One Foot in the Grave (1990) s05e02 Episode Script

# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # (RAIN PATTERING) Well, that's that over for another year The joyous ritual of our annual pilgrimage to see Great-Aunt Joyce It gets more like entering a mummy's tomb every time we go there Is it my imagination or has it got cold in here? Still, these will be a real godsend, won't they? A pair of gloves with six fingers in each hand Trying to tell me I'd grow into them What's she gonna knit for me next time? A balaclava with two heads? Yes Well, if you ever get to that age Oh! For the love of my What is it? What's Why did I open my bloody mouth! Why did I even think it would be a good idea to say it needed repapering! I must want my head testing Can't understand it Put enough paste on this to sink a battleship Slapping it here, there and everywhere, like Charlie Drake in the Sistine Chapel What are we gonna do with this? Save it till we need a giant Elastoplast? There are some of those refuse bags in the shed You'd better bring half a dozen (LIGHT SNORING) Look at that Just slept right through it I'm telling you, if she has to spend another night here, I may have to kill her I mean it Yes Well, she's had a lot of upset this last week I mean, you wouldn't like it if your flat was flooded and you had nowhere else to stay Jean Jean! Oh, for a stick of dynamite Jean! What's happened? Has there been an earthquake? No It's just Victor's paper's come down Here, hang on a second Oh Oh, what a shame, after all the work he put into it this morning Oh, is it so late already? Those antihistamines are making me a bit dopey I think Yes Anyway, you have a nice time over there? -How was she? -Yeah Well, same as usual Where have the curtains gone? Oh, yes I took them down to the dry cleaners for you And the ones in the front bedroom Talk about long overdue for a wash Did they come to take that picture back? Picture? The enlargement we had done at the photo shop that went horribly wrong -They said they'd pick it up about 4:00 -Oh, yes, yes I remember now, yes No, they didn't Unless it was them at the front door when I was in the bath About 4:00 time Oh, and I turned off the central heating I didn't think it was helping Nicky's tummy bug Wasn't it? No, according to my book, it's not very good for cockatiels Too much hot air with no moisture No, quite good for drying out wallpaper possibly, but not for his little tummy Anyway, I better be getting on up now, then Take my face off See you in the morning, Margaret Night, Jean! Now she'll be in that bloody bathroom for an hour and a half taking her face off With a bottle of hydrochloric acid, we could do it in 1 0 seconds There's a lot worse than her You've just got to have a bit of patience So, it seems to be doing the trick then, does it? What's that? This, whatever it is that person does to your feet, that quack you've started going to in Banbury Crescent She's not a quack It's called reflexology It's a recognised science She just stimulates different parts of your foot and it reduces all your anxiety and stress You come away ready to cope with life's little problems It'll never last VICTOR: You cocky little bastard! (VICTOR YELLING) You know what you can do with it as well, don't you? I don't care! What about my bloody marigolds? Morning Just thought I'd get some of the filth out of these cupboards for you Well, I don't suppose you get the time, do you? I mean, you couldn't hope to keep this place spotless and I wouldn't expect it of you I take it there's still no news, then, of when you could move back into your flat? Oh, no Well, obviously they can't start pumping it out until the rains have let out No Oh, yes! Any time you like, matey! Whenever you like! Unbelievable -Did you see what he'd done? -Who? That chimney sweep working number 1 2 across the road He'd only stuck his van in our bloody front lawn I'll give him ''nowhere else to park'' Cocky bastard He wasn't going to move it either if I hadn't threatened to let his tyres down Sweep his chimney for him next time he tries that lark Oh, is that this morning's local? ''Exclusive Pics from MP's gay love nest'' More rubbish they've dug up Now then, now then, where are we I don't suppose for one second that they printed Oh, success -What? Is your letter in there, then? -Yes Oh, can you believe this? Listen to this ''On Monday night, I wrote to your paper ''complaining about supermarket trolleys in public lavatories ''I was somewhat alarmed to find my letter signed ''Polly the Penguin of the Oswestry Park Bird Sanctuary ''While elsewhere on the page was a report incorrectly stating ''that I'd just laid a five-pound egg for the first time in captivity ''Greater accuracy by your proofreaders in future will be much appreciated'' Well, that's what you wrote, wasn't it? Yes, that's what I wrote, but look what's underneath ''Yours sincerely, Mildred Herring, I mean, I don't believe How do they make these mistakes? Who the hell's Mildred Herring? I think she's the editor, isn't she? Yes, look Up here ''If you have any views about local matters please send them to the editor, ''Victor Meldrew, 1 9 River Bank'' They've done it again Exactly the same thing Bloody paper I mean, how do they make these mistakes? I don't know why I bother Oh! Oh! What in the name of bloody hell! -Leave it, Jean Don't touch it I'll do it -Oh, oh, oh! I didn't know I still had this ruddy thing And the points are all rusty as When did you last have a tetanus? -Let me see -Oh (VICTOR GROANING) Just stand there and don't panic I think we've got some lint upstairs Don't panic Just when I was beginning to relax a bit as well VICTOR: Oh, if it's not one thing, it's another So it's up to that bloody hospital now, I suppose Hang around there for three hours I mean, if you can't come down to breakfast without getting a spike up your What in the name of God Oh, yes, how extremely side-splittingly funny That's just about the level of your kind Morning, Mr Meldrew You need a map? Oh No Bit of a maze at the moment, isn't it? Just up here getting a tetanus booster So, what about Oh, yes, fine thank you Yes, I'm only in for an overnight, not before time My foreskin's been on the waiting list nearly three years now Has it? Yes, oh Terrible when you get stuck in a bottleneck like that I beg your pardon? I wasn't sorry to see the back of it, I don't mind saying Actually, I'm glad I bumped into you, only we've got a bit of a do on at home tomorrow night It's the annual knees-up of the Dixon of Dock Green Appreciation Society and things can sometimes get a bit merry round about 9:30 So, do feel free to bang on the wall, won't you? I'd hate to think we were causing a nuisance Ah, yes Well, I'm sure we shouldn't do that Anyway, better see if I can find my way out now, I suppose And good luck with the other Oh, thank you very much Can you see down the end where they've taken all the plaster off? Hmm? Turn right there and you'll be out in the car park Oh, yes All right, thanks (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Well, that was as clear as mud Two and a half hours and I still haven't the faintest idea what it was all about You can't beat a good mystery Yes, but, I mean, who did it then, in the end? The short fat one with the ginger moustache How could it have been her? She fell out of a helicopter halfway through going over Cheddar Gorge Ah, but you never saw her hit the ground, did you? That's where they were clever VICTOR: Half the time you couldn't even work out who they were meant to be And another thing, if that man who looked like David Dimbleby was supposed to know who the killer was, why did he arrange to meet him under a bridge at 3:30 in the morning? And who was that dwarf in the bowler hat that came running through the woods in slow motion? Never did find out what that was all about Ah, it's only a story Oh, are you going for another session with your reflexologist tomorrow? In Banbury Crescent? Hmm, I was planning to, yes Only, I wondered if you'd just pop by the flat for me and pick up a few clothes I've written a list out here -There we are -Yes, I expect so How exactly does it work again, this treatment? I was wondering if I ought to book myself a few sessions Well, there's nothing much to it really Just lie back and close your eyes and you go off into a kind of trance Then she just manipulates different bits of your feet with her little finger, and then 20 minutes later, you come away and it's wonderful Feeling all relaxed and tickety Why did those detectives ask David Dimbleby for his sperm? To eliminate him from their inquiries Oh, I see The police can use sperm now as a way of fingerprinting people I don't see what was wrong with the old ink pads They used to serve the purpose How is Nicky's tummy today? Did you take him up to the bird hospital? Yes They put him on to some antibiotic millet, which is supposed to be very good This is nice Not that I can taste it with my allergy of course Might be absolutely horrible But I'm sure it's really delicious So, whose head was that in the fridge? That never fitted into the plot, either, as far as I could see That was her boyfriend, wasn't it? So who killed him, then? Nobody I thought he was supposed to have committed suicide What, and then stuck his own head in the fridge? How on earth are you meant to fathom these things out? I mean, you say it's just a story but there's got to be some point to it all I mean, you can't just have a lot of weird things all happening for no reason Why not? Well, because Otherwise nothing that happens would make any sense No (DUCK QUACKING) ''Dear editor, ''I wonder if through your columns I might express ''my concern about several loose paving slabs ''outside the off-licence in Gosport Terrace'' Oh, yes, I agree with that one I wish I was the editor of that thing There's a few letters I'd print in it straightaway, I'll tell you ''Dear Mr Meldrew, I was utterly appalled by your front page article this week ''featuring photos of our local MP and his partner ''taken through a bedroom window ''There is no justification for this blatant invasion of privacy'' Oh, yes, a lot of letters about that one When you cleaned this cage out this morning Yes? Are you sure you closed the door properly? Why, what are you Oh, my God! Oh, Nicky Nicky! Where is he? Oh, my God! I knew this would happen some day -Oh, where are you, Nicky? -No, no Now, keep calm, Mrs Warboys We don't know he fled Mrs Warboys! No, Mrs Warboys I'm sorry but no I just thought I saw something fluttering up there I'm not climbing up another bloody tree just to bring down a piece of soggy white toilet paper I mean, how did it get up there anyway? What if he's been eaten by a cat? Well, at least he'll be in the dry Can you just give me the keys so we can get back indoors? I feel like a drowned rat Key, Mr Meldrew? This morning, you asked if you could borrow my key for the day so you could I left it on the hall table for you to Brilliant! -Margaret will be back soon -Not for another hour, she won't I'm not staying here to freeze to death NICK: Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear Sounds like a right old to-do, doesn't it? Anyway, now you're inside, you can get dried off and come inside and join in the fun Everybody, this is Mr Meldrew from next door and his friend Mrs Warboys They've been looking for their cockatiel and got locked out of the house, if you can believe such a thing What do we say to them? Evening all Now, would either of you like a nice, strong drop of whisky to warm yourselves up? Oh, yes, that wouldn't go amiss, thank you very much No, no, no, you have to say, ''No, thank you, sir Not while I'm on duty'' It's all just part of the silliness Mr Christmas, would you pop through and put the kettle on again, will you? And now, Mr Partridge and Mr Gallimore, if you'd both like to budge up, so that they can sit down There we are That's the ticket Oh, now, I don't know if you're into party games at all, but we were just in the middle of a bout of hangman, so do feel free to join in Now, whose go was It was yours, Mr Gallimore, I think G No, no, I don't think he's going to make it, is he? Mr Meldrew, you care to have a stab at it at all? NICK: See you very soon Where have you been until this hour? God, 9:20 I'm ready for a bath Is that this evening's local? Don't expect they've printed that second correction yet I went for a drink with Meg after work -I did ring but, of course, there was no answer -JEAN: Oh, you're back! Can you believe it? All the time we've been out searching for Oh, you little terror We've been climbing up trees and everything Come along, let's get you upstairs My God! I feel as though I've been up the Amazon and back today, I do straight Oh, yes The old tension coming on again, is it? I expect you need another session with your reflexologist in Banbury Crescent Quite soothing, is it, the treatment you get up there? Yes Why? As you're lying on a bed with your eyes closed, drifting into a trance Quite soothing as she runs her little finger over your feet I told you, yes Why? And you're quite sure, are you, that it's her little finger she's using? -Yes, of course What do you mean? -Oh! Just something I read in here In this article on the growing problem of suburban prostitution I wonder if this strikes a chord at all ''An interview with bored housewife Vicky, 32, ''who entertains a wide variety of clients ''behind the lace curtains of her bungalow in Banbury Crescent '''I get all kinds coming round, young and old '''They all look normal but you'd be surprised at the things they ask you to do '''One bloke likes me walking across his back in high-heeled shoes '''Another, elderly gent, '''pays me just to stroke the soles of his feet with my breasts '''I suppose it takes all sorts''' (STUTTERING) Just remind me, will you, how this all started in the first place? Hmm? Well, it was, uh, Big Jeff at the chip shop He said he went to this woman who had a magic touch with feet And he got rid of all his stress and tension and did I want her telephone number? So you went round and asked if she would do the same for you as she did for him? Well, yes, I mean, I just I don't know what to say ''Come away all relaxed and tickety'' Five times you've But, I mean, where did I get the idea that she was a reflexologist? Where do you get any of your ideas, Victor? You tell me, because I just I Nobody would believe it, would they? That someone could lie there with a nipple between their toes and not even realise And you talk about things making sense! Well, I mean, I don't understand I mean, she just (EXCLAIMS) My punctures are giving me gyp again I suppose I'd better go and put some ointment on them Look, Margaret, I'm Ah, well, that's a happy ending, isn't it? After all I wonder where he'd got to all that while I suppose it'll just have to remain a mystery like a lot of -Oh, excuse me -Not getting any better, then? -Sorry? -Your hay fever Oh, no I'm fine with pollen That's not the problem at all It's the feathers that set me off Feathers? Yes, I've always been cursed with that since I was a girl Then why on earth have you got a bird as a pet if you're allergic to feathers? Never really thought about it like that The pleasure it gives me and the companionship are the important things Well, I mean, you put up with all the misery, don't you? If it's something you love -You ready for a cup of tea? -Oh, yes, Jean I could just do with that (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Victor! What is it? I'll be down in just a second as soon as I've done this MAN: In five Two Tonight, as the furore mounts over a local newspaper's unwarranted intrusion into the privacy of its MP, we give the paper's editor, Victor Meldrew, a taste of his own medicine We ask the question, ''You can dish it out to others, but can you take it yourself?'' # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #