Nip/Tuck s05e02 Episode Script
Joyce & Sharon Monroe
Previously on Nip/Tuck Fiona Mcneil, publicist.
I have a unique opportunity that would fit you guys like a surgeon's glove.
Hearts'n scalpels.
We start production on episode 6 on tuesday, and I have no case.
We want producer credits - and the occasional line.
- How soon can you start? Look.
It's the new cute doctor from Hearts'n scalpels.
Plastic surgery is an actor's worst nightmare.
Say I was gonna do that exact same picture.
Would you have to fix anything? Guess who just got a face-lift.
Carly Summers.
Tell me what you don't like about yourself, miss Monroe.
I had it legally changed for professional reasons.
That's pretty good.
I don't usually go for the plus-size gals, but I always had a thing for Marilyn.
What do you do, parties, theme parks? The walk of fame.
I stand outside Grauman's chinese theatre and take pictures with tourists.
- Theater pays you for that? - No.
I'm an independent contractor.
I work for tips.
I was the highest earner on the block.
I made more than even Chewbacca and Superman until she got in the way.
Now no one wants me.
They only want her.
Sorry.
Late night on the set.
You were wonderful in last week's episode, doctor.
Such dramatic intensity.
I would love to be on that show.
So you were talking about some woman that you worked with.
Sharon.
Who's Sharon do? Anyone she can get her slutty little hands on.
She does Marilyn, too.
It used to be OK.
She would do noon to 6:00, and I would do 6:00 to midnight.
We were friends.
What happened? First she started staying later She has no boundaries.
Here's the thing.
Sharon's more talented than me.
I own that.
She has a wonderful voice, and she dances like a dream, but I have more star appeal.
It used to be we each had a piece of the pie, but now she's honing in on my territory, and it's not fair.
The walk of fame has become a battlefield, doctors.
I need a bigger set of torpedoes to give myself a competive edge.
You want breast implants.
The idea being bigger boobies, bigger tips.
Bingo, baby.
OK, baby.
So, look, I don't mean to be rude, but in your line of work, you sure you gonna be able to afford this? I've saved up.
Sure it hurts to crack open the nest egg, but what option do I have? This is my livelihood.
I have an opening on, thursday morning.
You're wonderful, Dr.
Troy.
But I couldn't pass up the opportunity to work with a star.
I was hoping Dr.
Mcnamara could do me.
I'd be happy to do you.
Thank you ever so.
YST & ::ITA-SA:: Season 5 Episode 02 Joyce & Sharon Monroe Save a life.
What's the stat, nurse? severed the right arm in the field.
Severed right arm! We have a severed right arm! - 1, 2, 3.
- Vitals! Vitals! I need vitals! I need a tray of instruments here.
Arm.
Give me the arm.
I will have this man swimming the breast stroke in the nile by the end of this year, so help me god! Nurse, I want an esmarch bandage, stat.
- That was the last one, doctor.
- What? We're all out.
How could a hospital be out of tourniquets? by that falling saw blade, Jamie.
This is not Baghdad.
Severed limbs are not an everyday occurrence at seaside general.
We'll dealing with a severe arterial hemorrhage, doctor.
- He's going into shock.
- OK, Peter, go round up some neckties.
- What? - Oh, goddamn it! It's casual friday! Wait! He's going into shock.
We're gonna lose him.
That's enough.
That's enough.
That's enough.
That's enough.
I got you.
Don't worry.
It's not tight enough, doctors.
- I need it tighter! - Well, tighten it.
Get a clamp! So - Somebody get a clamp, something! - Get an ekg! Ekg! We need an ekg! OK, cut.
Come on.
What's wrong, darling? You were perfection.
How come I'm the only one in my goddamn underwear? The network says we have to show more skin.
More exposure translates to higher ratings.
Well, why can't kate take her top off? I'd be like a deer caught in those headlights.
Aidan, you're a man tart.
That's your job.
I am a classically trained actress.
I know.
I know.
Juilliard, royal shakespeare company - Yeah, broadway.
In the park.
- Oh, give me a break, kate, OK? The only reason why you have this job is you're a hot piece of ass.
Everybody knows that.
She doesn't take her clothes off, I'm not.
You know, come on.
I'm bloated.
You gave me 24 hours notice.
That's lunch, everyone.
12:12 to 12:42.
Make it safe and walk away.
Excuse me, Kate.
You were really good in there.
- Really realistic.
- Thank you very much.
I spent a week with Dr.
Sam Nussbaum over at cedars.
You know, if you wanna view one of our operations, you could scrub in, see how we do it up close.
Really? Wow.
I yeah.
That would be fantastic.
When? Sorry.
Hang on.
Hi, mom You're kidding.
Well, are you sure? No, Sean wait! Hey, mom, can I call you right back? What are you doing sunday? We don't operate on sundays, so I know this is last-minute, but my mom just canceled on me.
Do you happen to have a tux? - A tux.
I could get one.
- OK! - 6:00.
Yeah, 6:00.
OK.
- Yeah.
All right.
OK.
- I'm hearing a song for the first time.
- Yep.
Finally understand what it's about, you know? Being famous, wanting a true connection.
I was mobbed at the dry cleaners this morning.
I heard you tell the receptionist, all right? Enjoy your 15 minutes, buddy.
It's gonna be my time soon.
By this afternoon, the phones are gonna be jammed with people trying to get an appointment with these famous fingers.
What happens this afternoon? The latest issue ofusmagazine hits the shelves.
A little birdie told me that, Carly summers'face-lift is on the cover, along with the identity of a very, very skilled plastic surgeon.
- You leaked it? - How could you? She's a friend of mine.
And I signed a confidentiality agreement.
I have no idea where they got that story.
I do.
It came from me.
Take a closer look.
"Carly summers attributes her youthful new look to a daily regimen of juicing and bikram yoga.
" Not exactly the story you were hoping for, is it? Bold move going to the press to land yourself some publicity, but ultimately idiotic, kiddo.
If you had any idea how the game was really played, you would know Fiona Mcneil has her hand so far up the ass of every publisher in this town, they wouldn't consider taking a dump without consulting her first.
And speaking of dumping, you're out.
Get yourself another publicist.
- Wait.
Fiona, I'm so - Sorry? Corrupt? Save it.
You're right.
I'm an asshole.
The town's full of assholes.
What makes you special? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
You know, I used to walk down the street, and people would look at me men, women.
They all wanted to be me or be with me.
Now it's just I don't know who I am anymore.
I still can't figure out why leak this story? Thanks to me, Mcnamara/Troy was getting an ample piece of the plastic surgery pie.
Mcnamara's getting the piece.
And Troy's not content with his partner's crumbs.
No.
Look, I'm not proud of this.
Sean's like a brother to me.
I was the one who followed him out here, gave up everything I worked for money, prestige, sex.
I had Miami by the balls.
You were also, what, You should have picked a different venue to have a midlife cris in.
You're never going to be the new face in town, just some 40-something dying for a comeback.
You're the one who can give it to me.
Please just give me another chance.
I'll pay anything you want.
Oh, goodness.
You were a charming escortcort, Dr.
Mcnamara.
- Well, thank you, darling.
Thank you.
- You didn't know who anyone was.
I can't believe that soap opera medical show won.
Are you kidding me? No, it's ratings.
It's stupid.
No, I was very impressed.
When they called that other actress'name Mariska Hargitay.
She always wins.
Aw, whoever she is.
You handled it with such grace.
Everyone knew it should have been you up there winning that award.
Oh, that's, um that's really sweet, sean.
Thank you.
I wanted to do that in the limo.
- Is that my consolation prize? - No, not at all.
I've been wanting to do it all night.
I guess I'm just a little rusty.
Sean, you should go.
Sean, the limo's waiting.
Please, I want you to go.
Are are you crying? You're not a very good listener, are you? - I'm sorry.
I did I thought - You thought wrong.
But Mcnamara/Troy did her boobies.
Well, Chewbacca told me so.
Listen, I could bring you in a ton of business.
Aquaman's been telling me he's considering pec implants.
Don't take this the wrong way, sweetheart, but if the crazies of the world wanna pay top dollar to worship dead movie stars, maybe they're better off going to madame tussauds.
You need to get yourself a life, sweetie pie, one of your own.
I tried.
I wanted to be an actress.
Just wasn't special enough.
Just another face in the crowd, except when it came to impersonating her.
She's a goddess, you know.
And even though I know I'm just a copy, kinda made me feel like a goddess, too, you know? Till she came along.
Joyce.
She's not as good as me, you know.
But that doesn't matter here now, does it? Because she's just gonna wow the crowd with her big new tits, and Steal tips that are rightfully mine.
Do you know what that's like to be something special and to watch someone who doesn't deserve it take what belongs to you? I can pay, doctor.
*********** Please - Yeah? - Christian.
- Hey, Julia.
What's up? - Uh, I-is this a bad time? I could No, no, no.
No.
I got a photo shoot tomorrow.
I'm just wondering smile or no smile? Wow.
A photo shoot? You two are really taking L.
A.
By storm.
I caught sean on the show.
Yeah, jesus.
Did you see that thing? What a piece of I couldn't believe it was him.
He looked so handsome on camera.
Is he around? I was sort of hoping to catch you both in.
Is there something wrong? No.
No, um, I just wanted to know if you were both gonna be around next weekend.
I was thinking of coming out, and Annie has a little break, so, you know, I thought it might be fun.
Julia, I've known you for 22 years.
You don't just hop on a plane and cross-country on a whim.
Spill it.
I'm seeing someone, and it's serious.
We're moving in together.
Jesus.
I just didn't want to surprise him with it on the phone.
I'd rather do it in person.
But you don't mind surprising me? Well, we will talk about it when I'm there, OK? I can't wait to see you.
Bye.
So when can I get out of here and show off my new tits? Sharon's going to be pea green with envy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought this room was gonna be empty.
What is she doing here? Trying to steal my doctor now, you bitch? I was the one here first.
You're moving in on my turf again.
I won't stay in here with that imposter I want my own room.
I'm sorry, but this is the only one that's available.
Then kick her out.
You brought me in here.
- You have to take care of me.
- Oh, I will.
Did you actually go out, find that woman and bring her here on purpose?! She came to me.
Her american express card worked.
I made us some money.
What's wrong with that? You know, you trying to one-up me all the time is gonna drive patients away, not bring 'em in the door.
I wasn't trying to one-up you.
And you know what? I think this could be a positive thing.
You know, those girls, they're good friends.
Being locked up in a room together could help 'em get back together.
God, this is so like you.
Any time I get a little taste of something good, you can't handle it! - Bullshit.
Like when? - Like, oh, I don't know, Julia.
I meet the woman I'm gonna marry, and you have to sleep with her the night before the ceremony? I've apologized a thousand times.
What, do I have to apologize for the new guy she's moving in with as well? - What? - Nothing.
What do you mean, "the new guy she's moving in with"? Julia called the house yesterday.
She wanted to tell you personally, but, you know, she met someone.
She's moving in with him.
Well, that's great.
She's seeing someone.
Since when are you seeing someone? I'm having a little fling with somebody on the show, an actress.
Well, there's a bit of a difference here.
You're not moving in with your current piece of ass.
Yet.
- Come on, let me apologize.
- You don't need to apologize.
I do.
I've given it a lot of thought, and I see where I missed your signal.
Look, I don't wanna talk about it, OK? I just What's wrong with you? I'm trying to defuse the situation.
That was no fun at all on the set today.
I want to apologize so we can move on.
Wow.
What? What, you're a dreamboat and a gentleman? I mean, is there anything I can hate about you? Look, I'm the one that should apologize, OK? I'm the crazy-ass bitch, not you.
My god.
What, could I be more of an insane person? You're an actress.
A little passion is part of the package, right? Look, I just I'm from New York, you know.
It's a different world out here.
I haven't learned how to tell if, you know, people like me or if they like the fact that I'm a star of a hit show.
You know, I feel like an imposter half the time.
I mean, my idea of a fun evening is curling up with a cup of decaf earl grey and a paddy chayefsky play.
You forget that I'm new in this town, too.
All I know is the world of medicine.
In fact, you're gonna have to remind me who paddy chayefsky is.
I like you, Sean, I guess I don't know.
I got scared when you liked me back so fast.
That's why I freaked out.
I'm really sorry.
So we'll take a step back.
We'll go slow.
But the thing about me is that, you know, whomever I date has to be a friend first and then a lover, you know? Totally.
Totally.
Friends.
Friends.
Friends who kiss? Great.
Great, great.
Oh, bellissimo.
Oh, bellissimo.
OK, bravo.
We ready for the money shots? Why, you bet your wide-angle lens, baby.
I need to go to the storeroom for more film.
I'll be ready when you get back.
Just stay chubby, tiger.
I don't shoot hard-ons.
I'm literally putting my balls in your hands, Fiona.
You sure this is - Shall I turn around? - What's the point? It's not like you're not gonna see it on the newsstands next week, right? What what the hell? Don't look at me like that.
Jesus.
The last time my dick was this small, I was still in diapers.
Stage fright.
It's pretty common in these situations.
Shit.
We're gonna have to call the whole thing off.
What are you, leg man, ass man, tit man? Tit man why? Mommy issues.
Should have known.
Well, don't flatter yourself, shorty.
I put my neck on the line for this shoot.
If your cobra doesn't dance, i'm the one in trouble.
Look, no offense but do you really think the breasts of a woman your age are gonna play the right tune? Jesus.
- Fiona, they're fantastic.
- Why thank you.
Don't know what it is, genetics or just plain luck, but no matter how old I get, these champagne cups seem to be frozen in time.
I see we ready.
grazie.
- Prego.
- Oh, yeah, baby.
- We're ready.
- OK.
- Hello.
- Bad time? It's the usual dinnertime madness.
Oh, sorry.
I keep forgetting the time difference.
- How are the kids? - They're wonderful.
Well, exhausting, but, um, annie can't wait to come and see you.
She seems to have finally adjusted to school.
Of course, it helps that her daddy's a television star.
Come on.
I only say a line or two.
Oh, well, I think you're very believable.
Listen, christian tells me that you've met someone and Goddamn it, sean.
I didn't want you to hear it from him.
You know christian.
He just pushes and pushes, and ucch.
Julia, it's fine.
I'm glad you've met someone.
I want you to be happy.
It's just sort of something that happened.
Hey, it's good.
We both gotta get on with our lives, right? You know, I think I might have met someone.
- It's a little too early to tell but - That's wonderful.
Yeah.
I don't want to put the cart before the horse, but there's definitely something there.
I mean, she's not your typical actress or anything.
A-an actress? From the show? Yeah.
And, uh, what about you? Tell me abo Mr.
Right.
Christian says you're moving in together.
I'll tell you all about it when the kids and I come in to see you, OK? It's just a little crazy right now.
Sure.
Sure, I'm sorry.
Give 'em both big kisses for me.
- Take care, Jules.
- Yeah.
You, too.
You OK? - Hi.
- Hey.
They let you out early.
- How are you? - Good.
You know.
There's this restaurant in Malibu.
It's right on the beach.
Actually, you know what, Sean? This is sort of a professional call.
What could you possibly want changed? Uh, well, it's about, uh, the show.
- Can we-- do you mind if I sit? - Yeah.
Yeah.
years ago, when some casting agents saw me off-off-broadway, they said that if I ever wanted to do the Hollywood thing, that I'd have to drop some weight, you know, if I wanted a shot.
And I did.
I wanted it badly.
I dropped the weight and then, um, then I got plucked out of obscurity to do this pilot, and-- I mean, I think it's only a matter of time.
I'm gonna have to do a nude scene.
I mean, Aidan's made that really clear.
what is it, a little cellulite? I mean, who cares? - Look, show me.
It's ok.
- I can't.
- It's ok.
- You know what? It's bad enough the pictures of how I used to look are showing up on the internet.
You haven't seen them yet, you will.
- Shit, I hate Google.
- Look, you can show me anything.
I mean, old pictures, you in the flesh, I'm attracted to you.
Can you turn around? - Yeah.
- Ok.
You're dating a plastic surgeon, ok? I've pushed and pulled enough flesh to know that beauty is more than skin-deep.
Ok.
Y-you can turn around.
I, uh-- I had gastric bypass to drop the weight, and after I lost No problem.
Question.
What's hot and bare and hard all over? - You remember what this is, Lizzie? - Cheap porn.
Yeah.
I'm familiar with it.
I can't believe you posed for that magazine.
- What do you think? Huh? - It is so Burt Reynolds, 1972.
- Thank you.
- Very becoming for a doctor.
You've heard of doctor without borders.
Meet doctor without dignity.
O-ok.
Just for your information, Fiona says that this publication is iconic.
Moronic? Moronic, iconic.
That's very good.
I like that.
See, here's my thinking.
Only half of Miami got to see my dick, and look how much business that brought in.
Wait until this little puppy comes out.
Look at that.
"Dr.
Christian Troy.
" Ok? This office won't be flooded.
It'll be underwater.
Right, big boy.
Take your dick outside.
Huh? Does that make you feel sexy? Let's do some stapling.
What's what's-her-face doing here? She just wanted a few touch-ups.
What, did she lose a hundred pounds in a week or something? This is the chick you took to the awards thing, right? Her name is Kate.
She happens to be pretty special.
She seems very special.
You just add a mast and good wind, and you sail her around the planet.
I happen to like her, Christian.
I don't give a shit if she was once fat.
Julia met someone.
You met someone.
I get it.
The only thing you've got is a picture of your cock in a magazine.
This magazine is gonna bring in more of L.
A.
's hotties than you could ever imagine, my friend.
This guy, ok? Come on.
You won't have to settle for these rejects from the Macy's day parade.
The phones haven't stopped ringing, and you're booked solid all next week, and there's a walk-in waiting for you in your office.
Guess they wanna know who the big dick is.
Tell me what you don't like about yourself.
What I don't like, sweetheart, is that I don't have someone like you in my life.
That I'm sitting here, and you're sitting all the way over there.
I'm, uh-- I'm not a dermatologist.
I don't do full body mole checks.
- Come to apologize? - For what? Filling your appointment book with paying clients? I promised to get you work, not get you laid.
I didn't think you had any problem in that department.
You certainly bedded carly without my help.
So that's what this is about, huh? Revenge? People I get revenge on aren't double-booked for 6 weeks ahead.
You have tapped into thelifeblood of Hollywood.
Never heard of the gay mafia? Get the boys, and everyone else follows.
Paul Lynde is waiting in your office, Christian.
Ha.
Screw you, boob tube boy.
And just for the record, my layout has brought in twice as much business at your crappy tv show.
Not only that, have you ever heard about the gay mafia? Tell him about the mafia.
Is your divorce final, Sean? Yes.
Why? Good.
Means we won't have to fudge it.
People Magazine has requested you for their "50 Most Eligible Bachelor" issue.
- Him? - I pitched you both, of course, but Sean is the only one on tv every week.
The photo shoot's tomorrow.
Can you work that? Christian'll have to pick up a couple of my patients, but something like this could only be good for business.
You can do Kate's follow-up for me, can't you? Sure.
Oh.
Dr.
Troy, is Sean coming? You mean one of People Magazine's He's at a photo shoot right now getting his highlights redone.
You're kidding.
I was saying the same thing when I heard it myself.
Ok, I need to see how you're healing.
Could you - take off your gown for me, please? - Oh.
Sure.
Thanks.
Very nice.
You could do the sequel to "9 1/2 Weeks" in a month and nobody would know the difference.
And yet oddly, you seem disappointed.
No, it's, uh-- it's just I-- I thought Sean would wanna be here.
He hasn't really talked to me much since the operation.
What can I expect, right? I mean-- He just shaved 20 pounds of loose skin off my body.
I'm not attractive.
He can do so much better.
Is that what you think? Once a fatty, always a fatty.
I know how men in this town are.
Well, I'm a man in this town, and I'd be honored to have you on my arm.
Maybe, uh-- maybe we could go out to dinner.
You've always been beautiful.
Now you're-- now you're a complete knockout.
Careful where you poke down there.
I'm gonna need that later.
- What are you doing? - You like it? I just got it from Barneys.
Just need a few adjustments, that's all.
Why do you need a tux? People's Choice awards, my friend.
Black-tie affair.
And I told Kate I wouldn't be seen dead in a rental.
You're going out with Kate, my Kate? You can't be serious.
I wouldn't spend 2,000 bucks on a brand-new suit just to be jokin' around.
Those fat comments during her surgery, you just said all that to push me away so you could swoop in, didn't you? Now you're just bein' paranoid.
Wouldn't you be if your best friend kept trying to take away everything you ever cared about? You never cared about Kate.
You're embarrassed by her.
That's why you did the surgery in the first place.
And just so you know, she looks fantastic.
If there's anybody to blame, it's you.
Recovery-- we have a situation.
What's going on? Her pulse is thready, and she's nonresponsive, and there's an empty bottle of pills on the nightstand.
- Rozerem.
Sleeping pills.
- She gonna die? - Did you see how many of these she took? - I don't know.
Give me a gastric lavage.
We need pump her stomach.
Go.
What do you mean you don't know? You're sitting 3 feet away from her.
- What happened? - I don't know.
We got in a fight over who'd work the corner next week, and I said she couldn't compete with me anymore, and I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, she was groggy, and she said she was happy and she was finally gonna win.
- Win? Win what? - I don't know.
It didn't make sense.
She said after today, she was gonna go down in history as the-- the best Marilyn Monroe in the biz.
- Jesus.
- Joyce, can you hear me? How many pills did you take? Joyce! Now we gotta do this.
- I got it.
- No, I got it.
Ok, it doesn't matter.
Would one of you please put it down her throat? - I was gonna grab that one, Sean.
- Oh, bullshit.
That's not bullshit.
I've hardly eaten all day.
I need something to tide me over.
What happened to, "I'm lactose-intolerant"? But I am asshole-intolerant, so take it outside or take up a sport where you both can beat the crap out of each other somewhere else, 'cause I'm sick of watchin' it.
A woman almost died under your watch today, and you deal with it by fightin' over a Yoplait? Give me the Yoplait.
Give it to me.
Knock, knock.
- Hey, uh-- - Julia.
- I didn't think you were coming till-- - We weren't expecting you.
- I didn't mean to interrupt.
- Oh, doesn't matter.
They never listen to me anyway.
I'm just white noise in a lab coat.
- Jules, what are you doin' here? - I decided to just come, you know.
I-it felt so awkward on the phone, I thought, why wait? This is an important move for me, and, uh, I need you two to be onboard, well, for the kids.
I left them with my mother, and she's gonna bring them in a couple of days.
Oh, of course we're onboard.
I'm sure if you like him, he's gotta be great.
We just want you to be happy.
- Exactly.
- Thanks So-- When do we get to meet the lucky bastard? You bring him with you or what? - Ollie's not actually-- - Ollie? Ollie.
Sounds very upper crust.
Is Ollie rich? Yes, very.
And it's Olivia.
So how long you been playin' shnooker? I got into it late in life.
- I had a good teacher.
- I bet you did.
What's a dyke bar without a gang of Minnesota fats wannabes? - My daughter taught me.
- You have a daughter? That's fantastic.
What about dad? Did you pull him out of the drawer for thanksgiving to baste the turkey? She was conceived in my college dorm the good, old-fashioned way, by adding 2 hard bodies, a quart of rum and stirring.
Very kinky.
So where's papa now? Where do you think? After he impregnated me, I bit off his head.
How did your mother respond when she found out? Well, you know Erica.
She thought that being in a more egalitarian relationship would be good for me until she found out that Olivia was a doctor of traditional chinese medicine, and then-- ho.
She became "a lesbian snake-oil peddler.
" I bet I started lookin' pretty good to her.
So is Olivia your first? I don't know if it's a question of being gay or not, Sean.
I just fell in love with her.
you were in love with me.
yes, but this is different somehow.
You know, it's easier-- the sex, communication.
So you ever fantasize about women when I was screwing you? Wes, but it-- you know, a lot of straight women do.
It's common.
I am so sorry, Sean.
I put you through hell, and maybe all the time, this was the reason why.
- I kicked his ass.
- True.
She did.
- You ready, babe? - Oh, why not stay for dinner? You can explain the indigo girls phenomenon.
We have a dinner date with my daughter.
I'll be in town until sunday.
Um, we'll have dinner at the weekend.
Bye.
I can't stop wondering.
You think she yells out "Ollie" or "Livie" when she's-- - Shut up.
- I didn't say anything.
It's what you're not saying.
It's what I know you're thinking.
Just say it.
You're thinking she wouldn't be a lesbian if she'd been married to you, that I must be such a lousy lay that my wife went from dwarf humping to carpet munching.
It's not funny.
I'm not laughing at you.
I'm laughing at us.
I mean, come on.
It is funny.
Think about it.
After all these years Julia was the reason for our "who's got the biggest dick" contest, now we find out she doesn't even like 'em.
She's a dyke.
- Julia is a dyke.
- Don't call her that.
- You get that.
- She's the mother of our children, ok? - Carpet muncher's nicer.
- Beaver bumper.
Muff diver.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
Well, now neither of us gets her.
Too bad she didn't figure it out when we were in college.
I've spent a lot of years barkin' up the wrong tree.
Look, I only went after Kate because you wanted her.
I-- I'm sorry, all right? I don't know what it is.
It's like I'm hypnotized or something.
Here.
That'll make up for the last time.
She's yours, not mine.
Thank you.
- Kate? - Be right down.
Wow.
You look beautiful.
- Please accept my apologies.
- For what? Pretending to be a great guy and then disappearing? Where's Christian? He bowed out when I told him that we were seeing each other.
So I don't have a say? You two just played "pass the fat girl" and assume I should be grateful that anyone shows up at my doorstep at all? Am I caught in the middle of some weird game that you two get off on? Absolutely not.
I mean, my partner has a definite eye for the ladies, but the reason I kind of disappeared has nothing to do with you.
I got caught up.
My ex-wife came to town, and she came to inform me she's in a new relationship.
Are you still in love with her? Trust me.
Julia and I are over, truly, finally over.
That's why I'm here.
Puthese in some water, and I'll wait for you in the limo.
I'll drive.
We can play the chauffeur and the naughty starlet.
Why is it so hard to say no to you? Because I look so handsome in this tux? Come on, Kate.
I don't wanna go.
You think that Hargitay lady's gonna kick your ass again? I am just sick of actors competing with other actors for meaningless trophies.
Yes, she's gonna kick my ass again.
I'm gonna kiss you.
Are you gonna hit me? I don't know.
Why don't we stay in, order out, - and watch an old movie? - That sounds perfect.
Come on in here, cutie.
Cheeseburger.
Say, that's all right, mama.
- God bless you.
Thank you, sweetie.
- Hey, Elvis.
Elvis.
Hey, fat Elvis.
Hey, hey.
Come here for a second.
What's up, man? I'm lookin' for Marilyn Monroe, actually 2 Marilyn Monroes.
You seen 'em? Yeah, I might know where they're at, baby.
All right.
Right over there, amongst all the asian tourists.
- Beautiful.
- Go get 'em, pa.
All right.
Come on, who's next for Elvis? Whatever happened to the battle of the blondes? Dr.
Troy.
What are you doing here? I always do follow-ups on my movie star patients.
What happened? We decided that 2 Marilyns were better than one.
Especially since Joyce came up with the idea of us both wearing the costume from the Seven Year Itch.
It really shows off our brand-new tits, don't you think? I can't think of a better way to advertise.
Maybe you should hand out my card.
We'd love to, especially since you're the reason that we're friends again.
You did save my life, but you made me realize my life was worth saving.
If only the real Marilyn had had as good a friend.
Oh, yes, but if only she had as good a business mind as you do.
We're making moremore money together than we ever did competing.
That's for sure.
I think I know a way you can make more money than just standing on this corner, ladies.
What did you have in mind? Make me feel like a star.
I wanna be loved by you just you, nobody else but you I wanna be loved by you alone, I wanna be kissed by, you, just you, nobody else but you, I wanna be kissed by you alone Dr.
Troy.
Oh, you're wonderful.
_/Yellow Sub\_ contact@yellowsubteam.
com
I have a unique opportunity that would fit you guys like a surgeon's glove.
Hearts'n scalpels.
We start production on episode 6 on tuesday, and I have no case.
We want producer credits - and the occasional line.
- How soon can you start? Look.
It's the new cute doctor from Hearts'n scalpels.
Plastic surgery is an actor's worst nightmare.
Say I was gonna do that exact same picture.
Would you have to fix anything? Guess who just got a face-lift.
Carly Summers.
Tell me what you don't like about yourself, miss Monroe.
I had it legally changed for professional reasons.
That's pretty good.
I don't usually go for the plus-size gals, but I always had a thing for Marilyn.
What do you do, parties, theme parks? The walk of fame.
I stand outside Grauman's chinese theatre and take pictures with tourists.
- Theater pays you for that? - No.
I'm an independent contractor.
I work for tips.
I was the highest earner on the block.
I made more than even Chewbacca and Superman until she got in the way.
Now no one wants me.
They only want her.
Sorry.
Late night on the set.
You were wonderful in last week's episode, doctor.
Such dramatic intensity.
I would love to be on that show.
So you were talking about some woman that you worked with.
Sharon.
Who's Sharon do? Anyone she can get her slutty little hands on.
She does Marilyn, too.
It used to be OK.
She would do noon to 6:00, and I would do 6:00 to midnight.
We were friends.
What happened? First she started staying later She has no boundaries.
Here's the thing.
Sharon's more talented than me.
I own that.
She has a wonderful voice, and she dances like a dream, but I have more star appeal.
It used to be we each had a piece of the pie, but now she's honing in on my territory, and it's not fair.
The walk of fame has become a battlefield, doctors.
I need a bigger set of torpedoes to give myself a competive edge.
You want breast implants.
The idea being bigger boobies, bigger tips.
Bingo, baby.
OK, baby.
So, look, I don't mean to be rude, but in your line of work, you sure you gonna be able to afford this? I've saved up.
Sure it hurts to crack open the nest egg, but what option do I have? This is my livelihood.
I have an opening on, thursday morning.
You're wonderful, Dr.
Troy.
But I couldn't pass up the opportunity to work with a star.
I was hoping Dr.
Mcnamara could do me.
I'd be happy to do you.
Thank you ever so.
YST & ::ITA-SA:: Season 5 Episode 02 Joyce & Sharon Monroe Save a life.
What's the stat, nurse? severed the right arm in the field.
Severed right arm! We have a severed right arm! - 1, 2, 3.
- Vitals! Vitals! I need vitals! I need a tray of instruments here.
Arm.
Give me the arm.
I will have this man swimming the breast stroke in the nile by the end of this year, so help me god! Nurse, I want an esmarch bandage, stat.
- That was the last one, doctor.
- What? We're all out.
How could a hospital be out of tourniquets? by that falling saw blade, Jamie.
This is not Baghdad.
Severed limbs are not an everyday occurrence at seaside general.
We'll dealing with a severe arterial hemorrhage, doctor.
- He's going into shock.
- OK, Peter, go round up some neckties.
- What? - Oh, goddamn it! It's casual friday! Wait! He's going into shock.
We're gonna lose him.
That's enough.
That's enough.
That's enough.
That's enough.
I got you.
Don't worry.
It's not tight enough, doctors.
- I need it tighter! - Well, tighten it.
Get a clamp! So - Somebody get a clamp, something! - Get an ekg! Ekg! We need an ekg! OK, cut.
Come on.
What's wrong, darling? You were perfection.
How come I'm the only one in my goddamn underwear? The network says we have to show more skin.
More exposure translates to higher ratings.
Well, why can't kate take her top off? I'd be like a deer caught in those headlights.
Aidan, you're a man tart.
That's your job.
I am a classically trained actress.
I know.
I know.
Juilliard, royal shakespeare company - Yeah, broadway.
In the park.
- Oh, give me a break, kate, OK? The only reason why you have this job is you're a hot piece of ass.
Everybody knows that.
She doesn't take her clothes off, I'm not.
You know, come on.
I'm bloated.
You gave me 24 hours notice.
That's lunch, everyone.
12:12 to 12:42.
Make it safe and walk away.
Excuse me, Kate.
You were really good in there.
- Really realistic.
- Thank you very much.
I spent a week with Dr.
Sam Nussbaum over at cedars.
You know, if you wanna view one of our operations, you could scrub in, see how we do it up close.
Really? Wow.
I yeah.
That would be fantastic.
When? Sorry.
Hang on.
Hi, mom You're kidding.
Well, are you sure? No, Sean wait! Hey, mom, can I call you right back? What are you doing sunday? We don't operate on sundays, so I know this is last-minute, but my mom just canceled on me.
Do you happen to have a tux? - A tux.
I could get one.
- OK! - 6:00.
Yeah, 6:00.
OK.
- Yeah.
All right.
OK.
- I'm hearing a song for the first time.
- Yep.
Finally understand what it's about, you know? Being famous, wanting a true connection.
I was mobbed at the dry cleaners this morning.
I heard you tell the receptionist, all right? Enjoy your 15 minutes, buddy.
It's gonna be my time soon.
By this afternoon, the phones are gonna be jammed with people trying to get an appointment with these famous fingers.
What happens this afternoon? The latest issue ofusmagazine hits the shelves.
A little birdie told me that, Carly summers'face-lift is on the cover, along with the identity of a very, very skilled plastic surgeon.
- You leaked it? - How could you? She's a friend of mine.
And I signed a confidentiality agreement.
I have no idea where they got that story.
I do.
It came from me.
Take a closer look.
"Carly summers attributes her youthful new look to a daily regimen of juicing and bikram yoga.
" Not exactly the story you were hoping for, is it? Bold move going to the press to land yourself some publicity, but ultimately idiotic, kiddo.
If you had any idea how the game was really played, you would know Fiona Mcneil has her hand so far up the ass of every publisher in this town, they wouldn't consider taking a dump without consulting her first.
And speaking of dumping, you're out.
Get yourself another publicist.
- Wait.
Fiona, I'm so - Sorry? Corrupt? Save it.
You're right.
I'm an asshole.
The town's full of assholes.
What makes you special? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
You know, I used to walk down the street, and people would look at me men, women.
They all wanted to be me or be with me.
Now it's just I don't know who I am anymore.
I still can't figure out why leak this story? Thanks to me, Mcnamara/Troy was getting an ample piece of the plastic surgery pie.
Mcnamara's getting the piece.
And Troy's not content with his partner's crumbs.
No.
Look, I'm not proud of this.
Sean's like a brother to me.
I was the one who followed him out here, gave up everything I worked for money, prestige, sex.
I had Miami by the balls.
You were also, what, You should have picked a different venue to have a midlife cris in.
You're never going to be the new face in town, just some 40-something dying for a comeback.
You're the one who can give it to me.
Please just give me another chance.
I'll pay anything you want.
Oh, goodness.
You were a charming escortcort, Dr.
Mcnamara.
- Well, thank you, darling.
Thank you.
- You didn't know who anyone was.
I can't believe that soap opera medical show won.
Are you kidding me? No, it's ratings.
It's stupid.
No, I was very impressed.
When they called that other actress'name Mariska Hargitay.
She always wins.
Aw, whoever she is.
You handled it with such grace.
Everyone knew it should have been you up there winning that award.
Oh, that's, um that's really sweet, sean.
Thank you.
I wanted to do that in the limo.
- Is that my consolation prize? - No, not at all.
I've been wanting to do it all night.
I guess I'm just a little rusty.
Sean, you should go.
Sean, the limo's waiting.
Please, I want you to go.
Are are you crying? You're not a very good listener, are you? - I'm sorry.
I did I thought - You thought wrong.
But Mcnamara/Troy did her boobies.
Well, Chewbacca told me so.
Listen, I could bring you in a ton of business.
Aquaman's been telling me he's considering pec implants.
Don't take this the wrong way, sweetheart, but if the crazies of the world wanna pay top dollar to worship dead movie stars, maybe they're better off going to madame tussauds.
You need to get yourself a life, sweetie pie, one of your own.
I tried.
I wanted to be an actress.
Just wasn't special enough.
Just another face in the crowd, except when it came to impersonating her.
She's a goddess, you know.
And even though I know I'm just a copy, kinda made me feel like a goddess, too, you know? Till she came along.
Joyce.
She's not as good as me, you know.
But that doesn't matter here now, does it? Because she's just gonna wow the crowd with her big new tits, and Steal tips that are rightfully mine.
Do you know what that's like to be something special and to watch someone who doesn't deserve it take what belongs to you? I can pay, doctor.
*********** Please - Yeah? - Christian.
- Hey, Julia.
What's up? - Uh, I-is this a bad time? I could No, no, no.
No.
I got a photo shoot tomorrow.
I'm just wondering smile or no smile? Wow.
A photo shoot? You two are really taking L.
A.
By storm.
I caught sean on the show.
Yeah, jesus.
Did you see that thing? What a piece of I couldn't believe it was him.
He looked so handsome on camera.
Is he around? I was sort of hoping to catch you both in.
Is there something wrong? No.
No, um, I just wanted to know if you were both gonna be around next weekend.
I was thinking of coming out, and Annie has a little break, so, you know, I thought it might be fun.
Julia, I've known you for 22 years.
You don't just hop on a plane and cross-country on a whim.
Spill it.
I'm seeing someone, and it's serious.
We're moving in together.
Jesus.
I just didn't want to surprise him with it on the phone.
I'd rather do it in person.
But you don't mind surprising me? Well, we will talk about it when I'm there, OK? I can't wait to see you.
Bye.
So when can I get out of here and show off my new tits? Sharon's going to be pea green with envy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought this room was gonna be empty.
What is she doing here? Trying to steal my doctor now, you bitch? I was the one here first.
You're moving in on my turf again.
I won't stay in here with that imposter I want my own room.
I'm sorry, but this is the only one that's available.
Then kick her out.
You brought me in here.
- You have to take care of me.
- Oh, I will.
Did you actually go out, find that woman and bring her here on purpose?! She came to me.
Her american express card worked.
I made us some money.
What's wrong with that? You know, you trying to one-up me all the time is gonna drive patients away, not bring 'em in the door.
I wasn't trying to one-up you.
And you know what? I think this could be a positive thing.
You know, those girls, they're good friends.
Being locked up in a room together could help 'em get back together.
God, this is so like you.
Any time I get a little taste of something good, you can't handle it! - Bullshit.
Like when? - Like, oh, I don't know, Julia.
I meet the woman I'm gonna marry, and you have to sleep with her the night before the ceremony? I've apologized a thousand times.
What, do I have to apologize for the new guy she's moving in with as well? - What? - Nothing.
What do you mean, "the new guy she's moving in with"? Julia called the house yesterday.
She wanted to tell you personally, but, you know, she met someone.
She's moving in with him.
Well, that's great.
She's seeing someone.
Since when are you seeing someone? I'm having a little fling with somebody on the show, an actress.
Well, there's a bit of a difference here.
You're not moving in with your current piece of ass.
Yet.
- Come on, let me apologize.
- You don't need to apologize.
I do.
I've given it a lot of thought, and I see where I missed your signal.
Look, I don't wanna talk about it, OK? I just What's wrong with you? I'm trying to defuse the situation.
That was no fun at all on the set today.
I want to apologize so we can move on.
Wow.
What? What, you're a dreamboat and a gentleman? I mean, is there anything I can hate about you? Look, I'm the one that should apologize, OK? I'm the crazy-ass bitch, not you.
My god.
What, could I be more of an insane person? You're an actress.
A little passion is part of the package, right? Look, I just I'm from New York, you know.
It's a different world out here.
I haven't learned how to tell if, you know, people like me or if they like the fact that I'm a star of a hit show.
You know, I feel like an imposter half the time.
I mean, my idea of a fun evening is curling up with a cup of decaf earl grey and a paddy chayefsky play.
You forget that I'm new in this town, too.
All I know is the world of medicine.
In fact, you're gonna have to remind me who paddy chayefsky is.
I like you, Sean, I guess I don't know.
I got scared when you liked me back so fast.
That's why I freaked out.
I'm really sorry.
So we'll take a step back.
We'll go slow.
But the thing about me is that, you know, whomever I date has to be a friend first and then a lover, you know? Totally.
Totally.
Friends.
Friends.
Friends who kiss? Great.
Great, great.
Oh, bellissimo.
Oh, bellissimo.
OK, bravo.
We ready for the money shots? Why, you bet your wide-angle lens, baby.
I need to go to the storeroom for more film.
I'll be ready when you get back.
Just stay chubby, tiger.
I don't shoot hard-ons.
I'm literally putting my balls in your hands, Fiona.
You sure this is - Shall I turn around? - What's the point? It's not like you're not gonna see it on the newsstands next week, right? What what the hell? Don't look at me like that.
Jesus.
The last time my dick was this small, I was still in diapers.
Stage fright.
It's pretty common in these situations.
Shit.
We're gonna have to call the whole thing off.
What are you, leg man, ass man, tit man? Tit man why? Mommy issues.
Should have known.
Well, don't flatter yourself, shorty.
I put my neck on the line for this shoot.
If your cobra doesn't dance, i'm the one in trouble.
Look, no offense but do you really think the breasts of a woman your age are gonna play the right tune? Jesus.
- Fiona, they're fantastic.
- Why thank you.
Don't know what it is, genetics or just plain luck, but no matter how old I get, these champagne cups seem to be frozen in time.
I see we ready.
grazie.
- Prego.
- Oh, yeah, baby.
- We're ready.
- OK.
- Hello.
- Bad time? It's the usual dinnertime madness.
Oh, sorry.
I keep forgetting the time difference.
- How are the kids? - They're wonderful.
Well, exhausting, but, um, annie can't wait to come and see you.
She seems to have finally adjusted to school.
Of course, it helps that her daddy's a television star.
Come on.
I only say a line or two.
Oh, well, I think you're very believable.
Listen, christian tells me that you've met someone and Goddamn it, sean.
I didn't want you to hear it from him.
You know christian.
He just pushes and pushes, and ucch.
Julia, it's fine.
I'm glad you've met someone.
I want you to be happy.
It's just sort of something that happened.
Hey, it's good.
We both gotta get on with our lives, right? You know, I think I might have met someone.
- It's a little too early to tell but - That's wonderful.
Yeah.
I don't want to put the cart before the horse, but there's definitely something there.
I mean, she's not your typical actress or anything.
A-an actress? From the show? Yeah.
And, uh, what about you? Tell me abo Mr.
Right.
Christian says you're moving in together.
I'll tell you all about it when the kids and I come in to see you, OK? It's just a little crazy right now.
Sure.
Sure, I'm sorry.
Give 'em both big kisses for me.
- Take care, Jules.
- Yeah.
You, too.
You OK? - Hi.
- Hey.
They let you out early.
- How are you? - Good.
You know.
There's this restaurant in Malibu.
It's right on the beach.
Actually, you know what, Sean? This is sort of a professional call.
What could you possibly want changed? Uh, well, it's about, uh, the show.
- Can we-- do you mind if I sit? - Yeah.
Yeah.
years ago, when some casting agents saw me off-off-broadway, they said that if I ever wanted to do the Hollywood thing, that I'd have to drop some weight, you know, if I wanted a shot.
And I did.
I wanted it badly.
I dropped the weight and then, um, then I got plucked out of obscurity to do this pilot, and-- I mean, I think it's only a matter of time.
I'm gonna have to do a nude scene.
I mean, Aidan's made that really clear.
what is it, a little cellulite? I mean, who cares? - Look, show me.
It's ok.
- I can't.
- It's ok.
- You know what? It's bad enough the pictures of how I used to look are showing up on the internet.
You haven't seen them yet, you will.
- Shit, I hate Google.
- Look, you can show me anything.
I mean, old pictures, you in the flesh, I'm attracted to you.
Can you turn around? - Yeah.
- Ok.
You're dating a plastic surgeon, ok? I've pushed and pulled enough flesh to know that beauty is more than skin-deep.
Ok.
Y-you can turn around.
I, uh-- I had gastric bypass to drop the weight, and after I lost No problem.
Question.
What's hot and bare and hard all over? - You remember what this is, Lizzie? - Cheap porn.
Yeah.
I'm familiar with it.
I can't believe you posed for that magazine.
- What do you think? Huh? - It is so Burt Reynolds, 1972.
- Thank you.
- Very becoming for a doctor.
You've heard of doctor without borders.
Meet doctor without dignity.
O-ok.
Just for your information, Fiona says that this publication is iconic.
Moronic? Moronic, iconic.
That's very good.
I like that.
See, here's my thinking.
Only half of Miami got to see my dick, and look how much business that brought in.
Wait until this little puppy comes out.
Look at that.
"Dr.
Christian Troy.
" Ok? This office won't be flooded.
It'll be underwater.
Right, big boy.
Take your dick outside.
Huh? Does that make you feel sexy? Let's do some stapling.
What's what's-her-face doing here? She just wanted a few touch-ups.
What, did she lose a hundred pounds in a week or something? This is the chick you took to the awards thing, right? Her name is Kate.
She happens to be pretty special.
She seems very special.
You just add a mast and good wind, and you sail her around the planet.
I happen to like her, Christian.
I don't give a shit if she was once fat.
Julia met someone.
You met someone.
I get it.
The only thing you've got is a picture of your cock in a magazine.
This magazine is gonna bring in more of L.
A.
's hotties than you could ever imagine, my friend.
This guy, ok? Come on.
You won't have to settle for these rejects from the Macy's day parade.
The phones haven't stopped ringing, and you're booked solid all next week, and there's a walk-in waiting for you in your office.
Guess they wanna know who the big dick is.
Tell me what you don't like about yourself.
What I don't like, sweetheart, is that I don't have someone like you in my life.
That I'm sitting here, and you're sitting all the way over there.
I'm, uh-- I'm not a dermatologist.
I don't do full body mole checks.
- Come to apologize? - For what? Filling your appointment book with paying clients? I promised to get you work, not get you laid.
I didn't think you had any problem in that department.
You certainly bedded carly without my help.
So that's what this is about, huh? Revenge? People I get revenge on aren't double-booked for 6 weeks ahead.
You have tapped into thelifeblood of Hollywood.
Never heard of the gay mafia? Get the boys, and everyone else follows.
Paul Lynde is waiting in your office, Christian.
Ha.
Screw you, boob tube boy.
And just for the record, my layout has brought in twice as much business at your crappy tv show.
Not only that, have you ever heard about the gay mafia? Tell him about the mafia.
Is your divorce final, Sean? Yes.
Why? Good.
Means we won't have to fudge it.
People Magazine has requested you for their "50 Most Eligible Bachelor" issue.
- Him? - I pitched you both, of course, but Sean is the only one on tv every week.
The photo shoot's tomorrow.
Can you work that? Christian'll have to pick up a couple of my patients, but something like this could only be good for business.
You can do Kate's follow-up for me, can't you? Sure.
Oh.
Dr.
Troy, is Sean coming? You mean one of People Magazine's He's at a photo shoot right now getting his highlights redone.
You're kidding.
I was saying the same thing when I heard it myself.
Ok, I need to see how you're healing.
Could you - take off your gown for me, please? - Oh.
Sure.
Thanks.
Very nice.
You could do the sequel to "9 1/2 Weeks" in a month and nobody would know the difference.
And yet oddly, you seem disappointed.
No, it's, uh-- it's just I-- I thought Sean would wanna be here.
He hasn't really talked to me much since the operation.
What can I expect, right? I mean-- He just shaved 20 pounds of loose skin off my body.
I'm not attractive.
He can do so much better.
Is that what you think? Once a fatty, always a fatty.
I know how men in this town are.
Well, I'm a man in this town, and I'd be honored to have you on my arm.
Maybe, uh-- maybe we could go out to dinner.
You've always been beautiful.
Now you're-- now you're a complete knockout.
Careful where you poke down there.
I'm gonna need that later.
- What are you doing? - You like it? I just got it from Barneys.
Just need a few adjustments, that's all.
Why do you need a tux? People's Choice awards, my friend.
Black-tie affair.
And I told Kate I wouldn't be seen dead in a rental.
You're going out with Kate, my Kate? You can't be serious.
I wouldn't spend 2,000 bucks on a brand-new suit just to be jokin' around.
Those fat comments during her surgery, you just said all that to push me away so you could swoop in, didn't you? Now you're just bein' paranoid.
Wouldn't you be if your best friend kept trying to take away everything you ever cared about? You never cared about Kate.
You're embarrassed by her.
That's why you did the surgery in the first place.
And just so you know, she looks fantastic.
If there's anybody to blame, it's you.
Recovery-- we have a situation.
What's going on? Her pulse is thready, and she's nonresponsive, and there's an empty bottle of pills on the nightstand.
- Rozerem.
Sleeping pills.
- She gonna die? - Did you see how many of these she took? - I don't know.
Give me a gastric lavage.
We need pump her stomach.
Go.
What do you mean you don't know? You're sitting 3 feet away from her.
- What happened? - I don't know.
We got in a fight over who'd work the corner next week, and I said she couldn't compete with me anymore, and I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, she was groggy, and she said she was happy and she was finally gonna win.
- Win? Win what? - I don't know.
It didn't make sense.
She said after today, she was gonna go down in history as the-- the best Marilyn Monroe in the biz.
- Jesus.
- Joyce, can you hear me? How many pills did you take? Joyce! Now we gotta do this.
- I got it.
- No, I got it.
Ok, it doesn't matter.
Would one of you please put it down her throat? - I was gonna grab that one, Sean.
- Oh, bullshit.
That's not bullshit.
I've hardly eaten all day.
I need something to tide me over.
What happened to, "I'm lactose-intolerant"? But I am asshole-intolerant, so take it outside or take up a sport where you both can beat the crap out of each other somewhere else, 'cause I'm sick of watchin' it.
A woman almost died under your watch today, and you deal with it by fightin' over a Yoplait? Give me the Yoplait.
Give it to me.
Knock, knock.
- Hey, uh-- - Julia.
- I didn't think you were coming till-- - We weren't expecting you.
- I didn't mean to interrupt.
- Oh, doesn't matter.
They never listen to me anyway.
I'm just white noise in a lab coat.
- Jules, what are you doin' here? - I decided to just come, you know.
I-it felt so awkward on the phone, I thought, why wait? This is an important move for me, and, uh, I need you two to be onboard, well, for the kids.
I left them with my mother, and she's gonna bring them in a couple of days.
Oh, of course we're onboard.
I'm sure if you like him, he's gotta be great.
We just want you to be happy.
- Exactly.
- Thanks So-- When do we get to meet the lucky bastard? You bring him with you or what? - Ollie's not actually-- - Ollie? Ollie.
Sounds very upper crust.
Is Ollie rich? Yes, very.
And it's Olivia.
So how long you been playin' shnooker? I got into it late in life.
- I had a good teacher.
- I bet you did.
What's a dyke bar without a gang of Minnesota fats wannabes? - My daughter taught me.
- You have a daughter? That's fantastic.
What about dad? Did you pull him out of the drawer for thanksgiving to baste the turkey? She was conceived in my college dorm the good, old-fashioned way, by adding 2 hard bodies, a quart of rum and stirring.
Very kinky.
So where's papa now? Where do you think? After he impregnated me, I bit off his head.
How did your mother respond when she found out? Well, you know Erica.
She thought that being in a more egalitarian relationship would be good for me until she found out that Olivia was a doctor of traditional chinese medicine, and then-- ho.
She became "a lesbian snake-oil peddler.
" I bet I started lookin' pretty good to her.
So is Olivia your first? I don't know if it's a question of being gay or not, Sean.
I just fell in love with her.
you were in love with me.
yes, but this is different somehow.
You know, it's easier-- the sex, communication.
So you ever fantasize about women when I was screwing you? Wes, but it-- you know, a lot of straight women do.
It's common.
I am so sorry, Sean.
I put you through hell, and maybe all the time, this was the reason why.
- I kicked his ass.
- True.
She did.
- You ready, babe? - Oh, why not stay for dinner? You can explain the indigo girls phenomenon.
We have a dinner date with my daughter.
I'll be in town until sunday.
Um, we'll have dinner at the weekend.
Bye.
I can't stop wondering.
You think she yells out "Ollie" or "Livie" when she's-- - Shut up.
- I didn't say anything.
It's what you're not saying.
It's what I know you're thinking.
Just say it.
You're thinking she wouldn't be a lesbian if she'd been married to you, that I must be such a lousy lay that my wife went from dwarf humping to carpet munching.
It's not funny.
I'm not laughing at you.
I'm laughing at us.
I mean, come on.
It is funny.
Think about it.
After all these years Julia was the reason for our "who's got the biggest dick" contest, now we find out she doesn't even like 'em.
She's a dyke.
- Julia is a dyke.
- Don't call her that.
- You get that.
- She's the mother of our children, ok? - Carpet muncher's nicer.
- Beaver bumper.
Muff diver.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
Well, now neither of us gets her.
Too bad she didn't figure it out when we were in college.
I've spent a lot of years barkin' up the wrong tree.
Look, I only went after Kate because you wanted her.
I-- I'm sorry, all right? I don't know what it is.
It's like I'm hypnotized or something.
Here.
That'll make up for the last time.
She's yours, not mine.
Thank you.
- Kate? - Be right down.
Wow.
You look beautiful.
- Please accept my apologies.
- For what? Pretending to be a great guy and then disappearing? Where's Christian? He bowed out when I told him that we were seeing each other.
So I don't have a say? You two just played "pass the fat girl" and assume I should be grateful that anyone shows up at my doorstep at all? Am I caught in the middle of some weird game that you two get off on? Absolutely not.
I mean, my partner has a definite eye for the ladies, but the reason I kind of disappeared has nothing to do with you.
I got caught up.
My ex-wife came to town, and she came to inform me she's in a new relationship.
Are you still in love with her? Trust me.
Julia and I are over, truly, finally over.
That's why I'm here.
Puthese in some water, and I'll wait for you in the limo.
I'll drive.
We can play the chauffeur and the naughty starlet.
Why is it so hard to say no to you? Because I look so handsome in this tux? Come on, Kate.
I don't wanna go.
You think that Hargitay lady's gonna kick your ass again? I am just sick of actors competing with other actors for meaningless trophies.
Yes, she's gonna kick my ass again.
I'm gonna kiss you.
Are you gonna hit me? I don't know.
Why don't we stay in, order out, - and watch an old movie? - That sounds perfect.
Come on in here, cutie.
Cheeseburger.
Say, that's all right, mama.
- God bless you.
Thank you, sweetie.
- Hey, Elvis.
Elvis.
Hey, fat Elvis.
Hey, hey.
Come here for a second.
What's up, man? I'm lookin' for Marilyn Monroe, actually 2 Marilyn Monroes.
You seen 'em? Yeah, I might know where they're at, baby.
All right.
Right over there, amongst all the asian tourists.
- Beautiful.
- Go get 'em, pa.
All right.
Come on, who's next for Elvis? Whatever happened to the battle of the blondes? Dr.
Troy.
What are you doing here? I always do follow-ups on my movie star patients.
What happened? We decided that 2 Marilyns were better than one.
Especially since Joyce came up with the idea of us both wearing the costume from the Seven Year Itch.
It really shows off our brand-new tits, don't you think? I can't think of a better way to advertise.
Maybe you should hand out my card.
We'd love to, especially since you're the reason that we're friends again.
You did save my life, but you made me realize my life was worth saving.
If only the real Marilyn had had as good a friend.
Oh, yes, but if only she had as good a business mind as you do.
We're making moremore money together than we ever did competing.
That's for sure.
I think I know a way you can make more money than just standing on this corner, ladies.
What did you have in mind? Make me feel like a star.
I wanna be loved by you just you, nobody else but you I wanna be loved by you alone, I wanna be kissed by, you, just you, nobody else but you, I wanna be kissed by you alone Dr.
Troy.
Oh, you're wonderful.
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