, but he's just not qualified.
Dave, it's not about qualifications, it's about chemistry.
Look, there's a whole group of people in there who miss Bill very much.
Maybe hiring a friend of his will help us ease over this rough patch.
Perhaps.
But it doesn't seem right to hire someone because the mob dictates it.
Yeah, well-- Well, ring, ring, hello? Don't you know the benefits of getting along with the mob? No.
All right, let me tell you.
Take that mob of villagers that chased Frankenstein through the streets.
Now, wouldn't it have been smarter for Frankenstein to pick up the torch and help the villagers hunt down some other freak? That's a very good point, sir.
Thank you.
All right, everybody.
Shh.
[WITH RASPY VOICE.]
I really dig your enormous forehead, big boy.
[WITH LOW VOICE.]
Why, thank you.
I do have five Peabody awards.
Ooh, what are we waiting for? Let's get cooking.
Ooh.
Ooh.
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
Well, back to the matter at hand.
Yes, which is hiring Bill's friend, Max.
Yeah.
Actually, I wanted to make another pitch for Jack Callaway.
Well, Max does have a pretty impressive résumé.
He's had 37 jobs in 20 years.
Sounds like a veteran.
Sounds like a drifter.
If we don't go with Jack, there's Janice Sanburger-- Hamburger.
--who has been nominated for, uh, three Peabody awards.
Yes, but Max Lewis has actually won a Peabody award.
Look, all we know is that he worked with Bill.
We don't know for sure that they were friends.
Really? Then why does he list Bill as a reference? I don't know, I didn't notice.
You know, Dave, truthfully, Bill wasn't always the easiest person to like.
I mean, we loved him, but a lot of people found him kind of abrasive.
Anyway, if this Max Lewis guy was Bill's friend, he's probably just the kind of easy-going, laid-back kind of guy we'd want in the office.
Well All right, let's give Max a shot.
All right? Hey.
[PAGER BEEPING.]
Pagers.
Everybody, give me your pagers.
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Matthew, pager, pager! What? [MUFFLED EXPLOSION.]
Never mind.
That tickled.
[.]
All right.
The guard called up from the lobby.
Max Lewis should be here any second.
This is quite a welcoming committee.
Yeah, would have been, but the Jimmy James' Stunt Driving Team got caught in traffic, so [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Shh.
Here he is.
JIMMY: Hey, Max.
On behalf of all of us at WNYX, wel-- [CRASHING.]
I'm on it.
Right this way, Max.
And, again, I'm terribly sorry about that whole elevator fiasco.
Oh, don't be silly.
I enjoyed it.
It was fun.
I'm always up for something new and exciting.
And that's why they call me "Can-Do Max Lou is.
" Yes.
That's why I think I would be a great addition to your operation, Doug.
It's Dave.
Here's my picture and résumé.
I think you'll find I'm highly qualified and handsome.
Well, I-I know that you are.
That's why I hired you.
So, what sort of a person are you looking to hire, Doug? Dave.
Well, you can hire this Dave fellow, but I can tell you this, he's no Max Lewis.
No, Max.
I don't think you understand the situation.
This isn't a job interview.
What? Well, just-- All right, just give me a chance.
No-- No, no, Max.
Look at my interests.
It really isn't necessary.
No, please.
I don't really.
I can't.
No, just give me a chance.
All right.
All right.
Special interests.
Um, tai chi.
That is correct.
I studied under the tutelage of Master Ten Shuck Sung.
That's very impressive.
Uh, avid swimmer.
Freestyle, if you please.
Bowling.
Lifetime average: One-- Two-ninety.
Uh, and country line dancing.
I'm gonna need your help on this one.
No, that won't be necessary, Max, really.
Now, look, Doug, I know you're thinking, "How could one man be fired "from 37 different jobs? How is that possible?" Honestly, Max, it hadn't crossed my mind.
But how is that possible? That's not important.
What's important is I've done it all.
Rock, country, chat, Yes.
hard rock, soft rock, soft country, soft country chat.
Yes, Max, I know.
But around here, we pretty much just do all news all the time.
All what? All news.
How often? All the time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bill never mentioned that.
Oh.
Now, were you guys very close? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Great guy.
Yes, he was.
Did you know he was always the first person to call me whenever I got fired? He called a lot.
Uh, welcome aboard, Max.
I know the rest of the staff can't wait to meet you, so why don't-- Wait, wait-- Does this mean I'm hired? Yes, yes.
Yes, it does, Max.
Wow, I can't believe I pulled that off.
It is rather astonishing.
Who the hell do you think you are? [.]
[.]
Joseph, I don't know how you expect me to get any work done when you're on my computer.
You never do any work.
All you do is play computer solitaire.
Yeah, well, one man's computer solitaire is another man's bread and butter.
What? I don't Just-- Can you get off my computer, please, so I can play? Look, I can't.
Your computer's frozen up.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Here.
What are these? It's a real pack of cards.
Play real solitaire.
But I can't.
I just-- I don't-- Oh, yeah, those look kind of familiar.
Just-- Just play.
Go ahead.
[SIGHS.]
Wow.
For the first time, this whole Year 2000 thing is really starting to scare me.
Uh, Lisa? Yeah? Lisa, I'd like you to meet Max.
Max, this is Lisa, our other anchor.
Your co-anchor.
You'll be working with her in the booth there.
It's nice to meet you, Max.
Hello, fellow co-anchor lady.
I was thinking maybe you could show Max around.
Sure, I'd be happy to.
Great.
I'll be in my office if you should need me.
Hey, don't worry about us.
We'll be just fine.
[MAX CHUCKLES.]
Help.
I don't know how to do it.
Do what? All news, all the time.
I've never done this.
Oh.
It's really very simple, actually.
Then why am I having a panic attack, the dark-haired radio person? I-- Lisa, first of all.
Okay, I don't have time for names.
I need a desk.
Okay.
Use mine.
Here, use my desk for now.
Just sit down.
Oh, okay, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Hey.
This isn't my stuff.
Hey.
Hey.
Now, tell me everything you know about news.
Pronto.
What about it? Everything.
I know nothing about it.
I need information.
I need it five minutes ago.
This isn't helping.
I gotta find somebody to help me.
You.
Who are you? What do you do? I'm Joe.
I'm the electrician.
No time for names.
Just tell me about the news, electrical man.
That crap they air and pretend it's news or the real news the government thinks we're too stupid to understand? You're obviously useless and probably drunk! You are obviously tense, so why don't you just take a deep breath and relax.
Okay? Okay.
I don't have time to breathe.
Let's just stop with the chitchat and give me some information I can use because-- Oh, hello, kitty.
Who have we here? Beth, this is our new anchor, Max Lewis.
Max, Beth.
Hello, Barbara.
Beth.
Why do you people insist I learn your names? What are you trying to do to me? You're it.
Oh, I get it.
You people want me fired.
No, we don't.
Then why all the head games? You know, if you want, I have some muscle relaxers that I use for menstrual cramps.
Uh Hey, uh Eh, no.
No, I gotta stay focused.
Oh, God.
God gave me this chance.
I'm gonna blow it! He's gonna can my ass in half a second.
[SOBBING.]
Is everything okay out here? Golden, my main man.
Golden.
[.]
No, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.
I just hired him, there's no way I'm gonna turn around and fire him.
Why not? It's not like he's not expecting it.
He's just a little nervous.
No, Dave, he's not nervous, he's a masochist.
The guy loves to suffer.
Lisa's right.
LISA: Yeah.
Only a matter of time before he shows up in a hair shirt and one of those black leather zipper masks.
That's a good point.
The thing is that we're upset about the fact that he won't even bother to learn our names.
Face it.
Max Lewis has been a deadweight around our neck for far too long.
He's only been here two hours.
Did anybody do a background check on him? No.
Unfortunately, the CIA field office was closed today so I didn't have the opportu-- [MUFFLED EXPLOSION.]
Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
I forgot you keep your fax machine in there.
You know, I hate to have to say this, but I will.
You guys picked him.
You'll just have to live with him.
Whoa, slow down there, David.
You can make me work with him, but there's no way I'm living with him.
[.]
Ah, Max, good.
I wanted to talk to you.
Oh.
Listen, Doug.
You gave me a chance and I blew it.
So fire away.
No, I'm not gonna fire you.
If you need help, I'll help you.
I'll be you, you be me.
"Max, you're fired.
" Now you.
"No, it's 38 jobs.
Please.
Max, Thirty eight.
" Max, sit down, all right? You're-- You're not fired, all right? You're not fired.
All right? In fact, I came here to make a rather bold pronouncement.
Max.
You will not be fired today.
Ah.
Tomorrow.
No.
Nor tomorrow.
In fact, Max Lewis, you will not be fired for the next two weeks.
You heard me right, Max.
For the next two weeks, nothing you do will get you fired.
[SIGHS.]
Two whole weeks of worry-free employment? That's right.
Hey.
Maybe I can actually move out of the Y.
Max, with two weeks of guaranteed employment stretching out before you, you can relax.
Be yourself.
I think we'll all be happy with the results.
Okay, I-- Okay.
Thank you, Doug.
I can do this.
I-I know that you can, I know.
Now, I've brought in some, uh-- Some news copy I'd like you to go over and let me know-- Mm.
Is-- Is this a work-related conversation? Yes.
Oh, well, Can it wait? I'm having my lunch.
I just figured that while you're eating, you could go-- You know what? I'd hate to point this out, but paragraph 4-E of the 1987 OSHA Workplace Bylaws clearly states that an employee is entitled to one uninterrupted lunch hour and two 15-minutes breaks during each eight-hour work day.
Yes, technically, that's true, but in news radio-- [MUTTERING.]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Now, Max-- I'm sorry.
I would love to talk, but I'm kind of a stickler about constitutional rights.
Just who I am.
[.]
Uh, everyone? You win.
I see things your way.
I am going to fire Max.
You can't fire him.
No.
I don't think that's a good idea.
JOE: Don't do it, dude.
LISA: Don't fire him, Dave.
He got to you, didn't he? What did he--? What did he do? What did he say? How did he--? What-- what? What evil game are we playing, little man? Dave, Hm? I know I've been more against this Max character than anyone, but, you know, I've done a lot of stupid things in my time.
No, no, no, I have.
And now that I've gotten to know him, I think he's kind of a smart guy.
Based on what? Well, Dave, if you're gonna get technical on me, I should point out that I am eating my lunch.
No, no, no.
No, no.
All right, all right.
I think that perhaps we have all lost sight of why we are here.
Lisa, you know what? I should point out that I still am eating my lunch.
Shut up, Matthew.
We're here because we're a radio station.
Yes, we're friends.
Yes, we love each other.
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
But first and foremost, we are a radio station.
And your point is? My point is, if he's any good on the air, we keep him.
If he's not, we fire him.
That is a good point, but how we'll be able to tell if he's any good on the air? Well, we could listen to one of our own broadcasts.
Does anybody have a radio? A what? BETH: I've got one.
MAX [ON RADIO.]
: The tariff increase, but recent declines in trading with depressed Asian markets made it inevitable.
Nice voice.
Clean pipes.
Before I go on with the news, I would like to read a personal message to the listening audience.
Okay, here it comes.
Get ready to cut the feed, Joe.
Let me, uh, start off by saying that I've had a rather spotty professional career.
To be frank, I've been fired a lot.
Too many times to count.
Okay, 37.
But so far, the people here at WNYX haven't fired me.
In fact, they even let me on the air, which is promising.
And so, whatever the future may bring, I'd like to take the time now to offer my profoundest thanks to the whole gang here.
The station's owner, Mr.
Jameson, Barbara, the red-headed temptress, Beautiful Brown-Haired Journalism Woman, Tall Skinny Guy With Glasses, Electrical Man, of course.
And especially the man who has given me the confidence to be myself, my new news director, Dave Nelson.
And most importantly, I promise to do the best job I can.
And in doing so, honor the memory of my dear friend, Bill McNeal.
Now, on with the news.
The State Assemblyman, Bruce Sparks Okay.
We keep him.
Bipartisan consensus-- I'm sorry, Doug Nelson.
Thanks again, Doug.
[.]
[.]